A Wife's Story - Forgiving the Betrayal

Well, maybe you can start from the beginning with me. Okay, Mom, just please don't do your Italian accent again. Tomorrow. All right, I can do that. What about this so good. Or like this one? Me, me, me. Ciao. Ciao, bella. I'm so excited, really, to share this interview with Dorinda panini. She is wild and crazy. She's a Reiki practitioner. She's a writer, she's a teacher. She's Allahu Qi practitioner, as well as an angel light healing

practitioner. I got to learn about those for the first time today, come to find out Dorinda does go to our church. And she is just so wise, and has been through so much in her life. I hope that you seek out elders around you that are wise that you can learn from. That's why they're still here is to help and be mentors. He'll hear Dorinda talk about the story of forgiveness, she's had in her own family, her husband has

cheated on her twice. And she talks extensively about how she got there to forgive him the second time. And even though maybe you aren't going through the same thing, I know that you've probably gone through something where you needed to forgive somebody, and she has you see it from a perspective to where you can apply it to your own life, even if you didn't go through something exactly like that. forgiving someone who's

hurt you really deep. One thing I was telling Brenda, before we started, you now, we all have lived such different lives, totally different lives. No one else has lived through your eyes, by your parents, in the events that just laid out for you and how you had to deal with it. So maybe we see the same in some ways. And maybe some ways we don't. But more than likely, we're probably going to disagree on some things. But this is a place not to convince you of anything, just to listen to our

stories. And what's worked for us what we've gone through and learning in this life is learning from others and their stories, and taking advice and listening to the wisdom that lies before you. So like with all the episodes, I don't know what's coming, because I just learned some things for the first time as well. So let's see. Let's see what Dorinda has to say. Well, I'm Dorinda

panini. And what I do is several things, but one is the Lord's work whenever possible. I don't volunteer, I'm active at our church. I have been working part time for a nonprofit, but I'm leaving the end of the month, because I really want to give more attention to the to workshops and books and writing, you feel called that this is the path that you need to go you're writing a book. Absolutely. And the there was 10 years between my husband's first affair. And

his second one. Tell me the story behind Well, as I said he had an affair. We had been married for almost 25 years. And it was with a close personal friend who I had traveled with and you know, someone who came to our home for holidays. So it was like a double betrayal. So yeah. And and then I started praying and working through how do I get through this. A woman who went to the same church I went to, and I knew her and her husband, she came to the

workshop. And it was about a six hour all day kind of workshop, very interactive. She came up to me and said, I just have to tell you, and she had tears in her eyes, that if I had had this information years ago, the tools that you gave us to work through it, I would still be married to my first husband. He had an affair and I thought if I forgave him that was condoning the affair, and I divorced him.

And she said I have regretted it every day of my life because he was the love of my life that just gave me chills all over my

body. And then she said because I knew her current husband, she said he's a lovely man, and I love him in a different way, but I wished I'd had this and you need to keep doing workshops and sharing this, what great encouragement for you, you needed that, you know, you do a lot of work, and you hear the Lord and you obey, and you try so hard and then you don't get paid, you get a pat on the back. And then those nice encouraging words, just feel you help you

keep you going. So as I went through the first affair, and worked through forgiveness, along the way, you know, God kept holding me, I all I can say is I felt God had his arms wrapped around me. And I felt many times when I was really struggling, I felt like Jesus was standing behind me kissing the top of my head with encouragement. And that just kept me going. But through the whole thing, what I discovered is, in my opinion, and based on scripture, there are five

components to forgiveness. The first one is, you have to recognize that you might have done something that needs to be forgiven also. So in my case, it was like, Well, my husband cheated. Why should I forgive him? And why do I have to confess my sin, because he's the, you know, not the the nice guy. And in reading scripture, I found a verse that talks about we are all God's children. And I want to warn, that means he is too. So I actually have to look at him as a child of God. And

then it started from there. And God basically saying to me, yeah, you need to think about your part in it, if our relationship had been what it should be. And I'm not condoning what he did, but it wouldn't have happened, I don't believe. So in looking at that, I realized the first component was that I had to recognize my own issues. And I had to look at what did I do that contribute it to it, and write it down, I find it very powerful to write

