I'm getting to a place in life where I'm having two coffees a day, absolutely two coffees a date. Hello listener, Today we are chagrin to report that we are up to two coffees a day. Periods of life we do one a day and feel a little better. Two basically brings us to our knees. We the royal. We are the Royal are two coffees a day. Had one yesterday and was an absolute despair. This has been a CCP
update all right. So here we are in the stew got coffee coffee, coffee, coffee crank and throom a Si got coffee crank and throom Gang coffee crank and throom a sisky and coffee. Though frankly the crankly is not adequate. I could use more. This must be what people talk about when they talk about like stairway drugs.
What is it?
Something like that? But you know it's like I need more? What could I go to? How about coke? I've never done it? How is it sound off? In the comments below?
Should I try coke?
Just kidding? I'm a parent. Those days are behind me of being open, open to exploring. Ah, I'm in a cream sweater again, doubleheader cream sweater. It's a good podcast so far. This is what you pay for a little bit more news. Please to report today on CCP that we have some voicemails and emails to share.
Some of you may be a.
Little hesitant to call in face a barrage of judgment and sound effects. This may be the medium for you vicemail email. Many are saying this is the wave of the future tech communication will see. Thank you for tuning in to this nineteen ninety three broadcast tech. Will it change the world, We certainly hope not. I'm in coherent. I've lost the plot. You know, I often forget that I have to like try to make myself presentable because
there's a video component to the podcast. Now. I wish I was filthy and sweats as I was earlier this morning, but I took a shower, so I'm halfway prepared. That's makeup, but no hair. You almost wish I had come in as I was, and just.
Saying this wearing sweat, that's just because I haven't shallow yet.
Don't judge me for wearing that's just because I haven't show you. Don't judge me for that's just because I haven't shawed.
Don't told me for lid sweats. That's just because I haven't joll yet. Don't judge me wid that's jisca ever showed yet?
I have showered. I have showered. Don't charge me.
Believe that's just because I heaven shower.
You don't judge me. Moving what a tune?
That's just because I haven't showered yet.
Weirding sweatave vibrato, that's just because.
I haven't show word.
Judge me for that.
Well here I am showered, wearing jeans, a new shoe that I got. What do you think? Normcore chic? What is it? Do we like the show? What was it? Wendy Williams where they have a shoecam, Oh Wendy? Where are you? We miss? Yeah? Wow, look how that gavel flies so at the ready? All right, let's see what we got here. Okay, let's listen to this.
Page. Chelsey.
You know, I'm feeling a little sad girl today. I turned thirty yesterday, having a party on Saturday, but everybody keeps having to cancel on me because they're getting COVID, So, you know, just feeling a little sad about that. My girl only turned thirty once and they're dropping like flies. So I guess I'm just wondering what you would do in this situation. And you know, if you have any advice for me entering my thirtieth year of life. Yeah, that's about it.
So anyway, thanks girly.
That's actually not true. You don't only turn thirty once, and in the New World Order you turn thirty upwards of three to four times. So that's something no. I think. Once I was like twenty six, I was like, I'm thirty, it's over. So I relate to the feelings. But now, sitting up here on my perch in my forties, thirty seems like a little baby. You probably have a lot
of freedoms that I don't have. But I don't know if you're based in La thirtieth Sad Birthday person, but people here are absolute flakes, and maybe they don't even have COVID. They could be lying to you ask for a doctor's note. That's what I do to make sure
that my friends are really solidly my friends. When I was in elementary school, my old ancient principle, I was having conflict with this girl who was a nightmare for me in elementary school, and my old old principal, Missus Christiansen, held up her gnarled old hand and she said, you know the number of friends I have in my whole life? True friends? I could count on one finger. Then she held up her gnarled finger, and I thought, oh shit, I'm in for a wild ride anyway. COVID it's on
the rise. I feel like no one wants to talk about COVID, but you do. You called and left a message to let me say this. I was on Instagram, which I go on about five percent amount as I used to and which means three hundred hours a day, and I saw this alert that said from the Wastewater Studying that I don't even know where. They said that this is the second biggest surge of COVID. I don't know what that means to you, but take it for what it is. Let's hear another voicemail.
Yeah, here's a question for you. So when was the last time you shit in the woods?
Honest question, great question.
I'm in my forties, I live in a beautiful state, and I was going to meet my friends one morning, and you know that feeling of like instant panic when you have to go to the bathroom. I do, so that hit me and you're just flush and there was nowhere to go. So I mean, I have like a corporate job and stuff. Okay, that's so weird, and now I'm a woodshitter. Wow, that really happened.
