And We're Back!

got a really really good episode for y'all today. Between filming, between traveling in between shooting Reckless discussions and switching from this agent to this agent and then all good problems. But I've been super duper busy, and I'm sorry for the abandonment. I'm so sorry for the abandonment. All right, but I'm back, y'all. We're gonna jump right in. I'm fixing mess. Here we go. So just me and this guy. We dated for a year and a half on and off, and last year when we dated, we left off on

really bad terms. I started to notice a lot of red ass about him towards the end of the relationship, and um, it got so messy that he broke my back car window and well shattered it. I didn't have a window back there, so he shattered it and he tried to break in my apartment, so it got so messy. We end up going our separate ways, did not speak to each other for five months, and throughout those whole five months, I was feeling hurt. I missed him. You know.

It would be times where, you know, I would dream about him, you know, and I'm like, why am I missing this guy when he put me through this bullshit. Let's fast forward to May of this year. We're gonna call him See. So she ends up reaching out to me on Instagram and we end up reconnecting and becoming good friends. Now, in the beginning, I was very hesitant, and I have my guard up all the way, and I know that he noticed that because he would always

bring that up. But while me and see You were working on a friendship, I also had another guy friend on the side that I had been speaking to for three months. Let's call him BE. So we're gonna call him Be. She knew about B. She knew that, you know, I was talking to BE or I had a guy friend on the side, So I made that clear from the beginning so he won't think, you know, hey, I'm trying to get back with you. So eventually she got tired of it. He got tired of me seeing this

other guy. He didn't like the fact that, you know, I was seeing another person. You know, he didn't like that. So he decided to tell me one day, guy, I don't care what you say, I'm gonna have you again. And I laughed it off. I was like, boy, you crazy. Whatever, those days are over. So eventually she started to do things for me romantically, started doing things he didn't do before when we dated, and I'm like, oh my god, he really changed, Like this guy really wants me, he

really cares about me. And then my feelings started to get really stronger and I couldn't help myself at that point. So eventually things that I would find attractive about Be started to become very annoying to me or very irritating, like things that he would do, And I thought to myself, I told myself, I need to come to a conclusion. I need to tell BE about C because this is

where my heart lies. It lies with C. And you know, it did hurt me to let him know, but he was very understanding because he had been in that situation before, so he was a good friend about that. Eventually, me and Ce end up becoming a couple again, me and c. His relationship started to become really good. You know. I started to hang around his family more. He has a two year old daughter. I started to see her more. You know. He started to open up to me more.

You know, he even spoke to me about, you know, having a family with me, and he showed me things that he didn't show me before when we were together last year. So I felt like this was real, you know, and I started to fall deeply in love with this man. And that's when the red flag started to show. He started becoming possessive and controlling. It was getting out of hand, and I felt like he started to test me at times to see how I would react to certain situations.

Over time, the red flag started to get worse, you know, way worse than last year. Things got abusive. It's like he would be a narcissist, but he would try to be there for me at the same time, you know. And it was confusing because it was a roller coaster. One minute, he wants to motivate me, you know, he makes me feel like I'm the world. Then the next minute he puts me down and tossed his ship about me, and cheat told me and abuses me, And it was

a roller coaster. I did not know what to do because I was so deeply in love with this man, like I was everywhere. I was a mess. Just I started to have so much hope in our relationship and for this man that I even you know, I would pray every day for our relationship to heal and for him to become a better man. And I even went as far as speaking to a psychic about our relationship to see where our love lies with each other and to see what the future holds between us, you know.