things. So then, the next step is, once you know what it is you've done, you go to God with a contrite heart, and repent. And you ask for God's forgiveness for what you did for your part in it. And at this point, you're not talking about the other person you're talking about yourself. So that's component to component three is, and this is the toughy. For most people, you have to forgive

yourself. And that's really hard for people is to forgive yourself when you done something that you know you shouldn't have that fell short of being a disciple of Christ. The fourth one is that if there is someone else to forgive, because sometimes we're only trying to forgive ourselves for something we've done to someone else, after the fourth one is forgiving the other person. And the fifth and final one, and this is the one missed the most

is gratitude. Once God has taken you through forgiveness, and you have let go and moved on, you need to go to God and gratitude and thank him for taking you through the ordeal. And no matter if you end up staying with the other person or not. The truth is that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. It is only about your relationship with Christ. And if you don't forgive, and you live in unforgiveness, what happens is you become angry, and bitter

and resentful. If bitterness invades your heart, purse, pretty soon, you've crowded out Jesus. And once you reach that point of being totally better, and blocking Christ from your heart, it eventually will seep into your soul and annihilate it. And you're on a road that is headed straight for something cataclysmic. Are you agree with that? I've experienced that. I think we all have experienced

that. You know that saying or, like on social media, like little pictures, and they'll say, not forgiving what someone is just like drinking poison yourself. Don't you love that? I want to try to kill that person or hurt them. So I'm going to drink the poison. Yeah, um, you're actually hurting yourself, because it's what it feels like. It feels like poison. And then, and then what

you said about gratitude. You know, our family tries to do that we go through hard things or not, not feel like you feel like sorry for yourself. And things just aren't going that great. And so Adam, and I try because at that point, when you're feeling like that, the last thing you want to do is go thank you. And we just say thank you for our life. Thank you for our health. Thank you for our cars. Thank you for our family.

Thank You that we live in America, thank you that we have food on the table, and we just go through it. And once you just start saying it out loud, it changes things. And it's about breaking down those blocks. There's a block why you don't want to meditate, there's a block why you don't want to pray, there's a block why you don't want to be thankful. And so that's where I want to turn inside and look and say, I want

to get rid of this. What are some of the things that I can do and that's definitely one way yeah, one of the things I learned through everything was you that forgiveness, again, it's not about the other person. But

frequently it's about us as individuals, we have to forgive ourselves. But a lot of people, if you use the term betrayal, you know, I was betrayed or someone cheated on me, it seems to always be this is about a mostly spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend kind of relationship. But the truth is, you can be

betrayed in so many ways. I mean, it can be, I'm sorry, sometimes your children, it can be someone else in your family, I had issues with my mother that I had to work through, it can be about a co worker who takes your work or you know, puts you down constantly. Um, there are so many different ways a friend who turns their back on you when you need them. Most though, these are the things that really betrayal is all about is when someone does something that really hurts you in some way.

And some hurts are worse than others. When he had the second one, we had lived in California, and we bought a house here in Texas, and I moved here and he was finishing up a job and was going to come move here. And one night, I got a text. Only it was a text meant for his girlfriend not Oh, boy. Yeah. And so we didn't live together for 15 months, while he was there. We were getting a divorce. And there's this whole long story

about that. But at the end, we did get back together, not because I wanted to per se but because I felt God wanted me to give it one more chance. And so how did you muster that up? And let me just say this, what about the people that are listening and saying, Well, what about this scripture that says adultery and that I spiritually now can move on and not put up with this anymore and find someone that won't? Well, for one, there is no sin worse than

another. And there's no measuring stick like saying, well, murder is number one, adultery is number two and down the list. Anytime you turn your back on God for any reason, and betrayal, basically, is turning your back on God. Anytime you do that, that is missing. Having Christ in your heart, it is turning, turning away and look and thinking only of yourself, and not the effect it has on the

other person. So like I said, when I realized that he was a child of God, we were having a phone conversation, and we had a court date to sign to get our divorce. And he was telling me, Well, you know, things aren't going well with my girlfriend, why? She's not really my girlfriend anymore. It's really and I said, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for you about that. Let me send you some flowers. That's what I basically said you expect me to care about

that. I'm not interested in the least then we worked through a property agreement. Then he said, I don't suppose you could ever forgive me. And I said, Well, I forgave you a long time ago. And he goes, Well, why? I said, because it's not about you. For once. It's not about you. This is about me and my relationship with Jesus. So I've had to forgive you to get on with my life and be in a place I want it to be. The other thing was through the the entire

thing. I never once yelled, cried, screamed, carried on made a scene called the other woman. I never did any of that. Because I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and see someone who is shining with the light of Christ who has integrity and is doing their best to walk their Christian path. Now, do I mess up and every day? Yes. Do I have to ask God for forgiveness on a daily basis? You bet. Did you want to punch her down? No. And

