CUTEST LIL COHOST

Okay, wow, here we are.

What is you know, when a dog starts sniffing something really intensely, You're like, did someone pee all along this couch? What is he sniffing? And he's done? Did you resolve this cold case? Oh my gosh, I watched that documentary about that lady that fucked that dude. It's like every documentary anyway. Okay, I'm all scattered. I have a new co host. New co host is.

My doggy. Oh my goodness. Look at the cutest cust ev leak at the cute is leader cutes?

Oh my goodness. I missed talking to my son like that. And I really do have an issue with Rye because like, I love talking like that to a baby.

You're cuty.

Ry is like talk to your baby like you would like an adult, which I'm just like, I just listen, Colin, if you want to talk about Rye parenting, maybe you can convince me it is the way to go. I was just like, listen, I think I've talked about this before, but Portlandia I pitched this thing where they talk like to a baby, like what do you want to get

You didn't lead kitty, Nick Kroll. We did that a little bit when he was here.

He can make me laugh almost any time by squeaking, in fact, to the extent that sometimes he calls.

Me and it's just like creak, creak, and then I laugh.

And that's what friends are for.

He's little Papa.

He's a good boy.

I've never seen my dog this co hosty ever, he is the perfect Andy Richter to my conan.

Look at this, my little mister Papa, mister Papa.

All right, so we listen.

We're in an identity crisis this podcast. We're trying to decide do we.

Play by the rules or do we get a little crazy? You know, sometimes the answer is unclear. Uh what do you think? Pooch? So cute? Wow? All right? Oh yeah. So the documentary I watched.

Was this lady and she was like supposed to be like she was a professor and she was like her whole thing was like, you don't have to have language to be intelligent. And then she gets this guy who's like an adult but like severely retarded, which I'm like, is that really still the term? It feels out moded, doesn't it. I'm sorry your child is severely retarded. It's like doctor feels a little casual. Anyway, this guy, you gotta watch it. I don't want to ruin it for you.

What is it called? Uh, it's called sorry.

I started answering some texts. This is kind of how I want the podcast to be though, Like I was like today, what I'm in the mood to do is podcast in sunglasses, wildlie text and honestly, I feel like there's entertainment value there Isn't that relatable? Isn't that how everyone feels?

Now? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, Okay, let me see the movie is called Okay, tell Them You Love Me?

That's what it's called on Netflix. Netflix kind of back.

Lately, Like I feel like Baby Reindeer was the first time I've had like six people text me and be like, you gotta watch this in a while and now whatever I just said. That documentary was called it Tell Them You Love Me on Netflix. It is disturbing.

And you know what else I watched.

I don't know if this was on Netflix, but it's about like some weird reality show where a guy.

Is like literally in a room for like a year. It is called the Contestant on Hulu, and.

He's just trapped there for so long. It was so disturbing. I I mean, the whole bit was just he literally couldn't leave this room.

And like.

I always confuse like munchausends with Stockholm, all those kind of vaguely Germanic names. But he didn't just simply get up and leave. One thing I have to say I pride myself on is getting up and leaving when it's time to. I don't like entertaining. Well, I was gonna say, like boundaryless people dangers like I would rather nip it in the bud as soon as I can rather than see how it plays out. So we did this advertising podcast. We are selling product like you wouldn't believe since we've

I know that we've sold.

Like pulling up my paperwork, hord On, may just enter this into the database. Okay, we have sold thirty million ccs of No Bear Fear.

Wow. I didn't even think it was going to be that high.

We've sold two thousand four hundred and eighty three yoga blood paints. We've sold four hundred and eighty five leaf blowers Lucy's Lethal leaf Blowers.

Wow, I didn't know this was going so well.

My doctor dot com saw eighty thousand new subscriptions. Congrats and congratulations to you starting your health journey VPH. Their stock prices soared, and I'm proud to say I'm a new investor meat shampoo. We sold forty nine bottles Celestial Waters we have let me see here, that's on a different page. Okay, Yeah, we sold thirty crates and there were of popping, big bright, shiny blue circles with sharp green triangles. You just look those numbers up one hundred downloads.

