Happy Moms Matter

Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio and The Black Effect. Oh Shit, be back on the air. Welcome back to y'all another carefully reckless episode.

With your girl.

Jeff's hilarious. I'm gonna be fixing mess y'all. What's up? What's good?

How y'all doing out there? Checking on y'all mentals, checking on y'all mentals, y'all been checking on myne lately. I'd be going through my dm y'all. I just want to let y'all know, don't ever let no influencer or no celebrity make y'all feel that they don't be in MDMs, because it'd be money in there. So we all be in there, okay. But I just want to take a second and point out the love that I always get

All right, here goes the voice note.

Hey dress, So I have found your podcast, maybe about I don't know, a month ago, you know, looking for shit to listen to while I'm at work. And I just want to say, I think it's great that you're helping people, you know, so help me fix my mess. Please.

It's a lot why I'm gonna try to keep it short.

So twenty four and I got two kids, two boys. My youngest one is twelve weeks so he's fresh.

This has to do with they dad. Okay, So.

Before I found out that I was pregnant, we had literally just broke up. And then I found out that I was pregnant.

Okay, why did we break up? Well?

This girl talk so goddamn slow. Come on, girl, People trying to listen before they get out of their car and go to work.

Shit, you're gonna make somebody late.

Basically, he was super disrespectful, you know, always calling me out my name, you know, like saying shit, you know, just just coming at my whole life. You feel me like literally just trying to, you know.

Bring me down. And honestly, it.

Was getting to a point where, like I was, I'm not gonna say that I was believing him, but it was definitely making me feel some type of way.

Just just a whole lot of bullshit. And not only that, but like he put his.

Hands on me, h uh uh.

Like he wasn't like beating the fuck out of me or nothing.

And I'm not trying to like say like that it was okay or anything like that, because no.

It's not okay now.

And now I know before I played the rest of the story, her ask not about to say he wasn't being like the fuck out of me or nothing.

He was just like hitting me a little bit, bitch, was putting his hands on you. That's just all that matters. And he shouldn't have been doing it, but continue, but.

He was doing that. And basically, you know, you know how you be in a.

Relationship and you you hope that they change, and you know, you keep trying to talk to him and you're telling him that this is the problem, right, and this is the problem, and you just you know, you just keep putting up with it. Like I kept putting up with it until I got tired.

So I broke up with him.

Then, like I said, broke up with him, found out that I was pregnant with our second child, didn't get back together with him.

Going uh so, long story short.

You know, he ended up getting in like he got mad, and it ended with him going to jail, like because I call the cops and you know, like people will be like, don't call the cops.

So like, I honestly, I didn't even want to say anything about it because you know, people feel.

How they feel about it.

Girl fuck people, Oh my god, Jesus, But.

Honestly, I don't really like it's hard when you really don't have anyone else to turn to.

Yeah, and you know, like my family, like they're not really the type, Like they wasn't coming through for me, honestly, And I mean it's cool, but you know, what else was I supposed to do? Like I'm like at this point, I'm scared. So basically, like at first, I was a little scared to.

Tell him, like yo, like I don't want.

To do this anymore because he came home and you know, he's trying to work it out and I wasn't you know, I wasn't expressing that, yo, like this isn't what I want to do, because I was low key scared.

I'm a low because like.

He it's when he gets mad, that's when he starts acting crazy. That's when he wants to start putting his hands on people and stuff like that. So I wasn't saying it, you know, but I was feeling it.

And now like.

I finally had the conversation with him, and you know, I came out and I told him like, I don't want to do this anymore, like.

And you know, of course he didn't really like it.

And then you know, like that narcissism or whatever, like he's like, well, I don't like you, like you're crazy if you thought that I ever wanted to be with you.

Blah blah blah blah blah.

But this is the thing, this is a cycle, you know, because I've told him that I didn't want to be with him before, you know, like I when I remember whenever I was mad or whatever, like I told him, and.

He, you know say what he.

Says, disrespect me, blah blah blah blah blah, and then he's trying, like three days later, we're back on the same shit.

I mean, we're not back on the same shit. But three days.

Later, he's acting like he didn't say anything, you know, like he didn't disrespect me or whatever, and I kindly remind him, and he's.

Like, oh, well, I gotta say stuff like that to you. I've gotta be like that with you because blah blah blah blah blah. And to me, I just feel like that's bullshit. And basically, I guess.