I'll tie it up later on. We talked about the fundamentals. I'll tell a story about that. And but but so he said to me, Oh, okay. And then he goes, Well, I don't suppose you could ever take me back and give me another chance. Now what I started to say what was in my head, and I was starting to say was pardon my language here. Not only No, but in this lifetime. Hell no. And what came out of my mouth was, I might now Oh, I just get chills talking about that. Because Holy Spirit spoke

those words. I did not. And I actually held my phone out, looked at it and said, Did I just say what I think I said, I put the phone back up and he goes, did you just say what I think you did? I go, Well, those words came out of my mouth. But you know, I don't know why I said that. He goes, Well, what do you think I Oh, this was on a

Saturday. I said, I really need to pray on this one. You know, I need to spend a lot of time talking to God here because this is not what I expected. And he said, Well, okay, and I said call me Monday. So that night I said Okay, Lord, you're the one telling me I need to do this. I'm sure there's a reason. So I'm going to ask you to to show me a sign. Tell me why I should do this. Why you want me to do

this. So the next morning at church The Reading was, and Peter said to Jesus, how many times should I forgive my brother seven. And Jesus said, I tell you not seven, but 70 times seven. You're like, I knew I shouldn't have gone to church today and went next week. That's what I said to myself. Well, I asked you delivered. Oh, wow. So then I wherefore What do you pray for? I went and talked to our pastor because he knew everything going on. And I told him what happened with the sign?

And he looked at me and said, Well, I guess you got your sign, didn't you? And I go, I guess I did. He said, So what are you going to do about it? I said, follow God. So we ended up getting back together. And let me be clear, it wasn't easy. In the very beginning, the first three months were horrible. We had what we called our therapy sessions, we would go out and work on it, we decided to take on a project together to try to at least have some continuity in

our relationship. What was the project, we built a 740 square foot deck on the back of our house, okay, yeah, a very, it raised up with all kinds of underpinnings and complicated deck. So we would go out every day and work all day on the deck, then we would go in, we would both get a shiner blonde, sit on each end of the couch.

And we would have therapy, where we would talk through things, not just the affair, or my behavior, or his all the way back through our relationship, we really got to a level of total honesty that we'd never gotten to before mean really hardcore, but deep inside. Yeah. And so we were thinking a lot of couples are missing that I mean, cheating or not, like they just were so busy as people that we don't connect, and if we could just connect with each other

that way, who would help? Yeah. And he was raised Catholic and got away from the church and really hadn't been a churchgoer. And just before he had moved to Texas, he his roommate, the healer with good Christian man, he was going to church with his roommate. So when I called him back, or he called me on that Monday, and I said, Okay, I'm reluctant to do this. But I feel that's what God wants me to do. Because the worst that could happen is you do it again. And if you do, there is no road

back. And so I'm going to trust the Lord here. Completely. Yeah. And we kind of, you know, that was the start of getting back together. And then I said, I have a deal breaker. I go to church, I take Bible studies, I'm active in the church, if you're not going to do that don't bother to come back. And he said, Well, I've been going to church, and I've been studying and I said, okay, but this better be real, because God

knows what's in your heart. If it's not real, he's gonna know, I said, so that I know faking it. No, then we took the sacred marriage workshop at church, which really was really kind of got us started on the, you know, some of the things in marriage that you really have to look at. And in sacred marriage, it really talks about being a Christ centric marriage, where Jesus is the center is kind of like a pole. And Jesus is the

pole. And you have ribbons that in various phases of your life wrap around it, but it's always centered on Christ. And that that was a huge change in the dynamic of our marriage. And also, our pastor and his wife were in the class. He wasn't leading it, someone else was he was associate pastor then. And they had an issue that they were discussing in the class and on the way home, he said, Well, I didn't think ministers had

