A Mom's Personal Story on Alcoholism - Overcoming

me so deeply. I know we talk about difficult topics on these episodes. But they're real. And they're happening today. And they affect so many of us. It's affected my family, we've lost family to alcoholism, but I don't want that dissuade you from listening to the story. But just listening to the stories on how it changed people, I think you could probably identify with that some way somehow, because I have, it's in their humaneness and their vulnerability to want

to share it with you. My goal is to always bring a smile in some way. Because life is heavy, and laughing just eases some of the pain, it physically releases chemicals in your body that helps you heal. So I use that as a healing method as well. I hope you don't take it that I'm being insensitive. I've dealt with each one of these problems, these tragedies, these issues with people that I know and that I love. So come with me and listen to what Lindsay has to

say. Listen to the things that she did to help her change to help her keep going to help her not give up. So let's welcome in Lindsey. So we got Lindsay here, a color lens lens. So Lindsay and Tara are twins. And they're so stinking cute, man. Like we're 20. Now what y'all are, they feed on each other. They finish each other's sentences. They're like one big giant spirit and one. And they're so their energy is so contagious.

And this is what I pick up from now you have been through your struggles, your real about it, you face them head on, and you seek to know more and be the best you and you really want to help people. That's what I pick up from both of you so strongly. And then you're watching your sister go through this right and her like spiritual experience. Did you to go through that? Like cuz you have a story as well. And you you're not recovering alcoholic because you're done. You're over. But was it at the

same time? It was 45 days after Tara quit drinking is when I decided to quit drinking as well. All right, so let me ask you this. She calls you. She's telling you this? What are you thinking in your head thinking okay, I mean, I was honestly at

a very broken point as well. So it wasn't surprising when she told me but I just thought well, that's going to be easier for her her husband is in recovery you know he quit drinking but Tara and I have like were identical twins and we're not even that separate in terms of those twins you meet that are so different have different friends we always have the same group of friends we have the same personality in terms of sense of humor and everything we have different you know, we have

doing things are completely different. Or there's twins. They're just different is our taste in men. The only really Yes, our tastes and friends is the same everything or taste in men completely different. That's a good thing. Yeah, I thought of like, No, I like him. No, I like him. Like No, he's too pretty for me. Like the Cowboys. We've always done everything together. And even in our drinking we enabled each other so much like when she was fresh in it with the babies.

You know, she was at home and like, Oh man, I wish I had another bottle of wine. I would like drive over to her house and bring her one because we lived a mile apart and went to college together live together same major work together. Same major same was your major work together communications. Oh, wow. You have started a business together. But so it wasn't surprising but my husband still drank and he was he's not an alcoholic. In fact, now that we're older he he has a couple beers but he wasn't

when we were younger. We were heavy drinkers like major heavy drinkers together. And so me it was kind of like well, I don't even know what this would look like for me but I said I'm gonna take some time off so while you're not drinking so I took we're getting ready to go on a vacation and I took 45 days off you know kind of worked on my fitness more feeling really

good. First day of vacation. We all went as a fan as families that are to go see my father in Santa Barbara, and the first day, I was like, alright, you know, I made my 45 days, I'm gonna start having some drinks, had drinks, we all went hung out as a family, all my brothers and sisters were there, everyone's drinking everything. I had my first nine month old baby, my husband, I got back to the hotel. And I don't remember anything at that

point. We were out of baby formula, because again, I was like having to pump and dump because I was drinking again all the time, heavily. He left to go to the market to get baby formula and came back and I was passed out on the hotel bed with my nine month old son crawling around on me. No, yeah. And to this. God. Today, I can't believe I'm so in a different place. But to this day, it's like that was my I woke up the next morning, he had to tell me that because I don't

remember that. I was like, I'm done. I'm done. He's like, no, no, you just need to calm down and slow it down. I was like, I don't know how to slow anything down. Like, that's just not not your, you know, that's not my personality. I am done. I have waited. I had my first child at 35. I had waited for children. Like that's all I ever wanted. I'm like, I am not fucking this up, like I'm done. And I never

looked back on it. Like for the longest time, I just never looked back on it at all and went through the meetings did recovery. That way, I didn't have to go to rehab. Again, I had a baby. So I just tried it that way. My husband was very supportive, and just got sober. And it was the most incredible thing and to have my second child two years later, and to not wake up with hangovers with a baby and to be able to breastfeed the whole time as long as I wanted to. And just

