Daddy's Day - Chewing The Cud - S05E23

You're watching Chewing the Cud. We've missed Kinsman and White Beaming Room.

Of course, the good thing about being a nome is he didn't have to hurt his knees. Oh hello, welcome to Chewing the Cuds. Just know what gnomes are, very convenient.

They're made of like plaster and plastic and things.

No real life gnomes. No no, not not an mental gnomes. You figure it out anyway. What have you got for us this week? Mike therapy lined up for you? But I have a story about a map. Sounds exciting, it doesn't. And then we're getting.

Something just for Daddy's Father's Day.

Oh and then we have a game to play in our Game of the week. But on screen now you can see our social media contact infolk.

Just look for at the cut TV.

Adam Adam oh as names have gon across the button the screen. It's time to go over to mist.

And the.

Show Biz News Pride Month.

Yes, we are in instat instead insta instead. That's in the mid in the midst of it, but shortened.

That's basically my name with added d.

YEA somebody who is also.

A bit desperate, maybe because they just completely announced I would like some Jonathan Grath that's start of stage and screen, film and TV saying a little bit of a fit, a little bit of a fitty. Have you seen the top two episode he's in. What do you think you've kind of seen it? L they have more or the chemistry is there isn't it between the two of them is very very sexy. I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it yet. If you haven't seen, it's your own fault. We could do spoilers.

Oh, you don't mind it when you're giving the man no no.

Because you've already watched it at that point. If you're a true Hoovian, you'll have watched it when.

It came out at midnight.

I'm okay, twenty four hours, I say, twenty four hours after its first airs. To watch it after that point, it's your own fault.

Well, it is very very sexy.

Anyway, he's one of ours, and he's at New York Pride doing a bit of a announcement, and he's obviously up and ready for it because he had something very simple to say, Okay, I'm single, I'm feeling full of pride and prep Okay, cool, Yeah, he's available.

Shouldn't be full of prep. That's a lot of prep to beavia. Well, he's a handsome guy.

If he's available, I mean, why not take a microphone and announced to absolutely everybody there, which must be hundreds, if not thousands of people come and get some exalling.

It's easier than grinder.

So much.

How many away is he? It's behind stage. He's just told me where he is. He's there.

Yeah, well if I I'm half tempted to go to New York too. Hello, is that where he lives? I don't know if that's where he lives. I suppose that's probably wheres mostly based with everything from Broadway and stuff, but depends on what you're what project you're working on. I suppose anywhere the actual ebar are based.

I have a phrase at this point where he very looks very comfortable.

Comfortable Do you mean by comfortable it's good to sit on?

How have you not heard that before? I referred to a lot of people with comfortable faces, and I've not clocked that yet.

No, okay, no, because I'm innocent and I have such thoughts. Anyway, moving on, that's not the only Broadway news.

Oh you're handed Dolly.

Parton, Would I be allowed to say no, no, you really would.

You'd have to hand back your gay cards would be a lie as well, you love So you know that she's got the musical Nine to five, which based on the movie, et cetera. So there's a couple of big bits of news with this, really one. Dolly Parton's going to do a musical of her life and it's not just going to have all your big hits, et cetera.

So there are a.

Lot of musicals that will take an artists and make a lot out of them. Yeah, Mamomia, etc. Andoys and all that. Yeah. Yeah, so the Jersey Boys, Yeah, I think Jersey Boys? Is is it the Four Seasons?

I can't remember anyway, There she is, there, she is.

It will include some of her big but she's also writing some original music for it too, So it's just going to be Dolly Parton's history is done as a thing, and we'll have to wait for that to develop, et cetera. One other thing that we've got to wait to develop Jennifer Annaston Friends Star. She's got a production company and they're planning on remaking Nine to five as well.

That's cool.

Yeah, So we might get a remake of ninety five, and there's also a bit of a pitch because it's very early in the days of development that they get the original cast in as well.

That'd be cool and.

A bit of a revamp, maybe the theme tune to go with it.

I'd be up for watching it.

Yeah, a banging remix of ninety five for the modern days.

It was awesome.

Yeah, Oh, there's so many of those. I used to go clubbing in the some time ago, and there was a nine to five remix that was a good It had a good bop to it.

Yeah, I know the one. I know the one exactly, but we could do with a new one that was probably be about twenty years ago.