You know.
I just did a hike with a couple of moms that I know, and I had to pee and there was bathrooms at the start of the hike, but they were like people for some reason just like wiped and through the toilet paper adjacent to the toilet. It was like, here, we have this great public resource, a public restroom, and you guys act like you fucking don't know how to I had to pee, but I was like, I'm just gonna pee in the woods, and then the trail was too public and I never did. I just held it
for like two hours, three hours, really p hours. Anyway, I was thinking like when I was younger, I went to camp and we had to dig holes and shit in it on overnight trips. And I can't remember like the ins and outs of that. I don't remember the
rules exactly. I remember that you're supposed to be a certain amount of distance from running water, and I was thinking, La, people don't know this, and we were hiking along a stream or creek, and I'm like, I bet you people pissed directly into the water because it's like a toilet. And I know that like most public waters are diseased and infested. When I was yearning thinking about a time before that anyway, color, what was the question? Shitting in
the woods? I would love too. I actually think it would be grounding for me. Do you know that they say just putting your bare feet in dirt is somehow good for you. I feel like Busy would know about this. I think she talks about this. She charges her crystals. Also, Japanese forest bathing. There's some scientific proof. I think that walking through the forest changes you on a biological level. How about that forest bathing. Let's meet up, Let's do it.
That's two calls. I gotta pace it up. Let's see here we go.
Hey, Chelsey, my name is Nick. I'm twenty two, actually twenty three turned twenty three.
Like, who cares?
I am a big fan. I think you're so funny. How do you deal with tone in testing? Because I'm like, I'm just like you. I have really great dry humor. I just light up a room. But when I'm texting, I oftentimes have to like use esoteric emojis or else, like I don't know, like people won't get that, like I'm making fun of them, but I'm not making that.
Much fun of them.
Like I don't want them to like hate me.
How do you deal with that?
Or are you just nice.
Over text and don't try to be a jerk? Thank you? Oh my god, you're a queen.
Thank you I am. I'll say that, Like over the pandemic, there were so many group text chains that kind of crashed and burns, And I think part of it is like it's unnatural to communicate on a daily or frequent basis with an entire group of people. There's always someone in that group that you're actually not as close to as the other people, and suddenly now you're in constant
communication with them. There's also like the whole weird passive aggressive group dynamic of people hearting things and hahaing at things, and it's like showing their endorsement to different opinions of or you know, personalities and whatever. And I don't know, I just think like I kind of have a like limited group text philosophy. Now I don't think it's healthy. I don't think it's natural. And yeah, tone and text is hard. I think when in doubt, now I'll just
be like, my tone is joking. To be clear, I'm being sincere ps. I need to do that in real life because people always think I'm being sarcastic and I'm not. Always like, if I see something really nice, people are like and I'm like, no, I don't know anyway. I think, like, you know, The Circle. I watched season one of the Circle, and you know, everyone's live composing texts. They're like Charlie Smiley face, you have a hot bod arm muscle emoji, I admire you greatly heart emoji, you know, and then
they send and something about it. It was like kind of deep in the pandemic. I first, before the pandemic, I watched it and loved it, and then in the pandemic, I was like, this is just life now, just standing in a room and texting people. It became too real. And I also was just like, I think I hate texting like I used to love it and it was like this fun time and now I just feel like I odeed on it. And now I'd rather just like
limit it and meet up with people. I think, Okay, what else do we have here?
So my story is many years ago in high school, my friends and I were at Bush Gardens theme park in Florida, and Bush Gardens has or had these outdoor aquariums that were near the middle of the park. And one day when we were there, we were walking by one of those outdoor aquariums and we saw this little fish racing around the tank and it suddenly started swimming downward and then shot upward, went up out of the water over the glass onto the ground in front of us.
So everyone was shocked. You have, a crowd kind of gathered around, and our friend picked up the fish, scooped it up in his hands. Everyone's cheering him, like you're saving the fish. This is great. He takes the fish and he tosses it way back up over the glass and we're all like, yeah, great job, you saved the fish. And immediately the fish was eaten by another fish. So yeah, the fish was apparently running away from a predator and we saved the fish by throwing it back into the tank.
The predator was trying to escape. That's my story, you.
