L.O.N.E.L.Y

licensed cosmetologist. I graduated in December within associates in cosmetology and business in two years. I currently have a full scholarship to a private university to complete my bachelor in computer science this fall. I'm currently in the Army National Guard for North Carolina. I've been in for eight years and for the most part, I'm financially stable. Since January, I've picked up two part time jobs, study job, and I volunteer my time for funeral services when i'm free. Okay.

I was deployed in twenty nineteen and was overseas during COVID. I've really accomplished a lot in a little time. I even ran across country with my school for two years and one two championships. But lately I've been really sad, like really sad. It's been almost three months since I stopped running heavily, and honestly, I thought that was my issue, so I started working out and running again. I still feel sad. I love to paint, and even painting doesn't

help me feel better. My love life sucks, and you put four says on that shit. It sucks. I have no boyfriend. I'm not even talking or messaging anyone on the regular. I'm really alone. I have friends, but they're all in relationships, some married, all with kids. Though I feel like I'm so different from everyone around me. I've tried talking to people, but that does mean no good. The men around here are some bitches. I'm lonely. I've seen help, which saved my life after my deployment. I

just feel like I'm missing something and I'm hurting. I'm happy with myself and I have peace within myself, but I'm just lonely. My sister have a mental illness, which played the biggest part in my life. I created a monster, my alter ego because of the emotional weight it had on my life. It really got bad. I've dug myself out of the hurt and anger that came with it. Now that I'm accomplishing all of these things and doing

good for myself, I feel more and more lonely. I don't want a relationship, but I need someone there for me. I haven't had intercourse in months, and I just want to hug. I'm not getting any of my emotional needs met from anybody in my life. I love myself more than anything. I have plans to take over the world, but I'm missing something. I know you're a successful black woman, and I listen to you all the time. You give such great advice, and you have such a huge platform.

Any advice on getting out of this loneliness on the journey of being successful. I'm so stuck. I'm twenty seven, by the way, what twenty seven? I'm young enough to take my time. But then again, I'm stepping into a whole different part of womanhood. I really need to get over this emotional hump, all right, So I just want to apologize for the background noise. I'm actually in my home.

I'm getting it cleaned right now, and I have to find any Indian every time I can to deliver y'all these episodes, So pardon me in parting my cleaners, but listen, first and foremost, I can sympathize with you because I'm not gonna say I'm going through the same thing, but I'm kind of in the same place in my life. I wouldn't consider it going through something. And the only reason why I say that is it's just not your time. Here. I am thirty one, and I thought that there was

a time clock on my love life. I thought that there was like a deadline that I had to reach in order for me to get married, or a deadline to have kids, a deadline to be in love. It literally is none of that. It's just not your time, just like it's not my time. Now. You're twenty seven,

you're still in your twenties. I think what you are probably feeling is that you're so busy because you talk about how independent you are, how you got all this going on, all your accolades, or you know, you've been in school doing this, you got this degree, you're working on this degree, you love yourself and all this. I think you don't even make room enough for somebody else to tell you any of that, because you're that's all you gave me up front. I don't know if you

ever saw the movie Think Like a Man. Taraji p Henson's character on There was a very strong independent woman who felt like she didn't need a man for anything. She just wanted that feeling. She just wanted to be hugged, she wanted to be kissed, but she still felt as if, Oh, I don't need a man for anything. I don't need love. I don't need I just want it. I feel that's

how you are. You're just a bit younger. We get so caught up in what we can do for ourselves that we never really give grace to our companion or whoever the companion may be in the future or whatever, to do the same. Now you said that you are stepping into a whole different part of womanhood. Yeah, but that doesn't mean that you have to have everything that you think you should have just because you're stepping into a whole point of womanhood. Now you said you're the

loneliest one in your whole friend circle. Everybody else's in relationships or they're married, they have different paths. We often get caught up in what other people are doing that we can't really focus on ourselves. You feel like you're deserving of love because you accomplished everything else. No, you may have to wait longer for love than anything else because you already have everything. And then it may just

not be your season to love. Maybe you're supposed to be so focused that you'll be distracted by love if it came to you right now. You have to think positive in all aspects of your life. That's the only negative in your mind. And it's not even a negative. It's just not your time. That is the only advice I have for you. Your time, because it's not time. It's not your time for love. Take your time doing everything else. Continue to stay focused, continue to work very

