Lovers and Friends

my boyfriend and who he is. He's funny, very social, he's smart, and he really pushes me to get out of my element and has taught me how to really relax and rest. I'm the kind of person who stays very busy in his multiple jobs, and it's always doing a lot to get my mind off of the bad in life that causes me to have anxiety. About six months ago, I broke up with him because there are things in the relationship that I have been asking from him, such as him taking large and taking lead with house

projects and other aspects of our relationship. So I communicate what I need in a relationship and what is expected from my significant other, but he never stays consistent. He just does it for a little while and then stops. After expressing this to him, we decided to try and make it work. Now six months go by and I still have to be on his back to get anything done. He doesn't and doesn't put his full effort into it, so I have to go back and do it correctly

or finish it off. From the start of the relationship, he's gotten better, but there's new things now because we grew and our environment changed. We aren't married and we don't have any kids, but we recently just got a house together, so the environment change, and of course there's a lot more responsibilities. But he's just not adjusting. I tell him how I feel, and he says he'll change, and that he feels like I'm criticizing everything he does

and he's exhausted. This causes him to shut down too. Like I said, I love him and I don't want him to feel bad at about himself. I guess I don't know how to get my point across. I don't know. I'm just at the point where I'm tired of repeating myself and at the point where I just don't want to wait for him to get his things together anymore. Should I continue to wait and try to drill it in his head, or should I move on? It's been

six years. Also, what I mean by shut down is he gets mad at me for criticizing him and stops talking to me completely. So he's mad at me for being mad Jesus Cross, all right, you're a little manipulating narcissistm No, Okay, I'm just just joking a little bit. Okay. So it sounds like he's very lazy. It sounds like you guys have been together for six years and he hasn't evolved, but you have. It sounds like you've been

basically holding his hand up until this point. He'll do great for a little bit and then go right back into lazy mode. I'm gonna call it lazy because that's what it sounds like from your passage. It's very lazy. Have you ever talked to him about why he does this? Not so much telling him to do something, not so much being his mother, because that's exactly what you act as when you know. I can see how that happens. I can see how that happens. This happens with me

and Jerome a lot. That's my son's father. I talk at him a lot because I get so angry because I'm like, yo, why aren't you making these manly decisions? Why are you just so irresponsible? Why can't you DoD Why this? Why that? Why that? So it kind of seems to him like I'm trying to play mommy like I'm his mother. But a man doesn't want a woman that actually acts like his mother or acts as if she is his mother. They want us to be submissive

a little bit. But in your defense, you're like, how can I be submissive to someone who won't take lead, who won't initiate doing manly things, whether it's gender roles or not. It's like, yo, be a fucking man already. I totally understand where you're coming from, but I want you to kind of like get to the bottom of why he acts that way, if it's worth it to you. You know, six years is not a little bit of time. Baby. You've been dealing with this for six years. So there

has been something I had to keep you around. You know, you said you're not married, you don't have children. There has to be something that keeps you, something that he does. Great, if you don't want to walk away, I never encourage someone to walk away from a relationship unless they're being abused, unless they're being hurt, unless they are being treated less than who they are, And here it doesn't really seem

like that's the case. However, you do deserve better. You do need to have a better balance in your relationship. You can't be the breadwinner. You can't be the brains. You can't be you can't be the everything. You can't be the man in your relationship. You are the woman. Yeah, I think you should get to the bottom of that.

Communication is key. I always say it and try not to talk at him so much, you know, because I do understand he gets upset with you for being upset with him, but it's probably the way you talk to him. Trust me, I've been in this situation, and while I'm not justifying his lacking in the relationship, be because he needs to do those things, you know, especially since you guys just brought home together, you guys just gotten to

your first house. I'm assuming you know. I do feel that he may feel a sense of disrespect when you're talking to him, when you're constantly fussing and probably harping on on these things. But that's your frustration and that's probably the only way that you feel you can get through to him. So you've learned to express yourself in that manner, and that's not good either. So both of you need to sit down and have a civilized conversation and try to get to the bottom of what it

