#157 The One-Hour Orgasm: It's Not a Myth, It's a Practice

So for Yoni Massage, can you walk our listeners through how, like, what is the process? What are you doing for that? I'll put my fingers inside of them and be like... After your baby, everything is just... loose for a while right you cannot physically constrict and i had the most predictable reliable orgasms without trying to start to get a sense of like oh i'm in this pattern with these dangerous men because

I'm reliving my fatherhood wound. Just because you are wet or just because you are engaged in sex that you are aroused getting pleasure and achieving orgasm. None of those things are true, but it wasn't until I learned to like soften and relax and not clench that I actually started squirting. There's all these different kinds of orgasms. You're told to like, you know, bear down clench.

Right before an orgasm. There's cervical orgasms. There's anal orgasms. There's just so many different ways to orgasm. Heartgasms are a thing. Boobgasms. Cosmic orgasms. Angergasm. Leola, thank you so much for coming on the show. I was so excited when Coral introduced the two of us on the internet and then I saw your book come out and I was watching your little book launch party and then I was following all of

your post for that retreat that you had because i was trying to get you on for valentine's day and it looked so spicy and so fun and i was so jealous that i didn't know about it sooner so i was like i would totally have gone um so i want to know about that weekend specifically But thank you so much for coming. Yeah. Thank you, Candice, so much for having me. And thank you to the listeners for opening yourself up to this sacred and sexy conversation. Yeah. OK, so.

Tantra for beginners give me like a quick run through because I Feel like it's one of those subjects that's getting really popular right now. And then I don't know anything about it like I know a little bit of the catchphrases that you hear so like kundalini experience and then a lot of people have like this hyper sexualized version and other people criticize that and say well that's not tantra it's this whole other thing so Um,

for your definition of tantra and for people that don't know how would you describe it yeah you're hitting the nail on the head here there are so many different modalities and lineages of tantra there's like classic more authentic tantra which even

within the more authentic you know lineages of tantra there's like over 50 different schools of thought and some are very monastic in nature and not sexual at all and others are a little bit more explicitly sexual and have orgies as a part of their like ritual right and then you have

neo tantra which is the more sexualized type of tantra that a lot of people in the western world think of when they think about tantra and then you have egyptian tantra and you have taoist shamanic sexuality there's even

evidence of tantric lineages within christianity so yeah so there's it's kind of this world that is really broad and expansive and there's so many different ways to explore and play but i like to go to the root of the word which is you know tantra sanskrit word ancient indian you know or east asian language in which many tantric texts and hindu texts texts were written in

And in Sanskrit, tantra has two concepts put together. So tan means to expand and tra means to liberate. So when you're living a tantric lifestyle, it's really about expansion and liberation. And what I love about that definition...

is that it is so broad and therefore like subjective what is expansive and liberating to me is very different to you and um And so it's really this modality of like calibrating and being curious about where is my growth edge at this time. And I think that while Tantra has been highly sexualized, it's not.

like sex is one tool in the toolbox um and i think that it is a really beautiful way for people to discover this world because to me sexuality is such an area of growth for so many of us because we have you know an inherently traumatizing sexual education by and far not everyone but i would say like most people in america didn't escape school sex ed which is very shame and fear-based religion our parents early sexual experiences in which like

both parties usually don't really know what they're doing you know so it's hard to grow up in this world without having some level of like sexual trauma or ick or whatever

No, yeah, I totally agree. So can you elaborate a little bit more on the... like the christian tantra practices i've never heard of that and some people are probably going to go into the comments right away and say like this is which witches yeah like what are you talking about which fine like all good all good and i'll say look i'm gonna

say a lot of things today some of them might land with you some won't and it's a very tantric perspective to be like there is no right or wrong whatever resonates with you take it run with it use it if something doesn't land awesome all good i'm not going to take it personally i want you to find your definition of liberation sexual liberation intimacy etc so the

The modalities of like the Christian perspective of Tantra, a lot of it originates from Mary Magdalene, actually, who had her own gospel and that was, you know, removed from the Bible or from the original. you know christian texts uh there's also lineages of like gnostics which are a little bit more tantric in nature as well um my favorite book that kind of like gives mary magdalene's perspective is the magdalene manuscript

It's very woo-woo. It's very witchy. It's very like... you got to be open-minded for it but i really enjoy it and the idea is that mary magdalene was jesus's equal and there is this concept of divine union sacred union that happens when a you know two two beings come together. And the idea was that Mary Magdalene actually was a priestess who initiated Jesus into his highest healing abilities.

Oh, that is going to ruffle a lot of feathers. Let's ruffle them. Yep. It's going to ruffle a lot. It's going to land with a lot of people. Like for me, I really struggled with Christianity because I felt like there was a lot of hypocrisy. And I also.

didn't see any feminine perspectives and it felt like throughout a lot of the christian like i grew up in the midwest i grew up going to church you know like all the stuff and i really struggled because i didn't see a feminine perspective that was empowering and so i

I like turned away from religion completely, but I knew that there was God. I knew that there was something more. And when I discovered Tantra and then found Mary Magdalene and Jesus on that path and really learned about like the original teachings. It was like a come to Jesus moment. Jesus is my homie. I'm here for it. So I would totally agree in the sense that there are not a lot of examples of healthy sexuality.

pleasure certainly there's not a lot of examples when you go to sex ed and i have been finding my space myself in uh the manosphere space a lot recently i've been just like I've been entering the gauntlet and coming out with some wounds that I'm still licking and there's this idea that is perpetuated over there that a woman's sexuality needs to be harnessed or bridled. because we can't handle it. And if left to our own devices, we make terrible decisions. I love it.

so um i would love your feedback on that perspective i disagree i think everyone makes shitty sexual decisions like both men and women and a lot of that comes down to we weren't properly taught um Delayed gratification, alignment, how to have healthy, safe sex, like what you should expect.

