Meek Martin's quiet word with Trump

Their native language, Mr. President Sorba. But you look I'll just sit here and be quiet for most of this. You can lagard away for forty minutes. I won't be interrupting you. You look like a crumpled piece of tissue paper. Are you okay? It's like the chair is eating you, uh it is my default position. Subjugated and ready to

Ready to die for Ireland. Well, for Ireland's exports of stiffy pills and fat jabs. He told me there were twenty-three previous presidents of Irish heritage. All of them drug. Can you believe that? I'm the greatest, most sober president ever. A lot of people say that the most syphilis

Ever, they say. Some of the greatest leaders in our country had the French disease, trust me. Godaboff. I hate the French. Little Macron, he'll be out of office soon. What a loser he is. I won't correct you, he's not worth losing one data center over. Don't mind me. I'll try a dry smirk here for a while.

Tato, did you say Tato? I might have to step in here in terms of NATO, that's right. They've done nothing after everything I've done for NATO threats mainly in smack dog. Phew, NATO. No that's grand. Iran. Iran's an evil, horrible country. The worst. Knock yourself out, nothing to do with me. They were about to bomb Europe.

Europe Nuclear Which is overrun with immigrants to Europe, the worse ones, not the odd ones for marrying. Ireland too, it would have been nuclear. Bombed. Bombed to bits. Mr President, if you ever want to bomb us, we'll write up a tax break for it. I'm at your service.

And the UK with that nasty Keir Stammer. Well shite, this is my bit coming up, isn't it? Where's me notes? Am I sitting in them? They'll be all damp now with me all mitered and tempted. That's right, Keir Stammer, he's no Churchill. He was a real man, Churchill. In a BMI they should have killed him when he was thirty. Can I look like a boiled ham. I like my prime ministers to be racist.

And poor sign. Kier is no Churchill. He's not even a little bit racist. He's not even trying. Could I say something here? No, can I say that? Quiet please. Let Meekly Martin speak. Go ahead, you got two minutes. Okay. No, I know this is basic stuff, but I expect I'll be hailed a hero at home. If I just say that Keir Starmer is actually grand after two pints like and also immigration is not too bad in Europe. Shoving them into quasi slum conditions is a whole new way we can make millionaires.

And we love millionaires and making millionaires. Absolutely. And billionaires. Oh yeah, yeah, they're the last people still voting for us. And can I say I think I've said enough now Uh a bit of we has come out, so I won't be intervening again. Unless you go total totally balloons. That's okay, Ukraine. I don't like Ukraine anymore. They won't help us. It's not like they're busy or anything. I've done my bit, I'll be pleading the fifth, as you say. Who else?

Obama, he was the worst. Saddam Hussein Obama, that was his name. Look it up at his birth, sir, if you can find it. He's an awfully man, not worth me getting into a tizzy about Joe Biden, the sickest of them all, totally crooked, very sleepy, and blood. He's dead. If he is, I don't know. A lot of people are talking about it. I don't know. I'd be saying nothing about this either in terms of The BBC such a corrupt

Fake news, lies network, total fraud. They're the worst Brits. Mr President, the Irish president said your war in Iran is illegal. Sorry, who said who he said what? Who is he? The Irish Well he should be more thankful that I'm here. I don't know the man. Who is this guy? Don't look at me. She hardly expects me to defend her after all her attacks on us. Hashtag not my president. He's a real piece of work this male this

Stupid dude. What a dumb bro he must be. Ironically, we could have had a man present. You'd have liked him too, a grubby landlord like yourself. Okay, let's wrap this up. Oh thank God, I've survived, I gave it he shook longer than Div after this. Woo! I can't wait to go to the Irish Open in Dunbeg and insult some other leaders and countries on Irish soil in the falls. Well at least I'll get another summer out of it anyway. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Effigies of Jesse's rivals, Emma Stone and Kate Hudson, were burned in the town square, along with a scarecrow of Timothy Chalamet. made by the local Bally Ballet Society for the occasion. Elsewhere in Cork. Ugly scenes at the Killer Parade as locals driven demented by repeated plays of Kingfisher's song Killer threatened to be crowded. The land they call Killer and the Lard up above. The band was put into witness protection for the afternoon.

Along with amble out of an abundance of caution. Plastic sheeting. La la la la la la la la la la la la. Rapidly retreating. Hark. The Clundauken Residents Parades Committee admitted to accidentally spending a lot of money ordering a Jim Gavin float. Thinking he would win the presidency. But in the true spirit of Jim Gavin, the money was not returned and the parade was cancelled weeks before it began. In Swords, several people were arrested for impersonating guns.

on the back of a Bedford TK330 Diesel 5-speed flatbed, until it turned out the arresting officers were themselves members of a local fourth class drama group Playing Guardi, who got a huge cheer from the crowd. And then it emerged they were actually trying to steal the vintage lorry and were subsequently arrested by more Guardi arriving on the scene. Whereupon the real Guardi were recognized as actual members of the force. Onlookers pelted them.

