Mental Health Therapist - How to Talk to Teens- Part1

a discussion. Or if you're concerned what to do, I hope you can take some of these tips and apply them to your own life and family. Enjoy. I want to know, what have you seen? Is there an increase? Because I was just heard on the radio the other day that one out of four girls either thought about it or attempted suicide last year? I can't deal with that. And so are you seeing an increase? If so, what is the theme with the teens? And what are your recommendations? Definitely, there's an increase.

I mean, there's more more teens that need help, honestly, than there are therapists to help them. Above and beyond that, there's that many more teens that need help that aren't even asking for help. Because all I hear from all my teens about their friends. And I say well, do they have a therapist? No, they don't tell their parents. Right. So what are some of the signs that could speak by a parent? I would watch for their child isolating, who are they? Who are their children's socializing?

How are their peers functioning? And what are their grades? Are they engaged in anything actively a sport or a club? Are they connected to anything where you know that they have some grounding, the anxiety kids feel and the amount of pressure kids feel, I just think is unfair. And then everything in their environment is about keeping up with their peers, all their peers, it's about getting good grades. I mean, everything is about excelling. Yeah, I mean, I

don't put pressure on my kids. I mean, I tell them, I want you to do your best try. You know, I want you to go to a good college, I want you to feel good about what you're the effort you're putting in that day. But I guess that's a such a good point that no matter what home environment we're providing, it's still a culture in there. Yes. Yeah. So if you could say something to the parents, right now, no pressure. One thing? What is

that? What is that moment? The why is the statement you can come up with there? Right now? Do it Aaron, solve our problems? It's not my problem. Be my parent in my house. My thought is to praise your children on their internal qualities. Yeah. Amen. on that. Explain that. So for example, I'm so proud of you that you got an A, like, really good job that you got an A? How about, I'm so proud that you work so hard that you really gave it your best effort, right? And look what happens when you

do you got a great grade. Yeah, that's a totally different thing. The, the pride isn't conditional on the grade, the pride is in the effort, right? That regardless of the grade work that was put in, rather than the result, and you can have that same pride when they get a C, I really tried to, I would love to get parents to want to know what's going on in their kids world, and not be critical about what they hear, not reactive to what they hear. But curious, just listening and curious.

Just know, what what are you doing when you're out? How is it when you're with your friends? What is your experience at school? What is lunch, like right now? And I think that just that that curiosity and desire to be in their world will get you farther at connecting with them and getting them out of their bedroom? What about religion? How do you guide them with their beliefs? And religion is a hard one because I can't tell a parent exactly what's right and wrong for religion, right? Because

that's your belief system. So some parents believe I'm going to my child is going to be raised in my my religious system. And that's it, there's nothing else. And some parents believe because they have two different spiritualities. They're going to introduce them to both and they're going to choose which one feels best to them. And some parents believe we're going to introduce them to all and they can choose from a

rainbow of options. So speaking to that specifically, but I think I have an answer for you. Um, a broad answer, and that is that I do believe If it's okay to always, as a parent, be humble and honest, that we don't have everything perfect. I think it's okay for me to say to my kids, you know, I'm doing the best I can here. And I may not have the best answer. But this is what I know. This is what my experience tells me. And that's just relatable on a human level. I don't think I have to be on a

hierarchy always. I can be just on a human level. And my humaneness is, I have faults, and I make mistakes. And my shit isn't always together. Like I want it to be either, because I'm a work in progress, just like you are. Amen. Girl. I think that covers all the issues. Anybody could be going through it, you know, yeah, you're seeing some of those signs.

Oh, yeah. Good first that are? Because sometimes, and I will say this I with mine, I'm like, I don't know if I should be concerned. Or if you're just 13? Yeah. That's a really good question. Yeah. Right. I would definitely pay attention to really pay attention to their routine in their habits, right? Are they eating? Are they sleeping? Are they attending school? Are they keeping their grades? And is any pattern significantly changed? Next step, I would, you know, make sure that both parents are

included. Is there a coach that you need to check in with? Is there a teacher depending on the age of the student? High School is a little bit more challenging, but at that point, I would be checking in Is there a school counselor you need to be checking in with? Have they had a pediatrician visit? Sometimes they'll open up to a pediatrician. That's a really that could be your clue into? I'm sorry, say that it gets a really good idea. Yeah,

yeah. I mean, that could be a good you can let the pediatrician know I have some concerns when you get escorted out of the room, so they can have a private conversation. Maybe they open up, it might be an introduction into getting them into counseling. I did that in high school, my mom knew something wasn't right. And she, we just went to like a checkup. And she was there for the first half. And she walked away to close the door, and I just broke down. Isn't that

something? And I, and that was like my first kind of like, wow, that was the only time I think it was honest with anyone outside of myself sort of in that space. Okay, I'm gonna push you a little bit deeper. We've just skimmed the surface a little bit with who you are, and mental illness and what it is and the teenagers and the adults and some of the signs that maybe we can look for, and our children. But what if it's something more serious? What are those signs to

