Screen Kids | Arlene Pellicane

Social Calm, Cool and Connected Parents Rising. Because of all the questions swirling in the culture about this topic, we're featuring the book Screen Kids five Skills Every Child Needs in a Tech Driven World, written by Arlene and our own doctor, Gary Chapman. Just go to building Relationships. Dot us to find out more.

the pandemic. And that's connected to, oh, instead of talking to people, we're now on our phones, on social media. Instead of getting a validation from our families and our church and people we know in real life, we're looking at the whole world and comparing ourselves against them. And we're realizing we don't measure up and we are depressed and sad about that. So in some ways it's the same problem. But I think Covid put it on steroids, because then we really were just with these screens for

for that huge swath of time. And a lot of people have not bounced back to build those new, healthier habits. Once again. You know, they did a Wall Street Journal article with a survey of 33,000 college students, and they found that two out of three of them were struggling with loneliness. And, you know, you think of that. I like to say this to moms like, can you imagine being in a place where there was a thousand other moms just like you, with the exact same ages of kids,

and you were all together like, wouldn't you find friends there? Right? Because this is college and it's people of the same age with same interests, same life stage. And there they all are, and they're struggling with loneliness. You know, the teenage girls, 60% of them, the research is saying, have extreme sadness and one out of four is thinking about suicide. So we are in a bad place that is getting worse because we're becoming more dependent on screens, not less.

And then lastly, you know, it's younger. So to think of your two year old, three year old, four year old child or grandchild, you know, in the past they're looking at board books, they're playing, they're, you know, doing blocks, they're imitating you. They're pretending to be you, you know, all these things. Well, now half of them own their own tablet or smartphone. Half of 2 to 4 year olds have their own, and over two thirds of 5

to 8 year olds have their own. So once you have that own personal device, there's a huge shift in what happens to their attention and their time.

there are digital vegetables. These are things like learning a skill, like learning how to play the guitar by watching YouTube or learning a language, or listening to a sermon or Skyping grandma and talking to her, you know, face to face over your phones, like, that's a great thing. Those are digital vegetables. They're good for you, they're healthy, they're non-addictive,

and you never get in trouble for them. You know, you're not saying to your child, it's 3 a.m. in the morning and you're doing your calculus on your phone. How could you be doing that? You know, so, you know, it's not a vegetable. It's it's good for you. The candy, on the other other hand, that's the stuff you do get in trouble for. How many YouTube videos are you going to watch now? YouTube is interesting because it houses vegetables and candy. It has both. You can use it

either way. So it really is the content of what is what you're trying to really look at here. But it's so easy. You could start eating a vegetable on YouTube, like I'm going to learn brush up on my Spanish, you know? But before you know it, you're like somewhere completely different because they're offering you candy all the time of other things to watch. So candy is like social media, video gaming, all the stuff that's super fun to do brings a lot of amusement, and it's really hard to

put it down. Just like if you have a bag of Oreos and you eat one, it's hard to just eat one. It's the same thing digitally and I love to encourage parents and grandparents. Can you imagine if you had a giant bag of M&;Ms? I love that family size bag of M&;Ms, and I carried it around with me all day long and I said to myself, I am just going to eat ten because I have self control and I'm filled with the Holy Spirit. I can do this. You know I'm not going to do it

because this is impossible. So it's the same way when we put a device that holds so much candy in reach of a child, whether it's just, you know, on the table or it's in their pocket or wherever and it's just in reach, then they're going to reach for that all day long. And we need to understand that in, in small, you know, a little bit of candy is okay. You know, you've had your dinner, you've run around all day, you're having a piece of cake. Enjoy your piece of cake.

This is lovely. And it's the same way with digital stuff. Like if you want a little amusement after you've done all the other stuff, fantastic. But you can't have it. Breakfast, lunch and dinner just in the same way. You cannot have cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You cannot be using screens for eight hours a day for amusement, which is what most kids are doing. Yeah.

like you can do something about this. So I think having that courage and realizing I can help my child change before they have to, or I can do it because they have to, you know, like, I can let this get so bad that I have to step in like we're at calamity for, you know, like we have to do something to this child. They cannot get out of the house. You know, I've heard of kids who don't leave the house anymore. You know, when the parents say we're going to go out to dinner with grandma.

