An Oral Sex Banger - Chewing The Cud - S05E30

You're watching Chewing the card.

We've missed Kinsman and like Benue Room, I wonder I've been doing it wrong all this time? Are you sure that's exactly how you should eat a clipper? M I wonder I get it all over the top. Anyway, welcome to During the Cards. What have you got this week? Mike?

You said that that's how you eat clip when you get it all over your top? What why are dribbling ice cream on somebody else? I guess, he said. Buttom and I have a story about a new health craze that's sweeping the world. And then we'll learn about the science of infusion and distillation. In that science that is, we.

Even have a game that you can play along with too. But on your screen now you should see our contact details. It's at the cud TV on your social media, and if you want to catch up with previous episodes, you can always bringe just on YouTube. Just look for during the cud and you.

Can see the names of people have reached out and said I love to go along the bottom of the screen. Misbrings us the show Bus news.

So are you ready for the show Bus news?

Barely?

Well, buckle up because this is what you're going to get, all right, some like my ex So, first of all, we have a lyric change. Oh so Sam Smith been in the ether for quite a while, they have you. So it's the tenth anniversary of The Lonely Hour, okay, and they're going to release a new edition of it. Okay. And whilst they're doing that, because Sam Smith has gone through a bit of a change or an affirmation, shall we say, rather than the changing, yes, because they now

What I love about that song in particular is the choir in the background. It is all Sam Smith, all of the songs that you hear sing and stay with me our Sam Smith's voice pitch shifted.

Isn't that just what Annie Lennox used to do?

I don't know.

I think that's just what Annie Lennox used to do. Not that original.

I didn't say it was original. I said I love the fact that it was done right. But it was done so well that you couldn't tell it wasn't a choir. And in the video they had.

A choir miming it as if it were singing it, but it's actually Sam smith voice all the way through it. I'm going to move on to the next story. I think that's probably sensible to me. So do you remember Big Brothers Brian Dowling.

I'm not a fan.

You're not a fun fan.

They just irritated me.

Oh I thought they were quite fun. Yeah. They've got a little baby on the way. On the way well delivered, sign yield and packaged well to think the packaged. So with their partner Arthur, they are now welcoming a little baby. They're calling Blue Blue Head Ranger right the drag Queen they may have lain after Blue eye change. Actually, maybe Arthur's a bit fit. Arthur is a bit fit. I don't know much about them, but I believe they are one of the dancers, or maybe one of the judges

Because strictly come dancing in something different. It's only sperm doing this.

Well, they're already parents to one year old Blake, and there's their sister Eifa, who has been a surrogate to bring both of them into the world. It's a very kind thing to do for a family member and it gives them the joy of children. They look very, very very happy there.

They do look very very happy.

Horribly sickening, isn't it, because they have not had to push a small person out of their choff an say, really productive area.

Yeah, choff will also work. It's easy to look composed when you know you weren't the one in stirrups.

Oh, probably looks a little bit tired there. They looked tired for a long time. Well I'm happy for them.

Well, well, good for them. Not a massive Brian Downy fan irritates me a little bit. Don't know why. Just one of those people that just rubs you up.

The wrong way.

No, I've never done that. I've met him.

Well, congratulations to those two. Congratulations we sometimes we sometimes do. Nice news. Finally, are you a fan of Little Mix?

Have they not been dismixed now?

Well, they disbanded for I believe that the intention is to get back together. But they have disbanded, and there's been a while now and some of them are released singles, et cetera. The next one up to do so is Our Jade, Our Jade, Our Jade. Well, I say, r Jade, Yes, that's the one, because she's quite quite the ally. He's a very very big fan and very big supporter of

Dining out on the pink pound.

Dining out on the pink pound, there's no innuendo in that phrase. You just see filth in everything, don't you dining out on the pink pound. Funnily enough, you're not the only one, she'd also said, So she's been recording new songs and she's been working with Okay, and she said the best thing about working with Tolow because she was like, how far can I go? Where do you want to do? What sound? What's the vibe? All that kind of stuff? Fill your boots, go as far as

Well what good net girl?

