Episode 115 - Defined and Defiled

I can find a book about fucking anything and about fucking anything. Hello and welcome to another episode of Cheap Smut. My name is Katie Mizelle. My name is Max. Joy. And this is a podcast that has the shiver shakes right now. I feel like I have energy like a little Pomeranian. I'm just like, how are you? Great, now that we paused the show for two hours and came back and you uh cleaned the entire house. How are you?

Uh that does sound like like a good like I would love to do that. I am good. I'm shaking, literally. Yeah. I know I know we're gonna go. Something wrong with me, I don't know. As soon as we're done. You're just so excited to go for a walk with me and him bojo. Walkies. You want one. Uh I'm good. Uh now. Yeah. Last week not great. No. Oh was it bad? Oh was it bad. This was a house of Ugh, misery last week.

And here's the thing, if you would have just like if you would have been like, Wow, uh God, what I'm so sorry, what was it? And I just like if if we had cameras in our house, like those weirdos that have cameras in their house. I I would show it to you and you would just see a family existing. Yeah. But like internally screaming. Screaming. Everything's on Fire.

What happened? Oh, I'll tell you what happened. We got the first snow. The gray is here to stay. Seasonal affective disorder is fucking real. And now I'm sad because I get less light in a day. Much like a tree or something. Yeah, exactly. So uh seasonal defect uh seasonal affective disorder uh is kicking in uh in the in the joy brain. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh specifically. Um but I started playing Fallout Four again in Stardew Valley. So uh I think I think we're gonna be okay. Mm. I think we're gonna be okay. And I and and I started um Started listening to uh music from Bollywood and talking. Oh yeah. Well, if if that doesn't bring you joy then what the fuck? I then you do need to go find a therapist. The the twenty eighteen version of Ankamare from from Simba, just Fox. It slaps so fucking hard, man. How are you?

M besides being a bouncy puppy, I'm pretty good, thank you. Uh I am better today uh because we made it through our first Weekend sick. Oh yeah. Yeah. And I'm glad you I'm glad you brought that up because the thing that preceded it I wanted to talk about at some point during the show. But yes. Yeah. So w Thursday into Friday. Mm-hmm. First the boy and then the girl. Fevers, boogers.

it uh we we don't know if it was a flu, if it may have been covid, if you know, um we uh we just stayed in the fucking house for three four days just to, you know, quarantine ourselves whenever Especially the kids'cause they're fucking disgusting. Little germ fat. So their hands are constantly covered in whatever illness. Anyway, they are officially through the worst of it and we sent their butts to so Uh And I am so happy to start cleaning up. the sick bed that is our home.

Yeah. Yeah, and kids if you have kids you know how it is. Uh everybody gets shut down and you just you're on low power mode. Exactly. Uh the kids slept so much this weekend. But what preceded it Was on Wednesday night. You i our son was up super, super duper late because you took him to Grand Rapids to go see Stardew Valley Symphony of the Season. Yes. The music of Stardew Valley was performed by the Grand Rapids uh Symphony Orchestra. Yes, the Grand Rapids of Junior Orchestra.

traveling conductor and there's like a narrative element. um and and that sort of thing. But it was the first time that our son got to make a connection between like the games that he loves and the music of the games and all the things that we love um in terms of creativity and in in in making things.

Uh and he never once asked to go home early. He he had a blast the entire time. It was not his first concert experience. He was very clear. He's been on field trips where he's seen concerts. Yes. Um but it was his first like Trip to the performance hall with mom or dad. Oh. What's gonna fit him for like five years? I don't know man. I we were looking at him today going, He's already he's already up to your chest.

Yeah, he is. And he has Slenderman arms right now because he's going through a growth spurt so he's about He's he's on the he's on the closer side. He's seven. He'll be eight in April, and he's closer to five foot than he has four and a half. Yeah. It's it's insane. I mean we're both tall. We are. Still.

And our younger daughter is also going through a growth spurt. You just said yesterday. You were like, she looks cut right now. You can see her muscles. She's got like a little baby six pack because she's all like growing parts and She's so fucking strong. And she's so much larger than the other two. It's so Not taller. She just like me big baby. And it's so great. She's the gentlest, sweetest.

Funniest little soul, but she looks like she looks like Big Bertha compared to all the rest of the children, and I fucking love that. Every day it looks like a first grader who was a delayed speaker is hugging all the pre-K kids. Nope, it's just our It's just our big baby. Our big baby gotta fucking love her.

I just I w uh it the last week has been so miserable. I wanted to start the show by talking about things that were We're joyful. Um before we dove into the sad book. No, I'm kidding, this is not a sad book. It's that it's not sad at all'cause it's still ghost like fall.

Yeah, we did. We meant we intended we were we were well intentioned in in getting a a book out every week. We didn't do it. Um but we've still got this one and one more next week. Yes. Next week is the last week of Ghost Light Fall. Yes it is. Um so with that said, what is the uh penultimate ghost light fall book that we have on? Today I am telling you the fantastic story of Defined and Defiled by Elsie LePar. I I love defining and defiling so I'm looking forward to it.

Fantastic. Let's get into it. Um, so uh Defined and Defiled by Elsie Leplant is a Ghost Light Falls novella, and it's priced like all the other Ghost Light Falls novels. Though that pricing model is$3.69 for an ebook order uh free to borrow through Kindle Unlimited,$10.69 for a print-on-demand pay.

This is the first book I ever read from Elsie Leplant, though I have heard her name in the circles because once you're once you're a weirdo smart writer or smart reader, I start to know who you are. Um I really wish you'd have said this is the first book I ever read. My whole life. No no I can read. I can, I just don't. Just when you put that many words together consecutively in a bound volume I

I that makes me wonder what the previous hundred and fifteen episodes of this show were about. If I if this is the first book I've ever read. I you it there that we just dropped a dime on ourselves. No. So El C Laplan. has one other series currently going'cause whenever I read a new author I always go and look and see what else they have, right? Um it's called the Hornucopia novellas series. Um and it is about I think I can't tell if they're shifters or just sentient.

Vegetables and I fucking love that. One of them is, I believe, a squash, and the other one is an eggplant. Of course. I was gonna say if one isn't an eggplant, I don't I think LC needs Seriously. Also in their author bio, Elsie says that if you I think I think she heard pronouns. Um, hold a cornucopia up to your ear. You can hear her complaining about capitalism. Which means we should be best friends forever and ever. Fun fact, no matter what you hold up to your ear, I will complain about it.