Let's go. No, I don't feel good. I have a stomachache. And they always have a stomachache because they don't want to go outside. So what we can do, I think, is first have that attitude shift of, wait a minute. If my child was eating poison, I would do something about it. I would say like, okay, as long as you're under my roof, you can't, you can't eat that anymore. You know, we do would do this with drugs. We

would do this with alcohol. So treating it that same way of saying, wait a minute, if this is making you sick, I am going to do something about it. So it might look like a two week detox where you say, we're going to take a break from this video game or from social media for two weeks, and I'm going to do it too with you. And we're going to do these activities instead. Okay. Does this require effort for the parent? Yes it does. But guess what?

You're going to find your child so much healthier. And if you can get them back to being healthy, then imagine then your life becomes easy. So I kind of like to say, if you'll do the hard now, your life can be easier later. So if you see you're having your child is getting just a little. They used to just ask for the video game on Saturday. Now they're asking it for Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's getting to be kind of this fight. You know what we're

going to say? You know, we're going to shut this down and we're going to put pause on this video game for a month because it seems like you're kind of too into it. So don't let things slide as you start seeing those red flags do something about them. And. And you can do something about them.

so that is actually at any time. Okay. So if you have a regular rhythm of talking to your kids and grandkids on the phone, that's a very, very good thing. But you don't want them in front of TV otherwise. And I would say up to two years to to not have any screens other than that FaceTiming feature up to two years. And then after two years, 2 to 5, they'll say Academy, American Academy of Pediatrics, one hour or less of quality programming and then preferably co viewed with

your child. I'd always giggle at this because no mom or dad who finally gets that one hour of screen time is going to be like, now I'm going to sit next to you and we're going to talk about what we're watching. You know, they're like, I got to cook and I got to do my errands. I got to get cut off, caught up on work. But ideally, you know, of course, these are guidelines. These are things we want to strive towards. That TV time. Video time is going to be best used with a young child

between 2 to 5. If you can explain this is what's happening, you know. And then let's practice the sharing like we just saw on TV. Let's practice this in real life. That's how it's going to be leveraged the best, because we always talk about, oh, screens can be so useful for the development of your child. They're going to develop emotional empathy. They're going to learn grammar, you know, and spelling and how to put words together. And those

things can happen. But particularly when coupled with an adult with them, a parent with them that's talking to them about what they're seeing. And then after five years old, they say, use your own discretion. And they used to say two hours or less, but think they they may be embarrassed or something to think that people can't do this because they're watching 7 to 9 hours of digital candy, but they are doing a study of 10,000 kids over ten years, and they have found three guidelines to really

predict the health of a child. And if you're a grandparent listening, you're going to be like, you needed a study to figure this out. So the three things are eight hours or more of sleep a night, one hour of physical activity, and two hours or less of digital vegetables of that amusing screen time. It's not including school. So if you can get your child or grandchild on this program of sleeping at night exercising, I mean, this

is what kids do, right? They run around naturally for hours, and we're the ones that have given them the screens that have kind of made them sedentary and so unhealthy. So if they get that one hour of exercise time and two hours or less of screen time, that's amusing. That's a wonderful goal to strive for.

to do that for you. But I will say this. It's going to be different for every child. You might have a younger child who's able to handle it and an older child who really could not. So you have to see the tendencies of your child. So don't make it this fair thing. When everyone turns 15, everyone's getting a phone. Don't don't do that. Make it an individualized plan. And think of it like driving. Like when you give keys to a kid, to a car, you don't just say,

here's some keys, here's the car, go at it. There's training involved. There's practice involved. There's, oh, wow, look, you have your permit and you ran into another car, you know, and it's because you were irresponsible. Not because you were learning. Because you were irresponsible. This is probably not the time for you to be driving right now until we can

get this piece in order. So if your child is not following the rules and is not responsible with things like chores, homework, respect to you, respect for siblings, going to church with a good attitude, you know, things like that, then for us to think that, oh, we'll give them this device, this video game, whatever, and they're going to be so responsible. Like where is the evidence for that? Right. So there's no evidence for that. So you're also looking

at is my child is what's their character like. What's the responsibility. Like do they understand this because when you give them that smartphone, you're giving them the super computer that can give them pornography, that can give waste their time, that can give them a worldview that is not Christian at all, you know? So at best it's just going to waste their time, but at worst it's going to rot their soul in their heart. So what we have to think about, well, when are we giving the super

weapon to our child? So I really recommend giving a dumb phone first. So that would be, you know, I love the gab phone gab and what it looks like because it looks like a regular phone, because you don't want the poor kid, you know, pulls out the phone, it's like purple. It's got like hearts on it or something. And they're like, oh, this is the phone my parents gave me. So it looks like a normal phone, but it just calls text, music, pictures. And that's kind of

