Call It with Stefania Spampinato

Call It What It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camil Luddington, an iHeartRadio podcast.

Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello Call It crew, and welcome to another episode.

Of Call It What It Is.

For this one a little juiced.

Really juice, because why who are we sitting across from right now?

I love that you're like the last name. Let's not say the last name? Are we saying it's a neat autumn?

Normally to totally be like no, obviously, Safania, I've got it.

I know, but you caught me. I was like, Stefani, I know it's the last This is a common last name in Italy, in the South.

I have a funny Starbucks name spelling story. Sorry, I was in line with Starbucks and Steven Spielberg.

How is this by the way, in the d said what please have Stefania tell her.

Story two stories?

Doesn't like the story with Steven Spielberg. When I realized that you guys were to yes, so we were already together exactly. I just like a couple of first couple of episodes. I was meeting a producer there and he was like, oh, come, Stefania, let's go say hi to Stephen. And I was like, who's Steven. It was like literally the first words that came out of my mouth were like, Hi, I always make out with your daughter.

Yeah, that's what I've never heard that story. What did he say? I was like, FROs and I was like he was like, that is so funny.

And then it was like, let's do a video for her stories that I had made a short film with Steven.

A short film with Steven Spielberg.

And by the way, just for the record, I think people are always surprised by this. I'm leading the witness. Just how fantastic and nice is he?

Come on? I mean, come on.

Warmer and kinder and less assuming.

And I've watched it my whole life obviously, but the way that he, you know, is in the world and and just treats the people around him, and it's just he's he's pretty special.

Even after the third time the guy asked to spell to tell him his name, he was like, fully like zero ego and face.

Well, as long as we're on the story of Starbucks and Steven Spielberg, He's there a lot.

I'm just saying, there is a morning thing. Yeah, it's a morning thing.

There was a tipping point where obviously our entire lives. If people came up to talk to us when many of us were out, they were clearly going to talk to him, right, And then there was this tipping point where all of a sudden, it was like, everyone's to.

Talk to me.

So I don't know, it's maybe a couple of months ago, and we're in New York City and we actually were not We hadn't even we weren't going to start works together.

I had gone somewhere else.

He was at the Starbucks and I came in and he didn't know that I was there, and then I.

Run into him, which I love running into your family.

So I was like, oh Jesus. So we're hanging in.

And this woman comes over and then she joins in.

The and he's like, oh gosh, what's happening.

She was like just like a really big fan, and he got just sort of just stand there and be like just a guy.

He didn't get.

Even look at him.

Listens exactly.

What can I say, come on.

Okay, I'm so happy that you're here.

And I feel like we just could could start off with the fact that.

I mean, it.

Seems like a long time ago, but it wasn't that long ago.

When when we last Seffania came into our lives.

Well, what's funny is that we did a rewatch up, but we did our first rewatch of Grey's Anatomy and you you guys, it's a weird cookie episode, you guys. So we just talked about her first impression of you, because I was like, if you have a love interest and Stefania walks in, you're.

Like, yeah, you're like when you're like when, So, how long ago.

Was it that you start on Grace.

I think it was seven years eight years ago, eight years ago, and I was like, that's that long it was.

It's like this weird time where that people don't understand it just goes so fast.

Yeah, okay, So.

This is what we were saying, was that when okay, so eight years ago, I had just had Josie. Because so we were saying that we started a new season and Christa came and said, you know, the love interest from last season is not coming back.

You're going to have a new love interest.

We're going to figure it out. I don't know what it's gonna be, we're gonna figure it out. And in the meantime, it had been positioned. Stefani was going to be a tweeny like and in between me, like you know, passion relationship whatever, and I was like okay, great, So we didn't really get to have like a chemistry read like hey.

Where do you like where do you see like what do you both like?

What are your hidden talents?

Like?

How do you see this going?

Like?

We got nothing? We were like thrown into the deep end. Yeah, and yeah I just had a baby. We had this like makeout scene because my character was like going back and that was the.

Best makeout that this is where de Luca walks in on you.

Yes, this was pre intimacy coordinator.

Yeah.

Yeah, and Stefani was saying brand new first like puppy energy.

I was like, yes, sure, jump from the window.

I though it, yeah, like you're off and she was.

Puppy energy and I was postpartim entergy and I was like, you know, you have your wordroom meeting where they're like okay, so you know what do you what do you want to wear? And then what do you want to take off? Because all those scenes are so much better. Clothing comes off, you know, around and they're like what do you want to take off?

On my nothing or you make it so there's twenty layers, so you're like, you just can't.

Yes, the episode of.

Joey and Friends when he's in all the clothes, you'll never get to skin.

I never landed on a boost a type thing, yeah, which was so cute.

Oh, I don't think I ever saw that stuff. I was just way too hard on myself.

Guys, it's like, and I've seen that, yeah, yeah.

And then so then, but you were fantastic and you honestly you were saying you had puppy energy.

I mean, I've been.

There for a whole lot longer, and I was a whole lot less comfortable, Like I just was like, what.

What are we doing?

Okay crag And she was so fantastic.

Was that the first thing you show?

Yeah, and with Willen directing, so.

Shitting myself, I was like, oh my god, she's.