My question is because I feel like he doesn't really understand that I'm at a point where I really just don't want to be with him, like I want a co parent, you know. And that's another thing, like he uses that against me. He knows that I love my kids with all my life and I want them to have their father and their life, like I don't want them to grow up in a broken home.

But at this point, it's like they deserve.

A happy mom, absolutely not a miserable mom, because you can't do anything for them if you're not mentally okay.

So yeah, he tries to use my kids against me, and I guess to just like stay around or you know, use that as a crunch. I don't know, but basically, I'm over it. I'm so done, like I don't I don't want to do it anymore. And I don't think that he understands that, Like he thinks like we just had a conversation and you know, like I guess he's horn it.

He's trying to fuck so he's being super friendly.

And like I said, I reminded him of the shit he said, and he you know, I just.

Told you what is the reasons was?

But I'm like, we're just friends or you know, like you're just my baby daddy.

And he's like, yeah, all right, like yeah, okay, like stop.

Playing with me, okay, so stop playing, Like does that affect you? Like I wonder does that like affect you? Him saying that, like yeah, I ain't playing, but you gotta really not be playing.

Let me let you finish, girl, cause I'm about to have to lay into you.

I'm sorry, this is so long.

I'm sorry, girl, like for real, for real, if I was to really get down and dirty and into everything, like it would be a lot longer. I'm trying to keep it short. So basically, I know I keep saying that. My question is how can I get out.

Of this situation?

Safely and with him understanding that this is not what I want to do anymore.

You know, Like what can I do?

How can I get him to understand that this is not for me? Like at this point we've outgrown each other. What can I do? Because I don't want to, you know, Like honestly, I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, and I be feeling like when I be listening some of.

That shit like sound like me and him, Lord Jesus, well, I don't want you to. Don't listen to snaps because with a lot of them, when the women snap, they be killing the men and vice versa.

So look, I think you just let me, let me, let you finish, Jesus.

And like I said, like everything is probably not as bad as like the true crime podcast, but it's like close enough, and it be having me thinking like, oh my gosh, like this could literally be me one day. Like that's what I be thinking about, Like if I don't get out, it could get worse than this. I could end up dead, like and he's made threats like that, like he's starting to hurt me, you know, and he he even goes as far as the next person I go.

But he's gonna hurt them too.

So it's just like I'm worried, like I don't want to do this no more, but I want to be safe, and like by me being a little afraid, it's like keeping me.

It's keeping me in this relationship.

Well it's not even a relationship because we're not together. And I tell him that we're not together, but it's just like keeping him around.

If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back. Okay, So that is the end, honey, Lord God, I'm gonna pray for you tonight and every other night until I hear from you again. But it's definitely time for you to get up out of there.

I know that.

You know you say that you're staying there. You because you well, you gave.

Me a couple of reasons.

You know, you want your kids to see the whole family dynamic, and you know, but let's just go one by one. You wanting your kids to see the whole family dynamic. You turn around and said the right thing that comes right after that. But I want them to see mom happy. If mom is not happy, if mom is miserable, if mom is staying with their father who is not only mentally abusive or emotionally abusive, but physically abusive. And obviously, your kids, the older they get, they see

And then is what is his background?

Like?

What is he like?

Ex?

Military?

Like what will he always find you? Why haven't you gone to the police? Like that's number one? Where do y'all live?

Like?

Do they take what they take?

This serious?

This is domestic?

Obviously, I honestly do feel for you, but I need for you to feel for yourself enough to get out of the situation. You get what I'm saying, like, and then of course you and your boys will meet therapy. How their father needs therapy right now, but he ain't gonna get it. But I want you to understand, you this, this situation grew to be as bad as it is because you allowed that for so long. You allowed this

And like I said, is he a street dude? Like what makes you so afreie? What has you so afraid?

And then I also heard you say you don't have anybody else to turn to, So you don't have any family, no friends, nobody, a best friend, a cousin like uncles. You don't your dad, You don't have any body that can help.

You or where you can turn. You need to get a restraining order. You'll need to do that. You need to call the police.

Kiss.

Yes, I'm just fixed my mess all day.

But at the end of the day, honey, I can't come get you physically myself. I wish I fucking could, Like this is this is horrible. I really would love for you to keep me updated, definitely, Like where the hell did you meet this nigga? This is weird as hell? And when did you start seeing signs of this? Like, cause y'all got two kids together? If I'm not mistaken, that's what I thought you said, y'all got two kids. You don't have one child. Y'all just had a baby.

