#399 HOW TO HEAL FROM TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH STEPHANIE QUAYLE

Stephanie, welcome to the Can I Laugh on Your Shoulder podcast. Thank you so much for being here. you can always laugh on my shoulder. What I love about this already is how much laughter has already happened. Already, we have been talking for like 10 minutes and then I was like, I should probably hit record. We've determined in the 10 minutes that we've known each other that we are probably separated at birth. We should probably be best friends. All of the things.

So I'm just so excited and so honored for you to be here on the show with me. So Stephanie, let's just go ahead and we were not going to waste any time and I'm going to have you give me the Stephanie 101. So tell us who you are, what you do. am a country singer songwriter, originally from Bozeman, Montana, grew up on a farm. We raised cattle and bison. Those were my weekdays when I wasn't with my dad at the gun range. Very eccentric childhood. But to me, it was just being a kid in Montana.

And I started my record label in Nashville back in 2015. I've put out a bunch of music. and performed at the Grand Old Opry 12 times, performed for the five former presidents, which was like, what and why? Sometimes Forrest Gump, meaning places I end up and I just have no, like I'm like, God, what are we doing here? And I am now an author. I have my very first book that is out and I'm super proud of it. I've been sharing my stories through my music for most of my life.

But this particular story I never shared publicly until I put it in an album that came out, put out two albums in 22. And one was the now and one was my prequel. And the prequel led to me sharing more of the story, which is my book, Why Do We Stay? Wow. Okay. Well, first, can we talk about the music career? Because I love it so much. I mean, also just as a country music fan in general, I mean, one, to just set out and to start your own record label, like feels like a pretty big flex.

In addition to, you know, like casually putting out records and performing at the Grand Old Opry and all these kinds of things. So, Was, was country music was, was music in general, just something that was like in your bones from birth? How did, how did that come about? Did somebody speak that gift into your life? What did that look like? Man, so I grew up singing, my mom sings, my dad tries to sing.

We had a very music called family, like Christmas time, we all gathered around the piano and we would sing Christmas carols together and church choir and school choir, but it wasn't like it is now, you know, social media and, you know, singing competitions and all this kind of stuff. So my family was like, oh, that's really cute that you sing. You'll probably be a singing lawyer or something. And I was like, huh. Singing lawyer? Is that a thing? thing.

And so I really didn't think it was a career option. I just loved to sing. And it wasn't until I'm a freshman in high school. High school for some is great. Freshman year for me was not great. I got bullied by a bunch of senior girls, hazed pretty potently. And I just... I couldn't. I think when things become couldn'ts and musts, that's when we make big moves, right?

And so I was thinking about how I could run away legally because I'm also a rule follower that loves to break rules that don't get you in jail. So. can I run away legally is just just riddled with hilarity to me. This was the mind of my 15 year old, right? Like me at 15, I've learned that she was a complex creature. So I signed myself up for an exchange program.

That was my, okay, like not only will I move states, I'll like move out of the country. And that was kind of my way of, you know, getting some, getting some view, right? Getting some, uh, taking it all in in a different, because when you're, you small town and just in, in the muck of it, you know, I was in the muck as we say on the farm, as we say on the ranch. And when that understands muck knows exactly what I need.

Yeah. So the crazy thing was, is I'm, you know, and again, I always thought things were coincidence and serendipitous and you know, we all know that that's not how it is. So I ended up in Freiburg, Switzerland. on this exchange with a Swiss French family. And my host brother and I, we go, before he's headed to America to do his exchange, we go to a little cafe. And just a table away is a band talking about their lead singer moving back to Germany and needing to find a new lead singer.

So me being the shy person that I am, you know, very like, hello, hi, and I sing and... They were like, okay, well, she's American, she can try out. And I auditioned and I got this little job. And this was my afterschool program fronting this band. The band was called Scotch and Soda. The genre, I don't know what we were, but it was my first time fronting a band and writing songs and for a purpose, right? Beyond my little poetic drama, you know, my three chords and the, you know, teenage truth.