problems like that. And I said, Well, actually, they're human, just like we are sometimes more problems because of it. Yeah. So that really got us both really involved in the church. And it kind of went from there. The tough part was, I knew that our children who weren't speaking to him, okay, and how many kids two daughters grown adults? How old? Are they now? 53 and 51. Okay, and they were so this was 15 years ago? How and how did they react to the first and the

second time and spy on you? And they were champions. Interesting. The first time he I made him move out, I had to tell the girls. So I sat down and told them and they said, Well, Mom, we're here for you. And that was it. And it wasn't like a here. Let me go on and on about all the horrible things. You know, there was no need to do that. He's still there, dad.

The interesting thing was my father, who actually had a very good relationship with my husband, my father said to me, Dorinda you can live without him. You can't live without financial security. So you take care of yourself financially. And my dad was a great Christian man, a wonderful role model. And he said, and you know, God's there for you. You'll never be alone. So, you know, we worked through that the first one. So when the second one happened, they both just told him we want

nothing to do with you. You're horrible. And yeah, so I knew when I told them that it was not going to be a smooth, easy way back. So you're gonna tell them oh, I'm getting back together with your dad for the second time. What It was their reaction that they tried to talk you out of it. Yes. Kind of Well, they did say, Mom, are you sure you want to do this? Because you know, he's just gonna do it to you again. And I said, Well, you know, this is, this is what the Lord has

directed me to do. And I have to go on absolute faith here. And I have to be obedient. And actually one of the fundamentals is surrender and conscious obedience. And so I'd had to be consciously obedient. I couldn't just say, yeah, yeah, God told me to do that. No, I had to go deep in and say, I'm going to trust you, Lord, I'm going to be obedient and do what you're telling me to do take action, take the steps. There is a reason for this. So I'm gonna go

with it. Because at that point, I really figured I have nothing to lose here. Right? Because also, I can look at myself in the mirror every day and say, I gave it everything I had. I've been hearing that a lot lately.

You know, I did a few interviews with Erin, she's a therapist. And that's what she tells all of her clients, you know, you want to try and know that you can tell yourself later I did everything I could to make it work. Absolutely. Because if you don't, then down the road, you may not feel it right then. But if you don't give it that last try, years later, you will have serious regret. Well, like the lady that came up to you afterwards and said she wish she wouldn't have left the first

time. Absolutely. So I didn't want to live my life with regret. And so that was part of it. But when God gave me the sign I asked for that sealed the deal, so to speak. Yeah, yeah. But from there, then one of our our oldest daughter who currently lives with us, she came to California, I mean, to Texas from California to visit. And it was a rough go. But they worked through it and had some discussions and stuff. So she said, Well, doubt, I still don't trust you. But I'm going to give

you the benefit right now. Our youngest daughter, she had a little harder time letting go. But she finally came around, and he has a fabulous relationship with her. Oh, that's great. So the girls in his grandson, we have one grandson, he's 23. And they really have a great relationship with him. That's wonderful. I love that. It's like a story that has a happy ending is a Netflix show. Right? Yeah. So I spoke earlier about the five components. So what people would ask is a couple of things in

workshops. But you take the five components, and how do you work them. That's what the 12 Spiritual fundamentals came out to be, was God's roadmap, these things need to be done. And here is a map. So I always say that you start off in denial. And God hands you a map. And there are many ways to get to the final destination, which is transcendent peacefulness. But along the road, you can get there numerous ways. I'm laying

out what worked for me. And I'm saying, if you want to use this, and it works, by all means, take it, use it, use all of them, use some of them, use them in any order that works for you. But work on your forgiveness and look at it as a lifetime of work. It's not a one time event. Every single day, if you're a Christian walk in your path, you have need to ask God for forgiveness, it may be something small, but it still is the path of forgiveness. You know, I'm going to give you these tools,

but you can develop your own. I don't want you to think that I'm an expert. I shared my journey with you. And when I do that people always raise their hand and go You're not still married to him. Are you saying you guys? Yes, I am. And we have a great marriage. And they're like, Wow. And a lot of times people will say when I talk about this, but you don't have any emotion about it. i So trust me, I did back then. But real forgiveness is when you've let God take your