Well, yeah, you were telling me about that wet wet wet earlier. Yeah. Anyway, behave and.

So word quite innocently. We're told to be.

There is nothing innocent about you. Anyway, back to songs about anal sex, like a decent grown up the story telling the news. Back to anal sex. Apparently that song might not see because not every one's a hit, and what the studio will let you put on the album, et cetera, that one might not see the light of day. But apparently there is an oral sex banger definitely coming act. An oral sex bang, an oral sex banger, that's literally how they describe it.

I think that's a purpose.

And I think she's really figured out how to be an ally to the gay community.

By saying oral sex banger, by.

Giving us music that are considered oral sex bangers. An oral sex banger, an oral sex brought to you by Jade. And that's the showbiz for this week.

So she talked about anal and oral any other other intercourses we're talking about. This is a song about filtering.

She might like a little bit footage frotage.

I see when I first heard about frottage, right, I thought it was a new type of yogurt.

I thought it was sex with cheese.

I can see that too. But people going, oh, I love fratagem like when.

It's where you used dairy leaf for loube what when you use dairy leaf for lube?

Got that through cottage cheese?

I can kind of get Oh, no, that's what happens after I can kind of that's what happens really, dairy lee.

Sharp pointy bit of foil on the end of your knob.

You don't you take the foil off. You have to suck. That throws your teeth.

Your feeling's going ten to the du.

If you could cope with this kind of talk, stick around after the break, it's Mike with a buzz. You're watching Chewing the Card with Mister and Mike. And now we go into the deeper parts of the internet as it's Mike and the Buzz. The sports hate it.

Of the water variety, mm not fun. It's acid golden shells. No, this actual sport, Okay, A new sport has swept the world by storm, which involves no horses whatsoever. Hobby horsing, Oh, I hate sport, so you can't have an input.

I would argue that hobby horsing is an art.

It's been recognized as a sport.

They are so, yes, it is a it's dominating TikTok as people hobby horse around AsSalt courses and things.

They take it so seriously.

Well properly, like hobby horse dressage.

That she's she's leaping over. Yeah, she's leaping, not dressing out broom mangle between the legs, jumping off barriers.

Right, I used to be a horse rider when I was a child. That's right, quite good.

There's so many things I could say, but I'm not going to.

At high high leave the boots for most of my childhood, very tight trousers.

H okay. So yeah, and did the priest like them?

I can imagine that being very, very fun.

They take it seriously. It's not fun. They made it an actual sport.

Well see, that's my point. If you considered it as an art form, which I would, then it's fun, it's expressive, it's good. It's because it's bog amagam a sport. It's shit and enjoyable. Look at seriousness on that woman's face. That person's face exactly far too serious. See boo sports boo.

Yeah, so would you would you take up that sport?

I would I take up the art for I'd enjoy, I'd enjoy. Yeah. I think it's just daftly fun. But I know people who do Morris dancing, and that's not too dissimilar skipping about with a rod and then backing people up against things. That's not what I went to say. That's that's I went whacking people around the head.

Yeah, so Maurice dancing has got a tradition because it's it's a folk law and it's a way of getting rid of spirits and things and all that sort of bringing spring and ship. Yes, this is people that are growing ass adults running around pretending to be riding horses. Yes, very different things.

They're not really.

It's like the people that play quidditch and think that they're flying on a broom, running around with the broom between your legs like that damage for you dies.

Because there's official rules on how to play broomstick quidditch. Yeah, it's it's a bit bonkers, But sport in general doesn't make any sense. To me, I like athletics as sport. I like the physical form pouch okay, maybe college wrestling, Okay, that might be the one sport on into for obvious reasons.

What are the others reasons?

Tight singlets on very fit men grappling and struggling with.

Each Okay, how long has it been missed?

It's been forty five years.

Eighty two years is the phrase. Maybe that's why you're single. The bad titan I think you're.