I will complain about capitalism. I will. Take that twenty pound kettlebell, fucking old shoe, candle. I don't care. in the background. Fuck capitalism just I I hate that I live in it. I hate that I can't tear it down with my own two hands, you know. Anyway, participate in capitalism and get Elsie's other books. Because if it we have to live in it, at least we should make it serve us, right? Exactly. Um

Let's do the triple T's for defined and defiled. Yes. Our trigger. Serial workplace harassment, that one guy you avoid at work functions, magic, accidental use of magic, non consensual transfiguration, mild body horror, nineties references and excessive. Oh. Wow. Yeah. Uh the puns were Like S tier. There were so many fucking puns. Holy shit, Elsie. Um, for tropes. This is an FM cis heterosexual romance between a human woman and a human man who has been turned into a magic.

Okay. It is age gap, uh though both are over twenty-five and it's not that's not particularly relevant to the story. He is like twenty five years older. Supernatural small town, secrets, lies, and creepy jokes. And for our titillations, we have unique anatomy, sex with a sentient object, sex in public, sex in a car, oral sex, vaginal sex, double penet double penetration. His tongue is the ribbon bookmark. Just real quick, if this is your first episode of of Cheap Smut, um

Welcome. Hi. They can also be titillations. They can. They can. It depends on who you are specifically. Because she said creepy janitors. Yeah. But then she went into the titillations. If if if you heard Creepy Janitor and then titillations and went oh That's okay. If you're into creepy janitors. Yeah. Go nuts. I mean, this might not be the book for you if that's the case, but I can find you a creepy janitor book, I swear.

All of the I you know, not to dive not to con continue to digress, but all of the people that all the friends that we have that we always like oh, we should have them on the show uh and like have a book that is relevant to the very weird specific thing that they do. Yeah. I'm never I'm never Skeptical that we will that we won't find a book that is relevant.

Seriously, I can find a book about fucking anything and about fucking anything. I can find it, I swear. And if I can't, I know people who can.

Well, I've got a couple of people who uh I I gotta reach out to to get on the show, so we'll Fantastic. Please. Yes, bring me guests. Let me terrorize them with smile. But for now I'll just terrorize you. Uh So we continue with Ghost Light Fall. Um and if you're new to Ghost Lightfall, I mean hi, but why are you starting here? There are two more episodes before this that will probably

help you understand what's happening here. But if you don't want to go back, Ghostlight Falls is a supernatural small town near Portland, Oregon that is settled on ley lines. Um it is home to monster entrepreneurs. Monstrepreneurs as uh I had to write down um monstrepreneurs is A fantastic word. You didn't have to. I had to. You didn't have. I had. Yeah. So monstrepreneurs, magicians, both good and not so good, um

They have a Jekyll and Hyde m living map guy, um, escaped lab experiments. There's one single ambiguous tourist trap, one museum dedicated to an amphibian that lives nearby. And a bunch of people who live there to support all of those businesses. And some of those people have Children and if you have children, what else do you have? There's also a bucket. Not over there. It's in Oregon.

No, no, no. Not like no no not like not the two E. Oh. It's one that is very clearly ripping off The the like the the EE Buckies is so fucking scared of them that they won't sue them. They wet it's not a big thing. They they rolled into town with like their lawyers and they took one look at the Wonder Hole. Ha ha ha. And they were like, Is there one behind me? 'Cause I'm just gonna I don't even feel comfortable doing a three point. I'm gonna reverse Right on out of here. Right on out of here.

Ghostlight Fall Falls authors, you're welcome to take that for yourself. There's there's a rip off Buckeys in town, but no one can sue because they're too scared. Please. That's hilarious. Thank you. Uh but for real though, if you have children in a town, what else do you need? Nothing. Oh. Oh a children? Um I don't care. I don't know. I thought that was your thing. I'm kidding. Today's the day we learned that Max is an absolutely terrible father. He's like, you're just the trashest husband.

But no, when they're here I'm gr Ha ha when they're gone, fuck'em. I couldn't tell you where the-

For real though. You need a school. Yeah. And there is a Ghost Light Falls public school. It is a single building housing all twelve grades. Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah, we've we all know that rural school. It's got a like a graduating class of six every year or whatever, right? Um it's one of those. My the cousin that graduated the same year that I did graduated I believe Yeah. Wow. I think I graduated in a class of o over three hundred. Yeah, uh I went to a very large public school.

school and I was like I was like 180. I was and I I graduated like 90 out of 180. I was the most mid fucking student. I had a three point nine something and I remember being pissed. Cause it was it could have been a four point oh. Yeah. But I'm bad at math. And that's why it wasn't Because I am bad at math. I mean let's be I'm being very literal right now. I couldn't get my math grade up. Oh, but she understood the irony because she was great in the uh liberal arts.

It's fucking solid in the humanities. Numbers? Who needs them? That's my thing. Um, I suppose I could ask our FMC for help if I wanted to, because she is a teacher at this fine learning institution that is Ghost Light Falls Public School. She is Shirley Sumner. All right. Miss Shir Miss Sumner or Shirley is a fifth grade teacher. Um, she is the fifth grade teacher. I'm sure they don't have more than one fifth grade class. Um

Yeah, just f file in. No, no, we're we're not gonna have that many next year. Right, uh, in the middle school wing of this school. And um I think she's like at most about thirty. She's a young teacher, but she's not fresh out of uh her student teaching young. Yeah. She has red hair, glasses, and she ha wears a giant cardigan like all the time. She is your grandma, but she's thirty, you know? Love her. We meet her at the school in the first

chapter. Classes have already ended for the day, but of course she's still there because teachers are always s working beyond their hours. Um and she is in the principal's office being uh dressed down by Principal Bailey, who She has been encouraging her students to cheat. Um, which is not what she said. She clarifies. She said, if you're gonna cheat, be creative, cause I can spot your chat GPT bullshit a mile away. That's what she said. And Principal Bailey's like Well

I guess it's all in the wording then, but I don't think it's too bad if the students get a a little help every now and again. Do you I guess he just really doesn't give a shit if students learn fucking anything or just chat GPT rules the world. He then tells her that her financial proposal, her funding proposal that she submitted for the year for uh functional burners for the science classes has been rejected.