very hard, and it'll all pay off. I don't know if you are a spiritual I don't know if you're religious, but the God that I pray to is a very very loyal god, and he's not ever going to let us be lonely. You're not lonely, You're just alone. And I'm not telling you how to feel. I'm just telling you I know the feeling all too well. I thought it was a season of loneliness for me. No, it's not. It was just that I was alone, and you have

to learn how to be by yourself. If you love yourself, that's what you're gonna do, you know, first, because you need to turn that definition of loneliness into just being alone. You just don't like being alone, but you have to learn how to do that and love on yourself, so when someone finally does come to love on you, you'll know how to accept it. You know, you have to make certain decisions about yourself and what you'll take and what you won't take, and just learn yourself. You need

to be taking this time to learn yourself. You still ain't your twenties. You don't even really get to know who you are until you step into that thirty mark. I thought I had it all figured out too when I was twenty three and twenty five and twenty six. It's just because my parents raised a very mature young lady. So I'm well before my time, but I still didn't know everything. You're well before your time. You still don't know everything. You don't know who you are going to

be as a woman in love. You just don't know. So you can't just make that decision and just say I'm tired of being lonely nobody's gonna you know, I'm I don't talk to anybody right now. Do you get out? It seems like you work so much that you wouldn't even be able to mix and mingle. It seems like you don't really get out for like just drinks. You don't. And then have you ever gotten any advice from your married friends and from your friends and relationships and from

the outside looking in? Are they all great and in love and happy? Is every single person happy? You know what I'm saying. Sometimes you could be saving yourself. Sometimes it is better to hold fast and wait. It's not show time, baby, it ain't even my time. I used to wake up every day like I need to have kids by thirty I need to be married by thirty two. Why do we put deadlines on ourselves? I come to tell you right now, I'm thirty one, and I see what my thirties are gonna be Like now, I'm gonna

be in movies. I'm gonna barely have time to sit down, get married and have a baby. That doesn't mean it's not gonna happen. But now I noticed I'm not saying the same thing that I was saying at twenty eight and twenty seven that I'm saying at thirty one my deadline was pushed out. Why because it's not supposed to be a deadline put on your life for anything. The only deadline you have is death, and we don't know what that is. Fortunately, we don't know when that is,

So check back in with me. I'll let you know when I get a man. You let me know when you get a man. All right, all right, I love you, you young black successful woman. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back moving on. Hey, Jess, I just want to say I love your show and hopefully you can fix my mess. We're going to call this a fall from grace. Oh lord, girl,

you've been watching too much solid parade. Let me take you back to the summer of twenty twenty, before COVID hit. I was living my best life, Jess, traveling, partying on the lodge with it. It's a Detroit thing, hot girls, some of vibes all around. For the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I found myself. I was drama free, genuinely happy and abandoned. Hi, you must have met unabandoned. I felt free. I was going through a little breakup and my feelings were hurt, but

I was healing but still enjoying my life. Fast forward to twenty twenty one and COVID was on a rampage, and to be honest, I worked so much that I didn't even know what was going on until I went to the grocery store and it was completely empty, and I was like, Damn, this's real. I was still happy and doing me, but I was just in the house with it until one day I was approached by this guy. We're gonna call him gossip boy. Damn, oh, Lloyd, can't nothing be good about a nigga you calling gossip boy.

Gossip Boy came up to me and started a conversation with me, and he seemed to be a cool guy, so I gave him my number. We hit it off pretty quickly and we started spending time together. What I like most about him is that he made me laugh and we had a pretty good vibe. He was staying with his sister at the time, so the first time we hung out was at my apartment. Justice Man gave me big dick vibes, oh wow, and I was really

feeling him. One thing led to another and clothes started coming off, and bitch, I'm excited, yeah, because I just knew that he had to King Kong Man. When the nigga took off his pants, my face went from translation. But he had a mini bear can. But I still went through with it because our genuinely liked him. After that happened, he would be at my place all the time and basically was moved in all shit. The first red flag, I was about to say a girl. All right.

We worked at a factory and I pretty much stayed to myself. Nobody knew me until I started talking to him, and people somehow knew all of our business. I would ask him, why are you running your mouth gossiping like a bitch. Every time I would ask him, he would deny telling anybody anything. Red Flag number two. Every time we had sex, he would apologize for how small his dick is in the middle of us having sex, and I'm like, nigga, I'm trying to concentrate on busting shut up.

