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and moved on up some more. Now I got my own on a state that I own. I'm not paying rent anymore. I own in the state. Now, I keep on saying the state, because that's what it is. I kept saying house. And then my realtor, who's black as well, it was like, this is not a house, baby, this is in a state. This is a mansion. You just closed on a mansion, So don't keep on reducing a residence to a house. And I love the fact that she bought that to my realization, you know, So let's

dive right in. I'm back to fixing y'all mess. Now. I told y'all that y'all can submit y'all stories or y'all experiences, or anything that you feel that you need advice on in my d MS. Not the jest hilarious underscore official d M, but the carefully reckless d MS. Y'all can even submit them to reckless Discussions d m s, but not just hilarious, because I get so many that I don't even check them anymore. So we're gonna dive

right in. The names are anonymous. Here we go. My baby daddy and I have been together since two thousand sixteen, first baby in and second baby in twenty nineteen. So when we got together, we both started the same place in life, no job, no car, living in a dorm. As time went on, I've always been the breadwinner. I got my medical assistant certification. I've had three apartments in three cars, and he has still been in the same place as when we started, and from the outside looking in,

it's like I was taking care of him now. We never agree that he would be a stay at home dad, so of course it caused conflict between us over the years. I begged for him to get a job. I've tried gentle and tough love, but it gets stressful, pain for everything, going to work, coming home and then got to cook, clean and care for the girls and still fun. Oh. So I say all this to ask you, do you believe if a man wanted to leave, protect and provide for his family he would? Or is it something that's

learned over time? Wow? Okay, so there are a few things I want to break down from the story. Actually, I don't even have to break anything down, baby, you gave me everything from beginning two now. So okay, do I believe if a man wanted to lead, to protect and provide for his family he would? Yes, if he wanted to. I think that you've made him very comfortable

over the years. Like you said, you tried tough love, you tried soft love, you tried to embrace him, and you tried to be assertive with him as well, and none of that worked in every situation. This is not something that just happens over time. This person probably never had work ethic because you said, y'all started like that, but you flourished, you evolved, you grew, you worked, you had babies. You never stopped working. Your only exceeding. You've

always been the breadwinner. You have certifications. Maybe you went to school for this ship, and he's still the same place that he was when y'all first got together. Maybe there was no drive from the beginning. You just didn't see it because y'all both were starting out in the same place. Now, while women are more mature than men, yes we do. We we mature faster in most cases, I do want to say a lot of men still do flourish. They do grow into being ambitious. They do

pick up on motivation and things that inspire them. Some of them do get up off. They ask and change the way that they're living if they don't like the way they're living. But that's the thing. He doesn't seem to have a problem with how he is because he has you. He has to see that it's a problem for him to want to change. Nobody's gonna change for someone else if they don't even want to change for themselves. I mean, you can put on the front, you can

be phony, you can fake it, but that's temporary. He has no ambition, he has no real work ethic. He has nothing to work for because you give it all to him. He's basically a stay at home dad. You cook, you clean, you work, you come home, you're tired. And he still doesn't even have dinner on the fucking table for you. You're doing this, you are superwoman of your household, and he literally is giving me villain because he's not

helping you. He's leeching. And although he is the father to your three girls, he's also not teaching them what a man should do in a relationship, either you have three girls, whether you have three boys. He's not setting good examples for his children, for his girls. So who the hell do they have to compare men to when they grow up? Because me, growing up, I had the best father in the world. I still have the best father in the world, but my childhood spotless. My father

was a great damn dad. So that was my initial example of a real man. Now I can't say that I always picked good men, but I grew up with the structure of knowing what a real man should do and how he provides and how him and my mom was given take everything was helping each other. Not to answer your second question, or is it something that's learned over time? Now it can be learned. Men can be taught just like women can be taught. People can be taught,

but they have to want to learn. They have to be willing to be receptive of the lesson that's being taught, everything going on around them. You've made it completely comfortable for him, so he feels like he doesn't have to work. I was in a relationship like that as well. Thank god I didn't have any children about this man. But he was ambitious when I met him, and then he just got comfortable because he knew I was blowing up

and he knew I could cover everything. And he still expects for you to do all these duties and still have sex with him when he wants to. You have to put your foot down and you gotta put that motherfucker out. I'm so sorry. He is not your husband. He is just your baby daddy, and he can still be a parent to your kids outside of your house.