or before you engage in something that's intimate right like without it being ideologically driven like there's a lot of reasons we all make shitty decisions and i don't think that you can just blanketly say women make terrible decisions so men and religion have had to

bridle it other for our own good for you know good yeah i have so many thoughts about this i'm really excited to just like drop drop my drop my wisdom here but i i you said you were going into the manosphere yes what is this i have no idea what you know the manos

No, I have no idea. Okay, so they call themselves red-pilled, but I correct them and say black-pilled because a lot of them are very cynical and it's just there's no point to enter a relationship. The legal system is fucked, so marriage is... pointless um all women are whores so you're better off just sleeping with random women because you don't have to deal with the headache of maintaining the relationship um that it's just like it's just woman hating essentially and it's

like a bunch of men that have either been hurt, traumatized, or are fearful of the feminine. So what they do is just kind of like cast it out entirely. Shame. I have a lot of compassion for that, actually. I feel that it is a really difficult time. to be a man. There's a lot of shame and blame being put on men by a lot of women. And I just think that it's really important to acknowledge that men are victims of the same culture that women are victims of.

completely different ways and um just dropping a note here like oh like I can just feel the the loneliness and the fear that's like coming from that collective and anyways let's talk about

the dark feminine though yeah which is what i like to call like as you were saying like wow there's so much power for women in their sexuality as well as in their intuitive capability as well as in their emotional range and this is what I like to call collectively the dark feminine so we have the light feminine we have the dark feminine and the light feminine is the part of the feminine that has been historically and even currently more

celebrated and accepted it's like the mother and the virgin maiden and like the lover girl the housewife like nurturing sweet innocent loving and all really great qualities like I'm super here for the light feminine I don't want to demonize the light feminine it's a really there's a lot of power there as well

But there's also a lot of shadow in the light, too. There's the martyr. There's the controlling mother. There's the naive, innocent, easily manipulated young... you know expression of the feminine and those are all shadows of the light so you have the light in the dark

And then you have shadow or distortion. And there's this misconception that the light is the only place that God exists or that there is divinity or like that's the divine feminine. Whereas there is just as much... godliness and divinity in the dark feminine in its holistic expression in its harnessed expression there's also shadow of the dark feminine which is what we often see

portrayed more than the like holistic dark feminine so you have the seductress who's like manipulating men tearing families apart you have the the like witch intuitive that's like you know, creating mayhem in Disney movies. You have the emotionally chaotic woman that like can't control how she's impacting a space, how she's impacting a room, how she's impacting others with her emotions, right? But you also have like these really holistic experiences.

expressions of the dark feminine the woman who is seducing her man into his heart right you have the intuitive who is like using herbs and plants to like heal herself and her family and others you have the emotional um female who is deeply able to like read what's going on for a person and in the room

and use her heartbreak use her grief use whatever like crazy chaotic energy is happening inside her to alchemize it and create art right So to me, it's like this energy, especially sexual energy, is very powerful.

you know most things that are powerful have a capacity to be dangerous for sure money is very similar money can be used to create war and like you know greed or it can be used to like literally save lives and it's a very similar energy with sexuality it's neutral but we don't create safety around our sexuality by

shutting it down, turning it off, pretending like it's not there, having someone else deal with it. We create safety by mastery, by actually creating safe and sacred spaces to fully explore these parts of ourselves from a

curious and intentional perspective so how would you go about instructing like a younger woman And I'm going to stick with women here for a second. A younger woman to navigate her sexual experiences. Let's say she's inexperienced, you know, 18, 19, 20 years old. How do you do that in alignment to where you're not making?

Reckless decisions because you mentioned distortion and I think that's a really powerful word because a lot of examples that will be used when it comes to criticizing female sexuality or our ability to make good decisions in that field is And you see it a lot to me it's obvious like I can kind of see like the pattern going back to when they're like a little girl but the girl the woman that chases the bad boy right or the woman that stays in the abusive relationship and she's

almost addicted to um like the polarizing chemicals of uh fight flight freeze and then makeup sex right yeah um and they'll say like the makeup sex is so good but they've done studies on this and while some women will respond well to chaos, like it actually ups their arousal. universally pleasure goes down so even for like about 10 to 20 percent of women uh stress will increase arousal 80 it goes down but for all women pleasure goes down and there's this um

It's just like it's almost like to me it's a self-worth thing. It's a nervous system thing like you recognize that your nervous system recognizes what is your homeostasis and that might be like a chaotic dark man so why is it so many women go after the bad boy that they know is not good for long-term intimacy that isn't going to take care of their needs that isn't prioritizing their safety like how do you help nav like navigate

that exploration period of a young woman yeah I would say holistically the path is shadow work however this is a very nuanced space right like it's not

this is like a collective piece. It's not just like women are the problem or like this specific pattern. And I came from like a very similar... path like for me grew up in the midwest religious environment very conservative environment great place to grow up in many ways however there were lots of again fear and shame based education around sexuality around pleasure around my body and so as i you know came into puberty i also knew

that what I was hearing, it just wasn't landing for me completely. I didn't feel like I was getting the whole truth in regards to sexuality, which was true. I wasn't getting a truly honest sex education. I wasn't getting a pleasure-based sexual education. And so I decided to like find out for myself. And I really had like several chapters where I was exploring my sexuality incredibly liberally. And it wasn't.

a good like safe move i did learn a lot in those chapters but i also experienced a lot of non-consensual interactions and it was deeply damaging for me and so when i came into my 20s i had like this really limiting sex education that I was carrying on top of a bunch of sexual trauma and that around that time I started you know learning about spirituality and I was meditating and doing yoga but it was like not

getting there it wasn't going deep enough it wasn't truly holistic and that's when i discovered tantra and that's what really allowed me to go to the deeper parts of myself and be really honest with myself as well and that's really where it's like tundra isn't just about sexuality but for me that was my gateway i was into it because of the cool sex tricks i was like let's let's go but it wasn't too far down the line that i was like

healing my relationship to my inner child and my relationship to abundance and prosperity and money and what was possible for me in life. And for me, what that looked like.

