Blumpkin here we go. Blumpkin. Another episode of Infinite Quests? Yeah. Have Etica. What? Yeah, I'm here. I'm here. What's going on? What are you doing? I was singing the intro song for the, you know, for the episodes. That's wonderful. Blumpkin. Very well done. Well, thanks very much. Oh, hey, that's a money found shirt you're wearing around there. Where'd you get that? No. Well, it's funny you should notice that, Blumpkin. Thank you very much. It's very.
Fun. I always noticed the little things about you have it, you do, and I do love that about you. All right. But Blumpkin, it's, it's funny you should mention it because I'm, as it happens, Infinite Quest has a bunch of new merchandise on our Red Bubble shop really have. Yes, we have character, concept art. We've got some Infinite Quest stuff. We've got some ADHD and D stuff. We've got some Vola Fiona's Community College tshirts which I'm very, very proud of.
That's very voluptuous Community College, you know, I like. That's my favorite place. It's where I do a lot of adjunct work on the side. You know, because it's venturing, doesn't. Pay the bills where you got all that crumply money that you have in your pocket? Sometimes yes. Well, if you have crumply money in your pocket that you want to spend on Infinite Quest merchandise, you can by visiting the link in the episode
description. So I don't know if you ever saw the first part of this whole thing, but we got a part one if you want to go listen to that. It might make this one make a little more sense, but. Basically, we met a gnome in the Tavern. He's really wide and he wants us to help him cross this forest called the Unified Forest because of all the unicorns. So now we we left the ball, we had some nice honey, sweet honey tea, and now we're leaving the Tavern on our way to the forest. That's it.
Did I did I say that right? That was everything was right. That was right. Right. Yeah, that was that was wonderful. Fantastic. It was a very good episode. Can I can I say it this time? Can I say, can I say it? Yes, you can say it. Translation close enough. You travel on foot from full with anus. It is not a long journey to the edge of the Unified Forest. The bath is straightforward. And easy to follow. Well walked, though you don't encounter any other travelers
along the way. Out of town, roll a perception check. That's a that's a six. Great. Cool. So I see nothing and I immediately fall down. Six as you travel. Along the path, you hear a strange, melodic warbling just out of sight, accompanied by brilliant flashes of flame and fireworks. There's the sound of cheering and applause, which quickly dies down as the music resumes. Roll a Wisdom saving. OK, I just want to say that Blumpkin, for some reasons, wonders what the word warble means.
He's no idea why, but it just comes into his head and he wondered. I mean, to be clear, this is the you're hearing like Kaleo. Oh, I know, I know. I just. I think it'd be cool. Blumpkin is like an absolutely fucking useless character, save for his like, might and stuff, but he's just somehow like breaching realms of reality. Like it's not gonna come to anything. It's a work in progress. Anyways, I'm rolling now. I rolled an 8. I rolled an 18. He's got sound effects.
You are charmed and you feel compelled. Oh, Helvetica just fucking straight up Mom arms and she doesn't even think she hears some weird fucking music in the woods and she fucking Mom Arms Blumpkin so hard. She's like, no, we talked about this. We're not. What? No. You you really want to go? Do I roll a save like a saving fell for that to see if I? Resist. No, you already did and you failed. It so. I go ah lumpkin plumpkin 123 eyes on me.
In this case, knuckle nuts like looks at you and looks at him. Go, knuckle nut lump, Go. Want to go? Want to go? Want to go, gentlemen? Look at me, both of you. Alright, I understand. But this is a trap. This is not good. Rule one of being in the woods is if you hear music and flashing lights you don't follow, hit them. I don't understand. I know this because my family used to own a campground and rule #1 is don't follow the lights. It's really. Rule #3 I believe you know what, Chris?
Like there's an inside joke I'm not getting. I'll tell you when you're older, Blumkin. All right. Actually, you know what she does? You know what fucking hell Vatica does. Blum. King. Could you be a Dick? Could you Could you give me a rope for a moment, please? I just want to look at it. I very briefly forget how enamored I am with the music to be excited that I could serve any function to you whatsoever. It's so wholesome. I go. Oh yeah.
