Welcome to Can't Flee Reckless, the production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect, and just like that, be back on the air. Welcome back to yet another Canfully Reckless episode with your Girl.
Just hilarious.
So I'm fixing mess. Fixing mess is what I do. I also do it on the Breakfast Club as.
Well on B E T. Nine Am.
Make sure y'all catch that whenever I'm there, which is more than likely almost all the time.
All Right, we're gonna jump straight in.
I'm gonna tell some stories that I got from fixing people's mess on Breakfast Club, one that I actually was pissed off about.
And it's rather quick, so I'm just gonna jump straight in with that.
So this woman calls up Ray and she has a boyfriend, okay, but she's upset because he's married.
I'm pissed off about it. My boyfriend is married, star duh.
And I know I had to do my own sound effect, but duh, someone what should I do?
So this is the thing.
She met her man in jail. Right, of course, he sold her dreams of what they were going to be when he.
Got out of jail. When he got out of jail, he went to get engaged.
To someone else, right, And not only did he get engaged, he actually jumped that broom. He got married and then went to go find the girlfriend. Right. So when she found out about the wife, she didn't leave. She tells me she mad at the wife for not holding her man down. How you not mad at your boyfriend because he's somebody else's husband, but she mad at his wife for not holding her husband down?
Who just happens to be your boyfriend?
And then another fucked up thing about it is, you're mad at this man's wife.
But he got married when he came home, he wasn't already married. So you were never first.
You were always second and was always gonna be second, and asking me what you should do. What you should do is get some fucking dignity, wake up and go find you your own fucking man. Because he's not yours, he will never be yours. You've already allowed too much. You think a man actually wants to be with someone who was okay with them cheating on their wives, or was okay with being second anyway, you think you'll ever
deserve in his eyes to be number one. These men only do to us what we allow mentally, you know what I'm saying. And then some women are not as strong minded as others. But I just couldn't understand like she had some nerve she was upset. Oh, she wouldn't hold him down, And I just felt like that's crazy, Like how could you not hold him down because he wasn't married to a yet?
Right? You was holding him down? Did you get a ring?
You have to realize who you are, what you are, what you want, what you're gonna take, what you ain't gonna take, and realize the consequences of your actions are because of what you allowed or what you did. So the consequences is you always gonna be the side bitch. I'm sorry, that's what it is. Get back to me if you can. I know she's gonna be calling up after she had a shit like I ain't tell you going there and say, Audi, well you made yourself look
dumber on a huger platform, a bigger player. She said, it's on be et, crazy ass. But I hope she gets the help that she needs because lord, she's delusional. All right, moving on, We got a voice note y'all, y'all know how I feel about these.
There we go, Hi, JA.
So before, sir, I'm just gonna give you a little background about myself before I ask you the original question that I have for you. So, I am twenty one years old, born and raised in Minnesota. I'm currently worked at three jobs. Also want to goo for nail technician. I have no kids, I am single. I have my
own car and apartment that I share with my sister. Okay, the question I have to ask you is, I don't know if anybody else is having this problem, but from my early twenties, I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I feel like I truly can't find myself. I don't know what direction I want to go in. I'm trying to find love, I'm trying to lose weight, I'm trying to achieve goals.
I just feel like I'm.
Everywhere right now, and it's to the point where it's giving me overwhelmed and depressed and drained and feeling like I'm behind in a way.
Wow.
Like, for example, when I was in school, I was way smaller than what I am now, so I've gained.
A little bit more weight.
So I just been feeling like, you know, I just don't look as prettier as everybody else. And of course I feel like social media for me, it takes a part of that. So I have took a break from that to help a little bit. Another example is with love. I'm such a freaking.
Lover girl, like I love love, but.
The relationship is just not going well for me, the dating error, all that stuff like, it's just not going well for me. Even if I want, like a little sneakily like it never works out. And then with my schooling, I've been in school for a two years trying to get my nail license because I'm just like stick. Dis harder for me to pass the quizzes and it's been taking me longer. But everybody else is an entrepreneur at my age, so I just feel like I'm just way behind all the things I need to do.
