What we know is that young people's minds are being developed by the technology. Some children are being raised with technology. It's an add-on to the relationships they have with siblings, teachers, parents. Some are Growing up, I had a friend who was allergic to cotton, so he couldn't wear certain shirts. The very fabric that would be on those shirts was something that made him break out in hives. Sometimes I feel like that's the way it is for technology. It's
just the fabric of our lives. At the same time, it's something that often grates against families. even individuals, but for sure the church. So as people who love the Lord and want our kids to have a deep relationship with the Lord, how do we engage a culture that we almost are really allergic to? I think whenever we talk about technology, especially with our families, It
can be a dark place. But today in the Celebrate Kids podcast in this daily segment, Facing the Dark, Dr. Kathy has some really helpful ways for us to think through this, even how to build a game plan to really attack what's happening and maybe even take some quote unquote medicine. So the fabric that we might be allergic to with technology to use that word picture doesn't cause us to break out in hives. So let's turn now to Dr. Kathy
Cook. So, Dr. Cathy, the AAP, the American Academy of Pediatrics, has officially released some recommendations for kids of different ages and what they should do with screen time. I don't want to jump into their recommendation, but I want to ask actually talk about the reality of what parents still have to grapple with in terms of the trade-offs and practicalities with tech use. It's hard for many of us that are parents to imagine really forbidding social media. really almost even before the age
of 16. That's something that's suggested by New York University psychologist and Anxious Generation author
Jonathan Haidt, something we've talked about here in the program. Some just see that there's a reality of the active role of kids and really their world and their community online and also in person being really kind of dovetailing together and how when we do limit them in some of those categories and spaces, especially as the mature from ages 16 to 18, that it can often deprive them of the opportunity to, I mean, learn and
even manage technology themselves. So some people have really come up with this idea of having four simple rules that you put forward when you're engaging your kids in tech use. One is to really choose age-appropriate content, being really mindful of what is appropriate for kids. and their different developmental patterns and what they should engage and engage together. Another thing is this idea of watching
things together. We had this happen last night even. My son has been texting a girl that he, you know, worked with at a Bible camp and he really enjoys this girl. I would say enjoys is a nice way of saying that he likes her and wants to have a forever relationship with her, right? We have a policy in our house that kids just show us what's on their screens. And so my wife and I were thumbing through his texts with him sitting right there talking about it. We were watching his tech
use together. Another idea is that we don't let screens come between the parent and the child. And that's something that we've really worked really hard in our family to do. I mean, to the point of where there is oftentimes stomping off into the distance and then regrouping because we have to talk through, hey, we're not going to let screens impact our relationship. So if I have to get rid of my phone or you have to get rid of this device, then we're going to do that because we're not going to
let it come between us. You know, the fourth idea is that we don't let TVs kind of be white noise in the background of our life, that we don't let screens or music or television just kind of play some kind of background track to us as we go forward. I really like those four simple rules, but I think that managing screen time is actually the greatest parenting challenge of
this era. What's really a good philosophy from your standpoint for us to follow with screen time, knowing that much of it actually is part of the, I don't know if you'd call it cultural milieu or actually like developmental pattern Yes, these are challenging times. I'm glad we talk about this as often as we do, Wayne, because it matters greatly. And I do agree that these four conclusions are encouraging. And by the way, you didn't state this in your opening, but
I was extremely impressed with the size of this study. and the number of people who were engaged and involved. And so I want our listeners to take it seriously. So what's a good philosophy? I
would say, believe the truth. We can feel like there's nothing going wrong in our home, but when there's major research done with thousands of people and the experts say these are guidelines, then wouldn't we want to love well and say, hey, I don't know enough to know whether or not I'm right, but those guys know enough to know if they're right. So let's go along with that. I would say in our homes, Bible
first, disciple our kids. So scripture, devotional, worship, whatever kind of a quiet time is age appropriate, whatever time of the day is appropriate. Maybe for your youngest children, they don't do it on their own, but you do it with them, but Bible first. Responsibilities, some people call them chores. That's a negative word. I like the word responsibility. Have you finished your responsibilities? You
know, I've done mine as your mom. Have you done yours? Third, schoolwork, certainly, whether you're homeschool or you send your kids off to school and there's homework. And if there isn't homework, everybody should be reading. So reading is the best way to develop the mind for academic success. a listening vocabulary, et cetera, to make sure that our kids are doing their schoolwork, doing it on time, doing it before they're so fatigued that it'll be done badly. I would say
