Wife's Story of Abuse - Fear to Freedom

it. Right now, people that have experienced it or have advice to give, what advice would you give this courageous woman comes on and gives what advice she has, you know, the things that she learned through the process, the things that she would give guidance to others that are not sure whether they're in it or right in the middle of the worst of it, what do I do? What, Where do I go? Well, I can't thank you enough for being here. I know how hard this has to be for you to want

to share this. Yes. The only reason you want to share this is to help. And so it's a hard topic, extremely hard topic, even for me to talk about just because it it hurts my spirit even thinking about it. And it's it's about abuse. And it's out there. It's real. It's happening in marriages, relationships. I have my friend here today, and she has her story which she would like to share with you. Yes. Where shall we start? We can start at the beginning. We knew what I wanted to ask you. Yeah.

When you were growing up? Was there any abuse at all? There was not mental, emotional, physical, mental, from my mom, for sure. And my dad worked workaholic all the

time. And my mom had gone through a lot with her first marriage, she was beaten. My dad was also an alcoholic and hurt her. He quit drinking when I was born, because she was going to reload. So I never saw my dad drink ever. And so he, you could tell he had an addictive personality and the way that he would want to work all the time. He wanted to stay busy at night, things like that. He over drank coffee a lot. But I never saw the physical abuse as much. I did see. My mom and dad fight a

lot. Lots of verbal stuff from my dad. I remember them sitting us both down and they were going to get a divorce. And I just told her you ate. Oh, wow, you remember that? Oh, yeah. And I just remember me and my sister just bawling. No, we, you know, we can't do this and said they stayed together. We saw him get angry. But like, I had a mentally handicapped sister who had to live with us. And she was 1617 years older than I was. And she was a handful. And my dad just took her in. And so I saw

that side of him. Yeah. And I remember the day she died, he was heartbroken. heartbroken. And it was on 18th birthday. And I get real emotional about this because I had never seen my dad cry out. And he cried. And yeah, so I didn't see it. So who was she to you? She was my mom's daughter from a previous marriage. So she was not my dad. Okay, so your mom, your mom had how many kids prior 777 Kids prior to getting married to your dad? So she had seven kids? Yes. And then that your dad?

Yes. And my dad had three kids. And he had three kids? Yes. And they were all adults. I never lived with any of them except for my sister. Yeah. And she was never got past. I mean, she did all the hurt my mom's kids, because they had lived in a very abusive environment. Yeah. And they they had some things that needed to happen. Like, yeah, some hospitalizations and such. And my dad just kind of took them on. Yeah, that's that's a big responsibility. That's that's a

lot of love for your mom. Yeah. Seven kids. Yeah, it takes a special man. I want to do that. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, this was this was a big one because she lived with us. She passed away on her 35th birthday. And this was my birthday, I had left to go get my boyfriend for birthday breakfast. And my mom because she was making this big breakfast and my sister always love big breakfast. So she went to go get her and found her. She had had a seizure during the

night. And there was devastating everybody because everybody, you know, we had hard life because of her but that definitely affected you and carried you into your adulthood and dealing with that. Yes. Um, so a lot of me ask you this, and I have no idea. This is just just curious, just from what I've heard so far. Did you Get Married to escape a little bit.

Um, probably, probably. I wanted to get out of the house, I wanted to, I wanted babies badly, I wanted a family, I wanted a family that I could create. Uh huh. That didn't have pain in it. It didn't have you know, an even though those are natural pains that we have with people passing away. I lived with it, because my mom didn't have me till she was 41. And I

had my sister at 42. So, arranger early in life, you know, we were losing grandparents, we were lives and siblings, and almost all of my siblings have passed, but to. And so I've, that's, that's, there's just gonna be so hard. Yeah. How do you deal with death? I mean, you have to get to a point. And you saw, I mean, in a way you see it coming? Right? You know, there's so much older. Yeah,

my role. And me and my little sister, I've had to come together, because we're the ones that kind of help deal with it. So I'm the one that like when my sister passed away, and he, to this day, you know how to how to tell him this is, you know, she's not gonna make it. We can go through ECMO, which is bypassing the heart. There's lots of things that we can do. But the end result is it's not looking good. And I we had great doctors that I knew personally.

And I mean, this sister was like our mom, she was 17 years older than when I was born. So she helped raise us my mom was more of the grand mom figure. And, and we decided to go in. And I remember talking to the nephrologist, and saying, you know, my brother in law said it's decision that says mine. I don't want to live with it. You don't want to live with that. Yeah, yeah. And he said, you know, we want to kind of shut everything off. And I just remember the nephrologist. Yeah,

you know, yeah. And she passed

quickly. I was married to someone I had been married, probably, gosh, this point 1720 years. And when this was happening, yes. And I was at the hospital with and I had to leave the kids a lot, because the hospital realm is my realm as the sibling. And I remember, the second day when we were going to pull everything off. He was very, your husband at the time, my husband at the time was very helpful the day before, okay.

And then the next day when we were having to pull things off, and I needed to be there with my family. I remember him saying you need to come and come home and be a wife and a mother. You need to leave the hospital and, and I just remember going wow, that because my sister, right. But that's kind of how our whole marriage when it's been kind of set up, I can see the tone, right. But I just remember that no, because he knew how close I was to her. And I had to go to my

family and go. He's telling me I gotta get home. I gotta take care of the kids. And I remember them looking going. And there were already some things going on before that my siblings for like, huh, huh? Okay, did they have an idea that you were abused in your marriage? They knew the date. We had dated for a couple years before we even got engaged. And then we were engaged for three. Okay, almost four, because I was I

wasn't sure. Because I was seeing his family dynamics within his own house that were very different than there was a lot of physical abuse, a lot of physical abuse. But he didn't want to look at that. It didn't want to look at that. Red flag. Yeah. Right. His he started with the emotional and I'll say that and I remember our first date, he went partying with his friends and completely forgot

me. I sat at home dressed ready to go at a certain time that he said he was going to pick me up and like six or seven hours later, he calls him like, Okay, well, I can come get you now. Am I remember going? No, no, I'm okay. I'm okay. And so we didn't go out. And then there were a few other times where he had but he was drinking a lot. And I remember it's his family members. And I remember my sister in law looking at me while we were dating going, you are not made for this family.