Like but the thing they gave me make me like grounded is that we're speaking Italian. So I was like, she doesn't know, nobody knows. I'm fine.

And then that was most saf because I was in between you and I was looking at him, and then I was looking at you, and I was like, yeah, that was really exactly.

I also come from the dance world, and in Italy, when you dance, you're half like in a bikini all the time, so it was very comfortable.

Only in Italy you dance in biginnis pretty much pretty much.

I have a funny story actually, so my dancing career started in Italy and we literally go to auditions with bikinis and high heels, and then I moved to London. I mean, I go to London for a week to check it out and see if I can work there. And I literally show up at the audition room wearing the same thing that I will wear at an audition in Italy, but everybody else was like super hip hop. I looked like a stripper, like everybody was like down.

The Halliday were like yes, you were like oh maybe no, no, but.

I did it. I actually booked a job because stood out like a sore thumb.

I was like, yeah, that was great, Yeah.

Oh my god, that's so you felt that was honestly your first scene that you shot. I don't think I knew that. That's amazing. What did you think of, Jessica, What was first impression?

I loved everybody. I felt like I was super nervous. I and everybody was so welcoming and warm. Everybody came like like came to introduce themselves, and she was super sweet and like we were reading next to each other, and I was like.

I feel like it was excited, but I.

Had read so many horror stories about me people getting specifically her. I really put one out there dress no people getting fired after table reads. So at the table reader was actually very very nervous because I was like, oh my god, if they don't like me, this is not going to happen. So I was like, again, yeah, I've.

Had it happen in a sitcom where I was how it happens more in sitcoms, I guess people to.

Be fun and you got yeah.

But I was definitely super intimidated. I mean, I also my best friend. My best friend's favorite show was Crazy Anatomy, and she's in a gay relationship. They have just adopt the two kids by the way, and and like Calli and Arizona were like their favor So I.

Was like, so now you're coming in to pressure. Oh wow.

Yeah, And so I was like, oh my god, oh my gosh, so crazy. Yeah.

I just think that there there is this pressure to be exactly as you were before you had a baby and just come back and hit the ground running and just like that. There's only like a physical act of having a baby or delivering a baby, but right if you have a baby, there's so many other things going on and you're in your brain and your mind and your function and your sense of self and.

Your security and everything is kind of like wild. So you got that part of me.

I mean, I apologies didn't feel that. But a party takes a woman's body two years to fully recover from a delivery.

I believe that.

What.

Yeah, I love the I'm ob on the show and I'm like, I'm sorry, why there it is two years.

Years to fully recover.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Well you came on honestly everybody. I remember everybody loving you. You were just so kind and so fun and you always brought energy. I remember you telling me a story. I remember because I also that was the other thing I was going to say, is that that was my fourth baby. And I do remember being super preoccupied, Like I remember being like I was at work and then I was like as soon as I was out of work, I was.

In the car and like speeding home.

So I was definitely in that part of my life, the vulnerability and like just the because, like you said.

When you you came with such excitement.

But then when you when you get to work together for a while and you have this time sat at the chairs or whatever, you actually do get to know people, and then all of a sudden you do hear these you hear these stories and you get a different sense of them and it's not all just you know, one thing, like we're all going through something or have been through something and how we deal with it and sharing that is actually I do think very much contributes to our chemistry together on shows.

Yeah, it's funny because when we were watched during the rewatch back, you guys have a couple of scenes together and I was like, damn your chemistry, Like if you had stayed on our show, like this could have worked.

Yeah, why was it that?

Do you remember? Creatively? Why why that did not end up happening? What was the conversation of you going from one show to the other.

Oh, there was no conversation at first. That was just like no, it was like going from episode to episode to episode and again because it was so new, I was like any every epis it was like yeah, yes. And it wasn't until season three, my third season, so season sixteen of Grade that I started going to station and then it was like kind of a random pitch from Christa and then at the table read, the chemistry between THEO and I was so good that they were like, yeah, okay, let's keep it going.

Yes, okay, let's talk about the chemistry. Yes, you felt that instantly even at the table read.

Yes, wow, yeah, wow?

Is there okay? So your characters, because it's just sometimes this happens on shows, and it happened on Station nineteen where you have all that, you have an ensemble cast, and you have all these different couples and then just one couple ends up just being explosive, like the fans just blow up. Oh and that happened for you guys, It did for sure. Did you know that the fan reaction to you guys? Did you feel that very early on or did it take time? I felt like.

That's a good question. I feel like we felt that it was easy, but it was effortless. It was easy. It wasn't like, let's make this work, let's make this special.

Did the fandom embrace this station intin relationship instantly?

Yeah?

Yeah, because I think also the way the Karina in Arizona broke up was very like definite. She went to Cali and nobody was mad at that.

They were like sure like.

Arizona when I left on season fourteen. Yeah, yeah, I'm imagining or I'm making up that Meg Meg bringing Arizona. She had to like come up with whether or not she was going to address where Arizona was and she was CALLI.

Or wasn't And so we didn't. They didn't, they did. They left it.

So I you know, there was like a little bit of a moment at the at your wedding that was it teased it.

But it never said it.

Yeah, Okay, I think it's smart to leave that money. Yeah, because I feel like it's potential for story. Yeah, yeah, you're not locking yourself into anything in one episode that you're back for.

