Callan Kicks 2024

Want this a review of the year? Well if this program isn't funny, Sinn Fein is calling for Orchy to be investigated for crimes against humanity. Callin kicks 2024. I say it'll be all about Trump back. About him. But at long last a hotelier is finally running the country. Oh, I'll be cancelled. It was a year of retirements, doll spies, swifties, and elections. The stage was set for a Harris meeting another Harris in the White House next Patrick's Day. Okay, okay.

Until American Harris finished second and last year, That's right. Dara got it done! And Heather was done. The big star of the year though was T. Old medals and some of them were bronze. However, only Simon Harris thinks turn place. Oh the wee scot, hey. It was a year we were all mortified by the At the Dublin Portal, broadcast to Americans. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was caught.

up to the Iranian regime. That's why they should have put the portal into dock when our Finegel candidate is involved in a shimozzle. Beam it in to every war torn poor country. Immigration would Up in the morning. Thank you very much. Let's just get on with reviewing the year in the name of the just to put us out of our misery. Just as myself and Joe will be put into a deposit return machine in twenty twenty-five. No, don't mention the poxy machines that everybody hates. We're so bad.

Rather than abused after all our war the machine probably wouldn't take us.

And in terms of I suppose I should thank you, Courtiche. TikTok Tish, how dare you? You know, for making such a hames of your campaign, you managed to make Fina Fah look like a safe pair of hands. No, no, no. And I've lost count of all the times we wrecked the country, like And I should thank Leo for retiring and making me look popular. Very popular. You know he taught me so much.

How to look old even when you're young How to be awkward with normal people And how to stay in power even when you've delivered Finaguel's worst result in living memory. Allegedly Bluck Your moment of the year in terms of No no no no. It really was the icing in the cage. Look, I was only rude and bored with that woman because I was tired.

But you can't have a campaign about new energy if you're wrecked after a twenty minute meet and greet. Ugh. I really, really didn't think that slogan through. Ah, don't worry, we'll find you something to do as well. Astonished. No no, parity of steam, parity of steam. I cannot be the knot peace. I've too much main character energy. I'm Paul Beskell, not Barry Kogan. Uh look at the country needs a wily owl langer at the controls. Sure when Trump takes over in a couple of weeks?

He's going to take all the multinationals home with him. You see, it's very important. Ireland relies on tech companies. That's why we need a TikTok teach who understands all the latest trends. Added the trends. You, for example, don't know that Interclerb. We are Thab. Sadly no, I do. I know all the hashtags. Remember Brac summer? That's not what I was. We used to only have it at Halloween, and they were all there eating Brac in July. Imagine Brac.

Summer. Ah, the youngsters, I guess, altogether. Oh, MG, I can't even. I can't even And I can't wait to take over when it all goes to shite. I'll get to the one thing I missed out on when we crashed out of office in twenty eleven. Austerity. In March came the end of the ledge bag era when Leo Varadkar, remember him, stepped down as Thishuk. Initially there was shock.

And Leo showed little emotion. Although he never really did. He'd been showing even less since he turned forty-five, and his eyebrows mysteriously froze in that corpse-like gaze of his. Everyone wanted to know was there a Leo scandal looming? There wasn't. Only the cold hard logic of not wanting to give as many Leo haters the satisfaction of seeing him flunk any more elections. In the end he barely managed four years as he jooked.

Two if you include time off for clubbing, not going to work till eleven, many holidays and smack talking poor people. His legacy though will always be his iconic way of staring awkwardly at us with his resting rich face, while Finegale turned basic shelter into a money machine for tax-dadging investment funds. He finally showed some humanity at the end, but only by feeling sorry for himself as Leo limped out of office through songs. I think I better leave.

Ah you'd have fair few gaffes in your day. Welfare cheats. But my lowest point. Even if you're not sure. Love me now, I'll always have reelings. My leg. Dog suckers. Shout out.

Ah, and nobody's heard from him since. By October, the talk was all about who the dull spy codenamed Cobalt was. Fina Fall met in the shadow of retirements and spending scandals, like the outlandish nine million allocated in the budget for mobile phone pouches in schools, and the now totally tiresome talk of whether an election will be held this year or next. Oh my god, I've spent my life following this trivia. Mihalahan, regretting life's decisions, ah just roll the bloody sketch.

All right, come on now, come on. Point of order, Senator Timothy Dooley Thonistdev. What is it, Timmy? Nice but dim. I wish to confirm to the parliamentary party that I am not, nor have I ever been, a Russian spy. But Timmy, Vladimir Putin wouldn't send you to a centre for a scratch card like I just want to clarify that I am not COBOL. That's what a spy would say. We'll take that back now. Norma Folga has my phone.

Phone, maybe she's the spy. Boo Kaldona. As punishment for that now, I'll go canvassing with you in finger. Fair miss I will be run out because of your epoxy pouches policy. Chuck your shirt in now, boss. I just want to say that this is a historic election for Fina Fall. Is this because we're running on a genuine unionist slogan? No, because the party finally says goodbye to the remains of the Devil Era and Hahee dynasties.

Farewell drinks for deputies O'Quiave and Hohee will be held in the swanky new security pavilion. A million quid on that tiny shed, Charlie would have been proud. Brings a tear to me eye, just like the first time I tasted taco sauce on a pizza. If you could all remember to bring the two euro next week.

We can make sure they get a proper send off in batches of five at a time'cause the security hut is limited in space. Thank you, but let's not get ahead of ourselves, you know. There are a lot of things we done before an election. I mean the finance bill is to go through committee. We've no idea how long it might take to cover it in grease stains, accidentally leave it on a train, get it back from the train. The deputies have to vote by passing through the lobby.

Somebody always gets snagged and has to be cut out of their Pamela Scott Cardigan. Then an assistant secretary has to get past Michael D.'s dogs and listen to a few hours of him ranting about Israel before he signs the blessed thing. In terms of it is hard to know if he can call an election this year at all at all. Sì! Sì! Sì! Sì! Sì! Sì! Sì!