She's telling me oh, yeah. She all the time was like, You need to go and in a loving way. Like, yeah, you need to go and know. You because I kept asking questions about certain things that were happening and his family did not want questions. I was like the loudmouth. I was seeing a lot of abuse in different ways. He's, and I'm like, This is nuts. And it just it was things like that, that were happening that I ended up

breaking, breaking it off. And so on his 21st birthday, and I literally, I didn't call him this before Have a try to call it was like that codependent type stuff and just can't see not, I can't do this anymore. And I told my mom, my, you know, my dad, I remember him coming to the house to apologize to my parents, and to say he would never drink again, that he was just not going to drink again. And he didn't, he didn't. And we still there was still this underlying. Like, he would have

a bad day at work. And he would come see me and then he would be pissed off about something, like just mad and throwing things. And I'm like, okay, so I just took it. I mean, at that point, I'm like, I'm just gonna, the less I say the better it is. And then later, he'd finally say, Well, I had a big fight with. So I'm like, okay, so then everything would be better, because then he'd feel bad that he just gave, you know, but that

was happening quite a bit. And I remember when he asked my dad to get engaged, because I was still just the dating phase that I was seeing all this stuff, okay. And I remember my dad sitting there, which I thought it was very odd at the time, nother red flag. If you ever beat her, I will kill you. I mean, that's like, if I had to say that. That is the strangest thing, right. It's just the strangest thing, but

red flag red flag, red flag. So anyway, might when my dad said that I was like, oh, that's just really weird. 21 literally dropped his friends. His friends were everything to him, and did not drink. So then we ended up getting married way, your husband at the time. Quit drinking. For him from 21 to 35. He didn't drink anything. Except like Oh, duels, you are kidding me all the way home. Now. We weren't here yet. But I still was seeing a less aggressive like, I remember

being in our apartment. In my, my parents were gonna come over. And he did not like that one little bit. And I'm like, so I come home. Like I guess it's not a good time. You can't come over and him getting upset that I had done that. And he threw his wallet at me. And he was like, you just need to get out. You need to get out. And at that point by Mike, we weren't really even fighting over anything. So then I made my mom and to come

over. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah. And they took me away. And he was get out of my, you know, my everything was his everything was his. And so I left and I think that was the first time that my mom got a true inkling of everything that and then my dad passed away. You know, a little later on, I think that year, but I just remember my mom going, you know, this isn't right. I said, I know. But she didn't make it as big of a deal because of what she had been through. And I don't know that

she ever got the aha moment. She was gonna leave my dad but it was because she now had babies. And so I am questioning that a little bit other than her history of hers was hers was pretty aggressive. Not that there's any volume of abusiveness. So then we started having kids, and he wasn't drinking, I was homeschooling. And but he still would, like I was I had a lot of kids and a short amount of time I was trying, you know, so I was like, so tired. And I was still working at the hospital on

nights. And, you know, they always say like, there's two sides of every story, but But honestly, like for your side, what could have you done better? I think at that time, I was immature. Because I was not

drinking either. I mean, I was like, I'm going to help this this you know, we're gonna make this skit I think because my kids were showing two of them specifically were showing some big signs of anxiety that I was just trying to push them up HashMap because it wouldn't get it would just be him upset that he came home at four and was hungry and dinner wasn't done at four when the day before it was six and he would be fine with that but he would empathy at the end of the day almost every time

it's like why got in the argument over business but he wasn't okay with take you know, doing I guess talking to the people in the situation he would come home and wasn't understanding his feelings maybe no one ever taught him how no Express and deal with his feelings. That's really the number one problem is sounds to me not only like generational Yeah, you know, passed down I hate to some people say generational curse, but it's not a curse. It's a condition that we all have it in everybody's

families. It's something we we wouldn't be here on Earth. Yeah, we, if we were going to have it perfect. Everybody's going through shit. Right. Right. And so that I was just trying to smooth everything over, you know, at each time is my my sister was noticing two of my kids having major anxiety. And she had seen the screaming and yelling, maybe at not a level that would have be just us

at home. But even when we would go to her house, and I would, you know, start talking about but I wouldn't tell her everything. Because, you know, it's my choice to stay in this. You know, I did you ever tell anybody everything at that time? Or do you do stifle and shut down? There was a lot of times, like with my family, when there would be Thanksgiving, Christmas, and we were going to go there, he would find a reason to get upset with me and just say he wasn't going to go, he just wasn't

going to go. And in my mind, I was like, I don't want my kids to not have you know, their dad with them. Please come then I'd start the bagging process. No, come on. I've already told my family we're going and he literally, finally I'd push them out. But he'd be so angry. And my kids saw. I mean, the thing about this is kids see everything. They hear

everything. And so then I started having more kids and it started to get or he would say things to bring me in he knew the triggers because I had told them you know, dancing is really hard, especially at the college level. And so you were weighed in front of everybody your physique was always talked about and and he knew that that was an issue for me. And at that time, I was very girls insecure about something. Right, right. And so he would get mad,

and he told me I was fat. That was like the big thing he because I knew that. He knew Yeah, that would hurt. It would have been so many years that he had done small things to hurt me. And it wasn't hurting me anymore. Because I remember one Christmas time, he was adamant he didn't want me he was like totally angry driving. And he said, I'm just gonna go to this donut place. And I remember I said get out. And I parked in the donut place. Set, he set Christmas in there. And I went

to my family's house. And that was the first time that my family was like, where, you know, where is he? Like it ever spend Christmas with your family? Always having a fit beforehand. So I think in general, he wanted to isolate me at home, just with us and our kids. So going on a little bit further. We removed and 35 He was like, You know what? I think? You know, I can start socially drinking now. I was like, Well, I mean, I had missed it. So okay, so did you move to a new town? Yes. Okay.