And I throw off my pack. And produce the rope for. You wonders. Like a kindergartener showing a drawing. To it, you sort of like, shove the rope into her hands and then you're you're off. And then I run. OK, Blumkin, Blop, Blop, oh. I have my hands up in the air, flailing wildly while stepping unusually widely. Dota. So sort of like a. And you can brief, You can hear me going, oh, all right, well, fuck all of this noise. As you approach the source of the sound, you find a brightly
painted show wagon. A pair of Halfling Wizards greet you and proceed to put on a fanciful display of sparks and flames meant to amuse and bewilder. Hi, welcome to the. Show Wait, could you repeat that again? I was. I was off in ADHD world. Hi, welcome Bow. And they just shoot fireworks from their fingers and they're like, yeah, welcome to the show. I immediately start jumping around, trying to catch whatever I perceive the fireworks to be. Am I am have knuckle nuts and I followed.
Yes, knuckle nuts is like yay. I've cast the can trip light onto my holy symbol and it's multi colored. It's multi colored light, it's very bright. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to take it off from around my neck and I'm gonna start spinning it like this, which if it is flashing, turns it into like one of those things that you get like when you go to like the ice skating rink and like the Ice Capades, you know, and you like get the light up toy or
whatever. And I'm gonna be like lumpkin knuckle nut. Look over here, boys. Wait, what does the can trip thing actually do? Are you just using the light effects from it? Yeah, that's the only thing it does. Took yeah just like shit up and so I just turned it into a multi colored thing and now I'm swinging around so it looks like
a moving circle full of light. All right, Lumpkin turns his focus from the previous fireworks and looks at the spinny thing and starts to try to grab it, but then remembers that we've talked about this and puts his hand at his side, but remains very much so enamored with the spinny, lighty thing. At this, the Halflings are like, hey, you trying to steal our show? Nope, I'm not. I'm just practicing my own peaceful with. You. This is our show. Yep. Peaceful with you friends.
And also with you. All right boys, come on. Finally. OK, Can you go back? And can you say Rodrigo appears in magnificent splendor? And then it'll be a very funny reference for like 4 people. Rodrigo appears in magnificent splendor. Thank you. And he is a big mean looking goblet. Oh fuck me. Roll for initiative? Whoo. I think you're just like whorking the dice down. 14 I'm developing a style for great. What a good day for me. So the initiative starts with the little halflings.
One of them rears back and just channels like a little ball of fire and he throws it at Helvetica. We're like 2 minutes into this forest. Did we? It's but since we got fucked up, Blomkin, you fucked up. What did I do? You did the spinny thing. Yeah, I tried to save you. From I could have. I could have kicked all them's asses. I'm just saying. Well, you'd be your about to, yeah, I suppose. Yeah, it rears back and throws A fireball at Helvetica and hits
her for two damage, so 1 1/2. Pulled back and threw a fireball at Helvetica. Another is gonna rear back and throw a ice bolt towards you. Sorry, what's my name again? Bumpkin, there you go and say my name but it. Goes. And then Rodrigo comes around and he's like advancing on you, Helvetica, but like Knuckle Dutts of all people gets in the way. And. So fucking wide this guy. The widest and Rodrigo attempts to throw something in knuckle nuts. He's a rock gnome, right?
He's got Gray skin and like the this big old Rodrigo brings a club down and like literally, like I want you in a match. He hits knuckle nuts right square in the head and knuckle nuts like does not flinch. OK. That's a useful guy. Also, I'm picturing like that guy from Doctor Who with like the tiny little head and like the fake. I don't watch Doctor. I'm picturing that you know that one Kanye West music video, which I'm surprised that I seem to read that he has the huge box
frame. The other one, No, no, I barely do. I know the name of the song. I just somebody showed it to me at some point and I went and I went and now it's. Now that's. Pretty cool and Knuckle Knots proceeds to like. Produce a long sword that is literally like basically as tall as he is, and like attempts to swing it at Rodrigo but misses. But those two are pretty well wrapped in each other and it is your go lumpkin. So he swings, misses with the long sword. Rodrigo misses an attacking
knuckle nuts, right? Knuckle nuts. Produces succeeded in hitting right. And Knuckle Up produces a long sword. Yes, and attacked the goblin, but missed. But missed. OK, Rodrigo. Oh, sure, is my first combat sequence. Oh my gosh. So. So at this point, like is how far away you're. Within, you're with close enough that you can get within. With any of the things. OK. So I for one, I go into a rage. Yeah. And I take out my great acts and I say, all right, Stephen.
