Grief & Love

been overwhelming for all of us. I'm sure the middle sister is grieving better than me and my younger sister, and she feels like we should be going to therapy, et cetera. If we're not doing what she believes is right, then we're wrong. I texted her and let her know how I was feeling about my mom. She texted back, get help. Obviously I didn't get it through my skull the first time, because I ended up venting to her again with the same response. She does and understand why

I'm not ready for counseling, et cetera. She says, I'm being selfish to my family because I won't seek help. I feel like I'm doing damn good. I go to work every day, I handle my business and everything. The process is slow, but I'm dealing with it Selfish to me is if I would have unlived myself or disappeared and went at my A. We have not been in contact with each other for about two weeks. I'm at the point where I'm about to just let it be. I'm lost and don't know what to do or how

to feel. A part of me feels like saying fuck it. Maybe I should stay in my own lane, help a sister out. Just I wish to remain anonymous, and baby girl, you will remain anonymous. So first and foremost, I do want to just give you my condolences, my deepest condolenns for losing both of your parents, you know, a year apart. I'm very very sorry about that, not even a full year apart. I'm sorry about that. And your mom just

died this year, that was months ago, you know. So your sister, I think needs to be a little bit more patient with you. I'll just say, off the rip. However, I believe she loves you and she just wants you to get help because she sees that you need it. But in your defense, everybody handles grief differently. Your sister cannot expect for you to handle your mom's death like she did. And then you didn't lose one parent, you

lost both. Now you didn't specify if that's both of your dad or whatever, but I'm just gonna say that, you know, until you clarify that it isn't. Y'all just lost your dad as well. Next month would make a year that your dad has been gone. Your mom just passed months ago. Now I'm sorry, however they died or you know, it's still factual that they're never coming back, So you may have a hard time processing just knowing that you'll never be able to speak to either one

of them again, and it's hard for you. And then one death after the other that can take a huge toll, a long term toll on someone. Now, I wouldn't just shun the idea of getting counseling and therapy, because I do think you needed. I know a number of folks who parents have passed that wish they actually got help younger, like my son's dad. He still says it, You know, I should have gotten help. Somebody should have taken me and gotten me help. He found his mother dead when

he was ten years old. Fortunately for you, you were an adult. You know, you got to live out your childhood with your mother and your father. He did not. But even still it hurts. My mother lost her mother, my grandmother as an adult as well. I was in middle school and she had to get therapy. It doesn't matter when you lose a parent at any time in your life. It's worse as a child because you're not grown yet, so then now it's like, who's gonna raise me?

But the fact that you lived your full kid life and she left you as an adult, that still doesn't help, because I know you depended on her for so many things, and you probably were the closest to your mom. There are a bunch of different variables that goes into this, however, the main one stands everybody grieves differently, give it more time. I don't think you should say fuck it with your sister.

I think that she's very blunt and straightforward, and I think that that may be an issue for you too, that she's not really a pacifying person when it comes to these type of things per se. But trust me, she's dealing with it in her way as well. She probably has her nights and her days that are just unbearable, but she handles it differently. She probably doesn't wear it on her sleeve, but you never know how she's feeling. You haven't talked to her in two weeks. You guys

lost both of your parents. I find it quite hard to believe that you would just say fuck it, because you need both of your sisters right now. Whether they're on different levels of grief or not, you all need each other, all three of you. She's just trying to make sure that you do get the help that you need. Now. You pointed out to me that you still go to work, you handle your business, but at the end of the day, none of that matters. If you're still broken, you can

fall into a deep depression. You can become suicidal. That is what I think your sister is scared of. Without actually going there to actually say it, I think that that what she That is what she may be scared of. You know, she may be afraid that you may get so down that you may have suicidal thoughts, or it may start deteriorating your health, or you know, drive you mentally insane. You lost two of the people that birthew the two people that are the reason that you're even existing,

