The Overexplainer's Dilemma: Why You Feel Compelled to Justify Everything

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look for comment down deeper and now on to today's episode have you ever noticed how easy it is to turn a simple sentence into a one-act play why do we do this and someone asks hey want to grab lunch this weekend and instead of saying i can't you go into this whole bit oh i wish i could but this weekend is

crazy my mom is coming into town and i promised her that i would help her pick out new curtains and then there's this birthday party that my neighbor invited us to can't miss that because last year we did and well that got a little kind of a little awkward and then honestly i was kind of hoping to finally clean out the garage you know it's embarrassing like how long it's been since i've touched the garage and by the time you pause to breathe

The other person has totally forgotten they've even asked, right? And you're standing there wondering, why didn't I just say no? Let's find out. I'm Chad Lawson, and... Let's calm it down in three, two, one. It's called the over-explainer's dilemma. That almost automatic need to explain every little thing. why you turn down an invitation, why you switch careers, why you're spending Saturday night watching a baking show instead of going out, which would be my preference.

Even when no one asked, right? Even when no one really cares. And the funny part, you often notice halfway through. You're like five reasons deep when a little boy says, Why am I doing this? Here's the thing. Most of us are not born narrating our lives like a legal deposition. We learn it, usually in small, quiet ways.

way so raise eyebrow when we said no or a sigh when we made a choice that someone didn't quite get or that look that left us wondering if we even had the right to choose for ourselves So we adapt. We pad our choices and bubble wrap. We become experts at the disclaimer. We rehearse invisible speeches before even sending the simplest text.

And over time, it stops being occasional. It becomes reflex. But why do we do it? Why? I mean, at the heart of, like, uber-explaining, there's this one very small human hope.

If they understand me, they won't judge me. Sounds reasonable enough, but over time, it can actually become this prison, right? I mean, a life where you feel like you have to earn the right... just to be yourself where every no needs a footnote where every preference feels like it needs a powerpoint presentation you start believing your worth depends on other people's understanding

Not on your own knowing and confidence of knowing. For many of us, the habit started early. Maybe you grew up where you felt... Love was conditional, right? If you please others, you were safe. If you disappointed, you weren't. And what better way to stay safe than to preempt disappointments altogether? To convince others, here's why my choice makes sense. I mean, at five, explaining why you didn't want broccoli, that might have saved you a scolding.

But at 35, explaining why you need a weekend to yourself leaves you exhausted. Same reflex, just a different life. Here's the irony in all of it. Overexplaining rarely gives us the safety that we're hoping for. I mean, a lot of times it leaves us more anxious, right? Overextended, disconnected from ourselves. Every time you explain a no that didn't need explaining,

You begin to chip away at your inner self, your inner trust. And you teach yourself that your choices must be earned, that your boundaries, they must be proven. It's a subtle form of self-betrayal. But it's all dressed up in really good manners, right? So let's be honest here. Some people will judge you no matter what you say.

you could send a perfectly well written five paragraph essay on why you're not attending the office holiday party and someone will still think that you should have gone regardless but the people who truly matter They don't need your reasons. They can hear, no. Or, you know, I'm not going to. And they can love you the same. When you live to explain, you give away your power.

When you live to choose, you get it back. So what do we do when that reflex kicks in? Like when you feel that familiar urge just to explain? Well first, notice. That's the whole beginning, right? Catch yourself mid-sentence if you need to just gently think, ah, there it is again. No shame, no criticism, simply noticing.

Because awareness, it loosens the grip. But then we have to create an image to hold on to. And here's one that I like to use. I want you to picture carrying a heavy backpack full of reasons. You've worn it for so long that you forget it's even there. And every no, it comes with five bricks of explanation. And every yes comes with three disclaimers and a postscript. And one day, you get tired.

And you decide to take out one brick. And then another. And one day, you leave the whole backpack behind. You say, no. And then you stand there. And the backpack is lighter. And so that is your invitation, right? So the small practice of just the eloquent no. Here, try it. No, thank you. Or, you know, I can't this time. Or, that doesn't work for me. And then let the sentence land. No footnotes. And of course, the very first few times, it's going to be awkward. It's okay, right? It's like...

Standing in a crowded room with an outfit that just doesn't feel like you, right? But you'll find that most people accept a simple sentence far more easily than what you think. But something I want you to remember. Are you listening? If you catch yourself over explaining, don't scold yourself. Give yourself some grace. You have to remember this habit once protected you.

It served you well when understanding felt like survival, right? You didn't have to fight. You just had to meet it with compassion. So try thinking. Thank you, old pattern. You've taught me once, but I don't need you now. This is a far more powerful shift than just trying to stop, right? So with that in mind, I want you to ask a couple questions to yourself.

What if my choices didn't need defending today? What if I trusted that people who truly know me will not require an essay? And then maybe, what would it feel like? To let my know be enough. Small questions, big freedom, right? So as we close, I want to leave you with this reminder. You are loud. To make decisions that others don't understand. You are allowed to say no without an alibi. To say yes without an asterisk attached. You're allowed to like what you like.

To need what you need. To rest when you must. Your life is not a courtroom. You are not on trial. You don't need to win anyone's approval to just...

B. Sometimes, most of the time, your choice is enough. Because you are enough. And you are. You are enough. So thank you. Thank you for being. you for listening thank you for living and until next time be kind to your mind maybe practice that eloquent no and trust that the world will keep spinning just fine even without your footnotes it's true join me again next time as we

Hey, I see that you have made it to the end, either because you loved it or because your phone's playing to an empty room while you're in the kitchen making a sandwich. I've been there. Either way, here's a scoop. Comment down premium. Weekly episodes, no ads, early access, exclusive content. It's like finding out your favorite restaurant has a secret menu. But instead of extra sauce, you get extra serenity. It's true.

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This podcast was written and produced by yours truly, Chad Lawson, composer, pianist, and nationally recognized Sweet Tooth. The views, expressions, and techniques in this episode are of my personal opinion and not intended, nor should they, serve as a substitute for medical advice or diagnosis rendered to you by your individual doctor.

or other health care provider. Only a licensed physician should evaluate your situation, provide a diagnosis, or render other medical advice to you. And you should only act upon the advice. of this physician. Now, I'm an extreme empath by nature, but my profession is that of a composer and pianist, not a licensed therapist or physician.

I hear from thousands of listeners how my music has helped them through various stages of emotional needs, and I simply want to offer this in future podcast episodes to aid those needs. So to find a list of licensed professionals in your area, please visit commentdownpodcast.com. And if you've enjoyed today's episode, please leave a review or better yet, share it with a friend.

While it takes less than 60 seconds to do, its impact will last for years to come as every little bit helps in growing the awareness and the importance of mental and emotional health. Thank you for listening. Thank you for living. And until next time, be kind to your mind and join me again as we calm it down.