Know, it's funny. I think when I'm alone on this show, I feel like I have to be like more of my morning radio personality. Really push it, really give you the entertainment. But it is funny because I follow so many accounts that are animals, and there are all these instances of some like we saved a beached animal and they pushed it back in the water and then all
the comments are like, hi, I'm a marine biologist. Animals do this when they're dying and they you know, it's like or when they're running from a predator or whatever, and it's like humans just have to be the godlike figure, right but don't know shit about animals and don't know shit about anything. Just got to feel better about ourselves. It was funny too. I was watching this dog rescue video and they threw a net over a dog that was hard to catch and then like it was like
struggling in the net. I'm like, thank you, Like is this really I don't know. I mean, I'm sure, I'm sure it had a better life after that, but it was funny how violent it looked. But you know, the videos I love that are so clearly helpful, is like when there's a marine animal that has a net on them or plastic or rope, and and someone cuts it off and the animal swims off free. There's no arguing
with that. Good savior moments, good human savior moments. That's when you go, man, oh man, the symbiosis between these two species is absolutely harmful by turn and then beneficial. All right, what else do we got?
Hey, Chelsea, this is Sam. I'm a huge fan. I'm just calling you because I need to tell you about this sandwich. It's on a hero. I'm an Italian hero with a chicken cutlet, but like the kind of chicken cutlet you have on Like it's a slick breaded like a classic chicken cutlet. That chicken cutlet is dipped in barbecue sauce. Right, and then there's coolest law all right, sandwich,
two pickles and melted Monterey Jack cheese. So I just felt like I had to tell you about that because it's like the most amazing sandwich I've ever had, and it's the only reason I'm calling so again, I'll just repeat that it's a hero. It's got a chicken cutlet dips in barbecue sauce. So basically it's kind of like a general savage chicken type of feeling on the chicken, coleslaw, pickles, melted lundie jack cheese. Cut it in half. You can eat it in like probably ten bites. It's big, and
when it's over you're sad. That's that's kind of it, all right. Oh, and you can get it at this place a story called Ceriso's, which is like a little Italian h joint.
Anyway, God bless, would I eat it? Yes? However it sounds kind of basic. Nothing in there was sounding like holy more. Okay, let's see. You know what's funny in comedy acting. So much of the notes is paste it up, piece it up, Paste it up, piece it up, past it up, piece it up, past it up, piece it up. It's hard. Okay.
Hello, Hi, Hello, Chelsea Paretti, Chelousa. I'm calling toask did you get my letter?
Oh my god, that really did scare me.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not calling to ask you that. I'm calling. I'm very excited to have you back. I'm calling to inquire if you've ever been to Las Vegas, and if so I have. Are there any recommendations you have for restaurants lending a trip next week, and I have no idea what to do. I think we're going to get in a car drive over to the Grand Canyon at some point, but really just looking for advice. Thanks, I love you.
Love you. You know what? Actually I think there is Jose Andre's restaurant there, Bizarre, which used to be in LA and now it isn't and I miss it. So that's what I would do, Bizarre. Hope it's still there. I actually don't know if that's right for sure. Here we go next.
Hi, Chelsea. My name is Bill. I live in Brookline, Massachusetts. I just wanted to share the best thing I ever heard somebody say in public. I was a poor of the Authority bus terminal in New York City and a homeless guy was walking close to me and I heard him say this, I want to hit her in face with an unsweetened cake, no sugar. She don't deserve no sugar, that's how bad she is. I thought it was brilliant, and I should have stuck around and listened to more of what he was saying, but.
I didn't.
Anyway, that's all.
That's pretty good. An unsweetened cake is like a living nightmare. So I think it's a decent insult. All right, do do Do Do Do Doom.
Hi, Chelsea, this is Aggie. I really hope that you would pick up because I know you're eager to hear dog and bear attack stories. I've not been attacked by a bear yet, but I was recently attacked.
By my neighbor's dog, okay, and he bit me right in the butt, took a nice little chunk out.
Oh.
Told my apartment complex and they kicked him out. And so I'm considering getting a tattoo near the byte mark and was wondering what you you thought about it.
I need to see that bike, right, I gotta see that bite mark. Send me a poto. I was gonna say, post a photo poto, send me a photo, but but ah, crop out your butthole, your crack, the under under crevice of your butt, if possible, and just let me see that actual bite mark. I'll help you think of a tattoo idea thank you. Okay. Covid food, Chelsey.
I have COVID cranking through.
My sy second biggest surch worst.
