Fixin' a New Type of Mess

I love you, but let's get straight to it. Well, I was on and off talking to this guy since since we both had just got out of year's worth of relationships that same year, we didn't want to hop into another relationship together, so we kept it simple. Tom goes By, we called ourselves having a flame for a year. So I called it off and explained I wanted a

man and build with someone he understood. Girls, See, this is why I told all to I'm I'm gonna go back a little bit, but this is why I told you all to send in y'all goddamn voice notes because this is a long run on fucking sentence, girl ship, but it's the juicy story, so I'm gonna try to fight through it, y'all. Y'all bad with me. Time goes by, we caught ourselves having a fling for a year, so I called it off and explained that I wanted a man, and is this another man, and to build with someone.

He understood, but he wasn't ready, so we stopped talking. Okay, So you wanted to build with him, Okay, okay, okay, because you wanted to take it further than the fling, but he wasn't ready, So y'all stopped talking. Okay, because you confused me because you said you cut it off, girl, all right? Most of last year he kept reaching out, but I wasn't ready. So finally he approached me right this past January and we've been at it since. He has been the only man I've seen this entire year.

I have no view for anyone else but him. But recently he just out the blue became distant with me. Mm hmm. I mean we went from at the house every day to him coming every other week. Then I moved and I started going by his house like once a week. We went from talking on the phone frequently to barely talking just distance. One time I went to his house and he was just super distant with me, So I asked him what's wrong, but he refused to tell me. So I rolled over, but he processed to

stay around eleven PM. Mind you, I got there around nine, and I never not spent a night if I came at night. Okay, okay, so what you say, because girl, you're sucking me up right here? All right? So the nigga told you had to leave at eleven, and you had just got there at nine, But you never not stay to night when you came at night. You always was coming to stay the night. When you get there at night, Okay, after a certain time, it's just always a given. I'm going I'm gonna get up and go

in the morning, all right. But this night he didn't want you to stay. He said, I have to leave out at five am because his kids are coming over, the same kids I already met multiple times previously. So I got up and left out. Of course, I expressed myself afterwards, but that hurt my feelings. Okay, we moved past that. Now weeks go by and he's still distant. He's still not letting me know what's wrong. I'm constantly trying to get him to open up, and he didn't.

At this point, I'm feeling unwanted and the only one in the relationship. So a guy I used to text prior to him started hitting me up and we started texting, just text more so a comfort zone. Now he knew about my man and I let him know I'm not cutting him off for him, but we will still flirt, which was so wrong of me, I know. So another week goes by and my man tells me he wants us to give each other a break. What So I'm hurt because why are we on a break? What did

I do? What's the reason? So I just started to talk to the other guy more Still didn't meet up with a guy, just talk. So this past weekend I went over because we missed each other, and I go to sleep and he go through my damn phone. This man goes through my phone and he saw the messages and now he has done with me, and I am super crushed. He blocked me on everything, and now I don't know what to do. I just know I want my man back, and I'm hurting so bad right now.

Oh baby, girl, Okay, there are a couple of things. Girl. Next time, you better send me some goddamned voice notes. I don't give a funk of a nigga. Know your voice or not, Girl, you better fucking talk in a different fu accent, because girl, that was hard and should I know it's because you heard I know. Let me calm down and help you, alright, child, Okay, So it's a couple of different things. We still didn't get to the bottom of why he became so distant. I don't

know if he's ever showed you narcissist vibes. I don't know if he's ever given you manipulative vibes. I'm not sure, but this sounds a lot like manipulation. This it sounds to me as if he was looking for a way out and he finally got one. Because if he was distancing himself all this time, and even down to the point where he told you he needed a break, there has to be a fucking reason. I'm not gonna jump

and say there was someone else. I'm not gonna jump and say that you were just doing all the wrong things or you were doing something wrong, because I don't know. Only he knows that, but it's something that he's not telling you. And there is a reason why he wanted out so bad. There is a reason y'all been on and off for almost four years, and for it to be out of nowhere, I'm sorry. I just feel like there's been something he's been hiding from you, or there

has been another woman. And like I said, like I just said seconds ago, I usually don't ever just make that my first go to, you know, because everybody does not cheat. I know that there's been this strange narrative that all men cheat or all women cheat. No, no, no, no, no no. I still don't believe that we can't put everybody in a boat together. No, but that's what it sounds like. And like I said, it sounds like he was looking for a way out. I know it hurts you.