Sniff the election! Sniff it now! Matty! Let the dog see the rabbit! Let the mouse out of the house! Let the bullet the heifer! Yes, why are election metaphors? I was so smutty! You're demented people! Have you no care for demented hilt? The ballot box... Blue from the lack of action. Tarister, Tarister, let the hell down on the pound. Let the hell down.

So what all I do is I put the sparklers to be coastlow and I ring it in with the Where on Des Well? Let's go ahead there. Oh yeah. Um'tis the season for looking back Oh You alright? It was an unusual one for the G A. with most of the headlines happening away from the pitch. And under investigation by revenue, the PSNI or the criminal courts. What? No. Ado. Anyway, it started with a row over renaming Parky Cleve Supervalue Park.

But after interventions from the Cork Thornisha and Joe Duffy, they settled on super value parky quive literally the worst of both worlds. I once considered rebranding after my own big scandal. Oh yeah, after the free reno, was it Marty? What no no i it was about the one time I accidentally went on the telly without my fake tap. Wow. Honestly, without those awkward tones.

I look like a a swollen Dave Fanning. Jeepers, I did the Sunday game without hair dye once. Uh interestingly I was so grey and erect in appearance I looked a bit like well, an inflated Dave Fanning as well. Oh never again, Des Yeah. I keep a bottle on me at all times now. Otherwise it wouldn't let me onto one of our private darts for cooler. Moving on, there were sweeping changes to the Gaelic football rules. So over the next few months anyone going to matches will get a QR code.

So they can give feedback to Crock Park. Yeah, no, I can't see fellas who go to Games and Clonus with their pajamas still on under the suit being able to get their head around it. Or or you even, Marty, I mean should you always leave the torch on in your phone in your trousers pocket? Oh no no, Des! That's not a talk.

Well yeah. Oh god right. Anyway, thanks Marty. And well done on not mentioning Kyle Hayes. Or the Armad Team Holiday. Aye carrum Oh Jesus. It was a fantastic year in the League of Ireland. A sentence I've literally never said before. Bri Kerr is here to look back. Brian The International Football Picture was poxy but the domestic league lit up brighter than me taxi cab with me flares on the passenger seat. Record attendances.

And the race for the title was the closest it's ever been. That's right. Shellbourne Pipp the Holders, Shamrock Rovers in the end. Yeah, they're the hoop. Which was also the condition Marty was in after overeating from a chip fan at a county final. Damie Duff, manager of the year? That's right. Oop the duffer! He's a decent skin and he can ride free in my cab anytime. Seriously, Bride?

Provided he's willing to share with three others on a fare to Port Murnock, that is. Yeah. Tired now, thanks. Oh your torch is on there, Marty. Oh no it isn't Yeah. What? It's actually Oh, that's melogen.

Well, Joe, the time has come. How's that? I'm packing up and moving out. Oh, madam, lady vice first president, I'll be sad to see you go. Uh you're going too, Joe. Oh great! Where are we going? I'm going far, far away. No more falling out of coconut trees. I'm gonna be sitting under one and sipping so many cocktails I'll be that drunk I'll sound just as a Jewan sober. been a big year of malarkey for you. Mm-hmm. You started out as an irrelevant V And look at me now ending the year

as an irrelevant Veep. How do we lose that election again? Oh, it was because you refused to withdraw sooner, Joe. No, no, that wasn't it. It was because you were somehow less coherent on TV than I am. Dude, seriously, don't blame me. I became pro-war. Whoa. Pro-gun. I went on Fox News and toured this frickin' country with a glock and a cheney. What more could I do to win over small business owners who just want guns made out of Bibles? Here's the deal.

You even reverse your opposition to fracking. It's no joke, no joke. Truly. But nobody believed me. Cause they all know good black don't frack. Anyway, I'm trying to forget it all, man. Hey! Forgetting is my thing. Seriously, I just wanna bow out all silent and tipsy. Right. Unlike you, who seems hell bent on going out with a controversial bang. I mean

Pardoning your son? Really, Joe? Oh that was a mistake. I was only pardoning the Thanksgiving turkey and the turkey hunters, says I I'm not a turkey plucker. I'm a hunter's plucker's son. Father, uh where you seriously expect us to believe you were just trying to pardon a turkey? Look, everyone's so focused on the hunter pardon malarkey gobble gobble. Forgetting all the good stuff. Good stuff like what? Like that time I tried to bite a kid's leg.

or when I introduced Zelensky as Putin, or when I kept supplying Israel with American weapons. And I supported that. I even call myself Bomala. And I represented older Americans each time I was beaten by Stairs. It's no joke. And I brought the finest word salads this country's ever seen by speaking truth power to my done doings on all my mind journeys.

But in the end what they still voted for a sausage veined felon with a spray tan from a blind beautician. Hey, should I pardon that knucklehead that you chose as You're running mate. You know that's a great idea. Except I don't remember his name. Yeah, yeah, okay. Well anyway, these poor thing we beat we fine What? We finally beat Medicare. Where was I? We better get back at it, Barak. Uh, it's Kamala. We've got an election to get ready for. What? No, Joe, it's uh What?

Oh look, never mind. Who? You know you're a constant reminder Where? That it's the cognitive decline I look forward to the most. What time? Forgetting all the terrible things that happened in 2024. Hear you boy, what day is this? What? Go fetch me the prized turkey from the window. You're just too much, Joe. Too much, man.

All right, Merry Lunatics, our year started with poll numbers in the toilet. Voters turning on us. And it ended with me getting revenge on all my Mary Lou Wallopers by not winning but also not getting whooped. Uh, we lost five percent of our vote, but it could have been worse,'cause the local elections were a disaster. Just like we managed to reverse our positions on nearly every issue. Oh yeah, the Mary Luturns. It got a bit panto there for a minute.