So you know, overall, incredible, incredible, and.

It felt so good, it fell so good. My co host degrees, Oh, look at my little co host.

You did a little cool host, You did a little colost. I gotta say I bought some jeans. They're not the high.

Oh my goodness, look at my coast. What a little puppy, cutest little co host.

That's exactly how my grandmother laughed.

Oh my god, so my grandma who was on my podcast in its first iteration shout out to the earlier listeners.

My grandma would talk about hello.

That's how she talked, and I realized, like, sometimes my dad calls me and I'm like hello, I'm like, wait, I'm just doing his dead mother's voice.

Like there's nothing cool about that. Hell the hell are you?

It's like it's one thing to be like, oh, I miss Grandma, but to just start doing an impression of her where someone doesn't even have a choice, because it's how you're answering the phone.

Not very cool. Great news, we just sold another leaf blower.

It's crazy, man, It's crazy.

Oh my goodness. Right now is sae SMRF I.

Go right now, I'm watching a video of three hummingbirds being fed out of a little syringe and they're sticking.

Their beaks inside the syringe and cobbling up some nectar. There's one, two, three hummingbirds in the nest. They're having delicious nectar out of a syringe with a wide mouth relatively speaking.

Because this is why I couldn't do as MR. I'm like too neurotic.

I'm like, well, I said wide mouth, but what I meant was more like the tip is cut off, so it's wide, but only for Oh I just saw me birds stung. That's cool. You can see more on wildcare bait Areas Instagram account out here saving Birds.

Do you know that I've muted almost everyone I follow? I really would love to know if that's the case for everyone. Also, is there Like I feel like I'm like getting to where I'm like, where is the party? Like it's not on Instagram, but that's all I really mess around with. Also, I'm starting to like cover your ears co host Big dogs.

Big dogs are so cute, do you guys?

Look at that doggiest account on Instagram, the Doggist or something. He had these dogs king corsos and they can kill coyotes, which I think would be so cool in La.

Just let it off leash and just watch it fucking massacre coyotes throughout your neighborhood. And then you're like, come back, come back, they're covered in blood.

You like, you what a cud little baby. But right now I'm looking at a great Pyrenees. Ooh, there's a kyote pa toti.

So cute.

I don't know. Maybe a big dog is the way to go cover your ears. Covery hear umong his ears.

You're so cute.

Fuck, I've never seen my dog this calm. It's like, I don't want to say it's a turn on, but it's so cool.

I mean, if I could.

My dog woke me up this morning. At first of all, I'm all over the place. I want chocolate cake really bad right now. I was thinking about ordering it from Superba.

They have a good one. Oh, let me just take a call Hello, Hello, Hi, Oh my god, Hi, how's it going? Which of our products did you purdass? What's that?

Oh?

Which of our products did you purchase? We're consumer feedback.

Oh.

I think I bought the shit yoga pants. I can't remember what they're called.

They're called blood yoga pants. You're not supposed to be shitting in them. That's a different product.

You can use them for shit though, too.

Right did you try that?

I mean I haven't tried that personally, But that actually is a fantastic idea if it weren't that we were simultaneously in labs right now creating diarrhea yoga pants for when you.

Gotta go but you also gotta go to yoga.

I guess it's a pro tis though, for anybody who bought them for blood.

You can use them for shit too, Okay, but you know it's probably good to have them in different color ranges so that you don't mix them up.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

So you've been pretty happy with them overall?

Oh, I've been super happy. I will say, though, I've heard have you heard of carbon underwear?

No?

Okay, Well, it's basically like it's basically a shield that helps shield uh, the smell of farts and other things that come out of your body. And so I just feel like that could be a good addition.

What like stealing someone else's product or just no, you're not creating your own proprietory.

Yeah, it's kind of like a.

What do they call it?

It's a combo, it's a it's a I don't know who makes those.

I have a lot of questions though about these this product, carbon underwear. So is the idea that you're I mean, are you just farting constantly and it stinks so bad that you need carbon installed into your asshole to like go about your day? Like how bad do your fart smell?