Buns, inadvertently handed out earlier by a Donabate hens shed. The local superintendent. Carda, real and dramatic would receive overtime for the

How do you rate the Tishik's performance in Washington? He's getting a lot of praise for not folding like a deck chair. Oh it's all meehaul, meehaw, meehaul. He did fine, okay? He may not have folded, but he certainly cowered with all the posture of an insecure shrimp. A seating position I made famous, may I add.

Trump would be praising my anti immigration attitude, which I think we can all agree is what the Irish diaspora would have wanted on that holy of holy day. It's quite the opposite in reality. Mihal went toe to toe with Trump on European immigration. Each to their own. I would have gone lips to feet with Trump. With Trump myself. But Mihal, much like a brazen refugee, entered territory that did not belong to him. Immigration. That's my turf, Mihal.

Any further attempts to encroach on my talking points will be treated like an asylum request. Tonish the I thought your turf was finance and serving pointless VEEP energy, AKA taunished them. But any real journalist would know that finance minister duties include economics, immigration, soundbites and show his opinions. What? Which leads me to my next point.

Congratulations to Jesse Buckley. Though I haven't seen the film, I do appreciate a ham net. Works very well for holding together my cooked meats as part of my paleo diet. Paleo Speaking of your duties as finance minister. What are the latest updates on your proposed

State savings scheme. I'm working on it. It's a super reliable, super investment opportunity that you would be a fool not to get on board with. I was inspired to do my own investment opportunities after seeing a very helpful documentary called The Manosphere. Soon the Irish people will be able to save for such life essentials as jet skis, barbaya villas and unfortunate haircuts. Next question. Sorry, but how is the saving scheme meant to work?

Next question. Yeah, what are the details? These questions would indicate that I have to follow up on this plan. Aren't the good vibes enough? No. It's a vibes-based economy. Okay, I will take definite action on this saving scheme.

In a very important way, very soon that will make me look very important. Well, minister By which I mean I'll have advisors put together a list of bullet points explaining how this could work if we do it, which we won't. Terms and conditions apply. So there's no concrete information on A housing question? That's not my brief. I was just Now who wants to ask me about how an Irish designer dresses and Dea on Jimmy Kimmel? That's more my speed. Tonisha! Just fire those vibes at me.

Yes, Prime Minister, it feels like being invited back to the scene of a crime to admire the chalk outline. It was, if I may say so, conceived as a gesture of reconciliation, sir. But it now feels like a gesture of surrender with canopy.

Besides I can't be pictured with that man in the middle of a bloody conquest of the Middle East of all things. On the other hand, that would be rather fitting considering the history of the monarchy. Well you you need to get me out of this, and you're the target of most of his barbs anyway. Right.

He says you're new Churchill, much to your relief, I imagine, not to resemble a chap who's hated from Ireland to India. Well, thankfully I'm only hated in my own country. But your Majesty, for the benefit of English American relations, perhaps you could endure it with a Stiff upper lip grit a bearet or perhaps some other

Facial related euphemism? No, one has to draw the line somewhere, old boy. He said some truly unforgivable things in public. Even though it conjures up fond memories of my dear papa. Look. It is true he suggested British soldiers avoid the front line in Afghanistan, which is quite the accusation from someone who dodged Vietnam. Dreadful. A level of hypocrisy right up there with a w with a human rights lawyer jailing peaceful protesters.

Forget I said that. How on earth did you get me into this? I mean it's whatever the opposite of a victory lap is. Something akin to my first year in government, I imagine. Sir. What? There will be a A carriage procession, if you could just Oh splendid, nothing says modern partnership like a horse drawn reminder of imperial overreach. Are you mad? I think you're up to the job of representing us, sir. You are the face of

Calm of resolve and of too much tannins at tea time. Perhaps one could approach it by appearing aloof the whole time as if I'm there but Reluctantly, sir. There you go. Sort of like every photo of Harry and William standing next to me as children.

That's the spirit, sir. The Brits have our own weaponry too. Passive aggression. But let us be clear. If he raises the war, I shall nod gravely and blame you. Naturally. If he raises the late military assistance, I shall blame you again. That's entirely appropriate. And if he asks Why one is there at all Yes? I shall tell him I was sent by a chap in a high viz jacket who looked gravely concerned. Well well, that would be consistent with government messaging.

All right, my Mary Lunatic's cunning tow shiv. I'm a wreck, stayed up until the small hours to watch Jesse Buckley win. Oh yeah. Since Monday. Shame about her mother's day in the UK, gaft. Does it count if she threw in the cup of fuckle at the end? I mean who among us hasn't completely U-turned on a policy and made it okay by adding a slorn sleigh at the Gerinoch?

