Older Don't Mean Better

all the proof read or send in your voice. But I love y'all either way, so I guess I'm gonna just had to keep reading. Here we go. Hey, Jess, I've been listening to your podcast. It's the very beginning, and I've always wanted to send in something, but I just never had the courage. So today I'm doing it. So I'm twenty three years old and I've been dealing with the guy four five years now. Actually yes, they

made it years. We've been on and off. We somewhat have a relationship, and I will break that down to you, but I believe me being young and um, I've accepted this and allowed it to go on way longer than it has. And I really think I know it's best, but due to also doubted myself, I'm not sure. So I really like advices on this. So the guy I've been dating for the last five years talking to, I would say when I met him, initially, I was twenty years old and by the time he was thirty eight

years old. So fast forward, I'm twenty three today and he's forty one. I know, huge huge age gap between the two of us. We've worked at that. That's really never been a problem for me, the age thing, and he's never been a problem from him. But relationship wise, since day one, since I've known this man, he got my number, we went out and then till I went to his house and it's been like this every since. Like he called me every day, We call each other

every day. Then it went from him calling me baby pretty face, to telling me this is forever. So now I'm believing in my head this is a relationship. This man wants me forever, and you know, I should be acting as if I want to be wanted forever. You know, I should do my wifely duties. Now, that's what I'm thinking. So for the past five years, that's what I've been doing. Although we don't live together. I'm at his house a lot. He will come and get me and I'll be there

for maybe sometimes up to a month. I'll be you know, with him, or you know, whatever may be the case. I am a mother, so you know, I have my own schedule. Of course, I'm doing my thing on the side as my mother. I've never you know, select on my mother's skills to be with him. But this relationship has taken a lot from me in my twenties. You know, I've been only about him um and it's been feeling weird.

These are red flags that I know I should have paid attention to a long time ago, but he has filled my head up with so many excuses that I thought it was normal. So I haven't met his mother, I haven't met his sister. He only has one sip where I've never met any of them. He doesn't post me on social media. It was hard to get a date out of this man. And literally, as I'm sitting here telling you this story, like I know, I know, literally, yeah, it's time for me to walk away fast. For five

years later, I've been sucking and scking this man. You know, I've been doing all that to him, I've been cooking and cleaning, and I come to his house and wash his fucking walls and clean his fucking shower, and make up dinner, bakeup cakes, like all of the above. And I know I'm doing too much. And as a twenty three year old, there's so much more. There's so much

more to be experienced in life. And why I said, you know, it hasn't been a full blown relationship because like I said, nobody knows we're in this relationship, literally except for us, you know, and that seems weird in the year of two. I just don't think it's okay too. I understand being private, but this is a secret. I'm a secret. This is in privacy anymore. Anytime I brought up the fact that i'd like to meet as parents, we've never spend holidays together. Anytime I bring things like

that up, he tells me, I'm being childish. That's a little ship and I need to get over that. But why is it important to me his family when his mama don't really care to meet nobody else, She don't want to meet no more women, things of that nature. But you're telling me that we're gonna be together forever. You're even doing the things to you know, we're doing the things to make a baby here, you know. So I know it's time to stop fooling around and to

just grow up. And although he's gonna tell me whatever I need to hear to stay, I'm really ready to walk away. We had an actual talk yesterday and he told me finally that he wouldn't be able to marry me, not right now at least, and I really feel like I need to take that his face value and get the funk away. Jess, help my mess aside. No, he is a wealthy man and at this point he's a

shiny ass penny. Yes I said it, regardless of what he has, or how good he loves, or why the way he has treated me has been I feel like mental mind gaze in that sick me, and I feel like he's better than that, and I'm better than that, and I should do us both of favorite and walk away. But Jess, I need you to straighten me up. I need you to tell me this. So when I think about answering those calls again, when I felt like talking to him again, no no, no no, no, we're not doing that.