Ultimately, do though, like they will, like, I honestly think they're built for people that I can't control their sphincter. Oh you know, yeah, yes all the time, and so that kind of provides a right shield for that.

But does it still make noise?

I mean they need to have like actually soundproof Shout out to my own album an ep A Soundproof Bathroom.

Is it downloadable right now? You can watch the full video on YouTube and can listen on Spotify, Apple Music, et cetera.

That was part of my coffee album ep of the the Abandoned Coffee Album like an underwater civilization that you've happened upon on a scuba dive.

What the fuck?

I gotta finish this coffee album anyway. Yeah, all this to say they should be soundproofed as well as smellproof to or it's absolutely pointless.

No, I totally agree. It definitely is for the stinkers.

Yeah, but I'm just saying, like, walk through the logic of that. So you're far stink great, Okay, So you're walking around You're.

Like, oh no more, am I in the prison of stench? Fart fart, fart.

You're just walking around just farting wildly, and people are like, you know, never mind the stink lady, you are.

Affecting the noise barrier lest.

They can't help that though. It just slits out, you know, And at least you can make a joke out of like the sound, but like when it's stinks.

Like it's hard to go.

I don't know if you can make a joke out of the sound if you fart constantly, if you're just if.

You're just walking up there, I go again, Oh up.

It's like how many of those can you do before people are just staring at you like the joke's gone cold?

Young lady, Old lady, I don't know.

Hey, quick question, how do you feel about spam?

Spam the food? Yeah? Or spam? What's in my email? Do you know that?

Now? What I do?

This is how I spend my days. I go onto Instagram and I mute, scroll, mute, scroll, mute scroll, And I go on my email and I unsubscribe scroll, unsubscribe scroll, unsubscribe scroll.

It's like, why why do I have to do that? Why do I have to do that?

Labor, You're so right, And it's like it's unstoppable too, because then you'll buy something else and now you're subscribed to I know, emailing. They like ought to subscribe you to like three different mailing lists.

I know, And at the bottom it's like, no, I do not want you to not subscribe me to this email list. And you're like, oh, you just see no I do not and you're like great, click and then you read, oh, this actually did subscribe me. They use like not Not only do they use double negatives, they use like fifteen. Like if it was like I do want you to not do had it? Could you do more than a double negative? I feel like my brain is actually all over the.

Place right now. I don't know what to do here anyway. Spam the food I have not really I don't know. If I've ever tried it, I'd be into.

It, Like you know where it looks good. Spam looks good with the masubi kind of thing that Hawaiians do.

Yeah, I mean it's very popular in Hawaii. And then but I highly recommend it it. Basically, I fry it up, so I cut it into little pieces and then I fry it and then I kind of make a BLT type situation. Yeah, and honestly, it tastes almost exactly like bacon.

I feel like maybe someone I dated made me spam at one point for breakfast, It's like sounds vaguely like if I if I just digging through the archaeology, if my brain somewhere vaguely, it's like ding ding ding. Yeah, but you know what, you know, I used to think that bolooney was gross, and now uh, there's this Italian place that I like, they have this Mortadella sandwich, and now I'm like, wait, I think I understand boloney now just basically like Mortadella is just glorified boloney.

I've you know what I want to haven't had boloney a long time either.

I actually think that's what it was. I think someone made me a balooney fried baloney sandwich.

That's I mean, I'd be willing to try it. I bet you've kind of got the same vibe as spam. But I kind of feel the same, like if all the lunch meats that you could choose from, yeah, always going to be the last. Like who's actually buying like the sin oscar Meyer baloney? Who's eating that?

I bet a lot of people, probably more people than aren't. I got turkey. But you know it's funny, this is I muted everyone on Instagram and now all I get is like I get such weird things, but a lot of it is like cautionary tales, like do you know that eating processed meats like takes twenty years off your life?

Remember?