And I had to come to a conclusion, Kay, you need to let this go. You need to let it go. He has to change his own You cannot change a man no matter what you do, no matter how good you treat him, He's still going to act up unless he wants to change for himself. So eventually I got sick and tired of the bullshit. I got tired of the cheating, the abusive ways, the line. I wanted to give up on the relationship, even though um I still

had my hope in him. I wanted to see him get better as a man before I could be with him any longer. So I did what I had to do, you know, I left the relationship, and of course that caused problems. Of course, he did not like that, he did not want that, he did not want to accept that. So he started to get out of line and he tried to be abusive with me once again. Tried to hit me, tried to dog down on me, tried to say the most coolest thing said you could ever think

of somebody saying to you. I don't even want to say it because it's so disturbing, but he would not let me leave. It got so bad that when I tried to leave and he noticed, he tried to fake an overdose. He had um bought some xanax and he wanted attention. He wanted to manipulate me, and he called the ambulance to come pick him up and was trying to say, oh, I'm gonna overdose, and it was so wrong. I'm like, you're so sick, you don't even know. And when I had the chance to leave this man, I

ran and I never looked back. I never looked back. And I will say he reached out to me about five times since then, and I never reached back out to him. I blocked him on everything, and yes I did contact the police after all of this happened. I did contact the police, but I have to wake up out of a trance. I had to wake up and tell myself, Kyle, you deserve better. No woman should ever go through this ever, and I just had to wake up.

But being the caring person that I am, no matter if you hurt me, I will still want better for you. And I guess since I've gotten older, I became more forgiving of people. And no matter how hard I tried to be cold hearted towards him, I can't seem to have that heart towards him. I still want him to get better for himself, and I hate that about myself.

And yet I'm still traumatized a little bit after the situation because now that I'm mingling with people, it's like they see my self worth and my potential more than I see my own potential and self worth because of the situation that I was in, and it's gonna get better. I'm gonna make that better because now I know not to let a man determine my value myself worth. I will never make that mistake again. I'm so happy that

I'm out of that situation. I'm so glad that I can move forward with my life and I hope he gets better. But until then, I'm focused on me healing me. I'm not looking forward to another relationship because I feel like I'm not ready for it at all. Okay, all right, so that was a pretty long one. But what I love about your story, guy, is you know you don't need any advice. I have just a little bit for you, but you don't. You got out of there. Listen, this

story is far too common. It's way too common, meaning it happens a lot more than we think. You are not the only one that has gone through that. You are not the only one that's still traumatized by a narcissist ex boyfriend. You were with him for a year, then you took a break, you started talking to someone else. You told him that you started talking to someone else. He couldn't handle it, so he found a way to get back in. That's what narcissists do. They're very methodical.

His method was to show I'm gonna show her everything that she's wanted me to do. I can do it everything that she glorifies in the man I'm gonna do that I'm gonna treat her the best. I'm going to build her up, and as time goes on, they still will show who they are, because one thing a narcissist will do is paint a perfect picture. That's manipulation. They'll paint the perfect picture right, and they'll act right for a while, but then they will soon reveal who they

really are. And if someone is showing you who they are, you have to believe them. You cannot think that you can ever change someone. You can help someone evolve, but you cannot change anyone. It's up to them. He's very systematic on how he did it. Narcissists they create these systems, these ways that they can manipulate people, you know, women, female or whatever to get whatever they want. And he

got you back. That's what he wanted. He wanted to have you back, especially after you told him you wanted someone else. That was a recipe for a disaster. In his eyes, He's like, oh, hell no, nobody's ever gonna treat her like I treat her, So let me give her a better version of myself to lure her back in.

And I'm not gonna do anything but build her up and tell her to funk back down, because it won't be long until I show these flags again, before I show these signs again, before I fucking put my hands on her, before he's obsessed with you. He wants to control you. You left the other guy alone because all you wanted was for that one person to act right, and that's what he showed with you. This pattern is all so calmon. This pattern happens too. Maybe don't quote me,

but maybe to what eight out of ten women? This is how it always happens. Women do this to men as well. You don't really need much advice. Only thing you need now moving forward is motivation and self love, and honestly, therapy would help you. Even in your tone when you're talking to me, when you sent in the voice notes and I'm hearing you, you sound like you're crying. You sound like this is still extremely hard for you to even talk about. You understand what I'm saying. So

it has affected you and it's still affecting you. And I'm glad that you even came clean and said that. You know, I'm still traumatized. I notice when I mingle now people see more potential in me than I've even seen it myself. Yes, because you let this man break you down. You let this man pull you down and make you hit rock bottom, and it's like it's only one way but up. And I absolutely love the transparency. I love it that nigga need help himself. That guy

needs counseling. He needs to see a therapist. He needs to be in jail a little bit. You know, you asked me, he needs to be away from the motherfucking public. You're faking overdoses and ship and all of that, Like that's that's too much. But that's something in his own mind. It trust me, it's not you. It has nothing to do with you, because he would do it to someone else as well. I feel like his issues are abandonment.

