¶ Intro / Opening
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Yes, so I discovered tears will get mayonnaise stains out of a green gans.
¶ Irish Fans' Prague Odyssey
Uh welcome back to Prague. Thousands of Irish supporters came, partied and they went hoarse for the last few days. Most of them were RTE staff, but there were some fans who paid their own way. I could actually hear them from my suite. It kept me awake they did. Tired out. Let's meet some of them still here. This lad looks like
You need an ice bath. We're live by the way. Don't chant anything about the raw, please. Ah, look at them devastated. You know, I flew to Perlermo and got the bus up here and sold all my possessions for a ticket to the game and put the three children on the market and all. You sold your children. No, sorry, I put them on the
The stall at the market selling my possessions. Is anyone offering by the way? The baby won't be much use. No, you could get the older ones to pick mushrooms or something. No, sorry. Oh please, man, I need to get a flight back. Sorry for your troubles. Is there anyone here who isn't from New
Westmead here. I'm heartbroke, something terrible.
Please don't chant anything about nitrates, derogations, or we'll have to cut the broadcast again. All right. A lot of people went through a lot of trouble to get to Prague. How did you get here?
Stole a pony and moat, rode him to Luke and jumped into an ESB van and phoned in an electrical fault in the airport where I got a cargo plane to Poland.
Oh it's see it's some crack with the customs offices. Yeah.
a train over the border and made it just in time for the half time slippery nipples.
Amazing. Um such colour and pageantry here. Th the the man here is a shade of concerning Scarlet. How are you lads? Please don't chant anything about the monk we're live on radio. I've had a time of my life, Martin. How'd you get here? We go right air flights, it costs us forty grand. That's right, a man here was in the overhead bin and another lad dressed as a pilot. We flew into Kosovo Prague.
It was some trick Yeah we had to set up a bus service from scratch late to get into the country. That's right. We owe above four hundred grand to a Serbian crypto kind. Bank. Ah, but it was Water. Yeah, don't chant anything about Milosevic or we cut to a break. How many of you s word there in the gang? Five us.
What? But he wasn't on the carousel when we landed. Ryanair must have lost him. No Finba, he's out to text me there. They've accidentally diverted him to Frankfurt. He ended up as an exhibit and a Damien Herschel. Show. Yeah, your problems be solved. Uh how about you? Did you take three trains, four flights, swim a canal and then rent a car to get here, misses
No, sure we knew this match was happening for Young's. I booked in advance like a responsible person. It only cost me three hundred and fifty quids.
Yeah, no, that's disappointing. How are you doing? I tell you what I don't know. I cycled to Paris, hitchhiked to Vienna I married a Hungarian princess and I broke out of a a debtor's jail. I never once missed a match in my life before. I am fairly confident now. I think we we might have a chance tonight. What? No, the matches. What? It's over like it was last night. Oh jeez! We're out.
Oh sh I'm sorry, I thought you me Oh Well sure look I'm here now might as well have a rash of sandwich But it's three o'clock in the morning I know Huh Bush is breakfast time back home Haha Go on I'll buy the coleslaw
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Is he a mute? He looks like a man.
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¶ Trump's Diplomatic Shenanigans
Hello? Hello? I was on mute. Hello? Uh Delighted to be here. Very honestly. Frightened like the SNL comedy on you. I posted it myself online. Huge numbers. Oh You have that realization of terror on your face like Melania on Valentine's. I'm not terrified, I'm cautious. Same thing, British word for terrified. Very polite fear. I gotta tell you, I hope your negotiations with Iran, first of all, continue, and second of all.
actually exists. Absolutely, I'm having talks every single day, mainly with myself, and then I watch the oil prices go down like a fun game. They react to anything I say. So World War Three They just jumped up again. Please please stop playing with oil prices while I'm delighted your imaginary talks are positive.
Would it be worth consulting the Iranians for stability at least? Well stability's overrated. The markets they love excitement. They all love excitement. People make a lot of money. Smart people. Th there are reports of unusual trades. One made sixty million in fourteen minutes. That's what I like to call efficiency. It's called insider trading. No, no, it's outsider winning. Mr. President. They just knew I was about to pause bombing Iran's energy sites for five days, precisely. Lucky guess.