I was like eating a chomp on the like a couple episodes back and then like you know, Mortadella, Soalami things like that. I'm like, wait, don't Italians live pretty long? They eat all that shit. I just feel like now it's like Instagram is just people saying whatever they want, and it's all cautionary tales. Like there was this guy like I open my Instagram, it's like or maybe my friend sent this to me, but it was.

Like, uh, your paranoid is a gift. It's like the CIA loves fucking paranoid, neurotic, anxiety ridden people because anxiety is a life saver.

It will save your life.

And I'm like, all right, cool, I'm like scrolling that and then I'm like, wait, who is that guy? What is he a filiate with the CIA? Like they definitely wouldn't make an Instagram video saying that, like, don't.

Worry if you have anxiety. The CIA loves that it's gonna save your life. To freak out, every fucking.

Where you go anyway, I don't know. But and then like all these workout people, they're like, don't do this, but do this.

And also I'm in this algorithm. If all these people who just eat like meat with butter on it, you know how that's a thing. Wait, it's so gross, Like all these people, It's like me, no, like just chunks of meat with butter on it, and they eat like like literally sticks of butter. It's like this whole weird Instagram world where they lose weight eating like that because

I don't know. It's just a weird, old wild world. I need out of there. I need a new world to get into online.

How do you how do you feel about like do you like how do you feel about Instagram watching you? And like targeted at are you for targeted ads?

Or again?

No, I'm not into any of it.

If I could turn back time, if I could turn back down, if I could fly away.

Also, ps, speaking of did you see Celine Dion trying to sing in her Tree Person videos it.

No, I didn't, but Porten she is trying.

To belt out a song and it's like, well, actually, the funny thing is I don't know enough about singing, Like she sounds fine, like she sounds all right, but she is.

She's showing a demo of like see what happens, and she's like.

That, like it's like strained, but it literally sounds how I sound when I sing, Like if I'm trying to belt it out, I sound like I have that.

That issue. What a heartbreak?

Though?

It's like if you know, wasn't there a pianist who like had something where he couldn't move his hands? This I feel like all my thoughts are Instagram videos. That's how psychotic I need to get off there.

And before that it was Twitter.

Everything I knew about and thought about was because of Twitter, and now everything I know about and think about is because of Instagram. It's like, I myself know that that isn't cool, but I don't know where everyone is off to, like is this where everyone is? Because it doesn't feel like it. TikTok oh, yeah, TikTok I forgot. I'm not into it. I'm not into it it's the first time where I've like not gotten. I'm like, I just am not getting the bug that everyone's getting with TikTok.

That's a good thing, though, because it does infiltrate your life. Like I definitely spend more time on TikTok than I did on Instagram.

I think for me, it feels less curated, Like I just feel like I go on there and it's like, I mean that said, everything I'm seeing about Instagram is the same right now. But like there was a time when I followed all these nature accounts on Instagram, and I followed people I thought were funny, and I followed like makeup and hair people that I was interested in,

What happened?

The algo is getting Yeah, but.

Why am I even in that meat butter algo? I think someone sent me this. You know what I did today? I ran sprints?

Damn?

Can you believe it? Yeah, what are you cooking? We got a pot of chili, going, what's going on?

I have to tell you my water bottle?

Good?

I actually, tragically I do have to go, oh good, I'm glad.

No I was, I know I am going.

Tragically wait, but that reminded me that I had therapy today and we do it on the phone, and my therapist was fucking making so much noise in the background, and, as you know from this podcast, like that makes me nuts. But like when you're actually paying someone to listen to you, I like the whole session. I was like thinking, can I say, hey, I'm hearing a lot of background noise? Do you mind sitting down and putting your hands on your knees?

Like I don't know.

But then I felt guilty because I'm like, well, I do that when I'm in therapy, but I do feel like it's a one way street of how the money is flowing. So then I'm like, is it fair to expect him to be dead silent when I'm like in the bath, putting on my running shoes, walking my dog. You know, It's like, what's fair to expect?

Oh?

I missed a call from Italy? Hate to see it really hate to see it, but someone has called so many times.

That I'm like, remember, baby Reindeer.

Okay, what if I just start calling these people? I don't know what time it is in Italy? Should I just call that number?