Very small town. And we started getting socializing with people that drank a lot. And I'm not gonna say I didn't like him. We were having fun. We were having fun. But then I was starting to the friends I was having, we're talking about stuff that was going on in their marriage. And that, you know, a little hit here and there, you know, he was mad. And I was like, whoa, whoa. So then I'm already inept in this because he would always tell me, you will have no money, you I will take the kids from

you. You will be alone forever. And when you're so beat down, those are the things that you hear. And because I wasn't talking to a professional who was saying, now, now, he can't do that legally, legally, he can't do that. And I just remember every as I wanted to leave him for years, for years and years and years, that that's kind of and that's why you did it. I did it. And I thought I don't want my kids to have divorced parents. Yeah. And that's, I mean, honestly, who

does? Right? But that's not something you know, it was a year that I was getting to the point of I was seeing so much anxiety within me and other people were seeing it like my sister started seeing it and she's like, it's better if you're to separate Get away, get away and because they know they see they know. And so I was like well okay, but then it was when my sis that was that one day in the hospital when he could not

have enough compassion. He just wanted me home and taking care of the kids and doing what I was supposed to do. And not coming back and thinking to himself I should do this for her this will make her life easier for her very empathetic no and and so that was like the big wow that's really messed up and so the I want to leave Scott even more his control and holding and saying, you know your your kids are gonna hate you. Because at that point, he was coaching everything. And so I just remember

Okay, let me ask you this. So this time, y'all were 35 ish. That's when started drinking. And then that's when he started. Did you see more physical along with that controlling personality is that when it came out there was pushing, there was some pushing me out of the way when he was angry. It was a lot of him storming out of the house, there was, you know, a lot of jealousy, which we can

get back to later. But so coming back here to the small town that we came into, we started getting in with friends that were encouraging some immorality and some stuff like that. And I was so beat up that, you know, I did I mean, I'm not ashamed to say this, because I people who talk to me, I try to be as transparent as I can. But yeah, there was definitely infidelity. I don't blame the entire fall of the marriage to sup feel so good to get that out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You

just said that. And I feel relieved for you. Because I know, a lot of people will say things, but you lived what you live. Right. And you were a participant, right? You aren't naive to the realities of what everything was going on. And you're willing to own that. Right. And, you know, at the time, I just was wanting out. And so I knew that that was the one thing that he would leave me for. I think when there's infidelity involved, there's always an inkling you

act differently. You know, you do you did just wasn't sure, like, how long has it been over for you and your head? Like, maybe it could have been years? Right. You know, see, this was, but I do know, you know, that you probably couldn't handle keeping that inside either. Well, when we moved to the smaller town, I thought things would

change. I thought newness, you know, new friends, you know, because before, we didn't really have friends, I just really had my sister because everything, you know, everything was very controlled within our household about what, who, who came over, you know, what was seen. So I really thought that change would be a good change. But it's still kind of continued. And so that's when I was like, nothing's gonna

change this. There's not anything that's going to change this, and and probably four years, five, maybe six years, and I was like, I got to be done. Alright, I'm gonna ask you another really hard question. Yeah. Cuz things get complicated in a marriage. Right? Right. It is wacky. Yeah. And but Are you still having sex with him at this time? Like, did you go years? Like I know, people that have been married for years, and they don't have sex, right? And

it works for them? Right? I don't know how but no, I mean, the passion and desire and sometimes that's what the only thing you're good at, right? No, I'm, we were drinking a lot. And so it wasn't, but we'd be completely wasted. And it would just happen. Given that, honestly, that's how I contribute. I didn't think of it as anything else. There was no forcing upon anything like that. Yeah. So that went on, I finally told him, and my sister was an

integral part of that. Because before all this, let me back up a little bit. Because after years of being we had a child who was having some major changes going on with him, and I was noticing the changes, but I had never did drugs. So I didn't know what to really look for. I just knew that he was going out with friends, maybe not coming home. So I was seeing, you know, noticing some stuff during these years that I'm contemplating. And I just remember my sister gone, we got to get him out

because we gave him a test. You know, it was just marijuana at the time. But then I really started seeing some major changes, like like what, like, failing in school and ditching school staying out all night. What about physical, very thin, got very thin. But I still still, you know, just his behavior was in this is your old eldest, okay? He'd become very erratic, very physical. And so I remember, me and my sister are sitting down with my husband at time going, we can't do this on our own

anymore. I mean, we got it, we gotta get him help. And he was like, I don't want anybody to know about this. No one can know about this. My family can't know about this. And I'm just like, at that point, I was whoever would listen, because I'm like, I got to get help for him. And his dad wouldn't help me find anything. So I took off a week of school and found places that you know, I felt was a good fit for, you know, in an outpatient.