look for? For older kids? You're kind of yes, for the older kids? Or is it the same for younger kids too, that have a mental illness like bipolar one schizophrenia? Like they're all of them are serious. But it seems like there's this group of mental illnesses that people are so ashamed of, they're never going to tell anybody, they feel scarier. They feel they are safe feel like scary. Yeah. If you you know, because then you feel like there's a loss of control, I think is probably

from my point of view. But is there a difference between general you know, identifying general anxiety and depression and then identifying if I'm hearing you correctly, are you saying like, what are some of

the earlier signs that this would be coming on? I want to make sure I'm answering this thing. If someone asked me, Did you have any signs because people have asked me that? When was your first clue? Well, I'm gonna say it's a yes and don't answer. Because sometimes there are clues. Sometimes it's that they struggle to maintain focus in class. And these sound like regular ATD ADHD, and that's what they're diagnosed as when

they're really young. But as they get older, they develop into other diagnoses, right? Early in their life, they get diagnosed with more ADHD, they have more behavioral problems, or maybe it's maybe you find like an honesty problem. Maybe they have behavioral outbursts at school, or they're really impulsive. They have a lot of impulsivity issues. Again, these can all fall into certain different categories. If you were to look diagnostically. That could probably fall under

multiple categories. It's really hard because you can see all that in hindsight, but in the moment, you're only dealing with what you're being presented with. So everything is clear with hindsight. But as they're growing, you're just dealing with the challenges that are

coming. I would say when your kids starts really experimenting with drugs as they're going into teenage years by not being able to have good insight or regulate their emotions, or developing the skills to discuss their emotions, like that's a developmental skill is I have an emotion, I can express my emotion, I can process my emotion when they're not doing that. And they're not able to do that. No, sometimes parents won't do that with a mother also, right? That sometimes is

like a family system thing. We don't talk about your feelings. If the child is the one who just won't engage in it, then I would say that's something that should be explored. And why is it that they can't talk about their feelings? So the signs for me, since it's all many shades of gray, but if anybody can pick up on anything that from my own experience, I hope so if you are wondering, and you are curious, kind of look at the timeline in your life with you, with your kid.

See if you have any family history of IT. Yeah, that's a big one. Is it a lot hereditary? Is mental illness linked? Absolutely. With its hereditary and its environment, both of those. I mean, there's absolutely both connection, and depression, bipolar, any of the psychotic disorders, anxiety, all of those have a genetic link, ADHD, they all have a genetic link, but they also can have an environmental link. Well, I think you were right on and that one of the most important things

is to be connected. Because you know, we're we're so families oftentimes are so disconnected. We're all in our even if we're in the same room, we're all doing our own thing independently, usually on a device. them I think one of the most important thing is is to be in tune. I would I Okay, one thing that I think is important is don't be afraid to ask. And that's Don't be afraid to ask your child are, you know, are they having thoughts of hurting themselves? Don't be afraid to

ask, Are they depressed? If you have signs? Do you need to talk to someone? I think sometimes parents get afraid. If you have an indicator that something is going on, ask, don't be afraid that there's an indicator there. And if you bring it up, you're going to make it worse by bringing it up. That's a really good point. Because at the best case scenario, there isn't a problem.

And now your child knows they're on your radar, which I imagine would only make them feel, I don't know, I'd get so I tend to get emotional, you know what I would do? I don't know if I should say I write them letters. Because sometimes this with one of my daughter's is she's I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm totally fine. Vomit emotionally on me for hours, if I let her and the other one will say, I'm fine, everything's fine. And I will ask very direct specific questions, and I get nothing.

But one thing, and I can tell you all the different options of how you. But one of the things I would say I mean, if this were my daughter, I would say, you know, honey, I know you say everything's okay. But I don't think you're living your best life. And I my job. My job is to give you all the tools for you to have the best life and the best future you can. And I just I don't see you being really happy. Lately, I see you feeling

really kind of stressed. I don't see really enjoying your friends or wanting to be with your friends or your schoolwork is kind of stressing me out. And I know you don't want to talk to me. And that's okay. But you have to have somebody to talk to. Yeah. So you think about it, but we need to figure something out to give you what the support you need. Like tell me if you're if you don't want to talk about it to

me. Oh, you talk about whatever's going on with you to somebody else if I find you a safe person to speak with or something like that. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I would say it's like, it's not like they have to divulge their secrets to me. It that's okay. And that's one of the big mistakes I think that that parents make with therapy is that one they make children think that you have to have a problem to go to therapy. You don't maybe you just need a place to have a safe place to