I was enjoying my little self there doing the little dance that we used to do at the top of a nightclub that Donald resists, right, hasn't existed for fifteen years.

And yeah, I remember doing the dance to around the old campfire, remember that the old camp fire.

Yeah, and also songs you don not allowed to sing anymore because of you know, naughty things that the singers did.

Anyway, Susie is hard, yeah, shake her death. She's been in the news recently because obviously we have the election coming up? Are we feeling excited about this?

Excited is not the word I have?

Go on, what word would you use?

So I explained that I'm quite excited for the election, right, but also a little bit disappointed that it hadn't happened earlier.

No.

No, because for the past fourteen years I've basically been hate on a daily basis, So I'm going to kind of miss.

That we don't have the time or the money for the therapy that is required. Wow, Okay, Suzi is for a long time actually, Like I remember going to go and see her in Manchester to do like what was supposed to be her last comedy gig because she's going to go off and become an MP, and it did not materialize. No, she went off and did more theater and lots of shows in doing multiple languages and like that. Absolutely, like she's a mind blowing person, mind blowing creative.

But recently, because of.

This new election and the Green Party candidate standing down in Brighton, she's putting herself up for being the candidate candidate for.

Labor down there.

Okay, cool, Unfortunately she wasn't chosen and she does attribute this to being trans and that maybe there are people down there that just don't want a trans person being their MP, which is really sad, especially for bright And but yeah, it did mean that she had a bit of an interview on Virgin talking about this Virgin radio and apparently she said she knew she was trans from

Yeah, so I didn't really have a concept of trans in the eighties. It wasn't until the mid nineties when I experienced Susie. Right, like watching the show and they're going, you know, boy but like doing girl things, so running, jumping, climbing trees, pussy on makeup while you're up there. It was my first image of someone in the trans community. And that's why I can still remember it to this day.

So I think we have Blazer.

She's a part of that massive, massive, frail Blazer and says still got a lot of places to go, a lot of way to go. But when I look back over the past thirty years, we have come so far. We just need to not stop or go backwards.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Well, still got time for a trans MP to come through, and we are still waiting beyond that, and hopefully it'll be Susie. But this time, no Unfortunately that's all for them showbiz this week.

Well, thanks that missed, and we do hope that Susie gets her position as soon as possible.

You're welcome now stick around as next it's Mike in the Buzz. You're watching Cheering the Card with Mist and Mike. Now let's go deep into the dark, dank, disgusting parts of the Internet with Mike and the Buzz.

Dark and disgusting, like your search history. Because before recording this they oh no, poured on my laptop on my tablet, Born on your tablet. That's the thing you're correcting me on, not the fact you're watching Born in that seat moments before filming.

Very convenient medium.

Mm hmm, I don't think it was a medium.

It's very wide. Anyway.

You're going on holiday this year, missed, No.

No, far far too busy, far too busy, far too busy, far too busy, trying to tighten that muscle up a bit.

Constantly doing keegels. What's the chatting exactly here? Please don't swallow the chat. Well, I thought you might like to go on a cruise. I have been considering going a cruise, not cruising a cruise, A big, big, gay cruise. Big gay cruise, quite a gay cruise. Lots of people. But rules about cruising mm hmm. Okay, And so I thought i'd share with you that you know the rules about when you are and aren't supposed to be wearing clothing

Well, it's a separated in clothes.

Yeah.

If everybody knows they're they're up for that.

Yes. So the rule is if you're coming in or going out, you're supposed to be dressed going in and going out to port. Okay, so dressed when you're getting near land or near land or at land, right, but the rest of the time may be nude. Rules about always have a towel with you, right, and then some clean wipes.

As well to wipe up you've been sitting down.

We've been sitting down, not fluids, we've been sitting down, right, And erections are a big no no, Well, how can you control that? Apparently it's not a sexy environment. People just walking around naked.

Well, no, I get that, but there are moments.

Which points you cub yourself up and go away.

Okay, just because it's resolved the situation.

We'll not resolve the situation. Just wait till he goes awake and think about model that just stroking and nipples.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Turn me straight. I think she's cremated.

Anyway, Just snip into a broom closet, start whacking it with a hammer.

I hope it'll go down.