Yeah, that's true. I think Arizona.

I mean I feel like what we probably needed that would have like sealed deal sealed the deal is if we'd had some kind of obstacle. We needed an obstacle.

We didn't get like a fule like you can't be together because right something.

Yeah, and so then because then if we could have overcome it, then people would have championed it.

Okay, So then was there any storyline that you guys had on the show that you were not into that you kind of have wished had played a different way.

I mean, everybody knows that, the zion Art fans know that. But I feel like at the end, I was a little sick of talking about IVF. I was like, yeah, I was like, okay, well, she's almost being pregnant for three years for three seasons. But because I feel like we were tied to Gray's anatomy and the interns thing was that it three seasons was one year, So three seasons of trying one year of trying to be pregnant became a little bit like yeah, yeah, but that's the

Because we screwed up the grace. Yeah did, Yeah, we did. It's true. Is there a storyline that or a moment that was your favorite moment?

There was like a couple. There was one episode that was a stand alone and we all shot it in the apartment with Peter Page. It was the first episode Peter Page directed, and it was so much fun because he felt like a play. We had like ten pages of intense dialog. We shot it all as a one, like one scene, and so there was as an actor was so.

That's really fun.

Yeah, we got to meet Peter we did. Yeah, and he was so fantastic. Yeah, he's so God's so smart.

Yes, yeah, man.

He's super passionate.

Love that show too, You can love the show. He love the characters.

He really cared.

Yeah, Hey, does anyone care if we talk about sex? Because why because it's it's it's a love Okay, it's love month. It's Valentine's Day month. And we teased you out to the to the the whole fandom of the universe, the Raised Sage nineteen universe. They went crazy. The fact that we said we're going to talk about.

Sex with her.

We made them even crazier, made them, yeah, out of their minds, let's do it. And this started from a conver It's not just out of nowhere. This started from a conversation. We saw Stefania.

When was it that Chicago. We're just sit around talking about sex either. Yeah, you want to know what we do?

Yeah, we were at convention and we're talking about Well, we got to go to dinner together and then we got to see each other at the convention. And what happens it is when we haven't seen each other for a while, there's a download, right, there's like, what is going on?

Are you?

What's how the kids? And that's what happened, and we got on the subject of sex. We got we talked about sex, and so we're going to get into it. But first I found it very interesting and I wanted to start with this. Gen Z is not having.

Or gen Z gen Z is between thirteen and twenty.

Eight years old. They're having less sex and previous generations. Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic. Search In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person seems like a piece of nostalgia.

That's sad, funny sad though, like a piece of nostalgia, like a relic from the oldie days, like a relationship.

What are you talking about?

That's it?

No more relationships people than do that because it's nostalgic.

By the way, I've told this story before, I did talk to someone who's probably in the twenty eight year old category and they were like, oh my gosh, I would never talk to someone in real life. I'd never say hi to someone I thought was cute at a bar, and I was.

Like, wow, there's no meat cutes out in the world. They call to meet you, right, like when you're out a meet cutes. When you meet someone in the real world and you have that like sitcoming like cute, you're like you had that, like hey often, so the meet c isn't happening.

I've never had that before. By the way, in my life, nobody I'm talking to me at a bar never. But I also am a weird like when I see somebody you never.

Sat at a bar and someone's like a bar if no one's ever connected. While happened.

So he sat at bars and no one's come.

No one, No one has come, never to me with friends, with friends or alone. No, I've never gone alone with friends.

But like male, I doesn't have to term people.

But this is one thing that I have to disclose by myself. Like if I like somebody, I'm like, where do I hide?

Oh?

I don't make eye contact. That don't provoke the like.

Little nudge nudge, way I die.

Is very I was just talking with the iconac is very important.

Right, you have to like the first step in the how much in that nostalgia?

How many don't I can't? Right? Right? Right?

When does he get creepy?

Like? When is it? Okay?

Like?

How many seconds? Oh?

I think I'm talking to my friend her and I'm like.

Oh my gosh, she's so cute. Oh no, it could have been two seconds last.

But five seconds worked because.

I guess what can I say?

I've got moves.

Why I'm gonna try to Okay, Okay, So we're talking at the bar again. Yeah, I like you, my.

Friend I was in I was ready to leave that.

I was you nicer. Guess.

Yeah, I'm just saying, maybe the reason why these people are not having sex is they're not from my generation. We're I Banging was the first step of foreplay, and for play is a very important.

Part of sex.

That's a point.

And I think that what's happening is that there's so much digital.

Diddling.

That's like there's no real foreplay. There's no there's no look, there's no brush by, there's no like skin Grays made an entire meal and they got me every time when they'd have Meredith and Derek and then elevator together, and.

They don't have that anymore.

So, yes, it starts with the eyes.

You get on in there.

And then and then you brush by, and then you and.

Then there's the foreplay.

And I think for play is probably happening less and so people are missing out on the banging, the real banging.

I think there is definitely true. I think there is multiple reasons today they feel less pressure to have a relationship, Like they're more focused on their career, they're more ambitious, that they just give less attention to having a relationship with boys or.

Girls or yeah, or making a family right exactly exactly exactly.

But then you always hear what what ends up happening, which is that they bump up against the thing that's harder to control, which is like the timeline of you know.