So just give me some clarity to help me. J Just thanks love.
You, heyy. First of all, I love you too.
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to open up to me about that, because you know what you do. You open up the floor for other younger females, younger women to feel like they're not alone in this, you know, because y'all generation are going through some shit too. Of course, a lot of identity crisis going on. Of course, when you have media constantly shoving in your face, you can
change who you are. You can change any part of your body now and everybody has access to these surgeons and just you know, all types of things that can help you rid of your flaws. You know, But I think it's internal for you. You did say exactly what I was going to tell you. Social media will play a big part in this and how the media constantly tries to manipulate our minds with just certain standards that
we're supposed to follow, like you know. And then influencers that I thank God for them because I started off as one, but I say their work would be a gift in accurse because they open up your eyes to seeing I can own my own business, I can own something, I can be a young black creator.
I don't have to work for nobody for the rest of my life.
I am in a position where I can run my own business. At the same time, what it does is it shows another side where it makes working a nine to five or being who you really are off.
Of social media, it looks uncool.
It makes you uncool, makes you feel that you're not enough, and I really don't agree with anybody having to feel that way. Oh man, I'm very conflicted about your situation just because I don't want you to ever feel like because you are.
You know, you consider yourself a.
Little overweight or a lot overweight, whatever, you know, whether you're obese, fat, you know, it's levels to it. But however you feel about it, you still shouldn't let that depict how you go on in your love life. And then also listening you're twenty one, you're still trying to figure out you. I wouldn't be asking for love right now. I'm not gonna say you don't know what love is.
I would never say that.
I wouldn't even say that to an eighteen year old because what love is to you maybe different for what love is to me. Love has no one fucking meaning, you know what I mean, So it goes by experience of what you feel. But I will say, you have a lot going on, so you can't focus on one thing. You know what I'm saying, You can't focus on love right now because you also told me in the same breath you're trying to figure out.
Who you are.
There's no way that you could be ready for a relationship and you don't know who you are. So what I think is that you love the idea of love. You know, you love what it looks like. You know, you love what it can be. You love all the possibilities. You love what you see visually, what looks good visually to you, and then you probably see a lot of relationship goals too, you know what I'm saying. And that's good. You took a break from social media. I actually have family members that have.
To do that.
I have friends that have to do that. I know other influencers that have to do that.
I do that.
We need breaks, you know, because you could kind of like feel like Instagram is the world and it's not, and you're constantly reminded when you exit out the ad. Damn, that's just one part. That's social media, you know what I mean. It takes over our lives and it plays a big part in our confidence, you know. So I think you should do a lot more soul searching. You probably will not be in a relationship until you hit thirty.
That don't need to scare you, that just needs some motivate you, you know, stay on your path and figure out what you're doing with your life.
Girl, You ain't got no kids.
You work three jobs and you're going to school to be a fucking nail tech and you fucking worried about some lift.
You got three jobs? Girl, how the fuck you gonna.
Spend time with? Girl?
Listen, A man is a job too. A boyfriend is a job, just like we jobs too, you know what I'm saying. So that's four jobs. Thank god. You ain't got no damn kids. But you know what men do. They give you kids.
So your little twenty one year old, but need to stay on this arrow that you're on, Stay on this path that you're on.
Don't worry so much about it. And I'm looking at your picture. You are beautiful, all right. It is only from your head to the top of your.
Get chests, but you're beautiful. You're beautiful, probably inside and out.
I don't know you. I haven't met you, but you sound really concerned about nobody loving you. Girl.
Fuck that.
You gotta love.
