I Wanna Be a Star

start with the love side. I started dating when I was seventeen years old, and I experienced my very first heartbreak, which was very intense, and you know, it took me a while to get over that, and then I started dating even more and more and more, and it was just heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak until maybe about like last year, because I finally got to the point to where I was like, I just don't care anymore, Like

I just don't. I look back on the twelve years that I've been dating, and you know, I've been through a lot. I've had a lot of relationships, but they weren't healthy. I don't think I've ever had a healthy one. And at this point, I am twenty eight years old. I will be twenty nine and I currently stayed Phoenix, Arizona. The black Men pool out here is very limited and what we have to choose from out here isn't really ideal.

But you know, due to where I am and what I've been through, I was like, I don't want to go do this anymore. I'm getting older, you know, I eventually want a husband, so I have to start cutting people off and setting boundaries. A few years ago, I lost an ex boyfriend to gun violence, and then about ten years prior to him, I lost my first love to murder. So they both died to murder, but the one that impacted me the most was my ex a few years ago. He died around the same time as

Nipsey Hustle. He was like a huge Nipsey fan, and I remember me and him talking about Nipsey's death and he dies a few months later. So I've been in therapy for about three years now, and I spent like a whole year just completely on that situation, just trying to like heal from it and get through it. And I still grieve from that until today. It still hurts like yesterday. I don't know if I'll ever be over it. Me and him pretty much grew up together, so he

was my best friend. He was not only a lover. I felt like my best friend got took away from me. He also had dreams like me. He wanted to be a rapper. I wanted to be a singer. So we were like Bonnie and Clyde, and we were gonna make it together. Whoever got first, I was gonna put the other person on. And he also was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest supporter, motivator. I was his favorite singer, he was my favorite rapper, and you know, we were just

really a team. I never had a connection with anyone like him. It was like blood couldn't make us any closer. But it definitely wasn't a brother sister relationship. So it's like when he was in my life, I felt like I had my life had meeting. I wasn't board. We were running the town of Arizona, so many places remind me of him. I tried to stay away, but we did so much during our time together. We were dating on and off for two years, but I knew him

since I was a child. So it's like, even with him being gone, I still have so much connected with him, so when he left, I felt like my other half was just took him and I'm still trying to adjust to my life without him, even though it's been three years. No one understands how close we were, Like I don't think I can explain that to anybody. It was just

something between me and him. So, you know, growing up, I didn't really have my father in my life, which I feel like that explains why I was so fixated on the idea of love. My father was very in and out due to his drug habit, and I had a stepdad, but he was always there. Financially, we never really built upon so once I became an adult, I was like, Okay, I gotta figure this out by myself, which always led me to the wrong type of men, which always left you to get hurt. I just kind

of got burned out with it. I'm like, I don't want to date nobody, I don't want to talk to nobody like this. I'm like, I'm really okay with being single for the rest of my life. And I'm a relationship kind of girl. My sign is libra. You know, love, relationships, sex, fire, passion, all of that, so it's natural really in me. But it's just like, especially these days, is it's hard to find anyone that has all of those qualities husband like

qualities and treats you right. And so I was just like, I'm really okay with just being alone, but I would love a healthy relationship. As I look back, I see how much I wanted to be loved that it blocked me from my dreams and stuff. I grew up always in talent shows. I was always singing in church. I was always leading the choirs at my school, always in performing arts, and I used to make my cousins be like my background singers to all the Beyonce and Sierra videos.

I knew every dance move, I knew every lyric. I used to do dance battles against family members. Like that's really what my life was. And I just knew as an adult, you know, I knew I had to star power. I knew I had to talent. So I was just like, I'm going to be the next big thing. But I started dating, and my love life consumed so many years

of my adult life. It was like year after year after year, I was trying to make a relationship after relationship after relationship, work where I lost focus on me and my talent and who I was. And then I started college and I even dropped out due to our relationship. So fast forward, I'm like, what was I doing all of that time? Like I felt like I was living in a la la land. I was looking through rose

colored lenses. I wasn't being very realistic on how these men were treating me and the situations I kept putting myself in. And then I fast forward to you know, me being twenty nine and this is my last semester of school. I graduate in December. School took up four years of my life for me, chasing my dreams and felt relationships. I'm at the age where I am now.