Liability, right if they want to you know what.

I think that we used to think that like it had to be done in twenties, early thirties.

It's not true, not anymore. Yeah.

No, but well no, but sometimes if you that's a privilege on some level because you might need medical and that's expensive.

So I think the generation is willing to take the risk. Yeah, I think that, you know, and they're willing to be like, you know what, it's still not right right now, and whatever happens will happen. Yeah, and they're not feeling that pressure just to get it done so that they can.

Yeah, it's very specific.

So this this generation thing, you know, I mean, yeah, they did go through COVID and everything else, but I don't know.

I mean, I have two nieces. They're like twenty nineteen and twenty three. And I was talking to one of them and she was like I met somebody, and I was like, okay, and then what now? And she was like, well, I'm gonna see them for a few weeks to see if I even like them as a person. And then I'll take it from there. And I was like, I'm sorry, Yes.

They're gonna get banged. They banging party there st.

I was like, wow, this is so machure, so so and I was like, I am a disaster. I got into like a bomb. But then there's fires and ashes and you're like, no waits as a person. Yeah.

I text my nieces for gen z yeah, and I said, why do you think you guys are having less sex and as a generation with you? And they were like, no one we know goes out.

Wow, that's no good, Like we don't go out anymore, right.

Phone, And so I think it's the same. I think even just like socially, there's not you know, everyone's sort of content because they have social access on their phones, right, so they're feeling like they're being social. We would sit and be like, we haven't talked to anybody. We got to go get out. We would get bored.

There is it's so important to get bored because then you come up with things to do and say and to I get out of the border and I feel like they don't get bored anymore.

Did you grow.

Up feeling comfortable talking about sex?

Oh?

Not at all.

I mean it's like massive taboo. Yeah you too, Oh.

God, I have said, I don't think I put all the letters that are in masturbation together to form masturbation.

Until I was in my thirties, it just was not. It was There were so many reasons.

Why I was just no what dance for me was my outlet or my sensuality because I felt like I was on stage, I was playing a.

Character so could be very centraal.

So I loved it because I could express a part of me that I wasn't really allowed to express at home obviously or like amongst.

People there, and also respected for it exactly and seen as doing something wonderful exactly.

How do your family feel that you're on a show that talks about also your O B. Yeah, we're talking about sex, toys and like all of it.

I don't think I've had a lot of conversations with them about I feel like I have an older aunt that is very conservative. She was like, would you know I have picked a different role? I was like, if you only knew how hard was to get this one.

When you arrive in Los Angeles.

But I was like, that's Funny's just so lets you know how a little perspective they have, and I was like, you know, you were all the products around, not bringing She was also brought up in a Catholic environment, very conservative, but I was like liberation. It felt so good to just talk about.

All of that.

Yeah, but for me it was a late awakening as well. Like I got my first vibrator five years ago, and I was like, what.

Was I.

Vibrator five years ago?

Seven years ago?

Yes, seven years ago?

Years ago?

Can we ask which one? Because we had a whole sex toy episode, you know, Yeah, I.

Tried a few, and I feel like I've settled on the little what is it.

The little curve. That's when we got lifted right, the little kurvy curve.

I don't remember the curvy curve.

The curvy curve is good.

We really reach all the story that Pop had a really funny story about Jessica going and buying her very first vibrator because she was.

It wasn't my first, wasn't one of them.

One of many collection, And she pretended in the store that it was like a gift to somebody else, like gift, but when you went in to buy your first vibrator seven years ago.

Oh oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

Or did you were like a sampling?

I did, and then I figured out and returned then because obviously, again vibrators, I don't know a lot too many.

I love that. I love that you did that for yourself, though. Are you seeing someone now?

No?

You are single? Oh my god. Okay, so we talked about sex in Chicago, Yes, we did. And you had read a book or many books about sex.

Several seven. Yeah, and I my sex revolution era?

Right about the sex revolution? Okay, yeah, what started the sex revolution era?

I feel like there was so much I didn't know, and I was like, I'm having a like a great time having sex on my own, like being sexual on my own, and when there is a partner involved, it's always so hard. There's like so much people pleasing you don't want. I feel like we don't get told how to communicate our needs. We don't get we don't get taught how to prioritize ourselves and our measure. It always like, you know, it's always like the other person and you're like,

Yes, a perfect little bundle.

On the outside outside simulation.

Yeah.

So I was like, there's a beautiful book called Come as You Are.

Yes, Okay, it's like people read it.

I'm not I have it. I might even have as an audiobook, but.

I've heard of it and people reade about it.

Tell me, I don't know what that is.

We're all different, and I feel like raising our differences is such an important part of our own sexuality and figuring out what is it that we like, what is it that we don't like, and learning how to communicate that to our partner, like listen, I need, yeah this, I need that. I am not comfortable with this, and I feel like I feel like I've always felt bad

Yeah, but also don't you remember, like I can't reaching way back in my memory, but you would do the like you do the scoot or the like you like move like if something was happening sexual. Yeah, you would be like you would like you wouldn't want to say like you're not there, or like you go to the left or the right.

I agree, like no one it didn't.

No one made it like a thing that instruct instruct or even like it would feel like construction as opposed to.

So you would feel wrong, like you'd be like you would feel like you're a moment.