We'll rerun the referendums. Oh no, we won't. Good times. With a grand year up north as well, Michelle O'Neill became first minister. Herself and Patrick Keelchy are the only Norgies that don't frighten free staters. Shame we couldn't achieve all Ireland shinergy and lead the government down south too, but hey ho Uh we can't all be Michelle. Sorry. Michelle's one in a million dollars. Uh I'm right here. Hello. How about the DUPs here? A lot of unpleasantness.

Oh, I do like those kneecap boys. Triggering unionists, making Irish sexy again, and best of all. Taking court cases. That's Mary Lou's love language right there. Oh yeah. Of course we did have three elections, three scandals, two resignations. And Brian Stanley's now an independent tee. It was like a cursed twelve days of Christmas. But we rallied for the general election. Second biggest party, what? That's right, boss. You're the people's uh tarnisher. I even got to recycle my tweedle jeans.

And people say the shinners aren't eco friendly. I mean come on. Hooray? I just can't believe most people voted for Phenophile. It's so gross. I don't get why voters were not excited about our policy of building houses where people wouldn't own the land under them. Or the driveway or something I didn't quite understand any time I was being interviewed. Are we disappointed we didn't do better? Yeah, but I'm secretly delighted that I don't have to go to Washington and pretend I understand Tariff.

Right. Take the next five years off. I know I am. No. Girlfriend, if there's one thing I learned from my very brief time in Fina Fall. It's that there's no need to retire in order to do nothing. What's a Doyle salary for after all? Up the dust. Mary Lou out. Yeah, filthy animals.

Johnny! 2024. This part where we remind everyone used to be on 2 FM led. Till the whole help of us left to go off and endorse supermarket wine and petrol stations. Led. That's right. And now we can do and say whatever we like and be sponsored however we want. With tanks to our friends at Apple Green, who provides us with a very own in studio deli counter. Oh yeah. Lad, I love apple green'cause it sounds like I'm getting fruit when in fact I'm getting pastry wrapped around various meats.

And lad, nothing quenches my thirst after a long day of eating various salted meats. than a cool pint of delicious Murphy stout. Which is what the Yanks do say to us in our GA jerseys in Times Square in the summer, huh? Ha ha ha lad Woo Here, who should sponsor us next? Landis, daybreak. Yeah, it's about time. Gato Swiss rolls, and they're still making them, huh? How about country spring lemonade? What about Sidona flavoured Johnnies?

Silage wrap and sheep tips. Snickers workwear streaked in taco sauce. Girls in oversight. Funny car bumper stickers. To the aura Goramilamak at Yosef. Your Excellency, thank you for the invitation to join you. Maybe for the final time as the powers that be might, maybe, perhaps, allegedly prepare to call time in our career. Eventually one must hand the torch to And then into irrelevance. Speak for yourself. I look forward to a soup son of rest, long lazy days on a massive pension.

Free from serious responsibilities at work. So no change then from your current day to day. How dare you? One is here to recap the wonderful summer of Team Ireland at the Olympic Games. That's right. A record hall of Seven medals, fantastic, especially as the only time you hear record Holland news it so often involves a cargo ship filled with cocaine, drugs, drugs. Four gold and three bronze with an estimated street value up.

Twenty-seven yoyos and a packet of waffles. And incredible performances in the running. Ireland finished fourth in the women's relay final. The final that's mad. We haven't seen an Irish person move that fast with a baton since the Dublin riot. The Olympics Irish people go through incredible feats of endurance. Constantly mentioning medals we failed to win.

And Sonio Nullify was no better. Lydine had a few callers, mainly from people who preferred RT sports when it was a few half cut out fellas with no research and your man with the PR Okie doke company. The games though were all about Irish newfound youthful youthful confidence. Oh well, John, to the beautiful young people in their glistening taut potties being girded before us and those horny-handed fellows

Clutching oars or gliding nearly nude out of the waters. Well Daniel Wiffin nearly came a cropper after an hour in the Seine, and that the Paris waterway absolutely monkey Oh yes. Pute. We can't talk over here. I was at the Liffe swim once. I saw swimmers coming out looking like they'd been licking Chernobyl. Maybe they looked like that before they went in. Only the ones from Longford.

Fair enough. Outside of Ireland everyone was talking about ray gun breakdancing. My what fair play to him. What a thing for a retired. Presidage. No, no. But I thought he died years ago. He did, but there's hope for us all yet. Never mind. Special mention for the commentary on the basketball provided by Cork's Timmy McCarthy. Oh yes, with such poetry as BOM Shaka Laka!

Oh we're going downtown And thanks to the Olympics we also learned the word repeshage for a summer. That's what you'll need when your contract comes up for a new show. Oh no, don't say that. Don't be reminding me. Yeah, one more chance to get through to the next round. One final crack at the wingers. You're after bringing me down now. Oh stop that. I'm miserable and hopeless now.

Just the way I like it. Now I must congratulate the athletes from Iran for representing their wonderful country. Not all of this again, President. J just wrap it up there. Come on, wrap it up. Let us put the star on the oar this tree one last time. All right, okay, but I'm not staying up there for long. What? Oh

Hello, it's Dabbo here. Twenty twenty four was my final year of broadcasting. In fact I retired early as the country's housing crisis descended into a chaos of immigrant tent cities On Mount Street back in April. Between Helen McIntyre making up percentages of people arriving from the north, and Simon Harris declaring success every time he spent hundreds of thousands removing a hand. Only for them to pop up a few yards away again. This really was the Chinese New Year of the Nitwit. Hmm.

Sinn Fein, Labour, and the Social Democrats provided all the effective opposition of an art student wearing a performing scarf and yelling in Trinity College in the hopes of ending the war in Gaza. Your boycott of your vision was a Yeah, apart from the record Irish audience who watched it on telly. Migrant response was bound to end in making three star hoteliers multimillionaires and fencing off the future.