With a good time anyway, taking towels and things with you, okay, to to make sure that not sitting on something because you don't want to bump sweat.

Ye to share absolutely and worse, you're okay to.

Be naked in the jacuzzi or swimming pool. M h. But yeah, in that report and maybe at dinner time, it's suggested that you cover up.

But it's a suggestion, brilliant. I mean, I would I never have the body confidence to really about to have the balls to do that. They were not maring. They're like barnacles on the side of the submarine. But yeah, no, I just I wouldn't.

What I wouldn't They're like barnacles on the side of a submarine. Yeah, there's a couple of problems with that. Binnacles don't go on submarines, No, because submarines are continually moving. It's boats that get barnacles.

Boats are moving quite a lot.

No, but they they stay stationary in the water a lot more, okay, and binacles like something stationary to attach.

Okay.

It's like trying to get in a tax at forty miles an hour. Right, taxi stops. You can get in it if it's going forty miles. Now you just fling yourself at it. You're not going to get in Aye.

You depends on these in it.

You fling yourself at taxes, it's still going to just hurt yourself on lot.

You don't underestimate how desperate I am.

I don't think anyone can address about that. But moving on quite quickly. You're of a certain age now, aren't you.

I may have just turned forty five, Yes, may.

Of just turn forty five. There's part of that sentence I have an objection to. Just it's over a week ago, just saying would you like to live forever?

Sometimes yes? Sometimes no?

Why no, that's love gone.

Yeah, I think it'd be really nice to just see how the world evolves and be there and certainly even getting onto this stage, like the level of perspective I've got bed to work where I was when I was a kid and stuff like that. It's I can only imagine that just gets more and more and more. But then there's also just the waiting room life you need to be living if you're going to live, And as you get older, the more sedate you get, and I'd hate to be Yeah, I.

Think you know, eternal life is good, but only if it also comes with eternal youth. I think only having one is a problem. Yeah, but yeah, Well, the good news is that scientists believe that we could live forever quite soon. Okay, yeah, as of twenty thirty. Yeah, humans could live forever.

There's enough of.

Us though, I know.

Now here's the thing. Here's the kicker. It's not us, it's future generations, right right, So generations get older and older and older. They think that by the time we have someone born in twenty thirty, we'll be able to help make it so that they can live forever.

We can see that now, and like if you look to the old TV show let's look at the Golden Girls, and what age is they're supposed to be and what ages they actually were as actresses compared to people who are celebrities now of a similar age, and they just don't.

Like Well, it's more about life expectancy. Yeah, right, So for instance, you're you're expected to live to like seventy Yes, all right, I'm expected to live for much longer because I'm much younger, seventy three, seventy three, My life expectance tears, you know. So I'm over halfway there, way all downhill from now. It's true, body pieces well to go over this. Oh yeah, So as people get older, we get further on, people will live longer.

Yeah, exactly, so we can already see quite dramatically that now, so I can imagine even.

More health care and all that sort of thing. It's a possibility. And if you want to live forever, whoa, whoa, when love is gone, you queen? Why not share that with us at the COUD TV? And now it brings us to our story of the week. Now. Persulations of fun things to do in the bedroom you have a.

Few are used to yes, yes, yes.

You still do. They're just or solo active now than group ones. Maybe spitting up into the air and catching in your mother.

I have a very nice thing going on with the across the guy across the street. Our windows exactly opposite each other. Okay, so you're just ranking each other basically.

Yeah, hello neighbor.

Hi, is it blue bin or brown bin day today? Oh? I don't know one. Have you heard that car alarm going off? Yeah, it's been out of that for weeks. Oh, it's awful. Anyway, this is there is about a map that's been released out of Europe. Okay, and which fetish is most prominent in which country? Okay, so you're going on it is a sexual awakening tour. You can now pick what you want to do depending on where you're going, and you're more likely to find that thing.

Can we cross relate cross reference this with the map that's for the largest penis size as well?

We can, but we're not going to size quick right, So if by the power of TV I make that bigger.

Okay.

So the dark purple is ball busting, which can see very popular in France.

Busting, treading on people's balls.