It was a quiet paddy's day for us. No James Connolly corned beef breakfast with Irish American donors, hey. Mash, I stand over our decision not to travel. Moral arc of the universe and all that jazz.

It's not reunification, it's consolidation. That's good. Someone booked me on Bloomberg, yeah. Maybe next year I must say the surge in energy prices has given me great cause for some righteous anger in the Dow. It's a disgrace, Tisha. A total disgrace. Foolish with the Operation Epic Fury. We lost our cachet on housing. Now we're just yelling the same things on repeat. We need to arrest our slide into irrelevancy with some moonshot plans. Okay.

Well I've got a lot of ideas on policy if you want to discuss them. Kimmy Chalamet, loads of buzz, but ultimately always going home empty handed. Right, that's me done. See ya, ma'am. You're still dead to me, Lulu. Bye everyone. See ya.

To smear an older woman doing kippee uppies in the style of Catherine Conley. There was much laughter when it emerged the smearing involved a red paste made from strawberries. Connor Kane, Wexford. Fuel prices meant a satirical Flintstones team for Kilmalik and Limerick with vans, trucks and cars been driven by barefooted cavemen sorry, local residents who instead of using their engines, pushed their feet through the bottom of their vehicles and ran down the main road.

Grand marshaling the parade was former prison officer and traitor star Paudy Maloney in his Fred Flintstone outfit from Dancing with the Stars, using his As a truncheon to fend off excited fans. Westport County Mayo had an unusual parade this year to celebrate the town producing 100% of the world's supply of Botox.

The performers, floats, or vehicles moved, remaining frozen, much like the expression of Nicole Kidman or any of the middle-aged Hollywood actors currently morphing into late stage Michael Jackson face. Ring A Skitty, County Cork, the world's largest producer of Viagra, joined in on the pharmaceutical fun as their theme was rising stars, celebrating local talent in every sense of the word. Pat McGrath

Ooh. Here in the North West, the smallest parade was held in the village of Drumbalport and County Litron, with all six of the residents woken from their home to the local pub at twelve forty five this afternoon. Two of the residents had to eject the other four from the pub following a row at 2.30 pm. A good time was had by all. A disappointing parade for the people of Caventown who chose the theme Wicked for Good.

The entire lineup from last year's parade was wheeled back out again to celebrate the disappointing musical sequel and in an on-point bid to save money. Sherheen painted a shade of green on the Nord's waist.

I had to leave my hilarious Hiroshima Limerick for another day. Too sad. What a shame I forgot to do my potato famine routine for the mix. Can I ask about the war? The war is going really well. It's not a war they tell me. Sure looks like a war we're spending a billion a day, a billion the biggest ever, the most expensive not war.

Of all time. I sure hope Pete Heggseth has a plan,'cause I do, I do, and it involves firing Pete Heggseth when it all goes to Shiite. Is Netanyahu the guy? Netanyahu is totally not in charge. I'm the one I alone decide. when and whether to do the war things that he tells me to do which I do out of choice.

Always my bottom line. I've got all the power. I'm like BB's power bottom really. How long We won't say when the war will end, that would ruin the surprise. We don't want Iran to know what we're doing. They say, What are you planning, Mr. President? Can't tell you. We can't let Iran know, the one thing for sure is that we don't know what we're doing, so Iran will never know either. It's genius, they say, a lot of people say genius. Thank you, have a great weekend everybody. Thank you.

You stuck it to the man this week. Alas no I wanted to be sent to Syria for Patrick's Day, but the Thishuk would only deny me. Dehort. I feel so cooped up in this house I pleaded with Anthysik to send me abroad if I could not become a voice for peace.

Maybe I could become a voice for Greece or La Suisse. Very good. But my duties kept me here to mark Patrick's Day. Uh now it's Saint Patrick's Day. You're only riling up the neocons. Just call him Saint, will you? He most certainly will not. He was Patrick first. It's like the Unionist Knipchin when I said Derry and not l I can't say it. Wa hand'tis only a prefix like please I just don't do them. I can only call them fixes as well. It was Derry first and foremost.

We shouldn't add things on just when stuff happens in history. Like should we change the name of Offaly since the arrival of Barack Obama Plaza to Chicken Fillet Roll Offaly? I think the Beffos actually love that, to be fair. And it's been a difficult couple of days, Mick. I was lambested. And mischindrut by Donald Trump to say I was a man?

And that I was lucky he existed appalling. Happens to me all the time. From behind you see I look like a beautiful woman. Oh gosh. Now I'm in a hurry, so I'll get to the pint. Yes. I was wondering if you thought about your council of state yet? Well I'm s I've been very busy, you see. I really haven't thought about it at all. I had to visit the Lakeland Bird Sanctuary because I promised to become a voice.