I know it's hurting you, But baby girl, you need to put your big girl panties on. You need to turn that thinking cap on and really really see him for what he is, and see him for what he's trying to do, and let him know that you know what he's trying to do, even if you don't know, even if you're letting your love for him subside your real feelings. Your real feeling is you don't know what the funk is happening. You didn't know and that's why

you started talking to your friend. Okay, it was innocent, it was still wrong because just because something is not going right in your relationship does not mean you turn elsewhere for comfort. Now we all do it. It's very natural to do so, however, that doesn't make it right, and it's not right. But he is not telling you something. He didn't tell you something, And if you want to seek that, I would, But my honest advice is to keep it the funck moving and let him know that

it's his loss. However, you can still contact him. He blocks you on everything. That man is with somebody else right now. I'm so sorry. After a break, I see you after we've been on this break for a while, and the first thing you do is go through my phone. You're not even trying to miss on me, love on me. You guys didn't have a conversation about getting back together or whatever. You just went over there to spend the night.

Are you serious even going back to the one night that you spent the night there and you got there around nine and he told you you had to leave at eleven because his kids, who you already knew and been around frequently. We're coming at five am child. Please. If he ain't dealing with the mother, he's dealing with somebody else. And that's just what it is. And I'm sorry. The truth will fucking hurt you, especially when you don't

want to see it. If somebody is dumb enough to walk away from you, and you're a good woman, be smart enough to let them go. I'm serious. I don't know if you're a Christian, I don't know if you believe in any higher being. I believe in God, and I'm gonna let you know this. No offense to you if you do not, but I'm gonna let you know. God will remove something out of your life for you. Be that as it may. He may do it any way he sees fit for it to happen. Sometimes we're

blind to certain things that's not good for us. We will stay in a relationship, we will stay miserable, will be with someone and just stay stagnant at the expense of our own hearts, at the expense of our own happiness, our own sanity, our own mental health. Will trade that for fucking love, or for what we think is love. Will trade that. Love is not supposed to feel like this now. Love is not easy, but love is not supposed to feel one sided. It's not supposed to feel manipulative.

It's not supposed to feel so low and heartaching. It's not it's not like I said, it's not easy, but it's not impossible for it to feel good Right now, it's impossible for you feel good. The only way that you'll feel good, you feel, is if he'll come back to you. I wouldn't even want him back, you understand, because what he did was he flipp did. There was an issue from the beginning that you never got to

the bottom of. And yet he was looking and fishing and fishing until he found something which gave him the reason to be done. All right. I just need a way out, and you gave it to him. I will also applaud your honesty with the other guy. You let him know what it was. We're not gonna have sex, We're not gonna I just I'm looking for some attention right now because me and my man are going through it and I'm not getting that at home. He's lacking attention,

he's lacking interest in me. I feel, you know, he's falling back. He's being distant with me. You know, I do applaud you for being very honest. However, I'm not gonna give you no cookie for cheating, because that's still cheating. But who knows what the funk your man was doing? Your ex. I'm going to speak that into existence forever, your ex, all right, I'm so sorry. I know how a heartbreak feels. I know how it feels to want somebody who don't want you. I know, listen to that again.