is that he's going through. If he's going through something, you know he could just be regular playing old lazy, then you've got to get the hell up and leave babe. That's just what it is. You seem like you love him. You know, you didn't talk bad about him at all. You just are telling me what his flaws are and that kind of thing. Do you want children? Do you want marriage? Do you feel like that you've been girlfriend

a boyfriend too long? Because in a relationship, when you get in a relationship, which I just recently learned in my previous relationship, you have to communicate exactly what it is you want from a relationship before diving into it. You have to know your partner. You have to know what they're going to accept, what they're willing to accept, what they are not willing to accept. And I think you accepting it for so long has conditioned him to be okay with what he does you know, I know

she's just gonna fuss at me. I'm gonna just do this ship right now, and then I go back to who I really am. You know what I'm saying, So both of you, I'm not going to just deem one person as the wrong doer. You carry a lot of wrong in it as well, because you've allowed a lot of this for so long, babe. So it's all about how you want to move forward. Do you think it's

worth staying with him? Do you feel like that that you're just so annoyed by what he does now that it's like, Yo, we've completely fucked this up so bad. I don't even see us reconciling. You know, I don't see reconciliation in our future. These are the questions that you have to ask yourself. But I definitely need you to try to see what his problem is. And like I said, don't talk at him, talk to him because he's another human being. But check back in with me.

I hope that helped you. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back and we are moving on. Hey, just love the podcast. Here's my dilemma I've been dealing with this guy since September. First couple of months, we were dating, sexually involved, and he was adjusting to a new work schedule, so the dates slowed down because he damned near only had one day off and he worked that night and I worked throughout the day. He didn't have weekends off like I did.

I was understanding of that. I asked his intentions. He said he was dating to marry. I'm like, cool, we're on the same page. I ended up getting pregnant and we chose to terminate due to the fact that we just met and I didn't know for real if we saw each other in each other's lives long term. So after that, I thought we were still working toward a relationship. Though by January he got into some legal trouble. Then he came home and told me he had a baby

on the way. He was dealing with her before the trouble happened, So now I'm like, damn, not only were you sexually involved with me, but her too. Wow. I have been on and off with this man since he told me he had a baby on the way. I'm like, okay, we weren't in a committed relationship when it happened. But I think the fact that we decided not to have a child together is still in my mind. Now he has a whole newborn. I have been trying to cut this man off, but I can't see him to do so.

I've still been dating others, but no other connection compares to what we have. He keeps saying how bad he wants to be with me. He just plans on co parenting with the mother of his child. I need to hear from someone else's point of view. Should I try to work it out with this man or be done for good no matter how hard it may be. Okay, well, thank you for keeping it short. But that was a whole lot and a little bit of time baby. Okay, So, given the fact that there was no commitment, you guys

just started off basically having sex and talking. There was no from your end, there was no exclusivity. He told you that he was dating to marry you. In return, didn't say that, I mean, unless you just didn't say that to me, But it seemed like you kind of didn't know, you know, you actually said it. You're like, I mean, I didn't know if we were really gonna be in each other's lives for a long period of time.

Given that M hmm, I don't think that you could fault him so much for having a baby, because in all reality, at the end of the day, it was the other girl's decision to keep it. Um. Now, we don't know what he told her. He could have told her to get rid of it, he could have prompted her to keep it. Whatever. At the end of the day, it's the woman's decision. So let's just say she chose to have the baby and he just wants to compare it with her. Is he upfront and honest with you

about everything? Did you have to find anything out that? Did you ever catch him in a lie? I mean, what are the facts? I mean? And and you can't question him having unprotected sex with someone else when you two barely knew each other and he was having unprotected sex with you. You have to question if he moves like this with me, why would he be exempt to

move like this with anyone else. You understand what I'm saying, And you let that happen, you got pregnant, and you two chose to aboard for the right reason, of course, but that's still traumatizing to you now because he has a baby if it's going to be hard for you to get past, I would say stay oh way, because that's toxicity waiting to happen. If he keeps telling you how bad he wants to be with you, you know,

when you want to be with him. I think you need some type of clarity because I feel like you feel that he already fucked up your trust a little bit, you know, but there was never any foundation established with you two. He got into legal trouble. I'm pretty sure he probably didn't know he had a baby on the way if that happened, you know, But the fact that the girl kept it, I don't know, that's in the red flag. I mean, because do you know him well