what the kid needs it for. So they don't need a smartphone that goes on the internet, that has social media, it has gaming. So I really encourage you when you're thinking, is this the time for to give my child a smartphone? So you know what, let me delay one more year and let's get that dumb phone instead. I think for sure,

not in elementary school at all. You do not need a fourth, fifth or sixth grader trying to put on makeup for girls or for boys nowadays, you know, you just don't need that kind of influence in their hands in elementary school at all. If you need to contact them, then you get that dumb phone and you can contact them. And then I really caution with I applaud like movements like wait for eighth, which is saying wait for eighth grade. I applaud that movement. And that movement is saying wait

at least until eighth grade or more. It's not saying you have to do it at eighth grade, so wait at least until eighth grade. And I would say so. Bill gates did not give his kids a smartphone until they were in high school. And he kind of knows something about this. So I think you should push it out as much as possible. So, you know, our claim to fame and strangeness is we didn't give our kids a smartphone until the summer before college. And my husband James,

as he says, you know what? It's working out so well with them not having them. Why would we want to rock the boat? And my senior, my senior girl is actually at the stage where we said, you know, you want to have this discussion, like, do you want to have a smartphone your senior year? And she is like, no, I don't want to have a smartphone because she likes the discipline that's in her life. She likes the extra

time that's in her life. She hates the idea of being monitored and tracked and Google knowing all these things about her, you know, the privacy issues. So she she's in the matrix like she understands like, no, I don't really need that now. So push that back because there's never a parent that says, oh, I didn't know the smartphone was so amazing. I should have given this to my child earlier. There is no parent ever who has said that.

why is my generation so aimless, so hopeless? And why do you, as our parents, allow us to become this way? So she has seen that it's very negative, like it's a they have a very negative outlook, pessimistic outlook on life. And this is a lot of why she, she doesn't want that in her life.

to love a sport. They loved going to soccer, but now they're like, oh, maybe I won't try out this year. Or I used to love like biking with my friends, but I'd rather just like, stay in and play my video game. So you see these changes of behavior of things they used to like doing, they don't do anymore. They are, you know, things like hygiene, things like that kind of slip away. They are it's harder to pull

them away from the device. So when it's time to go to dinner, it's like a fight or it's time to go to church. It's a fight. It's time to wake up. It's a fight that you see, like what is happening, what's going on. So if you see these kinds of signs emotionally, they're all over the place, then you can. No, wait a minute. Let's backtrack what has happened in their life since this change. And most likely it's going to be an increase of social media or a video gaming or something like that.

hilariously during puberty. So when this brain spurt happens, if they say, oh, look, this kid is playing video games all the time, let's really strengthen that, okay? All these ones about eye contact and serving others and being grateful and learning to ride a bike. Like he hasn't used that for a long time. So let's get rid of those brain cells. So there is really an architecture that's happening that the brain that your teenager has is the brain that they have for the rest of their life.

And you really want a brain that has pathways, the connections to people and to skills and to God's Word and all relationships, because it is relationships building relationships. That's what brings fulfillment in life. That's what's going to last in this life. So they have in the brain there's the prefrontal cortex, and that's the executive decision making center that says, you know what, you're really mad right now. You should calm down, or you've been playing this video

game for five hours. You should probably get up and go to the bathroom. So when a child is playing a video game, let's say, and they're running, they're running for their life and they're shooting something and they got to do this. The body thinks, wow, the stress hormone goes up. We got to keep this kid alive. And all the blood drains out of the brain and that prefrontal cortex, and it goes into their major organs to

protect them. And so what you end up having is this very flabby, weak prefrontal cortex, because it doesn't get much exercise, it doesn't get much use. And so if that happens once in a while, no big deal. But if your child is gaming or using social media and just waiting for that, that like, you know, waiting for that dopamine rush of who's going to like this, who's going to like this? Whoa, look, I have this. Like, if that's what their brain is accustomed to, then that

prefrontal cortex is very weak. That decision making center, that self control center is super weak and it is affecting your child's brain. Growing up, they you know, they used to say 25 years old, that's, you know, you're still young, your brain's still developing. You're not 25 yet. Well now they say 30, you know. Oh you're not because they need more time because they're not getting enough practice using

their brain. So it's very important that your child is reading, that your child has quiet time, that your child is sleeping so that the brain can catalog memories, that the brain, you know, it's I heard this guy talking about sleep, that when you're sleeping, your brain is actually figuring out. What happened during the day and kind of categorizing it the right places and regulating your emotions. And I just think of that's how God, when we sleep, how he

heals us and he helps us. And what are screens doing there interrupting that sleep all night long and it's wreaking havoc on the system of the brain. And that's why our kids are so edgy and so easily defeated.