I'm gonna say it again, and I know how it feels to want somebody back so bad that doesn't want you. He Ben didn't want you. He just didn't know how to leave you. He didn't have a reason to, and he didn't want to break your heart. So some people just feel like if we fall back, they'll get the picture. No, you need to communicate that because this girl is here in love with you still. You're still in love with him, but only time helps you with that. I'm telling you

you can do better, and you better do better. Check back in with me, baby girl. I'm so sorry, but that ain't where you need to because you are better than that and you deserve better. For sure. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back moving on. Hey Jess, First off, I wanted to let you know you're my favorite comedian and the funniest person on the internet right now. I've been following your journey since before your pages kept getting deleted

years ago. Oh and I go to one of your shows when you come to my area. Okay, So I'm a mom thirty years old. I have three kids, and my kid's father is thirty years old as well. We just recently separated. We lived together for years and seem to have a picture perfect family. They live with me now, but Dad is active in their lives and lives on his own. We both work full time jobs and have

busy schedules. However, he always seems to have time to make spontaneous, impulsive decisions to go on vacations, overnight trips with friends and leave me with the kids alone for days at a time. I never have a lone time or time for myself where I can go out with friends, vacations or just relax kids free for a minute. He has so much freedom, and in a way, I resent

him so much for that. Whenever I bring it up, he turned it back on me and tell me I complain too much or make excuses like I can have a life too low key. I think he's going through a pre midlife crisis. I've always been a subtle and meek girl, and when I use my voice to speak up for myself, I'm always told I'm the problem, or basically there's nothing I can do or say to make him change his ways. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of for my kindness and the fact that I'm

so accommodating. But at the same time, I'm accommodating because the kids live with me, and as a mother, I will never let them think they're an option to me like he does. He loves his children, but he's very immature and still wants to live that college boy bachelor life. My question for you is what can I do differently to get my point across or at least get him to see what he's doing isn't fair. Thank you, Jess. I love you, girl. Hey, baby, I love you as well.

I want to tell you first and foremost, thank you so much for being a fan and a supporter over the years. Girl. Back when my pages was getting deleted, I was mad as hell and I started to give up. Hell of times, Girl, they would delete my ship every other fucking week, I swear, until I had to make another one and start from scratch. Girl. Oh my god, that took me back. But I appreciate you for being a d one because that's what you proved to me with that. All right, all right, now for your mess.

All right, So you guys are both thirty. You guys have three children. Okay, so I don't know how long you guys have been together, but it seems like you guys have been together for a while. No, look, you're not that old. Correct me if I'm wrong with an update when you come back and update me on these questions that I'm asking, or even you know, the advice that I give you, hopefully you take it. So if I'm not mistaken, I'm going to assume that you guys

have been together since what high school? If not since teenagers, I would say, or college or something like that. I would say that. The reason why I would say that is because you're only thirty. I don't know how old your children are, but that's three kids, so there has to be a couple of years in between them, unless you got stair step kids. However, what I'm trying to get at is if you guys started at such a young age. No, he didn't get to live out his

bachelor years. Neither did you. But like I just told someone else who mess I was fixing, we mature faster than them. We know what we want faster than them, We know what we need to do faster than them. We become very responsible, quicker, very mature, quicker. You said he's immature and he still wants to live the you know, the bachelor days. Did he ever get to live them out before you? You know, not justifying the way he's going about it, but he does. He's correct. He has

a life too. You have one as well? Or are there any other family members that can help you? Do you guys have any other support systems? You know, your parents or your aunt's, your uncle's, your cousins, little cousins, or you know where you can go and let your hair down for a weekend or you know, these kind of things will be good with schedules. If you guys aren't together, like you said, there needs to be a

co parenting schedule. It may seem like he's always vacationing and he's always doing this, doing that, because you don't ever get to do those things ever. Like you said, you both work full time jobs, so it's because you never get to do it, and probably when you get to do it, you don't do it because you'd be so tired from working and then being a full time mommy as well. You just have to look at what

healthy co parenting looks like. Me and my son's father, we we've been doing it for eight years now, and that wasn't easy as well, but we've come to a place. Are there still feelings there on either end? Do you feel that a little of that resentment comes from you guys failed relationship and I'm sorry if it didn't fail, and you guys just grew apart. Let me know that as well. But where where else is that resentment coming from? Is he's still trying to get with you? Do you

still try to get with him? Do you still miss him? Do you still want him back? Do you think he still wants you back and that's why he takes all these trips and all that you know to make you jealous? Or two? It? Could it be deeply rooted? Could it be another take on it? You need to think about all that you know and that from wrong. That's fine, I'm just trying to get more clarity on it before I can really fully assess you the way that you know you need. But I think scheduling would be the