was completely being celibate actually for a chapter and and exploring within my own body where my pleasure was like doing yoni massage to actually like massage out the trauma like the body keeps the score we do all this like work on our bodies but like we're like ignoring like our sexual centers where there is so much to be released and processed

And then being really intentional from there about the spaces and the types of people that I connected with and also empowering my intuition. Like once you, again, like reclaim more of those dark feminine energies, including your intuition, you start to get a sense. of like oh i'm in this pattern with these dangerous men because i'm reliving my fatherhood wound or i'm

Or like I'm addicted to the drama. And is there a healthier way for me to get that like rush in my body than like, you know, engaging with a toxic person? And I'm not like... don't have like the full scientific background on this but the the feelings that we get when we're really angry like that like heightened sense is very similar to like the heightened sense of excitement and joy and so it's similar things that are happening in the body

but there are more healthy paths to get to that feeling of aliveness. Yeah, I agree. And the yoni massage is really interesting. It'll sound woo, and some people...

They criticize that book so much, even though there is so much data in it to support all of his theories. Yeah. So when you go to have a baby, what a lot of people do nowadays is they'll send you to a pelvic floor specialist. And they'll do like these little electric.

readings they'll put these little diodes internally and it'll map your entire cervix and you'll see where there's tension if there's any kind of um like asymmetry that's happening and what they will say if you if you ask them patterns is like certain areas especially on the outside will be

like almost painful if anyone does any like trigger point uh fascia release right with like a lacrosse ball and you'll get to something like oh my god i'm barely touching it and it's excruciating you'll see a lot of pain on the outside of women that have experienced sexual trauma so um they'll have to work that out so that can help like safely deliver a baby.

Lot of women that have been stuck in chronic stress and fight flight or flight have like a really tense pelvic floor So use and that was that was me like it was insanely just like it was constantly contracted and tight. So I had to spend months actively releasing and letting go and um a lot of that again it's just like being in a constant state of of

um stress and then you wonder why you're not able to experience pleasure with someone and a lot of that is like shitty sex ed because we're told we have to be tight we have to be so tight so that he can enjoy himself when in actuality it's like closing you both off to experiencing the most pleasure and I learned this after my first born because after you have a baby everything is just

loose for a while right it is just there you cannot physically um constrict and i had the most predictable reliable orgasms without trying like it would be like well and i was like what is happening i sex was supposed to be terrible after babies and this is like the best sex i've ever had in my life because it was just like

we're like relaxed finally and it was the same experience for him and now I mean now I'm back to my old patterns and I'm like still actively trying to work on releasing and I definitely want to get into that part of your book as well but we hold on to

much of our stuff and there's all of these tools that i think we dismiss and that's why i love that you're doing these workshops because you're showing women like there's so much more available than what you think that there is yeah yeah and also you know teaching men more about like

female anatomy and and how to honor a woman like truly like there is a temple like yoni is the sanskrit word for pussy right and so like it actually translates to sacred space temple and like thinking about this fact that every baby like comes through the world like through a woman's legs like that's a portal between the spiritual world the physical

world if you believe in that right if you believe that there is a spiritual world and so what would it look like as a partner to honor a woman's body like as this sacred portal not just for babies to come through but like for like goddess divine energy to come through um but i love what you shared about like your experience with childbirth i'm in those like pre preconception stages and like the stories like that it's just

More people need to hear those stories because we hear like all of these horror stories about birth and postpartum. And yes, it's challenging. And I'm sure that you had many other more intense initiations around it. But like, let's let's let's.

also take the moment to really celebrate like the wins and and that makes a lot of sense to me and i really i really identify with that so for yoni massage can you walk our listeners through how like what is the process what are you what are you doing for that because I need to go do that later I'm like I need to I need to relax

Yeah, so there are different types of yoni massage, and I'll kind of share the two main types. One is more pleasure mapping, which is like... like reorienting the body to like what is pleasurable for you and being open to discover like where are there different um erogenous zones in your body and on your pussy that you might not even be aware of you know most women associate sexual touch with a more like

If you had yin and yang, like a more yang energy, a more intense, fast, primal, spontaneous, intense, like that's what we see in porn. Like even when we go get a massage, it's generally more of like that, like get in there, you know.

like intense energy um whereas like in the tantric perspective there should be a balance of the yin and yang and really you should start should is subjective um but it's invited to start with a little bit more of the yin energy which is slow and soft and sensual and as you had mentioned the nervous system it allows your nervous system to relax and that invites the to soften and open instead of be like bracing itself for really intense you know

penetration or or touch or or anything so pleasure mapping is more focused on like let's find new pleasure pathways for you in your body the other type of yoni massage which is kind of more what we were alluding to is called sacred spot And sacred spot is a deep tissue massage for the energetic, emotional, and sexual body. And so some people call the sacred spot actually like the G spot. But for me.

because the g-spot holds like they say the g-spot holds a lot of tension and trauma and um that being said to me the sacred spot is much bigger than that the sacred spot could be anywhere in your energetic emotional or sexual body where you're holding tension that wants to release that then on the other side

has the capacity for pleasure so when you go in for a deep tissue massage they're looking for knots right to work out and it's the same concept um you're looking for knots you're looking for places where energy has been like stuck, contracted emotion or energy in motion has been trapped and you're working that out. And so that type of yoni massage, like it.

like might not be really pleasurable at all but very often when you go in and you find that knot and you work it out there is pleasure on the other side it's like ah so for me sacred spot has looked like from as energetic as just saying no like being in a yoni massage and actually stopping it and that being my edge that being the part of me that there was tension around like saying no for all the times that I didn't get to say no but it's all

been you know like de-armoring my cervix and really going deep into my pussy and finding those places where there is scar tissue or there is contraction or it's just like hurts and and working out that tension

Yeah, when I went to the pelvic floor specialist, after they identified where there were like basically like knots essentially, she would go in with like a finger and just pressure point. Yeah. And I would have to actively like... because it was really really intense and I mean I don't have sexual trauma per se like I don't want to use that word because I think that that's deserving for like more extreme experiences but definitely like times where you're like

I didn't really make that decision in alignment. You know what I mean? Or just like, again, walking around super tense. Do you use, like, do you like using a wand or do you like a partner to do it or do you like doing it yourself or any of the above? Kind of a mix.