A demoralized and broken guard of force who occasionally lose control of O'Connell Street were left monitoring these fences and tents that were cleared anytime. National rugby match happened, always removed of course in the most over the top and expensive way possible. And so that's why I retired. So stay as well. And happy new year. Alright, members, doon the veils, bit a wish to keep please. I commence here to for this guard a briefing.

an illegal tent encampments. Damn the fake, are we clearing them again, sir, are we? No no no not yet. Howl the horses. Minister McIntyre is monitoring developments and we await her ascertainments adherent to appropriate action. I didn't get a go on the big digger yet, but I go this time on the left. Listen, ye'll all get a go on the big digger. There are plenty of tents to go around. Main time, let's remind ourselves of the relevant legalities pertaining to the aforementioned N camp site.

Statute eleven dash A says what? Uh yeah, anyone at all? It is an offence to erect lads, if we can't mention a single tint erection without you teetering like children. Do the thumbs now, or so help me no one gets a go on the big digger. Hey, the digger, the digger. Paragraph one dash A slash not designates public camping as a as a garden bernard offence My handfa Bernard Public camping is an offence.

And said offence is to be removed and replaced with uh John Paul. Uh offence. Correct. Replace the offending offence with offence. Everyone? There's of any offence with a fence. Chakalore. Further hitherto more. Members shall not erect said fences. Members shall merely man said fences. Or woman defences. Sorry. Uh the Geraldine no offense. No offense for the floor. No, I I meant I hope you didn't take offense. I didn't take any fences. No. I didn't even get a go of taking tents with a big deal.

How come she's getting a It's not your goal on the big diggers, Michael. I'm going on it. You dig on the biggest thing. Okay, Jonas, first of all, it is not called a big digger. The it's a grabbing device. The proper terminological nomenclature is a tactical grab holden effort. What is it? Very good. Now I know it's good crack, lads, but let's not forget this is a sensitive, difficult situation. We are dealing with highly vulnerable individuals.

Which makes our job very difficult because of how often we have to say vulnerable individuals. All together now Yes. Yeah, you see what I mean now. It is nearly as hard as saying a tin of mineral. Big bag of cans by the canal season. We've heard reports young lads and young ones are already testing the fences for weaknesses like raptors in Jurassic Park. So we'll have to come back and do a lesson on that. No running now.

And so, at this special time of year, we must think of the less fortunate. Um there. Just thought about them. That should do it for another year. Enjoy your wonderful Christmas dinner I'm sure your staff have prepared something lovely. Enjoyed the season.

King out. Well, Dammer Boober, another year of top class kinging. I think you mean upper class kinging, my queen, but thank you. Whatever's the matter, dear. It's just ever so quiet. You know, since the Tories left it's all become rather boring, hasn't it? One does miss the scabs, especially the chaotic one, but the hair.

There he is. What was his name? It resembled a badly trimmed mop he used to wipe the floor of a massage parlour. Boris. Boris, quite, yes, I mean That's it. Who even is the conservative leader now? I've been trying to Google it, but the autocorrect is a nightmare with these Poor sign fingers away.

Cammy Baden or can't believe, Mabooba. That's the one. Hmm, gone in the days I could name all the roaring Tory backbenchers. I created a mind palace to associate each one of them with a different scandal. Yeah, this new fellow Keir Starmer has been Rather a drip. Quite. I received him once he got elected to office. Ugh. Elected. What a common thing to do. Yes, July, wasn't it? I remember it like it was the weekend. Whatever that is. Boom, boom. Well done.

Majesty, it is a pleasure. Draymond is but can I begin by saying that you may call me Sakair? My word, and to think when you first came to visit, I expect you to have a cap in hand and Perhaps some soot on your face. Well I may be at night, but my father was a toolmaker. Oh do stop saying that and sit down, would you now tell me y how has it all been going? We've had to make some difficult decisions and my fellow MPs and I have been under fire for accepting some very modest skills.

From from from donors and these people criticized from the outside. But but if the shoe was on the other foot I can assure you, my shoes were accepted in good faith The socks they were a gift, yes. No, no matter what. And and as for the Taylor Swift tickets, that was essential work. Oh. The Swifties have shown themselves to be very dangerous and volatile, and it was vital to meet with them and engage in constructive Twerking.

To the strains of cruel summer as a matter of national security, your Majesty. Summer. Um well, if that's everything. If there's any advice for your humble servant, sir, I would absolutely don't let Liz Truss meet your mother. Sorry, couldn't resist. Well, I meant more in terms of the government. Well you've started with a series of minor scandals and are hard at work cutting benefits to the impoverished

So the transfer of power has been done rather swimmingly. Um I haven't even noticed a blip of change, so well done. Thank you, thank you, sir. How long is your term, Prime Minister? Five years, sir. But o only at your pleasure. Five years, dear oh dear, you've a long way to go to match the previous lot. Sir. Well you're several mistresses behind for stuff.

Have any secret donors paid for a secret wedding yet? No. Wallpaper you're flat? No, no. You haven't even lied to the Crown yet or um prorogued parliament to push through law breaking laws. My sincere apology, sir. I will rectify that as soon as possible. Ha ha ha ha! I remember it. It was terrifically dull. Well perchance 2025 might provide more entertainment. I mean, Mr. Trump is back in office after all in the old colony. Dreadful man. It's going to be capital fun. Yes, exactly.

Didn't he just have a meeting with Prince William in Paris? Oh yes, of course. Mr. Tramp was there for the reopening of Notre Dame. Ah. They slapped a layer of paint on the old relic. And I hear the cathedral looks lovely too. You just dastardly dead. Now here's two years free of any more of your family's embarrassments. Well, thankfully they've exhausted reconstructions of Andrew's newsnight mishap by now. They're obsessed with us. First the crown, now this

Are there any more frightful royal recreations? Yes, there is. Madame Two Swords. Oh. They got the ears all wrong. Oh well, perhaps that's because of somebody's sausage fingers. I duly never to mention. Ha ha You got me again. Oh dear. Oh cheers, Us to one.