Yourself because when you learn how to love yourself, and I mean the railway because people hear this all the time. Oh you gotta love yourself up. People say this to people all the time, and they take it the wrong way. You gotta love yourself. You gotta love yourself, or I do love myself. Like nah, people get more defensive after hearing that than just actually listening. No, do you really know what it takes to love yourself, because that's probably
why your relationships fail. You said, you're even just a sneaky link. I'm no, you know, even if you want some dick, just sometimes sometimes maybe that's not what you need. Maybe shit fails for a reason. Start looking at it differently. That's not in your timing right now, you know what I'm saying. So yeah, like I said, just do some more searching for who you are. You know, you're at the best time right now. And then you also at the best time to lose some more weight if that's
what you want to do. Shit, if you want to lose more weight, go do that. If you feel like that's why you ain't getting no no men, lose some more and then see, and I guarantee you you'll find it wasn't even your weak It probably is your mind. It probably is the fact that you, like I said, you don't even know what you want out of a relationship. You love the idea of love but I do hope everything works out for you and you do get everything that you want in life.
Make sure you follow up and update me, keep me posted. Thank you.
If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back.
Moving on.
Last story. Oh my god, I got all the babies today. Hey Joss, I'm nineteen and I'm talking to this guy and I have intimacy issues. It's hard for me to open up. I've never been in a relationship before, so this part of intimacy is new and hard. It's hard to talk about my feelings. I had a lot of trauma, so I don't want it to change our dynamic. The guy is amazing. I don't want him to think he is a problem. My question is do you think I'm ready for a relationship or should I just continue to
explore being alone for a bit longer. By the way, you can use this for the podcast in case you want consent. Oh that's nice, Thank you. I was gonna use it anyway.
Girl.
I don't know your name, so that's good, and can't bite see your face, But no, I appreciate you for reaching out and I'm happy that A lot of a lot more younger people are reaching out because this younger generation and they are facing a lot, you know, and they're seeing a lot, and they are much more exposed to a lot of shit too than we ever were that I that I ever was at nineteen, you know, so they could really be the main ones that need some mental tending to.
You know.
It's a lot, a lot of shit that these babies are seeing.
But yeah, to get into what you have going on, you've never been in a relationship before, so you don't really know what it takes.
I understand. You got to think about it, though.
Every person on this earth has been in that situation. Everybody ain't born with boyfriends. Everybody has to have has to jump in it some type of way.
You know.
Every guy ain't born with no girlfriend. You know, everybody has to jump into us some type of way. You don't like talking about your feelings. You feel like that will hinder you from a healthy relationship. I think you need to dig deeper and figure out where that comes from. You know, doesn't have anything to do with your upbringing with people that you grew up with. You constantly seeing things because I know you said you had trauma, you know, but you didn't go into depth about the.
Trauma, and that's okay.
I'm glad that you even you know, we don't have to so obviously you know, I just don't know what the trauma is from. It could it could be something more recent, it could be deeply rooted, but that's probably, you know, more than likely where it comes from. And I understand you said, this guy is amazing, he's understanding. You don't want him to think he's the problem.
No, you don't.
You don't because then in restrospect, that's not fair to him. But no, I don't think that you're ready for a relationship. I think you should start some counseling, or you should start some therapy. It's nothing wrong with it. You see that you do have issues that you want to move past. You do see that, and that's good that you see that. A lot of people's fear of therapy is because they don't want to open up. They don't even want to go talk to somebody. But this first step for you
to come in to me, I think that's amazing. I do think that you should seek further therapy. Because I'm not a licensed professional, I can only give you good advice. Figure yourself out. Then you also still nineteen. I'm gonna tell you like I told her the last baby, girl, you're nineteen, two more years til you hit twenty one, but in my eyes, you're still a baby. I got a little sister that's nineteen, you know, and I just watching her navigate through her social life. You know, it's
way different than mine was. You know, when I was nineteen, we weren't doing something. The first of all, y'all even look already, and y'all need to look nineteen. Now, y'all starting to look like y'all already got bbls and shit.
You know what I mean.
And y'all bodies just all just full figure like that, y'all developing more, y'all just exposed to everything.
I don't know. So I do think that you just need to explore just being alone for a bit longer.