With the second baby.

I just need to know, and I need to know that you're okay as well, and that you're gonna take the necessary steps to make sure you're okay. Cause this shit ain't cool, Mama, I guarantee you it's not. I don't even like hearing this about women, but I do appreciate you letting me into your life enough to even allow me to advise you in any type of way because these days, you know, all days, but especially these days, women do need to stick together. I don't care what

Jess, good morning, or at least it's morning here for me.

I don't know what time it will be when you listen to this or if you listen to.

This, but I wanted to first off, thank you for your dedication and fixing people's mess even when they must be feel good, honey.

But thank you for all that you do.

And I'm just gonna get right into it and drop my lilw mess off in your lap. Okay, So, my husband and I are having a hard time seeing eye to eye with wanting to expand our family and have another. So a little backstory. We've been together for ten years.

We currently have a preschool aged child after our son.

Initially, my husband said he wanted no more kids, like want and done, and he was pretty firm on that, like, you know, We've had a few conversations and he's like, nah, I want no more.

I want no more x y Z okay.

So I've always wanted two children at the least. My thinking has always been having one kid it's just selfish, you know, like if something happened to that kid's parents, no one else understands what that kid is going through but a sibling, you know what I mean, Like.

You could have cousins, this person, this.

That, and the third to be there for you, but no one really understands that pain of losing a parent other than your sibling. And furthermore, I just felt like, you know, having just one kid, I don't know, that's.

Boring, Like damn giveing a friend apartment a friend like have you know.

I mean, maybe I won't even like each other here.

I don't know, but that has always been my thinking.

So I've always been said, like, I want at least two children. Obviously, I can't pick the gender, but I've always wanted at least a boy and a girl.

Okay, so let me get back to it.

Because I'm just taking you through my little thinking and everything.

Okay.

So basically, like I say, he was pretty consistent with saying he doesn't want anymore, he's wan and done, and I basically tell him, and I know, before you check me, I know this is wrong the way I went about it. I know it's selfish. I know you don't do these type of things, but I did tell him, like, you know, I want another kid, and if you're stuck on not expanding our family, then maybe we should reevaluate our relationship

It just didn't feel the same.

And I know every pregnancy is not the same, but something, you know, your instincts, something just wasn't right with this one.

But he was excited, and I.

Actually feel like I was very excited my first pregnancy. I felt like he was whatever, like, ir we having a kid, cool, you know, but that's also his personality. But that the second time around, I felt like he.

Was like excited and I wasn't. Like, wait, dude, the table's fucking turned. Yeah. Anyways, we ended up losing a baby.

So this is where things take a little complete term.

Honey.

Okay, So I'm at a place now I no longer want another kid.

I'm not interested. I'm just over it.

Like our son is only getting older and I don't necessarily want to.

Start over, you know.

Like, don't get me wrong, I love babies. Oh my gosh. I love children.

I love babies, I work with kids. I want to have my own day care.

I love kids, but I just don't want anymore.

I don't know if it's because like we're in our thirties and I just want to travel, I want to build, I want to start a business, and I just I don't know, or I also feel like I never got back into me after No, I'm not even gonna say after having my son, because even before my son, I felt like I never I kind of fell out of being me. I started gaining weight, you know, happy weight, but don't get.

Too happy shit.

But I started my happy weight and then I paired it with babyweight.

I never got rid of that.

So I feel like losing the second you know, the second pregnancy, not being successful. I just feel like now I just want to focus on me. I want to focus on us. I want to focus on the y'all we do have. I want to travel, I want to build, I want to start a business, and I just want to make money moves.

You know. But each time.

He brings up trying for another child, I just expressed to him that I don't want to and I'm not interested. And I know it's my body and ultimately my choice, but I don't want to approach that with him, like this is a marriage. You know, this is a marriage. I don't want to be like this is my body.

I don't want to So anyways, what do I do?

Like he listened to me, he hurt me out, changed his mind when I basically gave him my ultimatum.

But now I'm not willing to change my mind. And it's not.

Like I'm fearful that he's going to give me an ultimatum, Like all right, well look check it.

If you don't want another kid, I'm out.

That's not who he is, that's not how he rolled. He not liked that.

That's me. I'm like that, but I'm changing my ways.

But anyways, I don't know, Like I don't want to just have another kid just because he wants one, and then I end up presenting him.

I'm not going to resent the baby. I can never resent a child. I could never. I love I already said this already, but I love children.