talk. Yeah, and mom and dad may not feel safe told our kids like you go there. So to help it's like a maintenance it's Yeah, Dentist everything like we do maintenance for all the other parts of us. You have to do it. for the right reasons. You have to do this to make yourself feel good on the inside. And when you get that

right. You're an exhibit the beauty that you are and I will just say this for whatever I don't even know how to totally word what I'm about to say but a lot of people I think when they hear that you got to get your inside right you got to fix your inside back. sleeves sit, stay internalized, because they're trying to get them, they're trying to get themselves right

on the inside. And sometimes when you're trying to get yourself right on the inside, it feels so private and so personal, that you just gonna keep it on the inside. There's a really big gap between focusing on your insides and getting your insides right and actually doing the work to get the insides right. And usually that work is external. Because if you stay internal, you mean action, you got to take

action. Yes. And, and communicate saying it talking like talk therapy coming, taking the icky, that's inside, you can't just keep it in there and, and get on this hamster wheel and internalizing just all that yucky, there is a step between, there's a messy space between wanting to fix all that, then doing the work to fix the process. You have to actually you can't just think take it out, you have to go through a process of actual process.

And I believe if you're alone in that process, it's gonna get worse, right? Because you're only sounding board is yourself. Right? In the end, I think that ultimately, our happiness comes from living a life. That is externally Our choices are congruent with our internal value system. I think that's a really clean way of saying what I was trying to say.

Yeah, yeah. So I mean, we can sit there and think all we want, but if we're not actually living out our dreams, if we're not identifying this as my value system, this is my my vision for my life. This is my dream for my future. And these are my action steps to getting there. Right? That's kind of really what we have to do now where people get stuck is, okay, this is the load I'm carrying in my life that prevents me from moving forward. This is my trauma from the past,

that keeps me stuck. This is

where we have to work through all those other things. And the way also, I wish it was just as simple as you know, writing out my vision list and moving forward. But that's where we have to move through all those other things at the same time. But if you don't, you're able to identify this is what's important to me, and this is what I want, how could you possibly get there? And really, what EMDR focuses on are identifying what are the negatives? Say what MDR is, and

Dr. Oh, I'm sorry, okay. EMDR is eye movement, desensitization reprocessing, that is a form of trauma therapy. But it actually is way more than trauma. I mean, it was originally identified as a trauma treatment, it's it's the most researched form of treatment in existence, it has the most research done on it, it works with all kinds of beliefs. And it takes are our existing beliefs and where we're trying to get to and integrates that. It's yeah, it's bilateral

stimulation. Yeah. Okay. So it's anything I mean, I so I movements is the most researched method of EMDR. So I would say that, I thought EMDR was just moving the eyes, and you talk and it's like a talk therapy. So. So EMDR, it can be it's any form of bilateral stimulation, it's having dual attention to both sides of your body. So it can be typically I always start with eye movements. So it would

be eyes. But it can be sounds, we can use auditory sounds clicking in the years, you can hold buzzies in your hand, that vibrate, alternating both sides of your body, balance out the left and the right, right, stimulating the left and the right brain. It's using your working memory, it's taking a memory that is stored and bringing it to your active working memory.

Like if I'm supposed to be telling a story and you're doing all that I I already feel overstimulated, just hearing you tell me, you're not talking like I can't I'm already gonna walk down the street at the same Yeah, no, you're actually not talking through we identify and map out a treatment plan. And with that, we have targets and our when we're targeting something, we're targeting a negative belief, which Yeah, I mean, it could be anything it could be. I'll never

succeed. Right? That could be my my negative. And when I say that negative belief. I attach that to the fact that I failed a college biology class a truth. Okay, yeah, me too. I take it twice. So that's my, that's my memory attached with, I'll never succeed. And I feel that in my

gut, that's my felt feeling. So when I'm attaching my feeling my physical feeling with my memory, and my negative belief, the best place I want to get to is, my positive belief that I want to get to is, I failed one class. But I'm smart. And I can try again. And I can be successful. That's not a determinant of my success in life. So we kind of referred to it as sitting on a train and looking out the window. So as you're processing, we have a starting point, which is my physical feeling my stored

memory, my negative belief. And I'm looking at my memories. In my mind, I'm not talking about them. Like I'm looking at scenery through a train window, I just letting it pass by, and you're just letting your memories pass by while your eyes are moving, or while you're hearing sounds or while you're

the buzzes are vibrating. So while your mind you're having bilateral stimulation, your mind is going through its own memory real and assess that right and move past that, and it's making its own connections. If you'd like to hear more from Erin, she'll be on our next episode discussing EMDR how she turned tragedy and her pain into good and helping others. Stay

tuned. See you next time. Thank you for listening to chatterbox radio, unraveling the untold if you have a great story that you want to share to inspire courage, or just reach out please do email us at podcast at the chatterbox radio.com Until then, imagine breathing and all the love all the joy that you can possibly imagine building yourself up and go be a blessing to the people around you. Because they need you