Not quoting the same thing I'm quoting.

You were quoting Titanic and got it wrong. And now you're trying to say it's because of your birthday, and you're trying to penter're a virgin, and there's no way or a virgin apart from on the impossible anyway. Moving on, do you like to go for a walk? No, we know that. How I'm asking that question.

We've had that conversation before he damaged his knee in nineteen twenty something.

You can't walk since falls off stages, pissed and says, also, there's a step there. I didn't know about why I laugh. It is true, it's true. Oh there was a step there. You've got up there. It's another slider.

Anyway, there's a new way of exercising. Okay, that is good for you. I don't mind ex I hate sport, I like it.

That's okay.

This is exercising and it's called having a fart walk. A fart walk, A fart walk? Is that what you're just trying to be discreete No, no, no.

This is going for a walk to purposely decrease the amount of gas in your stomach squeezing out. Okay. So they've done tests, right, and what they've worked out is that that people that walk every day, especially after a meal, fart less. Okay, because what fart is it's trapped gas. Yes, that builds up and build up until it finally gets out.

I understand the shoot.

What they've done is they've inserted the tube into people's poop shoots, right, and had them stay still to see how long it takes for the gas to come out, and in the same people and saying that done the same thing, but on a walk and small amounts of gas just every time you walk, we'll just of not from you, okay, clapping seal, but a little bits of fart we'll escape. And so it means that you're not having a full it's just little bits and so you

And these scientists that condoned these people into letting the stick tubes up there bub the whole bother of writing a paper to justify perversions.

All I did was put on a white coat. They assumed I'm a scientist and I put this tube up. Yeah, or is this for science? Let's say yes. Let's say yes. I think that's a brilliant idea. So if you have a big meal, you start to feel a bit gas in things Christmas Day sprouts, go for a walk.

If I've had a big meal, I don't want to go for a walk, And that's the perfect time to have one because that's going to stop you building up the gas and making with the lethargy worse.

Because your stomach feeling full causes you to feel tired.

Well, that that is true. So by having that walk, it reduces the gas, so you would like to not have a sleep afterwards.

I think that's important medical research. And that person has been grabbing their inner book cheeks for far too long. So if I missed you go on a little wak to vacate the bowels. Why not share it with us? And we are at the good TV on social media and that brings us nicely to our story of the week. You don't want to holiday much.

To you, No, not very often, but too busy doing this show and making things right for.

You, So get what you pay for. You never heard the awkward balloon.

The awkward balloon.

The awkward blue were.

Just holdable and imaginary blue that say it's the awkward balloon. I'm supposed I heard that you've heard losing the game, so it of thought you'd heard about the awkward balloon. Gentlemen in China has been arrested for smuggling on a hundred snakes on a plane in his pants. Ooh, it was stopped because one was seen slipping out, uh huh of his of his trouser area. Shall we say, mm hmm.

Yeah, one hundred snakes. That's a lot of snakes. Yeah, they'd be wiggling about. They were wiggling about, and there were some more constrictors. So if he needs a cock ring and others were very venomous. What the hell was he thinking?

You were thinking?

These snakes are very expensive. Let's get them over the border. I can sell them for a profit. He must have been very ginger when he sat down. It was a ginger ginger. Wasn't sitting down gingerly?

Oh, it must be very gentle sitting down. Yeah, it's like, oh, I want to sit down, quick, bleach my head, ginger.

And choose the oldie worldy English.

You know, it's just for us, old world English. It's like the y in ye isn't a why, it's a thorn, it's a sound. So it's actually the old bookshop, not the oldie book shopping anyway.

Snakes okay, snakes.

On the plane, not the movie, just random gentlemen. So yeah, he was smugging a hundred life snakes and they started to slip out when he got to Hong Kong.

So they catch him in the airport. Then at the other end, seeing what's going on there? Love, I'll put us exactly. They talked, all right, love, what starts sticking out your trousers?

So so John Smith from Burnley working in Hong Kong airport?