I need like a food test for people who can't taste food, Like what's the best thing to eat when I can't taste anything, can't smell anything. Not sure if I'm eating poison or not. Any hot hot COVID tips appreciated.
Okay, thank you for coming back for poison. Does it have a goal and crossbones? Crossbones, crossed bones, you know what I mean? Does it have a skull on it and in a little bottle and it's like got red exclamation points all over it? Don't drink that. Now. I've actually given this more thought than you would expect. I've had COVID once, didn't lose my taste or smell, luckily, but I've thought about it a lot because it would
be my worst Hell. I'm very curious if there's been any progress in that with people who've lost their taste or smell from COVID. But I think I would try sesshuan food to see if I could get my senses going. I would try sesshuan food. I would try ginger was sabi, something super tart like tart, cherry juice and see. But I'm assuming people have tried all these things and nothing works. It just seems to me there's got to be some way to treat this because it's so prevalent. Okay, I
don't have that answer. Those are my ideas. Okay. Constantly yearning is the name of the next voicemail.
Hey, Chelsea, I just decided to call in because I think that you're really funny and.
Callers. Do you think that we should cut when people greet me like, hey Chelsea going forward? Should we cut that? Is that annoying to you? Or do you like it? Do you like the familiarity? Okay?
So have a deep seated yearning that is in my bones at all times, and I was wondering how do you combat just kind of a general strong yearning for just a great love and an epic story because I'm constantly battling that. So thanks so much. I hope to hear you. You know what, God, and have a great day.
You were born in the wrong century. This sounds like something out of Wuthering Heights. You know what helps age? Just keep age and you'll give up on all your dreams, hopes, aspirations. Uh No, I don't know. I think I think that's part of existence, right. I don't want to sound like Pete Holmes, but human nature, we yearn for things. Otherwise we're just like a little blob. And you're like, am I here? Am I present? So keep yearning and then get on Rayah. No, I don't know what you normal
people get on. I've never been on any of it. Honestly, I missed the boat. No, but my thing like I did Nicole Buyer's and she was looking for love. And my suggestion was go to like events at a museum or like things that are just interesting and see if someone interesting is there? All right? Do last two?
Hello, Chelsea, it's good to hear from you in a parasocial world. Big question. Have you ever thought of changing your name your last name to Parretti Peel so that we can go by Chelsea pep.
Oh, that's a good idea, or Chel's.
Pepe Chelse pep pep. Yeah, that's great.
Chelsea thought that I have the wow like that's cool because that's like a call with a practical application. I love it, Chelse Parretti Peel. And I want to change my first name to Chelse so it's no longer like a nickname. It's like, no, my name is Chelse peep. Okay.
Last voicemail, Hi, Chelsea, This is Andrew from Atlanta, and I'm so excited for your podcast. I just got some Bedia tacos from.
This place next to a gas station.
I'm so excited to eat them.
That's my food.
Test for you.
Talk about shitting in the woods. No, I actually do love those Ya tacos. They're so good. There. I drove all the way to like I think, North Hollywood. Some truck out there that I read makes them really good, and had them. They were very good. And all right, that concludes voicemails.
We did it, We did it, Oh.
All right. Snuck a couple of bites on my breakfast. It's been a busy day already. And what time is it? Ten fifty eight? Can you fucking believe it? Holy moly? What someone just texted me? Earthquake? I didn't feel one. Was there an earthquake? God, that would be the worst fucking thing to happen right now. I would hate it. I would hate it. There was one in Japan, right a horrible one. Oh God, what would be the news cycle that I would want? Right now? I feel like
this is what my dream news cycle would be. Good evening, and thank you for tuning in to the Evening News Today. Every ethnic group and religious group loves each other, and we have bridged the gap. No one is fighting over land, no one is bereft of food, no one is being harmed or harming someone. Natural disasters have come to a close. There were not reports of alien encounters that were declassified. That was a joke for April fools. People believe in
unity again. Resources are shared. Everyone loves each other. Everyone loves each other. We sing all the news. The arts are part of life.
Now I have talent.
How cool would that be to see a news anchor become free? Okay, so now we gotta we got some emails. Maybe I'll take some calls and then we'll do some emails. Let me post that I'm taking calls. Is there a theme? Let's make it be? What is your idea of utopia? Okay, wow, what is your idea of you? TB? The powers that be do not want me to talk about utopia because everyone wants destruction. Okay, let's see ooh ooh ooh ill ill ill mm hmmmm ooh baby baby is a world?