Tickling is very good in It's very popular in Spain and in Italy. Yeah, wrestling is very good in Portugal. Happens all the way up there and all the way up there in the in the in the what I like to call the Pubic states. Cocka bowls. Yeah, and there's a cocka balls there as well. Everyone misses the negative image of the cock and balls, right, and then feet is very very popular in the south of Santios. Now here's the interesting bit. Russia pegging very into paining.

Yes, snooze snow. I think that's called.

Snoop snow it is. Yeah, lift and carry up if you're up in the cold places.

Aren't there there's one for our gallery.

What's that one?

Diapers?

Diapers? Yeah, well you see the gallery. Well, Dean doesn't wear them for sexy reasons. He wears them for what he likes to say, for confidence, just in case. Actually what he said he had he had the squits. One day he came in with the squits. Well, I think I'm okay now, I'm just wearing it for confidence. It's actually a direct quote. This is what we have to put up with in our ears. People talk about shitting themselves and hallow. Are you are happy for confidence audience

Yeah, but mock bangs videos are eating, aren't they.

No, not people, He's just watching people chew, oh okay, and like tongues and stuff and spitting mouths and it's a little bit. Yeah, there's an insight into my world. It's not all I'm into. Please pride to my only fans. But that's all from the buzz this week.

Thank you, Mike. And you said your words into the deep dark and disgusting tag part of the internet.

You're a liar, deep dark and disgusting. Well, yeah, I'm not going to shame me with what I know you get into. Wear me like a glove puppet. But stick around because coming up we have a game to play in our game with the.

Week welcome back, and yes you are watching Chewing the Cards, and we're going to play a little game. And this one is for everyone's favorite pop dad. It's Mike.

You're referring to the dog off for the mask actually day all the week.

All right, then, Mike, let's see what you can do with this kazoo.

What that tune was.

Chocolate Salty Balls South Park?

No it wasn't, but okay, that's what the gallery was thinking. Abou's not what I was doing. That was Beyonce and Halo. Right, you're ready for the next one?

Yeah, how does that taste?

Now?

It's delicious? Why it's clean douched?

Right, have a clue.

Currently a massive.

Twink, currently a massive twink kind of person. So we're talking to Troy sav.

Rush.

Yes it was Rush. You don't want to know what the clue was for that next one. I would have had to explain what Poppa's are to you, then, miss, because.

It doesn't work on me anymore.

I think I've since so wide.

They don't work on anymore.

They work.

I've already dilated. You have to fit a double decker or something.

I used to love them so much, and they just don't work on me anymore.

Just because you're so wide.

Next from isopropal nitrate from animal nitrates to iso propel.

Hm hm hm.

Anti hero Taylor Swift, because it is it's me. I'm the problem. It's me.

Oh yes, Not a single person in the studio or gallery has then done Oh no, miss no.

We Sometimes I feel this show is just an intervention Torn Natalie Brugula. Yes, well done you. Next one, I think well done you you're doing You're doing a very good job. Your performing skills have come along dreadfully. Well what's that smell?

Scasm? I'm going to give you a hint before I play the tune because you might not get it. Okay, but this is this is not what people say about your backside, h.

All the small things. Yeah, you are very very mean to me, Yes, but.

It's it's you make it so easy.

Spice girls want to be Yeah, well don't you?

Yeah, Jack, I.

Think you're doing terribly well.

Practical virtue ASO of this kazoo.

It's because I'm using a different color this week.

Oh that's it.

It's a different it's a different key.

M m hm hm.

I think you might have overstretched your talent.

That's not what we call it.

Waterfalls t ls there we go.

See, it's just you don't know the words.

I do the words.

Look at a singing right now, because very.

But that's the reason we don always to sing.

Okay, duh, not a clue?

Oh ah, the park Lifel, Yeah, you need visual clues.

Maybe that's the thing, because that's the first one I didn't do a visual clue for and you couldn't get it till I did.

Yes, I feel the power of mine is underestimated. Pronounce me, oh Cardigans and uh, I can't about anything but love me, love me. No, I can't remember that. I can't remember the name of the song.

Love fool by the Cardigans in the game.

Okay, oh, call me maybe Carlie. Carlie something I can't remember said, call me maybe right bye, Carlie. I'll come on. I'm halfway there, living on a prayer. It's not Carlie Simon, you know, it's.

Kylie Ray Jepson. So you don't get any points for that.

M hm.

Can I have a gallery guest, please, gallery guests please?