Right, why is that funny?

H John's fifth He went to work, had a great career.

The guy with the snakes and his pants?

What happened to the snake in his pants?

What happened to the go with snakes his pants? He was arrested for smoggling snakes in his pants across international borders. It's a league.

How long did he go down for?

Though?

I suppose that has gone with the guy in his prison cell. But I say, I don't think he went down with the snakes something it's of from the buzz this week?

What's going on there? What's going on here? Oh?

It breaks my brain, honestly breaks my brain.

Stick around because come me up next. We have a game to play in our Game the week.

Welcome back, and yes you are watching Shearing the cuds. We're going to play a little game in our Game of the week and this one is for the man who wants. I don't think I should read that out. It's Mike.

I have a little looks back the Ufoalay.

Of the week. Right now, it's time for the Gobby Game Show with Mike. What songs have you got for us this time? Well? I guess that's what I need to figure out.

I am ready.

Oh hello, that was very softly done.

Don't worry, gallery, I did get it. I was just waiting to see him exploded into the chorus. Yes ninety nine red balloons or loft balloons. If you want to go with the original German why why mm hmm bye? You want to know the artist? Uh Nina? I think yeah, okay, and no more than I.

Let on that one.

Let's say spit it out. But come on, Oh.

What a rep for the hour on the form and the flower. But happen for fi but.

And roll repref our TikTok no not TikTok by no more. You can see where I was going with.

That one, right per football.

I don't know what that would be though, Okay, uh huh minute two minutes we hacken second mate minute hour hour.

Five second minute hour by Jordy who is an l G B t Q I A plus artist finding on I dreans support them amazing.

Oh that's fun. Well what that gallery? Do you have a clue? Gallery? Guests? Please?

I like that.

Don't have a Scooby Texas you are I didn't know Texas did a song called beyond the song about Hut the next please? Well, you're not helping.

Another hard lot another lit a.

Follow lo.

I'm not doing very well this week. You can figure it out at home. I'm a little bit worried, Miley cyrul wrecking ball. God BlimE me. You don't have to murder these songs and leaven the bull GAG's got no excuse for.

The lay song, very high, who live all the fellas?

Ah sweet dreams? If I didn't get that, I should really just give in life now. There's no way I should not be able to get sweet dreams by your inmate Hallo la gallery any clue? No, they don't get it either. Hm hmm is it not a song? Are you just having a mental breakdown? Is everything okay?

Well about half?

Do we need to call someone?

Hm?

La la la la la lalla?

Heading on a whole Ghostbusters? I didn't mean the Ghostbusters. I meet your therapist, another girl. They say I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Dinging ding dingo blood hang gang No not blood off them? Oh offspring, yes, oh.

Oh no.

I feel shame. I feel utter utter shame. Please anybody who knew me the nineties, don't kick me in the balls for this. I'm sorry.

Kick him in the balls.

Well, come on, I need to get past.

Now.

Be a low all for that now.

I think I had the song, but I can't remember who it was, but I want to think I better leave right now, bye Bavis.

Well, yoll.

Oh it will young. It wasn't my kind of music. Very nice, fellow though.

Off for.

Well, I I that is my kind of music. I just happened to have dementia.

Hello hello, what what what the telephone Beyonce and Gaga?

Uh huh, yeah, I got one right. I think that might be the Thats what I've probably got right this week.

Fine, finally.

Got all right? All right, comedy Gold couldjob you your TV presenter and lot a stand up?

Well? Fat now.

Fair? Another song please, Mike. You know it's great TV when you can just see the up at your bold bonce you just draw something on your head. We could do advertising, promote things on the show. Yeah, I could just see the brand logo for Personal just just marked out there, or maybe a Mars bar.

Finished.

I'm waiting for a song.

Only lave uh Judge, Michael, why did that lake it so wrong?

Huh it's been a while, said George. And after wife with the offspring confused with the Bloodhound gang, I thought I better you know Mulletto before I made a cock of myself. I want that's all you can remember? Moliking tie by wings? Or is it just pull my car?