I don't know what his childhood was like. Did you get to know that a lot of our childhood is what makes us, what helps us evolve into who we are today. Not in every case, but most of the time it is. Your childhood has an effect on you for the rest of your life, whether it be a good or bad childhood, whether it was so so, whether you were poor, whether you were beaten, whether you know whatever. I feel that he has a serious issue with abandonment.

He didn't want you to leave. He would fake overdose all that ship. He didn't want you to get out of there on him. You know. It just seems like he had to have you with him, and while you were with him, he had to control you as well. It's sad, but it's a very common thing. Yes, I hope that he actually moved on to get help. I need you to not even miss him. I don't care what they say, girl, not even miss him. Now. You said you left and you didn't look back, and you ran,

you got the help out of there. But you did that a year ago as well, So we don't want to step and repeat, you know, we don't want a new cycle of that. Because he knows you, he knows what to say to get under your skin. He knows, he knows. But the only way to let someone break you down is if you give them everything to like. You give them all the key to your heart, your life, your mind. And you gave him all that before. Don't make that mistake again because you're now in a stage

where you're trying to learn your self worth. Don't go backwards. Check in with me, babe. I appreciate you. Hold up, Hold up, I know the ship getting good. But listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial. If you love me, you'll listen. Okay, next, Hey, Jess, I am back to get some more of your advice. This is a totally new situation and I just love the advice that you give. You keep it really, keep it a hunted. So yeah, basically, I work with a man

that is he's forty three years old. I'm twenty eight years old. We don't see each other that often while working. We're kind of like in two different departments, but whenever we pass each other, we always say hi or have like a brief conversation. I've always kind of felt like a small chemistry, but it was never anything deep or anything, so I never even like paid it any mind. I've always was like attracted to him. But yeah, so this past Friday, he and I were able to have a

longer conversation. I found out that he has three kids, one eighteen and fourteen. And he asked me, like my age, and then he mentioned like, oh yeah, woman mature faster. He asked me, like, what do I like to do around the city. He asked me if I was still with my child's father. He mentioned like he, you know, has a relationship with God. Yeah. So it was a longer conversation, but not anything too deep. He did not have a ring on his finger, and so I assume

that he's single. However, moving forward, basically, he asked if I had his number and I said I did from a previous situation of an encounter with him. And then later on that day he texted me he said, I really enjoy speaking with you. I replied I enjoy speaking with you too. He then texas, hopefully we can chat some more sometime soon. At that point, I didn't really know which way to go, so I ended up asking a friend like, what do you think I should stay back?

You know, I'm kind of a little dusty in the game. But basically my friend was like, go ahead and like put the ball in his court, say you know, we can chat this weekend or whatever. So I ended up texting, we can chat this weekend if you're free. He did not reply after that, and he also did not hit me up all weekend. So my question is, do you think that's a red flag? Is it too soon to assume anything, because honestly, my mind goes straight to, oh, he has somebody at home. This is why he hasn't

texted me yet. Mind you, I'm probably going to see him tomorrow. So am I going to keep it cordial and just give it a quick hi and buy? Or am I bringing this up? Like? Yo, what's up? Why don't you texting me this weekend? You know? Communication is key? Right? Or is it not even worth it? Yes? Let me know, Jess, just let me know. I don't know. I feel like I'm a little dusty when it comes to this whole

dating scene. So this is why we have you, hey girl, Yes you you already know what I'm gonna say is don't say you're a little dusty girl. If it's any time to be dusty and dating, it's right now because these nigga ain't ship neither all these women, so um um, let me let me be professional. Um now. No, it all depends on what you want. It depends on exactly what you want. Do you want to date? Are you looking for something serious? Do you want just a partner,