And I just fell in love with the feeling of making sense somewhere. I finally made sense. On stage, it all like the decks were cleared. Similar to when I'm on a horse, like when I'm riding my horse, I feel that freedom that's just unmatched. The stage, I just, I was like, okay, this is where I'm supposed to be. And then it was, how do I do this? So cut to, come back to Montana, graduate high school.

I'm like in every musical, anything that anyone will let me be in there kicking me out of Montana. They're like, okay, you need to leave now. You've played everywhere. And I moved to LA. I moved to Los Angeles because it was familiar. Nashville from Montana felt like I was going out of the country. And yeah, I know it's super weird. And you know, when they go, well, why didn't you just, I go, well, you know, we'll never.

to me, I think like Montana and Nashville seem more similar than LA and Montana. I would agree with you now, but in my brain then, I had been to California. There's a lot of West Coast country music that I'd grown up knowing. So I was like, well, it can happen anywhere. And so imagine this bop at 19 moving to LA. So wanting to believe people, so wanting to believe in people and someone that has, I pride myself on really just, I just love humans. So I believe what you say.

And I now believe in vet, but at the time I just, you know, was just soaking it all up. So I saw every side of the coin. I'm so grateful that nothing, more tragic than some of the situations that happened happened because I got to see it like a fly on the wall. I got to be in rooms that really showed me the underbelly of the entertainment industry. And something that I've never wavered on is my moral compass, regardless of, and there are some big temptations out there. That's how it works.

So I, you know, I'm in this relationship, it's 2009. I have my first little CD that I'm getting ready to put out to the world. Now I'm gonna be selling these out of my trunk. Like that's where we were. That's where we were. And for those listening that's not sure what a CD is, it's a compact disc. There used to be vehicles made where there was this little slot and you would just put this little silver disc of joy into your, and the music would come out of your speakers. It was the wildest thing.

It was wild. It was wild. time to be alive. Okay, here's the thing that I had. Here's it. I was like real ahead of the curve. Okay. So I got my driver's license in 2001. And I had one of the, it was the adapter where it was a tape that you put in your tape player with the cord that then you would plug into your walk. man.

So, I had the walkman in my passenger seat and I plugged in this like in the headphone jack, you plug that end into the walkman and then you pick your CD, you play it from the walkman, but then it connects through a cord that then goes into your tape player. And I've tried to explain this to my children and I'm like, you don't, cause like I have in one of my cars, I have Apple CarPlay and like they, so they can't, They can't know. There's no relation.

No, there's no comprehension on there and they're like, you did what? And I'm like, they're like, what's a tape player? What is a walkman? The effort that we had to go to, right?

And I know our parents feel like, oh, you have no idea, but the effort in order to listen to music, I think that's why now I get on such my soapbox, like a little bit of a tangent when it comes to music about what it takes to make music and create music and produce music and put it out in the world is not something that is free. No. Nope. Yeah. have incredible access. I'm visualizing you in your car with the whole thing right now. That's what I bring. No, no, it's not.

No, I love it because that's what we, I mean, how much we've experienced in a very short window when it comes to technology. How old are your kids? 10 and 8. Yeah, I mean, unless you don't let them see a screen, which I don't know how you do that in this world, but they didn't know the other. And I feel for our young people because they are just dealing with a whole different set of rules. Whole different set of rules. Also, walkmans are rad.

Maybe we need to get your littles, some of the yellow one with the matching. Oh my gosh, yeah. that are like made of white, like it's like metal. And some, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they might be getting these from Auntie Steph. Maybe like, what is this? I'll give them some of my greatest hits from 2009. So back to these, you know, selling this CD idea out of the butt of my trunk, which I eventually did do. It was January of 2009.

I'm in this relationship, I am building my life with this man, I'm raising his daughter with him, I am all in, I am all in. And he dies in a plane crash. Oh my gosh, Stephanie. And this was on a Wednesday. So this was Wednesday, January 28th of 2009, which now is 15 years ago. And so she was 12 at the time. I mourned his death for five days. And why I say that is because I only got to grieve him from Wednesday to Sunday, because on Sunday I learned I wasn't the only woman.