Because they simply don't have the funding for it. That's not true. They have plenty of funding. He's just playing power games. No of course. It's just what he does. They just got a new cafeteria, but Principal Bailey likes to do it. Fuck this guy. Real piece of the Piece of work. Real piece of work. She leaves Principal Bailey's office and she stops at the main desk to raid the candy dish and talk to Marge, the secretary. Marge is a geriatric.

old woman, you know, the kind of secret school secretary that literally runs this place on her back. She's dead. She's a ghost. She didn't stop coming to work. Quite literally choked on a piece of candy at her desk and was like, That's no excuse to not show up the next day. She still runs this place. And if she ever did decide to leave or if they like exercised her, the whole institution I'm sure that's the right thing.

She just came right back and was like, Fuck it, I just saved this district fifty grand on my salary. She has very strong opinions about what does and does not constitute an excuse to have I bet she does. She's dead and she's still here. So Marge encourages Shirley to sweet talk Mike the janitor in order to get access to the basic And while she doesn't want to do this for two reasons.

One, the school basement is strictly off limits and has been since the nineties after some kids went a little too uh Meta uh after they saw the craft. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and two, because Mike is a creep and she doesn't really want to talk to him if she can help it, let alone sweet talk him in any way. Yeah, that's not a a superlative I want to put in front of the any talking I want to do to a creepy janitor named Mike. Yeah. But Shit talking about.

Shit talk him. There you go. We could shit talk him. Is is he into degradation? I could break his little heart. There you go. But no, she needs to sweet talk him apparently in order to access the basement because There are a bunch of old supplies down there that have just been down there since it was locked up in the nineties. She could rate it, maybe find something actually useful for her students because

apparently the principal doesn't care if they learn English or science at this point. She's gonna have to do this by herself. Mike the janitor is your quintessential, creepy, grimy Janitor. Think of a white man named Mike in a stained polo. He's probably got a weird mustache to go with it all, you know. He's just not great. Mike is a little too interested in Shirley for her comfort. But she thinks that he is otherwise harmless and if he can get her basement access then she will

Mm pretend to say maybe to going out to dinner at Ratcliffe's later. Although there's no fucking way you get her to drive across town on a school night. And who's got Ratcliffe's money? I mean, come on. I work at a public school. Like everything about this woman's life is like I am so broke. I am barely functioning right now. And she can't expense it. Seriously, w to to whom would you expense that shit?

They go down to the basement. It is dark, dusty, creepy, all the things that you expect a school basement that hasn't been touched in thirty years to be. Um but she does manage to find a box labeled five G S. And she's like, score fifth grade science stuff maybe and it's buried under a pile of other stuff. She goes to like pull it out from that pile and the whole pile collapses. And when she reorients herself, she can't breathe because there is a

settled on her chest. Mike is spooked. He wants to leave, but she gets him to leave asking for some water or something so that she can pilfer through these boxes really quick while he's gone'cause she doesn't want him to know that she's stealing stuff, right? Um She gets away with a ton of stuff um a bunch of

Plastic flasks, a brand new box of never-before open safety goggles, like really great stuff. But some of it she has to shove under her shirt, which makes a weird boxy shape. So to protect that. She picks the book. Puts it in front of her chest and she kind of thinks she hears a muffled sound, like something like talking, when she puts it up to her chest. But Mike is back and he's all

And he's trying to give her water, but it's not from a sealed container, it's from his own personal water bottle, and she's like, Absolutely not. No, no, thank you. Why would You do. Why would you offer Seriously? Instead, uh I I want just let's just go. And she goes to leave and he's like, Why why do you have that book? And she's like Book Gods Forgive Me rips a page out, kind of thinks she hears something go

But she's too busy trying to make up a lie right now. She says that it was damaged when it fell on her. She is going to take it to the local bookstore and um have them repair it and then bring it back because she doesn't want any evidence that they were down. strictly forbidden, right? So we can't show we can't have any evidence. She just lies her her way through this and Sweet talks him a little bit with phrases like, It can be our little secret and gets him and that book out of the basic.

When she gets to her car, which is a barely functional shit box that like no like the windows are permanently down. It's got like a twice rebuilt tranny. It's just an awful piece of machinery. Uh she gets into head home and she turns on her audiobook for the drive and she's lis she's listening to something that's clearly not a Sarah J. Mass book, right? Um, but it is'cause it's called like a court of dicks and flowers. And um She gets to a spicy scene and she hears somewhere in the car Damn

And she looks around for someone outside the car,'cause again, the windows are permanently down. Somebody might just be hearing this from the outside, but there's nobody there. She continues her drive, the book continues to play. The MMC fucks the FMC like the good little witch she is. And she for sure hears Dam from And she's not sure what the fuck is going on, but she thinks maybe she's on a phone call.

And doesn't realize she butt dialed somebody. So she goes to reach for her phone. She knocks it off of the passenger seat so she's like digging she's driving with her knees and Don't fucking do it. Shirley, please. Shirley. No, Shirley. And so she's driving with her knees. She's digging around in her floorboard. for uh her phone and she hears from her s her passenger seat, you might wanna keep your eyes on the road. And she looks over and she finds that book.

Which is a dictionary, by the way. It's like a um it's one of those beautiful unabridged looks like it should be sitting on a podium in the library kind of dictionaries, right? Um has a face in it. Not m not Carter O'Graffy style, like magic memor style, like uh the a screen and then a head floating in the abyss behind it. She sees that Screamed. Yeah. He screams Eyes on the Road and she looks up to see.

That Sheedy's stationary, the unstationary stationary store that constantly moves around, has for some reason manifested in the middle of the road. It doesn't usually do that. It usually stays away from like major thoroughfares, but she doesn't have any anything to do except crank the wheel and run the shitbox into a It's either that or the side of Sheeties. Swear to Christ. Who would insure

Shady's Stationery. I have no idea. Oh, if you want to know more about Shady's Stationery, read Paper and Passion by Sabrina Cross. I think Sabrina wrote that one. Uh that one is about the woman who works at Shitty's. So You'll f you'll find out more about why this fucking place just moves constantly. And it it's probably nothing more than a joke about the word stationary. Yeah. But that's how we found out that it's actually the land that's insured and not the property.

Shit. Oh that's a problem. Building. You didn't read the fine print.

bikes so our lots insured forever. But the building itself, not so much. Um anyway, so she hits this tree The paramedics come, they give her a clean bill of health. She's gotta get the car to a mechanic, but it runs okay still. You can barely tell the n old dings from the new dings and She just gets back in the car and finally has an opportunity to look at this book. And yeah, there's a fate.

