I'm Only Gay For You

Good morning Jazz. I know it's early as fun, but I've been meaning to send you this voice note because I need you to help me figure out my mess, like how I'll hit you with that one to not fix my mess, figure that ship out because my motherfucking confused over here. Sorry for the party mouth. I know it's early, but before I go into details, I must say, bitch, I love you like a motherfucker, like you're my inspiration, my motivation and I'm an upcoming influenca entertaining myself. Anyways,

No free Pomo. I know you don't play that ship, but I tatd this girl in high schoo and she wasn't gay. You know, just most gay girls just feel like they can get any straight girl they want, no matter what, that they can turn the bitch out like girls staying your motherfucking lane and keep it pushing, like I learned my lesson. I respect my motherfucking caramel. So

any who, everybody just knew I couldn't get her. But it's like I made that ship a motherfucking go I'm gonna get this bitch like we'll be making that ship goes. I'm gonna get her. I'm gonna get her like knowing that bitch may not be that interested for real, but we're gonna make you that interested for it. We don't give an especially to me and motherfucking Sagittarius, I don't like anyways, that's the all me. We talked about it.

Oh me now anyway, So I've grown a lot, and she played softball, so I became the softball manager just so I could get closer to her and her behold, believe it, her motherfucking not, they did, motherfucking words. Yeah, I got I got her at softball practice. I would mess with her a lot, and then I was sitting next to her on the bus for the softball trips. I remember one time she was on the phone with her mom and I thought she was on the phone

with her boyfriend. So I hung that ship up, hung up in the mama motherfucking face, and I did not give no fuss, even when I found out that was Mama, because bitch, I'm sitting in the seat talking to you. I want your undivided attention her mom. And that's another little issue I had, like when we're talking, give me

your undivided attention. And this bitch would just get distracted anytime I talked to her and be on her phone, be doing this that in the third like, I want your undivided attention because I'm gonna give it to you you when you're talking. So I do others as I want done. Unto me, it's what people don't understand and the thing that we call life. So we're gonna move on, and um we grew closer as the days went on. Of course I kept messing with her. You know that little

play fighting ship turns into um that fucking ship. Yeah, yeah, I know you were doing that that girl. So one day I went over to her house for the first time to help her take her hair out. I ready to do what the fun was going to go to out? Bitch. I wasn't trying to go take the motherfucking hair out. But that's the way. That's the coach. You get your foot and the motherfucking do. So that's what I did. Like the game has played, you already know Mama ain't

gonna care about a bitch coming over. So Boom went over and helped her take her out. You know, we played, and the playing were led to other things and that was the night that baby was mine. After that, it was over. It was raps. Now, let me tell you where I sucked up. I expected her to be that gay girlfriend as soon as we got into the relationship. By me being gay, I expected her to pick up on the gay things that I did to her and

expected her to do them back to me. That was the huge issue of the whole relationship that made us turn toxic. And I will admit that it was my fault and take my accountability on it. It's like, when she didn't do what I wanted and she wasn't giving me the pleasure that I wanted, I want to got that pleasure and things from outside parties and code for cheating. Once that started happening, I started going to outside parties. And that's really really when things started getting bad. And

you know, I stay with her. I loved her, but I stay with her just because, first of all, when she first found out. She came back. And that's the problem that I feel like us as women have to stop doing so these men don't be so comfortable to do what they're do. We have too many women out here that settle and just accept because they feel like they won't find no one that will love them for them, or that they're not worth it, they're not enough. And when we do things like that, we or men or

whoever the other motherfucker party is he she adien. When we do things like that, we don't realize that we bringing our partner self esteem down and making them feel like, well, what am I doing wrong? So she came back to me the first time and she stayed. It was like that was go for me, okay, ship, she ain't gonna leave, She's gonna just come back. So I kept doing it. And I'm not saying it was the right thing to do.

I'm just saying my motherfucking story because baby, I've grown, Like I said, I accept my karma were and take forward responsibility because baby, bitch, I'm motherfucking miserable. Okay, Okay, So um, mind you has been three years. Oh I know you do that sound a fake to? Yeah? The relationship was just very toxic because throughout the relationship all I did was cheap get that pleasure from those outside parties,

and she returned. Now, I'm not trying to make her seem like no weak bitch, but that's what love do to you. And sad to say, you know, we we can't control temptation and comfortability. Sometimes we can't, but when it's breaking point, this ship breaking point, and we did eventually get to that breaking point. Um. I also had a little temperate mother problem. I would get mad a lot. I'm angry up until this day. I'm angry a whole another story for another day. Um, dealing with family stuff