I want to be done I need better. I want to be a wife. I want to find my husband, and I really do bad all about myself. It's how I'm not gonna be your wife. So I just need some encouraging words. Please, yes, thank you, So girl, I'm gonna beat you down, then I'm gonna build you up and encourage you and seeing you on your way because you asked for this, all right. First of all, you already know because you kept saying it while you were

telling me. You know, you know what type of man this is, you know, And he caught you very, very young. He caught you when you were eighteen. He was thirty eight. What the funk are you doing? What a baby? Now? Listen, I've done this as well. When I was sixteen, I was in a relationship with a thirty I think he was thirty eight too. I met this man when I was four, saying he was thirty four. Yeah, he was twenty years older than me, twenty years older than me

when I was sixteen. So I absolutely know exactly how you feel. I know your pain. That ship makes you feel special. You know what I'm saying, especially in your little young mind. I'm speaking to eighteen year old you and your young mind or doing a damn thing cause you gotta niggle that drive. And he older, he dies, and he that, and he dies and he that, and you know what that has done. It's kind of took you out of the dating pool to date your age, or to date a little older than you until even

experience what peer love could be like. You didn't even get to experience what you don't like. You know what I'm saying, or what turns you off about an older guy, because you ain't never been dating no younger guys, you know what I'm saying. Now, you said you have a baby, and apparently that's not his baby, obviously, and I'm very glad that it's not. So Apparently you you've been doing some other fucking and sucking outside of this man and I and listen, more power to you because you do

not need to be with him. You didn't have no business band with him. He was eighteen. He didn't have no business fucking praying on you when you were eighteen years old. Now listen, this is something that he does. And I'm gonna say this because this is something that the guy that I was dating when I was sixteen did as well. You think you're the only one, and you're not. He has a bunch of y'all little young girls. And I think he also may be married as well.

He's probably bored and his married. He probably is never gonna leave his wife or whoever the funk he got at home, which is why you never see him on holidays. But you are his fun now. He's been doing this for a long time, so he knows how to keep up these relationships and make each one of y'all feel like y'all are the priority. You said. He talks to you every day, y'all flirt every day you're able to

see him. You just don't get to spend the times of the year that means the most to people usually, and that those are holidays, birthdays and stuff like that. He's keeping you exactly where he wants you to be. He's gonna tell you anything you want to here to get you to never leave, because that's exactly what he was doing when he met you. That's why he prays on y'all so young. That's why he dates y'all so young. Now, mind you, I'm saying y'all because you're not the only one.

That should be evident enough this is me straightening you up. That should be evident enough for you to be like, oh, yeah, I'm done. Yeah you're not his only little young baby. And while he's not old enough to be a sugar daddy, oh he on his way, and I can say you're a sugar baby. He may not be a sugar daddy, but baby, you are a sugar baby. Believe that that's what it is. I think you know what to do. And I know you said I want to be a wife.

I want to be married, just I want, I want, I want, But not at the expense of your hearts, not at the expense of who you are, your mind, your dignity. Girl, do not rob yourself. You're dodging a bullet leaving that ship alone. You're doing him a favor and your favor, and his wife a favor, or his girlfriend a favor. You're doing a favor for all three

of y'all at this point. But the fact that you've been cooking and cleaning and like, this motherfucker is training you to be a wife that you'll never be so actually trained you for somebody else, you know, because you're gonna make someone a very lucky husband one day. It just cannot be that, nigga. It cannot and it won't be. If it's anything I can do in my power, I will not let you do that. Ship girl, Hell no, you're twenty three. You're supposed to be worrying about what

fucking career choice you want to pick. You supposed to be worried about, you know, like, come on now and then you and your early twenties, we are in different times. Now you're supposed to be thinking about starting the fucking business, going back to school if that's what you want to do. You're supposed to be worrying about other ship, how you can get ahead in life, how you can be setting yourself up so you can be well off in your thirties. Okay,

you're supposed to be going to parties and ship. You're supposed to be dating around, not waiting for old ass man to leave another woman, because that's exactly what you will be waiting for, And you don't even know that's what you will be signing up for. Don't nobody know about you, and ain't nobody going on about you. Imagine him bringing your little young ass to his mother. Imagine that he wouldn't do that if he wasn't with another woman.