I don't want?

Uh huh oh.

What sorry? You look like a goldfish giving a ted talk? What is the way you do? Look like a cold fish? When are you doing that? It's like a cold fish.

Enough of that coming up next, it's not even graphical whatever coming up next. It's that science that is with me. He's supposed to This.

Link to me is laughing, stick around, Welcome back to you in the cud. And now we've got something that's going to be a deep infusion in that science.

That is that science that is so you got very excited when you saw the things in front of you and actually asked whether I was trying to fuck you. The answer that is no. But have you ever wondered how they get flavors into spirits?

Yes?

Okay, because there's two ways. You can do it through distillation, so you can ferment. So so if you make like grape grape wine, you can then distill it and it will have flavors from that, okay, okay. Or you can put things into the already distilled spirit and redistill it and it will will take up the flavors for that distillers license additionally distillers license as well officially. But what you can also do is infuse drinks with fruits and things.

Oh okay, we're steeping old fruit. Well it's not old fruit, it's quite young fruit. Because I've heard you enjoy your young fruit.

So the first thing I need to do is because we're going to be putting things into the bottle, so we need to make space in the bottle. So we need to empty out the vodka.

That's in here.

You're saying I need to drink some boot.

No, I'm asking you to pour it into the glass that if you pine, so pour it away into one of the glasses. Just open up and pour, pour away.

The people are no fun.

I'm lots of fun. You don't want to empty the whole bottle because you want the about that much. You want about half the half the main neck.

Of the bottle left, Okay, okay, so we're.

Just going to pop that to one side for a bit. Okay, I'm going to pop that there and I'm not going to do is we're going to put in a selection of fruits and some chocolate as well, because we're going to get a chocolatety finish.

Okay, I've been known to enjoy a chocolate finish.

I've heard.

So what I want you to do is just is just chop some of the fruit up as small as you can. I'm just going to pop it into the bottle all of the fruit or well, you can do any combination you like. Okay, all the fruits have given you so given you cherries and strawberries and blue bris and things.

They all go well together, they do.

But I think for me, cherry and chocolate is the best combo.

It is a good comba.

So because I quite like a black forest cato. How seventies of you I know who would have thought of me? Who likes something from the seventies?

Considering you're wearing flares again, So you don't have to worry about destoning the fruit either, So like the cherry is not stoning it, you can just pop that in as well. Oh okay, fruit afterwards if you want to, But you don't have to.

How many or much of the how much substance matter do you want to be shoving.

In you want, you want a fair amount. Okay, obviously the stronger flavors you want less of. So a cherries, I put a couple in, but the strawbers have put a light in.

If you're putting line, Estu, strawberries aren't exactly the most known for being for being strong, mind you, lots of things flavored strawberry in the world. It seems to be like the first go to, let's have a fruity flavor after orange.

Well, orange is used because it's it's very easy to get the flavor from because of the oil in the skin. Raspberry, did you know you know I get like that is kicking the blue raspberry flavor. Yes, and it's always bright blue. And one of why it's bright blue.

That's because the variety of raspberry is actually a blue. It's called a blue variety. That's mighty interesting.

It is a different thing. That's a game that we play.

Mister you're confused, I'll pop pick it into the bottle, into the bottle, into the vodka, into the waiting vodka that's just sat there waiting quite happily for you to just I think I so I went to London Pride Fair fair few years ago, okay, and somebody had a vodka there. Yeah, I don't know how long, Maybe you can tell me. But it had one blade of grass in it and we drank that and it did taste of and it was absolutely refreshing, just a single blade of grass in vodka and it just it was this

That's marketing, right, Because the vodka itself is made from distilling the like a wine made from grass kind of thing. So they distill that and that's what's got the flavor of grass, and it not that single blade. That single blade is just a blade of grass. Oh no, No, this was not a sold product.

This wasn't it. This was something somebody did, handmade.