God being first. But they made you, you understand, God made them to make you. I don't know if you're religious, you know, not trying to impose or conform you in any way, but I'm just saying, take you one day at a time, but never lose contact with your sister. You said that your sister called you selfish. I will not say that you are selfish. You know, you're just not as quick to come around yet. But trust and believe she loves you and she wants to look out

for you as best as she can. And if getting help is the only way that she knows how to relay that message to you or to console you, then you just have to understand her. Just like you want her to understand you. You have to understand her as well. Don't lose contact because you guys need each other. Like I said, check back in with me and I will keep you in my prayers. Baby, Thank you, that's so sad. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and

then we'll be right back. Okay, moving on now, this one is an update. Hi jasked, Oh my God, thanks for reading my mess I definitely had to check back in and actually ask a question. I have been digging deep lately. As I said initially, my relationship is one year old. I am truly happy with him. He knows

how to treat a woman. I will say, but girl, I have seen and been through enough, and now I'm on this journey of discovering me understanding that we're all unique in my main focus needs to be on what I need as a grown ass woman. When I figured out my worth, I started moving differently. Now he approached me, of course, and like I stayed it before, I tried not to be materialistic, because a man can be rich and stable and also beat me and treat me like ship.

This is how I came to the conclusion of the black man's mentality. I say black because I date black men, not to offend any other race. Now I'm finding my man's mentality is a major issue for me and could be the only reason we might not make it. We have fun together. He treats me well, and I'm happy, yes, but I can't bypass everything else I need in a man. Because I'm happy, I am learning I need more than that. I'm far from desperate. I already have a kid. I

don't need a man for stability. I need a man for companionship and partnership. I don't need my man to have tons of money, but have tons of ideas about how you can get your money up. Lord, that was a word I think bigger than doing a legal ship like Jesus Sell cars Sell We've if you want to motherfucking get into sail so badly like sank my brothers. My man over here making me happy? Sure, but do he make me dinner lunch? Are these niggas making our lives easier? Okay, bear with me while I get to

this question. Honey, I feel him and I should be on more of the next level. He did ask about us moving together, yet we ain't even had a three day weekend together, been grocery shopping together like real life ship. I know we have great potential as a couple, but I am beginning to wonder if he is truly on my level. Example, I had an old boo that would take my dirty clothes to a laundry service, even though he ended up being a liar and a cheater, it

was the mentality for me. I didn't ask him for that, he just offered because he saw that ship would help me. That's where I need my man's head. Damn, girl, you're a single mom working hard as hell. Let me help you with life tasks. My man wants to take me out to fulfill his knee and we have fun. But girl, he planned ship that he wants to do. He has secured him a bit, which is me, so that now he ain't got to be alone. Is the vibe I'm getting. But seriously, I don't have one question. I have a

thousand questions. How do couples begin to take that next step in growing the relationship without rushing and without being pressured. I don't want to nag him or make him feel bad, but I'm also not settling in certain things. I just don't have a nice way of saying, Okay, girl, listen. So this is my girl. I do remember her. She was the one that dropped all of gems about the questions that she had about men. She was like, why is everybody mentality is just to be a thug or

damn you know hustler and ship? Where are the real rail rail thinking men out here? I think in order to grow your relationship with someone, I think that that starts with communication. I know that you say you don't say things nicely all the time, but I still think that sometimes you have to be a little blunt. You have to be straightforward, and you can do so without

being rude. You can do so without being a bit or without sounding like you're nagging someone, because no man really wants to hear that anyway, And honestly, they're human beings, just like we're human beings. We don't like to be talked to you like that. You know, I don't believe that a woman should talk to a man that way. I've actually done that, and I don't like the way I made men feel in the past, talking to them as if they were boys instead of men. So we're

just gonna keep the respect level. However, you do have a lot of valid points, and you are well deserved of that drive. I can tell by how you speak you have a lot going for yourself and you don't want to just settle for anything because you're very sure of yourself. You know your worth. What I think it is is that a lot of men don't know theirs. And when I say that, they don't know they're worth