also to play with siblings. I would put playtime really importantly. It's when kids play, they discover how the world works. When they play, they develop their imagination and their curiosity. And if they're doing it with siblings, good heavens, that's significantly important because these relationships are life-giving. They're supposed to
be anyway. And those are supposed to be relationships that last forever. And I would say, then technology, I'd also put rest in there, making sure that they sleep well at night, which means that they go to bed at the right time. And depending on the age of your kids, quiet time or a nap time in the middle of the day. I would prioritize those things before
I love that, Dr. Cathy. I think that's really helpful even to develop. I think for us as parents, kind of a game plan, a little bit of a structure or a scaffold for us to really attack what's happening in our family. And you made some comments in there about kind of the trends inside of culture, especially with the number of people, the thousands of people that were a part of this study, is really
special and dynamic for us, I think, as parents to understand. Our friend John Stonestreet really has this kind of saying that he has where it's something to the effect of statistics aren't the destiny for individuals, but they are for civilizations. And we need to understand what those things kind of do. So as we're kind of looking at this and building out this scaffold, I think sometimes it's helpful for us to have a better understanding of what technology or
screens actually do to us. That sometimes I think can help us build a stronger scaffolding or a stronger game plan as we build our family kind of attention or philosophy on this. So what do screens actually do to us and Yeah, it's so important, isn't it? What we know is that young people's minds are being developed by the technology. Some children are being raised with technology. It's an add-on to the relationships they have with siblings, teachers, parents.
Some are being raised by technology, which means that Their greater influence is the screen in front of them, even more so than moms and dads, because moms and dads have advocated the responsibility. They're on their screens too. By the way, everything I said as an answer to that first question about Bible responsibilities, reading, playing. Resting, all that applies to adults as well. And we've got to model that in order for our kids to see that we truly do see it
as the way to right living. So what we know is that the younger kids begin to use tech, the more influence their brain, the more their brain will be influenced by it. We know that guys' brains aren't finished until 25 and a woman's brain at age, about age 23. So those of us who are older than 25 and 23, when we began using technology, We added
it to our lives, right? So our brains were being developed already by typewriters, if you will, by a landline, an answering machine, having to drive to a record store, having to drop off a roll of film, having to be home to watch a show at seven o'clock because that was the only time you could watch it. versus today's kids who think that choice and freedom is always going to be at their beck and call. And that's the
difficulty, right? If we allow tech to be their everything, then they expect to always have choice and freedom and to have happiness because they X out of games they might lose. That's also why they're dropping out of college like flies, because they cannot handle something harder than that. So it's complicated, right? I think technology teaches children how the world works. And we can be really honest, if you allow your kids to game a lot and scroll social media and go to these
viral videos, and that's your right to make these decisions. When you allow that to be the norm, they will begin to think that they should behave like that and that their brain and their heart and all of their behavior should be like that. I will say one other thing. So we're addicted to the adrenaline drop. We're addicted to this idea that we can have whatever we want when we want it, which
is why we complain and argue so much. And I'm also going to say, Wayne, that one of the ways that screens affect us is to actually increase isolation. That's why I'm so grateful that this study recommends that you do screens with your family or with other people. It's much healthier to be like, I love that you and your wife are sitting with your
son and looking at the text thread and talking him through it. I like that, you know, we watch shows with our kids and we ask, what do you think about how that character handled that situation? That's what makes it meaningful in a teachable moment. So, but if we allow our kids
on screens too much, their eyes are down. They're not engaged and they will isolate and now their social skills are delayed and they're emotionally immature and all of these things are going to affect how they handle post high school activities when we're not there present as much. It's going to affect decision making. And those are the things we're beginning to see when we look at young adult stress and we look at decision making that young adults are making, we can see the
effect that tech is having. So let's not be foolish here. Let's know that There is an impact, some of it's positive, certainly it can build curiosity, but there's a lot of negativity here