And what I'll also say is like what I would say is probably different from the pelvic floor specialist that you went to is that so generally if I were to do a yoni massage or I would have someone do one on me, it would include like it would be like a three hour session. Oh, wow. Yes. So, and it would start with like, let's have a talk. Like let's, it kind of like coaching or like therapy. Then we would go in and maybe do like.

some breath work things because breath is really important breath sound and movement are the three basic tools of tantra and also they're really important for empowering you to actually like release the tension and to relax and drop into your body. And then we would go in and do a full body massage. before even like going to the so and then and then even then like oftentimes like with a de-armoring session or a sacred spot session

there would still be some pleasurable touch too. So like if my husband was doing this on me, he would probably be like stroking my clit and at the same time like massaging the knots. And so it's generally like for a lot of people, you're able to...

um hold more of the intense sensation pain play etc when there is pleasure alongside like it softens the serotonin the dopamine so it's like it's still intense releasing those things but it's not as like clinical generally yeah i'm sure that's probably a lot more impactful I mean, I don't know. Like, I think it's all impactful. But I like, I'm like, I would rather have to feel like sexy with my husband at least a little bit. He is also like a fucking wizard. So I am very fortunate.

Anyways, so your question, though, was... um like like tools and and practices like if you can do this by yourself because yeah so if you're you're obviously not going to massage do full body massage on yourself but you could probably do some spots right to maybe get yourself like would you recommend that yeah i mean That was my...

entry really was doing this work on myself and it's so empowering to know okay i can actually heal myself and i can actually you know i can rely on it builds a lot of self-trust as well as again mastery in this world and it like You know, there's nothing better than being able to just lean back and receive with someone that you know knows what they're doing and is safe and you trust them. So if I'm doing it on myself, I do like to use pleasure wands. Particularly, I really enjoy like crystal.

pleasure wands um which i have suggestions for brands if people want them but um Those are really amazing. I really enjoy those. And there are certain ones that are like kind of curvy so you can like hit more spots. There's even like one called the cervix serpent. So it's like a little bit thinner. It's easier to get all the way deep to your cervix where a lot of.

women feel a lot of tension like especially you you'll know this if like if someone fucks you really deep it hurts which is what happens for a lot of women especially if they're not fully aroused and warmed up um but yeah i i mean so this is something that we do teach at our retreats our co-ed retreats and i also do demos like within some of my other like i have a women's only container and we'll do demos of it in there um and then

if you're looking for someone to just go to there's a website called sacredarrows.com e-r-o-s arrows sacredarrows.com and there are practitioners there however I would recommend a high level of discernment going that route because even myself, I found a practitioner in Sacred Arrows that...

like completely crossed my boundaries and that was like my first experience of receiving a yoni massage and was like deeply traumatic so i do have people as well if you're if you're interested in this it's something that i do

occasionally it's not as big of a part of my practice these days but I also have you know a couple of male practitioners that I recommend and a couple of women practitioners that I recommend as well okay yeah I mean I personally am interested in that for sure because what am I

um my biggest things is receiving and I would imagine that's probably common amongst a lot of women is I think maybe I heard you even talking about this on a podcast it's If I'm in a position where I'm not like actively giving or participating and it's just me and I'm just supposed to be receiving, I immediately like...

Is he okay? I'm taking too long. Why doesn't it feel good yet? Like, right, it's all of this negative talk in my more, like, immature state of, like... the feminine and sexuality I would blame the guy right which is so toxic and unhealthy and I was unaware because

again shitty sex ed but i'd be like oh he doesn't know what he's doing can you speed up you suck and making it all external and then um i did this in person intensive with emily fletcher and we did like sex magic but it was all solo play

and I remember we were like in a circle and doing it and I had a little bit of performance anxiety which was really interesting I didn't think I was going to have it especially given my background and I noticed that the same self like the same shitty talk that I was

say to a guy even if it was just in my head it was happening and i was like oh this is a you thing like this is just you being overly critical and then having all of like a very um like goal or end goal oriented experience which is gonna

I mean, that doesn't lead to the best experience in general. You want to be present and not just like focused on a goal, right? So it put a lot of things into perspective for me. I'm like, why am I so uncomfortable receiving? And that shows up in other areas of my life as well, right? Which is why... I love like the tie with sexuality because

people kind of don't take the uh value or the gravity of the situation like they think it's kind of just hedonistic and it's shallow and there's not more to it and it's like oh that's all she cares about it's like no the patterns that you're going to see here are almost guaranteed to like stem out into the rest of your world so if you have a lot of negative self-talk if you have a lot of goal-oriented things that you're rushing through if you have issues receiving that's going to show up

in other facets of your life like i can't take a compliment to save my life i like i get weird and i'm like okay or then i'll immediately do the self-deprecating thing so someone um will compliment you like oh yeah but you know um i had to spend like seven hours or it's not that

good or like you minimize it because you can't just like accept the thing in its fullness there are so many different things that i could say about this but yes it is incredibly incredibly powerful to be in a be in a in an environment where all you have to do

is just be and feel and that's really what yoni massage as well as linga massage is about you know for men it's very similar and maybe even exacerbated more so because for men like they tend to be the ones that are the experience like moving it along and also like thrusting like there's even more of a like i've got to keep the keep the experience flowing and so for a man to receive a tantra massage and to be able to just lean back and receive

and not do anything. It's actually like... really mind-boggling and even challenging for them but what happens is when you're receiving in that way you're able to just be in your body and begin to get curious about like how does my sexual energy move through my body how can I master this as a man