like with my father, I'm angry. So it caused me to be angry and a lot of situations that didn't need it to be and I would feel attacked all the time when necessarily I wasn't always being attacked. So with all of that, and the way that she was raised and growing up and the things that she was going through, it just didn't work. We both were going through our own little separate situations and didn't realize that we just needed to be a part and figure out

our situations instead of trying to do it together. It wasn't working because we were so comfortable. But like I said, we eventually did get to that breaking point and after actually four years of being together, we broke up, and that was about three years ago, and we both haven't found anyone. We're still single and we're still friends to this day. And it took us a while to get to the point where we could be just friends. Of course,

because of everything that we've been through the history. It's hard, you know, for couples to be friends afterwards. But if you and that other party can agree to and come to common mature grounds, then it can work. It just depends on you and that other party. So it took us three years to this day to get that together because you know, I was the one that cheated, so I was the one that felt the guilt and was

trying to get back with her while all alone. She had moved on from the relationship from the first time that I cheated. In reality, she was just there because of comfort and of course she loved me, but the relation ship was done the first time I cheated. All trust was gone. And that's what others don't realize either. So yes, just the mess that I need you to help me figure out is why am I still single? Why I feel like I've grown a whole heap of

motherfucking lot from being in the relationship with her. I learned a lot. I learned what to do and what not to do in a relationship, and not just I honestly feel like and know for a fact that I wouldn't ever in my life cheat on another person again, like I really truly loved her, And of course you don't realize that until after the fact. And I would never ever want to see the person that I love hurt and cry and knowing that I was the pain

and the reason. The after effects of all of that is terrible and it's draining, and it's stressful in this depression, and it's your mental health. You fucking wait. At that point, I loasked about thirty pounds went from two hundred to one sixty dealing with that after the fact of us being uh not together anymore. So it was definitely, um, it was a lot. And now I'm just trying to figure out why am I still single? Like I said, it's been three years and I still like I haven't

found no wine. I feel like I've grown a lot. I've changed a lot. My whole life perspective has changed, just with experience and everything I've been through. I grew the funk up and it's like I've talked to females since I've been with her, but it's like all of it ends up not working out. Like the people I've tried. This craziest funck be tried. I tried to motherfucker that got shot, a motherfucker that's Bob Polar, motherfucker that motherfucker tell me I'm too aggressive. And I had like a

nigga too much. And there were the ones that's really fucked up in the head. They had secret kids on the way and ship like I don't know. It's just confusing, like why can't I find find love? And I don't know.

I feel like maybe I have to find myself first before I find love or you know, figure out my life and who I am as influencer, actress, brand ambassador, model, public figure, motivational speaker, I do it all, most tolerant female, and I just feel like because I'm on maybe my little come up, then maybe that's the reason why I haven't found no one, because you know, it gets lonely when you're great and when you're meant to be successful

or a star in life, it gets lonely. And I was listening to pretty v Well, just think about what she said the other day actually, um, when we were at the Revote summing in Atlanta, I know you were there for a while now to a girl I love like that, but yeah, she just mentioned that it gets lonely on this journey. But you know you're gonna have anxiety and you're gonna go through ship, but don't let that determine you or be your whole life. And it's just of course it's hard as ship, like as hard

as funk. I really be lonely as fun. And I would go back and take certain people just because of how lonely I am. Like that's another thing about us as the human fucking population, Like we really would go back and put up with the motherfucker that maybe put our put their hands on us, cheated or made anything that did anything wrong and just deal with them just because of us being bored. And that that's another generational

cycle or so sociality. I don't know, social thing that we have to break as a whole, Like it's not a good thing. So yes, like Jess, I just I just need help. I don't understand why I'm still singing my doing something wrong. Like I talked to these different girls and um, it's like it just never works out, like our personalities just like I expect. They made me feel like I'd be expecting too much, Like I'm not from the lower my standards bitch. No, like I don't

be it, don't be too much. I just want undivided attention. I want the motherfucker to show me that care. I want the motherfucking rolls pedals in the hotel. I want fucking all the little cute ship of flowers. I've never received flowers like that's and that's a lot of things that I always did in my last relationship that wasn't necessarily always done to me as well, Like I don't feel like my last relationship really was at one emotionally affectionately wise like at all. And yeah, like I'm not

lowering my standards. I just I need motherfucker's to to get right. But maybe I'm just happy to find my person yet I don't know. And I'm still young. I'm twenty three, so maybe that's another thing. I don't need to be worrying about this because another thing that I realized is when I stopped worrying about bitches, my life gets better and my blessings come better and all of that good stuff. So, yes, Jess, I really hope you listen to this. I can't wait. I love you, boo,