So we started that my son would to something, we would go to a parenting thing at the same time and then come back together as a family. So it was very involved. And that took, I just remember, you know, my husband at the time was, you need to just do this stuff by yourself. There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing, you know, and I'm like, Okay, well, so I would go sometimes just by myself. And, and so, yeah, I've changed things around. Yeah. And I mean, I'm like, we got to get this

together for him, you know? And yeah, I mean, just going on date nights. I remember giving him podcast that had really helped me discover who I was, because at this point, he thinks I'm going nuts. Yeah, I mean, he thinks because I started being, you know, felt good about myself. And he didn't like that, um, and he but he did start listening to the podcast, but it's like, everything that he would try was very short lived, very short lived. And then I remember, we call it the night

in my family. And where we had gone to my sister's and watched a movie, everything was, you know, great. And going back home, and me going to bed, him sitting up drinking some more. And he had had looked at my phone, okay, and there was, no matter how many times I would erase stuff, and that's part of the infidelity. The guy would text me. And so he got one of those, it wasn't me and exchanging a text it was and out of a sleep out of, you know, he pulled me off the bed by my

hair. And, you know, threw me on the ground. And I'm like, what's going on? And he said, I have your phone, I have your me, he is raging at this point. And I'm like, well give me my phone. And he was like, note, and then I could see he was starting to calm down. And so I just was being quiet. Because if you say anything, when he was in this kind of temperament, you were never going to win a he was never going to see your point of view be. I just wanted to stop because I saw his eyes looked

crazy. And he would not give me my phone. He threw me across the bedroom, over the bed. And I was like, you've got to stop. You've got we had kids in the house. They were starting to wake up. He goes to the door because he hears my daughter going, mom, dad, dad, dad, because I was saying, Give me I need to get out of here. And so he goes and locks the door. And my kids are screaming, banging on the door. And I He then proceeds it's good. 30 To 40 minutes of him just throwing me around the

room. Crying me throwing me in the bathtub. Yeah, throwing me in the bathroom, throwing me in the closet telling me to eat dog food like a dog I am. And so I just he finally shut the door of the closet. And I'm like, Okay, I'm just gonna be quiet. I'm gonna wait till he leaves. And because at that point, I'm thinking he's gonna kill me. I mean, he as as a long term,

girl. Yeah. As my kids are banging on the door, and he's opening it while I'm in the closet going not just go back to your room, Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Go back to room and my daughter was like, no, no. And she was young. She was young. So he locks the door. Again, they're banging. And he takes him back out of the closet, he puts my head up against the tile and starts punching my head against the tile, and then throws my head

down on the tub. And and then I am just sitting there just going, stop, you know, give me I need to get out of here. And he pulls me back up and throws my head on the sink of the kitchen. I mean of the bathroom. And I just lie on the floor. And I'm like, I'm just going to act dead. Maybe, you know, he'll get enough away from me where he is going to at least get scared. You did? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. I just I'm like, if I'm just not moving, maybe he will second think if he kills me, that's gonna be a big problem for him. Yeah. And he backed up a little bit, I was able to run to the door, unlock it and get out. And by that time, my middle son and my oldest son wasn't there. But my middle son and my youngest son ran out to our yard. And they may have they may have so this was they were getting pretty old. So they

probably had a cellphone. They called my brother in law, and said, You got a we can't get Mom. He's, she's screaming and crying and dad is upset. And I remember my middle son coming in. And he had never shown any aggression or anger, especially to their dad. And I remember because he knew they knew the yes. I mean, they had seen it plus when he beat them, like a spankin. Like, Oh, way too hard. I'll get to that. I'll get to

that. And so I remember my middle son coming in and going stay the fuck away from my family yelling at his dad. He had never, I mean, he was the football star and his dad coached and never had I heard him talk like that. And he never talked like that. Yeah, but he literally was like, stay away from that fucking family. But I

mean, he was like the hero. And so we ran out into the street, as he had called my brother in law, my brother in law had come in by this time I was covered in blood was my shirt sisters, sisters. And so he picks it picks us up at the mailbox. And I go back, we go back to the house, because the brother in law thought he could calm him down. Okay. And by that time, his brother was there. All they were thinking about how they had to keep me from getting any part of the company. That was that

was it? And I mean, even the brother looking at me had no, oh my God. That's what the conversation was, while he had we're have blood all over you. Yeah. Okay, is they need to get an attorney, because they cannot have me being any part. Because at that point, I was done. I mean, I was done. So I go, I remember going to my, to my sister's house, and she said, Are you finally going to leave him? Is this Yeah, this is gonna

be it's gonna be it. And I just remember laying with my daughter not sleeping at all going, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? So the next day, I was supposed to have lunch with one of my really good friends. And I just had to call her and go, you know, not gonna happen. And I don't feel well. And just in her voice. She was like, I'm coming wherever you are. Yeah. And I didn't tell her anything. She came by and she saw me by this time, all dried and my hair and my face was swell and I

busted lip. I hate where the where are the cops? Where were you? This? So this is I called an attorney. And she said, do not do anything. We didn't hold on. So your face just got beef. Right? Your sons went out there called the cops. No, they called my brother called the brother in law, the brother in law picked him up, they went on a ride just wanted to give us get us to a safe place. Okay, so what happened? Like, you were at the house during this time?