And you already knew that. You just needed to clarity, and I'm here to give it to you, girls, So keep me updated, let me know what's going on. Yeah, don't mess that man up. Girls, that's one good one obviously. Don't mess them up. Just fix yourself and go back and get them. Hold up, Hold up, I know the shit getting good. But listen to just a couple seconds
of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen. So this last mess, I'm an fix this in person and somebody actually came into the studio and you know this is I'm trying this out because in fourth season, I may bring this to video. You know, I know we have canfulte reckless audio, but for those who want to see, I may just do it. I don't know. I'm raising right now. It's gonna be my first in person mass effix, so we'll see.
Let's see.
Hey, Jazz, So I have been a long term situationship and I just need some advice on something that I really you know, have been worried about for it. And this is because of my own personal growth. So I'm in my relationship, I'm the more communicated person and the other person is a person who needs time to walk away. Right, That's the thing, like I need, I need to get some space clear my mind. And that's it's understandable, you know that people some people can't just get to the
bottom of it real quick. They need a time to see what they going through. But it's like when does it get like okay, now, this is getting played out because if you think about it, the number one answer that older people will have successful relationships say is what communication beyond? Like that's like the number one thing everybody say, because you have to find a way to really find that balance to communicate. Right, And it's like, well, thank god, both of us is not like that. I can't that's
avoid it. But one person is begging to communicating, other person's not. So then that means that it has to be more of an aggressive like exit, which is, oh, I'm gonna hang out, I'm gonna block you or some shit like that. Right, It's not like because I'm gonna be like no, I want to talk and it's like, nah, completely block you out, and you could be literally like sending messages like just talk to me. It's like, okay, it's fine, let's just get this. Like it's not that
big of a deal. And you don't hear from them, so it's like, how do you deal with that going forward?
Yeah, that's actually a really really good one because I can see how both could feel. You know, I feel like you just describe introvert versus extrovert, but in a relationship, that's not how it's supposed to be. There needs to be a willingness to come out of your show.
A little bit more and open up, like as this guy.
If I know that I'm with a person who is a bit communicator. All she does is communicate it, and I know I'm not I'm gonna try to meet her there. You know what I'm saying, Like you know, and I understand because I was even like that.
I was on both sides.
I'm on more of your side now where I am communicating more, But at first I was the same way. I guess that's why I can kind of see where he would be coming from. But I had to change that, and I was willing to change that meeting the right person. I was always aggressive and I was always just like no, yo, I don't want to talk about it. I need time because some people sometimes some people want to be mad that shit is fucked up, but some people want to be mad, they want.
To get it off. That's how some people get shit off their chests.
He's not really a mediator because has he seen that shit growing up? Has he always been that way because his parents didn't talk to him, or he just has never been in a place where he felt safe enough to open up. And I don't know your past, you know, I don't even know his past. Book, from what you're telling me, you kind of had a different upbringing than he did.
I don't know whether that that's household wise.
Parent schooling, different groups of friends, you know, because anything can define who you are as an adult.
It don't have to always be how you was raised. It could be you raise yourself, you know what I mean.
It could be different people, different people that you met on your journey to becoming an adult and how they prophesied to you, or seeing this person come from this walk of life, so like it's just figuring out a person is this way you want to be? And you said, y'all been in a relationship for a long time. Y'all not together now, but y'all were in a long term relationship. Is this a place where you see yourself going back to or do you not?
Are you conflicted at times? Because that can make you be with a person. I don't want to be with him this time, but I didn't.
I do want to be with him, though, But when he does something to make you mad, goes out the window, and then he comes around and y'all talk about it, and then now you want to be with him again?
Is that?
How do you know you want to move forward with this person? Do you see a future with this person?