How can how can we come alongside our kids instead of like, coming down real hard on them and saying, I read this book, or I heard this radio and we're going to that's right. As a parent, come into this to begin to make changes.

but I'm sorry. Like. Like I like to say to my children, a lot of times, I've never had a college student, and I didn't know what to do, and I'm sorry, you know, so you say to your 16 year old, you're 14 year old. I've never had a 16 year old. Or maybe it's their third child and they're like, yeah, you have. But you could say, I've never had a 16 year old like you, you know, and I've made some mistakes and I've allowed some things, frankly, because I'm lazy, mean we are all of us, you know,

because I've been lazy. I didn't want to fight with you. I didn't I didn't want that. So I just let things slide and that was wrong. And I'm sorry. And you might not see this, but this has been really harmful for you. This video game, this social media, this device, whatever it is, I can see it's not making you happy in your life. And I'm sorry. So I am going to, you know, and things like take the phone out of the bedroom at night so you can get

a good night's sleep. We're going to put this phone on hold for a month, and I'm going to give you a dumb phone instead. And we're just going to talk in a month to see if you see a positive effect in your life. So keep your voice real calm. You're sympathetic. You're on the same side. You might be sitting on a couch together, side by side. You might be taking a walk together. You might be driving a car alongside of each other, but something where they know

my parent is on my side. My parent cares about me. My parent admits they've made a mistake and they're trying to remedy it. Now, even if you do all these things right, your kid might completely blow up and be like, you are the meanest mom or dad ever. There's no one on the planet who has a strict as you. You hate me. You must want me to not have any friends. And I can't believe you're doing this to me. And in that moment, you just have to realize they're

looking short term in this exact moment. And you're looking one year out, three years out, five years out, eight years out. What kind of adult is this person going to be? And once they leave your home, you don't have any say in that. But when they are in your home, you have a lot of say. So just stay the course and just take the heat and and stay.

Keep your boundaries, hold your ground, hold your ground. And most likely, in just a few days your kid will say, might say, I actually kind of like this a little bit better. They might admit it, but for sure in time they will. Thank you for sure. In time they will thank you.

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gather and say, Lord, we care about our kids. We want to learn how to parent and grandparent better, and we're going to have extended worship and altar time to really seek God and ask God for help and our family. So I really hope you'll be a part. Parents rising in sunny San Diego.

So since we have all those things, you know we would not be responsible if we didn't do what we thought was right. So we want to do right to you. And this is what we believe is the right thing. And we understand that you don't agree. But that's our job is to do what's right. And we love you and we love you. And that's why we want to do what's right for you.

best for you, because I love you so. And I think if a child, if you if you lovingly acknowledge your authority, they won't necessarily like everything that you do, but they will come to respect you. So yeah. Good word. What if your child says that they'll be left out? If I don't use social media or play certain games or have a smartphone like my friends do? I'll be left out.

They're seeing now. Oh look, this person is at such and such a place and I wasn't invited or this person just scored a touchdown. I've never scored a touchdown. And now they are feeling even more left out. So I want you to consider that question and realize that the phone does not solve that problem of being left out.

In fact, it magnifies the problem for many kids. And if your child has competence in an area so they feel they have a skill, you know, it could be drawing or riding a bike or fixing cars, whatever, right? And they have a community of people. They have real people, hopefully at church, hopefully a few at school, maybe some family friends that you've been friends forever. If they have those things, they have skills that they feel proud of. They have people in their life who care about them.

Then they can combat that feeling of, I'm left out because I don't have a phone, or I don't have social media, or I don't have video games because they have something else that gives them belonging. Another thing to talk to your child about is, hey, guess what, sweetheart? You know, sweetheart, for your girl and big guy for your guy. You know, you get to be left out

of a lot of future problems for girls. You get to be left out of a lot of anxiety and depression that girls are feeling from being on 24 over seven, you know? Remember when we went to school? You're trying to be cool, right? You're trying to have people like you. You're trying to be kind of like the popular kids as much as possible. So when you're in the hallway, you're trying to be this person, and then when you go home, you just kind of let your hair down

and it's just like, whatever. Good. Now I get to relax. Well, kids now are always on. They're always in the hallway because they're always on social media trying to portray themselves. And it is exhausting. And so for kids, you can let them know, hey, I'm leaving you out of a lot of stress, of having to keep up, having to respond instantly, of having to stay awake at night to wonder, like, I don't want to like, miss a conversation and then come to school and not know about something. You get

to miss out on all of those things. And for boys, I mean, if they miss out on pornography addiction to violent video games, that's really going to help them a huge amount in their life. So you kind of have to think, too, of what are they being left out of? And maybe this is a quite a positive thing that they are being left out.