And then the and then somebody called the ambulance knew did it was no, no, no, you didn't go the hospital. I just wanted to get my kids. This was like, three, four o'clock in the morning. So I just wanted, all I was thinking about is getting my kids someplace safe. Yeah. And so I spent the night with my, with my sister, we all spent the night there. And I called an attorney the next morning, and she said, before I can do anything with you have got to go

make a report. And in my mind, because my mind was very sick at this point was like kids are gonna grow up with a dad in prison. I mean, I deal with like, things that work. And there is a stigma with that. And I did I want my kids to go through that. I did go to the police, with my, with my friend at the time. And like, I didn't realize how bad it was until I walk in. I said, I think I need to talk to someone. And they

were like, Yes, sit down. But God, you know, detective in there, he was like, What just happened to you? And I, you know, I went through it. And he was like, Okay, what I need you to do is I need you to what do they call it? Where you want them arrested? Like, press charges, press charges on him. And I was like, I mean, you get to when you are a woman who has been beaten down for so long. I'm still in my head thinking No, I just want to divorce them. I just I just want this. I just

need to make a report. Yeah, I just want to be done. I don't want to receive again, if I ever, if you find me dead, you know, the person that probably did it is kind of what I thought the whole thing was going to be right. And he you know, he continued to look at me and he's like, Okay, let me put it to you in a different way. We will go get your kids and they will be taken away from you. And I lost

it. I mean, I was like, because even though I was gonna keep my kids away from him, yeah, he was like, I'm putting, I'm putting the pressure on you because he knew that. He knew that if you if you're not gonna protect you, right? You're not protecting the kid, right? And he didn't know if they're beating, he's beating the kid right? And so on at that time, my husband to be was beating my oldest four because we couldn't

get him to stop using drugs. So I remember one night specifically beating the crap out of him for like 30 minutes and I was banging on the door going you've got to stop. You've got to stop. This is not what the he just thought beating the shit out him was gonna beat him out of the drugs. I'm not real sure. He He's always called it the wrath of Jesus being just so angry at the sin that he just lose it. So I never knew Jesus beating anyone like that. He's the one that got beat.

Yeah. So, um, so I was like, okay, alright, so I had, you know, he had been texting me all morning long. I want to see my kids. I want to see my kids and he just kind of ignored them. And the detective said, and he thought you were at your sister's? Yeah. Okay. And I said, I don't want him arrested

in front of my kids. Those were just some things just as I was trying to protect them, and they said you need to text them that you're going to meet them someplace, and you're staying here and I'm having a cop Get them. And that's what happened is I said, I'll meet you this, this place was a cop there that got him. And I think at that point, what the cop said was, he knew he had gotten bested, he knew that that was probably going to be the end game to

this. So then detectives went to my house, and they were floored. They were floored, the bathroom had been tried to be half cleaned. But still, even with that there was blood all over it, it looked like a crime scene. I mean, the detective told me that. So they collected everything. And that's where the whole starting of the process started going into play. Because at this point, I had a restraining order on him. So he

wasn't to see the kids. And he, I guess, this whole divorce thing went over a year, and it was him sending private investigators following me. So every move I made, I thought I was going to be followed. But I also knew getting our attorneys. And I was having, you know, system log text me who I was dearly close to trying to intervene. Come on, you don't want to do this. You know, don't put your family through this

kind of stuff. And then finally just kind of stopped listening, you know, cuz I was like, alright, this isn't gonna stop. I knew for sure I was leaving. He would I still had a little bit of hope, for integrity. And she said, Okay, and I remember the night before our first court date. And my oldest was there, he had friends that I'd made this huge dinner and, you know, then went to bed and he had gone to bed. And I got ready for I mean, I literally was I was a

basket case. Because but because I did go to the Hays County Caldwell women's shelter, and with the counselor there, she was giving me a little bit of my fight back. Because even though I kept going, but yes, but there wasn't I kept going back to what I had done wrong. And she was like, no, no, I mean, statistics show 95 to 97% of abused women like this. Do that to get out of I don't know that stuff to get out of that whole statistic again. Yes. She was telling me

like high 90s 95 to 97%. She said you don't know how many women sit in that chair and go I needed out so bad. And I knew this would do it. The infidelity? Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Because you know that that's humiliation for a very prideful person. And so she started not that it was right. And I will never ever say it was but she was like, Nope, nothing you could have done right ever in your life, does it? Warren doesn't deserve that. And so anyway, the date of the court, I

laughed. And I'm nervous. You know, we get there. I'm sitting there. We're taking a pause. We thought it was appropriate, just to keep our private. Thank you for understanding. Because I could have used my oldest sense so easily as a witness or Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So that was a rough one. That was a rough one. And so then, you know, after that court date, yeah, mediation going on, like most separate couples, you think maybe you can try to get back

together. We tried, like a couple and it was like, you know, I mean, I was physically nauseated. When I would go out to dinner. I mean, it was just getting to a point I had been away from him. Do you after that? i Oh, right. I mean, you got your kids begging. But then, you know, I was going through the counseling system. I was getting my kids counseled. And I remember this counselor saying you are hurting them worse, by this whole trying to try it out again. You know, it's

done. admit to yourself, it's done and to a lot of therapy. I did. I mean, it was I still get triggered by someone screams at me. And I'm working through that. Because if they're screaming at someone else EMDR I'm For Real with everything you know, some situations you've been in I like get angry for you. That's why I haven't talked spoke to a lot of women regarding this because I've got to get some more. You're very emotional and it is it's so fresh girl it is and it's been years.

It's been years and I still when I hear it, I want to go into protective mode over whatever it is if it's someone who's kids going through a drug situation or marital abuse my feelings are still so high that I haven't done a lot doing something like this is better because I'm not talking to one person and they're not telling me their

story. Yeah, but I'm still trying to process how to help someone when they're telling me because then I introvert my experience into their eyes and that doesn't help. So now you're visualizing this person out there right now. And we know who you are because we can feel it. Right. And you hadn't heard it yet. You're hearing it now. And what do you want to tell this person or man, you know, there's, I feel for them.