Here we oh shit. All right, Steven, here we go. Kill it again. And. Is that copyrighted? That's copyrighted the name of your sword, Steven. The name of the axe is Steven. Yeah, OK, cool. So I say all. Right, Steven, here we go. Kill it. Again, and I and I and I lunged for it. I wield Steven above my head and I attack Rodrigo with my Steven. So you you go in and join Nothing Nuts and taking on Steven, roll a D20 for your attack. He was the largest object there. Why?
I had to do it. Jesus Christ for, yeah, you. Fuck. As I miss like I go. The half wing isn't carrying alongside the gnome is He's a very broad gnome. The broadest of gnomes, certain sides of Barnes, are jealous. That was a. And now it is. Now it is Helvetica start. Okay. Well, Helvetica is frantically flipping through her spell book in that way that makes dungeons and drag. It's really interesting to
watch. Helvetica grabs her, her holy symbol, and she holds her hands out together like this, like thumbs touching. And her, I guess. Do I have to? How do I fucking roll for a spell, Chris? I genuinely don't know. You're you're attacking with the spell, Yes. You roll the D20. OK, that's it. OK, I roll a D12. What do you roll? That's a net one. And we go in that one. So yeah, set myself on fire and die.
Yeah, that doesn't go well. You basically attempt to channel this spell and instead, like here's the problem with that role of wisdom saving Carl. Is that a fucking one again? No, that's a 7 Jesus Christ, OK? 7. That let's be clear. Do I add my modifier to it though? The the seven I rolled 7 but do I add +2? It's a Wisdom savings though, so you had +2 plus that. It's still not enough, OK? So yeah, you are you. You feel charmed and compelled to enjoy the the, the light. I hate this.
OK. All right. Well, now we're starting to get along well. And with that, I've done a bad job, all right. With that the the smoke sense like. One of the halflings goes Oh, so now you're ready to enjoy the show? And proceeds to like, pick up another fireball. I'm really disappointed in your performance today, Katie. It's very hurtful. Thank you. I'm sorry it hurts so much to laugh and you keep making me laugh and I'm not mad. About that is actually my job, right?
It's making me really happy. But it also hurts a lot. It's I'm very conflicted every time Blumkin speaks. Oh. So yeah, one of them rears back and throws a fire bolt at knuckle nuts. And it's knuckle nuts squarely and. Really squarely, rectangularly in the. And you know just like knuckle nuts, like tenses up at that. Like he's that did hurt and he's like. The other one rears back and proceeds to take another attack, and once again his ray of frost goes weirdly wide and.
Gotta stop using the word wide around knuckle nuts, man. Rodrigo, you attacked Rodrigo as well. So Rodrigo is turning to you now is going to take his. Way of you, gosh. But he only managed to roll a. Seven. So I don't think that's gonna
hit you. And then knuckle nuts, now fairly well singed from that fireball that it has him knuckle nuts like takes his long sword and like steadies himself and just literally like raises it up and with his full weight behind it, which is a lot because he's a very broad. Nose that squares nome. Brings it down on Rodrigo and for a moment. It seems like Rodrigo is fine. And then a moment later is abundantly clear that he is very not fine just here. And I'm just gonna.
I'm just gonna do the gesture. This is Rodrigo. Now this is Rodrigo. He splits in half. What's that? What's That Bilaterally Horror Movie? Where it's oh, it's scary. Movie 3 No, no, no. It's a it's a it's it's house on haunted Hill where the guy is like no 13 ghosts where he's like did the lawyer split like that? Well, also, I just want to say, they referenced that in Scary Movie 3 when what's the guy, the winning guy, Hashtag winning that. What's that guy?
Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen, his character, is asking about his wife, who's apparently been bisected by a car accident, and he's just sort of the bit as he. Sort of he. Inexplicably starts pulling out food items to be like does he break in half like this and he breaks a hot dog down the length and he goes or like this and he grabs a sub and he pulls the two things apart? And then also in a movie, Wrong turn. You guys three. Yeah, I think we forgot to order
sushi. Yeah, I. Know. Hi everybody. Congratulations for making it to the middle of the episode. Okay, this is really Eric. This time I gotta take a break from doing that voice. Thank you so much everyone for listening. I really appreciate it. Katie and I have been working insanely hard. On getting these D&D episodes out, they take a lot longer to edit because there's just so much to go through, but just to all of our patrons, your support means the world to us.
Thank you so much, and if any of you are interested in supporting us financially, please visit patreon.com/infinite Quest. I'm currently planning a move to Atlanta so I can live near Katy and we can start doing Katy and Eric Infinite quest. Tick tocky, take over the world stuff. Together, and they would just your support would mean the absolute world to me, to us. So thank you. And we also know that sometimes you do not have the funds to
support and that is okay too. Because one really amazing and freeway that you can support us is just by going to your podcast platform of choice and leaving us a review. Reviews on Podcast World are like the TikTok equivalent of clout and they help us out more than you will ever know and just helping us get the word out. Let people know that we exist, let people know that you like us and tell people about us some.
It is the best way that you can support us without costing yourself anything and we would be so grateful for that. So from both of us, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you all so much and we really, really appreciate your support. We're also starting to do Q&A episodes, perhaps biweekly.
We're not exactly sure, but if you'd like to submit any questions to us, feel free to e-mail us at [email protected], as well as if you have any comments about the show, anything you liked, anything you didn't like. Your feedback is always useful. So with that, I'm gonna bring my good friend Blumpkin back as long as he's done in the bathroom. Over. Yeah. All right. Yeah. All right. Yeah, I'm back. I'm sorry about that. That sounded really.
That sounded like a really bit. I was. I was like pulling on my heartstrings from all the way over there. But anyways, I'm ready to go back to the show. So here we go. Ready. I'm gonna say it this time because everybody goes not here. So I'm just Oh yeah, you can. Can I try it again? You can. Because I don't think I did it. All right. Here. Ready. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Translation. That's good, right? You've almost got so close. I'm gonna get it on this last one, I promise.
So close. No. Blumkin turns and is off putting Ly unfazed by the bisection that has just occurred in front of him, and instead just kind of glances at knuckle nuts and then glances at Helvetica and he yells to Helvetica. Hey, remember that? One time I did that. Do you remember? I just want to make sure you remember what was that. Oh, I took a gun. I took my ex where I took Stephen and I took him and I went. Shackle. That's not my cat's phrase. It is now. And I could have gone and a
half. I just want to make sure you remember that. I do remember that that was the. Was that the 4th or the 5th time? That was I lost count after four. What comes after 5? I lost kind of. After three, alright. Yeah, it was something like that. It was less than my fingers. This guy's getting Dumber by the He really isn't very charming. Yeah. Let's be clear, the halflings. They're still there. They well. Oh wait, so it's my institute to attack too, right? Turn to attack. Did I just waste?
That and they're like talking we're gonna kill you guys and their their demeanor has completely changed. Did I just waste my turn talking to Helatica? I just want to point out is that you haven't, he hasn't taken an action. Yet, no, you have not. You haven't taken an action. Yet. OK, take an action, but technically he can't. In their in their shock, suddenly one of these halflings isn't a halfling, it's a goblin. Whoa, Shyamalan. OK, OK, so in that case, Blumpkin doesn't even.
He just doesn't even really register that he that he's changed shape and just kind of like goes to swing at him with his with Stephen. But when he swings at Stephen, he was originally swinging at the shorter half Wizards. Are they sure? I imagine are half of Wizards shorter than. I mean, they're got they're goblins, so they're they're they're about the same size. They're both small. So I wrote that very
incorrectly. Anyways, I barely take note and I I swing Stephen at. OK, the one that changed ooh baby 16. Yeah, that's a hit. Sick. So roll a D12 and you're going to add 2 plus your strength modifier, so it should be five overall that you're adding to this, which I roll an 11, so that's a 16. Yeah, you you you tried to copy Rodrigo neck on the right. Well, so like, here's the thing I would say about it, you generally succeed in your attempt. You get swedged, like maybe
halfway down his. Abdominal cavity. But it's still effective. It's still well, I don't know how the timing of this works, but I'm very pleased to see that I've hit. But then sort of. My eyes turned sad when I realized that I didn't cut clean through. You're. Like, just like and I consider it a failure or just just. Generally other the other one that was still in the guise of a halfling like is like. Joshua.
