The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is Chayo with you in jewel. We started very good afternoon, very good beginning of March, a month that, because it will be short, although it is a month of thirty- one days. But at the end of the month we will have the Easter holidays, and that does not make the month
complete with its usual duration. And well, let' s go in full today with material says Chayo. My message is for my east what can be done. I have three children, two women and a man. The middle wife has two sons of 16 and 13 years old. He' s separated from the kids' dad and now he' s living in another relationship. Seven years ago. At that time they have separated several times and will give to my eldest daughter' s house. She was inherited from Granny' s
house. So, every time they fight, he' s going to ask for shelter and in a matter of days, he' s back with him, but he also puts him in the house the penultimate time for not paying for the services. They left after a year of living there. Starting the year, they fought again and went again to ask for inn with their children. My eldest daughter told him how she wanted things to be so that they
were in harmony. But in a matter of days, he started texting his partner, calling him on the phone and ended up seeing him, because a few days ago I stopped by his house and it turns out that they were eating and his partner was there. I didn' t want to comment to my older daughter, but today she told me that she had a fight with her sister, the boys' mom, because three days that week, her partner spent it in the house and today told her she doesn' t want
it there. Then he started taking it out on his kids. She' s treated them very badly, always rude blows telling them they' re dumb idiots. He spends the whole day watching TV and puts them to do the job. At the end of the week, he put his daughter to laundry for ten hours. Besides, he tells them that' s why he had children to do everything to him. My oldest daughter steps in and tells her
that' s why they don' t respect her. Today she recorded some videos of how she' s taking it out on her kids because she told her she didn' t want to be at home anymore. To her partner, my eldest daughter, she told and showed the videos to her half- sister on behalf of her dad and advised her to stay with them legally, to present those videos and that the law will force her to give her child
support. I really don' t know what to do. Actually, my daughter, the kids' mom, is a very conflictive person and if I try to talk to her, she' s gonna end up in trouble. Orient me. Please. Oh, good. As you will see, we are starting to heat up the themes of Women' s Day on March 8, because how complex it becomes to be able to generate situations where there is
violence and abuse. And one of the things I want to comment on here today, given your email, is how violence spreads, as well as we spread many other things, like we spread anxiety, how we can spread harmony, how we can spread a nice parent environment where we can function well. Violence also spreads what. It' s clear to me that your daughter' s in the middle of it, the mom of the kids you' re
texting me about. She' s a complicated woman. You tell me it ' s the one in the middle and that inevitably leads me to generate the hypothesis of how you' ve lived throughout your life as a daughter in the midst of two brothers where there' s probably or was a topic and I ' m not saying this to cause you guilt, but to be careful. Everyone who hears me about what happens when there' s a sandwich son and what I' m driving and how suddenly we can be unintentionally comparing with the
other brothers. And in this case, when there are three, that is the little one, he becomes the little one or the little one does not, and then it is the one that generates the attraction in the house and the big one or the big one. Well, that' s where we ' ve put a lot of attention, because we' re very demanding and we want to be very careful two of the way And with the middle, it' s not the little one, because there' s already a third one isn' t the big one. But to some extent she can get
caught. And I speak in feminine for your daughter in a complicated situation where she doesn' t know what role she played or where she was. And sometimes there' s a lot of accumulated anger. One of the things he maintains or can maintain is not the case for everyone. I make it clear to a person in a violent conflictal relationship is that, just as conflict is intense, reconciliation is intense and they do not know how to live in an
intermediate temporality. I think without a doubt, the sister doesn' t have to receive it anymore if she doesn' t respect it, but she can offer it as she is willing, to remove them, even legally, to stay with the kids and tell her leave the kids here in what you arrange the issues with your partner. But your partner can' t come in here
because we don' t all live together. And it has to be said clearly, specifically, directly, as a limit is set, but without the criticism and the claim of how it is possible for you to endure and look at how, because to the extent that you feel criticized you will not listen, you are going to put yourself on the defensive. And that happens to all of us even though we believe the other person is right. If he attacks us, if he criticizes us, we' re not going to work.