Yeah, it's they've they' very bottled buffalo vodka for you, just to let them sound amazing. How disappointing people lie?

So what's good? I choose to believe my fantasy rather than your made up reality you prefer to. I know it didn't make sense when I said this, anyway, done, I've done the cherry.

Okay, just doing cherry.

Then I was going to put chocolate in as well.

By chocolate as well.

Then you're just going straight after they'll just pop it straight and just pop it straight in. I need to be chopping up as well though. You need to do choppy chopp it needed need to do choppy chopping.

Choppy chopping, because that's what gets into the bottley bottle thing.

Okay, I'm getting very stained fingers me too. It's all yeah, it's all very much.

Reminds me very very much time I did what's it pins.

With whom I enjoyed a bit of a pims last night? Did you I did enjoy a PIM last night?

Yes, me and a few of my friends from Unich.

We're sat in the.

Park just the end of Jugger Pims as as flat because they lived opposite from the part I used to go in and come out.

How upper class aspiring of a drunk were you when you were in Universe? Most people I do like getting cheap cider. You're going for a Pims in the park. Yeah, that's what you're doing it when it's sunny, Mad Dog twenty twenty by the swings empty.

That's what you should Why are you calling it mad dog. Everybody knows it's MD twenty twenty. Then there was this time I was out in Brighton at the pavilion and I had a bottle of white lightning.

Ooh, now you're getting more to my level.

So I didn't drink it. I was cleaning things off with it. That foul stench of a thing in my body.

After knowing what you put do put in your body, I don't think you can say I think I think can So have you chopped.

Up your fruit? I'm propably horror or and now it's in the chocolate. Well, that chocolate a furniture shop, because that's where I buy my fruit from these days, furniture shops mainly balls and sausages.

It all looks a little bit horrible at the bottom.

Well did you did you chop and pop it in? Or did you master it up and then put it.

I chopped and popped it in because.

I chopped and popped it in and it looks fine.

Those looks more like a fruit salad.

So now what're going to do is we're going to lid it. Okay, why are screwtop so hard? And then I said screwtops, not tops. Then you're going to shake it like a polaroid picture.

While your musical references are very, very old, at.

Least I know the difference between the Offspring and Nirvana or wherever. Yeah, yeah, you're shaking up the I think because it's infusing. Yeah, once you're infused, you just need to top it back up.

Then sorry, pretty more vodking.

You're putting some of the vodka in that you took out again.

You like to do these experiments where I'm dealing with lots of fluids above electricals.

Don't spill it?

Then?

Can you never give me a funnel?

Well, you keep asking for a funnel, but there's say no because I don't want to give you.

You want me to die or.

I have a problem. It's very hard in the studio, and everybody knows that vodka evaporates the temperatures.

He's getting pissed ladies and gentlemen, and.

He's evaporated out my glass.

So I've not got to put it back in.

Ping chin, did they drink it?

Don't drink it. Drinking vodka sets so professional.

So I've got a lovely drink. In several months time, we could drink it.

Now we walk cage to very much vodka, which apparently is delicious.

I don't know. I got to check that theory.

What what's the game of this thing if you can't get any or any No, no, no, that's not how it goes anyway.

What is it?

One?

Is it professionalism?

Professionalism? Professional can't get any call any professionalism? Be a crafty science? That is that science? That is Yeah, I said again, it's.

Quite disgraceful, really, lack of professionalism.

I came on this show to show you science and things.

You did come on the show to show me something, and I've showed you sciences and you sampled your own way as.

Doing so vodka at the desk and it was delicious.

And you're now in the States.

I'm profeture for professionalism.

Do you see what I have to put up with ladies and gentlemen and everybody else in between.

Well, it's almost the end of the show. Remember to look for out the cud TV and social media's and if you want to catch up the YouTube.

Yeah, power going to professionalism.

Part way a bit of parrot. Yes, sorry list, I'm sorry, Thank you for watching.

Sorry List, I will see you again soon.

I'll be sick