Woo do do do do do do do oh? Also, kojak, I think we should make songs like for the voicemails and emails like well, using your voice? Do you make some mail using your voice. Do you make some mail.
Coin advice male.
Or maybe you just make your own because that might be a little agro. You know what I've gotten really into lately this game that's sort of like Tetris adjacent called block Udoku. My son made me download it. My high score is nine ninety five.
Update, my block u Doku score has crept up to one one six y five.
What's your high score? Listener? Have you ever played block Udoku? No, just in case you start, just my if you want to write it down, my high score is nine ninety five. Let's see if you can beat it.
No, okay, I is that high or is that low?
I don't know. I have no point of comparison. I will say, like it goes, try to beat this score. Only forty percent of people can beat this, And then I start feeling really superior if I can. But I'm sure they just do that. So you keep playing, you know, but maybe you are really good at Maybe I am. I It's sometimes I'm tempted to get my IQ tested, you know, like Howard Stern had his whole staff do that? Did you? I think? And so I am like, I just keep thinking about this guy he used to be
the pianist at the comedy store. May He Rest in peace and right. He was mad at me one night and right before I went on stage, he was like, have a good set. I hope you I hope the audience thinks you're as smart as you think you are. And it just really fucked me up. I had the worst set ever because in the in my head the whole time, I'm like, does everyone just think I think
I'm so smart? Is that my vibe on stage? And I'm like, it kind of is, and I do kind of think I'm smart, And I would be kind of curious, even though of course IQ testing is flawed. I'd be kind of curious is to know what it was. But I think it could ruin my life if I was like really low IQ.
I think it's one of those things where you don't want to let that cat out of that.
Bag, right, And what if it was high? Maybe I would become really insufferable.
Yeah, that'd be worse.
Yeah, Yeah, I'd be like, well, listen, I know who I'm talking to here, you know. I'd be like I think, yeah, I'd be like callers call in if you're high IQ, get tested. So wait, So did you call with an idea of utopia?
I did.
Okay, let's hear it.
Okay, my utopia, it's just having a nice normal day for me, you know.
So for me it's be a little gardening, I do arts, a little painting.
I don't want to think too crazy for utopia.
Just like a nice, pleasant day every day.
It would be great, right, A simple life, simple boy. Yeah, listen, sounds great.
Sounds great.
I mean, I guess it's.
Boring, right, but boring is good.
Yeah, it's not so bad.
Yeah, but it is for this podcast.
I don't know.
I'm not nervous.
I didn't expect anyone to.
I had to do it. I gotta keep things moving. Listen. I held back with Pete Holmes. I held back so much, and now I'm like, what a hello caller?
Hi?
How are you?
Oh my god?
Expecting that I just jumped in my stomach?
Yeah?
Same, but for a different reason. I have. I jumped in my stomach too, but for a different reason, I have tape worm. Could you imagine that's up there? That is up there with my biggest fears, tapeworm. You ever see this video of these bears walking around with huge God trailing out of their ass.
I did see that video. I was like, I couldn't I just wanted to step on the worms.
I couldn't believe it. But if you stepped on those worms, it would tear out their intestines. Like apparently they just eventually gone, Yeah, they get shitted out when it's time.
Oh, I didn't know it, Like.
It's not to you, but to the tapeworms. You know, that would be the bears, the bear's asshole singing that tune. True, So you know, I kind of already want to bail on my utopia question because it just feels like it's going to be boring. But let's what is your what is your what? What is your idea of utopia? And part two? Do you play block ud.
Dook block Sudoku, block ou Doku?
What is that?
It's a game? I should be paid? Why am I not getting ads? Huh? I should be paid to do an ad for block u Dooku, and here I am doing it for free?
Can you just do it? Like add it to your sponsors?
Seriously, your lips to God's ears. Anyway, it's fun to play. It's like Tetris and you move the pieces in you don't have to let them drop into where they would fish.
Oh.
I have a game like that on my phone called ten ten?
Now, whoa ten ten? If you're looking for a caller to attach yourself to, here she is here. Okay, So what's your utopia?
Utopia? Honestly, I was glad when you said you wanted to bail on that because but.
All right, well listen, I have a couple. Forget it, I have a couple of dreams.
I'll share my couple.
No, if you don't like the topic, I don't want you to force it, even though the whole theme of my performance on this episode is forcing it.
Okay, you know what, we'll move on.
I mean, if you want to force it, you can go for your like, really sell it, really sell this utopia.
Oh oh god, well now I'm going to force it.