So I tried it out there to see what he can do, what he can do. And and you give your children a lot of affection, in your case, to your grandchildren, she to her nephews, and make it clear to her that they are not to blame for what happens and that adults don' t always do things right so that they feel backed up. And good. Before I send you to the music court, I want to remind you what tomorrow is the croqueton for the Franciscan shelter. Saturday, March
2, from nine to six in the afternoon in the Deer Park. The Deer Park is on Avenida División del Norte, where is the statue of Pancho Villa. There in the park they won' t meet Support. Let' s make this croqueton a human chain for help for the Franciscan shelter that takes care of all these pets that no one is taking good care of the annoying evening, because I need you to listen to me and advise me. Please, I have a ten- year- old daughter. Lately, he usually
reacts with a lot of anger and defiance. He doesn' t follow directions and I get a lot of complaints at school. Your dad and I are in trouble. I think we' re affecting him a lot. I want to go to therapy with her, but she doesn' t want to. She doesn' t have much communication with her dad, so many things I see her and all the time she' s holding her hands, pinching her fingers, feeling anxious and all the indications. He debates me and he talks
and he talks and he talks so he doesn' t do things. Evade what she does and say the teacher never accepts what she does. Even if I see her, she denies things. Could you please tell me what I can do to take ur with my problem. This is one of those many emails where I tell you whenever in the problem, in the writing of the problem comes the explanation. Of course she' s reacting to the problems you
have with your husband, her dad. What there is, this description you do in your hands, is anxiety to everything you give and nothing would help, even if she accepted it, go to therapy if the cause of this anxiety, what is happening in the house, doesn' t change and sometimes I get a lot of attention how they want to change the problem that a child gives when they' re not changing situations is that they' re living
and that they' re being the cause of the problem. Your daughter' s problem will surely be completely diluted once things are calm, once you determine and define what' s going on with her relationship and learn to handle her conflicts and differences in a way that doesn' t splash this girl, because what you want her to do for you, to accept her mistakes, not to pray to you, to be obedient, to make life easier for you, when life to her is getting very complicated. She' s in the
formative process. She' s a girl, she' s a girl and the boys respond to the environment in which they' re developing here. The point isn' t what you' re doing with her. The subject is how resor is. You two let it go in such a way that this girl lives in a quiet environment, because she is a symptom of your problems. It' s not the problem and I know that maybe right now, given the things you have in the couple relationship, you' d want her,
please, not to be another cause of trouble. The point here is that parents have an obligation to give kids a healthy conflict- free environment so they can work. And this girl is not able to function as a result of this. So I understand that you' re willing to go to therapy? I don' t know if your partner, but if you' re willing to go to therapy with her and she doesn' t want to, you go, you go so you can clarify how they solve things on the
ground. And good at the outset, because the school puts the consequences that it has to put in front of the inappropriate behaviors that it does, because we can' t let her do what she wants to do then either. Live as you like and there' s nothing going on here. He doesn ' t have to live it, but he' s going to hold on to the problem and he' s only going to increase his anxiety if, on the basis of the things that are happening, they can' t be
calmed down. The couple relationship is very important, it is a basis for the functioning of the children. Then she is clearly responding to what is happening in your home and in the homes of many of those who are hearing me and believe that the problem is their children. When there' s a cause so clearly detected, taritarm once again asks again is that with couples everything is a question. Yeah, actually, yeah, all the issues I think about,
I say this is quite a question. How much you lie in couples, how much we lie to the couple. That' s a very good question. No. There have been several investigations where people say I am very clear or honest and I am not lying. No, and it has been seen that when you do these investigations, you have a tendency to lie during the day. But you don' t realize it at all. Not there are the social lies, there are the lies of discomfort, etcetera. Etcetera.