best way. Communication and scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. There's four weeks in a month. Most of the time you get the first and third weekend. I'll take the second and fourth weekend and I'll go do something with my girls and all that. You know, And I do understand he is very immature, yes, but he loves his children. And while you feel that he treats them as an option, um, I just think that you're more devoted because you're the primary parents. They live with you, so of course you

have the bulk of the responsibility at all times. And it's not just one, it's three of them. So I can see how you're very, very stressed and just how it's never enough time in a day and then you have no me time and no time to let your hair down. I think you need to commit to a schedule, and no, you can't make him do something. But I think I don't even know him, but I do think the fact that he loves his children, he'd be open to that. He would be open to it. Also, it

may depend on how you guys ended. How did it? Was it a nasty breakup? Like you know? How? How how? So just help me with more clarity, get back to me, update me if you want, or if you can, but just just let me know, let me know. I do appreciate you reaching out, baby girl, But that's a scheduling issue. That's all. That's it, that's all. Check back in now. We got a commercial, and if you click off of

this podcast, I swear I'm gonna beat your ass. Listen, and this is the last one and we're gonna get on out of here, y'all. This one is a voice note. Okay, okay, Just first of all, I just want to say I absolutely love your show, and I figured my problem might be a little bit more interesting because you tend to talk about relationship problems and things like that on here, but mine's a little bit different. It actually has nothing to do with relationships. I'm in college right now, and

I am in my first major production. Most of my time here, I've been doing like little student productions that are a little bit rough around the edges because they don't have a budget and it's really hard to get into a main stage show where I go to school. So I finally got into a mainstage show. I do struggle with mental health, and I'm working, and I'm a senior, and I'm doing a research project and I'm in the honors college. So there's just a lot on my plate

right now. But I was really happy because this show has well. I wanted it to be an outlet for me. I've been acting and singing ever since I was little, so this is like my passion. So one day, the director emailed me and she said that multiple people had come up to her and told her that I was talking about her, and which is ridiculous because first of all, that's not true, and I just kind of broke down in front of her and I had a panic attack because I am so dedicated to this project. I come

in every day. I don't complain. Well, there's other people in the show who literally actively complained during rehearsal to where she can hear them. And they talked during rehearsal and they goof off and stuff like that, and it just makes me feel like you decided to single me out, you know, And there's already issues with racism and stuff like that. In my school, so I'm trying not to just make it that kind of issue, but I can't

help but feel that way. And now I come to rehearsal and I feel like just an outsider and like I can't trust people because a lot of people in that show are very messy, and I just don't know who to trust. Whenever I talk, people ignore me and they'll just literally look me in the face and not

say anything. There was a bit of choreography that was similar to a YouTube video of the show, and the choreographer asked the girl to pick out who she wanted to dance with, and I said, well, I was in the YouTube video, you should pick me, and she was like, we're not doing the YouTube video. And I don't know. This whole process has just made me kind of depressed,

and I'm not wanting to come to rehearsal anymore. I feel like I don't belong and I've talked my family about it, and I know, truly inside, I have to do it for me and I just have to suck it up. But it's hard, you know, to come in every day and feel like I'm not wanted. It just makes me very sad, and I guess I just needed your very good advice on this, baby girl. Absolutely, I'm

very sorry. First of all, I want to send you peace and love, and I want to send you a fucking hug because that that ship just makes me want to hold you and bury your head and my little bosoms, you know, on my little chest. You know, you know, I got some nice little seacups. But you know, no, seriously, I really am sorry. And I also want to say I'm fucking proud of you. You have so much on your plate. You're very articulate. You you sound, oh girl, you sound so proper. I love that. I love that

you are well articulate. You carry yourself very very educated and classy. You seem very educated, and you are very educated. Listen to everything that you went down, everything that you have on your plate, it's all academic. It's all educational. I fucking love it all right. I think I heard a little kitty in the back, You got a little cat in the back, and I'd be no, no, baby, I I was gonna say, I can you be a mom?