You also feel like there's something wrong with you because shows you that women do it like that and they're totally happy with that, but I'm not, So there's something wrong with me. And so reading that book kind of makes you understand that there's nothing wrong with each and every one of us, and it's okay.

But you have to have both partners.

You have to have somebody.

You have one partner, Yes, that and also it's like, if you've seen one virginia, you've seen one vagina. And also I was like, only like, you know, yesterday years old, not quite close to when. Literally, I didn't even know that vaginas looked as different as they do.

Literally just had this conversation. I had no giants know the vaginas could look so different.

I have no idea so different. Phoenis has come in lots of different shapes, sizes, vaginas do to.

Okay, going back to sex, I feel like this is one thing that pisses me off about penis vagina that we women. For us is so much harder to have casual sex. I've never been able to have a one eight stand. I think they're so overrated. I think I was like, so you never.

Have I've never had a one I never had a one eight stent.

I tried the casual sex, but I think I'm doing it wrong because there's nothing casual but no, because my freaking oxydosin kicks in. And even though the person, I was like, I'm not into this person, but I was like, I'll reach out just you know, because to be nice, thank you, And then I ended up getting freaking ghosted by people that I didn't care about in the first place, and then.

My ego is that fair?

Yeah?

Yeah, we didn't do it right. Wait, this is the conversation that we had in Chicago. I found really fascinating. And you were telling me about that oxytocin. Yes, and so can you tell it to our listeners right now, because I was like, whoa.

Apparently when women have sex for the first time, they immediately release oxytocin, which is the hormone of love. They call it now it makes you feel happy and in love, and men only released stosterone. So if you happen to have a one night stand with a man, the woman walks away from it feeling like, oh my god, I love it, and the guys like, I go Starbucks, I go do something else, and they even if it.

Was bad sex, Yes, it was bad sex.

And and men only released oxytocin when they start developing feeling for the other person.

So there really is no emotional almost casual sex for a lot of women. I feel like.

Maybe there is.

Well, go back to that, and do you know women that are good at it?

Do you casual sex?

I wish? I mean, what's their secret? Are they just very secure, maybe emotional.

Because it's not me.

So I don't know what I'm trying to think of what they reported expectations.

I think one thing I say.

Like when they when they like.

When they went into it, it was specifically for that.

Yeah, I'm going to my first.

Time always sucks because I'm not comfortable. I don't feel safe, I don't feel secure. So I'm like, why am I even doing this? Yeah? Yeah, so what's the point? And so I've stopped and the casual sex is not for me, But I feel like, yeah, is.

There have you set like a new rule for yourself where you're like you have you?

You gave me a rule? It was like five dates?

Well I had I had back that day. I was a five date rule. You had to take me out on five dates.

Yeah.

I felt like by five dates where I would be able to have a vibe and I would sort of know like what are you maybe looking for a little bit, and then I could make the decision myself but also make them wait, Okay, So.

This is my problems that I meet somebody and I see and I have a very objective perception of who they are, red flags everything. The minute I get intimate with them, the red flags disappear and I only see the good things. And so I'm going to start adopting my niece's thing a few weeks. If I like you as a person, yeah, and like, also listen to my first instinct.

See.

I don't know any thing about anything in the dating world, but I feel like now with all this optionality that I hear about happening in the app.

World, that.

Because I mean, let's face, it's not like every time you meet someone or the first time you meet someone it's like.

Giant fireworks going off.

Right.

So let's say you like someone but you're still trying to figure out if you really like them. Then if you're waiting all this time, is there this moment where the other person is like, Okay, great, I'm waiting. So I guess if I'm waiting, this is casual. And so if this is casual, then I'm still this is what I'm imagining again, I don't have to wait.

Queen of Blue Balls, When I was younger, what did they tell us?

Came up?

And I felt bad, Oh my god, I gave you love?

I love it? How can I am possibly give you love it? I love it?

Power because I lose the power I was.

I clearly have just established myself as.

More of a people. Oh no, you have blue balls?

Okay, can we fix it?

Sorry about I didn't give it a blue balls either. Right now, you're on the sexual revolutionary journey for yourself.

Yeah.

I tried that, like I'm going to have sex like a man thing. It didn't work out for me.

Okay, so I don't work out for you. That's okay.

You know what, you have a basis now, you have a starting point exactly, and maybe you're just not good at it yet.

No, I think I'm going back to my twenties how I used to handle relationships in my twenties.

Just time, be easy. Yes.

Do you feel more confident now that if you were to get into a relationship and become intimate, that you can vocalize what you need?

Yeah, definitely, that's awesome.

She couldn't handle my five sec and stare a second ago.

Believe she loved it. I said, calm it down, I'm sweating.

See.

I think that that's sort of a magical, wonderful thing. And I think it's got to do with mindset and also, you know how your life unfolds but looking at your life and saying, I'm going to go back to where I was in my twenties.

And be.

Clearly so much more grown.

The other thing that I thought of when I was thinking about you and sitting here with you today was that you I see you with the fans, and I see the way that Station nineteen has rolled out for you, and just this incredible presence and relationship that you created on television for people to see and to experience and to again I see people with you, I see people interact and like, they're so grateful to you for having brought this role, because it allowed for them to see

So you have done that, and that is so beautiful to watch. And I.