In the book, and she asks if it is okay, and he's not particularly happy, like the floating head in the book. is a man. That's the only thing that we know about him right off the bat. And he is super not pleased. He is not pleased to have been in a car wreck. He's not pleased to have been kidnapped. He's not pleased to have been ripped.

on purpose. And other than that, he doesn't know anything about who he is or where he's from or why he is a book, though he's pretty sure he hasn't always been a book. He has pretty distinct memories of suddenly being a book. And then For apparently until she picked him up again. I don't remember exactly when we get a description of the guy in the book. So I'm just gonna give it to you right now. He looks like Will Smith at the peak of his fresh prince days.

You in my brain, for some reason, I was gonna shoot from the hip Wilder Vald Valdorama. Rolled around. But and you said Will, I went Will Mervaldo Rama. Just That would have been a good one. No. Yeah. looks like Will s Will Smith peak fresh prints. So the high flat top, the skinny mustache, even the hoop earring. If you didn't have a crush on Will Smith at some point during the nineties, that tells me a lot about you.

Cause I sure did. Will Smith is a handsome man. Right. So and he does look apparently about the same age as her, though we do. He's just ageless now because he's he's in a book. He is otherwise a very fancy book with like leather binding and he's got filigree edges and like little metal thingies on the corners. Um he's also got the the edge. Doodled on his cover. You know the S.

You know the S, you do. Everybody's drawn it. Three lines, three lines, three lines, three lines you make the Superman S. It's doodled on his cover. Obviously a defacement, not a feature, right? Um That she takes him home and she shares a very humble bung bungalow on the edge of town with her ex-girlfriend, Twilight. She fell for Twila and moved across the country to be with her in like two weeks. They straight up you haul lesbianed that shit.

Twila is an incredible person, but eventually they realize that this was not right. That, however, is not a good enough reason to give up your security deposit. So they still live together. And she has she's at at first

worried that she's gonna have to sneak this book into her house because Twilight put a moratorium on on antiquing after the last time she brought home a cursed object. So if she brings home another cursed object, Twilight's gonna be really mad. But thankfully Twilight is not home. So she goes she takes him inside and she puts him up on a high shelf, uh, because she has this insane

muddy bulldog of a dog um named Melon. And she's like, if I if you're anywhere near Melon, she'll bite you or piss on you. That's I she's never done anything wrong in her life. She just loves to bite things and piss on things. I can't, she's my baby. Right? She's my baby. Anyway. Um she leaves the book on the shelf to go and take Melon out and to give the reader sort of a general sense of what her house is like right now, which is the house of a drowning teacher who can barely function.

She takes Melon out to the exact same three trees that she pisses on every single time. God bless. Um, and when she returns, She comes back to the kitchen to talk to the book and the book is not on the shelf where she left it. She's like, um, hello, and he's like, up here, look up. She looks up and he is fine. That S on his on his cover is glowing gold and it's apparently giving him the ability to fly. Why? Uh I don't know.

Because the the super S gives you the ability to fly. That's why I guess. Um so Sword! The S stands for superfly, according to him. Oh okay. Um, they chat about this new magical skill um and about anything else that he might remember, which again is not much. He now remembers that he went down to the basement looking for a group of students, and it was the students who did this to him. Nothing much else beyond that. He also remembers that his name was Richard.

Uh and then she starts laughing because Richard Dick Dictionary. Um we stand a pun queen, I guess, cause it just keeps going from there. Um she then agrees to help him sort of test some stuff about himself as a book. First thing he wants to know is if you open my pages, does my face come out or does it like stay on the cover? It stays on the cover, just like smooshed up against her leg while she's slipping through the pages.

Yeah, right. He was hoping that it would project out, but nah, no such luck. Then she starts flipping through the pages and he is the legitimate dictionary, exactly as you would expect. And she gets to the word adore. the definition and all that. And there is a little doodle next to the word adore that says Z B plus C H for Eva inside of a little heart. And those letters That Doodle is glowing gold the same way the Superman S did.

He kind of ruffles his pages like he like he can sense that there's something like oh, that feels like something. I I I I wanna try to do whatever it is. And she's like, Well there's a doodle here he's like, Fuck it, let's let it rip and she's I don't know about that, but it's too late. It starts glowing. super bright and then there is a very s like warm

kind of floaty, bubbly sensation. And she feels really warm and and he he's like, is something happening? And she's like, Yeah, something's happening all right. Something's fucking happening all right. And she shuts it. She shuts the book, the spell stops, and she's like, Okay, so maybe no more firing the horny ray.'Cause that's what that was apparently. It turns it turns your amorous intent up to a left. And we're starting to learn that the doodles in Richard are magic spells.

And each one he can activate does something else. The S makes him fly. The adore doodle apparently makes you horny. They then go through what else they have learned for the evening. He has a book who was once a man. Uh his face does not move from the cover. His pages have feeling and sensation. He's got a doodle inside of him that makes you horny. Um and he is still feeling the effects of that because he is also subject to those spells.

She then asks him if he wants to continue with these experiments. Yes, they end up deciding the next thing they're gonna try is kissing. What happens if she kisses him? And I bet I know. He agrees to that. And so she picks him up and she kisses him. And at first it's like kissing a boy band poster, you know. Um, we've all kissed a magazine, right? And uh and then there's a sort of sensation of giving away.

And then it kind of feels like she's making out with someone from behind a dental dam or saran wrap or something. He until he gets his tongue involved, he pushes his tongue like sort of through that barrier almost. There's a pop kind of sensation. And now he's just a man.

It's just now he's just she's just making out with a man. And they continue to do that. She's making out with a floating book right now. Yeah. Um until her dog bites her ankle. Like, bitch, you're making out with a floating book right now. Maybe you should stop that. And they separate and I she goes to bed. I think they eat dinner. Um, they wonder exactly how he eats at some point in this story and uh the answer is that she describes food to him and that kind of

fills his tummy and satisfies his taste buds. I don't know. I at one point they go to the bakery and she describes a cupcake to him and he really enjoys that. That's great. I love that for him.

Um, they then go to bed. They wake up the next morning. She takes him to work with her, uh, but not before covering up the horny spell, like with a post-it note. Like we're just not gonna risk that shit. I'm going to a school, can't risk that. She gets through morning drop off and um into her class where she immediately has to fend off this

rabid, animal loving fifth grader who has heard that another middle school class is getting their own spade foot and why can't we get our own spade foot too? And she uh has placed Richard On the desk, face down, trying to keep him a secret from these children, while she's fielding question after question after question.

uh uh none of her excuses are landing. This girl will get that fucking toad. This little girl wants a fucking class pet and she will get it until eventually Richard is like screw this and he floats. He just starts floating. Uh these are Ghost Light Falls children. So they're not gonna be put off by a floating book. They're all a little excited about it. And um eventually the the yarn that they spin is we're not getting a class spade foot because instead I got us a class helper.