And then it is also divided into who mind more like why not. And women have a tendency to lie to take care of each other. Indeed, and man tends to lie yes in his performance, in his performance, that is in that little place, in that little private place, rich or rich, but it is also in what he does, in his achievements, in his work. That' s a trend, performance on one side and an environment for her as a woman now, regardless of what we lied during
and what we thought was not. Another thing is a clear lie that I ' m going to do this, because I don' t want to be responsible. But there is also one question that I do not know if it necessarily falls within the category of lying. Ah By the way, speaking of infidelity, let' s see you lie or mess up and fake protally, but that we leave at a certain point. Another issue is what happens to us where it really costs us to say what we think, we enter and
want into a relationship. OK, yeah, it' s me I sold you an idea of me That' s another subject in the courtship, too, and I made up a story for you about me. But part of being a couple pushes us to discover ourselves, also through the look of our partner. How complex I am telling you is not that you see that the other feels that finally, also our partner sees more of us than sometimes than the ones we want to see from ourselves. But there' s one that
makes me very interesting. I don' t dare tell you this is an example. I don' t dare tell you that I don' t want you to accompany me to this meeting or this party, not because I don ' t want you to be, but I want to be able to enjoy it in another way. Yeah, where I don' t want to go there as your wife or husband if I don' t want to hear as a friend, partner, etcetera. About what we were. Yeah, they
' re the ones that sound pretty complicated. No, but I don' t want to have to be looking after you or being aware of taking care of certain things, because I want to go relaxed to pass the father unhesitatingly that I am your partner and not be seeing if I already left you too much time alone alone and because I am friends with all those who are there,
and then I want unconcernedly to have total fun. Not entirely. And another thing is this is going to be a memory, this is going to be going back five years ago, back to ten years ago, et cetera. And there are things that might, also today our little group, want to stay in a small group. No, then, I mean, I also want to experience, experience, yes, that, that in a way where you' re not, because, yes, we' re different. When a couple is with us, of course, there it is not in
an orbit around us and it is very valid. But I don' t dare tell you. I don' t want you to, I don' t want to invite you and then I' m between you saying no and I don' t explain and I give you and well, yes, but no, but it would be better then I don' t know, well I want you to be angry that I want you to get angry and that comes from. I know you might not like it, but it has nothing ' s where the clarity comes from, but that' s where compassion also
to do with you, it has to do with me. Right now I want to be the cuate de mi cuate. No doubt nothing else and we ' re going to talk a certain way and we' re going to remember things where yes, you' re necessarily excluded, but that doesn' t mean that you' re excluded in my heart and in my head, you ' re specifically excluded at that moment from where my life is. That' s right. Thank you, Tari Thank you very much. I' ll see you on Friday, and we' re still here in more detail.
Me with you in Chayo, with you the most important thing is you. How I can handle the times, or how I can handle the situation that my eleven- year- old has access to video games, that is, he gets angry if I limit him, or he gets angry if I tell him that no longer daily in your free time, all the time he wants to use it and it doesn' t seem right to me. How can I do it, how can I handle it, because he' s angry
and then he' s mad at me. That' s why I' m making you look like you' re not into video games, because, without a doubt, the subject of video games is something that has to be limited. What happens why he gets into that state of anger when video games are taken away from him. Well, the first thing we have to understand is that video games are generating an over- stimulation at the neurological level that
generates adrenaline and torphins. Nothing is going to make that more attractive than another video game, in another video another situation that they want to make stimulate the brain that way. That' s why they end up replacing all activity with video games. One would think good, because if you' re doing different types of video games on your cell phone, what' s the problem,
because you' re not always at best in the same video game. The problem here is that it damages the functioning of the brain in terms of not generating an injury as such, but it does distort in your children the perception of what is entertaining, enjoyable, pleasant, because the brain gets used to having those levels of substance production to feel good. And then any other activity is going to be boring, unappealing, even if the activity itself has its
own level of pleasure. That' s why it' s so important that they are normally limited to breaking the bad habit in which addiction has already been generated by the kids is all one and in that process it' s important to know that we have to tolerate to some extent the level of anger that is causing them, not at the time we take the video game away, but we do talk at another time and be able to explain it, even if you disagree and I understand that that makes you angry at the correct use
of the video game. It' s gonna be just like that. If you want to get mad at me, if you want to stay away from me, it' s not going to be a reason for me to lend you the video game, then if you' re not able to self- control and access the moment I tell you the time is up, because we ' re going to have to help by warning, because they get so full - time into the video game that they forget even their willingness to stop or obey. We have to take action, because substances are being generated in the
brain. Then we have to be very clear about it, not about it at a time when the video game is involved, because then it generates more anger. But since we explained it, we make it perfectly clear that we know that you don' t find what' s wrong with him, that ' s you as my son, but that' s something we have to diversify in terms of his activities and his amusements, and that' s very important to establish, since you' ve broken the bad habit well and he ' s made it clear that' s what he has. He' s
gonna start finding fun for other things. It' s something we all have to do. They' re an extraordinary nanny. They' re not going to give us a can, they' re not going to give us a
problem and they' re going into video games. The point is that he ' s going through his brain and how that' s going to distort his perception in life of what' s fun and entertaining and he' s always going to want to be in things that are exciting or otherwise, he' s not going to be okay and that' s going to impact his school, his working life, his partner relationships, the friendships they relate to.