It doesn't help social media because most of the people that have made it are in their twenties, and I'm pretty much done with mind and I'm like, who wants to listen to an old singer or an old actress or whatever? In my head, you know, I'm still working on the mental side of me feeling too old to do anything now. I have burnt out stages where it's like one minute I have the motivation to go to do it, to chase my dreams, chase my goals, And then on the other hand, I'm crying. I'm not happy

with life. I'm crying. I'm this on that I even like cut off all of the toxic people in my life, and I prayed for the peace of God, in which I feel like He's given me that piece, but I have so much piece just on board with life, and I'm just like twiddling my thumbs because I'm like, now, what what do I do? Where do I go? I feel like I'm in hermit mode. I feel very isolated. I have times where I missed the toxic people lovers and friendships because I was like, at least I was

always doing something. I had something to do every weekend. I was always going places. My life was very filled with like activities. They may have been toxic and it may have came with a lot of stress and drama and mess, but I always have something to do. Now that I only have my close friends and some family members, most of them have their own families and children, so they don't really have babysitters. So anytime I want to hang out and do stuff, I can't or it's really

really hard. And I'm naturally a social person. I like to be at home, but after a while, I'm like ready to go out, ready to turn up, ready to function, ready to have fun, and everybody just wants to sit in the house and be introverts, or even if they don't, they have children, so it's hard for them. And I'm just like, I'm really just gonna have to start doing things by myself. I feel like a lot of that

has held me up with me chasing my dreams. I was just very passionate young girl, and life just like took over me. And then it's like, now that I'm ready to do it, I feel too old. I really feel like I need to move to California because I feel like maybe that will open more doors and opportunities for me, maybe help me make connections because me being here in Arizona, no one from the industry is here.

At least I don't know anybody. I'm from here, and I've been in the studio, I've worked on music, et cetera, and I have yet to meet anyone. I've had people tell me they can take me to the next level and have felt me every time. The last person we had from here was like Jordan's Sparks. So it's like I feel like, as long as I stay here, I'm not gonna get far in the industry. And I know that there's social media, but I feel like where you

live also plays a part. Unless you're already where you need to be at, then I feel like you can live anywhere. But like me trying to get there, I feel like I need to go to focus on acting, to focus on my cosmetic business, and to possibly dibble back into music, dancing, et cetera. Anything entrepreneurship. That's what I want to do, and I want to stay in

that realm. And you know, if all else fails, I'll go back to school and just get a nursing degree if I'm not making the type of income that I want. At that point, I deal with a lot of guilt and shame because I don't know how someone was so much talent. I don't know how I got to this point in my life where it's like now it's clicking for me to focus on it, and now I feel just old, and so I don't know, like should I

keep trying this. I don't know what to do. I'm looking for advice career wise, because, like I said, me being here, I don't know anyone and I feel like I'm doing everything by myself. The one person that supported me with my dreams is not here. The one person that I felt like I was gonna be with forever is not here. And I'm kind of mad at him for leaving me. Year. I felt like when he left, he took the meaning of life too with him. That's how much he brought to me. And now I'm trying

to navigate it without him. Obviously, this is supposed to be how it is, but I'm trying to like go with it, and I'm trying to be happy with it, and I'm trying to figure out what next, and then as far as you know, my love life goes um, I literally cut off everyone. There is one person that I'm dealing with. I've known him for about six years and we lived together. He offered to help me financially while I'm in school, just to kind of, you know, help me out, give me a little break, so I

don't have everything on me at once. But he does want to work on a relationship as well. We're not doing it the traditional way because we live with each other and we're getting to know each other while we live with each other. He has a lot of trust issues in trauma that he still needs to be healed from. So I was hesitant on it, but I was just like, you know what I need to help, So you know, he can just come and we can see what happens. But I'm currently in therapy and I'm still healing as well.

He is twenty five years old. He's a retired marine. He makes over six figures with the type of job that he does now. He has no children. He's been married and divorce. He travels for work, so he's only home really on the weekends. He has a very old soul, so he's like at this point, he's not looking to really just mess around with a bunch of random females.

He wants to be married. He wants to settle down to the point where me and him don't even have sex like that, because he feels like sex makes things complicated and he wants to do things right this time and not lead with it. Plus, he told me he feels like it's a power tactic as well, because he lives with me. He doesn't want me to kick him out or anything, because he's just given me so much amazing sex that I tell him to go, like he doesn't want to go crazy, and I'm like, don't you

think it would be the opposite effect. But due to his past, because he's a very accomplished man, he had a lot of women use him in the past, and I think he's fearing of that. He's like, if I leave, we can have all the sex you want. But he's like, I think, while I'm here, I don't think we should.

I want to just practice celibacy. He even mentioned marriage counseling, doing therapy together, and I told him myself, well, if a person wants to marry me, therapy is a requirement that I have for my partner before we get married. He really has a lot of husband like qualities where I can see him in that way, but it's just that trauma that he's still not healed from. And honestly, I feel like I don't I shouldn't even be in a relationship. I feel like we shouldn't even be doing this.