Red Flag number three. He always said I was going to have his baby. I tried to get rid of him, but he always suckered me into staying with him. By July. I was really over it, and as soon as I was about to kick his ass to the curb, guess who popped up pregnant ding ding Daniel ass, Damn, Damn, Damn and my Florida Evans voice. So I found out that I was eight weeks pregnant and shit still ain't improving. So one day I left work early. He stayed, so I politely put his stuff on the other side of

the door. Wait. I told him we should just focus on cool parents and see what happens. He agreed, and things started to get better okay, until my friend told me he was messed around with another girl at our job. I didn't know because my job put me on maternity to leave early. When I confronted him about it, he said he was just pimping her out and he didn't care about her. We argued for weeks. I asked him to just please leave her alone and focus on our family.

That bitch told me he ain't given up on this opportunity for nobody. So once he said that, I blocked him and just focused on me and my pregnancy. I was hurt. But anyways, when I was five months pregnant, I decided to move out of the state to have more support from my family. I told him about it. He didn't like it, but I had to do what was best for my daughter. So one day I call him because I missed him, and that's when I found out that the girl he was pimping out was pregnant

with his child too, and he was happy. He told me he finally got what he wanted and this is going to be end all be all. When I tell you, that broke me, Jess, like, how could you do that to me? Like I have never been betrayed like that in my life. Yes, we technically weren't together, but I was pregnant with your child. I wasn't out here fucking nobody. I was alone and pregnant for months. I would ask him to help me get some things for our daughter and he would tell me his girl and his son

needs it more. He treated my daughter like a second option. He would verbally abuse me and yeah, I popped my shit too. Yeah you from Detroit, I know. But it's different when a nigga is constantly gaslighting me. Somehow he finds a way to be a victim. Oh, that manipulating shit. Girl, can't stand it. It's really beyond me. Yes, I had my petty moments and said fucked up things to him, but he is the common denominator for everything. He blames

me for having another baby. I had my daughter in March of twenty twenty two, and a few days later I got a real bad case of COVID and pneumonia, to the point where I was incubated for three weeks and I almost died. So dealing with that trauma, being a new mom and the bullshit from him had did a lot of damage to my mental health. I became a depressed, alcoholic, an overall and unpleasant person to be all around. I finally made the decision to cut him

off and focus on myself and my daughter. But even with that, it didn't help. Every time I get drunk and I'm talking about blacked out drink, I'm crying and talking about my baby. Daddy hurt me. Oh God, I just want to heal. I just want to be happy again. Jess, can you please help me and give me some advice? Thank you, and I'm sorry for the long written message. PS. I forgot to mention that the girl he was messing with knew about me the whole time, and she be

on fuck shit with his ass. But it's okay because when I see her or them, I'm beating the ass. I love you, Jess. Also, I'm a real person, but I deleted all my social media accounts, so I created this one to contact you. Okay, I totally get a girl. It don't matter. I didn't even need that last part. I could tell you a real person because this shit is too fucking specific for you not to be a

fucking real person. Hold up, hold up, I know the ship getting good, but listen to just a couple seconds of a commerc If you love me, you'll listen, all right, First and foremost, a start from where you caught my attention. All right, So you wanted it to be over, you did you? You really did want it to be over with him. You put a shit on the other side of ther door. You was ready. You were fed up

with it. You didn't quite tell me exactly why you were fed up with it, because I know the little penis cannot be the only thing, because you still hung in there. You hung in there enough to get the button of and he got you pregnant. That that little bit can had some little soldiers marching through it, all right because he got your ass pregnant, big dick or not? All right? But you didn't quite tell me why you

want it to be done. That's all you mentioned was just his small penis, all right, But you had this stuff outside the dough. You find out you pregnant, you still wanted them gone. It wasn't until you found out that he was dealing with somebody else at the job then you were hurt. Now, listen, were you hurt because you didn't want him to deal with nobody else? Was it just the fact that it was somebody at the job. Did you think that he may have been fucking with

somebody else before y'all broke up or what? Because if you wanted them gone that bad, why did it matter to you so much to find out that he was dealing with somebody like y'all weren't together, you know what I mean. You had already put him out by then, So I'm just curious to know. Now it could have been a hormonal situation because you said you were pregnant. You could have been having different feelings that would change. You could have been in and out with it like