You're too young, I would feel Harrid was a forty one year old man bringing my twenty three year old girlfriend to meet my mother. What it's nothing that he can even learn from you. A relationship is given, take everything. It's benefit for both everything. I want a man I can learn from, but I also want my man to learn from me. It ain't nothing that he can learn from your little ass. Nothing. I'm not saying that you're dense,

or you're stupid, or you're not intelligent or anything. No uneducated. That's not to say that he has been twenty three before. And I understand you're very mature dealing with his old ass, but you still can't teach him ship. That's why he wants to control the situation, because you know he manipulates you. You can't teach him anything. You're not even in control of the situation. But you're gonna take control. You're gonna leave that ass. That's how you get revenge, that's how

you control. You leave it and let him deal with any other little young girl he's gonna deal with. Let him sell them drink to somebody else. Okay, seriously, raise your baby and date date. I don't feel bad telling young girls data around, data around, How the funk? You know what you want if you've never had nothing to compare it to? How the fun? You know you're comparing everybody this old ass man girl. What somebody gonna meet you and rock your world? Sweep you off your fucking feet, beautiful,

don't let it go? All right? I love you, like literally like I love you. Hold up, Hold up? I know the ship getting good. But listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial with you love me. You'll listen moving on. This is an update, and then she has another problem and she would like for me to fix. Listen pages. I was just listening to you on the Note for Sure podcast, and it reminded me

that I forgot to actually fucking update you. But I listened to your advice, and you know what, I literally put my pride aside for no reason. I had always, you know, wanted to hit them up, but I was

just scared or whatever. And I once I heard you say, you know, either pray for new friends to come into your life, or hit them up because you missed them or whatever, I literally was crying listening to it, because, like I genuinely really missed them, like it's it's like a part of me is grieving because I missed him so much. So I did what you said, and I texted both of them, and one of them was like, she was like awkwardly texting me as if like why

are texting me? Or like what did you here? So I just stopped texting her, and the other one left me on red. So I just want to thank you for taking the time out to listen to my story and help me with that. And I'm gonna pray for some new friends because the hosts it's not ship. Thank you. I love you by exactly, baby, I love you too, and listen, that's no love loss there. If you want to continue to pray for those ladies, you can. If you just want to leave it there, leave it there,

don't reach out again. You missed them so much and you love them still with everything in you because you guys grew up together. Those were your first real friends. But people grow up and certain people evolved and some people don't. When you grow, everybody won't grow with you. Unfortunately, everybody grows at their own pace. Those girls are still stuck in the motherfucking hood fighting and ship. They want some zoos network ship. Now you want some HBO ship. Baby,

go ahead, keep on going, keep on fucking going. Okay, no love loss, and don't even regret hitting them, because maybe that's the closure that you fucking need it. A lot of people don't realize closure doesn't have to always be positive. Closure doesn't have to always bring you back together, because if it's closure, then it's not closed. You're reopening, you're rehashing. No closure is exactly what the funk you got? All right, left me already? All right, I'll reached out.

I love you, guys. I'm gonna love y'all from a distance. That's it. If you still choose to. But you said it, I didn't them holes ain't ship and it wasn't ship before. But you loved them. Y'all had a relationship, you know, you had friendship, and it's nothing wrong with that. That's it. They just gave you the closure that you needed. Now you have another story. I'm gonna play hey, just so I'm back, and I just want to get your advice on this situation to see if it's really the deal