This is not the ideal way to get to know somebody. But I need the money right now. Just be honest. My lease is up in January, age, so he's he's probably gonna leave around that time, and I guess that's what we're gonna have a discussion of whether we're going to continue relationship or go our separate ways. But I do feel like if we actually continue our relationship or being one, sex has to come into play. Because I've

been patient, I will continue to be patient. But if we decide to move forward, I need to be having sex, and honestly, just he's like the last person that I'm choosing to deal with. If it doesn't work out with me and him, I will be okay being by myself because the way that the men are these days and how things are going, it's very hard to meet someone with all of those qualities. And I'm gonna leave it up to God. It's really gonna take God to just bring me my husband, because I'm not gonna go out

and find him, and I'm not gonna try anymore. It's gonna just have to literally fall in my lap if that's possible. That's how tired and drained I am from all of the pain and stuff that I've been through from trying to always make these relationships work. So right now, I don't know where to go with my relationships, and I don't know where to go with my career, and I just need your help to give me a different perspective. Now, we got a commercial, and if you click off this podcast,

I swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen, okay, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Can I talk now? All right? So that was a lot. Let's start from the beginning. You mentioned that you had lost too love of your lives to gun violence, and I want to tell you something without you getting upset with me either way. I don't care if you get upset or now. This is just what you need to hear. You spoke on two of your ex is being taken away from you. It could be the type of guys

that you were dating. You were dating guys that are in the streets. I understand. Um, that's what I'm connecting what I gather from the story. It seems like they were in the streets. Like you said, it's very limited pool of black men in Phoenix, Arizona. I travel there. I do shows there, so I do know that, and my shows there are not a lot of black men. It's a lot of Hispanics. There's a lot of you know, other races, but we do have some black people that

do come. I do understand However, you still attract a certain guy well used to, I would say. And when I say of the streets, I mean that they are living their lives dangerously in the streets. Now correct me if I'm wrong. Come back and correct me if I am wrong. But you lost both of them very violently. Now, it could just be too coincidental deaths where the bullets weren't for them, or they weren't doing anything to result in losing their lives this particular way. If I am wrong,

please correct me. But that's what it sounds like, that you attract a certain type of guy, and you are attracted to a certain type of guy um by choice. You cannot control who you love, but you can't control yourself. You have to be able to get self control. And that leads me into the career part. You have answered your questions so many times just telling me your story. I don't know how I ended up like this. I'm very intelligent, i am very talented, I'm gifted. I'm a

very smart girl. You sound all of those things you sell. You you're well articulated, you pronounce every every syllable and everywhere A girl. I'm like, damn, is this girl a literature teacher like you. You you sound very intelligent, you sound very ambitious, and that you you could be further, way further right now in life and your career then you are. Now, hadn't you let yourself be so consumed with your love life? Now you're still not old at all.

You're not even thirty, as you said, you're just about finishing your twenties, so you're not even out of your twenties yet. Listen, you've dated. That's what you gotta do to realize what's good for you and what's not. That's what you gotta do to learn yourself. That's what you have to do to learn what you don't want, what you can't stand, what you won't take, your disadvantages, your advantages, like all of that. That's what people do to find

the right one they date. Okay, there's no rule book to the ship, so don't kick yourself and ask too much on that note. But when it comes to your life, you know, because you just told me, you've spent so much time trying to make this work with this man and this man and that man and that man, and it hasn't worked. That you lost yourself. This is something that I see every day. This is something that I've even almost done for too long in my life. Then I got ahold of myself. You still can get ahold

of yourself now. Look, you have a dream to be a famous singer. Even if that does not work, it's not because oh you're just in your your late twenties now and girl, listen, it does not matter. Always used to chains two chains didn't blow until he was what what forty? Come on now, nobody care. It ain't about your age. This is not the old, old, long time agose days. No it's not. You can still sing, yes

you can. You can still be a singer. It is possible. Look, I don't hold the keys to making people famous, No I don't. But what I do know is that you can still be a singer. You can still do what you want to do, and you can prosper from that. You can build. If you have a dream, you fucking follow it. That's all. You just got caught up in love.

I don't really need to give you much advice on your career because you know what held you back now as far as cutting off your toxic relationship, friendships and all of that type of stuff. I understand that too. You say that you're bored. You're so bored that you missed the toxic relationships and you just want something to do. And everybody that you cut off sometimes you miss them because now you're cutting everybody off that was toxic in

your life, whether it be man, woman, friendship, relationship. You're so bored, you're willing to even put up with the toxicity because you just want something to do. Sweetie, do you realize what you're saying. You aren't treading life like it's like a like a little game like that's rather childish. On that particular part, that was the only part I felt like I was talking to a child. I was listening to a child. You're grown, you have no kids,

You have no obligations to anyone. You still have a life full of opportunity and possibilities that you can like it's limitless for you. You're not tied down. You're very smart. Girl. Go get a goddamn job. Go get your ass a job. You can be a dental assistant, you can go be somebody's receptionists, you can go fucking like, ma'am, yes you're in school, yes you but you're you're even living with somebody that you don't even want to be with it,

just for convenience and for financial reasons. You're living your life like a college kid hanging on by a thread. You even told me you dropped out of school for love. Look, you need to stop dating for a long time, even with this man you're living with. No no, no, no, no no. You don't even sound excited talking about them. You're not attracted to them, obviously. You just want some dick from time to time, and you want to be able to have money, and you want to be a singer.