you guys have talks about this all the time? But I think because if you can reach your children when they're young and you can help them have interests and do other things, then they'll see that, oh, I don't want to spend so much time just sitting on the phone. So it's kind of something inside of them. I think that they do like it. They for sure like it. So it's not like, oh, I have no interest. No, they have interest. So how we've managed it is they

use my phone for social media. So basically I look like I'm a tennis fan and you know, like it's all on my name, that this is how it looks. But they use my phone, they scroll through it and that allows them to see what they want to see. But it's not in their pocket all the time. And that's kind of been a good hybrid for us. And my younger daughter had said, and we were listening to a podcast or something. And that's another thing, is just

have your kids learn alongside of you. So when I learn something about social media, I'll share it at the dinner table. Or if I'm in the car, we'll listen to a podcast together about someone else. That's not me, you know, talking about the detrimental effects of social media, etcetera. And, you know, one of my children said, you know what? When I have social media, someday I'm going to use it on my computer because that way I can use

it and see it. But then I wouldn't be tempted all day long to use it if it was in my pocket, you know? And that's something they're coming to the realization themselves. And I think that's as parents, that's what we want for our kids to kind of grasp it, to realize, okay, this is an okay thing, but we understand that they are trying to hijack my attention like they're very powerful technology companies. The US Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy,

has talked about this mental health crisis. And he said, you're pitting a child against the world's greatest product designers, and it's not a fair fight. So I think when, you know, my kids have seen the documentary Social Dilemma, which talks about like all these tech insiders saying how they've created all these things to be as sticky and addictive as possible. You know that there's a reason that it has a notification that just says someone's tagged you

in a picture. Well, then you want to look at it, right? Like, oh, who's tagged me in a picture? Now you're opening your phone. Well, they could have designed it so that the picture just pops up. You know, instead of that, you've been tagged in a picture. You know, they could have designed it. So you just peek at it and say, oh, look at I'm in this picture. But no, they want you

in the app. They want you there. So under I think when your child my kids since they kind of understand oh my goodness, they're trying to manipulate me for my attention. They're trying to to feed me things. I don't want that in my life. I want to be in charge of what they're feeding me and not vice versa. So there becomes then an independence. And I think that's really what we want, what we want to put in our young people.

that they're not playing the super violent video game? Would it be that they're going to bed not with their phone, but, you know, with Scripture that I pray over them and we take the phone out of the room. So I think it begins without apology, like we talked about earlier, that, hey, I've given you this device, I've allowed you to play this really violent video game. I know I've been letting you watch a show on Netflix, but I don't think this is really the greatest show on Earth, you know?

So it's an acknowledgement that I've. I've let you do these things, and I'm really sorry. And I see now that it's not the best for you. And let's we're going to take this back. Now, of course, it's so much easier to never give it in the first place than to take something back. Right? So if you delay giving the device, then they just don't have it versus wait a minute, I've had this phone for a year. There's a major ownership there. They feel like you can't

do me wrong by taking that away. I've owned that for a year. But in reality, are they paying for it? No, you're paying for it, you know, so you can obviously point that out in a loving manner, but that that it's it's always going to be harder to take it away than to say no in the first place. So if you get into a juncture that you can say, no, I just encourage you, remember this moment. May it come to you and say, you're going to say, no, let me wait. You know, just say no. Let me wait.

So don't give in. In that moment. No, let me wait. But if it's already been out, then it has to be. You know what, honey? I know you're super used to doing this. Super used to. But. But talk to them about it, you know, do you? If you didn't spend so much time playing video games, what are some of the other interests you would like to pursue? Are there things you know? Do you want to pursue biking? Do you want to learn how to play pool? Do you

want to play tennis? Do you want to ride horses? Whatever. Like like help your child see that there are other options. Maybe that is a helpful way to like, we're going to dial back this technology piece. But I really want to help you, you know, with your interests. Let's make a list. What are ten things if you got to be able to do them instantly, what are ten things you'd want to be able to do. And then look

at it okay. What are what are things that we could learn to do from this list that are actual, real things that you could learn to do? And I think that will help take the sting out of, hey, we're going to take away this technology piece.

those are very positive uses. If you use technology on purpose, like you're going to do it for, you know, you're going to learn an art course or you're going to communicate to a missionary or, you know, you really have a purpose and it's helping you with your goal. I think it's extremely helpful, mean, crazy, helpful. You know, we laugh at, you know, what in the world did we do before? GPS mean it gets us to our destination. So there are things that you can use on purpose.