everything changed clean. Yes to feel clean. And another thing is alcohol loosens you up makes you have fun. But it's a depressant. Yes. And if I drink it, it makes me depressed. It gives me anxiety, wagering anxiety, I know that it works for people, and they like it. And I'm not saying alcohol is bad. You know, I'll have occasional glass of wine, but I used to drink a lot heavier wasn't drink, you know, a lot, lot. But I drink a lot more. And then it's like, Why do I keep doing this? It's just

making me feel worse. There's people personality wise that can handle it, you know, they really can. But when when you start to feel like you know, you feel that shame, you feel that guilt, you feel like it's just not resonating. It's not right. Yeah, for me, you know, that's when you know that it's or it's creating problems in your home life and your family. I mean, the first year, I thought my marriage was a total mistake.

And then I realized when I quit drinking holy shit, I have a really awesome husband, like I am the problem here. I am the one who is creating all of this misery in our family life, you know, that are out there struggling with this exact same thing. And they're believing that lie of what did I do? I made a mistake. You really didn't. You're making the mistake by what you're choosing every day. Exactly. So feel good. Exactly. So here you are. You're in the hotel, you're

woken up. So you just realized that you've been given this most precious gift this baby and you've, you've felt like about screwed all that up. And that could be taken away from me by what I'm choosing. Exactly. And that's right. When you said that's it. Yeah, I'm doing it. And like Tara was saying in her podcast, it was like for me like I describe it as you know, it's a knowing it's like looking up and knowing the skies blue. Like that's how I knew it wasn't a

bell. It wasn't a spiritual. It just, I knew I knew right then and there. And this is it. It's instant. Yep. When I never like looked back on it. I'm not saying that I didn't have bad days where I was, you know, having to deal with my own like, issues. That's when I realized I'm a control freak. I thought it was super, like laid back. Awesome. No, I realized when I got sober, I am a control freak.

And I think the drinking relaxed me and relax the social anxiety and relaxed the need to control because we did struggle a little with my hallway, you know, I'm a kind of a time Nazi. And so we struggled my controlling, took over and other ways, you know, I had to realize like, maybe that's what I was self medicating a lot of my things, my neuroses about myself that I

didn't really dig. And then I've learned over the last, you know, years of this like to learn to embrace the parts of me that even aren't so great and to use those for good because, you know, I am a control freak and a time Nazi but like, I get my family there on time, you know, and my husband cannot. So that's not his gift. Right? And so I've learned to work with those but relax and recognize when I get so like, wrapped up in it. Yeah, I'm a lot like that, too. Yeah,

definitely. So what do you do to help yourself because I'm the same person that you are very high energy, but that can be great. But then human needs spin out. It's this anxiety and like, so much so that it will take over my body, my whole body will start shaking. Yes. So you know, I gotta have to take breaths or whatever but I want Wanna know? What is your routine? What is your kind of

schedule? Because you have to create a whole new one when you get to something like that in the beginning, you know, I had a again, I had a nine month old so it was the gym. It was yoga, weightlifting, you know, cardio for me, that was the stuff in

the several years prior. Did you know to just start doing that, or just kind of always tried to work out, you know, but then I got into yoga, and yoga really helped me because for that one hour, like, especially like vinyasa that one hour, I can't think about anything, but keeping my poses and breathing. And so I realized that just started changing my breath. And changing my breath changing my mind changing. You know, that's what I mean, my breath like,

Stop, relax. Meditation, like, yeah, like meditation in the present moment is so hard with a personality like that. It's probably the the hardest thing in the world just to be in the present moment, because your thoughts constantly racing. And mine was in the beginning, I didn't start meetings right away for about a month because Tara and I were in California, we stayed there, and my dad's like, the husband's left, and went.