Okay.
A lot of dogs, A lot of dogs?
Great?
Yeah, I ran bone broth out of faucets.
Ugh, it would be disgusting. You're trying to like, I don't know that would be.
You're like a faceted but like a keg, a faucet is aggressive.
Yeah, faucet is aggressive bone broth.
And it takes me twelve hours and I and it just may and it lasts me like a day.
I'm going to say something that's going to absolutely upend your entire world. You can purchase boom Broth. You can absence utely purchased bone bra. It's at a lot of stores. It's very trendy to eat. And you can purchase sick Girl.
No, but then purchasing it, they add, you have to.
See if we can purchase bone bra.
Because the cheap bone bras has like those preservatives in it. It doesn't do the job.
So maybe your utopia. No animals are given hormones, they're not given preservatives. Yeah, you know what I meant to google today is whistling good for you? I literally and in fact, I'll do it now.
Is what good for you?
Whistling? Okay?
Oh wow?
I was whistling in the car and I was thinking, I wonder if this is good for you in any way, like your face, muscles or you know, or whatever or anyway. So let's see here I am, I'm googling it. Domine, it's drum.
Roll it is.
It says whistling pulls oxygen into our bodies, increases blood flow, improves mood, and releases stress are there to.
Pull oxygen into your body. If you're blowing out, I guess.
Well, how do you get the air? How do you get the air to whistle with?
It's just like a breathing exercise.
Well, you get the air by breathing in, right, That's how you get the air. And Okay, it's scientifically proven to be a valuable cognitive activity that can stimulate, grow, and recreate your brain. Holy uh oh uh oh, what are the disadvantages? Frequent exposure to whistleblowing could lead to you'ing loss? Oh, but that's like actual whistles. Oh, what is the psychology behind whistling? It helps calm a person who's in danger. That's so funny. You're like a bear
is coming towards you. You're like, you can't, I can't even if you're panicked. Whistlings really are if a bear was barreling barreling toward me, and I don't know how fast can a bear run? Now I have to google that. I think it's how fast?
Did you see the videos like that bear chasing that boat in the water and it was just reckoned through the water.
Was that real? Some of these videos are fake Okay, hold on, Now here's the question, how fast can a bear run?
I'm gonna guess. Wait, can I guess?
Yeah? After the drum roll, dummy, I said, after, what's your guess?
Thirty six miles an hour?
Close? What is forty miles an hour? So there's a bear barreling towards you at forty miles an hour? And you're like, also, I just learned something that's an inhale whistle.
Yeah, I like inhale whistle better.
This is me. If a bear is coming at me, you hit the inhale and exhale whistle as the bear's barreling. Bears barreling towards you, bear's barreling towards you. When a bear is barreling towards you, you gotta find your whistles. Whistle, whistle, whistle. You know, my dad always made fun of my whistle growing up. He said it was too breathy. So now I'm very self conscious, like trying to get pure whistle sound.
But when I felt, I can't tell if it's like that breathy for my am, but it sounds like a standard whistle.
I think he's better at whistling. But like in a panicked moment, it becomes definitely more breathy. You're like, very breathy.
It's an even whistle when I'm like.
Yeah, I think when you're really scared, pursing your lips tightly is like completely anesthetical to being afraid you want to you know what I mean.
It doesn't work with each other.
It really doesn't. My utopia, you could whistle loud and proud right when a bear is charging.
Oh wow, like whistle with your lips not yeah and that and a whistle comes out.
Yeah, and your whistle scares a bear. Here's what I realized on my hike that I was talking about earlier, when you weren't here was it. There was a big sign at the start of the hike that said you're in bear country. And I said, this is crazy. Here I am someone terrified of bears. I have not brought a damn thing. I'm in bear country. I see a huge sign that says that I know that in all bear attacks the bears come out of absolutely fucking nowhere. I know that bears can run what how many miles
per hour? Forty and here I am showing up with a backpack full of food, a couple of moms and I'm like, holy shit, I don't have bear spray. Here's the other thing. It seems that even if you have bear spray, if it's in your backpack, it's as good as not having bear spray. You have to walk with your hand on the trigger. And do you know how crazy that would seem. In southern California on a walk, you're like, hi, hi to everyone who's hyke a pass Hi?
How are yeah?
Yeah, accidentally to deploy your bear spray. You hear like, oh, like, it doesn't even work.
I feel like I've only heard stories about people using bear spray and it didn't even work.