And you got all this ship going on Jesus, So I think I'm I'm gonna go in and say that was a cat. Hopefully I made you laugh, because at that's a lot dealing with racism and not being able to shake it because you are in school, so it's not like you can just drop out or you can just not come again, and you want to get through this. Now I understand that the whole YouTube thing can be off putting in academics because it's become such a trendy thing.

Now it's become such a social like YouTube is another social platform, if you will. At first, it wasn't like that. You know, it was used like Google. It was used like it was used like a Google at first. Now it's literally another social platform. So I do understand how it can be off putting to certain professors and you know, deans and teachers or what have you. However, if that's something that you do and that you take pride, and

they should not shun you for it. The way I deal with racial issues is I do remove myself at times. I've been through so many racial issues and I faced racism and prejudice before, I have not always been able to remove myself. I went to an all white high school, predominantly white, and I endured racism there. I couldn't drop out, so that caused me to build tough skin. Nobody has ever called me a nigger to my face, shall I say? Or I never even heard it uttered from two white

pink tight as, but hole lips. I've never heard it, but not to say that. I've never been called that, but not to my face. I've never been um directly ridiculed with racial slurs in person. I did hear things were said about me before by another party or you know, whatever like that, but never direct I think this is

something that you can get through. I know it's hard to go home every day and to have to deal with that, but if you are not willing to transfer schools, then you have to create such a thickness under that melon in honey, under that skin. You have to create that armor to where anything that they say, anything that they do, you become resil and that ship needs to bounce off of you. Why because they want you to

get so fed up where you leave. They want you to get so fed up where you break down and cry. They want you to be defeated. They want you, but they cannot defeat us. They can't. That's why they hate us so bad at times that's why a lot of them, not all of them, a lot of them hate us so bad because we're resilient. We're strong. We don't crack under pressure, bitch, we don't even crack and our skin okay, we don't crack with age, we don't. We're resilient people.

Even the way that you speak, I give you the utmost respect. You're a strong black woman that reads intimidation. So you have to be able to pull yourself up and say, no, I'm not gonna take this ship. I'm not about to keep running whatever. When she said, oh no, we're not doing the YouTube thing, okay, cool. If that ain't your cup of tee, if you don't know how to operate it, that's fine. That's why I mean. If if you don't know anything about it, just say that.

But because you can do whatever they challenge you to, you can do whatever they think you can't. You understand, don't ever break down in front of them. But you go find a bathroom. I don't mean to call you a bitch. I'm so sorry, girl. You sound so nice and precious. Baby, you go find a fucking bathroom if it needs to come out of tears are about to start streaming or whatever, or go find a bathroom. I'll be damned if I let you do that in front

of him. Ever. Again, they don't deserve your tears, they don't deserve your soft heart. They don't. But you kill him with kindness until you're done with this major. That's what you do. And see how many of them come with you? See how many of them? Because God don't like ugly. I don't know if you believe in him. Again, no disrespect if you do not. But God don't like ugly. He created us for a reason, and that is the fucking shine. And you sound like you are the light

everywhere you go. So keep shining even when people try to dim you. Notice I said try, because you can try all you want. You understand, you have a heart of gold and you're beautiful. I'm looking at your picture. You are beautiful. Listen, stay resilient, endurance, that's what we got. You got me. Check back in and let me know if I need to get on the plane and come beat some white ass. I ain't. I ain't playing with it now. Let me know. I love you very very much.

And just like that, we've come to the end of another Carefully Reckless with your girl Jess hilarious a K eight Dr Jess. I've been helping y'all out left and right. Who gonna help me? I love y'all so much. Make sure you're tuned into Reckless discussions. Tonight we got London back. Y'all tune and last week was a funny episode A drunk never have I ever, but we're gonna keep him coming for y'all. Tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday,

seven am. On your way to work, on your way to the gym, wherever you are, on your way to take your babies to school, or landing in the bed. If you want to listen, make sure you tune in, and then my deepest pan boys peace lay. Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.