Think that it made me also think of when I started, And it wasn't so much more or so much before you, but when I came to Grays and it was revealed in episode three that my character was gay, there were no other gay series regular characters on television. We were doing something that other it just hadn't kind of hadn't been done, and it was paired with the fact that I had spent my entire career up until then doing half hour sitcoms where it wasn't.

A lot of sexy time.

Wow, And then I was on you know, a.

Legal show a lot of sexy time, and then here I was in this show than a character and then having all this sexy time, and I'd sort of seen myself as this psch you know, I'm just gonna be you know, I don't I don't even know what I'd pegged myself as. But I hadn't seen myself as sexy.

I just didn't.

I didn't own myself as a sexy person. And so I look at the time that you know, we were telling all those stories, and I'm really proud that that Sata and I were able to bring these scenes to life, given that I kind of wasn't so confident, and then you know, you and I getting to play and being a little bit more confident.

But again, what was the first thing I said? I just had a baby.

And like, I do.

Think that when you talk about sex, this is all going back to whether you're having it or or not. I think that having a vibrant, healthy and robust sex life does maybe come.

Side saddle or at least there's a sidecar.

Of confidence for you know, being knowing who you are coming into a relationship and being like this is not like this is how I like it, take it or leave it, but like this is how I like it, you know, like I like, I like a little of this first and again the foreplay.

Like and maybe you know, I don't, I don't know.

Just having having role models that are showing you like, yeah, that that the that the dance is fun. It makes like coming a lot more fun and feel a lot better.

When you have that, even if it's going to be casual.

I guess I'm making this up.

I don't know, but like you've gotten some sort of like lead up. It's not just like you know, you're straight into it because I don't think I'm not a doctor, but I don't think that that's how you know, a lot of people feel about it. I just don't think that they can go straight into like banging and not.

At least women, mostly women, I think for us is a lot more. Yeah, but yeah, like I think even men, like in general, like we need a little bit more than just hey you want to hook up?

Yeah, yeah, exactly, Yeah, yeah, definitely all right. Basically I think that it's a funny and nice characters need to come back to take two.

I would love that, honest.

Oh my god, you know what, you know what, I can pitch this, let's pitch this, and there is the chemistry, but they're never doing anything because.

Which is so there's attention where these two characters you can feel the tension, but they I'm like kids and they never do so amazing.

Okay, ready for this questions? Okay, you go, you got to ask ask what is your biggest turn on on? Yeah?

Patient?

Oh wow?

Yeah, tolerance, patience.

Because I got that's very sexy.

Somebody's patient. It means it's gonna say they're going to take their tongue.

That's a great.

Yeah.

Lena says, what is your favorite possession in bed?

Wow? What the I was just so you know you considering you kissing part of it?

Kissing is your favorite part? Yeah?

Kissing, y'all like I can make out forever?

Yeah?

I know why kissing?

I know?

Yeah, I love a makeout sash.

Yeah.

Okay, as Stella.

This happens more than you would think. Estella wrote in and said, I am twenty and have never had an orgasm in my life. I have tried toys and I feel like nothing works. Do you have any advice?

And I feel like you're not alone in I'd like to sell you alone in that does. I feel like it's super important thing. I feel like there's a lot of resources resources there. I feel like come as you are as a great resource. There's also a lot of sex therapists that actually do physical manipulation that can help with like figuring out what some blocks can be. It's mostly it's usually it's mental, it's psychological. It's like you decide that you can't and it's like, yeah, you make

It could be that possibly called sex life.

Possibly called sex life. I think I'll get back, maybe I'll comment on your guys on the podcast once it comes out with like specific resources. Yeah, I love that. Yeah absolutely.

Shannas asked did you learn anything about sex from Korena well, I.

Feel like my sex reinvolution started with her, Like because of her study, I started research and looking into it, and you know, like a Sarah Parell was amazing inspiration and I feel like all this filled those I love how free and willing to.

I want to have ask her on this show. So maybe you need to come back for that.

Oh my god, would you come back on for it? Oh my god, It's okay.

She's amazing because she's also what I think is so magical about her is that she really is talking about the mind and the body.

Exact and the relationships because.

And she just makes everything okay, everything exactly, have a judgment, just whatever it is, It's okay. Mating and Captivity is such a good book.

Mating and Captivity book. Why did you skip over the first question? Why don't you read that it last?

Jessica Capshaw would like me to read leases?

What is it?

What was it like to kiss the Queen? Jessica Capshaw Queen the Queen's typo obviously, but what was hot?

Hot?

It was?

It made up like a fair mom actually, But I think one of the sexiest things that that Karina and Arizona.

Was a little bit the dance of like I feel like Arizona was always like trying to be at work. Karina was always just like right.

Over her shoulder.

Yeah, I think I can like.

Yes, And I was always like.

Work, Mike. I just had a total memory.

What do you remember the original scene?

Please sell?

Please do?

I just thought about that too.

I well, I'm actually so happy that I'm you never remember anything. I never God, this is not self serving, but this is so amazing that I just talked about what I talked about.

Because it makes this makes sense.

Okay, so again everything I've already said, I'm back. I just have a baby. I didn't.

I really didn't consider myself super like sexual.

I didn't have that like confidence in coming to these scenes.