I'm making it or if I'm overreacting. So to give you a little background history. I let my man about four years ago and we've been in a relationship for three years together. We have one kid, but he came with one and then I had one, so we have three kids all together. The relationship is really well, It's a typical relationship. We argue some days, but we're always good most of the time, so that's really good. He's a good man. He's good to me. He really does

a lot for me, for my son. We all love him, but I kind of feel like, in a way, he belittles me, and it's honestly starting to funk with me. He's a few years older than me, like about five years older than me, so he has some more experience in life, and I never take away from him. He did like three years in jail, so he has a lot of knowledge. Now. The problem is when it comes to me expressing anything to him, I feel like he

makes it seem as if I'm dumb. He belittles any knowledge that I talked to him about, and it's kind of starting to put me in a place where I feel like, you know, I don't want to be with this man because he doesn't look at me as smart, like sometimes when I explained things to him, it's you know, easy, but other times it's like he's trying to belittle what I'm saying or my point of view. So for instance, I was talking to him because he's in jail now. And now I didn't meet him in jail. He just

with the jail this year, So don't do that. But so for instance, he's in jail, so of course he doesn't have any access to any internet or anything. And he said that the TV is always on sports. So I was telling him about the ten year old boy who killed his mom and Missouri, and I was telling him, you know, what the news reporter said. I constantly stated what the news said or what the article said, or

what this, this and that said. And then it's like I was like, you know, a little bit emotional because I'm a mom myself and I have two kids, and I feel like it was just like heartbreaking as a mother. So I was talking to him about it. I was really vulnerable. It was really bother me, something that still bothers me because it's really new. But it's like he brushed off how I was feeling, and he was just saying, you know, will I don't know what happened, but I

don't believe everything that be on the news. I feel like people believe anything somebody tell them, and I feel like it's always like that. Even when he explains things to me, he starts talking by saying, well, I know you don't know, or I know you don't think like this, or you know. He basically just always tries to make it seem like I'm this a dumb as bitch, and it's honestly starting to bother me. Like I told you, We've been together three years, so this is three years

of this ship been built up. We have talked about him untiple of times, and I have told him that I would prefer him not to say those type of words before we're discussing anything. Don't tell me, will you know I don't think like this or you know, because you don't know what the funk I know, you don't know how the funk I think. And it's really starting to bother me to the point where I'm starting to for a lot of love with him because I feel like he doesn't look at me as a black educated

woman that I carried myself to be. And usually people break up with people for cheating or being abusive, and it's literally none of that. And that's why, Like I've asked one other person besides you, and they said that, you know, it's just how he is because he was in prison. You know, a lot of people who went to prison before are really educated because they don't have anything to do but read and learn upon things, which is also true. He is a you know, educated black man.

He's highly educated, and I give him that props, but I just feel like when it comes to me, it's nothing like he belittles me all the time. No matter what we're talking about. I always feel like he just puts me down when it comes to being educated, and it's starting to bother me. When I do tell him stuff like what's bothering me or what he's saying that he shouldn't say. He he does apologize, and he honestly takes my feel is in consideration for the moment, and

he might not say it for about a week. But then it's like when we're talking about something else that's going on in social media or for our future, he always mentions that, you know, I know you don't think like this, and it's just starting to like annoy the hell out of me, and I don't want to be with him. So I just want to come to you and see if I'm over reacting. Is it not a big deal, Because, like I said, I carry myself as

an educated black woman. I am young. I'm only twenty one and he is twenty six, so we do have like a little bit of an age difference. And I know that could be not a big deal to most because I'm considered younger to him and I haven't been through that much in life. But I still feel like I carry myself well and I would like other people to notice how educated I am, especially my man. If nobody else noticed, then I would at least want my man to know, you know, hey, I have a beautiful

black woman who is also educated. It like, I don't want him to just think that, you know, I'm just dumb bitch. And even if he doesn't think it, because he always says that's not what I'm thinking, that's not what I mean, I just don't like the tone when we're talking, to the point where I have just stopped talking to him about ship that I know he would respond in that type of manner about. So, yeah, girl, I just want to know, am I OVERREACTA Is it not a big deal? Am I doing too much? You know?