And I'm gaining more self worth, I don't because, like you said, when you just respond to back, it's like you move differently now because of this love that you don't want to miss out on it. So I'm at a place where it's like I'm gonna have to be okay with realizing that maybe I can't bring that out of him mm hm. And and that hurts right, like that this man don't love me enough to be like I want to work it's out with her. I want
to talk to her. So I'm at a place now I know my worth, like yes, I do have my shit right, like I know. And even though in my communication, like you you know, I sometimes I can talk around to get to a point because I wanted us to get to a page without letting somebody go through it, right, And I'm learning that and I'm more than help. That's why I was like, you gotta walk away. I get it. But it's the extra shit hang out answering like it's it's it's it creates too much of a like I get,
I be hurt. I don't even I've heard like yo, this person. Now, I'm not gonna talk to them for days now, i gotta be left here just like yeah, until when they calmed down, like a few days later, and I'm just like over it.
You know, that shit is not fair. Like I said, I used to do that.
I used to do that to people, and that shit is not fair because it now it leaves the person wondering whether or not you do actually really love them, like or do you even respect me?
Because that's when things getting disrespectful.
It's the difference between an extrovert and just shutting down versus the disrespect.
You don't have to hang up, you don't have to block me, you don't have to not talk to me for days.
What are you trying to prove a point? Because that's what it comes to. Now, you're trying to prove a point. And then that's the manipulative too, because those type of people always know what to do to get back and your good graces. Like they're selfish in a way, you know, and sometimes subconsciously selfish, and those people don't like to be told about themselves. I was selfish. I never like
to be told about myself. I didn't want to be in control, but I just wanted things to go my way and people to see shit my way all the time. And shit ain't gonna be like that, not in the real world, not in your household, not at your job, not with your friends, because everybody thinks differently. Communication really is a big factor with love. Sometimes you can love a motherfucker, but you feel empty because you don't feel like you're being loved. If you don't hear me, you
don't give me an opportunity to be heard. You're not listening. You don't want to listen, so you don't even want to find out what the problem is, and then you don't want to fix it.
And this is another note, they really really is a struggle for me because it's abuse. Yeah, Like you know how like if your maybe parent spanks you, right and they could have been wrong for it because they was doing out of anger. Then they come back I'm so sorry, Or somebody who's dating who's going through abuse, it's like, baby, next time, I'm gonna do it. It's literally that because
you're coming back saying you're not even coming back. Apology you just come like, hey, and I'm over here, like literally was hurt, Like I'm not over here, may like a bitch is hurt crying about it, and it's because it's like I actually like care about you and you're leaving me hanging right all because what you you just don't want to talk about it at all. You know, it should be small. Even if it was big, it's still okay to talk about it.
Like, you know, do you think that he would need any benefited with from any type of therapy?
Yes? Absolutely, and I recommend it all the time. What was his answer to it cost money? Oh?
Why? But there are a certain therapists you know, therapy y'all, lets that just take insurance some of them don't cause.
And explain that to him and he was like, oh, you know, he was into it.
He was into it, so he did okay, okay, So when you did explain it, he did like agree, like all right, well I might.
Look into it now.
Is that something that do you feel like he needs individually or do y'all want that something that you would be open to doing with him?
Naw.
You need to like seek your own inner piece. And that's why I'm getting so a point where my self worth that I'm like, no, oh, like I can have him. But now it's away to me that a man will
actually talk to me. So in my next relationship, I'm gonna anticipate him being like, I'm gonna I feel I'm gonna pull back on my communication because I think he's gonna be like, nah, I you know, I don't really want to talk about it, instead of me being like insaid of him being like, let's let's talk about it, like I'm be happy about it, but it's gonna be hard like going into it because I'm gonna think they're like, it's just gonna create some type of conflict.
Yeah.
So then that's you being scarred, like like subconsciously, like you're scarred from that, and that could also build in securities for the next man from you. You know, you can also project onto other people what you've been through in your last relationship. So do you feel like you need to heal in this before you even you know, well, are you even trying to date?
First of all, I'm just waiting on go as time and I'm not looking no more. I'm not even looking for him, you know, I just I just want to whatever is meant for me and my energy. That's why I'm trying to change my energy around to match. If you're not mentioning, then I'm gonna have to, you know, but not even as friends at this point, because friends don't treat each other that way, all right, yep, And.
