The Unexpected Joys of Being a Caregiver (Abridged Version)

and my guests as you're weekly walking buddies. We'll hear stories from caregivers and gain tips and insights from health experts and advocates who know how important it is to take care of yourself and manage joint pain due to arthritis that often accompanies being a caregiver. Will discover community, ourselves and maybe even alleviate some joint pain due to arthritis in the process as we walk together and connect to the best parts of being a caregiver. Welcome back

to care Walks. I'm so glad you're here today. How are you feeling? You know it's okay if the answer is I'm okay or I'm hanging in there, because it's important to acknowledge and recognize our feelings, especially if we're not caregiving is twenty four seven, and it's okay to say you know what I'm struggling today. That is the first step to asking for help and finding time to take care of yourself. I'm also hoping today's show can

be an uplifting self care moment for you too. As a reminder, right now, you're listening to the abridged version of this episode, but if you're looking to get a little extra inspiration, don't miss a minute. Check out the full length version of this episode in your podcast feed. All right, I'm really looking forward to today's episode. We're

talking about the joys of being a caregiver. We talked so much about how hard and difficult caregiving can be, which is true, but caregiving can bring a lot of bright moments too. So I know that from my own experience, being a caregiver gave me some really valuable quality time with my father. We had a lot of deep conversations and it became a time where we really got to work on and improve our relationship. Today, I'll be joined

by caregiver Rob Phobian. Rob is the chief Community Engagement Officer for the Austin Groups for the Elderly and Central Texas, but he's also been a primary caregiver for the last twenty four years for his husband, who suffers from early onset dementia. While finding how to strike a balance between the many aspects of his busy schedule. Rob has found boundless joy in the relationship that caregiving has forged and understands the importance of finding support and joy throughout his journey.

Before we get to my conversation with Rob, let's get walking. Yeah, let's bring our full attention to this walk. Find things to anchor onto in this moment to help you stay present, whether it's the feeling of the ground beneath you or focusing on the sound of my voice. Take a deep breath in and out. We can always return to our breath to anchor ourselves again. Take this opportunity to loosen your shoulders if they're tints, unclench your jaw, and take

another cleansing breath in and out. Now, start to find a natural and comfortable walking pace to settle into, and let's explore how we can find renewed joy and love in our role as caregivers every day with my guests, Rob Phobian, Rob, thank you so much for joining us today. Holly, thank you so much. I appreciate this opportunity. Yes, oh so, I love to get to know your story a little bit more. Can you tell us about how you first became a caregiver? Most certainly, first, I started caring for

my husband. He has been HIV positive for more than thirty years. So he takes thirty six pills every day, and you multiply that time thirty years. You know, everything that goes in your mouth eventually ends up in your brain. And so the doctors told us very early on that if he lived long enough that he would probably develop some type of cognitive issue because of all the medication. Luckily, he is doing terrific health wise. His viral load is undetectable.

His he cell count is through the roof, which is a blessing because the meds are doing exactly what they're supposed to. They're keeping him alive. Unfortunately, because of all of that medication, it's starting to affect his cognitive. Yes, the cognitive it's said, it's a give and take, right. How did you approach taking on the challenges of his health as it declined and did you did you get

to talk about together or strategize about it. We certainly did, and that was one of the blessings that we had is knowing that we had time to plan. And for many families who are dealing with memory loss cognitive issues, they don't have that time or they don't take the time, and so addressing it early on is so important because we were able to talk about the what ifs and what would he like. And the same thing has happened

with my parents. My father had a brain bleed stroke three years ago and so I'm also his caregiver along with helping my other They live independently, but in order for that to happen, I helped take care of them there in their mid to late eighties. And so in addition to the normal aspects of aging, we have this on top of it as well. And so that's one thing we did, is we sat down and had those very honest conversations about what if and what comes next and what do you want? And you really need to

have those conversations early. Seeing that you dedicate so much of your time for being there for your loved ones, what would you say caregiving means to you? It is such a blessing, It really is for example, I have learned so much about my family and my parents getting to spend this much time with them. I just found out that my mother was a roller skating car hop when she was a senior in high school. I never