This is mister Richard. He's way cooler than a toad, right? Yes, he is. And then mostly what they want to know is whether or not he has any games. I mean they're children of the twenty first century. They just want to know whether or not they can play subway surfers on mister Richard. I was gonna say, can we play games on you?

Seriously. Um, they then get on to the day in the teaching. Richard turns out to be an incredible helper. He's an excellent addition to the classroom. He's very good with the students. Um and he is very capable as a s as a teaching assistant all the way up until lunchtime when Shirley then shuffles all the children down to the cafeteria and then stops in the teacher's lounge to try and steal I w I think she was trying to steal creamer and K cups. Like just

Just broke sh broke broke behavior. You know, sh I just need some K cups and creamer if I can get it. But no, there are other teachers in there, so she has a brief conversation with.

the art teacher and a second grade teacher or something like that. When she finally gets back to her classroom, Richard is in there and he is surrounded by a group of boys. Apparently one of her students his brother and his brother didn't believe him, so then they had to come down and see for themselves and then they got a bunch of other kids involved and they all are like surrounding Richard.

And he seems to be in his element. He seems to be really good with directing the inquisitive energy of little boys, um, in particular, but students. He's a good. He's got that teacher energy. Yeah. Right. Eventually

Shirley gets them all to leave the classroom by saying, If you want to talk to Mr. Richard, you have to come to Homework Helpers, which happens after school. Get out of my classroom. At the end of the day, when homework helpers happens, it is the uh best attended homework helpers in the

time Shirley has been at this school. Most of most everybody came just to see the floating book guy. Um, but it does turn out he is an excellent teacher and a lot of the students really respect him. Uh for the way that he speaks to them and the way he guides them through learning as opposed to being Like meaning about it.

By the time that is done, Richard has not really remembered much more about his life from the past, but he now knows, you know what? I think I think my thing was math. I think I really enjoyed the numbers. I think my thing was math. And she was she's like, That's on you then. I Fifth grade is pretty much where I stop on math. Um If I don't have to teach it, I don't need to know it. Uh he she takes him back to her car, they drive excuse me, they drive home, but

Twila is there and she's like, I can't yet. I just can't with the talking book and my ex-girlfriend quite yet. So let's go get a burger and fries and go to um the she goes and parks in the woods behind um the Spadefoot Museum, just so they can like eat and chat in a private place. They decide that what they're gonna do is go and talk to Marge tomorrow. Once Richard is like Marge And Jirely was like, Yeah, nothing stops Marge from showing up to work, not even an actual coronary.

They then decide that she is going to leaf through his pages some more, look for other doodles. Cause if he's gonna be coming to the school, he really enjoys going to the school and being a teacher. They can't have an accidental fucking weird spell going off somewhere. Well no, no, wait, this is elementary school. I'm thinking of like high school. So never mind. Oh good. They're not horny, they're just angry and confused. Yeah, then we don't need to add

We don't need to add anything on to that at all. Because if you p if you put all those chemicals inside of that aged brain, I don't think they would get particularly horny. I think they would just like eat a couch or something. They just go feral. Ha ha

I totally forgot you ca you said fifth grade so many times. I did. Many times. Fifth graders and middle schoolers. Yeah. So she starts leafing through the pages looking for more spells. They found uh they find a doodle near the word capture that they decide not to fuck with. Obviously. And then when they get to the word Erect. there is a very intricate doodle of a very inadequ in inaccurately portrayed double dick situation.

Um love like lovingly detailed like somebody put a lot of time into what is not a human penis on this page. And she can't bring he he's like, What did you find? And she's like, I can't bring myself she can't bring herself to describe it, what she's seeing. She's like, Why don't you just activate it and she just like sets him on the seat like face

Like just activate it if you want to know what it is. And he tries and he has a difficult time with it. And then eventually he's like, Shirley, will you please will you please close my cover? I think you need to close my cover and when she closes the cover, those two dicks pop right out the front of him. Oh yeah. Uh so it's a double dick situation. The longer, thinner one is on the bottom, the shorter, thicker one is on top. They are made out of parchment, it looks like pages.

And they are detailed with words. So the veins are like smudged words and like all the shadows are like smudged ink. And when any liquid comes out of them, it is ink. But I thought this was kinda cool. When it when it drips down, it doesn't like drip off. It's sort of an it's almost like an animated thing. Like a like a really cool style of comic book animation or something. I can't I thought it was great.

Elsie, I loved it. Carl's making a face like he did not love it. It's it's I loved it. Okay. Think It's a bit body horror, Jason. It is it is a bit body horror adjacent, but think of into the spider verse, if it were porn and there was like really cool texture elements happening, that's what's happening right now. I understand. I know, I know. I'm just going off'cause I think it's I think it's neat. I love it. I love it to death. So

He has two of these again stacked on top of each other vertically, and we gotta we gotta test, right? We gotta test and see if they're functional, right? Like they can they feel stuff? If I touch it like this, does it oh yeah, yeah, obviously. Uh so she asks if she can Experiment with th figure out exactly what is going on with these dicks. She just wants to know what's happening, right? Um and they gotta know more for like horny.

She's a she asks him, she gets his permission, full consent. Um, she puts her front seat back and like lays him flat and then straddles over the book. And she thinks that he's gonna get like right to r the main event. She strips off in that awkward way that you have to strip off in a Nissan or whatever. And um she thinks he's gonna get right to the main event, but no, he eats her out with his ribbon. Which was crazy, dude.

Yeah. He has the ability to sort of like bend it and like fold it over itself like you're like a really intricate clover tongue situation and use that as a sort of different texture and a different thickness. Man, was it creative? Super duper loved it. He's also really into uh the idea of enjoying yourself and taking your time. So every time she gets too close, he stops.