No care we have a gallery guess. Desperate cheeto.

No, it was despasito.

Ah, not, you're going to do the Randy Rainbow version.

Or you could have had in my speed because that's the lyrics I always sing.

Ah. Now check out the Randy Rainbow version. Desperate Cheeto is a parody of Donald Trump. Absolutely brilliant.

I know.

It's just yeah m.

Hm mm hmmm.

Mm hmmm.

Oh not a click gallery helped me out.

No, don't help him out.

No, they don't know why either. I think therefore you lose points for being for poor performance.

And it's interesting that that's not how this game works. It was king by years and years. Oh you've got Oh, actually that sounded like.

It now, No, no, really it didn't. I think Ali Alexander is going to come around here and punch hip.

Depends where he's punching me, because if he's punching.

You and he losing on.

M h.

Are you guys at home getting any of this at all?

Like we're not seeing that the comments session you lay write in within seconds of me starting and is this and get it right every single time? Yeah?

Yeah, I'm absolutely sure we get inundated with letters answering answering.

Your look at the bottom of the YouTube videos and you see all the comments.

Anyway, that's enough of it's a kazoo. I feel stick around as Next it's Mike in the Crafty Queens. Welcome back to chewing the cud. And now we make something that everyone's daddy will enjoy.

It's Crafty Queens.

And I so you just wipe it off afterwards. And then I said, oh, hello, so this week we're going to make a present for your daddy or father figure.

M Okay, what was that used to see the daddy?

Yeah, all that time ago. So what we have here is we have a wineglass.

Mm hmmm, I like that noise pin.

Don't do it too hard or use a hammer because that will make it go smash. And what we're going to do is we're going to decorate this vessel. Okay, so you'll want to put something inside it.

Okay. We're not making another cheap flash light out of home main materials, are we.

We've never done that. We have never made a flashlight because that isn't as a trademark and that would be wrong. So what I've given you is I've given you a very selection of a of sparkles and feathers and rubber just in case you have a particular fetish. Okay, so yes, So you have scissors to cut up the rubber into small pieces if you so wish. Okay, you have some superhero glue, because what we don't want to use is

Yeah, we don't want that.

So before you try and squeeze the glue out of your your super glue, you do have to pierce it.

I am aware of. Have you super glue before?

Okay, but you also have a habit of doing things incorrectly, So so get to decorating.

Then, come ons, just decorate the glass. Decorate that's just decorated the glass, because.

Every time I do something with liquid, oh, you're trying to kill me.

You're trying to kill me? Is water electric? Right?

So this is contains no water and no electric.

Okay, right, let's decorate the way the.

For your level, right, glowing ship onto other ship. That's about all we can louing ship onto other ship. Yeah.

You know they have these.

These competitions in drag race where you have to like stick ship on a corset.

Yeah exactly that that would be my level.

Well, this is pretty much what you're doing.

You're sticking ship on ship.

I found your level. We're doing it right, So I'm using using goodly eyes because I'm blowing up the balloon.

There was a time I used to There was a time I used to make blue animals for small.

Children, and then the police asked us to stop.

I think it was more of a court order.

Uh huh hmmm, I don't know.

Is there a particular theme we're supposed.

To be going.

It's Father's Day soon, Father's Day, so we're doing something nice for your dad.

Nice for daddy. Now with sequins, I have no father. You're recently bereft, of course, well.

Not recently anymore. Can't use that phrase anymore. Well, okay, because it's been.

For a while.

It has to be fair. But you do keep going on about it.

I do.

This is this is not for your for your actual.

This isn't for my homophobic father who turned out to have many many gentlemen's aids and knickers and things. No, this is just just some fun things for the person in your life to whom you refer to as daddy. So for you, it's for no one.

Yeah, it's it's it's not. It's not really going to be a problem for it being ship, then, is it?

No, it's not.

What I've done is on the Great Glover. I've ribbled some blue dwandi outside of the glass and I'm sticking onto.

It, trying to think you're something clever to do with a bit of global rubber.

So how far have you got one?

So far? Absolutely nowhere.

I'm I'm I'm I'm not very good at this either. I am considering, I'm creating my my, my juices are starting to blow.

Well will you clean them up afterwards?

Please?

Time to get that cherry upholstered. Every two weeks was rejuices flowing, mic Austick, that's what the word ive.