And you can imagine with your kids, you know, that age is so just like, you just want to protect. And this wasn't my daughter, but I love her like she is. And I just went in to protect her at all costs. And I'm just going to live in mad because mad and angry, I can navigate grief, sadness, hurt that I can, you know, betrayal is much easier to navigate. Well, so we think.

or at least so I thought, versus like get into the grief and the depths of grief, which eventually I had to come to grips with. So I stayed in LA for a year and then I moved to Nashville and I had that tug on my spirit where it was like, okay, it's time. And it was, you know, when they say just grow your wings, sometimes you have to jump to grow them. It was one of those situations, cause I didn't have a plan, but I moved to Nashville.

fall of 2011. And then I saw a new business of a business I'd been in for years through a much different lens and also how I could control as much as I could in a very uncontrollable life, right? There's so few things we can control, which led to me starting my own label. I saw so many young women not in control. And I'd already been... thought I was in control, lost all control. I'm like, I've got to do something to protect myself and show other women that it's possible.

And that was really the catalyst. It was such a must to have my own label to where I'm the only person who can fire me. I know that sounds a little nutty, but that's really what it was. And so all the meanwhile, I had all this backstory that I never shared publicly. Wow. all this backstory of 10 years in Los Angeles that I would just gloss over in every press conversation, in every songwriter conversation.

I would just kind of navigate my way out of that conversation so I wouldn't have to have it because if I started it, you kind of can't have like a, hey, what did you do in LA? It's like, I don't thanks, right? And. So all of this is happening and I fall right back into another toxic relationship. And they say that, I've learned until we fix ourselves, there's really no way around it. There's no way of getting over it.

That was one of the things I learned through my music and through a very patient. husband that I so adore and is just so precious to have seen it, but let me take the time I needed. The only way through it is through it. The only way to get over it is by getting through it to get to the other side. So, I mean, that is fully loaded. And all amidst that, I am watching my songs move up the charts.

You know, I'm watching myself play at the Grand Ole Opry and being where my feet are and getting to debut, getting a typed letter from Dolly Parton. So all of these high, high things are happening in my career. And then there's this other part of me that I'm just like, nope, no, I'm good now. It's good, I'm good, everything's good, the past is gone. I'm good, I wasn't good. And I finally got confronted with that.

And that was all because of his daughter, the little one that, you know, I had been protecting my whole adult life, essentially. She reached out and she was, so this is like April of 21 now. I'm like chronologically taking you in a fast forward. And she was in her senior year doing her college thesis and said to me, I'm not going to protect my father anymore. And I'm going to.

heal through my art and she started painting her story and her relationship with him and these women including myself and the courage that she had that's really Molly when I was like okay even if no one ever hears a song I have to say about this I have to put it in the place that I know I have to put this in my music I have to get it out because that's the only way I know kind of how to finish that story for myself. And I wasn't even sure I was going to put it out.

Honestly, like the week leading up to November of 22, I was like, I think we shouldn't. Because when you share, there's a lot that comes with that. I think when you're in bad relationships, there's guilt, there's shame, there's. so much outside noise that's meant usually to be well intended, but it comes with a lot of, it comes with a lot of shame. So it was a wild experience to learn very quickly.

I was not an island and there was such an outpour of finally someone's willing to say the things that we weren't able to say through music. And then that's what led to. seeing that, okay, it's time to do this book. And then the book went from my story to my story and how can I give someone else the tools that I didn't have? How do I create something that had I had this when I was early 20s, you know, I was just a baby. I had no frontal full con, like frontal cortex was not fully developed, okay?

Like, we should all just be like, till we're 25, we should just, there should just be like a, not a padded room, but there needs to be, you know? All right. mean, there's no accident that like, I mean, my book that, you know, when this airs, came out in March, like, there's a reason that the bulk of the book takes place from birth till the age of 25. Like, I got saved at the age of 25. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And it was like... gotta talk about that because I am super. So I grew up in the faith, right?