burden away. And it's no longer your problem. Would you say that? It just takes time for that. It takes time. Some people can do it fairly quickly. Okay, let me just give you like an example or a situation. So, you know, something happens and it hurts, you know, that you're supposed to forgive. You know, well, if you're a Christian and you read the Bible, and you know all the steps of how to forgive and all that, you know, you forgive, and then you pray for them to God to

bless them. And then you start saying all thank yous right to start. But there's some time there from when you start taking those steps. You're not feeling it and it can take a long time. There is what do you do every like do you have to do that

every day? Do you just start feeling it chip away and then one day it's gone and it's different for different people, basically, but one of the techniques, and I'll talk about them in some semblance of order, but not exactly one of the techniques of expressed forgiveness deals with a very convoluted and a complicated letter writing process. That is really, really helpful. I mean, for me, that was a huge piece of doing it. So you have to start

somewhere. And the first place is in a workshop, I'd make this joke, this is the time for you to get off the barge on the river in Egypt, and step on the bank. So get out of denial. So I called denial, the celestial war, because every day there was a war between us and our, the world. And our view of the world. Do I fit in here? No. Does that fit with scripture? So really, the old expression, the wife, or the husband is the last to know, I think that's very

true. Because we don't want to know, yeah, I did not want to think my husband and my close friend would have an affair. So I was in total denial. When you're in denial, then you see red flags, and you ignore them. So a critical piece of it is to get out of denial. Okay, so from there, then, you know, there's various pieces. But once you're out of denial, and you understand that you have been and you have something to confess on your own. So there's where I was in denial. Was he

bad? Me good kind of attitude, right? It wasn't like that, everybody. Well, I make exception for someone who's a victim of abuse, of rape, of incest of a horrific experience that transcends normal forgiveness, because they were blameless. And if there's an incident where you're blameless, you need you need to see a therapist and a minister and get help that way. This book is for people who have been betrayed. And it can be a pretty serious betrayal, or just feeling like they want to learn how to

forgive themselves easier. And so that's kind of what it's about. So I don't want anyone to think that I'm, quote, an expert, unquote. I'm just someone who suffered. And the Lord showed me the way, yeah, this is your story, your experience. And then God used that, to move through you to write this module and this work these workshops and to help people. The first part is I really talked about what is forgiveness, there's a lot of people who have a

misunderstanding. So forgiveness, and the way I define it is, is forgiving yourself the gift of freedom from bondage to the past. Because if you're hanging on to something and you're in unforgiveness, then you're in bondage, emotional bondage, because you keep living that, you relive it, you play the tape over and over and over again.

Okay, so once you figured out, you really have some part in it, and you've moved off denial, and by the way, if you can't get out of denial, the other 11 are not going to be of any use to you, you have to really understand your piece of it, then the next part is you really want to write down how you felt or why you feel that way, or what you need to forgive or why you want to be

forgiven. So I think when you write things down, it gives you a chance to think it, speak it out loud, if you want to, like some people record things. So whatever means is, you know, helpful to you to understand this is why I'm on the journey of forgiveness. So I think that that's what the first phase is, is you have to have clarity. So my husband had a couple of affairs, and I need to forgive him. So what what is my statement? What am I looking to

forgive? Well, my first piece of the statement is I'm looking to get God's forgiveness, and I'm looking to forgive myself, then and only then can I forgive him, and then express gratitude. So that the next kind of the next fundamental would be, and again, these are not in a specific order after denial would be repent and confess. So that's when you've written what you want to confess and repent over. And then you go into prayer. And you really ask the Lord to

forgive you. Because you know now what your part was, and that needs to be forgiven. You're not even thinking about the other person really, at that point. You're thinking about your actions and your emotions and

your response. The way to judge is if you feel that your heart is not as heavy, you know that God is there for you, and that you confess with a contrite and honest and truthful heart because sometimes we including me, tend to flippantly go, Okay, God, I need you to forgive me for X, Y, and Z. And it isn't really going deep and really looking at it with a with your contrite heart, and truly repenting and going, I had this part in it, and I'm going to do everything I can to be better at

that and not do the same thing. I always advise people to have a holy dwelling. Now, a holy dwelling can be a place. It can be your own heart. It can be a physical location, someplace outdoors, any place that you call it, Holy Spirit, and you're there as you are bringing in God now