enough to keep his baby? Now? There are girls out here who meet guys, have sex with him the same day, have babies. That's why there's a such thing as paternity court. But was this an ex girlfriend? I mean, I just need you to get all information that you can before you just obliged to be with him, you know, before you say, you know what, this is what I'm gonna do, because I think it's the trust factor for you. Now you know the fact that y'all got rid of y'all child,

and he still ended up having one. And you said you talked to other people, but nothing compared to the connection that you two have. I'm not gonna tell you not to give it a try. I just want you to find out more information. There has to be an open and honest line of communication from here on out. Always. You know, you're always going to be in the back of your mind. Is he still sucking with his baby mother?

Are they only co parenting? Is it? You know you're gonna think that way because of how the baby was made. You're always gonna have those questions. So I think that you need to leave reservation for your sanity as well before you just go and jump in a relationship with this guy. I'm not gonna tell you not to just move, move carefully, move slowly, but surely you know apps reolutely should be sure of yourself. Don't move too fast. You see, we're moving too fast? Got your ass? What a year ago?

Pregnant and abhort it? Okay? Wayne? Doing that? And stop having sex with no condom? Oh yeah, and you are not in a relationship. We need to stop doing that. I'm gonna say we have done it as well. We need to stop doing that altogether. But you didn't ask for me to preach to you. You asked for the advice, and that was my advice. So check back in with me. Definitely check back in with me. Hold up, Hold up, I noticed ship getting good. But listen to just a

couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen last one of the day. Hey, jus love your podcast. Been a fan since the early days, and I just need some advice. So I am twenty three years old, no children. I'm currently in graduate school, a full time special education teacher, and preparing to take my l s a T so I can get accepted into the law school. The past few years, I've been dating my boyfriend, who has been my best friend and one

of the only people I hang out with. More recently, I've decided to start hanging out with my female cousins, who are all around the same age as me or a couple of years older than I am, because I want to hang out with more girls. Out of the seven girls I hang with, only one, who was also my other best friend, is in a relationship and has been in a relationship just as the same amount of time as me. Many of them don't understand why I don't go out to clubs or don't do parties because

of my relationship. If they go out to brunch or lunch or even dinner, or even go to a lounge, I show up, but anything else I do not show up to, they are saying that I am in a controlling relationship because I don't do these things, which, mind you, I have not been to a party or club since I was about nineteen because I've always been super serious

about my education and pursuing my career. I don't think I am just preferred to respect my relationship and not go out working and hanging out with a whole bunch of niggas when I have a man at home. More recently, they have been inviting me to less and lass things because I haven't been showing up to overnight things or

just things that I just personally don't do. Do you feel as though I am being a bad friend because of my busy schedules and me just not hanging out in certain spaces because it's not my type of energy or vibe. Do you think that I should just go out with them a couple of times just to get

them off my back. Honey, Listen, No, I don't think that you should inconvenience yourself or make yourself uncomfortable at the expense of someone else, whether that be your man, whether it be your friends, whether if it, don't make yourself uncomfortable for nobody but your child, because sometimes being a parent can get like that. You know, it's not always fun being a parent. Your your children don't always put you in easy situations, and you're reading a whole

human being. So just no going forward. That is the only time that you're supposed to or you're expected to make yourself uncomfortable, you know, for your damn child. Listen, if there is nothing going on at home, if he's not controlling you, if he's not abusive, if he's not possessive and obsessive with his girlfriend, you know, if he don't have Alicia around your damn nick girl, you are

totally entitled to respect your man. I mean he respects you, DON'TI you don't have no issues when he ain't club hopping, it's working on bar stands and all that. Not that you said all that, but I'm just saying. They are single women, so they're living according to their dating status there.