I was born into it. It was no like, you know, choice as a child. And so for me, like you're catching me on the second interview slash podcast talking about both my faith and my business at the same time. So if I'm a little disjointed, just know it. Know that's why, because it's in my world, in my business, it was, you can have your faith, but keep it out of your business. And so you're 25, that's the time when you got saved. So did you grow up with it at all?

No, no. And I have a whole chapter in my book on kind of my faith journey. My parents didn't raise me in the church, and they did that partially because of their own upbringings. Like, my parents had me later in life, and my parents were raised Irish Catholic and went to Catholic school and were beaten by nuns in the 40s and 50s. And so it was just a very different time. And so they were navigating their own... wounds and all of that.

And so, the story, I mean, of like my view of faith and like I didn't, I'd never really heard the gospel. I knew who Jesus was, but I wasn't, I didn't actually have an understanding of, I knew about Jesus. I did not know Jesus, if that makes sense. Yeah. makes a hundred thousand bajillion percent. And so that was really more, um, and then I, you know, I had to get to rock bottom and part of my rock. I mean, there was a whole lot that, I mean, it's like the whole book, but.

you think you're at bottom? There's still more bottom. There's a lot of bottom. There's more bottom. and one, and actually this is one of the reasons that I wanted to have you on, um, the podcast was because, uh, part of not entirely, but a portion of my rock bottom was having gotten out of an incredibly toxic relationship. And, um, and I was, you know, I'd gotten into this relationship. when I was on the start of my rock bottom, if that makes sense.

Like I was on the early journey of rock bottom when I get into this relationship. And then of course, like I began to place all of my hopes and dreams and, and I, you know, it was just very, I was very naive and I was, you know, all of it. And he said all the right things and did all the right things. And, um, And then I kind of, I was kind of bamboozled. And then, uh, you know, and then all of a sudden I moved to a new state for this person.

And then I, uh, and then I'm living alone and I'm working all these jobs. I'm trying to get a debt. And then all of a sudden this person breaks up with me and it's like, I, that it's not like that was what made me spiral, but that was. a, I think in a lot of ways, a straw that broke the camel's back that just accelerated the process because it was then at that point where this thing that I had like put my hopes and my dreams and my plans and all these things.

And like, I just called everything into question because I was like, well, what do I do now? I live in this state where I don't really know anybody and I live by myself and I'm working all these jobs and like, nobody's ever going to love me and I'm worthless and I'm this and I'm that and I'm this and I'm that. And then, so that really just begins that crazy cycle. Um, and so that's why, I mean, you know, I say all that to say, like, that's why I was so fascinated by your book.

Um, because I, so many people have said over the years, like, well, why did you stay? Why did you know that you like, did you know at the time that it was, it was unhealthy? And I think in a lot of ways, my answer, like for me was yes. But I also think that there was a part of myself that was lying to myself that was like, well, It's actually not that bad or like this is normal. Uh, the things that he says to me are normal. Like his behavior is normal. Like this is normal.

And I look back and like doubt none of that was normal. Like none of that was normal. And I've had to, you know, and I'm now, I mean, my husband and I, we just celebrated 12 years of marriage and he's amazing. And he's, you know, and I'm not just saying this to like puff him up and make him just seem like, but he's every single day. I thank God. I'm like, I don't know how. it up with this guy.

And I, you know, I've had to tell him over the years, cause like, he'd never had a girlfriend before me. So like I come in with all this relational, relational baggage. And there's been a lot of times where I've had to be like, I'm really sorry that I'm placing this on you. And like, you didn't do this. Like I'm having to still heal from scars. And anyway, I just realized I went off on a tangent there a little bit. at all. I mean, it's, you know, going back to your question, did I know?

I think we all know. I think we all know I think that I was so Enamored in love kind of like even saying that out loud like rubs me because now I know what real love is. So it's kind of like, it's like, but at the time that's really what I believed and I believed him. And every time. you I would cock my head sideways and be like, I'll be like, wait, what, what? Or when I would confront him about it, he just was so good. And I, after obviously he died, there were many people that were bamboozled.