in a sense of what they're capable of doing. A lot of people just subject themselves to certain things because of what's around them and their living environment and how they grew up, and and they think that they're bound to these chains and you know, to the cycles that can easily be broken. All you have to do is change it for yourself. You can put your mind to that ship and you can do anything. And that sounds very cliche. I know we heard that growing up. You

can do anything that you put your mind to. That is a true, goddamn statement. It's very true, and it's nothing to play with. It is I put my mind to do everything I'm doing now, and I'm putting my mind to do everything I'm gonna do in the future. This is not where I stop. I'm never gonna be comfortable where I am because I know there's always somewhere else to be, somewhere greater. So I think that he

doesn't know his worth. Now this is the question, because I love how you saying all this ship, but in the same breath you still are claiming him. I love that That means that you are willing to fix whatever you guys are going through at the moment. I believe that. Correct me. If I'm wrong, because girl, you are my man, my man, my man, every other sentence, and I love it. But there are issues that you, guys, need to fix

before you take it to the next level. I think you need to set him down and have a conversation with him like you're his mother, but like you are, really a concerned companion. Like you said, you don't need a man for stability. I love how you put it. You need a man for companionship and partnership. You already have a child, you already have things that you have established on your own. You're just ready to now settle

down and love and be loved. And he treats you good and all that, and you're happy, but you're saying happy is not enough. Okay, Well, you need to tell him what that looks like, and he needs to tell you. And if he's not the type to just tell you, ask him, what do you want from me? Where do you see us? What do you think you should do? You should tell him. You don't have to bring up the fact that your ex took your laundry to a laundry service, but you can actually tell him what you want.

Sometimes you have to do that. Ladies. Guys don't read our minds. They can't read our minds half the time, they don't even have anything in their goddamn minds. They can't read our minds. You can teach him and listen, I bet you, because he's not all bad, or you wouldn't be with him. The type of woman that I think you are, You are not about to sit there and be with no goddamn loser, okay, or anybody less

than what you require. All right. I think you need to be a little bit more patient, but also he needs to step it up, so you'a gotta meet somewhere in the middle, and that has to be a conversation, you understand. I think you should check back in with me again because I'm gonna keep bothering you about it, because I like how you look at things, you know.

I like it. And you could actually do classes for young women, you know, to teach them the worth and to teach them how to recognize real love and and why you don't throw it away and why you should work on it if it's worth working on. Because I think your relationship is very much worth the work. So check back in with me, girl, Hold up, Hold up, I know the ship getting good but listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me,

you'll listen. And lastly, Hey, Jess, long story. I'm gonna try to make sure I need your advice on if I should walk away or try to make it work. Basically, me and my guy have been together for seven years. Of course, we have broken up multiple times throughout the years. Well recently we broke up February two right after Valentine's Day, and just recently started back talking. Two months ago. We broke up because all of the accusing and assuming and

of course cheating. While after my grandmother died at the end of August, I started back talking to him. He was close to my family and would check in on me. Well, he's in a relationship with another girl, but still texting me and coming to see me when we're around each other. I missed that relationship we had and I don't want him to go, but I don't tell him. He tells me when I'm ready to be with him, he will

leave her and come back. Problem is, I was just about to tell him I want to get back together until I found out she was pregnant. I'm so hurt because we've been together for years and don't have children. We were high school sweethearts. We promised to never have kids with anyone else, and now he is all. I can't be mad because he didn't cheat and bring a baby home we weren't together. The dilemma is we're only twenty five. Do I stay and help raise somebody else's

kid because I truly love him? Or do I cut ties. I've tried dating other guys. I'll text and talk on the phone, but when it's time for the date, I get nervous and cancel or go ghost. Is it because he's my soul mate? Well, given that you, I believe that you're old enough to know what a soul mate is. I mean now, when I say that, I don't want you guys to think that I'm saying, oh, she's not

old enough to know what love is. But no, when you're very, very very young and you've only dated one person your whole life, you're really only bounding yourself to one person. That's why I encourage young people to date, because you don't know what you want because you've only dated one type of person who's your age. And then there are people who have been with the same person

since they were sixteen, you know. But usually those relationships end up with people cheating because they got together so young that they never got to date outside of just one person. But that's neither here there. I feel that you're comfortable saying that he's your soul mate, So maybe he is. You know, you said you talked to other guys, but you can't get him out of your mind. And you guys been together since high school, never had any kids.