And I think that's the key that you before you turn on the device, you know exactly what you're there to use it for. You use it for that. And I think it can be extremely helpful. Yeah.

if this anger is right? Good anger or bad anger? The skill of apology. Can your child say I'm sorry? Like take the blame. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, I apologize, or is your child just going to not respond? You know, just lose that friendship. Never text that person back, you know, and just forget about it. And then lastly, attention.

Can your child take their wandering attention and focus? Can your child sit in the classroom and give a teacher attention, a pastor attention during a sermon, a parent attention while they're giving them directions? You know, and I think attention is a huge one because kids are so used to you think of Mister Rogers. It was very slow paced, just one person just talking. And we all found that very mesmerizing, you.

the attention of the students. And I know that there are some school teachers that have collected the phones before the class starts.

the bulk of their time on the screens? Well, what are some ways that parents can be an example to their children regarding, you know, screen time? Should families participate in a, in a, in a digital Sabbath, you know, just have a half a day every week when none of us use technology? I don't know.

a lot of it stems from us. You know, I like to ask the question, if my child use technology exactly like I do, would I be pleased with that? You know, so just kind of doing that check on ourselves. And I think some things that help are if you're working, a lot of us work from home and we might have children around, then you let your child know, I'm doing a digital vegetable. I am really working. And you know, when I break for lunch, we'll do something together. You know,

it's the idea of when you're working, really work. So that way, when your child looks, well, me, you're looking at shoes. Thought you.

text and then you put it down. I think it helps us to be more responsible with how we're using the technology, and it's kind of showing our children, yes, we do have to use this, but when we're done with it, we kind of treat it like a hot potato and we try to put it down versus holding it all the time. Now I'm the one who talks

about this, right? And I find myself holding it all the time, like I'll go to my girls tennis games and I will have it in my hand because I'm going to shoot a video, but then I'll start looking at things and I'm like, wait, what am I doing? What are you doing? I put it in my pocket like, you know, so we all struggle with this. So I think the idea of a digital Sabbath is a swath of time that you're like, we are going to take a break from technology. So it could be a whole weekend.

It could be a day like Sunday, it could be a week night like Thursday night. We don't use any electronics and we just have a game night and that's our rhythm. So I think having a rhythm where things are off, let's say you're just finding it's too much. You have too much technology in your life. Building a swath of time that is tech free is a great way to start.

But if your child has been raised in your home for 18 years, right, and they have those values inside of them, I would argue that when they have the phone now, they have a much better chance of winning against the temptations of that phone because they've allowed their character to develop versus, oh, now I have this phone. Now I can go crazy on it and like, play video games for ten hours a day, you know? So we found that it's. Been really a great and easy

transition for Ethan. You know he uses he's very funny. He didn't get the latest smartphone. He you know it's also because we were on a budget you know. But he got an old phone like his first phone was, you know a couple versions back and he got an old phone and he's like, I don't need my phone to be super fancy, because then it's tempting. I just need it to do these basic things that I needed

to do for college. So he it's been the opposite that, you know, if you call him, he's not going to pick it up because he's not fixated on it.

the screen is not so tempting to them. Yeah.

a great memory to make with your child. So have that regular time of using screens on purpose, and then when they come to visit you in real life, then make screens absolutely invisible, you know, so when they're with you, with Grandma and grandpa, that's the screen free zone of, hey, these are books. Isn't this neat? You know, like, let's go fishing. Let's take a walk. Come help grandma with her errands. You pick this out. Let's bake cookies when

we get home, you know? So these are screen free things. And I know for you grandparents who are listening, like, oh, that sounds very idyllic. My grandchildren are with me Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And that does not look like that.

And eventually they'll come around like, I guess this is how it works at grandma's house, and they'll start doing whatever activities you put in front of them. So just be have those different rules at your house and let it be different at your house, because it is a good break from technology.

sometimes grandparents feel like they're put to the side. But please know you're so important.