Joshua apparently like. Like. In his like rage and confusion, his Dissent guy self drops as well. And he's a goblin too. Whose initiative is it is? Here. Oh, it's my turn. I think that Helvetica being terribly throw Bubbles terribly embarrassed by her poor performance. She's just gonna fucking pull out her warhammer, I think. And she's gonna kind of like. Give give Blumkin the like, I got the hammer out. Like let's fuck the party. Remember the volcano.
Like let's go remember the volcano. And I think I'm gonna. I'm just gonna try and get a get a little Bang Bang, smacky smack on the last Goplin. The the look of despair. And mom Blumkin's eyes disappear as he remembers the volcano Got you. We gotta figure out we. Have the volcano on this goddamn volcano. So rolling stack roll. 10. No, that's not going to do it. Helvetica is functional. Did you really just? She's a good mouth, but not really particularly useful in a fight.
Yeah, so. So bad. The the remaining goblin wizard rears back and throws a final ray of frost at. Let me get like a trace you can. Go here. No, that's fine. OK? Because I want to slip. Want you guys to see the results. It does hit blonket, no? And fun. Can you take 4 frost damage? Oh my gosh. OK, so that's hit points -4, right? So now it's 10. Not the nuts. Sort of like gets up and turns around and sort of lumbers over to the last goblin. And Yep, he hits.
And if he cuts this motherfucker in half, I swear to God, it's OK. And you know he he manages to like he doesn't come in half he just sort of like runs him through OK and then like sort of like he literally has him mounted on this long sword and sort of like waves him are like he he like struggles to like. The the goblin dies and and then he's like running it on the ground. Like he's like trying to get him off of the sword. Like Peter, Peter Griffin and the Frog.
That's jokes for like poor people as well. So I Blumpkin looks at him and ceases to hold in the fart that he's been holding him this entire time. Well, get his farts quietly into the evening. It also doesn't make a sound, but he knows. He knows that that was his retort. Congratulations, you've solved my magical goblin wizard puzzle. Can I can can research the wagon and see if there's any cool shit inside? Yes you can.
I need to roll for it. No, in fact, I'll just let you let you do it. You find between the the three goblins, you find about 15 Gold Hill. Yeah, which you split three ways with knuckleheads. So you should get 5 gold. It's not a lot, but it's, you know, it's not nothing. How much gold do we spend on the tea? Do we ever pay for the tea? Just paid for. Like, yeah, we've won gold. Just one gold. But I mean I. A material gold that that doesn't. Like I. Won't burn it.
You got you got 5 gold. That was very expensive tea. You got 5 gold right now. OK, total, we start with 10, didn't we? Uh. Sure you. Well, you got, in fact you got 20 gold from picking up the job, so you now have 25 gold. OK, probably say that, but we do we start with 10. Yes. So you're 35. OK, I'm just gonna just, you know. What kind of bar service? Bar services OK. So I have 34 and you have 30. Yeah.
You also find a disguise, kid. I think I'm gonna take, I'm gonna look at fucking Blumpkin and Gray refrigerator boy, and I'm just gonna take it like it's just it. It's fine, yeah. Blumpkin briefly considers his life as a different half orc. There are visions of boats and various various lovely verandas. Good word. Thank you. You wouldn't know what we would call a veranda to him. It's just pretty.
And then very quickly turns his focus back to the fact that that little fucking half elf, God damn, cut a guy in half and I didn't even get. Past Helvetica notices that. Bumpkin is sad. And so she reaches indigenous guys kid, and she pulls out one of those like glasses with a must, and she just hands it to Blumpkin. Blumpkin. Blumpkin looks at her longingling, his tears welling up, but he doesn't want to cry
for the second time today. And so he places the glasses on his face, not realizing that they are in fact disguises, just thinking that they make him look good. And he leaves them there thinking, also thinking that he can see better now that he's put them on. And and more more importantly, as you're, you know, switching around, you finally you're digging around like in the the cab of the wagon and you find a switch and turn off that goddamn music. Yes, there we go.