You told them, didn't you? I tell everybody everything and nothing. It's very confusing. That's my strategy. Now you're moving marines into the region during talks. Totally peaceful deployment of troops. I find that very hard. Well that's because you don't have the imagination, Keir. Churchill, now he had imagination. He was a bigot. But in a classy way. Such a classy bigot. You're no Churchill Kear, you're more assistant manager at a carpet store.
Look, this is about stepping the nuclear. But you said you destroyed Iran's nuclear capabilities last June, sir. Nuclear. This war is a bit like the Malcolm in the Middle reboot in that I'm struggling to see the point of it. Seriously though, did you watch the SNL parody of you that I shared? I left so hard until I realized we should be tariffing the UK for stealing American comedy. I thought it was a highly inaccurate representation of me. I've never ever been funny.
You know, I hosted SNL here in the best the biggest ratings of all time, they say. My whole cabinet is made of hosts. Pete Hankson, he hosted Fox News, RFK Junior, he hosted Yeah. A worm in his brain. You should watch it, you really should. No, I I don't have time. There are far more important things a world leader should be doing right now, I think. That's right like golfing. I gotta do a lot of golfing. No no I meant uh
Alright, how was your visit to Elvis' mansion? It was terrific. Gold everywhere. Gaudy lamps, hideously ornate. Staircase. Good to talk. He's got great taste. I gotta go. The king, they say, but they're gonna be calling me a king. Maybe Supreme Leader. Thanks, Mr President. You don't want me to be supreme leader.
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¶ Match Day Madness and Commentary
Not important. What's all this? What's happening? The match has started. Quit your clocking like a Harriton and see she is there, will you tonnish? What match? What are you talking about? We already won the Six Nations, hello. Stop the bligarding now. We won the triple crown. Different sports. Stop yoking me chakras, will you? I've all the snack Is that a hard boiled egg? What's that moss coloured drink? It looks a squeeze. Sweet grass. It's very good for the gut.
Like a wooden one with Mary Robinson. You come away feeling chilled and giless in terms of Where's the sunny D and the fun size smarties? Shush now. I won't allow fructose. Well, if we're not having rice Krispy Buns, then fruck this. The match, the match, a nation holds its guinnessy breath. And a spare pair of underpants. Oh concentrate. Of course, football, it's top trumps for social media engagement. Precisely. Go, Jack Sparrow!
Is that the hero? No no no no no tis triparts. Stop it now, focus. This is a d a vital match for the young generation who never never saw a world cup. That's my people, of course. I wasn't alive the last time Ireland went to the ashes. It wasn't it. You were. You were sixteen years of age. I see it on Insta, 2002. I was so young.
I hadn't even been invited to my first house party by then, uh before or since I've got to be a little bit more than Take that back! I promised to bring cans of carling to my first house party, but reneged on the promise and offered Capri Sun instead. They got angry and tried to eject me, so I pledged to make up for it by dropping a Jaeger bomb. It said I dropped out.
I've caught it.
Oopsie. Shoot, shoot, shoot, go on, go on, put it in. Who's playing the halftime show? Coplay or Oasis? They're the only bands I know exist. Wish will you we offsight? Offsight! It says here it's gonna be ninety minutes. Oh my god, that's so long. The children's hospital will. Still not be built by full time. Of course there could be extra time and penalties as well. Don't be silly. I oversaw the contract. It's overtime and no penalties. What's that?
I think I said too much. Come on, ye boys in green! Oh, so we're the ones in green. Wait, what's Ayman Ryan doing in this? Address, will you quit the blackarding? Sorry, God, it's just I'm so nervous. Oh so you finally understand the match. No no, I just discovered what the national debt is for the first time today. Woo! I thought that figure was credit. What the hell is wrong with you? We're gonna have to spend a thousand years in the deposit return machine to pay that back.
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Come on, you poison green, come on. Oh, we found your table here, here. We didn't get our own private area, though. I think it's better we watch the match with the little people Pierce by election season all. Hence the match. Match Day Scarves fresh from Henry Street. We have to get the street traders vouch. We're all part of Hamer's army. Sorry, Matt, can we still be pro neutrality and part of an army or come on, Erlin, check your law!