I want him. But then I don't want him, And these could have all been blamed on your hormonal changes or whatever with you being pregnant, but it seemed that you were very concreting your answer because you wanted this nigger gone before you even found out that you were pregnant. So that's what I'm trying to get to. But you're not here to talk to me in real time about it, so I want you to check back with me. Moving on to a later part of the story, you said,

let's co parents. He was fine with that. But then, okay, I'm backpedaling because that's what I'm saying. You were fine with everything until you found out about the damn girl. That's why I said, were you really over him? Because sometimes we may think that we don't want a person until they're gone. In other words, basically, you don't know what you got until it's gone. Now, I'm not saying he was the best thing that ever happened to you,

and or nor vice versa. I'm not saying you're the best thing to happen to him, but obviously you felt the way and you wanted him back after you found out that he was with somebody else. You said, the girl knew about you the whole time. Fuck her, she ain't got no loyalty to you. You You ain't gonna be high ass because you got a daughter to take care of.

Fuck that, fuck them, Fuck that, all right, You ain't gonna be high ass because, to be honest with you, her daughter or her child and your child of siblings, whether you like it or not. So don't beat our ass. Don't beat their ass. I made that mistake. One of my baby father's other baby mothers, I beat high ass. We're cordial now, but I still regret doing that because I wasn't thinking about my child or her child, who

I also look at as another child of mine. You know what I'm saying, and how it could potentially hurt them later, Or my son could say to his sister one day, they argument, that's my mother. Beat your mother ass. You know, did she look at me a certain way? Or you know, vice versa. You just don't want to do that. You're playing a dangerous game when it comes to your children and their parent, the other parent. They're not worth it anyway, all right. You moved out of town.

He ain't doing shit for your baby. He could be better that. You didn't want a relationship with him. He could be better. I'm not justified, but he just seems like he's bitter to you. You can't make a man step up and do shit, So you need to go through the courts. Because obviously y'all don't even live in the same place. You need help with their baby, So this is a good time to put them on child support. Yep, this is a good time because this would be a

case where the mom actually needed. You know, women put men on child support for many different reasons, but the right reason is for the child and because you can't do everything on your own, and you did not make that baby girl on your own. So this is what I would call a great opportunity to seek assistance through the courts. Put them on child support, some type of government assistance. You would need to help take care of your baby. All right, I understand that you're better, but

you also need to heal. Like you said, you need to fucking heal. He ain't coming back, and even if the fuck he would come back, would you take him exactly? We have to ask ourselves that what could he give you right now to make you happy? Another baby, love, a relationship, a cheating one back and forth, what could he do right now to make you happy? Nothing, take care of your daughter, But it ain't even that for you. It's the fact that you're still bitter about what he

did to you with another woman. It ain't even all about your daughter. Yes, you're damn show upset that he won't help you take care of your baby, but you're upset with matters of the heart too, you know, more so what he did to you in the relationship and what he didn't do after the relationship, or you know, or you felt like he cheated or whatever, or just sometimes we don't want to see the person that we

love with someone else. We're not ready to move on, But you need to do so, and it starts with you just reflecting on who you are and you having to do everything by yourself and asking yourself that real question, that very real question, What could this nigga do for me right now that's gonna make me happy in my heart? Not the baby me. What can he do drop everything and come live here? Then he got another baby, Then he still got other kids with that other girl somewhere else.

You know what I'm saying, Like, just just just wake up and think about that, because you deserve much better, and you're gonna get much better because you're still young. You've got a lot more life to live. And so does your baby girl. Get back to me, because if you feel like nobody love you, I'm telling you I love you, and that little girl loves you too. So no, ain't nobody worth your peace and your sanity because you need that to take care of your child, and you

need that to get past all your trauma. And that's just what it is, is past trauma. I'm not asking you to forget it in a sense, but in a sense I am move on and forget it. Bury that shit because remembering ain't gonna do nothing for you but hold you back. And just like that, we've come to the end of another Carefully Reckless episode with your girl. Just hilarious. Make sure you tune into co Parents and Therapy every other Wednesday. Listen, y'all. My trip in Aruba

threw me off. Y'all. I didn't deliver an episode for Carefully Reckless. I didn't deliver co Parenting on YouTube. I didn't deliver any promotions for my Messy Vision products, my glasses, and we got new new glasses coming soon. I also we'll be doing breakfast Club with DJ Envy and motherfucking Charlemagne and guard y'all listen, I'll be doing that all this week. If you ain't already heard, make sure you tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday and then

my deepest pan voys. Bitch Can'tfully Reckless is a production of I heart Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.