No, it does work. It does work if it's done correctly. But it's like, yeah, you got to be at the ready. So I'd be like hiking, I'd hear a twig snap in a distance around the bend, and I'd spray it and it'd be like a family of four. I mean, people were walking in total like like not the right clothes, not the right shoes, nothing, like you can see how there's a lot of rescue missions. In fact, there was this sliver thin helicopter going overhead the whole time we were
on a hike trailing this string behind it. I'm like, is that a rescue mission? Should we be looking into that? Also, they had this chain link fence along the side of the thing, but that had huge gaps under it with a sheer drop down, and I was like, this almost gives you a false sense of safety. And then all of a sudden you're like.
The same, it's time to say.
You're sliding down the hill as you're thinking, and then the bear that's watching you slide past him down the mountain is thinking. And then the other bear that's at the bottom of the mountain that sees your cadaver as it's writhing for its last breaths, is thinking.
Ohen, looking for some more cute, looking for somebody.
And then God, the spirit, the being that Pete Holmes knows well that I don't, is thinking silence. And that's our bear story for today. All right, No, I have to leave in about ten minutes. Oh yeah, let's do emails. Okay. If you see me going like this, it's because I have dry skin on my mouth. It's been so cold here. It's colder here than London. I went to London over the holiday break and it's literally colder in Los Angeles than it was there. Okay, let's see these emails. Imagine
if a judge was like, that'd be the funnest judge. Emails. Emails, Yeah, emails, yeah, emails, yeah, emails.
Yeah. Let's see what you're typed. Let's see why get typed.
Let's see what get typed.
Let's see why get typed email type.
Leah said, Chelsea, I know you haven't specifically talked about soda on your pod reboot, but I thought your listeners might be able to relate. Every time I have soda, no matter what kind, it immediately makes me burp. I physically can't have any kind of Soto without feeling like gas is overtaking my organs. It's very strange, and I was wondering if you had any opinions on soda and
how it makes us burp. First of all, this gives me a little skeewness because there used to be this guy I think I've mentioned him before that on all social media platforms would be like, Chelsea, can you make a burp video? And I was like, Eh, you nasty freak, hey kink shaming? Yeah, I caink shame that if you're involving me in your cake, and I don't want to be involved. I'm caink shaming.
Yeah.
If I burped right now as a little accent to this tirade would have been a total home run. I had a college roommate who drank so much soda that she fucked up her stomach lining and the doctor told her not to. But as I say that now, I'm like, was that a cover for like an eating disorder? Or does soda really do that? Someone google it. I don't have the Google in me anymore. I've done too many goog limbs. Okay, broth is good. It's like savory tea
but also nutritious. Sure, big brothheads on the podcast today. This is a new email Lemon conspiracy theory. All right, now I'm hunkering down. What are we talking about, Chelsea. I planted a lemon tree when I was five, in a tiny pot. I grew it from a seed from a lemon that was obviously a long time ago. You would think it was lemons by now it has lemons by now, well it still doesn't have lemons. It blooms
every year and still no lemons. Uh. I have a theory store about lemons undergo a secret, a sec to me before hitting their shells. Blah blah blah. I mean, from what little I know about gardening, my grandmother and grandfather were amazing gardeners. I think some trees take a while to fruit, okay. And I think that sounds sort of in the know because I'm saying to fruit. But I think there might be some truth to maybe lemon seeds from store bought lemons don't bear fruit. I don't know,
snap judgment. Are figs a good snack? Are we talking fresh figs? Fresh figs good snack? Dried figs? I'm turning my gavel sideways. Eh comsi comsa E. I called the Best Show Top one hundred Snacks episode a few years back, and Tom hung up on me when I suggested figs for the list. I think fresh figs are delish, Okay, So I'm on you. I wouldn't hang up for that. That's all my emails. What a show? Hello? Hello, Hello? Yeah? Would you be offended if I played black Udoku during
this call? I'm trying to beat my highest score?
What's your high score?
Funny? You should ask? I forget I said it earlier in the show. Was it nine to ninety five. Yeah, nine ninety five.
Reminder, my updated block u Doku score has crept out to one one six y five.
Can't wait to eat my breakfast too? What that my breakfast?
Breakfast? Yeah, I'm on the East coast. It is too thirty. Everyone says this, but it's so weird to get the real Is it really?
What?
It's so real? Yeah?
I can't can't put myself in your shoes.
That's true. I'm wearing Birkenstocks.