Calm down, Pierce. You're frightening people. They're looking over at our table. Sorry, I've just wound up'cause the government's an action on heating oil prices and not enough of a cut on petrol. It's an abomination. Never mind parish pump politics. Pierce is after inventing petrol pump politics, hey. Kinetic fury would generate enough power to keep the national grid going till Krimbo. Dad, this is amusing to you all.
The pressure anymore. I have to go to the loo, but I'm terrified I'll miss a flash of Troy Parrots. Ab fab aboard. There's a chance! Penalty! Penalty!
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I can't watch it if it goes to Penos.
¶ Post-Match Reflections and Fury
Come here, did you see RT had to cut away from a live broadcast because fans were singing Up the Ra in the background? There are people. We just need to bring that away, match energy, to the ballot box in Dublin Centre. Don't be telling Arlene Faust or she's trying to outlaw up the Up the rash she just got back in the house of lords and all to paraphrase Dexie's midnight runners. Come on, Arlene. She's just raging she's no longer relevant enough to be name checked in a kneecap.
Ah here, ref what nothing happened. You see, Matt, my approach to football is the same as my approach to economic stuff I don't get. I just parrot sand bites and hope nobody asks any follow up questions. Listen to me, Paris! Gordy's on the brain. Right, I'm risking it. I'm going to the loop.
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What happened? It's over. What happened? We lost, hey. So that's it, no more crack, no more jokes about naming the airport after Troy. Never again. No more celebration or catastrophic national disposition for depression manifesting in chronic abuse of alcohol.
As a distinct cultural heritage. What? Oh, the poor young lads and huns. But we have to look at the bright side. Mr. Bright side! No. What then? At least there's still the fuel crisis for us to rage about. Performative fury. That's all we've got to look forward to now. Aye. Jesus and Jerry wept. Oh check, please. Ah, check. That's very funny. Zeppers.
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¶ Irish Identity and Poetic Musings
Hello, it's Tommy here. The quiet should whisper very well. That ruled further and further up my head each time you see me like a sort of Connemara Yarmulka. Or a lamb's wool, foreskin, ha cracked Loud and inappropriate Tommy is here as well, and you know, like we're discussing you! deluded dreams of a nation and the land of many names. Yes. Czechia the Czech Republic, Czechoslovakia, Czech please. Ha man, quiet tummy I suppose like what does any of us like ha do you know mean?
Tommy. Jocks are going to Stuttgart riding on a Billy Goat's back while listening to the horse lips, not the van. Go ahead. The lips of a belly fermit horse singing Put Em Under Pressure. Woohoo! Beautiful, but what does it say about us? Mortgage the house for a ticket mentality, d'inno. We're like an island asylum lunatics clinging to a mossy rock in the Atlantic. Right. Wrap my Mickey in a banner that says Angela Merkel thinks where it worked. Yo God.
There's poetry in that, isn't there? No. So what you're saying is we we define victory. Yes. Not by winning, but uh by something more ephemeral like like you like like like like like powerful like like a song you heard. In a dream or like like like a farch at a funeral. No, Tommy, what I'm saying is pick my R screen, stick a flare between me hairy cheeks, and point me towards King Charles You're sort of saying like it's our post.
This colonial misery bursting out of her bones with the unrestrained mockness, you know the joy what's he saying of a spring lamb whose wool might someday become a tiny fisherman's hat atop a wistful navin chatho presenters. Cranium like NOW you have it! Oh Leo lay me down in a bed of Canbury roses and let triparts peck around for the nutty ones. You boss powerful turnfrit. D'y know do you mind if I just pause the interview and stare at you with watery eyes?
For an uncomfortable amount of time. You do you, quiet and wistful Tommy, but I can't stop. I'm like a shark. If I ever stop lipping around and contorting myself like an electrocuted Morris dancer, shouting traveller jump! I'll drown for sure! Yeah, cause like football is like a lot like life. Really isn't it? Is the match over, by the way? Did we win? Jesus, did we win? I dunno. I spent the night watching, you know, moss on a stone wall slowly absorbing the morning dew and the concept.