And she's like, What the fuck, man? He's like, You deserve to enjoy and savor this. Come on, man. Let's savor this. Come on, you and me savoring it. Um, and eventually she ends up uh riding him. Just the bottom dick and the top dick is like rubbing on her clit and he's using his ribbon and it's fantastic and again uh edging and edging and edging until eventually she breaks and she begs and uh that's the end of that. They come happy, screaming.

good times. Um as he's as he is fucking her, his he's like flapping his top uh cover to move and so it's like smacking her in the butt every time. That's so fucking funny. I loved that. That was hilarious. It was so good. Just the idea of a book fucking you with just by flapping its top cover. It's so funny. The mind real. It's great. It's so good. Um so when they're finished with all that, she does actually have to add.

And he's like, yeah, because there's like a big ink stain on him. Also fantastic. Love that.

They eventually clean themselves up and they head home. They can't avoid Twyla forever, but they have now determined that they can doodle more stuff in him. And um so she i by the word man doodles a little stick man. And when they go in to the house and Twilo sees this floating book and she's like What did I tell you about

Cursed objects. Come on. Shirley's like, he's not a cursed object. Look, and he grows limbs, but he is a fucking stick man with a book for a head. And that is the scariest shit I have ever heard in my entire life. I fucked him too. I for real. For real.'Cause right now all he is is a stick man with a book for a head, which means that if the dicks come out, they're coming out of his face. That is so weird. I love it. It's so funny.

But Twila is very chill. She's like, Oh, you're not a cursed book, you're a man and you just happen to be okay, nice to meet you. I think she does the whole ex girlfriend threat, like hurt her and I'll burn you in your book kind of. Um, but she was remarkably chill through all of this and I would have been lighting him on fire. Yeah. I was going to say... Dickman, no thanks. Mm-hmm.

That's beyond my bounds. The next morning at school, she has to duck Mike, who is apparently very anxious to get the book back down into. He is pushy about it. And she makes up a bunch of reasons why she can't do it. And eventually she agrees to do it after school. And then he's still pushing this idea of going to Ratcliffe's after that. He really wants to have this. Like I don't maybe. She you need to give a harder no.

Okay, Shirley, listen to me. You need to give this man the hardest no you can. Okay?'Cause right now you're giving soft maybes to be nice. That's not how this is gonna work. Hard news. Anyway. They eventually get around Mike. They go into the main office to talk to Marge. And Marge is very displeased that Mr. Diction, yeah, his name is Richard Diction, Dick Diction, the dictionary. I was gonna say I hope it's like Chenary.

Um uh is very, very late. He has he has not shown up for work in thirty years. I mean, and she's like you never even picked up your last paycheck. you y you didn't call out sick, nothing. And he's like, Marge, I was transformed into a magic tome here and she's like could have at least figured out how to put in your two weeks notice because again Marge has a very different acceptable standards for why you don't show up to work. Mm-hmm.

Mr. Diction should have showed up on Monday as a book, as far as she is concerned. So she gives him his last paycheck and They also go into Principal Bailey's office to get into the uh yearbook archives to get out the yearbook from the year that Mr. Adiction disappeared, which was I think.

They then have to go to get to class because classes are starting, but they will look through that yearbook together later and try and figure out which students it is that Mr. Diction remembers being the ones who cursed him. In the classroom everything goes great in the morning. Obviously the kids super love Mr. Diction or well, Mr. Rich is what they call. They get through the morning and then eventually it is art day. So Cammy, the art teacher, wheels in her big art supply cart thing.

what they want to do with this yearbook. Before they leave though, Shirley asks Cammy if she would please uh take her artistic skills to draw something. For her in Richard. And Cammy's like, yeah, absolutely. Why don't we go get drinks after work at Kyle's and I'll draw whatever you want. Absolutely. They go to the uh to the car again to as just their private place to look.

Yearbook and they flipped through all of the clubs that Richard was involved in. And the first But the second one, the A V Club. They see a picture of Richard between a young principal Zachary Bailey and a young Janitor Mike Fleming. Although in the picture, uh he is labeled as Matt Fleming, not Mike Fleming. Um and that shouldn't be possible because Mike is her age. Mike is Shirley's age.

And principal Bailey is a solid ten years older than that, and Mike was o or um and Richard is obviously a full grown adult beyond them. So none of like none of these ages and things are really matching up correctly. But they do know one thing for sure, and that is that Richard recognizes the face of the student who cursed him. It is Mike the creepy janitor. Um, they make a plan, and the first step of that plan is to get Richard out of Shirley's possession as soon as.

So she takes him to Cammy and says, Hey, hold on to my book until I can meet you at Kyle's later. And then I'm everything will be. Um, she then gets through the rest of the school day and waits for Mike to come to her classroom because she has promised him that they will be taking the book downstairs today. For whatever reason, even though she's not carrying the book, he still takes her down into the basement. I think she just sweet talks her her way into

getting down there again. And while she knows in her heart of hearts that she should not let this person take her to a secondary location, she is after information and she is going to get that information in the form of a couple of monologues from Mike. Because of course once you get him talking, he can't fuck And he basically tells her that he and his coven were down here in the nineties working on some complicated spell. They were calling

calling up like scholarships and perfect grades and job offers. They were just trying to make their lives better. and Richard just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time by walking into the basement while they were in the middle of this spell. Mike tried to warn Richard, but by breaking the spell Something, the spell backfired and blew apart. And when he regained consciousness, Mike found that he had regressed ten years in age and the only other person around was Zachary Bates.

They didn't know what happened to Richard until about the time the talking magic book showed up at the school, right? And then they realized what was happening. then spent the next however long trying to fucking survive because he was suddenly in like a seven year old's body and he couldn't go to school, he couldn't go to college, he couldn't find a job. I don't actually know how he This just unli uh

Yeah. Honestly, I don't care. I I fucking love it. I think it's great because you know what this is? This is the plot to sky high. Exactly. Yeah. And I fucking love it. It's amazing. Uh so Not overthinking the fuck book. Don't overthink the fuck book. Never overthink the fuck book. So she gets him to tell her all of this. Eventually

He says that all they need to do is get Richard back into the basement to cover all of this back up again, right? This is all just they need to cover it all back up again as Principal Bailey wants. Zach Bailey is kind of in charge of all of this now. I still don't understand why. I think it's just because he's shitty. Yeah. I think it's just because a white man in a suit has to be the best. And it's Zach Bailey. And um he shows up on the scene.

shortly after that. Shirley refuses to participate, refuses to go get Richard, refuses to bring him to the basement. And Zach is suddenly like walking out of the shadows, like I'm very that's very unfortunate to hear, Shirley, or whatever. And he threatens her and she's yelling and she's like

Richard wasn't the only teacher who went missing that year. What is what are you doing? What is up? What's happening? And Bailey says, I know you're more of a visual learner, so why don't I just show you instead of tell you? And he goes to grab

But before anything bad can possibly happen, there's Deus ex art teacher because Cammy is now down the stairs. Um, I don't know where she came from or why she concluded she needed to come to the basement right now, but we thank her for it because she's carrying Richard. with her. She shouts into the room like, Zachary, stop it. Apparently she's been friends with mister Bailey and Mike for since they were all in high school together. That gets everybody to pause.

long enough for Richard to activate the spell that is his new body, because Cammy has drawn him into an actual book boyfriend, har har he is hunky, he's cut, he looks again like he's made out of paper, and all of his like uh dimensions are filled out with smudgy words. It's very cool. I love the character design of this. And all he does is reach out and open hand slap Zachary in the face so hard that he passes out. Like that's just all there was to it. He was like and that was the end of that.