But what it sounds like is that you've never really put any hard work into yourself. And I'm putting it more specifically that way because I don't even think that you see it that way. You're blaming it all on love because you even said it. I mean, if it falls in my lap, okay, great. You can't expect anything to fall in your lap, not a man, not a job, not a singing career, nothing. Everything that people have really successful people, they worked for it, unless it was passed

on down. They don't seem like your parents gonna give you jack, honey. So you need to pull yourself up. Don't focus on a man. And what a man can do for you, not even the one that lives with you. Don't focus on him. What you need to do is you need to release him from your house. I'm not gonna say put him out abruptly or whatever, because that's rude, But you need to release that man from your house. You're using him, you're using him. Okay, that ain't gonna

go nowhere. He's not attracted to you. You ain't attracted Sam, You're way too okay with this way of living right now. And in Phoenix, Arizona ain't nowhere for nobody to blow up. I'm telling I'm telling you, you got the answer. Take your ass to l A, get a job, and make you a social platform. Start doing covers. That's how Lama made it. That's how a lot of a lot of stars made it. Queen Nijah, Jack, Queens, a lot of these celebrities made it by doing covers and they were

recognized on big platforms like YouTube. Make a YouTube channel. Pretty soon, I'm about to drop a seminar for entrepreneurs who want to make money using their platform. Again, that's not the ticket to famous, that's not the ticket to start them. That's the ticket to some goddamn money, because what what do we need now these days? With this economy and this this market that we're in and everything, we need money more than we need some goddamn fame. Okay,

back then, everybody wanted to be famous. How about now? I bet if you ask everybody that wanted to be famous years and years ago what they want now? What they would take now? Famous over money? Oh, it would be money. It would be money. Famous is not even the same famous it was when I was growing up. Okay, sometimes I don't even want to be famous. Sometimes I don't. But I'm already here, and now look what I'm doing. I'm helping people like you. I need for you to

pull yourself the funk up. You need to put that man at your house. You need to start looking for a new place to live. Phoenix ain't gonna do it for you. You didn't already wore Phoenix out, honey, looking up and down Phoenix streets for some goddamn love. Girl, Look for a job, Get your life together. What's your smart self? What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? I often ask women that especially the women that right me, what is wrong with you? Because obviously there is something

wrong with you. Woman? Put that man out, and you sitting here telling me that you just moved them in for the money. But then on another hand, you say, I'm just gonna leave it to God. I'm just gonna no, no, no, it don't work like that. I want I want these people that I want y'all to understand that y'all cannot use God when it's convenient for you. You can't do that because what you're doing right now is not good. What you've done up to this moment. It's put yourself

last and every other man first. That's still what you're doing right now. That's your place. Learn to depend on the woman you are, learned to depend on your stability. Learn to get some goddamn dignity. You see right now, where all this love and all this convenience and all this putting everybody else puts you, It puts you last, Literally, it puts your last. You're the last person on your priority list. L A would be a good move. Vegas would be a good move, Atlanta would be a good move.

Miami would be a good move. If you need money to move, that means you need to get a job. While you and Phoenix saved up because you have no kids. You don't have no kids, you don't have no miles to feed but your own. And don't give me no bullshit. I don't want a regular job, Oh well baby, look you're gonna have to get one. But the way you speak, a girl, you can get any almost almost any goddamn job you want. I ain't trying to hear that ship check back in with me because let them piss me off.

And then another thing I want to say before I go. You're talking to me about how this retired ex military man who was once married before now divorce, makes six figures, no kids and all that, why the hell he ain't got his own place? Why the hell? And how the hell is he living in your house? And he's dictating rules like I don't want to have sex because I don't want that to give you power to put me out? Well, is the sex good or is it gonna be? Phone?

Why would I put you out? Shure? What's what's what's going on there? Don't give me no bullshit about this man because you ain't telling me something. Because if he's a six figure making retired ex military once before murray nailed divorce, no man that that's a come up to me and all he gotta do left is to be handsome. Oh baby girl, don't play with your damn self. It's the reason why you don't want his ass. It's the reason, and it's something that you ain't telling me, why he

can't live by himself, why six figure my ass? Don't feed me that, but check back in with me, and just like that, we've come to the end of another just fixed my Mess Carefully Reckless episode with your Girl just hilarious. Y'all. Make sure you'll tune into Reckless discussions tonight. It will premiere at seven pm. Every Wednesday at seven pm, and Carefully Reckless every Wednesday at seven am. Tune in peace. Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and

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