And that's really, really empowering for men. But I'll also go back to women and say, you know, in a lot of my women's containers, we do a lot of sensual touch connection, but not sexual. And it's like so healing for women to receive from other women. in a nurturing and sisterly way and to be in a space like oh I can be touched in my body and not have it be sexualized as well so there's just so much power and healing in in touch and in connecting in person that's why I'm just so passionate about

this work and and yeah why it's why it's so big but also one last thing i'll add to you were saying like how you do one thing is how you do everything basically and it's so true because when you can ask for what you want or or set a boundary when you're the most

physically and emotionally and sexually vulnerable, which is in the bedroom, you can do it anywhere. Like you can ask for the raise. You can send back your order and get the correct thing. You can set boundaries with your family. It's so empowering. And that's why I love.

this work and to me like sexual energy is the fabric of our existence it's why we're all here so if we start with that and work on our relationship to our sexuality do our shadow work then it's going to touch every part of your life so when it comes to

being able to be in a place where you get out of your head and you get out of that talk of I guess like people pleasing and just receiving do you have any tips for women who are who really struggle to kind of settle into that space. Yeah, I think that... My first suggestion is to just start with yourself. So like even just doing sensual dance or seductively undressing yourself in front of a mirror and starting to track like where is my mind going during this and making it a meditation of.

Can I stay in my body and stay in the sensations that I'm feeling in my body? uh and then taking that into with a partner really focusing on like what are the sensations in my body another thing that i recommend doing is having a conversation before intimacy with a partner or a lover or even if it's a first date bare minimum talking about your desires your fears and your boundaries so desires are things that you want to happen that you like that you're in the mood for that day

boundaries are things that you're not in the mood for that day or that are off limits completely and then fears are things that like might keep you in your head like you know it's our first time connecting i have a mole on the edge of my pussy and i'm afraid you're gonna think it's herpes

not like as an example right or i'm you know it just kind of like like sunlight is the best disinfectant we're just taking the garbage out before and that's not to say that you're not going to be in your mind but it definitely reduces the amount of anxiety like chatter chatter exactly yeah

No, that's, yeah, that's super helpful. I've heard, there was a study and it was saying that people that practice mindfulness have the most consistent orgasms and they're like the most fulfilling sex life. So female arousal, this is an important thing I want to touch on.

this is part of a clip that went viral for me for all of the wrong reasons because everyone like intentionally misrepresented it there is scary amount of people and it's men and women that think that just because you are wet or just because you are engaged in sex that you are aroused getting pleasure and

achieving orgasm none of those things are true right we know that sexual non-concordance is a thing with women specifically it happens with men sometimes but it's definitely more frequent with men so for people that don't know what that is it's basically your pussy recognizes this is a sexual situation or this is not a sex sexual situation so it will lubricate based off of those things there is no relationship to arousal or turn on with that

at all. Like that has been debunked. So it's just like, is this a restaurant or is this not a restaurant? This is from I think Emily Nagasaki from Come As You Are. So it is just a response. There is no meaning tied to it necessarily. You know that she's aroused if you ask her if she's aroused. You know if she's having pleasure if you ask if she's having pleasure. So there's this...

I'm just trying to correct the bad behavior that is like just because a woman is having sex that automatically she's having a good time, right? And that's not that's not the case and women's sexuality and arousal is so complicated and I wish it was as easy as the male where it is just

kind of straightforward and it's visible right like when they have a climax we all know because you can see it so ours is all internal and it's like there's a lot more required and I was making a point that like the chronic stress that we kind of experience can pump the brakes as women so

That can be internal, that could be external, that could be the relationship dynamics. There's so many things that go into a woman's ability to like tap in to arousal. And I'm curious if you see like a lot of women or like a common... um common example of like what breaks would be for female arousal what breaks would be yeah like what breaks would be like what are things that are kind of uh things are stopping yeah stopping her from being able to like

to experience pleasure or arousal yeah i mean i think 100 being in your head is a huge piece uh another one is just not regulating the nervous system not knowing what you need and like consistently going into sexual experiences being either really activated in the nervous system or really shut down in the nervous system frozen um so i have women that come to me that like have always had pain during penetration like they've never had pleasure they've never orgasmed and like

Nine times out of 10, all that I have to do is teach them how to relax when they exhale. It's just like, you know, I'll... put my fingers inside of them and be like take a deep breath and then exhale and like relax your pussy and then they start to feel like oh i'm like i'm connected to my body and i have sovereignty over you know how my body is receiving a sexual situation

so that's I mean that's like the number one piece for women and very often it's like okay well how do I get to a place where I'm even able to be with what's going on in my body and that means getting more connected to your body and figuring out how do i how do i track when i am activated or when i'm disassociating and how do i bring myself back into

my zone of tolerance as well as how do i like expand my zone of tolerance and zone of tolerance meaning like where you're able to actually be fully in your body and the truth is is and this is um Kind of a quote. It's not a direct quote, but it's taken from Jessica Benstock, who is a woman that I trained with around the nervous system and being trauma-informed in the body. She doesn't work with sexuality really much. It's just broad. But she says that...

the most powerful person in a room is the one that is the most regulated and aware at the same time and so to me to be empowered is to learn more about my relationship to my body to my regulation and being really conscious and aware of what's going on for me like it's like radical ownership

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. I feel like the nervous system regulation space is also getting really popular right now. Do you have favorite practices or ones that you would caution against when it comes to regulation? So I ask this.