Oh. That and with that you're managed to like sort of collect yourselves and like, I mean, do you do anything with the wagon, you just leave it there. I mean with all. Bodies. Oh, all right. I think that Helvetica has the presence of mind to put all of the bodies in the wagon. Because we're we can't, like, take the wagon, right. So it's not like a four shirt yet. So I think she puts all of the bodies. She hasn't. Well, she. She doesn't. She's not.
No, no, no. Blunken and and knuckle nuts put the bodies in the wagon for her and then she lights it on fire. I know that the first thing I thought well, just to just blump can have anytime at all to do anything with this wagon before you you laterally decided to light it on fire. I. Don't. Know you you had the time to like, load the bodies on the wagon. I guess that's true.
That's right. Well, just so as as as Blumpkin loads the final body or the final half of the final body on the wagon, he notes the shoelaces of the of the shoe and and switches the shoelaces from his shoes with the ones on the body, thinking the shoelaces to be the reason that he can't tie his shoes successfully and leaves very confident that he can now tie his shoes given his new shoelaces. This is this is just really sad. So charming. That I. Have actual feelings about it?
It's fine if anybody hurts this guy. So yeah, you, you burn the wagon down and you. You know, roll a Jesus. Christ the world holds its breath. The world waits. Roll up, roll up. We'll call it a survival. You're you're keeping track of this fire check. OK. Here. You're you want your cool, this is. How you start a Forest fired HAM team. I'm from California. Is way too soon. Congratulations, the forest doesn't burn down. I wasn't really gonna do that to you anyway, but it's gonna be a
funny joke. Oh wait, so we just rolled one just for the world? Yeah, yeah, sometimes our collective luck. Sometimes as long as one success happens then everything works out OK OK, OK. Someone wants to know if Blumpkin is now able to tie his own shoes, or does he just think he can tie his own? I suppose we'll find out. Perhaps he can tie his shoes. Certainly believes he can, though. At least the one that's important. Maybe he ties his shoes, You know, placebically.
And it is there that we leave our adventures for this episode. But don't worry, we'll be back with more ADHD and D soon. But congratulations, you made it to the end of the episode. And thank you so much for listening to Infinite Quest next week. Just a reminder, we're going to do another Q&A. So get your questions into us and you can send them to us by e-mail at [email protected] or you can send them in VR website which is infinitequestpodcast.com.
The week after that, we have a Christmas special episode where I believe, I believe, Katie, we're going to hear your. Is it time? Is it finally time A Christmas Carol Turkey rant? Which? Body is so ready. It should better be ready. Katie We've been hyping us for we've been accidentally hyping this for a very long time. Started it started out as a joke. It started out as like like a legitimate joke. And then it just and then people were like, well, what's the rant?
And then I was like, now I have to actually do the rant. But lucky for you, I have. Three days of academic scholarship under my belt and I am ready to rant about the Christmas Carol Turkey. So I also want to point out how many times in my and Katie's actual life you have like just started going. On this rant and we've had to be like no, I. Don't wanna. I don't wanna ruin. I want it to be a surprise.
Yeah, I wanted to be a surprise. I'm sorry that I care about your Turkey raid experience, because you only get to hear it for the first time once. That's true, and I don't know if I'm excited or just genuinely scared for all of us. I don't know. I'm I'm very. We should tell them about the the the extra special Christmas Patreon thingy too. Yeah, Katie and I are recording a Christmas album special because she made a joke on Alive one time about us recording a Christmas.
So now that's happening. So expect that at some point before December 25th probably. Maybe. Well, it might be a New Year's Christmas album, but we have ADHD, so who knows. And we'll do our best. But anyways, thank you so much everybody for listening to this second Deand episode. We hope you enjoyed it and we will see you next time. And in the meantime, as always, thank you all so much for your support, thank you so much for listening, and be kind to yourself this week.
We love you. Transition. Hey, Blobkin, yeah. I'm very proud of you.