Oh, where does the time go at all, Dohy? This time last year cork was just cork. Now it's active. Sker winning core. Ugh, honestly now, they could do it a good flood to put manners on them. You're as bold. It feels like it was only the other day you were here tipping the Swiss roll to make a comeback.

I put one in my jacket pocket to get ahead of the rush. And then it only got dropped from the basket of goods they used for the consumer price index, Francis. Well, I didn't have a crystal ball now, though there is one coming in the Francis Brennan collection, available from January. Air Fryer did make it into the basket, thanks to its presence in nearly every Irish home this year.

It's a bit common, I'm not going to lie, but I suppose they're handy if you're in a hurry. Personally, I don't like clutter on my surfaces. I'm such a Protestant at times. Oh, I'll be excommunicated. It's changed my life. Some of them come with two drawers. You can make chips in one and dry your boxes in the other. Oh, they're all the rage, but then again, so is two timing Sabrina Carpenter. Oh Sidgeisty Feisty Francis. Crash was the low point of the year for you.

Oh the Dublin portal. Dreadful idea. A York in the middle of Dublin that you could see your illegal relatives in New York through. What were they thinking? See them. The Yahoos on Talbot Street were flashing their unmentionables at them. What did the Americans do to deserve live images from the north side?

Well, they elected Trump again. That's right. The world now belongs to Bulchy bros, himbos, crypto creeps, and YouTube dudes. All you have to do is imagine if fans of the two Johnnies had broadband and mobilised them. It's sad, as the portal could have been a lovely opportunity for Culture. Exchanges. Well instead it was like videoing a G A team holiday. None of that carry on would have happened in Khmer, I can tell you that for nothing. Well, unless they put it beside the chip van.

Shippers, I am starving. What? If only I was still wearing the jacket that I hid the Swiss roll in. Oh Doh. Do he? Uh come here to me, isn't it funny now that the greens are gone? Uh none of us are even talking about getting rid of the reasons they lost our seats like the cycle lanes causing traffic gems, the Ben Jack's bottle and Ken's machines. Well, that's because they broke their promises. I don't see any wolves or window box salads that they pledged. Ha ha ha ha!

Full dislocher. I've never actually used those machines. Me neither. I well I'm not a fizzy drinks man, except for the bottles of Elderflower Kombucha. Very good for the gut bacteria, which is also my nickname for the regional independence. Very good.

Plus Michael Lowry, the kingmaker, who would have thought? Also the king of scandal and tax offences. Somehow he's fine, but we won't do business with the shinners. We're hilarious. Like the Irish media, I choose to ignore that fact. Yes, well, facts stand in the way of pensions. Ha ha! Blah. Anyway, you're brave talking about broken promises. You announced in August that forty thousand new homes would be built this year.

You are seven thousand short. I can't believe you made hard the dipity leader. I mean come on. Well it's a super duo. I bring the energy. And Helen sucks it all out again. She's like the silet bang for crack. Bang! And the crack is gone. No, no, no. And the competence. It's just a fetofaller obsessed with our utter scutter ministers. What about your utter scutter ministers?

Well somehow Darrow Bryan got away with making a bags of housing, but we did grind down and destroy Stephen Donnelly in terms of we'll be holding him up as a model for what we plan to do with the regional independent TDs in in cabinet. Exactly important thing is you've got to hide the useless ministers.

Which is what we did with Patrick O'Donovan, the bike shed bucle. So much spending waste. We had to block him from the media. Block, block, block! Yet it is nothing new. Remember the Bertie bowl? Yes. We blew forty-three million on a stadium the shape of Bertie's bulbous head. Wow. I'm sure nothing was ever built.

Thank God,'cause Bertie's head is after getting bigger since. Ha thanks to R. T. rehabilitating him. They'll probably do the same for Leo Varanker next. Ha ha ha Andrew you know the Dahl bike shed should be named in Bertie's honor. Yes. He was mad for money. He botched the country, and we're still Saddled with him in terms of going forward.

Another year of government wages wastage. That's right, RTE reporting on squandering public money. We're through the looking glass here, people. It began with news the OPW spewed three hundred and thirty-six thousand on a bicycle shelter that doesn't keep the rain out. The Office of Public Wasters became a laughing stock, and the junior minister over it at the time, Patrick O'Donovan.

was quick to take full responsibility. Well now that bike shed was a decision made by a clerical officer who sent a ticks to an executive officer who left a vice note for an assistant secretary who faxed the signee who sent me an email and Sherlock I'm only after seeing that email now, so you know yourself. Then reports of an OPW-built security hut that cost over 1.4 million.

They called it a pavilion because it rhymed with million, and once again O'Donovan came out swinging. I don't understand why you keep focusing on my alleged failures. Why can't you focus on my successes? Like my sting operation against the man who's now the leader of my party. Oh wait, hang on. Next came the much hated deposit return scheme for bottles and cans.

Oh woe is Ireland. Hello, my name is Ushin Smith, and that was all my idea. Ireland was the best in the world at using their green bin, but we wanted to punish everyone for the few who weren't. So people can now cut down single-use plastics. Just as they cut down single-term politicians like me. Bye forever!

Refusals to reveal the salary of the Quango's CEO, a botch system that only allows you to claim back your credit at the very location you queued at in the hailstones with your bin bag of shame. and the whole thing designed to favor big drinks companies and large supermarket chains over small operators. The electorate responded by sacking nearly every Green Party T D.

We all hate the scheme for the space it takes up in your house, and how sometimes you try really hard to get rid of the rubbish, but the machine spits it right back at you. Well, if that's not an analogy for Finegale and Finafall getting back into government, I don't know what is. Here's Aim and Ryan for the very last time. Well unfortunately we didn't foresee obvious problems like vagabonds rooting around in bins all day.