Of its own mortality, d'inno? Can I just say lesbian
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¶ The Panel Show Parody
Wait, sorry, what was the question again? Every week Fionan Sheehan, Alison O'Connor, Dan O'Brien, Brett.
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O'Connor, Jared Howlin, Brenda Power, and David Quinn. Distinct formats, the radio panel, the TV panel.
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to be a radio panel, the newspaper panel, the can you handle the panel panel?
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and nearly answering them in a broadly samesies way.
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We need to have a
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He's kicked the biggest.
Further down the road.
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Corny house for another one of these Please don't mention yokes in relation to news talk. They're in enough trouble with the hash machine as it is like Irish Pan. Whatever about
The optics are terrifying.
Aggressively agreeing with one another. Can I come in here? Because I just have to say I really agree with what Dan has just said. If I could just finish, I was actually about to say I also agree.
Panelists pretend.
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Journalists invoking serious questions. There is questions to be answered. That won't be answered here. That issue will have to wait for
Another day.
interjecting on behalf of people who aren't listening to the program and have no intention of taking legal action. Furnace Benjamin Netanyahu isn't here to defend himself.
We've won minus here.
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Irish.
Then fresh outrages fresh.
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¶ Fan Voicemails: Post-Defeat Support
Hello, you've reached Hamer Al Grimson's phone. Please leave a message after the tone and I will get back to you once the pain has subsided. Always the pain.
Hamer! Hamer! Story, lad! Hard look in the match there, lad! Penalties are the pits, boy! I nearly webb myself. I was so nervous, Max. Yeah, that might have something to do with the eight pints of cider you had, lad. He wouldn't believe how hard it is to find bulmers in Prague. Lad.
Come here, Heimer Done the nation proud. Thank you, on behalf of all the lads in their late thirties still squeezing themselves into Aircom jerseys. Swear to God, I feel like Marie Antoinette bet into a corset. Let them have pints, lad. Hamer, well done. It's Patty here. You were amazing. Not the result we wanted, but listen, don't go anywhere,'cause we've a slot on the late, late show. Boys in grief.
Special you troy sham as a box of tissues and me crang more than any other show. Sorry, call me back, let's do this because if there's one thing we excel at as a nation, it's bittersweet homecomings dripping in platitudes like You gave us something to cheer about amazing. Let's hear it one more time for true Oh I care Octorant Catherine calling.
I just want to share my commiserations about last night's defeat to Checkia. Such disappointment. But you lacked depth on the binge, if you don't mind me saying Alan Brown and Robbie Brady are crops. Next time give me a ring. They don't call me the Cantona of Chantilla for nothing. I'll even do a flying kick if Michael D shows up Berbuer.
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from New York
Saturday night! No, no
¶ Cultural Commentary and Media Trends
It's actually marching in the morning. No, you're on my show right now. Live from Montrose, it's Jay Fanning here in Gold. Yeah, how are you doing? Gold sponsored by Mothballs. Haha Glass Houses. Mr. Lyric FM. I've heard the prune juice adds. Come on, yeah. Let's discuss all things culture, Mr. Fanning. A new SNL was launched, the British version. Yes, hosted by Tina Faye and our monologue was just a bunch of different British accents to be fun. It was hilarious.
Nailed every regional peculiarity. More please! Then they did a sketch where a British comedian did a bunch of Irish accents. Outrageous, completely inaccurate and offensive. Shut them down. No Irish comedians unless of course you're counting Graham Norton himself. Novelist presenter and a massive plonker. Sorry, excuse me, what? Because of his wine gig. I love his Sauvignon Planck. Nicola Cochlin was the other Irish on the show, of course, as well. We should call that woman microplastic.
Sir Why? Because she's an absolutely everything now. What else is happening? Claudia Winkleman has a new chat show. Another one. She already presents traitors, crops. The great British sewing bee, head and shoulders at she's hoovering up every gig going. She's the two Johnnies of British telly. There I said it. Yeah, very good. And of course the first episode of her chat show was so bad she told people not to watch it and it got
Trounced. Mind you, I've hosted many, many shows I wish you could endor Trelete from everyone's memory. Deleted, yeah, but of course she did have Nile Horn and Joanne McNally in her second show. And now everyone loves us. God the Irish. I know. We just show up everywhere, don't we? As reliably as the racist relative in every family WhatsApp group. Ah, for God's sake. There's also this mad story about Chapel Roan. Have you heard this one, Marty? No, should I care? But she's at war with Jude Laws.