and that's the end of my motherfucker's story period. Hold up, Hold up, I know the ship getting good, But listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial with your love me. You'll listen, Okay, So I love you too. I want to tell you you have kept me entertained throughout this whole ordeal, this whole story, from beginning to end, and I do see a motherfucking future and stand up for you, because child, you know how to tell a story comical. Okay, all right, let's get down to some

serious ship. It's a couple of things. First of all, you being twenty three, Yes, you are too young to be worried about this ship right now, especially when you want your come up. I wouldn't put little in front of it, because it ain't nothing little about to come up. You know what I'm saying. You're you're gonna be wait, further than you ever expected to be. You're very charismatic, so I definitely get how you charm girls, but you

also are controlling. I hear it. You're you're very controlling, bitch. You wanted this girl to get off the phone with how my fucking mother to talk to you? How mother could have been drowning? How mother? I don't know why she would be on the phone if she was drowning, But you get what the funk I'm saying. Is that what I'm saying, that's a mother you thought she was talking to. If I'm remembering right, you said that you thought that she was talking to a guy at first,

or a girl or whatever. She was talking to her mom, And you was like, I don't give a funk, even if when even when I found out it was her mother, I didn't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying. How the funk would you feel if your mom was on the phone with you? And the bitch was like, I don't give a funk about your mother, Get all that motherfucking phone and talk to me. Give me, first of all, you give me female Ike Turner, if if

you asked me, you know what I mean? And it's a couple of control of things that you've got going on. But I also noticed that you also brought up your dad as well, so you're still upset. You've got a lot of animosity with a lot of family ship going on. That could be where you're controlling issues stem from. That could be where your anger issues stem from. Straight up, you already said it. You know what I mean. You

may need therapy for a lot of things. You may, also, like you hinted towards, need to find yourself and figure out who you are and what exactly you require to even be loved. Because I think that attention, that undivided attention that you long for so much for one person. I think you wanted that from your father. I think you probably wanted that from like your parents growing up. You didn't really speak on your mom. But I think what we do as human beings we lack, we go

without these basics, like these essentials for so long. Is now that we're adults and we grow up and we try to love and we try to be intimate and have these relationships that we don't realize that we lack until we are in love with somebody and we realize that we don't have something that we should have been had before we jumped in a relationship, so you try to blame it on other people. I don't think you should lower your standards, no, but I think you should

find who you are. Your standards are not. The problem is what you require. You require too much from a female, you do, and then too fast. Girl. You became a softball coach to get close to this bitch and she wouldn't even get That was a lesson that you learned. You said it at the beginning. You can't turn every straight bitch all the way gay. You can't do that. I was in love with a female before, but I never touched or looked at another female after her. But

that female couldn't make me gay. I just liked her. I knew I still wanted some day. I knew I still wanted to explore the dating pool of men. I just was obsessed with this one girl. I didn't want no more pussy after that, I didn't. I didn't even want her pussy. She wanted mine, and she got that mothercker too. But after that, it was no more of that. You understand what I'm saying. So when you say I felt like my last relationship, I wasn't reciprocated. Yeah, because

she wasn't gay. She wasn't able to give you what you gave her. You went in already knowing your sexuality. She didn't know. She was curious, bi, curious, a little bit gay, lot of gay whatever. She wasn't as far into it as you was. She didn't know where her sexual preference was. She was just trying to ship she and up liking it, but not liking it enough to be gay. That's why I think she didn't give you

what you wanted her to give you. She didn't give you everything that you gave her, you know, in a sense of just being in a relationship with her. Now we got a commercial, and if you click off of this podcast, I swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen, why are you still single? You want me to tell

you why you're still single? You're twenty three, You don't know who you are yet, you still got issues to resolve that are deeply rooted, and you can't hold nobody else accountable for what the funk you had going on. You don't even know what you got going on. You understand what I'm saying. I think you need to see a therapist. I think you have such a big personality and you're so passionate about this ship. You need to do it carefully. You're so passionate about being with someone.

You need to be careful. You need to do it right. You said somebody told you that you back like a nigga. You do. That's not necessarily bad, but you do. I think you need to focus on yourself. You're twenty three, give yourself, realistically until seven to be in another relationship. I know you don't want to hear that ship that's four years away, you know, from now. But I think the greater good in all this is that you're on a come up and you don't have time for distractions.