And and so the scene gets written and I read it probably before the table read, and the table read.

That's what we write, that's.

What we talk about, making me red sweaty and like, Okay, this is what I remember, but this could be different.

Essentially, it was that she comes in while I'm working, yes, and has the over the shoulder.

Moment, but is under the table with a hand fully like.

Full in.

Stimulation, and you're using your hand to sort of she down there, yes, and I I turned every ship read like red and was like did you shoot?

Because ABC was like you crazy? Read the table like, what is it so hot?

I start like beating faster than normal.

I was like, oh my god, because I forgot about it.

Oh, I just remember it, that's crazy.

It was a student.

Well you know what, I think you stimulated that memory by saying kiss the Queen Jessica.

When you said those.

Lies, I can't really read it. Did you want to borrow my glasses?

And I said, okay, enough of that anyway, okay, okay.

Hannah asks and we started this. I want to answer this too. What are your X doing sex? What can I go first?

Which did you answer? I did?

Let you smell? Smell wait, like natural.

Smell. Ever have you ever had a Oh you've had a stinky hasn't everyone. I'm trying to think. No, I don't think I got a steak full on. They left.

I had to change the sheets, like the morning, take.

Shanley steamers, next morning, Steely, that's garbe it's cleaner.

Yeah, that's my Stanley Steamers. At three o'clock in the morning, shower, wash the hair, like everything. I was like, smell Yeah, just wrong, body, just so wrong.

I was like, it was like body, I think it was like natural fair.

Not agreed.

Did you smell it before the clothes came off? God?

Yeah, I think that's actually might be the best that I've ever heard.

What's I was gonna say? I really can't stand it when guys keep their socks on.

That alkay's funny they keep their socks.

Specifically talking about that business business, just the s I have and I have girlfriends who have had the experience where a guys decided to keep their socks on.

Naked.

There may be a real good reason there may be well, because that could be an that would.

Be anick for me.

Have you ever seen some of the nasty, nasty toes some men are walking around with.

Yeah, well, maybe the socks should be on.

That's maybe they're doing you a favor.

Could you date them long term.

If they kept their socks on all the time?

Yeah, they had disgusting I think we would just to get a little pedicure, Yeah, and then feel.

Really bad for the person that was Yeah, a little Valentine Valentine. Maybe pad of cures are going to be the gift yea, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what is your turn off?

Uh?

We got to dig back into no good, dig back into you know, dating days.

I oh, I mean remember when you had this problem before. I mean because you basically you said that all my all my ex were just really actually like knows like you just could not do that. I think this one guy smell is such a good one, and I really because it's actually instantly repellent. But I definitely like kissed a boy who man he was man. I kissed a man who.

Had breath like he smelled like hot dogs, and I was like, this can't I don't even think I can do the hot dog.

Yeah.

I actually tried a second time.

I was like, maybe this is a fluke and then seconds.

Not the worst, but it's not great either. No, I don't know about cigarette smell. I kind of love it.

Well that's because you're like a yeah, yeah, my and also my advocate, my my, my, My. Funny part of the hot dog smell guy was that it happened like super early in my twenties, like New York, like makeout sash, and then he went on to become very famous and then when I saw him, whenever I saw him, I was like, you maybe your breath smells like hot dogs.

We want the name, we want the name. Initial issues.

Absolutely, this is one of those af these conversations.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Isabelle, how important is sexual compatibility for you in a relationship?

Everything? Yeah that was your friends.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I agreed. This is my question. It's not from anyone, but it's an old question and we've been debating it for a while. Because it happened. We probably introduced it to the crew in the summer.

Do you feel m oh, yeah, it is possible.

For a man and a woman, uh huh to truly just be friends.

Yes, no, yes, we have different opinions on it, she says, yes, I think, I think.

No, but I I have some some of my closest friends are men. Yes, a lot of them are women, but I am so I have friends which when I'm we met, we had a lot of chemistry, but we never went for it, and so the chemistry is always kind of somewhere that they're saying, but we've never we've made the choice. And now the thought of having sex with them it makes me giggle. I'm like, yeah, never because we're like past that.

Yeah, or you're in a relationship there in a relationship and you wouldn't.

Yeah, but I feel like we've just been so long.

I mean I have to say, I say, it's not possible. Of course it's possible. My very very best guy friend, my very very best friend, is a guy and.

He married us.

He married me and Matt, and we can totally like I was there, you were.

There for it.

We could go and we could go to the movie theater and we could have dinner. However, I do think it's extremely rare. I think that, like, could you if you were both single, could you go have dinner and get drunk and it not even be like a little like that.

It's always that, but it is never acted. Okay, I have a lot of guy friends that are single and we've been drunk and I feel like we're at home. Yeah, but nothing has ever happened, but it's kind of fun.

Yeah.

I add to this though, that I feel like, if you are friends and there is anything that could make it tip away or whatever, but once you do, you can never go back to me exactly.

I know that sucks. It changes for sure.

And also that's why I don't.

I think that's why you don't.

Yeahnt especially Yeah, I have one where I wish I didn't. I mean, listen, you can't wish that you didn't, because I certainly enjoyed that the place of our relationship. But it's ultimately it wasn't worth it because.

You lost your friendships of friendship.

Yeah, that sucks.