And so I stayed in California, I started reading the book, a book, and then I just started reading my Bible. And as much as a helped me like, gosh, I think the 12 steps are something everyone should do in terms of you just learn how to keep you know, your side of the street clean, quote, unquote, you learn to look at, well, how am I affecting this interaction? You know, it's just a great way to learn your boundaries and other people's boundaries, and where's your part in it? But for me,

like, God changed me. I always had a relationship with God, but it was a Help me Help me. I was always anxious and always overwhelmed. And what can you help me like you're always asking? Yes, yes. And now it's yeah, it became about like, just, I'm good. I know. I'm okay. Like, where do you need me to be? And where do you need me to go? What do you need from me? It became less about, you know, make this go away. Because he's like, I'm trying to tell you,

this isn't working. And as soon as I got that, I was like, Okay, well, so now tell me where I need to go and what I need to do. And the Bible like reading my Bible every morning, and I got into real, those plans on the Bible app and doing those and just that really just kept me focused and centered. And now over the years, it's changed in

its meditations. And I've interact, you know, I've interjected crystals and oils, and I've turned into even weirdo hippie than I already was, and because it's fun, energy, your journey, and I want to encourage others to do the same thing, because instead of immediately, here's the challenge. I challenge everyone, instead of immediately judging, whether it's right or wrong, stop and say, is that bringing them closer to love? Is it bringing

closer to their Creator? Is it helping them be a better person or try? You know, because I feel like people, if they see or hear something, and they're not doing it right, then then it must be wrong. Or I gotta hurry up and get that before everybody else does kind of thing. It's not a race. It's not a competition. The thing is with the Spiritual World, and God is there is enough love to go around for

everyone. So it's the whole thing of how can you say you love one child more than the other, and I explain it to them. I said, Love multiplies. It does not divide. And if you really know that, and believe that it changes a lot. Because you you, you realize you can love yourself, you do have worth and so I am worthy of that. And if someone says you're not, why do you care? What they

say? Yes. Because usually, the reason they're saying it, it's because they're trying to justify why they're not doing it, or whatever it is. So whether it's oils, meditation, you know, whatever. No, we were just spraying what was that? That Palo Santo, because it smells so good. And it lifts me up. Yeah, just makes me feel a little bit better, more grounded? I guess. No. I mean, it's, but that's, that's true

about the judgment. You know, I mean, I'm sure you'll have people who will turn this on that don't have a relationship with God and will probably immediately want to turn it off and shut it down. Like I don't want to listen to that. Yes. You know, and it's not about that and don't judge people if they're currently not in a

relationship with God. And I'm not here to bring you to God I'm not one of those who would like to talk to you about it and make you uncomfortable and bring me to it because my relationship with God has evolved over the years and it's not necessarily quote unquote what like maybe a church goers relationship with God looks like or you know, there's so many different forms and avenues and that is one of the best things about AAA is that you have to go in there

accepting a higher power. So many people go on there and don't believe his God and they're like, Well, you can accept that door right? There's your higher power as long as you're gonna and I'm like this bullshit. Like, what is that? You know, but if all the people you talk to over the years, they ended up recognizing there is something more, right and right, I see the person and I'm trying to get to him, because, and I probably won't ever know who they are. Maybe it'll be on the

other side, I haven't. But there's somebody out there that needs to hear this stuff in such a wide range eight people to reach people, I think completely alone, you know, and nowhere to go, or no one's talked to them about anything more than that Christian just hurt me. So I hate Christians. I hear that all the time. We're all judgmental, and they're so judged. Yeah, on and on. We're all spiritual beings and an earthly experience. We'd like to put people in boxes to feel better

about ourselves. And I try very hard not to do that anymore. Because I'm, I've been guilty of it. And same, you know, I've, I was a people pleaser, that was probably one of my issues. And why medicated a little bit self medicated. And now I've gotten very good at speaking my truth. And I've lost people along the way because of it. And that's been painful. But at the same time, if you're not going to, you know, like me for who I am, then we're probably not on the same frequency anyways, in this

lifetime. And, you know, you were brought in for a reason. And you can go for I think those I think of those times to have, you know, I was, I feel like I just needed me to drop a little seed in there, and me Hill water in two years, when somebody else comes by, and it'll grow. And I'll get them curious. But I do

know what you mean. I feel like as humans, most of us leaves situations or conversations, and we process and if we heard something that was uncomfortable, we immediately start to unravel it, because it's our brains trying to make sense of something. And what you were saying about, you know, this journey and what you went through and reading the Bible every day, it's about consistency to, to think and it's the little things and they

build on each other. The you read every morning, and then you would work out this kind of thing. You don't see the whole change that day. But in 30 days, you're a different person. And then almost nine years later to nine years now, almost nine years later, it's like, the Bible is a habit for me. I have two in the morning, even with my kids, they know it's like, I love you. I'm having my coffee. You don't talk to me for either, like 15 minutes, even if it's only 15 minutes, like mommy's to