But maybe I will end up presenting him like but you may no, I don't think so.

Like no, I've said like that, you sound stupid, but I just don't want another kid. Like I know, I'm a great mom, and I.

Think maybe like him, seeing sometimes when I interact with kids, even in public, like I think it's like something in him that's like, oh my gosh, like she's.

Damn near born to be a mom.

And then like I don't know if it's also paired with the fact that he was so excited for that second child and then it didn't happen.

So yeah, now he's really really eager to fill that void because before we got pregnant with the second kid, it's not like he was excited to get pregnant, you.

Know what I mean, Like it just happened and we's like cool, and I'm like, yes, I think this is my girl. But then, like I said, like stuff started happening and I'm like, this pregnicy just feeling strange.

Hold up, hold up, I know this shit getting good. But listen to just a couple seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen.

Anyways, I don't know, though, I just I don't want another kid, and like I feel like, hell, all I'm sorry, I'm getting tongue tiny shit, But he like kind of always brings it into a conversation, like you're like just easey, motherfucking talking and I'm like.

Nigga, get somebody else to do it.

No, But like I don't know, do I need to go to marriage counsel for this shit?

But what the fuck a marriage counselor gonna tell me? I don't want the bagbee. No, let's talk about it. Let me just hear you out. I hope I gave you enough context backstory.

I said, we've been together ten years, right, we marry already got to I don't know what else you.

Need to know, but.

I don't provide you whatever details you need to help me figure the funk out.

What the fuck do? Anyways, thank you, and I advance.

Wo that girl is entertaining, Okay, And look y'all, if you'll I apologize about the noise in the back. Look I'm cooking right now, all right. My family's home, well, my man and one of my kids. Anyway, let me get back to her story, because, like she said, tables turn, Yes, they do. She went from wanting the kids and he wasn't really sure about it, or you know, he wasn't doubting it, but he was like, uh to he really really really want wanted his second kid, and then second second time.

She wasn't excited about it. That happens.

That definitely happens, I know, like I know couples and have known couples that that it happened with.

Oh my god.

It's a couple of different ways. It's a couple of different ways you can go about it. This is a hard one. I'm not gonna lie this. This is not as easy as I thought, y'all.

But shit, I.

Honestly think one of y'all just gonna have to bite the bullet. One of y'all would have to bite the bullet. I mean, what are you willing to like? Is he willing to adopt?

Is he like? Now?

Why don't you want to do it? Is it that you don't want to put your body through it? Is it that you just don't have time for another child? You know, I know you said you want to get back to you, But is that because you don't want to cause any more detrimancy a body.

Y'all been together for a long time.

There's a lot of history and he's broken, you know, from losing you guys as second child. You know, that can take a lot out of a person. And I'm not saying that it didn't do any harm to you. I'm just saying, you know, we're discussing him because he still wants he wants, like you said that boyd Field, However.

You're not there mentally. You just don't want another child.

And I just want to know specifically what it is because it always depends.

I mean it.

You could give him another baby through surrogacy, you know, you could give him There are different.

Ways that he could still get his baby, you know, So.

It all depends on if you're willing to compromise, make that, make that sacrifice a marriage to compromise that, Like, are you willing to give your husband a baby another way?

Damnit?

That is a lot that I feel for both of you because to be married and to be on the on two different pages about something.

So serious like that, that's big.

I know it could take over your marriage easily because that has to be on y'all, on both of y'all minds every day. He's not letting up, You're not letting up like what I know it has. It has to cause tension and division, and you know, in the home in conversations, I know it could even cause tension in your sex life. You know, because you don't want another baby. You ain't trying to let him shoot the club up. It could cause a lot of problems, you know, and

Check back in with me. I need I need. I need to know.

I mean, you said you left, you gave me all the meat on the bone and all that shit, But I still need to know.

I need to know. Are you willing to do it another way? Should?

Because that's how we move forward. Then I can give you some more advice. I could fix your mess further if you let me know what you're willing to do. I mean, why you really don't want the baby? What's up is it for your body? You can't handle another child right now? What exactly is it that's keeping you from giving him another baby?

So just check back in with me.

Oh and look, y'all, we just come to the end of yet another episode of Carefully Reckless with your Girl.

Just hilarious.

What I'll be doing, what I'll be doing, I'll be fixed the mess and I'm gonna be doing it from here on out, each and every Wednesday where you find your podcast at y'all and then my deepest Pam voice see you next week. Can't Fully Reckless is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.