Then that Cammy And Shirley, please leave the basement because he would like to activate the capture doodle. He doesn't know exactly what's gonna happen though, so he would prefer if they were not in the room. And it turns out that it's just a big fucking cage and they're now enclosed in that cage.

and they will figure out what to do with them next. That will involve getting Marge to come on down here because who else is gonna take care of this except for Marge, right? Right. She is holding this school up by the foundation.

Anyway, that's the end of that. Shirley calls a rain check on going to get drinks with Cammy,'cause yes, she did promise her drinks in exchange for drawing Richard, but you know, a lot has happened this evening and now I need to go and find it. She and Richard then leave the school and they go to fuck about it in the sky. Um because Yes, please tell me why.

So now that Richard has a body, he can hold on to her. So when he activates the Super S, he can fly her around like Lois Lane and Superman, you know? Oh yeah. Um I am vaguely unclear as to Whether or not the book itself is larger now because it

Some of the description made it seem like when they activate this spell, his whole torso becomes the book or something. And then his I don't know. Either way, while they are flying, he's talking to her and the way She is like grabbed, grappled up against him all four limbs, just trying not to die, has him like rumbling in her nether parts in ways that are very pleasant. They land very briefly on somebody's roof.

Who? I don't know. Uh but she leaves she leaves her panties and tights there,'cause it's better to fly unfettered, I guess. So congratulations to whoever's fucking roof that way. Yeah, you think you hate it when somebody turns around in your driveway? Seriously. When they land on your roof. And then Spock and then. Fuck and then leave. And then leave their dirty dungarees.

So they weren't fucking. They just took off the underwear and then left to go do the fucking somewhere else. But they eventually do get to the fucking. So first he eats her out again with his ribbon. Uh and then uh there is a double penetration scene. The uh smaller dick goes in the back end. We appreciate that very much. Thank you. Um and they're like floating above the city as this is happening. They're like way up in the air.

And I wanna say that the last line in the chapter is that Ghost Light Falls is even more beautiful when you're full of cock. I really wanna think I say I I think that is, and that's fucking hilarious. Elsie, I love you. That that is the end of Ghost Light Falls. Book number whatever. Defined and defiled. There is a short, short epilogue. But in that epilogue, all that happens is that while they are sorting through the basement, finding more stuff to take upstairs.

they find a student who has also been missing this whole time in another box. Who w how what is she in that box? Uh w who anything about it? I don't know. That's just a little clip. And that was defined and defiled. Thank you. I'm still trying to figure out why nobody helped a seven year old that just suddenly appeared. Ghost Light Falls. That was my question too. Because That that that is the th the biggest mystery. That is the BBC

Sad British crime procedural story that you tell in Ghost Light Falls. You get David Tennant and Olivia Coleman. Oh my god. Yeah. Ha ha. And it's it's just a little bit. Yeah. Wait. The poster it's just where is Mike? And at the bottom it's like it's it it's just it's At the time it was Matt. Matt. Where is Mr. And then it's like a beach and it's just David and David and Olivia. Yeah. Absolutely. I would watch that. I would. Everything else is the wacky fun, you know, paper dicks and

Paper dicks and ink and inky cum. Yeah. And and there and then there's just this. Nobody wants to know where a seventeen year old so not only did it burn Brooding Brits on the beach. Seriously. I don't know. Ten year old appeared. That's what it sounded like. And then two British people showed up and were sad. I am not poking holes in your store. No.

Truly I am not. Because again, this is the plot of Sky High. Yes. And if I bought it then, I buy it now. And it's not just because that character was played by Mary Louise Louise Vinstead. Again, we're not uh I you assume you mean Mary Elizabeth Winston? That one. Mary Louise Park. Mary Louise Parker, Mary Elizabeth Winston, all you motherfuckers named Mary. Damn you the Catholic Church. We are not poking holes. Never mind. This is just a mystery that will never be solved.

And I d I don't need to know the answer. I really don't. I just It's okay. Sometimes it's it's fun to not know. I'm kind of into it. Yay!

Okay. You're asking what I'm into? Yeah. All right. Uh I have to look up the name of the name. Ugh you had all day. All day. This is kind of weird. But it's the thing that has been bringing me the l the most joy over the last couple of days. So it's what I'm into. I'm into these storytelling concept videos that I have found called Minecraft Args ARGs. They're these are not ARGs. In no way are they ARGs because an ARG is an augmented reality game, right? A a game that you play

with and by like through a computer. That's not with the What these are are metaphysical horror short stories, short films that use Minecraft as their animation layer and their like context layer.

Right. You already know Minecraft. You already know the world of Minecraft. You already know how it works. So when I introduce concepts like the American Department of Metaphysical Science and say that something weird is happening inside of Minecraft and we're not sure if it's because there's something living in there in a sort of eldritch horror way or if it's because the government is conducting secret experiments to break the human psyche.

or if it's because a little boy is secretly secretly using his thirty minutes a day of Minecraft time to tell you that he has been kidnapped and is living in a basement. These things are wild. They're wild. And I honestly don't really remember how I got to them. But what makes me love them is that they are a representation of Of the undying human need to tell stories.

They are another branch on the human storytelling tree. I love them so much. They're very obviously fictional, but they are presented like found footage, like documentaries. There is a voiceover that's telling you what's happening. And again, they're the they're all fictional. They're very SCP style, like creepypasta meta horror, the horror of the internet, right? But they're great. They're great because they're f this fantastic Representation of Human storytelling. I just I can't I

I love'em. So the the two that I watch the w the most uh are the YouTube channel Weefees. Uh it's spelled Wife's, W-I-F-I-E-S, but it's pronounced Weafe's. And then the other one is um Zachobill. And Zacko Builds did the first one I ever saw that was so good. It's what made me fall down this rabbit hole to begin with. Um Yeah. And that is what I am into. These crazy little bite-sized metaphysical horror stories on YouTube. What are you into, my love?