Because when this started happening, my husband then was still partying with all of what we consider our friends. I know, the stories that were being sad, some of them are true, some of them not very much exaggerated on some of them. So I, my safe place was my bubble. Like, going to the grocery store. I mean, I had anxiety about doing anything and everything. Yeah, any attention on myself, whether it be good and award I was getting, I did not want anybody I didn't

want to be seen. I know. I just wanted to date. Those people that are listening. We didn't know each other families weren't intermingled. So I didn't know any of this story. But I loved her so much, because we had so much in common and we love to work out. And we have the same age kids. And it was great. But I couldn't imagine what happened to you. Because then I see you at a store. Right? And I had seen you a couple of months ago, and everything was fine. And we're like, hey, like normally Hey,

what's up? What's up? I see you in the store. And I didn't know who you were. Because the way he looked at me. It was like, You were literally just I went I thought to myself, I could feel it on you. I was like, there is some major shit going on. Going down with her. And I knew that. And I prayed for you right there, girl. Yeah, I did. I knew something bad was and I didn't know. And I didn't hear i Nobody I knew talked about that. Right? So but I was still being told he

was bashing me. And so I didn't know who knew what, or who just was just felt weird about the situation, because now there used to be a couple is no longer but they're friends. And so I and I had really tried, especially except for people that would talk to me. And I would encourage anybody. If you know something is going on in someone's life, it is okay to just go up and go, Hey, you look drawn in is everything. Okay? Is anybody that did that? I was

like, real with them? Were those were there people that did do that. Didn't ask you that there was I mean, I had my really good friends. I have my high school friends. There's five of us. They knew everything. And there may have been one other person that came up and asked me, How are you doing? Other than that? It was just everybody was just so uncomfortable. Yeah. And then, you know, a year pass. You know, I start hearing how my kids are being affected. Because I'm

hearing things. They're in high school now. All football, everybody is competitive. And from what I'm hearing is kids, high school kids we're hearing from their parents. No, yeah, what they were. And I just really caution that because my kids were being said some things from other AI kids are brutal. They're brutal. And they didn't deserve that. Yeah. So and her kids are the ones that they were witnesses and all this that didn't nothing they don't deserve.

Right. So they were hearing things and because families didn't understand everything that encompass this situation. What happens is, is people were going to take sides, right, and then they're gonna defend their side. Right? And they're going to talk I wonder what happened. They got to be this whole who's gonna win who's Yeah, who's better? Who's worse? And that does zero. Good. Let's just say you are worst, right? Beat the shit out your blood everywhere. And you're worse

right? Then what? Yeah, okay, right. Right. He's worse. Yeah. Then what? Yeah. Then what you do is there is forgiveness on both parts. Sure. And there is love. Right, but there's no winning here. Right. Everybody fucking lost. Yeah. A marriage. Right. Parents staying together. Yeah. Yeah. And I think people perceived it. And some were, you know, reality of how their marriage and family was some later on may have found it was a little skewed. But

perception. I think when you hear bad things, it makes you feel better until you've been in that situation until you feel so much better about yourself. They're probably saying, Yeah, Lisa didn't do right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, we still didn't get caught. Yep. And that's one thing you asked me when a day reach out to God. Yeah. During me, we went to church as a family. But it was very religious. Very because what was happening inside of our home and happening inside of other

people. His homes that I witnessed, they were going to church every Sunday. So that got very skewed for me. Yeah, a little bit. And so I did not I, it's not I, it was too much wound. My My sister had passed away this was going on. My kid was, you know, struggling with? Yeah, it's not I mean, there was it was like a survival mode. I mean, I was just trying to piece

things together. And so I don't know that I had the strength in me because I was still fighting, because the counselors when you go there when it comes to abuse, they make you a fighter. Yeah, they, that's all they want you to do. They don't want you forgiveness is not in the word power. There's, it's you we're gonna fight you are brave woman do not go back to him. I mean, you, you just so I was a fighter. I mean, I just was like, that's, that's what I was

gonna do. And then after all this, and I'm still always in the process of it, you know, I, for some reason for a job, it was an interviewing med students to go into metal medical school. And it was, I mean, you interviewed 170. But in the process of that you have to learn about conscious and conscience biases. Conscious is when you know, right, you know, right, and you just can't help I really started thinking about this and what I was hearing the

community say. And I was like, well, maybe they have this bias that they're just not even aware of, maybe they grew up, you know, in a certain religion where that was light, and they just haven't, like, consciously realized that that's something that she they struggle with. So I sat down, like, What a weird course to take this situation, because we were interviewing peoples of different cultures. And, you know, maybe someone has an M bias, see some with a tattoo and is scared to death of

them. Then doing 160 170, maybe even more, I think I got extra ones at the end. But I was having to exercise that and re train yourself, retrain myself to do it. Do I still have them? Absolutely. Do I constantly have to go? Whoa, let's go back. You know, let's go back. Is there anything that you're feeling right now? What makes you afraid of that person? But I was praying, I was praying for forgiveness of what I had done. That was the hardest one, believe it or not?

forgiving yourself? Yeah, I'm now because if we don't feel like we deserve it, no. And so and that's what I have to re pray about. More than any other every day, you gotta wake up, forgive yourself every day. Right? And I remember meeting with, you know, my now ex, even with all that I can, you know, I don't blame myself for it anymore. That's not it. I'm still in the process of forgiving my ex, that's going to be probably an ongoing struggle, because I had never thought that

he that that would happen. Yeah. And it happened. Yeah. And it threw me off guard. Everything else was pretty patterned. Yeah, in the abuse. I mean, it was, I knew when I was saying something that, you know, he was he was getting, but that was something that I really, in my mind was like, he never do that. And so that I'm struggling with a lot. And but I go back to it, because I'll probably be doing that for the rest of my life. And same thing with forgiveness of myself. Do I feel guilty? Do I?