So they installed little bin shelves to prevent that, like rings around Saturn. I love planets. I think that's why people say I'm such a spacer. The government was desperate to draw the cartons on overspending until the OPW managed to blow 70,000 euro on actual cartons, and all before we get to the spending nightmare that looms large over all the others.

Or at least it would, if it was built yet. No no no no no no. The children's hospital has nothing to do with me. I was only the Minister for Health at the time the contract was signed with Bam. I wore a little hard hat to the launch, and I apologized to the doll in twenty nineteen for not informing them of a four hundred million euro overrun.

But no, I think it's what we call a collective failure, and I look forward to being exonerated at an expensive tribunal in ten years' time. I win. More time and money was wasted on the family and care referendums. Rammed ahead despite advice from the Attorney General that the language used was shonky. That letter was leaked and it led to a double no vote that cost us 23 million.

It's hard then to believe this was also the year the European Union had to force us to take thirteen billion in taxes from Apple. which Pascal Donahue was refusing to accept. It was like the way your uncles do we trying to shove a fiver into the palm of your hand. Go on, take it, get yourself a quarter of bonbons. And I'm like, no, stop that, Uncle Jimmy. I'm a fifty year old minister on six figures.

Don't be at that ah okay, thanks, I will take it, and I'll put it snug like a bug in the credit union. And he's been a cabinet minister for ten years. Mihalahan, bringing the 70 grand curtains down and another year of wastage, wasters and a shower of bottle bankers, RTE News.

Goes to meet meet you away at the moment on the Caribbean cruise, so I'm joined by the one and only Louie Walsh Louis. I Joe, you know cruise ships, that's where all the talentless people end up, except for Mumba. Not even the boats want her. It's so sad. You know folks not even performing. She's with her family. Well God help the other passengers.

And be trapped at sea with Vogue. It's like a bad E4 show. It is, I'm telling you. Yeah, and it's coming out next year. Also, you'd want to be on ease to be watching that. Oh my god. Okay, me and you lose, we're gonna snipe and gripe about other celebrities. Let's start.

Killian Murphy, a lister of the year. Come on. He's not for me, you know. Paul Meskell has the sad man thing sewn up, but with muscles. Right. We don't need the starving jockey version, Killian, thank you very much. I wish I had. cheek bones though. Famine memorial chic. Now speaking of sad Irish man, how's he ever got the first Irish number one in America for thirty years? I know the forty something how you're absolutely love him.

Did you? Now imagine if Housier got some muscles. The Harriers would explode. There'd be bits of them in Wicklow. He'd be picking pajamas out of his hair for weeks. Cracking America's ow. Wow, Louie. It's not easy. Just ask Ronald Keating. He couldn't crack an egg, never mind America. Okay, hon, this isn't celebrity big brother. You can't just rehash all your owls.

You know, I got paid a million for that. I did a million. Go why? I did, I really did. All I had to do was bitch about jet which I could do that all day. I once did for five grand in a Tesco near Hullhampton or some dump town. I'm serious. Love it. Come here, what do you think about this year's pop? Pop girlies, let's start with Chapel Round. Terrible name. She sounds like a hazig for all development. She's not gonna last.

Mark my words. Sabrina Carpenter. Looks great. Sounds great. But what was she doing with Barry Kyoko? I know! Your Beverly Hills love. He's Summer Hill. It was never going to work. Charlie XyX. XY. She looks wrecked. She doesn't belong on stage. She belongs to the audience of a Joelle McNally show and all the other smashed up 30 sub thinks you drink too much. Meow! It's true. How about J Lo and Barnard Fla?

They're so over. Benefer belongs in Enfield. JT, bad year for him. He's so over. Justin Timberlake is as out of fashion as a man wearing Timberland. Flash the lights, we're calling time on you. You're over. And of course. Oasis United this year. Two horrible people coming together to fleece the ordinary working people. It's like a royal wedding in every conceivable way, because it's going to end a disaster and a grubby book deal. Okay, quick fire end. Share. Oh my god, she said more work.

done to her than Hollyhead. Billy Irlish. Childish and never stylish. Over. Louis Walsh Louie, you came across as a Thule in the big brother house. You're so over. You're screw oh wait, that's me. You go. I've been Joanne. You really got it Ladies. Still liberal, still incredible. Did we all enjoy Brat's summer? Now that trend was a little problematic in its cultural appropriation. Appropriate. Who from the Germans notch? I mean Bratfurst has been around for centuries.

So have your bangs by the look of them on your Christmas card this year. It was an E card. Yeah, nothing says love and friendship, quite like an email notification at three AM and a click to accept all cookies pop up. Guys, let's not fight. Bratsummer was about empowerment and demanding what you want. Yeah. Convincing a lot of reverse snobbery and ageism against old money. Also it's vulgar to talk about my family's privileges.

Okay, I get that. It is an unspoken South County Dublin rule for sure. We never say anyone's from rich parents. Just that they uh work in fillum. Yeah, or she's training to be a yogi now. Or my personal favorite. She's on a career break. Love it. Well, ladies, here's to a very demure, very mindful twenty twenty five. How great another new label women must strive to live up to. That's not very demure of you. Try to be a bit more mindful, Eva.

I don't have time. What were the fourteen mindful lesson podcasts I have to listen to? Anyway, it's been fun while it lasted. Sounds oddly final. Me too. Sorry guys, it's just I have new friends since moving into my mum's gate lodge. Let me guess. Do they work in Phillip? Yes they do. They all work in film. Ha ha ha. Bye.

Well, lads, twenty twenty four started with Ireland winning the six nations. Yep. Instantly overshadowed by discourse around whether the atmosphere in the Aviva is Yeah, it is flatter than a Lucasay that's been left in a glove compartment for a week to be fair. It can be nicer than the real stuff, yeah.