Well if the pop star was hogging the toast carousel, then I'm with the child. No no, what? But anyway the row has been raging in all the news sites all week. It's online, it's on TikTok. Who cares, Dave? Right. Riveting! I know! I want to know everything. Get her cousins on the phone and the principal of her old school. Everyone She even auditioned for Eurostar, hosted by Linda Martin herself. Oh, a reminder of Eurovision, which is all dead now. Makes Marty. Good luck.
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¶ Harris Maxing: Political Satire
E gather round. Spin team, the Alpha Harris is in the room. Pew pew! Minister Cornish down! We're here to assess whether I'm in danger of slipping into beta territory. What are the markets saying about my vibes? Polymarket has you a 31% probability of being described as convincing by maybe Christmas. Wow, that's huge. That's that's nearly half believable. It's more like less than a third. Uh I don't do trigonometry. We're Harris maxing people. Good job.
It's Harris Max again. It's when you you you dr uh you lock in on alpha governance. Lock in. Well the good news is that the way people see you seems to be a direct reflection of your media engagement style. Which is? Confusing, unc adjacent as you near forty, and overextended with too many clashing roles in politics. Yeah, yeah, wasn't listening. I was thinking up how to define Harris Maxing. It's the fact that I'm Minister for Finance.
Who's also Thornista, Fenugue leader, and anti-immigration hobbyist. It's the classic accumulator combo, Audi driving, gambling dads just. Perhaps if you drop one of those positions people would have a clearer idea of what you do. Then how would people know how important I am? No no no. I think I'll continue taking on more duties. I've been doing something with excise duties. I did. Is that good? What is it? It's a tax on fuel.
Yes. You know few cards. Revenue. I knew that. Yes, I was just testing the room. However, you did almost nothing for families relying on home heating oil. Bunch of kerosene cooks. The lot of them. The cruelty of that move is polling really well with men who have pictures of cars as their profile photo. My dream demographic. How I just want them to love me. Somebody measure my clavicle.
I want more Harris Maxing thoughts. Maybe if you delivered things like your promise of two hundred euro a week child care consider that suggestion blocked. You pledged a roadmap on achieving it by day one hundred back in office. Okay, what day is it now? The promise is 330 days overdue. Whatever, I'm a fast talking manosphere high achiever. I'm too busy to actually do this stuff.
What about making a decision on that seven hundred million euro VAT cut for hospitality in the summer? Well, I'm as vat curious as the next dude, but I can't you turn on that. No struggling businesses like Burger King and McDonald's need that saving. Um it's mac maxing. But you you turn on everything else. Didn't you even promise three fighter jets like a year ago? Pew pew yes
Where are they? Lost in a haze of commitments you've been asking Google for the right to be forgotten on. Even though there's no need, journalists can't remember any of your reversals anymore. They don't even mention your scoliosis, Shane. I'm so tired. Well at least I delivered on my social media ban for under sixteen. Also a year ago and no you've totally demolished that pledge, it's you turn maxing.
It wasn't a U turn, it was an agile pivot. Very Silicon Valley bro energy. People are also tired of you announcing things already announced, Thornishone. Anyway, how's the J C M data looking?
JCM?
Jennifer Carl McNeil. Her children's hospital has missed eighteen deadlines. Disgraceful. Eighteen. I think that's why they called it COVID nineteen, no? Oh why are you so obsessed with her, man? Soon Zoo said to know your enemy in the art of war. He did? I mean, I haven't read it. But ChatGPT summed it up for me in five amazeballs bullet points. Pew pew! I read three of them. She's polling better than you. What? How?
What is her secret? As far as we could see her winning PR tactic is to remain mostly quiet and only speak when it's about her specific breeze. No, she's quiet, mogged me. Toats. Well, in that case I I will have to be silent. Oh He's what's he How long did I last? You barely pause for a breath. Okay, team, final question. Am I believable as a man in finance yet?
You're becoming
Yeah. Fine, that will do. And Ed Smill is the new believer.
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