You guys broke up one time recently, just started dealing back with each other. He's cheating on his girlfriend with you. He had started dating someone else and he cheated on her with you. He misses you. Um, all right, now, I'm gonna say this, but I don't think that you're going to agree. He Maybe you're soul mate in your mind, but you're certainly not his. He can't say things like he'll leave her when you're ready to be back with him.

That's not how that ship posts the work. If you were his soul mate, he wouldn't have to wait for you to say okay, we can be together for him to leave the girl. And now they got a baby, so their bonds absolutely bonded with a baby and that's a new baby. I'm a I mean, because all this is very recent you're talking of. I don't know. I think you need to think long and hard about this, because someone who you feel is your soul mate you may not be theirs. You know. I'm not saying he

doesn't love you. I'm not saying he doesn't care. I'm not saying he doesn't even want to be with you. But he certainly wants to be there as well, or he would not be there. And it's certainly not all because of the baby. So we're just going to take it for what it is. We're gonna be honest with ourselves, and we're gonna take it very slow. I don't think that you should move in that direction and settle for being with him raising someone else's kid, No, I don't,

or helping raid someone else's kid. I don't think you should do. I think you should try to move on and find another soul mate, because he may only be your soul mate as a friend. I think that's what people get miscoustry. Let me explain this real quick, and then I'm gonna end it on this note for you. So a soul mate doesn't have to be someone that you're intimate with. Your soul mating be your best friend. Your soul mate is just someone that you can't live without.

That doesn't necessarily have to be your husband, doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend. A soul mate by Dictionary definition as a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner, So it really doesn't have to be your man. Your soul mate can be your brother, you know, someone you can't live without. You know, a best friend, like I said, a good friend who understands you, knows you in and out, who, no matter what, will

deceive you or leave you. You know, that can literally be a close friend that could be one of your girlfriends. You know what I'm saying. But that's why I said. He may well very be your soul mate in a close friends sense, but in a romantic sense, I don't think so. I think he still has a lot of growing up to do before he even realizes what that is. But the fact that he's still with her, and he's cheating on her with you but telling you he's not gonna leave her until you are seriously ready to get

back with him. He's playing games now because now he has his cake and he's now eating it too. Let me ask you this, does the baby mother know that he's having sex with you and that you got are back in contact. If he was open and honest about everything with everyone, with each party, that would be different, because then you both have the chance to choose. You both have a choice then to say I'm gonna walk away from this or this is what I'm gonna allow.

But you only know about her. She doesn't know about you. You're not moving right, you know, because say he does leave her and come back to you, she can then become you, and he'd be cheating on you with her because you're already allowing him to do so on her. You know. It's what you allow. It's not what men do. It's what we allow them to do, and they will only go as far as we let them go with us.

So you're not really doing yourself a due diligence by accepting bits and pieces of them, because that's what you're getting. He has a family now, so I think that you should cut that off. You're young, you have no kids, and you got your whole life ahead of you. Baby. If you don't want to just be his friend and step back and weigh all your options. I can't tell you what to do, but you add for me to fix your mess, and that is what I'm telling you to do. Fix it because it's very messy and it

can get messier. And just like that, we've come to get another end of the segment, Just fix My Mess on Carefully Reckless podcast. I love all of you guys. I really really enjoy this. This is very therapeutic for me as I'm not doing the best in my relationship right now. I don't know if I'm in a relationship or not just so, or if I ever will be again.

Y'all ship, So, y'all pray for me while I continue to fix you'll mess and each and every week, tune into Reckless Discussions that lives on YouTube and YouTube only, and also tune into Carefully Reckless and then my deepest pamploids Peace Can'tfully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit the I Heart radi your app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.