That's the thing that I hate about relationships that a lot of time, when a relationship ends, you're like, where does the love go? Five years?

Eight years?

So you were everything for one another? Why can you not say friends? I hate that.

I don't think.

I don't think the love goes away. I think it becomes quiet.

Well, I just think that you can. I just I think it would be a very rare.

All please write in and tell us that it's happened to.

You were It's it's just so impossible to think that these two people that are in relationship that were friends the new each air like that are then in relationship in a romantic way. They're not going to stop baking each other in the exact same moment. And then I think our ego comes in and then we go like or you feel like on some level, now this.

Friendship that was always.

Equal is now not because you had something together and now you don't and you know who it.

Was that was like, true, this is not for us. So true.

It takes a very mature set of people, I think, to be able to do that, and it also takes time. I feel like you might be able to do that, but after like maybe being a part for an extended period of agreed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it makes me very sad.

It's self pleasure important to you.

Oh, super important. I have a glorious time with myself.

Amazing. We love that. Yeah, I'm glad, no, because I feel like Grace was a great job of this. By the way, I feel like for guys for so long, they were like masturbation was like, yeah, that's guys do that, But for girls it was like, oh yeah, don't you feel that? And so like I just feel like that's got to change. So I love Oh yeah, we've talked

That's a good question. I definitely, I definitely asked myself questions. Yeah, I definitely fantasized over like things that I were not really my first kiss was with a girl, Like my first ever kiss a kid was like to another girl. So I feel like it's always been.

Everyone or is that like you didn't kiss You don't know, I've never kissed a girl.

Interesting, but like I had full on like wife and wife get dates with this little girl, husband and wife. Yeah that's cute.

Yeah, that's really cute.

Practice, Like I see people doing this.

Have you seen people doing this thing practice?

Yeah?

Apparently, but this is a workship but yeah, yeah, but this question is not a workshop question, is.

Yeah, I feel like definitely, And I feel like again my sex revolution face started with like grays and stations. I feel like I started like, oh exploring.

Do you feel more open to sort of like whoever you meet, it doesn't matter.

And men and women all the time. Yeah, I don't know, but I'm like right now, I'm like trying to give myself. I'm gonna date myself for a bit. I feel like that's good that and figure out.

Yeah, yeah, I think that's I think that's really cool. Have you talked about that before?

No?

Oh my god, they're going to go crazy. I'm going to go crazy. No, I think it's such a beautiful thing because I think that a lot of people, like, there's a girl here who's written to us saying, I've never had an orgasm in life, right, yeah, and she's twenty yeah. And to be in our forties and still figuring it out and knowing that it's a journey. I just think it's very powerful to share with anybody.

Yeah, I think that that's such an evolved way to come at it.

Yeah. Literally, I feel like lately, like like a few weeks ago, I went out and that waitress was super cute, like tomboy, short hair, like cute, and we were flirting in the whole dinner, and I was like, Wow, I think I need to have sex with a woman because I think that's the only time that I would be able to put all the preconception like having sex with the man away and like interesting to be present, because I feel like that's what happens sometimes when you have

You know, so you just so I understand you're saying that you feel like you might be able to be more present with a woman.

Thinks so interesting, What is it? What is it?

Though that you.

I think it's like upbringing this social like baggage that we bring with ourselves, Like we have to be a certain way with men, we have to be Like I feel like I've definitely used sex to manipulate somebody to like me more. Yeah, and where does that come from? Why do I start like it's definitely another thought that came from me? You know, like I'm battling a little bit with like what's me and what's stuff that people have told me? I've watched people do and I'm.

Shaking it off. Yes, and so sex with a woman maybe wouldn't have all that noise.

That pressure, would just like exactly exactly, it wouldn't have all that noise. That's what it feels like.

I love this.

Yeah, it is.

A fantas Okay, I feel like you are in I feel like you're in a Your vibration is very evolved right now. Oh yeah, Like I feel like it's all very feel journey. Yeah, yeah for sure.

Yeah.

I usually I usually get to be older sister in this little duo, but I'm feeling.

Younger, a little bit stid a bit.

I love this, but I know, I mean, dare I say I do thing for those that have their eyes and ears open to it. This kind of conversation is happening, and I think it's so incredibly important, a great to every age, right, I mean reprogramming. We talk about it a lot where it's like it's the reset button that which has not served you.

What the do you need it for anymore?

Yeah?

Idea, like what's like sub conscious programming?

The book is because you were talking about Come As You Are.

The other one is she comes first, She comes first.

I love I So this is so hot hearing somebody. I'm listening to it so to somebody explain how they're going to go down.

On the side of the one on one.

She comes.

You are, and she comes first.

Authors of those books, which.

Are Emily Nagowski. I think it's Come As You Are and I and Curner is she comes first, come on?

Oh my god?

Yes?

Then and then yes a third. Yeah, it feels right. You can have the look I'll give you. Let's just don't give me that look. We just all like, look at look at what look? Okay, we have to let you go. Thank you for being just so open for the podcast and for all our listeners, I mean and open in life.

Truly, every single time I see you, I so enjoy it. I love being with you, and thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah right, you guys, it's been such a pleasure. Thank you so much.

This is this is the first of many people. This is not Stefani's only podcast true moment, but the

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