See. I have to make these things up on the spot. I don't know what he's coming up with every week. It just just flings the ship at me.

Which you quite appreciate from what I've seen on your Internet history.

Me enjoying photos of the monkeys in the zoo is not porn.

No, when you wank to them, it is. Everything is porn if you're wanked. Wasn't a whore looking at there? Was it?

Poor Gorilla, Big Red bummers.

Uh, gorilla's nice, big muscular guys, but not you know, not very.

Endowed. That's the only way to say it. Really, I don't know.

I've never inspected to grinillas.

Have you never inspected to gorillas?

No?

When I go to the zoo, I like to learn about what the animals do, rather go.

Oh is it whole?

Well, it's not that that's what monkeys do. They're either flinging ship are you eating a banana? Or cracking off? Okay allegedly, Well, you know, it's a long way from when they used to do the PG tips adverts. This this, this little thing I'm trying to attempt here is not working. We don't know what you're trying to attempt. So I was thinking of some kind of kinky rubber bass, but no, remember, we have to pierce it. It's not like somebody needs to remind me five minutes ago.

But I've used super glue before. You think the gallery could investigate getting a oh dear, because you know what, at least then we'd have something shagging instead of me.

Well, what do you go? Talk me through your process?

Then?

Process for what?

For the artistic genius that you're coming up with.

I go, oh, what have I got it? Let's stick that on it last? See what happens? Does this for eleven minutes? Yes, let's do that. Then I that's my artistic process. And the fact I'm getting more super glue on my actual thumb now means I've got that satisfying moment later where I get to peel the super glue off my thumb.

That looks like some kind of artistic version of a super germ. It is.

It's actually COVID.

You've got there, Lovely, lovely. I could do with more of that. As you can tell the sound of my voice.

You don't have COVID, you have a cold.

It's all the same thing.

It really isn't do you know how?

You know.

We didn't go into lockdown because someone had a cold in an office. The year of my life wasted not getting laid.

Did you really go without sex? The entirety of.

Yes, because I'm a good boy and because my housemate was awful? All right, every time I've thought about the well, I'm getting a bit desperate. It's been a while, right, I was going on websites and things and they're going, don't forget it's a lockdown. I'll have to tell the police.

Oh so they were going to shop you.

Yeah, I'm not too sure this is something because I've ever considered doing no.

Do you know why?

Why?

Casa was a brilliant artist. What I'm moving is the domestic happening in the gallery two minutes left? Sorry, who's directing? That was more fun than that?

This is really not going very well, is it not? It's really not crafty. Quid is not going very well?

No?

Can we hear the surprise? And everyone? Why is it not going wrong?

Very very ill?

And that's what I'm going to blame it on too. I have to just free range. I don't know what to do with free range.

I've not got a good egg. Well free range.

I'm basically doing the same thing I did with the egg. I'm turning it into a Las Vegas dancer.

You turned an egg into Las Vegas dancer.

I did turn the egg into a Las Vegas dancer, and he looked very pretty until you destroyed them.

Oh yeah, that was fun.

So you're not going to smash this glass.

I'm actually going to leave that as it is, because I think that that works as a glass. It's got some some some decoration on. It's in a bit of a theme shipped up to the side of it. It's got googly eyes on it. The garage not very excited about that.

But yeah.

Remember if you can't get any peen, any virgien or anything in between, you probably missed. But it could be a crafty queen.

See, not so bad.

Every daddy wants the Las Vegas Show girl wine glass.

Okay, I'm not sure how well that's going to go through a wash cycle.

It's it's for decoration, not use.

Okay, you see, I want to put wine in mine.

That is usually what you'd choose, the wine glass.

There's wine in your cupboard.

They're fruit jellies.

No they're not, but are.

They They're supposed to be wine gums, well, wine gums because someone wines whenever give them liquid near electric So I brought wine.

Gums, but for some reason someone put fruit and the things. Oh well, that's almost the end of the show for now. Remember showings on our social media at the TV, on all the usual places we're on TikTok as well, where you can watch this one get up to all sorts of things. The jokes about fisting.

Thank you for watching and we'll see you soon.

Bye bye, would you like one?

Oh? Go on?

Don't takes weeks from strange bed. Nope, don't let it