do this to get right. So I'm gonna be right for y'all. I did the same thing every morning. Yeah, I do. I do. It starts off my day. And I feel like, I don't know what's going to happen today. How many times have we had things just come up and the worst things have happened, the best things have happened. And on just a nail right there. I look at that cross every morning. And I just say, Jesus,

align my day with yours. And protect my heart, protect my mind, like, help me, you know, with this life, and then I'll lose my shit one hour later. Yeah, exactly. So what are those other things that you've gotten into? Like when you're in your journey, and you've discovered some things? There's some things that I had and you are a Christian? Yeah. And you believe Jesus Christ died on the cross from Yes. And he rose again. You believe in the Holy Spirit. I

do. The God of Moses, Abraham, all that, and you have a gift. And I believe that Christ's power is within all of us. And you're not supposed to say that either. But I think why is that? You know, because they, the way they portrayed in a lot of churches is weird, damaged, horrible sinners that need just his grace to survive. And I believe that we are born from God and Christ is in us. And we are not horrible and damaged. We are amazing and beautiful and power full and we can heal

ourselves. And we can even help others heal. The power of God. Yes, by the side. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, I'm hoping we're moving into a world where people are going to start being able to barter or charge for their gifts because we all have so many we haven't tapped into yet. And it would be nice if people could, you know, so many people in the last few years with COVID have just been my job doesn't resonate anymore. I'm gonna start making jewelry I love

making jewelry. I'm gonna start you know, or something like that. It's changing I believe it is. I'm hopeful. I'm Hope there's a shift in that for sure. In the last year more and more people are like this just doesn't resonate anymore. This isn't who I am. It's like they see the programmed rat race we're in and we have to get out of that and it's like with all the damage COVID did so quickly in two years I hate even talking about I don't want to give it any power but we haven't seen

over the last 1015 years. The damage we've slowly done to ourselves and our children with like social media. It helps me guys like I right now. I'm like, What have I done to my kids? We've all we've all we've all done it even mine. I'm not gonna say they never get on a pad and play video game. I'm not gonna say ever never that have, you know the social media

on Instagram and Facebook? And it's just and we slowly introduced it, let it happen and it became a babysitter and it and it didn't look so good when he's so quiet Yes, on this phone over there because of quiet, I can get all this stuff done. And then you wonder, you know why they're depressed all of a sudden and why it's, you know, or why they've become so self centered that it's about them because social media has to be

about you. If nobody's liking your ship, and nobody's looking at everything you're doing, you know, it's all about me. It's unknown and then it goes to hitting the dopamine receptors so like a drug in their brain. And so it actually does that. Yeah, cuz you know, Myles said that in his he says, it's almost like nicotine it is. And it actually does, it hits a

dopamine receptor. Every time they log on, and they see something or they participate or whatever, where they actually have rehab now, no social media to addiction. Yes. Electronic addiction for kids, like kids, it gets so angry and violent, and they actually have rehab for that. My seven year old acts like a total Spaz, if he's on something like once in a while, they get some time. But after he'll act like a total Spass, it's like, mental flip out. And

I'm like, you're done. Like, get off, go outside, play Legos, do whatever. And within 30 minutes, he's like, he's definitely calm against his nature. It's the whole I hate having to tell him no, I hate it. When they look like they're like, I've been at school. Oh, Jay, for 10 hours. How I want to do was just wash my phone for a little bit. And you're like, kills me. I want to give them everything. That's the problem. Yeah, we love these kids so much. We want to just

give them everything. Yep. And then look what it does. Exactly. And it's been a decline over like such like, everyone's like COVID is like, dude, what have we been doing for 1520? I mean, yeah, longer now. I didn't have it growing up. You know, we didn't have social media. Yeah, growing up and you're lucky where we've got chicken, chicken rock or something. We'll wrap it up. Well, Taryn, Lindsey. Oh my gosh, my 10 best friends. I love them so much. I

think we're triplets. Yeah, we could be quick colonists cute and adorable because we're like 45 Well, shall I call you? Everyone's always like their peers. So they always said, Oh my god, they said, Is that like a fair few? Sounds like all companies. All compliments. Yeah. Thank you for listening to chatterbox radio. If you have a great story that you want to share to inspire courage, or just reach out, please do email us at podcast at

chatterbox radio.net. Until then, imagine breathing and all the love all the joy that you can possibly imagine building yourself up and go be a blessing to the people around you. Because they need you