There are few things that have been in my life and have brought me joy for as long as We've been together for seventeen years now. Yes. Um, but one of those things uh has been around almost as long as you have in general, and that is mystery science theater. Hell yeah. You've got to Mm. When we started dating Yeah. I don't remember when I introduced it to you uh or it I don't I don't I don't know that I I introduced it to you but you did. Okay. You did. Probably through them their internet.

Uh, but we probably watched them on YouTube on a computer at some point. And through your box set'cause you used we used to have to watch them yeah on D V D. That's true. It's a show that's was on comedy the Comedy Channel, Comedy Network, the Sci Fi Channel, back when that was still around. It started in the late eighties, created by Joel Hodgson. It it morphed into this wonderful unique thing, if you don't know what it is.

I will link to it, but it's b the premise was they watch terrible movies and then one human and two robots would make fun of'em. And there's no way to explain to you how virtually all comedy that you know I mean i i that you could almost demarcate like pre and post mystery science theater. Like it is that influential. It has touched so many lives um and in in created this comedy network.

Um, and it's such a simple premise. And I fell in love with when I was a teenager and it's uh it's all that the at the end of the every episode, you know, they say keep circulating the tapes because people used to tape'em and trade'em. And now they're on YouTube all the time. There's literally a mystery science theater channel that is nonstop running over two hundred episodes. They rebooted it in the in like twenty seventeen, twenty eighteen with Jonah Ray. Mm-hmm.

Uh they ran a fab a fabulous Kickstarter that raised a ton of money. Yeah, multiple Kickstarters, yes. They're I can't believe more than anything, I'm really happy that this this idea is still like printing money for those people. Oh yeah. For all of everybody who's involved. Because Joel is still an executive producer on the show and Uh everybody who has ever been involved, I think they try to keep them involved as much as they can if they wanna be. You know? Oh yeah. It's wonderful.

For the for the Netflix version, they brought back Mary Joe Peel, Bill Corbett, uh Kevin O' uh Kevin Mallon. Yeah. Or not uh not Kevin Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett, and Mary Joe Peel. Yeah, and then of course that birthed Cinematic Titanic and Rift Tracks because uh some of the crew went off. I think Frank Coniff and Mary Joe Peel and Trace Beaulieu did Cinematic Titanic. I could go on and on, but uh this past weekend they posted a it's like a nine hour

Um, it's some of their greatest hits, some of the best episodes. Uh, so I'm gonna link that. You obviously don't have to watch all nine, but if you were to pick out any one of the episodes uh on that uh collection, uh you will not be disappointed. I don't know if I I can't remember if Final Sacrifice is in there, but uh Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, Mitchell, Hobgoblins Manos the hands of fate.

There I love Mystery Science Theater 3000. It's it's a little it's a little difficult to watch sometimes because you can tell That they've been recording it since before certain things were okay to joke. Oh yeah. No longer okay to joke about. Yeah. And so sometimes you'll be watching something and going, Oh God.

No, like Puma Man. I fucking love the Puma Man. Yeah. It's one of the best episodes. It's so funny. But Any joke they make that is about the woman in Boom Man is just that she's dumb and pretty. Those aren't jokes, guys. Yep. That's a th that that is thirty years ago. Yeah. What is she wearing right now? That's a joke. Look at look at what they're all wearing. What are they? Bale carri like something about like uh.

How did she get her hair to look like that? That's a joke. That's a question worth asking. How'd she get her hair to look like that? But I'm stupid, and pretty is not No. So yeah, some of th there are a lot of jokes about uh uh especi uh future war, you know, the the the the two heavy set guys, a lot of jokes uh a lot of jokes about weight and that sort of thing. So th some of the older episodes do not stand up. um in in that regard. But that I think that is so minuscule.

Uh it is. It's not like I'm gonna stop watching the Puma Man. Hundred percent no. It just it just uh the new the new versions do not have that as much because they are written through a more contemporary Yeah. Well I mean if if nothing else, the jokes are written by a more um diverse group of comedians. Hundred percent. Uh I mean it used to be just three white guys. Yeah. Occasionally marry Joe Peel. Yes. And now it's not just three white guys. No.

And again, I could go on and on and on, but we got to put this uh baby to bed. So what do we have uh wrapping up? Do you know what we're wrapping up in Ghost Light Fall? Okay. So next week I am reading Bread by the Grim. Uh Which is Dakota Cockaday's story and it is about Gremlin. Yeah. As in he gets weird after midnight. Oh boy. That one also comes with its own supplementary short story that doesn't have any spice in it and is apparently about the uh animals.

Sounds fun. I'll be reading both of those. And as a a a child who uh somebody who grew up loving gremlins as a child, I can't wait to have my uh childhood uh reconfigured But in the meantime, you can find us on social media. We are on Instagram, Threads, Blue Sky, TikTok. All of the links are in the link tree, which is down in the show notes. Uh if you'd like to communicate with us via email, please do so, Cheap Smut Pod.

at gmail.com. As always, the there is a link to this book in the show notes. It is not an affiliate link. We never get any money for this. Uh we're just trying to help the authors out. If you would like to support us financially, uh you can do so on Kofi, which is down in the show notes. Real quick shout out. One of our our first Patreon. patron of all time recently donated. I believe I'm pretty sure it was Rebecca Caplace.

Uh we Rebecca K, we just want to shout you out. We we know that you are one of our longest tenured and most quiet and socially. Averse. Uh as far as I know, uh listeners, uh we know that you are rather uh somewhat proximal to We we know that. Um but we know nothing about you, but we just want to say that we always know who you are and we know

You've been there since the beginning. So just a quick shout out to Rebecca K. Um if you want to join Rebecca K uh in supporting the show financially on Kofi right now and you did not do so before on Patreon, any donation. uh will get you access to some of uh the nine Patreon bonus episodes uh that are still out there that we we never want to show we never wanna put out on the mainline.

But if you want to access them, they are there for you. The music that you hear in this and every episode is called Storytime by me, Max Joy. Listener, remember, if there is a book in you, write it, and if there's fucking in it, I'll read it. And then she'll come on this show and explain it to me for your entertainment. I'm gonna go sit on the couch.