Yeah, I think there is, Dr. Cathy. And, you know, it leads me to this kind of final point that I wanted to make with this topic on really the fact that for many of us, we learned manners and how we should, you know, kind of address things as we enter, maybe even our home or it's sometimes it's kind of referred to as like the table, right? The table is the perfect place where we have manners, right? We have a way that we approach the table. There's a, there's
certain things that are not allowed at the table. I don't know if it was like this for you, but whenever we would get a phone call during dinner at like 530 to 630, it was, my dad was a little bit unhinged. He was so appalled that somebody would dare call us during dinnertime, right? Exactly. etiquette that we had, right? And kind of this approach to life. And I think that in many ways, we've allowed different things to
infiltrate that. We've allowed our etiquette or our manner muscles to really kind of atrophy or maybe even we don't have an etiquette or a manner for how we kind of address this. How do we really set up kind of an etiquette or some manners for our home as we're looking to really engage technology to have it really align with or First of all, we have to have family values. Can I
just put that out there? In my latest book, Parent Differently, Raised Kids with Biblical Character that Changes Culture, I make a really strong statement about our values, which I pray are rooted in a biblical worldview, should be leading our decision-making and our choices, the way we spend our time and our talents and our resources and what we believe about people, et cetera. So, you know, some people who are listening need to go, wait a second, I'm supposed to have values? For
my family? Absolutely. You know, your family was ordained by the Lord. You were put together, perfectly imperfect parents with perfectly imperfect children. And what do you stand for? What is going to be your mantra? What is your vision statement? How are you known? What is the Stender family all about? You know, for me, I loved being Don and Arlene Cook's daughter. And many of you know that my mom's father was mayor of our city. So we were the Meyer clan and we were
proud of that. My cousins, my brother and myself, we took it seriously. We had values because of the extended multi-generational family. And those values should be controlling. How we spend our talent. What do we invest in? our resources, where do we give, and our time? What do we spend our time on? And so, absolutely, and you know what, Wayne, if we knew our values and we could defend and explain them, and we were raising up our children to be proud of our values,
man, I'm glad you're my daddy. I really like that this is what we believe about God and people and the way the world works. And then you say, this is why we make decisions the way we make decisions. This is why the first Saturday of every month we volunteer. This is why the second Saturday of every month, we drive two hours to visit grandma and grandpa. This is why we do what we do, and that includes when
and where and how we use technology. I think it makes parents' job easier if kids know that they're not just making flippant decisions based on their mood, but there is something that is foundational to You know, as Dr. Kathy was talking today, I was reminded of a passage that comes out of Philippians chapter 2, and I'll begin reading at verse 12. Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only in my presence, but much more in my absence, work
out your salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. This church in Philippi was really being established in some really powerful and unique ways in the region. And this letter really gives them a picture of their imitation of Christ and how they were called to imitate Christ and to be really a light inside of their
community. In all of this, the passage that I just read is almost a linchpin inside of the whole book, where it calls the church and these believers to be people who explore their salvation, to really work it out and have this perspective of it really being something that's sacred and holy. I think that's a little bit of the way that I feel with technology and how it's impacting our kids' lives and my life and sometimes reshaping the things that I love and work for and really even build my
life around. I think there's an important dynamic here that we can learn from what the writer is giving to the church in Philippi. to really take some time and work this out, and maybe reorganize some things in our lives, and to communicate that we're trying to reorganize some things. I've discovered that with my kids, when I bring them into the fold, when I say, man, I'm really just struggling with, I don't know, this thing that I've read in Scripture. Can
I talk to you about it? What do you think about it? and kind of bring them into the fold there a little bit. It shows them that they can actually work out different things in their life and that they can build a little bit of a confidence or a security in Christ that He is someone who will walk with them through hard times or
even walk with them through confusing times. I think doing that with our kids can really give them a bright light to shine and cut through some of the dark times that they're going to experience in their future and maybe that we're experiencing right now as a family. And I hope that's an encouragement to you. And I hope this whole podcast, this whole week has been an encouragement to you. As we wrap up, I just want to make sure that you know that we do have a short course running right now.
It's on the 8th grade smarts. And I want to encourage you to go to the website, sign up for it, and then join us for a live Q&A session next week with Dr. Cathy. For more information on that, just go to CelebrateKids.com. Now, on behalf of Dr. Cathy Cook, my name is Wayne Stender. I'm really thankful you joined us this week, and I'm looking forward to seeing you