There are many people that - or misled, there were many people even outside of the women and the relationships and whatever all was going on there, which I still don't know to the extent, right? Just when I think there couldn't be more, like I just know better. I just know better that there can always be more. But I will say that when I even went as far as saying like, hey, if I'm not your person, like, Just let me go. That's like... cocaine to a drug addict, when you say that to a narcissist.

That's like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right? And so whenever I would pull back or, and also let's just remind everyone, I am not the psychologist. I'm only becoming an expert in myself. Fortunately, Keith Campbell is the professional in the book that will give you all like the actual like expert information. So. I say that just based on my experience. But he would, if I tried to leave, he would double down.

I don't know if this happened to you, Molly, but it would be like, he would just say all the things that I've been longing for him to say in those other times that I'd be like, oh, okay. So all the work I'm doing on me, because clearly I'm the one that's the problem, the unworthy, crazy, insecure problem, it's working. And so I kept staying. And I talk about that in the book. I didn't leave my first toxic relationship. The way I was able to leave was he died.

And that's a very heavy thing to say. I don't know if I would be here if he hadn't died. I don't know that I would have. And I say that with the gravity of it because I was so minimalized and self -minimalized as well, right? I take ownership, I was complicit, I stayed. And in the next relationship, I stayed until I left. I have to own that. You know? And then I got stronger. I'm just like, you got stronger.

And then God blessed me with this incredible man that has more patience than I look back and it hurts. It hurts me for him. Kind of like what you said about like to your husband, like, I'm sorry that you're getting all of this. The beauty is, is that he wanted all of you. He didn't say I want you without, right? That was the same thing for me with my husband. He just was like, I want all of this wreckage. Very much like Jesus loves us, right?

It's that unconditional, like, I want you and you're broken. I'm not waiting for you to get unbroken to show up. Yeah. Yeah. Our, um, and our first dance song, uh, and this song had just come out. Like this was a brand new song, which now, you know, people are like that song so old. Well, yeah, we got married 12 years ago. Um, but our first dance song was like Jesus does by Eric Church.

And, and I, and like, we still to this day, like we, um, in a lot of ways, like we sing it to each other, but I also like say like, he loves me like Jesus does. Um, and, and that. because when my husband and I met, I was just coming out of this really toxic relationship. I didn't want a relationship because I was a little scarred and I was also at a really low point of my life. I didn't know Jesus, but my husband John had been a Christian his whole life.

And so he met me at my... absolute lowest point and yet he still wanted me. And, um, and then he really loved me and he saw me through, like he was, you know, we were together. Um, the, you it was his birthday actually, when I went to church with him for the first time.

And, um, and so, and he really, you know, walked with me through the healing journey and, and so much of, um, I look back at who I was when we first met and who I am now and how he has been there with me as I've healed and become the person that God created me to be. And so I still, to this day, that song just, it hits, it hits. know, I get it. And I think about that song every time I go to sit down and write a song.

So I'm like, man, like it doesn't get better than that song because that's the truest statement. You know, I very much relate to that. And I remember when David, my husband, that's David, we got a John, we got a David, we got all the Bible names. When he said he loves me unconditionally, like I didn't really get that. I mean, of course I get the logical version of that, but I didn't get the sentiment of that until just this last January 28th.

So 15 years, 15 year anniversary of the guy that died in the plane crash, right? I got water baptized to reclaim the day. Mmm. And I didn't really, you know, like we didn't really have much of a familial discussion about it. You know, I did have to call my parents. I go, did we ever, did we ever baptize me or did we, did we not? I like, you know, I put it in a we, so I didn't have to own it. And I'm like, did we? And they're like, I mean, you got christened as a baby. Of course, you know?

And I'm like, but did, did anyone like put me in the water? And, And I go, well, no, I mean, and I go, not at all. Like all the Bible schools I went to, every like youth camp, like nothing. And we don't think so. I was like, well, if no one can remember, this is our answer. And I remember, you know, last January 20th, I was able to forgive the guy that died in the plane crash, which was such a big realization of not, of like, not verbally forgiving him, right?