Would it work? That'd be funny. Let's see if it works. I've never done this. It's one am. Let's see what happens. This is actually funny. Hi, Hello, did you call Chelsea Peretti?

Yeah?

Okay, Hi, I'm calling you back. Is it one am?

There? Yeah?

Yeah?

Is this a good time? So crazy? Okay? Where are you Sardinia? I want to go there?

Ah, I've never been. I've never been there. My dad says it's beautiful. And what what is uh the last thing you ate today?

Okay?

Let me try to speak Italian. I speak Italian so badly though I met my family. I met Italians in my family in Luca Sang di compito.

Do you know that area?

And they like look disgusted with my Italian? Okay, let me think kay a manjata og.

And I'll know.

Pasta pasta Okay, hold on and kiopo di pasta chicken with the.

Okay people?

Carbonara pesche pesche now pasto pasto, Mi piace, mi piace pasto?

Is my Italian terrible? Pretty bad? Right? I don't.

I took Spanish, so I don't speak Italian as well as I speak Spanish. To disgrace. Okay, so you had some pesto?

Yeah?

Are you sisters so Relee? Yes, yes, quanti ani.

And I'm.

Twenty one. Brava, I'm a fifteen.

Brava, brava. Ah, thank you, thanks for calling mi le grazi mile grazier. Okay, chiao.

Well that was funny, all right, Well, I don't know if it was funny, but it was interesting. That's so funny that I just called them back at funny. I can't believe how bad my Italian is. I really would love to speak better Italian. What if I kept calling them all night? I was just reading about like how Americans say choo choo all the time, and they're like, that's really Honestly, I wasn't reading. It was an Instagram video,

Okay, let's see what else we got here?

Uh?

Hello, Hello?

Hi?

Are you doing dishes?

Hi? How are you? Oh?

Hi, it's Pilosa. I'm so sorry. I wasn't holding the phone. I put it down for one second to get some flour.

Flower. Yeah, what are you making?

I'm making like a curried veggie for my family, like you creed veggie stew and just throwing in a little bit of flower to help it congeal at the end.

Really, I did not know there was flower and curry.

There might not be technically, but it's what the recipe says to do.

What is the recipe in?

It's an old recipe from Madder jazz Free.

Do you know her? No?

Remember her? I think she was really popular in the nineties. She had a really great cookbook and I forget what it's called but her name is Mattter Jeffrey. She introduced me to vegetarian cooking.

Really, are you vegetarian?

I am vegetarian?

You know what's actually? Oh my god, hold on? Do you know what? It is so crazy? And I do not eat this ever. Do you know what I had for lunch today?

What?

Fucking hold on?

Oh what?

Oh?

Pro to be a vegetary young curry?

No, unbelievable, a vegetarian curry?

Wow?

Yes, yes, I keep it going.

I had to actually take my ear pieces out because it was blastingly hearing off.

You know.

My doctor was like, avoid loud sounds, and then I.

Just jackpotted my ears into oblivion. I guess it just creates hearing loss. And something that's quite discouraging is that my husband, if he watches TV, can listen to it.

At a volume that is just slightly out of earshot for me.

Oh so do you do close capture?

We do, we do, but that.

Doesn't fix it for me. I still need I'm always like, can you keep it the volume up?

Keep it the volume up?

It's like annoying.

Yeah, it's like that just faint enough that I can hear every like other syllable or every two things and then one.

I can't keep it?

Can you click the volume up.

Of a cup?

Sometimes I find when do you ever have like when you're watching movies, it's it's too loud sometimes, but then it's too it's too quiet when they're talking, but then when the action happens, it's too loud.

Yes, all the time.

I actually read something or knowing me it was probably an Instagram video, but I read something that was saying that there's a reason for that. It has to do a streamers somehow not. Uh yeah, I don't know what the answer was.

I do find it when I'm streaming that's happening, and yeah, you have to be annoying, like turn it up, turn it out, it's too loud.

You know.

Guess who my co host is today?

Oh?

I don't even know who.

He's tiny.