because... i i briefly worked with this woman that has like a program and it's amazing and she brought it to my awareness like a lot of these things that we're using for healing right now it's we're using it as a panacea without elders and how dangerous that can kind of

to be specifically psychedelics and how like shattering and unnerving that can be to your nervous system and if you're already dysregulated that that's just like exacerbating the issue and you might have a moment of where you think it's reprieve or it's healing but it's actually doing more damage in the long

run so um she's very cautious about things like that if you're going into the space already from a dysregulated place it's so true even like ice baths like ice baths are putting you into like basically a trauma response like it's freaking your body out it's like going into survival and that's not to say that there aren't health benefits all of that like i'm totally if you love ice baths they're working for you keep it keep it up but i think especially for women's bodies we need more like

hot baths like we need more bubble baths warm water softening our body softening our nervous system as far as favorite practices go I mean breath work is really valuable meditation is really really powerful but it's even in like the micro moments of the day so you know many years ago when i like was first you know getting into tantra i went to a couple that did you know

it was kind of like body work but like i was fully clothed like it was like more of like the white tantric energetic tantric space and they told me they're like oh my god like you are holding like you were just flexing your lower belly like this entire time you're just flexing your your belly like it's as if you're moving through the world with like like constantly tense like bracing for you know some type of impact generally like we wouldn't be like punched in the stomach but like

you know, energetically by what someone could say. It's like our bodies are like protecting themselves. Right. And so to me, my journey has been about seeing my body as the mystery school and. like becoming hyper attuned to like even the smallest like contraction or opening like how do I feel when I step into a space and so after that session I remember I went to go meet up with a friend like someone that

objectively you would think okay like this is someone that loves me and that i can trust and i can be my full authentic self around but i noticed i started to talk to her about some tantra stuff which i hadn't talked to her much about before and i was like oh my god i'm doing the thing i'm tensing my stomach I'm bracing myself for her reaction and so there was this moment of

Am I really in a life-threatening situation where I need to do that? Let me take a deep breath, ground myself here and relax and soften and know that even if she does reject me, I'm going to be okay. And so that's one example of what has now been.

become my life which is and now I mean that was a really intentional thought but now it's more automatic like i'm constantly doing this does it make sense no i think so too and that that speaks to me because i still do that i walk around tense all the time as it like as if i'm gonna get punched in the stomach and part of mine is uh my mom was

looks obsessed growing up she was a bodybuilder she did some modeling and she would always comment on other women's bodies when I was little so I put a ton of value on the external and how you look and how you're perceived and if you're attractive or not so I remember from a young age thinking like keep it sucked in keep it flexed and then that just carried on into adulthood and then you know years later I find out oh your pelvic floor is a mess well of course it is

you know of course it is and I don't know I hope that at some point it'll be natural as natural as it is to keep it everything tight as it is to just walk around relaxed but yeah I'm certainly not there yet It's like it's a very concerted effort. Yeah, absolutely. I guess going into that there, I learned.

this maybe two years ago that when you're orgasming like there's all these different kinds of orgasms um specifically we're told to like you know bear down clench yeah right before an orgasm and that is kind of like the most superficial quick least pleasurable one of the options for women i'm like what do you mean because if i don't i'm not going to be able to get there yeah is that true So every woman's body is different. And so as I share what I will say over the next couple of minutes.

There's nothing wrong with you. Every body is different and different orgasms are achievable for different people. The erotic blueprints are really great. great resource for like expanding your orgasmic potential um and beginning to understand like what works for your body what doesn't the woman's anatomy of arousal is another one um but for me i was very similar that that's how i that's how i used

to have most of my orgasms was by like you know more clenching but it wasn't until i learned to like soften and relax and not clench that i actually started squirting right so because like squirting is kind of different like you have to like let go more than like

hold on um but there are like i mean there's cervical orgasms there's anal orgasms like there's just so many different ways to orgasm blended orgasms are my favorite where you're like you know like having that you know more clenchy orgasm but you're also

like having pleasure in another area that's making it more expansive um heartgasms are a thing boobgasms cosmic orgasms angergasm like i i have a whole bit on like orgasms but yeah there's there's a lot available and tonsured for me has been like the gateway into expanding what that can look like and like understanding the energy and a lot is a lot of that through breath work so you're

changing how you breathe in order to be able to access those some of them for sure some of them um specifically like i mean for me heartgasms can just happen but i've also done a lot of work to kind of like

understand how energy moves in my body and create like basically the idea here we'll get into like the kundalini bit here yeah so as you mentioned like kundalini is one of the things that people think about when they think about tantra and the kundalini is like our kundalini chakra system

kundalini means coiled snake and the idea is that this life force energy which is synonymous in a way to sexual energy but it's actually so much bigger like to me you can be turned on by life but so many of us only feel that aliveness in sexual situations because that's what we've been conditioned

to feel that's where we've been conditioned to feel it or where we allow ourselves to feel it but like i'll notice now like i'll be like i'll feel that like arousal when i see like an old woman in a dope outfit i'll be like that is turning like that's a like my kundalini is alive and like i'm not i don't want to fuck her but like i feel the you know anyways so the idea is that like you have these chakras which are

energy centers you have seven of them starting at your root which is at like your base where your ass is and they go all the way up to the crown of your head and A lot of the work in Tantra or one of the modalities is to actually get clear on where are there blockages in my energy system? Where is there emotion or energy emotion that I've stifled, bottled up? And it's.

not allowing this energy to fully move through my body so that I can have full body orgasms or heartgasms or cosmic orgasms or even just like feel like in love with life alone and so

I've done a lot over the years to be aware of where am I holding things in my body so that there's a more clear channel where it's easier for those types of experiences to happen to me. But the first time I had a heartgasm, I was actually... there was no sexual like thing happening I was actually on a mushroom journey and I was like completely on my own with a blindfold on and it was like this energy just shot right into my heart from my pussy it was like and it was incredible

Good for you. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, that sounds wonderful. Yeah, energetic orgasm. It's like that was like a type of energetic orgasm, I would say. You can also have more sexual heartgasm, but that was like a type of energy orgasm. No, I mean, I fully believe in all of that. When I was getting ready, because Emily Fletcher like came into town and I wanted to make sure I was like wildly prepared for her. I was reading Mama Gina's, like I was just like immersed in a lot of this stuff.