Understand that co parenting is very important and it is possible because me and my son's father do it, and we've been doing it for seven years effectively with no no problems, not even one problem. Seventy years because the first three is was low, rough, low, rocky and rough. But for seven years straight and going forward, Rome and I have been able to co parent. I think that's what you should do. I don't feel like you're happy, and if you're not happy, you should not be miserable

just to keep your family together. Because they don't even sound like he's gonna marry you. It doesn't even sound like he can afford a ring to propose, So what you're gonna buy it yourself and he's gonna reimburse you. No, you got three girls to raise and you need to teach them that's not how they want to end up. And you need to teach them what a strong woman is and that is you. Because baby, truthfully, you can

do battle by yourself. So I think you should communicate that with him, and you should put yourself first for the first time. Put yourself first. If you love me, you'll listen to this commercial and then we'll be right back. Okay, moving on, Hey Jess, First off, I love and appreciate what you do. You are a true gift to earth from the Lord. Keep grinding and spreading your wisdom. Thank you, baby. So here's the dilemma. I am twenty eight years old with an eight month old baby. I am no longer

with my baby's father and haven't been for my entire pregnancy. Therefore, he is completely out of the picture for me romantically, I haven't dated or talked to any one since the day I found out I was pregnant. I've been keeping to myself and really trying to heal and grow so that I do not make the same mistakes in my past. I now know what I want from a man. My main focus is obviously on my child and stabilizing our future. I recently reconnected with my ex from high school. He

was my first love. Throughout the last ten years, we have been on and off. The first time we broke up was due to the distance in college, and every other time after that was due to not being on the same page and being in different places in our lives. I found myself always going back to him because we have extremely great chemistry. He's a genuinely good man, and

we never leave off on a bad note. Because I have a child, If I were to get back involved with him, I would definitely want to start off as friends first, so that I can solely focus on reason my child as a single mom. Should I let the past stay in the past, or should I see how we can maintain as friends then potentially something more again. So baby, First off, I'm not going to tell you that you should leave the past in the past, because you know, there's a saying don't quote me on it, honey,

but you're gonna get what I'm saying. It says something like this, if you love something enough, you'll let it go and if it comes back to you, that's how you know. Okay, So you said y'all never left off on a bad note, and y'all always have good chemistry. It's like great, Maybe y'all are meant to be friends. Maybe y'all are meant to be together down the line.

But like you said, I'm so happy that your child is your sole focused Like that is what you're supposed to be focused on right now, a stable future for you and your baby. But Mama gotta have funny. You want a love life and you should be able to have one now. I don't know if you're telling me everything, because I feel that you should start off as friends and see where you all can go with it. But I'm trying to figure out what exactly would be holding

you back. I know that you mentioned that you two seem to always be in two different places in your lives. When you guys come act around or you know, reconcile or start your dealings again. But what really keeps you from committing to him? What really keeps him from committing to you? Because no one's going to be perfect. It seems that you two know each other and have known each other for a while for years, that's your ex.

Now people grow, so maybe I'll have to get to know each other again because you don't win and have a baby out of or if he has any kids or whatever. But it seems like you love him, and it seems like this is something that you want, but you're hesitant. It's something that you're not telling me, or it's something that you're hesitant about, and now you don't have to share it if you don't want. But as long as it doesn't do any harm to you or your baby, I feel that you should proceed. You should.

Is he okay with you having a child a newborn? Maybe he feels like you are always the one that got away, So maybe there's tension and maybe there's an awkwardness there because you have a baby, but it's not by him. But you guys keep on crossing paths in life. I honestly feel like if it's nothing that you're not telling me, and I'm just overthinking it. I'm thinking also another reason that you probably are won't commit to him

is that you're you're scared. You're probably scared, and that's okay because you don't want to make the same mistake, which I don't fully blame you, although you have to be careful who you procreate with. But sometimes people don't give you the real of them until some ship like this happens, until I have a baby, like that's an issue for some guys, it'd be like that, But I think take it slow, see what he wants, talk about your differences, talk about why y'all really never really really

stuck with each other. Gets at the bottom of why you guys never really became a couple. Get to the bottom of that, and then you guys can go from there, because whatever it is, it could be deeply rooted. But I don't really think if you guys didn't want to be with each other, you guys wouldn't keep crossing paths and you wouldn't be writing me about this right now. So just take your time and give him a chance.