Tiny, yeah, like short or or heat or like frail.

Short ampetite but not frail.

Oh my gosh, I just have no idea.

It's the cutest, little, tiniest little colde. My co host is like yawning, what do you think is a good topic?

W A l k's t R E A T S.

T I T T I E S.

P U s s y. He doesn't know how to spell anything.

But what I get, hoti?

What I get yet?

Oh my gosh, I've never been more charmed by my dog. This dog has a real barkin problem. I was thinking about doing some sort of boot camp for that, and then like I just got cold feet, Like I don't want someone being mean to my dog.

You know what I mean? Oh, I should make him he's making little licking sounds.

You say.

I am interested in buying half a brick?

Okay, of what you know?

You were selling a brick half a brick?

A Sorry, I have a few jobs, I wear a few ats. You mean a literal brick available?

I mean, I don't want to say that there's only one half a brick because I would be lying to you. But there are about fifteen hundred half bricks in a box in my garage. So if you want to buy them, we are selling them in.

Groups of three. That would be one and a half bricks total for twenty nine ninety nine.

Okay, I'll take the whole lot.

Great.

I'm going to have my producer take your info down and you'll be receiving a brick and a half in the mail or through your front window?

What's your preferred payment method?

This is gonna sound crazy, but gold bricks.

Oh you are so lucky. I have a whole truckful down in my garage.

Great, this is all working on sort of almost too perfectly. This is one of those calls that's almost too perfect from top to bott Guess who my co host is today?

Is it a male or female? Or neither?

Male?

Rain Wilson?

No?

Are they funny? Oh? Silence, yes, silence is saying everything. Who is a funny male? I don't know any. I'm sorry, I only know funny females. Men are not generally funny.

Could you hear these mouth sounds? What can you hear these mouth sounds?

No?

How about this?

No?

Who is it?

I can't tell you that?

Well, damn. Are they just listening to the calls today? Are they saying anything?

Let's let them answer that. Can you figure it out? Now?

Bear?

Yeah, it's a baby bear?

Oh my gosh, this is amazing.

I finally did it. I finally fucking pulled it off.

I stole a baby bear from the mom, unscratched from head to toe, and now I have.

A baby bear host.

Yeah.

Dude, I'm proud of you for facing your spears.

Yeah fuck yeah done.

Give me come here, Come on, come up to your podcast, Come up to your podcast station.

Come on. You're co hosting, you're under contract. Come on, come on, come up, your co host. I need you, come up, Come up, come on, come on up.

Yeah wooya, all right, that's actually not the command.

It's paw, not my choice.

Oh you're just a little angel toll, a little angel baby dog.

You USh your bobby us you bobby soft as silk, you like a little flower petal.

I don't know why I was obsessed.

Like one of my friends, his mom, he had one of those like French terrier or what are those ones that always get kidnapped, French bulldogs or something. It was black and white and he said that his mom.

Said it looks like cream was spilled all over his back or something.

And like I, for some reason, I always stuck in my head, like what a silly cute characterization of your dogs for?

Oh, just a little spiel on you, you little baby. You look like you were digging around in the fireplace. Yes you do. You little lash gotored, little flu flu. You're a little flu for loony.

I know, let's get out of here.

This has been my final podcast. This has been my final podcast. Yes, that this has been it. I loved this run. I loved getting to know you all. I loved chatting with you. I loved chatting with you.

That's how my voice sounds. I loved chatting with you, me and my co host all.

Look at you.

I wish I could get my doctor talk a.

Woof woof woofoo, come on, a woof woo.

I've never seen you this, calme, little child? Is it bad to make doc how?

Like?

I bet you someone on Instagram would say that it's bad to make dogs how. I guess I should get over to TikTok because I need a new reference point. But honestly, I keep waiting for someone to lead us off the internet entirely. I really think that's gonna be like the next civil rights issue. It's gonna be like someone who's just like, we all need to go. We all need to put this behind us. It's gone too far. We need to get.

We need to get off the grid.

My goodness, why are you going?

Oh that's it?

Wow?

What an app