That's how they You know, it's nothing wrong with that going out popping your booty and taking shots, and you know, the nightlife is very different you right now, all right the time in your life where you're trying to be successful, you're trying to grow your career. So I don't even have everything to do with your man, and I love how you pointed that out. No, it ain't even all my man. I'm very serious about my education. I've always taken my career serious and I've always been a serious

person when it comes to education. So if your friends can't respect that, maybe you don't have the right friends and has nothing to do with your relationship. It has everything to do with where you're trying to go in your life, and very little to do with your boyfriend. I mean, I'm pretty sure if you were to ask him, oh,

can I go out and hang out? You know, or babe, I'm going here, he wouldn't have an issue with it, because you just said at the end of the passage, should I go and hang out with them just to get them off my back. I mean, if you can, then it obviously ain't your boyfriend. If you can go and hang out with them, and obviously ain't your boyfriend. He ain't the one controlling you. This is just something that you don't want to do. But how long have

you been friends with these girls? Because they're supposed to know this, they're supposed to know this. And while I know you want to hang out with more girls and you want a social life that doesn't have to be every day, that doesn't have to be even every weekend, set your weekends. You know, there's a schedule. Make your schedule according to the fun you want to have, according

to leisure, according to when you want to get out. Say, for instance, you know you go to school Monday through Friday, go out every first and third weekend with your girls, you know, then every second and fourth weekend that's you and your man's weekend. You know what I'm saying, Like, let's just say that, let's be serious about it. You know what I'm saying. And you have a path that you're on and you want to stay afloat them. Girls gonna understand when they get somebody that they love and

they want to be a punder that person. And you know, because you and your boyfriend lived together or you know, like they need to first of all not making so much about your boyfriends. They need to actually respect your relationship and respect where you are in your life right now. I don't want nothing but successful home girls. That's what I'm manifesting. My home girls have businesses. My home girls have careers. That's a damn flex where my friends doing

a damn ship. I got successful friends, you know, Pretty V, B, Simone, Quay, I have successful friends, DC, Young Fly and you know Nick Can I got. I really have a lot of successful friends. It's nothing like uplifting and help building your friends, you know what I'm saying. We all have a group text, We have a group chat, me Pretty V and B, Simone and Quay, and we just love on each other. We were we caused only remind each other that we are great. We are all young black creators. We are

doing the fucking thing. Okay. I'm so proud of all of you. I love you now. I don't see these three people every day, No I don't because we're all busy. But if they were all busy like you, they would understand. Not all of us are in relationships. Actually I don't think any of us are in relationships. But either way, that don't go to say that we're lonely. I've been in relationships before, you know, and they they have, but we're all single right now and we still understand there's

a grind that we need to be on. You know what I'm saying. So when I am going out the party and ship, I ain't got to worry about paying my bills or I know this is done. I got deadlines to me. Girl. Don't pay them girls, no damn mine. And I think that you should have a conversation with them and let them know it. Really, I really think that you guys don't consider my whole life. You guys want to kind of put me in this box where, oh, my boyfriend is controlling me. Y'all not know I go

to school. Do y'all know that I'm I'm trying to prepare to take my l s a T. Do you guys realize how serious that I've been about school? Y'all my friends, so y'all should know this. And y'all don't say nothing to the other best friend? Who I mean? Do they do? They make a big deal about her having a boyfriend. It's different. You're growing up, so I think you just need to have a conversation with those girls.

And I don't think that you should ever make yourself uncomfortable and make yourself do something that you don't want to do just to fit in or just to get somebody off your back. Look, if they're on your back, shit, brush your shoulders off. I know that was kind of corny, but whatever, all right, just check back in with me, baby after you have that conversation, or if you just want to go out because that's something that you want to do because you do want a social life, that's fine.

But like I said, put yourself on the schedule first weekend. I'm think all right, y'all, we can do this. We do sitting paint with new club. We can. But there needs to be an understanding that these girls need to have about you, and they need to respect that there's a certain boundary that you on cross. My friend is trying to do her damn thing. That needs to be their standpoint. Laura, go ahead and she'll will, she'll catch up with us, or she can ship like that. But

you're still young. You got plenty of time to fucking party, baby, plenty of time. But what you don't have, and I don't care what nobody say, it's plenty, plenty, plenty of time to make your dreams come true. Start right now. You're doing a great fucking job. Do not quit to a party. Okay, okay, And just like that, we've come to the end of another Carefully Reckless episode with your Girl just hilarious. Make sure you tune into Reckless Discussions tonight.

It will be dropping at seven pm. You don't want to miss this one and then my deepest Pam voice piece. Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.