I hadn't moved on from it, but not actually saying, I forgive you. That's a big deal. And then this January was about, no, I now have one last person to forgive and that's myself. And that was when I got truly free and I saw unconditional love and I felt unconditional love because when I came out of the water, it was a state change. It was a state of being change. It wasn't a Yeah. All right. So there's two people that I really want you to speak to.

Okay. And the first person that I want you to speak to is the person who, and I'm asking this in a, in a particular order for a reason, but the first person I want you to speak to is for the person who is trying to heal and rebuild their life after a toxic relationship. So, and that can really mean a lot of things that can mean. You got out of a toxic relationship in the last six months or in the last 16 years. Um, that, that has a range.

Okay. And so I want you to speak to that person who is navigating the afterlife and, and I, I'm navigating the afterlife, uh, navigating, you know what I mean? Like navigating the after effects of that. as to what that process looks like and how he'll, it's not, as we know with anything in life, it's not linear, but what are some of the things that you would say to

that person, male or female? Yeah, no, and absolutely. And just to reiterate that, it happens to everyone. This is not an only women thing. Oh gosh, I think that's probably one of the greatest questions I've ever been asked. And so I would like to stipulate the following. This was what I did. This is what I did. And I took the long road. Mm -hmm. So I'm going to preface it with that. There is more support in the space. What do I do than ever before?

So where I feel like I made the greatest missteps and then clean those up, kind of the following. And then that's what I would say to this person if they're on just getting out or close to just have gotten out. I wish I would have had Keith Campbell because the words and the expertise. of that support. defined and created a clear line. My parents said similar things. My friends said similar things.

But it wasn't, when we hear it through the ears of those that we love, sometimes we don't give it the validity that it deserves. And so I think seeking real support, expert support that you can't essentially negate, right? When there's an expert in this, in the business of toxic relationships, you can't shoot a hole through it. And I wish that I would have... I put the shame and the blame on myself that I was just living in aside and said, you know what, it is okay to ask for help.

So I think step one is recognizing that we're not to do this on our own. And God gives us tools. God gives us people. we need to utilize those, right? Like I want people to get fast tracked and that's because I didn't, right? I don't want people to lose years like I did healing, right? If I could have met you then and truncated your pain, that would be the greatest gift I could ever give you, right? So for...

For those that are listening, watching, if I can truncate your healing by a couple of these little tools that worked for me, I'll never get those years back, never. And am I trying to make up for it? Probably by living a little bit in overdrive and being present, which is a very, that's like a roller coaster in pause. So I would say first is like, gosh, man, we're just not meant to do it alone.

And you know, I had such a strong faith, but I still thought I could do it without God for a long time. So for those that have that faith, like there's a reason why it says cast your fears on me, put your stuff on me. You know, it's like we're not, we don't have to figure it out alone.

And I think one of the greatest things I learned through emotional rehab, and when I say I went to therapy, I went to every kind of therapy, you know, outside of like, I didn't have like the electrodes put on me, you know, I didn't have any kind of shock therapy, but I went to every kind of like psychologist. Relate, you name it. I call it emotional rehab. I was like, I am broken. How do I fix me?

And one of the interesting lessons I learned about shame was it's where it goes from, I made a mistake to I am the mistake. And guilt and shame and really understanding that you are not the problem, but you are your solution. Right? And. That only happens by us getting stronger. I kept looking out. I kept looking at, well, if I hang out with this person, maybe I'll fix myself for this business situation.

And I think that's really where it has to begin, is like, no, no, take inventory of yourself. And without all the noise. Can you really seek that? What's everything right with Molly? What's everything right? I think that the self -critic is so loud, especially wasn't mine. It almost took my life because I was so tired of doing it wrong. And for anyone that is feeling that way, there are countless resources and Molly and I can direct you to them, but we are not that resource.