I'm wearing you don't some new shoes that I think might be like, I don't know if they're cool or not. In fact, you know, I actually texted my stylist is this relatable? And I saw these shoes very I saw these shoes in a store and I texted him do you think these are? And he never responded, And then I bought them. I said, you know what, I'm my own fucking person. What do I need some fucking phony Hollywood stylist endorsement of my shoe taste? Fuck that shit? And that's how I got so free.
You're just living freely. I'm your very stylish shoe.
Yeah, I'm just an absolute rebel.
Are they like bell crow sneakers.
No, they're like, you know, like almost like a penny loafer, but they have a thicker sole. I think they're cool. Platform kind of yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're kind of talking about utopias a little bit. You don't have to. You could talk about a snack or a past episode. Did you have a something in mind here, honey?
Utopias? What has that conversation sounded like? Uh?
Oh? Collar? No, idea, the collar. I can't recap right now, I can't recap. I'm on the clock. Call back though.
Just snuggling up with my little dog. Oh, I've pound little shitso mix snuggle next to me.
Love a dog snuggle. It's so soothing.
It is so soothing. She's just like a warm, fuzzy, little happy bundle of joy.
I know I kind of want a second dog to be hugh.
I know that's the dilemma. It's like, do you don't you?
You know you know what? I can never put my head around colts and why people join them, but also dog hoarders. Can you imagine how psychotic you have to be to horde dogs?
I can love my one dog so much that I just cannot comprehend.
Getting another sherry. Yeah, and colts. I mean I could be now I feel disloyal to my dog now, I feel you're painting me out to be a villain, kind of fucked up.
No, no, no, no, I think it's good because then they have like a little four legged friends.
That's the thing I think. When I'm not there, he would just be happier, you know for sure.
No, it's it's selfish of me to You're a monster, an absolute monsters. I just leave her alone, I lock her up, and I say, you can't love.
You can't love, period, you cannot love. Let's see. Oops, that's not what I've whop, whoop. Didn't mean to hit any of those.
My bad tech issues.
What's new exactly?
I love it?
What's this instead of hatred?
I just love?
That's you sharing your love for multiple dogs me just choosing hatred.
That was good. I wasn't sure what to do with it, to be honest, but you you bridged the gap. You bridged the gat there we made something out of absolutely nothing. Anyway. I love dogs too. Thank you for your call.
Dogs you did it again, and dogs, Dogs, you did it again.
Dogs. I love dogs, Dogs. Dogs, you did it again. Dogs. Just you know. I have ordered three pies. I'm on an eternal pie quest in Los Angeles because I don't think LA is a pie town. The pies that I've tried here the ones you're thinking in your head. But if you tried this, I have, and it's not that good. So far. The best pie I've had was my buddy Curtis Stone. I did his show recently. Maybe I'm not supposed to say that, can always delete it in post, but I met Curtis Stone and he gave me some
salted apple pie or something like that. It was very good. You know what. I tart, good crust, That's what I'm looking for. So tonight I ordered boisonberry, mixed berry and sour cherry from a pie maker. And this is how you stay skinny in Hollywood. Okay, no one's calling except Colin Firth. No one's Colin except Colin Jost. We should have Colin Jost call in black Udoku? What's my score at the moment I'm playing as I podcast? You know what's cool. I'm my own boss. I can do that.
I actually think I'm keeping the standard of podcasting high. As I play Bakudoku. You sound off in the comments as always, Ah fuck, eight eighteen just died. Sometimes it's just like, you know, it's pure luck, what pieces you get? It's not even skill, all right? So what have we figured out today? Utopia not very inspiring to people. You know what inspires people hatred. People will sound off on shit they hate or people they hate, or a world
they hate way more than envisional world they love. Who's a scholar and a spiritual leader? Now paid homes. I was trying to be so nice to Pete Holmes, and then after the fact I was looking at his clips. I'm like, he's joking around with his guests. Oh wait, I wasn't dead. I'm still alive. It's eight eighteen, now eight twenty. That's today's best score. So now it's eight twenty four, and then it fades to black. So eight
twenty four. Okay, that was my final score. Let it be known, eight twenty four?
Did we get to this one?
Did we get so?
Fun?
Houri from will be Web before hollifrom, will be really.
Blockadoku coffee, a half eaten breakfast, A smattering of calls, a smattering of voice smells smells like podcastang.
Podcastang.
I lovelet oh Hord a fulfilling medium. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you callers, thank you writers, thank you to those who have taken the time to and now I simply must