a sexual partner? Do you want someone that you just want to go to the movies with, bullshit with? Do you want someone just to be in communication with, just to hold your attention long? Enough to you figure out what it actually is that you do want. You know, because it's okay to not know exactly what you want. What makes it not okay is when you demand something from somebody else not even knowing what you want. You know, that's the difference. I've made these mistakes plenty of times

and my life time. You know, I'll have a list of demands. You know, as a woman, you know, we do it all the time. You know, I'm not a man. I can't speak for them. I'm sure it's a humanistic thing, but I've done it, you know, I've had my list of demands, like, oh, this guy need to have this and didn't need to have this. You need to know what you want. I want this, I want this way, and I don't even know what I want. You may think you want to be in love. That's a whole

another ballgame. People are not ready for. You're not ready for the downs of love. You're ready for the ups of love. But love ain't always fun, Love is not always kind. There are trials and tribulations with anything, So are you ready for that? At first you have to ask yourself that question, what do I want? And then you work with him, So you have to kind of tread a little lightly because I know that you know you know what I'm about to say that no fraternization

policies and all that type of ship. Not even only that in a legal sense, I mean just personally, say you're dealing with somebody that you're working with. You see this man every day at work. Obviously, say if it don't go right, you will still see this man every day. So when it comes to relationship, ships and matters of the heart with people that you work with, it's very easy to complicate things when you work with a person. But that's not me telling you you should not date him. Now,

I think you should say something about it. Yes can. Communication is key and I preached this every single week and carefully reckless as well as reckless discussions. Communication is key, like in any situation, whether it be friendship, family ship, relationship, from child to parents, from boss to staff, colleague to colleague, whatever. Communication is everything, from preacher to the people sitting in the views. Everything starts with communication, from doctor to patient.

If you get what I'm saying, everything, So I think you should be honest and telling how you felt. I don't think it's too early to ask questions. I really don't because mostly how it starts is how it ends. You know what I'm saying. If you think he's hiding the fact that he has a wife or a girlfriend or dating or anything, I think you should just be upfront with him. And I think that looks like this, Hey, I text you um Friday. I didn't get a text

from you all weekend. I had some free time. If you wanted to go get some meat or something, If you just in case, you wanted to see me outside of work, do you have a girlfriend or something that I should be worried about or something like that, you could ask just like that. It can be very casual. It could be you know, very reserved. You know you don't have to so what you got bitch alum or you know you don't have to be that way unless

that's your personality and he knows that, you know. But I think it's just a simple question and you're gonna receive a simple answer. Now, however you feel about his response, whether that be a lie or the truth, that's how you make your decision on moving forward. But no, I think the first thing is just first put into perspective what it looks like that you want, like, what do

you want? You know? And then but I think whether you want to be with this thing or not, whether you want to talk to this man or not, I think that you should still ask him about going the whole weekend without talking to you, because it sounds like that to me too. It sounds like he got somebody out and he just wants to have a little work fling, you know, because you see you every day and you probably be looking good, you know what I'm saying, And I think that's what it is. Yes, yes, And the

fact that he told you, oh, women mature faster than men. Okay, that's a disclaimer for something. Sorry, what then are you trying to tell me? Huh huh okay, because usually it's a woman saying that to you, not a man. So check back in with me, beautiful. I thank you so much for reaching out again. You got um advice for me before with something, and I want to say thank you. And as many times as you need me, definitely come back.

It does not matter. And just like that, we've come to the end of another carefully reckless episode with your girl. Just hilarious. Make sure you tune in, make sure you're sending your stories once again, Guys, you can send in voice notes, whatever makes you feel more comfortable, because sometimes it's a lot to type, and a lot of y'all be trying to get me your story so fast, like y'all be, y'all be having hell of typos, so I

can't really read through a lot of it. If you're going to send in words, make sure that you prove read because I don't want to skip over your story, which may be a good story, and I want to help everybody that I can. If you don't prove free to, I can't get through it though. So again, I see y'all next week, same time, same place. Carefully Reckless is a production of I Heart Radio and The Black Effect.

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