You just said it at the end of this message. You said, when I focus on bitches, I'm distracted or no, no, no no, verbatimly, you said, when I ain't focusing on bitches, when my mind ain't on bitches, I do so much better in life and all of that ship. Don't focus on bitches, as you would say, don't focus on women, don't focus on a relationship. But if you really really tired of being lonely and you don't want to just I'm not saying you don't. You don't date. You don't

have to be in a relationship. Dating and being in a relationship is something totally different. But I feel like you attach yourself very quickly to a person too. Now that's your girlfriend. No, you don't have to jump in a re ationship with everybody you date. That's why it's called dating until you realize that you don't want to be without this person. But you can't feel like that until you know a person in and out. You got me, So I think you should focus on yourself and date.

Go to new places. If you keep meeting people the same places, don't go to them places to meet people. You're attracting people. That's getting shot. Uh, that's hiding kids. You know, all that type of ship whatever, everybody's gonna have something with them. You got shipped with you. But that's why you need to work on that. Nobody is ever gonna be fully healed, Nobody is ever gonna be perfect or you know held. You know why, because life

goes on every day is new ship that happens. You run into new trauma, new obstacles, you know what I'm saying, New fights, all that type of ship. You run into that type of stuff. So we're constantly healing and evolving all the time. New traumas are gonna happen. And where you're going in the lane you're in this industry, Oh yeah, you're gonna run into some obstacles. So you're gonna be forever healing. You're gonna forever be a work in progress.

But you've got a lot of fighting you. You're very passionate. I can tell when you love, you love hard. So don't waste that. Save it for the right person. But get yourself right, man, and check back in with me. I love you too. She didn't took up the whole goddamn episode. I'm gonna be her ass, But I really really do appreciate that story because these are the stories that that a lot of people feel like they're alone, and a lot of people have these issues where they

feel lonely. They don't want to be alone, but they have so much traumatic stress and and they have depression, They suffer with anxiety and ship like that because they have deeply rooted issues that they haven't even that they haven't even accepted about themselves. Like you know, you see this girl, she has a habit of well, had a

habit of blaming everybody else for her being single. No no no, or blaming everybody else for why they can't meet her requirements or her standards and and and her practices and ship like no, no, no, no, we can't have a list of demands. We can't have a list of demands. And we don't even know what the funk we want. We ain't even altogether, but we're not all together. My brother Daisy, who opens up for me, he's a comedian.

He has a joke about that how both men and women when he when he's getting these relationships, they have these presentations like you know, you present this girl with a list, you present this guy with a list like fasting, something as small as, oh, this nigger gotta have a house, he gotta drive, he gotta have a bins, he gotta have a job, and a job he gotta be making more than twenty five hours an hour. He gotta be And then you're sitting home. You ain't got no mother

fucking job. You're receiving government assistance. You got four kids with with three baby daddies, do none of them do nothing for your kids and ships, So you're just single mother, sitting home, living off of the system. And ship and you know you don't drive at all, you know, you know, ship like that. You ain't got yourself together, you don't even have a plan for your life. Ship like that, and vice versa. So these lists of the man's these

people feel entitled and ship. That's why a relationship, especially these days, there's no fucking joke, ain't no jumping in and out. That's why I can't stand in a relationship because I was in the same place she was, the same way she was. You know what I'm saying, You gotta learn who you are. I'm just now stepping into who I am. I'm just now knowing getting to know myself in a way where it's like, oh, ship, that's why I couldn't keep this man. Oh that's why. This,

that's why. Okay, that's why. That's why. That's why. And with every person you date, you learn something about yourself. You have to be open minded enough to learn about yourself because a lot of people still will date. You got old niggas, old women, old men up in their sixties and seventies, still wondering why they're single, going through life blaming everybody else accountability. Sometimes you have to turn mirror on yourself and you just have to be like

yo funk. Dating for a minute is as hard as that is. Nobody wants to be by themselves. But you can date. You don't have to be in a relationship. You can literally have a person that you communicate with. If you can't find that person, ship, pray for it. If you ain't religious, motherfucker, go out and explore new places and new things. If you're hanging in the same places, you can get the same results. If you're doing the same ship, you can get the same results. Do something different.

But that is the end of this episode. Thank you for tuning in, and make sure you tune into co Parenting Therapy every other Wednesday at seven pm only on YouTube. And tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday in the morning, on your way to work, on your way to the gym, on your way to drop the babies

off to school, or wake up. Listen to it, go back to sleep if you've got no damn job, and then my deepest pam voice piece lad clad s M. Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.