That's not so much it. It's thinking, because I may think someone thinks something about me. But they could just be thinking I like the dress she's wearing. It's way better than it was. It's way better than it was like I would if I said something, I would be thinking, gosh, they didn't take it the wrong way. And yeah, constantly, because the way you looked at me was almost like you the way you're looking at everyone. It looked like you thought we all knew something, right. And I'm

like, something's going on. And I don't know what it is. I'm praying over. Because all I was hearing was how much he was talking. Yeah. And I didn't know at that point. Why they like the whole world against you. Right down, right. And for me to go with the story of what happened to me. I was, if I said it, you wouldn't even know most people don't even know what to say. They would just be going shock, like complete

shock. And so it was hard for me to tell anybody because that shock in my world was, yeah, how could you stay in that? You know, and once again, you know, I beat myself up, and it wasn't, it wasn't their fault. But it's just a process that I will be going through, you know, just giving myself grace that they're not always talking or thinking about me. So where are you at today? A big change for me was

when I went out on a date with someone that is adored here. And I remember we were eating any He said he was talking about a gala. And he said, Hey, would you go to that with me? And I'm like, You have no idea who I am. I mean, that was my thought it was like, she has absolutely no idea. And I mean, right then and there, or I just mean, because of everything that had happened in the past. I was so like, everybody in the hole. Yeah, knew and like, I have someone who

absolutely doesn't know. And so, and I hated that make you feel I'm, like, scared, like worried, like you didn't want to go? No, are excited. I was exhilarated because I was the first person that was gonna get to tell him. I had an affair. I mean, that's the first thing I told him. I want you to know this, because you're asking me and I don't know if you know. And that's the first thing I said to him. You do? Yeah. And he thought it was bold already. Because I mean, I'm, I'm funny.

Yeah, most of the time. And yeah, I just remember him saying, Well, I just said, I just want you to know, because you're asking me to go with you to a very public place. And you're known. And you're down. Yeah. And I remember when people started finding out one person went up to him and said, you know, she had an affair. He was like, going, No, she told me the first date. And they were like, wow, you know, but it's, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I got to tell my own story. Can I have a video of

that? Yeah. Right. She was like, Oh, I was just trying to warn, yes. Don't worry. She already did. I mean, and that's how like, and when you finally get some, you know, with someone that treats you good. You don't know, you forget what it feels like. And so, well, I'm happy for you, women in your situation that you're in and struggling, struggling with insecurity right side. Yeah, has a hard time accepting, you know, that. It was I mean, it was, I felt like he was doing too much for

me. And he was just, you know, he loved me that much. I mean, he was like, when we saw each other every single day after that. I mean, every day, and I you know, if I remember was probably a year and a half before either one of us was away from each other. You know, because that was like he he wanted to be there and help, like, build me up. Are you married? Yes. When did you get married? got going on three years ago? Yeah. And we we were in love your life? Absolutely. Absolutely. I came out of

nowhere. Yeah. No, out of nowhere. I saw a Facebook thing on him about how wonderful this guy wasn't someone put down Oh, and by the way, he's single. And I was like, a man my own age. He's nice. And so I liked something on his page, like him in a suit. And he friended me, and I just I said, we should go out for coffee or something said, Okay. I mean, like, he's, he's very immediate. Yeah. In his responses. And I know this person and he could be the mayor. Yeah, people, ya know him and set up

meetings. That's right. That's right. So at first, I thought it was odd, because he just kept telling me how beautiful I was. And you know that he loved my heart. And I was so I remember when me and my expert first got together trying to get acceptance in him. I would go, I love you. I love you. I love you. And he was like, Are you trying to convince yourself red flag? Really? Yeah. Are you trying to convince yourself you love me? Yeah. Because I was he was that insecure?

I don't know. I would. I would say it'll I was insecure. I mean, I guess I was like, he I just wanted it back. Yeah. And I just remember him saying that. I'm like, What an odd thing to say. Yeah. But looking back on it. Hell yeah. That's what I was doing. Yeah, I was trying to convince myself, obviously, we have marriage problems. Now. We have to combine kids and families, which is puts in a whole other stripes. So so the struggles we have are more with that is

not with your relationship. It's just trying to manage the extra kiddos around right. And they're all older. They are they are so adept at all out of the house pretty much right. Right. But that's that's going to be a struggle. If you know, for a little while, and then it'll you know, uh huh. But other than that, we just, you know, live day by day and he loves to be around me. You're always together. You're

so cute. Yeah, anytime you see these dudes in public, they are just, there's people that can fake it and I can tell ya, men are not faking it. Right? And you do don't you truly love each other and he he knows raising his voice even if it's like, I'll you know, I'll be in the bathroom and something on drop. And I'm like, You can't do that. I've never heard that man even like speak above a bear whisper like you went opposite. Right? Right and And it was because he

thought I hurt myself. Yeah. And so I mean, it wasn't Oh, yeah, a bit it was like, but you can't do that. Because that what what comes with something a string of other things that he does not do? So yeah, it's been a process of accepting and he knows I adore him. He knows I think he's the most handsome guy ever the most loving, caring, so he feels the same way. So, yeah, it's just working through all that. That's okay. I'm so happy for you. I really am. I'm, it was sad to see you go through

all that, and struggle. And I didn't know all of this. And this whole podcast was a God thing. Just so everyone knows, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing. I had a inspiration thought, and it was over something else. And not this topic. Exactly. But this is what we needed to talk about today. And it's to help those that need it. There are so many people out

there that need to hear a friend, not tell them what to do, right? Because everybody's telling you what to do. Right? I want to hear you went almost through exactly what I went through. Now. What do you do right now tell me what to do. So right now, you know, we're probably going to sign off here in a little bit. And I want to think about, what are those top things that where would you have them go first? Who would you have them call first? About the

kids? And you wanted to go back the second time? And that's where the guilt? Yes, the guilt of what I had done. And maybe I'm the one that pushed it to this point. But once you talk to a counselor who has counseled a lot of women in here, or in this position, the red flags, no matter what I did, not even knowing it would have come to the same place maybe not as violent. Maybe not as

violent. But then it's an even talking with women, you know, her going through this because you know, I will tell them, you know, everyone should know this, if you are seeing red flags, regret if it's physical, emotional, have a plan to escape, because I didn't. And I know women who have had this plan, who they're going to call what they're going to text to have a safe person and go purse. And that means get to my house and come get me Okay, or pick one person that you fully trust.