That is, you need to seek that professional understanding and get that help. And that's, and I think now the conversation of mental health is so much more of an open plane and there's a lot less shame with it. You know, social media has had both effects on that, which is great from the standpoint of getting information. I also think it's so much information that people are getting muddled. But my first thing would be like, you are not an island. Don't do this alone. Don't try to do it alone.

Wherever you're not alone starts. And also recognizing that no one is going to fix you. No one is going to complete you. You know, I think that... Sometimes when we think of equally yoked, we think of ourselves as only 50%. And that then our other 50 % will be this person that comes and saves our lives, right? Well, there's only one that does that. That's Jesus. And when I think about the whole time I was enough in all of my stuff, I didn't mean to rhyme that, but it does.

And. if I would have just eased up on me. And... just really worked on, okay, what is it like to love myself? Because I'm all I have for the rest of my life. I am the only person I will be with for every moment. And I think that I discovered a lot of that through writing. I'm sure you did too, as you were writing your book. It's just like you, there's so many ah -has and self -discovery. So I don't think I completely answered.

that answer with one answer, but I gave you a lot of my current answers. really helpful. Well, the second person that I wanted you to speak to is the person who is in the

midst of the unhealthy relationship, the toxic relationship, however you want to categorize it. And I think there's sort of two aspects to this. And you can answer this however you feel. But I mean, I think about a lot of times, like, there are... Certainly there are times where people know that they are in an healthy, but I actually would say more often than not, they don't know while they're in it, but they know deep down. turn things off.

Yeah. off and then they it's not till they then have the benefit of hindsight that they're like this would This was problematic. Do you speak to that person? Yes, I would say a few things. right off the bat. if something doesn't feel right, that's, God gave us this incredible gut, this incredible intuition. There's a reason why they say the gut is the second brain. You know, they, trusting yourself, which is really hard to do when you're in it, which is the hardest thing.

But I would say if there is something that doesn't add up, or if there's something that makes you go, huh, or if there's something, where when you question it, you get dismissed and not listened to, that's a flag. That's a flag. Where it gets really tricky is when there are kids in finance involved. There's the feeling of being stuck, which I think a lot of people are. They're like, how do I get out?

I don't necessarily have the tool for that, that I could just be, and just do this, because it's so complicated with little humans, which are children. Yeah, that's a lot. So that's a whole other, that's like a whole other book. I would start there with, if it feels off and there's something off, I had to become my own investigator to, reassure my guy. I had family and friends that I got isolated from that were waving every flag they could to get my attention.

So now I have a song off the album called Charmed and it's like if your friends don't like him and your daddy don't like him, there's probably a reason why you shouldn't like him. And if strangers don't like him and if your dog tries to bite him. So if you believe your family, and your friends and your trusted tribe of people, right? It might be a pastor, whatever it is, if they're saying, hey, time out, give them the benefit of that time out.

You know, we still have to come to our own decision when we do. I clearly did not do that. But those are two major indicators. And... I have a real problem. with two words when they are mentioned in my presence. When someone says, that person is crazy. I really questioned the person saying it. And that is my own, that's just my own thing because I was deemed crazy for questioning the person I was with versus it being like, oh, well, why do you feel that way?

Like most, I don't know that most adults would be like, oh, why do you feel that way? But in my case, I was deemed crazy and insecure every time I questioned, are your chickens over there? I feel like you're side -eyeing some roosters right now. are right outside my window. So I keep turning my microphone down so that you can't hear that. I was like, no, I got a watch. I'm like, she's got, she's got some, she's got some chickens. I was like, listen, I get it. I am, I am a farmer, rancher.

I understand. It's like your head's on a swivel. I get it. Totally get it. And, and, but yeah, but really again, like that's where you seek help. That's where if you're, if you're unable to, Check yourself with those things, right? OK, I've got something's feeling off. Flag. Nobody likes this person. I wonder why. Flag. You know, I would say this. Hello? I mean, gosh, I wish we could just put them on there. Humans. You know, one of the things too was potentializing.