And I felt like afterwards I had, and I, have you heard of like the extended orgasm it's like the one hour long orgasm and they say that i don't know which who's left it is but it's like left of the clit and like that's the spot you're supposed to kind of focus on and it can create like this wave that you kind of ride for an hour

And I was like, I gotta find the material on this. I couldn't find it to save my life But what happened was is after Emily had left It was just available like the neck like one of like the more recent encounters I had after like her seminar.

I'm like, whoa, what's happening? And I don't know. It was just like being connected to the space and that sounds so woo, but then it happened again when I was around like the same group of people and consuming the same content. It was like almost like you're tapping into a channel. It hasn't happened in a very long time.

I'm like, I need to figure out what I did or find this video that is like no longer on the internet because I'm determined. And maybe that's the thing is like, I'm just trying too hard, but it was fantastic. I say it was kind of like an Alex Gray painting.

experience it's like everything was just like so trippy so I think there's something to that like that cosmic orgasm that you're talking about it's just like a frequency that you need to get into i think so too and i also think that it's it's really empowering to know what's on the menu so i remember reading about a cosmic orgasm and being like that would be great i don't think that's ever happened and then continuing with just my regular practice

living a tantric lifestyle it just happened I was like oh that's what that was and then you start to understand okay like the conditions that brought me there and I do think being non-attached is so important for orgasm in general like pleasure is like water coming out of a faucet

you kind of just have to put your hand under it and like feel the flow if you try to grab it or push it away or it's not gonna it's just not how pleasure works it's the same with emotions if you try to like push away grief anger or whatever it's like that doesn't work it's water it just needs to flow and you kind of have to surrender to it and see what's available and the thing too is like there have been times where i was like really trying to make myself squirt and it like wasn't

working I was frustrated but as soon as I released the need for it to squirt like something else happened something else was available like a different type of orgasm that was actually more of what i needed like a cathartic experience so that's a big piece of tantra is like letting go of the expectation And seeing what's available.

Yeah. And yeah, that's probably for both parties, too. Right. Is like not being I think they call it circular sexing where there's no goal. It's just like to be present with each other and just kind of like keep going instead of like this is. And sometimes that's all that you think. That's all that's available.

right like if you are busy or if you've got kids and like this we just if we're gonna do it like this is it so yeah there are times where that's appropriate but um what i love about the tantra work and what i've read so far is like carving out that time and making it a priority

and one of the things I think you mentioned in here was like taking like four hours right to like even intimately connect through conversation and that's gonna like I think it was once a week was the suggestion at least yeah I mean it depends like everyone's different and I'm gonna be real like my

husband and I don't do that you know and we have we're very very connected so it's more of like there's a here you're you like really want to rebuild your intimacy and your connection and like this is the path four times you know four hours once a week set aside that time tantra date night but eventually there's more of like a maintenance schedule and so for me that's like one time a week at least an hour then you maybe have like

you know like a bigger night once a month and then once a quarter you have a weekend and then like once a year you have a whole week or something um like that would be more of like a maintenance like cadence And it's totally possible too, like if you're married and you have kids or you have a busy life at all, there are so many tantric practices that you can do in like 10, 15 minutes that facilitate connection and keep things going.

if you can set aside four hours that are like non-attached this isn't like we're gonna have sex but let's just focus on our intimacy let's take a shower together let's cook dinner together let's you know

get naked and see what happens you know like there's lots available what about um the one process that you describe in your book where it's like an anger protocol so to kind of like do a release and

Again, this is one of those things that on the surface people can dismiss so easy as woo and unimportant. I mean, anecdotally speaking, I think that was one of the biggest... um access points for me to be able to experience that pleasure is because i did that full they call it swamping um like that full release this is also income as you are and this is the neuroscience it's actually resetting your nervous system so every other animal they call it

Closing the cycle so you would have some kind of stressful experience a gazelle shakes Does a big sigh that is resetting this the nervous system or closing this the cycle. We don't do that So there's like we're good stuck in whatever the thing is so you have this really stale adrenaline that's basically stored up in your body so your practice in here is amazing and

I mean science backs it and how important it really is to close the cycle. So how often do you recommend that people are doing that protocol? Yeah. So just to clarify, every chapter of the book, there's like a practice at the end. So that's what Candace is referring to.

um and there are some more sexy ones and and journaling there's a bunch but this one is called a rage ritual and you're absolutely right even like kids you know kids come into this world like naturally closing the cycle you know babies are crying toddlers throw a fit and it's not to say that like we shouldn't teach our children or we should just like like we teach children basically to just stop to like it's not okay to have emotions it's not okay to

rage it's not okay to have a tantrum instead of saying here's a place to do this and here's how you do it safely so that you don't hurt your body or hurt other people, right? But we're just conditioned from a young age to shut down this very mechanism that is what allows us to feel the most alive and in our bodies. like clearing out the gunk and again this is another way of like you know releasing stuck energy in our kundalini system um

So the rage ritual is basically like committing to a practice of getting angry and moving your body in a way that dispels that anger with sound breath and movement. So I would recommend doing it like... once I don't it really depends on the person like I hesitate to like be perspective with it but I would say try it see how it feels see how it works for you it can also be really helpful to have like an ally or someone to do it with you someone that like

Because it can feel really uncomfortable. It does. The first time you're like. Yeah. Like I remember the first time I did it. I was like. I'm crazy. I'm an insane person. I was judging myself. Yeah, if anyone were to see this, they'd think I'm fucking nuts. But I stuck with it because of what I felt.

on the other side and so now like i just know when i need to do it like i just feel like it's built up i'm starting to like lash out at my husband for like no reason or like something actually happened and i need to like like i had a conflict with a friend i need to just go punch some pillows about it and like move that so i can actually go talk to her from a calm regular

space so for me now it's more and there are there are other tools that you can do too that help clear the nervous system like tre is another one that i really like um trauma release exercises it's a little less intense than rage ritual um it's also i i'm like i use it i'm not like certified in this i'm not an expert but From what I remember, my teacher teaching me was that it came from a scientist who was in the bunkers in World War II in London.