Seriously, no elsewhere of course Irish football had an Anna Serebellus. Yeah, the boys in Green scored so few goals. We actually started celebrating saves from Keeping Keller. Exactly. That's it. And fair play to the girls in Green for putting in the effort to be equally as disappointing as The boys in green. Yeah, respect to the girly. I was really breaking that glass.

Floor. Good banter, lads. Still it wasn't all doom and gloom. Irish football fans got our bi annual dose of Schadenfreud when England lost the Euros Finals. And Garrett Southgate quit so he could spend more time with his M S polo shirts. Yeah, my mum actually got me some of those for Christmas. And they're pretty savage to be fair. Yeah. Nice and neat. Nice and neat, right? Yeah.

Jorgen Klopp bid farewell to the cop. Uh everyone thought he was irreplaceable, but Liverpool have actually flourished without him since. Just like us without Joe who left us. Yeah, we're actually better ever since he left us to do podcasts with a newspaper. Are we? Aren't we? To be honest, nobody noticed we're all so interchangeable. Meanwhile, Man United are languishing in mediocrity like some sort of civil servant who has given up and knows they can never be sacked.

True. I'm actually applying for a comms officer gig with the civil service. Same as no, nobody else is allowed to leave, all right? Anyway, what else happened this year? Seventeen year old Luke the Nuke Littler became a darts hero. That's right, he's only seventeen now. It's true. Yeah, he must have gone to the Simon Harris School of Aging. Nice. While Connor McProblematic was

Hang on, is that why we got a hamper full of his Ming and Stout for Krimbo? Actually, full disclosure, I actually still drink it, but I and that's all we've time for. See you all in twenty twenty five for more Boarding disappointment and despair. Oh yeah, that's an absolute disgrace. Except maybe one day the Saudis will buy our podcast. Respect our culture, you know, absolutely. Alright, fair cop. Today, fair cop, yeah.

Thank you very much for having me on Callan Kick. twenty twenty four. And thank you for still being here, Pascal. In my party. Mine, it's all mine. I'm important. Only because I forgot to retire and leave Finegale like everybody else did. Now I'm stuck in unpopular coalitions forever.

It's like having a pimple in your dimple. No no, that's not true. I'm very popular. In Greystones. Well, at least one part of Greystones. Well, the women of Greystones. The ones who drive cars the size of Bensit. And so this part of the show is all about election twenty four. Can we just skip to the part where we won, please?

Twenty point eight percent of first preferences. A triumph and people wrote us off they did the rose. It was Finnegale's worst result since nineteen forty eight. Yes, but moving on, moving on. The worst for seventy-six years when Richard Mulcahy cast. This time Harris embarrassed. You know when all our foreign investment is stolen by Donald Trump, the first austerity cut I'm making is to close down Cantar.

Close it down. Being rude to a care worker wasn't your worst moment. Sorry. I think it was the bit when you said you liked cold play. So you're not at the Taylor Swift then? No no no no. Mary Lou is one of those Swifties. Scary Swifties. Ah, the shinners can't help themselves, always associating with

It's terrorist groups. That's pretty edgy, especially for you, Pascal. New edgy. I could give myself a slogan since you've dropped the new energy tagline. I even deleted it for my updated biography online entitled Uh Yes. What? Entitled What? What's your biography called? No, no, no, that's the name of it. Entitled Ah per fiddle's sake. Okay, okay. The election really wasn't what I'd hoped for, but some people still love me. That's why I'm now calling myself the niche teach.

Imagine how bad it would have been if we hadn't doubled child benefit and welfare just to claw out a few votes. Because it's all about money. Politics is. Even sports now. Wha wh what do you mean? Well in soccer it's all about the Arab oil money. In rugby it's all about the old money, whereas in the GAA it's whatever tax exile you're having yourself.

Now let's get this over with. I have to clear a lot of ring lights and cameras from the Taoiseach's office for the handover. Okay. So the election was held in November and the scene was set when Katie Hannan chaired the ten leader debates. Nobody won it. and Mary Lou was banished off to the far corner with Boyd Barrett's barking. We joined the chaos now as Ivana Batchick was waffling her wiffle. Can I just say that in Labour we know how much the communities we represent need change?

And that who exactly a fan of Ranla? What do they need? More Lewis's is it? Hello, I'm over here. I wanted to be placed next to Pater Tobin to give him tinnitus when he starts to sound sensible about blocking immigration. Good one, Richard. Here, while the camera's facing this distant direction, can I point out that the TikTok twit has failed children? Wow. How dare you? What? Who do you think you are?

I'm serving withering side on You're shouting! You're shouting over me. Mentally stabbed! Mentally stabbed! He's foaming at the ears. Oh dear, he's used up all of his new energy.

He'd be quiet now for the rest of the program like Sim Harris, you are the Scotch who did the children's hospital contract, yes? No, no, no, no, I'm not. Go on. Don't maybe throw you over my knee now. You are the minister, come on now. But the point is I wasn't even born for many years before I did all that mismanagement and boxing.

contracts as Minister for Health, therefore I can't be held responsible. That doesn't make any sense. I've tired it's sad now. Can I interject to say that that that respectfully no, the Greens are a shower muppets. Respectfully. Sorry, uh Roderick O'Gorman hasn't shown up to rebut that now. For the second election in a row? I'm going to accidentally come across as the competent one. Me and Pater Tobin, who used to be a lefty, but now he's far right curious.

Sorry, excuse me now. I am only near right curious. No you may not. We have to move on. Sorry, the voice. The voice in my ear says sorry Right we ha an hour has passed. We have two more questions per hour. Sorry now. Sorry, excuse me. Um hello I'm very concerned that I'm coming across as Snippy and Weasley. Will anyone let me know? All right, yeah. Is anyone listening to me? Am I just chatting?

Right. Okay Joan Collins has just popped into studio while putting out the bins by the looks of it. Welcome, Joan. First question. Who are you? Okay, there's no time for that. Excuse me. Well I wouldn't like to see your manifesto's boys let's go.