I have to know one person you can trust. Yeah, your husband doesn't sees that word. They're not going to know, right what that word means. And when that word purse meant, what exactly? Like come get me or I'm coming to you? Or like what did it mean? Exactly like communication purposes? Come get me Come get me because I was gonna get me. I was looking my keys were taken away from me. There was no way I'd have to walk someplace and I don't want to be anywhere near me. I don't think I wouldn't even

think about that. See, there you go. Mean? isolations number one. So they will take your phone and they will take your keys. Okay, they want full control. Yeah. And so, or isolating and another extreme way like that. Right? Okay, right. So I would say, pick a safe person. Be honest with them. Even if you're not ready to leave yet. Let them know how bad it is. And don't be embarrassed. But have that route, have that route? Don't worry about having your clothes.

Don't worry, because when you leave a default, you'll get close. Yeah, that you're gonna get to stay. We're gonna make sure we you write in that your kids are always with you not to just he's not going to take the kids away from you. No, he's not him, you will get something in the settlement. You will get possession of your kids. But that's what they use to kin. This is general blanket. Yeah, like you have heroin needles hanging out of your arms. You're not going to get your kids

right. But there's a lot of people that are in the same situation. We hear about it all the time, because women think they get in stuck in these relationships. And they don't think they're worth it. Right. They think this is what life gave me. So this is what God wants me to. This must be my lesson. This is what makes me feel good. Because I've watched my mom do it. Right. This is no way of life for you know, and why? Just because you set those things up doesn't mean

you're going to do it. Yeah, but it makes you more confident. Does it makes you come worth it. Yeah, I'm worth it. Okay, that's my first step. I told someone Yeah, they know the word. Okay. I can go back something out there. It always starts out small and gets bigger. This got really big but no, where on earth. Is there a reason to hit a woman right? I mean, zero. Yeah. Okay. We did an episode a few episodes prior to this one and it was about a husband that had cheated on his wife. twice and

she forgave him twice. And that was their journey. And that's their story. And there are people out there that can relate to that. And they need that kind of support. Every life, every relationship is totally different. But you are not deserving of getting hit now or be or told that you're ugly or told that you'll, you know, mental, emotional, verbal, physical abuse, you do not deserve that. Right. And you are worth it. And if you're afraid to leave, I promise you pray.

Pray and wait and go. Yeah, do it. You will be taken care of. Absolutely. And they're amazing. Hays County women's shelter. Yeah. Okay. It looks like a very blank building. They do not let men in. Men can go to another shelter if they're the ones that are being abused. Okay, so could this person go there and be just walk in and in what to say I need help? Yep. Yes, I called because I was already in a safe place. I wish I had already left him. Yeah. And so this was the neck the

second step? What if they run and they need to go somewhere? Where would they go to the car, the car a women's shelter? Cops go? Yeah, and then go plan on staying with mine was my sister. So you know, until orders can get in place where you can be safe with your kids for a longer time. And it's just all a process of then you go to the next step. Like I said, when I went to the police, I wasn't going to have them charged charges pressed on him. I mean, I was like, I was still

processing. I cannot believe this just happened. What am I thinking about everybody else? Yeah. And not me. But it was. It was they brought my kids involved in it. Yeah. And that's when I was like, that's happening. The Hays County woman's center, domestic violence center. There's also one when Georgia smiles when Georgia smiles. Yeah, even an app that you can get through when Georgia smiles Oh, and it automatically since the safe person that you've already known. It looks like a generic

app. No one would know of it. But it pins you're where you are. Okay. Yeah. Depends where you're at. That's really good. Yeah. And I know they have a lot of resources too. Well, I can't thank you enough. Like, this is so amazing. All right. Well, let's pray. Lord, thank you for this beautiful woman showing up and just spilling her guts all over the place. Thank you, Jesus. And I'm asking you right now that you fill her right back up. She that took a lot. It's emotional. It's

mental, it's physical. It's spiritual. It's everything. So Lord, I'm asking that you fill her up right now. When the bottom of her feet to the top of her head to where she feels energized and courage and know that what she just did is for your kingdom and your kingdom alone. And that when we get to heaven, we won't be able to see all the people that we've helped. But we will and we go up there and we're gonna have a big ol party. Thank you. Jesus name. Amen. Man. I love love you.

Okay, Ville. And then, you know, if someone's listening, and they have a brother who is dealing with those same issues, and they need some help to help seek for him. I mean, there's ways that we have to reach out and help. And I know, we don't want to get in other people's business, but we can be encouragers we can be a light in people's lives. Just to say, I want to help I'm there. I don't have all the answers. But let's go try to figure this out. Let's start by

praying. Let's start by not looking for someone to blame, or judge, or, you know, some way to deflect and just own what the realness is. It's, we all are struggling with something. And there's a lot of anger out there. Yeah, and as guys, you know, I can't speak. I'm sure women do too. But you grow up and you're trying to trying to deal with these feelings and there's rage, and there's testosterone and control and emotion and fear of losing sight. So you get into a controlling, if it's not

working, force it. And, you know, the jealousy and the things that the emotions that men deal with and don't have an outlet of how to process it, or unknown. You don't you aren't taught that growing up. My dad didn't teach me that. On that side. I'd say, you know, there's help out there as well to you know, if you're struggling with a true anger, that you don't know where it's coming from, or what to deal with it. There's a path there to seek out help here we go