like when there were when there were bombing raids he was underground and it was like a bunch of families and he would notice that the kids were just like like it looked like they were having seizures they were just like naturally like twitching kind of and he was like what is that and then he would also notice that the kids weren't really affected at like they were like on with their day after the bombings whereas the parents and the adults were like

deeply stressed and basically what he realized is like that's like the gazelle like we're built the same way to release that trauma naturally from our bodies and the kids were just doing it and they weren't raging but they were allowing their nervous system to talk and so like I could literally

just do it right now i'm very sensitive but there are certain practices that can get you into it basically you kind of like exhaust your muscles it's really good to do after a workout okay and you kind of like i would say just look it up okay but like you kind of just lay down and you're just like you start your body just starts like

twitching and it's really fascinating that happens to me after every psychedelic experience yeah it is just the way that my body processes anything i'm holding on to so like that is my modality and it's not intentional the first time it happened it was so intense i used to see those videos the somatic work and think everyone was full of shit and i was so judgmental and i'm like they just want it they just want attention and then i did a really intense um mdma facilitation

a therapy I did a psilocybin one and it just kept happening and I'm moving in this way I'm like I just wanted to stop this is so embarrassing and I like just let it like let your body do what it's doing and it happened the other day after I some like cbd oil on and i went to go to bed and sometimes because there's still some levels of thc in the plant it can actually like trigger it's like once you do psychedelics that channel is now available so if you do something it kind of like turn it on

And I woke up and it was the most intense experience. And I'm like, I can't stop. And I like I'm by myself. And how do I ground? And it was really scary. But I'm like, obviously, something needs to be released. And I don't know what's happening and just don't overthink it. But it's.

very real and again if anyone's judging i don't judge your judgment because i was on that side too but i'm telling you it is powerful and it's a real thing it's so powerful i also do it naturally like after sex my body just goes we'll shake a little bit yeah like especially my knees and my legs we'll just like mine too especially if it was like really good sex it's like that's healing like

that's rewriting your nervous system the fucking is healing you and now it's like that's what's happening yeah i was like why is this happening this is so weird yeah there are ways to like they say put on the brakes like so if you have that and you're like i need to like stop or it's getting overwhelming

because it's kind of like a workout your body is like moving itself um but basically you just kind of like go like this with all of your like you put your like legs straight up in the air and like flex it and then put it down and that helps relax it and stop it interesting yeah yeah i'm gonna try that because sometimes it is too much right you're like this is yeah this is beyond my threshold yeah another tool i just remembered around nervous system that i would

recommend like you kind of asked a while back like how would you like regulate your nervous system there's a thing in my friend group called the leola sigh and it's just a vocal exhale like this is so good for you to do they say that one and i don't know where i got this from but someone told me this or i read in a book i don't remember um but one vocal sigh is the equivalent of like 10 minutes of meditation. Wow. Yeah. And so it's like.

which i really feel um and it's uncomfortable at first i was in a group i was on like a business mastermind a couple weeks ago and i was around a bunch of women that were new and they're like i want to like i want to try it and so they started to do it and at first they're like oh it's so awkward but But then by the end of the weekend, we all went home and I was getting texts like, I'm Leola sighing in the airport. And it's like so good. It just like naturally like releases any.

any tension that you're holding in that moment it's my favorite see I didn't know that my second pregnancy I would just do it and I'm like it was very out of character wasn't something i had done before but i would find myself just sighing in line or something like in public and people would just look at me i was like what i'm just like that's not like that weird but i guess it is but um yeah it's i found that to be a cathartic

Yeah. I tell my five-year-old to do that all the time. I call it a lion's breath. It's like, can you do a lion's breath? And I'm like, ah. Oh, I love that lion's breath. That's so cute. And it matches with your name, actually. So it's the same thing. Yeah. I love that you're teaching.

daughter this stuff it's like son or son yeah i love that you're teaching your children this it's like it's so son it's so healing like as an adult to see parents that are really empowering their kids in such a way it's really healing well it's insane that we prioritize reading before understanding how your body works or your nervous system or your breath Or like movement. We don't, we don't.

teach them that. So, um, I mean, I found a really good school and they do like yoga at three and they teach them breath work. Like those are what we should prioritize. It's just, it's a cool little Montessori program. Yeah. Where you live. Okay. I'm like in Austin.

I'm sure there's some here too. There's so many options now for parents that it is amazing. You don't have to just rely on the public education system. If you want it, it is out there, especially in Austin because I'm trying to move here.

And I was just looking at a bunch of schools. I'm like, where do I need to be to find the best place for my littles? So yeah. Sweet. Love that. Yeah. Regulate yourself before you learn all of the other stuff. The other things are bells and whistles. So powerful. So true. Before we wrap up, do you want to tell...

the listeners if you have any retreats coming up like self-promote um where they can follow you all of that good stuff yeah absolutely so that retreat that you were mentioning that you're like this looks great that's the tantra love retreat so that one actually happens twice a year um our next one is in a couple weeks

And then we'll have one in September again. So we typically do one in the spring and one in the fall. And then once you do the level one, we also have a level two available. And then I also have retreats for women. And the next women's retreat is.

Um, it's in august 8 8 to 8 11 it's called pleasure portal so really powerful to be again like surrounded by women that are really open-minded and working together to co-regulate our nervous systems and working with sensuality and healing our relationship to sexuality and it's also over lion's gate which for the spiritual babes is like apparently the best time to manifest of the year it's when the sun is in in leo and it's in alignment

with like the star sirius and earth or something like that i'm not like super into astrology but i feel it for those that are yeah yeah yeah amazing well yeah i'm i'm hoping i can attend one or both because i'm like this is right up my alley and it's been calling to me for a while thank you so much everyone check out the book i will make sure i link it below hit like subscribe follow give us five stars follow our lovely guest and i'll see you next episode thank you bye everybody