For geese. For geese. But look I have a lot of experience that was also a national tree week a fortnight ago and that was a lot of organizing. You mean trees, not the trees. Look at you're stallin' it's been four months.

Just announce me and Claire. I'm tired of hiding at the zoo president. They keep trying to mate me with one of the calibus monkeys. No, please, would you excuse me? I can't I have to stop housekeeping from ironing the cartons again upstairs. What? After all, I pledge to become a president and a voice. Ah, this is hair. Can I just ask one?

Welcome to the program of Joined As Ever by the Indistinguishables, my sidekick. Still suffering the effects of the Six Nations hangover boss. Three rugby matches in one day where they're trying to kill us. Score the wrong bird. No man, I cheered for England. Yeah, for a brief moment it looked like England might do us a favour and beat France.

So we were You were slate in the team calling for Andy Farnes resignation a few weeks ago only. Yeah, but that was before I realised all the other teams are shy too and that we were in with a chance of being, you know, the least shite. Yeah, fair. However, we did win our fourth Triple crown in five years, lads. No one cares about winning epoxy silver plate. Yeah, it looks like somebody you'd win at a point-to-point horse race. So rugby is dead to you.

Now man, we're rebooting USA ninety-four in Trump's America, baby. Who are you? Two fascists. Too furious. That's right, less than a week away from the biggest Irish match in a decade. Will it be checkmate or game over? What? Over, like Navratilova. Yeah, no. You know, Mirislav Kubek. Don't rate us. Sorry, who? The check manager is supposed to know this. Ah, here, look, man. This matches like the early episodes of the traitors. I'm not learning anyone's names if I don't have to.

So long as you know the country's called Chechia now. You what? I knew that. Yeah, it's like Morrow becoming boost all over again. Wow, mind blow. Anyway, I can't wait. Come on, Ireland! Hoy big Can you say it like that? Dunno man, Twitter's dead. Lads Are we just taking it for granted that we'll beat Czechia, even though they're ranked above us? We've a rake of injuries.

Even that yoke poly market thinks they're gonna beat us. Very few rate us. Look at cold hard facts are not accepted here. Dululu vibes only. Yeah. Who's winning on tour C? Orleans? And where are we going? America! Who's gonna pay for it? News tour! Um actually lads. The Germans have already said no. What? It's nine. Anyway, coming up the GA lead. Is it still on? Are we meant to care? We'll find out.

Well this week Barry all eyes were on Tsuk Mihal Martin as he travelled to Washington to perform the annual humiliation that is the Shamrock. Ceremony. Political correspondents sharpened their keyboards, were ready to pounce on any faux pas. It turns out all he had to do was smile gormlessly, stay silent, and scarlet for half an hour, and the Irish press.

S. Corps fell onto their knee halls, ha heaping praise on the Forever Thieche, who's as popular as salt and vinegar flavours in a Taito sandwich. That's right, Mihaw Martin's most recent approval rating thirty seven percent, well below Trump's

Forty three percent flop line. Yes, which means Michal's roughly on what Joe Biden was on during his afternoon nap. Indeed, Mihal spoke so softly that Trump had to wish the entire room just so people could lean in and hear the corkman speak in such a nervous squeak. that only the brain worms in R FK Junior's head could hear him. Are our standards for politicians now so low that a man

Shirking back in a chair and hoping nobody notices him counts as a notable moment of diplomacy as one wag hysterically put it. Wow. One is left wondering if the high frocking Fructose, corn syrup and yankola has gone to their heads, Mihal. I know, it's hard to believe these were the same journalists feasting on leaks from Finafal meetings calling for Mihal's shrunken head just a few months ago.

Whatever happened to that Eve? Well my sources tell me Fino Fallett went into a Christmas turkey coma not long after the Jim Gavin report was issued and forgot all about why they even exist. And this hyper puffing now of such a weakling politician means that any minute James Lawless will be seen as some sort of

Swaggering Libertine. Though it must be said that Miha, like many's the lad after an electric picnic, can expect a serious come down when he gets home. He's facing the Kole on the cost of living, rising fuel prices, the housing crisis, of course, which his government is doing so. sweet flip all on unless you count James Brown schmoozing with property developers and fund managers in Cannes. Once again Finifall hell bent on making builders a fortune. It's back to the future.

And they've sent George McFly on a sun holiday to sweat out his career prospects in the south of France. But it's all ahead of Michal on his return. He'll have a serious case of the Glen. That's for sure. The podcast has ended. Go in peace. So long from me, Harry Lahanahan. La Hannah Hannah Han. Lahan and Barry will do. Or how about Bar Hall Lena Lahan?