And congratulations on your baby girl. Hold up, Hold up, I know the ship getting good, but listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen. Okay, last one because y'all giving me some long ones today and that's totally fine. I love it. Hey, Joss, I've been listening to your podcast for over a month now and I absolutely love it. I don't know what the odds of you reading this are, but I need some advice on this. So around April I met this

guy and we've been talking ever since. His only problem is he is not a good Texter, so that's your problem with him, Okay, However, his vibe is completely different in person. Now, we've been kind of avoiding the dreaded I like you, you like me. Let's be a thing topic, even though his friends and my friends say it's obvious we like each other. During one of our conversations, too, he said that because of what his ex did, he's not interested in a relationship. But I'm just like, so,

why did you even start all this. We're on summer break now and I traveled out the country for that occasion. He was still dry as funk over text, despite how many I sent. Sometimes he wouldn't even answer, so when I finally asked him if I was bothering him. He said no, he just doesn't talk to people like that. So I stopped putting an effort if he wasn't going

to reciprocate it. But I know we're going to have to face each other come the fall and the semester starts back up because we have the same group of friends. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt or say it was fun while it lasted. But I don't know if this is going to work out. Because we do feel for each other. I can see that too, but it's frustrating. Okay, I don't know how old you are. I don't know how old this gentleman is. But apparently

he's damaged, so he has baggage. And then he hasn't let go yet, and he doesn't seem like he's interested in letting it go because he won't even allow himself to like you or to start to want to love you or love again period. And sometimes that's a real thing. We don't know what she did to him. We don't know the severity of the pain that was caused, the severity of his heartbreak. We don't know just what they

went through. Now I'm not saying you don't know, but you didn't tell me, and that's that's totally fine as well. While I'm never a big fan or in a quick fast, in a hurry to tell someone to give up, because you can clearly see what I was going through on v H one every Monday night at nine pm with Daniel on Couples Retreat. You can clearly look at that and see that that wasn't easy for me, actually having to expose a vulnerable part of myself. Nobody really sees

Jessica more like that. You know, all y'all see is just hilarious. But I do have a heart. I'm very feminine, I'm very soft, and I do love and I love to love, and more than that, I love being loved. So that was kind of hard. He kind of sounds like Daniel was at first in our earliest stages of dating. So I never want to tell you give up, because

I didn't give up on Daniel. However, I did break up with them, and then you know, we had reconciled and just helping him work through something, and he helped me work through some things, and I realized it's a real thing. There are men out here. That's scarred from previous relationships, or from childhood, or from places that they don't even know. A lot of that ship, honestly, could be hereditary. A lot of men let ship get in their way because they're scared to open up. They're scared

to express. I feel like he's scared to express to you how he feels about you. Now, if he's as cold as you say he is, how do you even know that he feels for you? Because you said at the end and throughout, because we do feel for each other, and I can see that too. You know, how does he show it? You said he's a vibe in person, it's different when he's around you. And if you guys have the same friends, kind of ask them or does he act like this when he's around da da Have

y'all ever seen him with in another relationship? Or how was he? But you know, if y'all have friends, go to your friends and see, you know, like, what is it me? Or does he always act like this? Or And if they can't tell you anything, you know, you conduct your own research. Sat down with his ass and you can just sell them. Listen, I know that you're a vibe in person, and while I don't want to

give up on you. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this treatment because I didn't do anything for this. Your question is totally right. Why would you start something with me and you turn around and say, well, I don't want a relationship now? If he told you that from the jump, then this would be your fault because he was completely honest. Right. But I know us as women can really think in our minds that we can change someone, not knowing that we can't change someone. We

can help people evolve, but we can't change people. People don't change people. People change themselves with urges and with a push, and sometimes they're just ready. They get so fed up with how they are they get so ready to want to come up out of it. So they change themselves for themselves. So I really want you to pay attention to that him not being able to reciprocate every emotion that you're feeling. Also, you have to take into consideration not everybody moves at the same pace. So

how long ago was he in this relationship? Like? Are you a rebound? I'm not trying to disrespect you. I really just want to be carefully reckless with you because this is the reality of the ship. You could have been a rebound. He could have been using you to get over someone. Or maybe not, Maybe this is just how he is. How much are you willing to put

up with? How much? Because you may miss him, You may be like, on, I'm fed up, and then at night, you know, because you're only used to texting him and being around him or whatever, because you want something with him, you may change your mind and be like, Okay, no, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. So it's a lot of back and forth. But how much are you willing to take? Just sit down with him, I have a conversation. He still gives you the same thing. Baby, get up,

get out. That's it, And that's what I want you, ladies to understand. You are enough. You are enough and you always will be. So don't let these things set you back in your love life and in your personal life, because love can actually pull and tug on your strings. It can actually send you into depression. It can like, seriously, love, it's great when it's great, but love hurts as well,

you know. So you gotta just be careful what you let in and uh what you're receptive of and how you interpret love for you and just like that, we're gonna end this episode on this note. That was three great stories. Y'all. Tune in next week to Carefully Reckless Every Wednesday. I love you guys so much. Also tuned into Reckless Discussions, brand new episode dropping at seven pm tonight, and then my deepest Pam Voice peace. Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect.

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