So yes, it matters, but it also matters that you tolerate her anger a little bit, putting consequences if she is rude when she gets angry, but she tolerates her anger a little bit in what she does. The new habit alone is going to settle. You can finally share your case with Chayo ' s whatsapp with you and leave your voice message no longer than a minute. The number WAT is fifty- five, thirty- seven, twenty- four, seven, seven, twenty- seven. Remember the message. Must
be anonymous Hi, Chayo. I' m twenty- five years old. I am in the ninth year of the University, ninth year or ninth semester, and it has really taken me a long time to get to where I am mainly on two issues. The first is that I don' t like the race. And the second is that I find it extremely difficult to live together when I have to talk to people to make work teams or for things
as simple as asking for the time I panic. At first, the attacks occurred every several months, but lately they begin to give me the attacks almost every day, which are the days I have to go to school. The attacks are so strong I have to run to the school toilets to cry. Attacks begin with shortness of breath. Then I feel a knot forming in my throat to the point that I feel like I' m drowning and my hands are paralyzing. This is starting to be exhausting, as I feel like I
can' t relate to anyone. It makes me feel lonely when the worst thing happens is when I' m in college, once I even stopped attending a class because it took a lot of teamwork. I feel like I' m a sack full of trouble. What should I do? I can change. Yes, of course you can change, of course, but there are two. There are two things here, one that has to do with a change of attitude from you, but the other is that panic attacks are a
disease. Whenever things happen to us with respect to anxiety and particularly to extreme anxiety like the one you' re living, we think that we should control it and that how we might not be able to control it and so on, and the reality is that panic attacks do occur because of a number of
psychological issues. But without a doubt they are related to the fact that the person has a chemical imbalance at the level of neurons in the brain, which are the cells like we have all over the body, but in the brain they are called neurons and what they do is that, when they debalance, they produce these symptoms. I mean, you. You don' t make up the lack of air, you don' t make up that your hands are paralyzed, you don' t make up that you feel like you'
re drowning. It happens and this requires medical attention. What a specialist the psychiatrist sees. Nothing more than we have a lot of taboos about everything that has to do with the psychiatrist. But it is the psychiatrist who has to see it and given the situation of frustration that you come living, the work that has cost you the University, the how you are dealing with a career that you don' t like, that I would have my doubts whether you
like the career or not. Or what happens is that you don' t like everything that' s associated with her, because you' re having a hard time. Then it is very important to understand this and to be able to understand that medical care is needed. Go to a psychiatrist and explain what ' s happening to you. When they were going on a lot of time, you thought nothing was going on. But the reality is that when we don' t get a symptom, the symptom gets worse, and things get
where they are today. So you' re looking for medical care with a psychiatrist who' s the specialist in this. And for those who still feel that going to the psychiatrist is crazy or crazy. It' s a physiological illness in what happens in your head and, therefore, you' ve been associating it with certain situations and it breaks out in those moments. But we have to work it out. Hello, Doctor, I need your help. I summed up I' m a twenty- six- year- old transsexual
woman. Ever since I was twelve, I realized I' ve been attracted to men ever since a little friend in high school convinced me to dress up and be a woman. From there I liked to show my legs and did the feminization treatment. When I was 15 years old, I had surgery. I lived very happy next to the man who made love to me for the first time. I was his wife for several years and I really liked that he possessed me by submitting to me, as well as that he had taught
me to dress very provocative. However, he died and later I met a biological woman and we became very good friends. But now I dream her a lot and I would like to be with her, but I, as a man, am afraid to think like this because I am already physically a woman and when I am not with her, I enjoy dressing and behaving like a woman. But I see her even in the soup I' ve come to think that if I were a man, I' d like everything with her.
What am I doing, please, Mira? I think the fact that you' ve lived, you' ve been born a man and today you ' re a woman by choice, you' re confusing it with the fact that you have a bisexual sexual orientation, that is, today with it you
' re discovering that you like women and you like men. The point is that, since you have lived the alternative of being born a man and today being a woman, you know that there was the possibility of being able to live as a man and therefore, as a man, to have a life with her. I think you would need to seek terapeur help to assume yourself as such as the woman you hear before deciding medical things that might put you in a different situation. Again why we also need to take care of how
much we do to the body. I think it would be important for you to take a therapeutic treatment that matches a little bit where you stand in front of life and, depending on that, determine what you want and how you want to live your sexuality why. Perhaps what would have always happened, even if you hadn' t made the change, is that, because you were
going to like men and you were going to be busted by women. It is a very interesting case of yours, because it comes to question us how early in life we have to make these changes when we are in the middle of adolescence. But today you have to take this with anyone and think about how you take care of yourself, how you take care of your body and where and how you want to define yourself, because it also sounds like you ' re very influential. Then you' re full of anguish, seek psychological
attention to clarify where you are and how. And, well, this brings us to the end of the program. Date I was looking for this was chayo with you having an extraordinary weekend and we heard on Monday Audio Center