Like I said, we have been together for three years, but I'm just annoyed as hell. Now we got a commercial and if you click off of this podcast, I swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen. Okay, No, I don't think you're overreacting at all. I don't, and I think the rest of the listeners could agree with me as well. I don't think you're overreacting. Um. I think this is something within himself. He's not happy in his

life where he is. Anytime he has to just keep telling you you don't think like that, or I don't listen to everything that happens out of the Obviously you don't listen, and obviously you don't know everything thing or you would know how to keep that ass out of jail.

About that, you know, now, listen, while people do go to jail, and that's where a lot of men and women both are taught a lot of things because right they don't really have a lot of things that they can do a lot of activities that can get into

you know, they're in jail. They're in prison, so they do read a lot of people do read, and they and they educate themselves, and they even have classes in prisons, you know, not jails so much, but in prisons, you know, they got classes you can take and all that type of stuff. I'm not putting anything past how educated he is or not, but I also feel like that he plays on the fact that you are young, five years

younger than he is. And I feel like you're kind of letting that play on you as well, because I've even heard you say, and I have really been through much in life. No, no, no, no no. I think you're letting him make you think that way of yourself. You maybe have gone through different ship than he has gone through, for sure, because he is in and out of jail. Baby, you're not. But that doesn't go to say you haven't been through anything. You know. Don't talk

like that, don't you know? And it is not what he says the way he says it. You know, I do understand that that could be a point as well, because you're just like, look, don't tell me what the funk I know. He can't tell you what you know. And yes, you do want to be supportive. You do want to feel like your man is confident in you, just as you're a confident in yourself. I am a beautiful, black, educated woman, and yeah, I have a queen by my side.

She's smart, she knows some ship. You know, we both don't know everything, but we know a little about a lot. And that's what I always say. I don't know everything, but I know a little about a lot. You know what I'm saying. So I don't want to ever tell someone to leave someone unless they're being physically harmed or mentally abused. But I do feel like he has to take a break from the relationship and get his own

self together mentally. There's something he's battling and something that is weighing on his heart and over his head about his own life. I strongly feel that, Um, I don't know what that is. You've been with him for three years. You've been with him longer, so you would know. Before y'all god together. I imagine that you guys were just friends. So I mean, I can't assume I don't. I don't know, But you know him more than I know him. You

know him more than the listeners know him. You would know if there was something that he was suffering with, or that was something that he was just mentally battling, and unfortunately, we as girlfriends can't always help our men out with that. They have to get professional help, they have to actually go and seek help on their own because they're just running away from their problems. They're masking their problems and then internally shunning them, like internally shutting down,

and then projecting what they're going through on others. And that's not good either, because now you're blaming everyone else for for your issues. I feel that's what he does, and I can bet you it's very very difficult for him, or very rare that he accepts accountability for ship that he does, or you know, just anything that he's Why he's in jail, why you guys argue, why he treats you the way that he does, things like that. I think you should take a break from a relationship, have

him get himself together. He and jail now shift he got nothing but time and books to read. Get yourself together? Why he on inside and he needed to get himself together. Why he's away from you, and then revisit it. But I don't I don't think that it's really healthy, especially if you've been in this for three years and it's just now starting to funk with you. Oh baby, listen,

you're young. You should be doing so many other things right now instead of trying to pick a man's fucking brain apart to see why he doesn't think you're smart. Excuse me, You're twenty one, all right. Get yourself together and hopefully he gets himself together. Check back in with me, girl, listen. That is the end of this episode, y'all. I love you all so much. I really love what I do. I love what Carefully Reckless has formed into. I love that it's a very therapeutic space. It's a very safe

space for my listeners. It's a safe space for my girls and my guys who are sending me their situations that they need to help on, that they need me to fix, you know, or try to fix. And I'm just happy that I can be of any assistance to any of you that I have helped, and I'm sorry for those who I haven't. But make sure you tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday. Tuned into Reckless Discussions this evening as well as seven pm only on

YouTube and in my deepest pan boys piece. Carefully Reckless is a production of i heart Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.