Let's face it after one hundred years of manslea. The buzz is pretty deadly over here, I have to admit. When do I get to the shouty bit about gas? All right, now that everyone in the country's gone to bed, let's discuss housing since that's the only thing that matters. Well, people before Your policy would destroy the country.

We're going for pints after this. Alright, the voice in my ear is shouting I think they're saying what would you do to the slice of pans? Sorry, th this program is far too long. I only look like a leader if the content is fifteen seconds. Right. But it looks like he's asleep on podium five. Sorry to the lad there who looks more clammy and shook than a groom who accidentally went on the lash night before his wedding. I didn't have time to come to you. Apologies.

All right, let's wrap this up. It's nearly midnight and to quote the voice in my ear, I think we've all been mentally stabbed. I'm a Kay Hannah and it's up front and good night.

Wow, it really happened. I won forty-seventh and final president of my United States. Uh and I'm the first bro. We'll see. I haven't decided what I'll do with my day one dictatorship, day one. Dude, I like donated two hundred and fifty million dollars for campaign. Yeah, Elon, but Bezos and Zuckerberg are suckering up to me now as well. It's a dream come true.

What? The oligarchy version of the apprentice TV show Atlas. Well, I hope we can create a wonderful cryptocracy, you know, one based on meme coin and polio outbreaks. Yeah, what an incredible night it was. A night like you wouldn't believe. I'm pretty sure they'd have to use like a winch or maybe one of my scary robots or exploding cyber trucks. No one's ever watched an election night quite like this one. It was unbelievable. Right.

And they're really talking up that Iowa poll and Gaga. You know if I win, I'm gonna bomb the heck out of Iowa. Those crazy old ladies voting for dumb Kamala. They're probably all twos, fours at best. Mr. President, it's time for you to stay calm, like me. Zero emotion.

All those celebrities, who have I got? Hulk Hogan's veins and Mel Gibson's rage bait, is that it? Oh, you have cool friends too, like me. Uh uh Dana White, uh Joe Rogan, and Dennis Quaid's Acne Wrinkles. So I've got the bros, I've got fighting. Sports, three hour long conspiracy podcast. What a gag. Wow, the young men. Nobody's done more for young men than me. There's never been testosterone quite like it.

You're close, Miss President. Well, Ilan and Melanka, I've done my bet, so if we blow it now, it's actually all of you that will have blown it. And the Jews. I bet Mel would agree. They blew it now. Like you blew that microphone stand? It was a real pity I had to kill those sound engineers backstage. How are you feeling, Elon? Well, I I don't have feelings. Feelings are woke and I'm a robot, but I I think uh we are gonna win. Oh really? Oh yeah. Do I really have to move again?

Don't worry, Malana Lamala. I'll look after you'cause you're a woman who needs protection. Mainly from the men who support me. And no, I don't do irony. I've actually a locked in compound full of my sperm for all my women in Texas. Wow. Nothing say safety like a colt in a compound in Texas.

Thank you. Sure. Look at these numbers. There've never been numbers quite like this. So you're getting a lot of results at all points to Trump taking the lead in every spot. Oh dude, wake up. I I think you're gonna win. What? That's quick, even for me. Tell me about it. It's actually happening. I so I've been proven right? Uhhuh. Do I have to be happy? Well I don't know how. Laughter. I don't even know how that works, believe me. No no, I'm not a fan of work. I just like the rallies.

And the Dululu poor people cheering for me. I don't want to actually do this. You could take over Elon. No, I no no uh not yet, but What what are we even supposed to do in power? Um take cats off women? Some can someone get me a list of things I said. I think there was something about getting rid of electric cars. Oh those dumb EVs. No, that was definitely not one of them. Wait a second, this means I won't be going to jail. Oh. Seriously?

Well, really gonna miss being the victim. No one's ever seen a victim quite like me. Uh but you still have the state trial in Georgia. Thank God. Oh yes, I could still be a victim there. What a beautiful little witch hunt it's gonna be. It's gonna be one of the greatest witch huts I would ever seen. Congratulations, dude. You're officially the forty seventh president of the United States. Well

That's the American dream. You could do a lot of crazy illegal things and still be president. Twice. Twice. God bless you all. And may God help you all. Thank you.

Well done, Daddy Meehole. You really turned it around, you did. Uh well I think it's very important that voters recognise a safe pair of hands on the wheel, young jack. The cranky and tetchy reassurance of a fussy no crack moon chore. It talks about it won the election and defeated the other parties. Oh, because you've no hair and you look like a tortoise.

How would you stop that? Well done yourself, Minister Chambers, uh and the thing, uh by the way, you know. Oh getting promoted to cabinet in the big boy job. No no no I I mean the thing, you know, the the personal thing uh at the start of the year for you. What what thing? You know, that th that you're more blur than oasis in terms of more YMCA than ICA. What are you talking about? Oh right, because we're both medical doctors. No no no no no no but yes.

Anyway, we did a good job letting the air out of the tires of government negotiations before Krimbo. Oh we'd never stoop that low. No no no. Unless it's for Michael Lowry. Um as a doctor we swear a Hippocratic oath. As a politician, it's a hypocritic one, yeah. Sure I've no choice. Labour dithered for a fortnight. I was hoping Gary Gorcake might chat from the Social Democrats, but they got all.

Flustered after Ron Hayes tripped over the party's brand of sanctimony while carrying two hundred grand worth of exploding shares. And sure, the longer we stall before going in with the most boring wing of the rural independence. De criminalizing drugs.

Oh, that was a good one, all right. I actually thought you were on drugs when you signed off on that idea. I may have overdosed of my tumeric supplements that morning. Everyone knows that election promises are like gift vouchers. They lack imagination and a Before you have any chance to use them. Precisely. Lovely. Happy New Year to you, Jack. And can I offer you a celebratory glass of champagne? I was gonna say a hard-boiled day. The year of the crank in government building.

In terms of The black guarding no-