That is what defines a foundation in a relationship to actually being that person's friend, because it gets very, very toxic when you're in a relationship with somebody and y'all get mad at each other and you feel like y'all broke up. You feel like he don't love you when he mad at you, when you feel like she don't love you when she mad at you. It should never be that way because friends don't do each other like
now friends plus friends fight. Friends supposed to get that good if you go into it just straight intimacy, you skip all that building foundation and all that shit. It's never gonna work because you're supposed to know somebody deeper than what you can see. Like it's like, I know what I want to say, but you know, y'all, y'all listeners like bed with me, you know, if you can see through all the fucking like intimacy and what's on outside.
He looks sexy and he's and and oh she can cook, and and oh he got his own this, that and the other. And if you strip down all that shit, y'all didn't have anything together like and y'all go through shit together and ship, then that that's what makes your friend, you know, like being able to withstand trials and shit together and obstacles together and being are when one lax like pick up that slag and shit like that. So
that's what I feel like. No, everything you said was was real about the whole friendship thing, and it's.
Top of all of you know, which is the end of it all is you would think that all of that meant something when you do have these moments trip relationship and in this situation, it's given very much, it
does it. We built this friendship up, like your friendship is way more of a priority to me than a relationship, right, but you know this, right, so you know that this is a big thing for me, and you still like, so all we went through his friends and still don't make it enough of you want to talk to you because you should be. If I'm your friend, you're my friend. She'd be like, shit, No, I don't want us to
be beefing, right, So that so that's it. That's the part of it all is it goes back to like, really, he doesn't love me the way I love him right.
Right, and he's still stuck in that relationship part of it that you know, like because even I think that's still even bigger you to be like, all right, look, we just need to be friends, all right, Like I want to focus on the friends. And then like so, ladies, look she's still even trying to find a way to well she was, you know, was trying to even still find a way to make it comfortable for him.
Do you see how we.
Like sometimes indirectly bend over backwards for these men, you know, and we still don't get the credit.
We still don't get flowers, We still don't get.
Even acknowledgment at times like yo, I'm trying to figure this shit out for you.
I know how to fucking communicate, I know.
And we've been friends for the past what ten plus is five plushy is whatever, and we we we've been together. You know, it's just like fuck, you would think you had some type of respect for me or some type of like loyalty to the point where it's like you'll know, or it is because we came up like we you know, we've been through shit together, so I feel you some
bonds are supposed to be unbreakable. But like you said, ultimately it's you loving him more than he loves you, or him not being able to even love you like you should be loved, or how you love him. And that's just the short end of the stick that us women has. We have to bear with that sometimes, or we fucking don't. We move on, but then you're still mentally held captive to a person who manipulates you into never letting them go, you know what I mean, in some type of weird way.
I'm gonna keep this leash on it.
Not because they just want to torture you, because they really fucking want you to. They just don't know how. They don't know, they don't know how to say it, they don't know how to show it, but they know what they want to expect for you to read their fucking mind, you know what I mean, Expect for that, But no, we want to be coddled. We want to be fucking pampered at times. I want you to read my fucking mind at times, I want you to say, all right, yo, you ain't going away till we talk
about this. I want you to initiate that fucking communication all the time, because then it's gonna feel like I wear the fucking pants all the time. I shouldn't have to wear the pants. I want a man to lead, that's what you want. You want a man to lead you, and you talk about it. You're on your spiritual journey and you talk about that. You know you want somebody else spiritual too. You want to want your man to be like, Noah, we ain't leaving up the house until
we pray together. Where you going that day? You know, you know we pull off. You know you want that and you're gonna get that. You can get that. You know something make us feel like it's impossible, it's not, you know. So I want you to check back into We come to the end of another carefully workless episode with your girl Jess Hilarious. I'm fixing mess not only on the Black Effect Network, but on be Et as well. Check me out on Breakfast Club. I love you, guys, I'll see you next week.
Peace as name a name