I don't know that that's a word. But potentializing the person you're with. Like. If what is in front of you is what is in front of you, are you trying to make it better than it is? Are you making excuses for what's in front of you? I mean, that was one of the things with, you know, toxic number two, we'll call him. You know, I would make excuses. It's terrible. That's actually a nice way of calling him. I would make excuses when he would act terrible. Yeah. And no, that is not what we do.

And what I've now found is I don't even waste my time. My most precious commodity now, I spend zero time investigating people. I mean, I would deep dive. I would go to the ends of the earth and flush out social media, Google sleuthing, like you name it. I would. I'd be like, I would vet to there was nothing else to be found. And now it's like, man, if something feels wrong, I'm done. Like no more, not getting one more second of my time.

And I think that's another thing that we have to think about. If you're in a relationship that, this could be familial, this could be business, this could be romantic. That it happens and toxic relationships happen across the board. Family is complicated. Yeah. You can't just be like, I'm done with my family. We can try to educate them. But with the others, it's like, man. How much time have you given this person?

And if this was your best friend, would you have been telling them to stay with that person? That really hits me hard because I know me and I would never let my friends stay with these people. And I stayed. And I... saw such blatant disrespect for me, would never have allowed that happen to you. Molly, if you and I were bebopping around and I'm like, and you're like, oh, pre -John, you're like, oh, meet this guy. And I'm just can understand what comes with toxicity. Any of that behavior.

I've been like, Molly, come on, no. You know? But we just, I don't, you can't say we. I don't want to speak for you. I wanted to believe that this person was better because the potential that I had made this person in my mind was everything a girl could dream of. So that's when the vivid imagination really didn't come in handy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think, I mean, I think that advice is so good. And, and this is just an encouragement for the people listening.

I think that it really drives home the importance of having people around you that you do trust and know you and know your heart and know. Sometimes you just need that person in your life who almost knows you better than you know yourself and knows what's best for you. And I realized that maybe that sounds a little crazy or a little like a little out of the box, but the embed that I mean, like, It's different when you're outside the situation. It's just different.

Yeah. No, no, I totally get what you're saying. You know, there were people that knew what they were up to and they chose not to tell me and they were not my friends. Yeah. they were his friends. So there was this like protective barrier. The close circle of people that I had in my life and some that are still in my life, because you know, friends, you know, come and go. they would have told me.

And I think now with the knowledge as I keep learning more and more about it, now if I didn't know someone, I wouldn't be like, hey, yo, you know, I don't know, maybe actually I would, I'd be like, hey, listen, but this is what I would tell. I just can't, I can't, I would want someone to know because I know what it feels like to be the other, where someone didn't. say, well, I knew, but you know. Yeah. Yeah. so I probably would vigilante. Is that vigilante? I don't know.

I probably would just call it out and do it in a very private, protective, adult way. But. Well, Stephanie, man, this has been so good. No, so, so good. I know we do. I know we need to hang out more. Next time you're in North Carolina, we're going to find a way to get together. Either I'll come to your farm or you come to my farm. But seriously, Thank you for writing this book. For everybody listening, the book is out now. It is Why Do We Stay?

How My Toxic Relationship Can Help You Find Healing. You can listen to Stephanie's music wherever you listen to music and support her just incredible, incredible music career. Stephanie, I can't wait till you're winning all the CMA awards. you're so sweet. I can't wait to just get time with you. And what a gift. You know, this is the beauty of just, you know, being where our feet are because we always get put where we're supposed to be. right. That's right. All right.

Well, Stephanie, tell everybody where they can best find you if they want to connect with you and of course, just support you in any way that they can. are the best. StephanieQuail .com is all things, music, tour dates, you know, our little fan family, the flock of quail. We've been this way a long time, friends. We're going to the grave with it. And then of course... -U -A -Y -L -E. So, important distinction here. Caw -caw. Also, a quail does not sound like that.

The cacaw, I think that was a crow. I don't have a quail call. I'll work on it for next time. And then social media, you know, all the places, just at Stephanie Quail. And you can find the book everywhere, independent bookstores, you name it, any place. You can find books, you will find the quail. Stephanie, thank you so much. Thank you for this work and thanks for being here. the coolest.