knew that. Wow, that's depressive. So I'm learning all these great stories about the family, and it's time that I probably would not have gotten to spend with my family, because honestly, as a career professional, like most people, I wouldn't probably have taken as much time as I have to spend with my family. You know, you seem to have such clarity about the realities of your situation. What have you been able to learn about yourself since becoming

a caregiver for your husband and parents. I don't know if it's that I've learned about myself, but what I have learned to do is realized that most of it is not in my control, and that's okay. I'm the kind of person that makes lots of lists and has multiple plates spinning simultaneously, and always got lots of projects going. And I've had to learn when I'm caregiving with my parents with my husband in that situation, put all that aside. I am there with them. I'm not thinking about the

project tomorrow. I'm not thinking about what I need to do next week. I need to think about what they need and the time that I'm spending with them. And that's been difficult for me because it's not my personality to do that, But I think that has helped me be a better person because it is giving me a new skill set that I'm very proud of. This is the ongoing threat through all of these care walks that

we've done. You have to take care of yourself. You've got to keep yourself and put self care and make it a priority. Do you rob have a self care routine to find that me time I do. I go to the gym, and that is not something I ever thought I would say out loud, but that has become something that I really enjoy doing. So I go to the gym and that is my time where I just disconnect and you know, I can listen to my inner

voice while I do my workout routine. The other thing that has been really wonderful is we bought a house seven years ago, but the grass never grew in in our backyard, so we just dug it all up and turned it into one huge flower garden. And he has a degree in botany. So that's something we've been able to share together is we have this big, beautiful flower garden. And so when I get home every day, the first thing I do is I walk outside and I go in the backyard and I just walk around and look

at the flowers. That has been my blessing, that that's my escape, that I can just go out there, look at the bees, the birds, the flowers, the plants, go dig in the dirt, just kind of get lost in that for ten fifteen minutes. That kind of recharges my battery. It's like, oh, gamm ready to go. All flowers always do it. They're just they They're just like a serotonin for the brain. Rob, you seem like somebody that can handle everything, or people from the outside look look at

you and go, uh, he's got it. Rob can handle it. He's doing this, He's got the parents, who got the husband. Before we go, Rob, what is one of your what would you say is one piece of advice you would give two caregivers listening, especially new caregivers, about finding joy in their work. I think it's always important to look at this journey as a cup that is half full, not a cup that's half empty. It's not taking something away from your life. It's giving you opportunities that you

wouldn't have otherwise. And look for those moments of joy, look for those opportunities to spend time with your loved one that you wouldn't have otherwise. And you don't look back three years later and go, oh, I wish I really had, because no, you didn't know that you made the best choice with what you had and that was the right choice. Absolutely. I mean that is you learned

so much on this journey. You know, hindsight is everything, right, get to go back and if you could go back and do this and do that, but no, that was your journey. You were learning and you knew what you knew and did the best you could with what you had. So Rob, thank you so much. This has been an awesome conversation, um, when I was really looking forward to because that's a question I get all the time, Like

you know, I'm this is such a tough situation. How do we learn to embrace it and find and mind the joys from it? So thank you again. Take care of yourself and your parents and your your husband, and I wish you well. Thank you, Holly, I appreciate this opportunity to visit with you. A big thank you again to Rob Phobian for joining me today. Hearing more about his story just it really just reminded me about how

many special moments caregiving offers for a loved one. I know how important it was for me to have that time with my father. Rob shared with us his favorite parts of caregiving for his partner and his dad and how he finds new ways to carve out me time while working around his own joint pain and remembering to ask for help which makes him a better caregiver. Thanks again to Rob and you for stopping by. That's it

for today's episode. Come back next week when I chat with our guests, therapist and licensed clinical social worker Lindsay Pace about combating caregiver burnout. It's such an important conversation. Until then, keep walking and don't forget to take care of yourself too. Care Walks is produced by I Heart Radio in partnership with vl Teren Arthritis Pain Jael and hosted by me Holly Robinson Pete. Our executive producer is

Molly Sosha. Our head engineer is Matt Stillo. This episode was written and produced by Sierra Kaiser, with special thanks to our partners at GSK Platform, GSK Weber, Shandwick and Edelman.