What does the Bible say about husbands being harsh with their wives?
I'm having a hard time because he doesn't show emotion. We get along really well, but we don't fight well.
Could you please help me?
Get ready for some challenging.
Questions about marriage, the single life, and the love languages coming up today on building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. He's the author of the New York Times best seller, The Five Love Languages. This is our September edition of Dear Gary, and we'd love to hear your question. For a future broadcast, call us at 186642431866424.
Gary, maybe one of our callers today will ask a question about something that you are dealing with in your life. So thank you for joining us. And we invite you to the website where you'll find out more ways to strengthen your relationships, including our featured resource, which is a book Doctor Chapman wrote titled Married and Still Loving It The Joys and Challenges of the Second half. Just go
to building relationships.us. Gary. We get a lot of calls about husbands and wives who say they aren't in love anymore. You really believe it's possible to maintain a lifelong marriage that thrives?
Well, Chris, let me just say Carolyn and I have been married 63 years, so we are living proof that people who had real problems in the early days of their marriage found the secrets that brought them through 63 years, and most of those years have been wonderful years. So yes, I have hope for people who feel like, you know, we're too different. We just don't agree on anything. And we don't know how to solve these things. And because
I remember when I felt that way. So the fact that I've invested so much of my life in helping married couples learn how to work through problems and find the marriage they always wanted to have, which was a loving, supportive, caring relationship. I have great hope for people. We're human and humans can make changes, and especially if we reach out to God because he gives us power to do things we never thought we could do.
I think part of the struggle is being in a situation where I have no vision that this can change, that things can be different. You know, it's always been this way or it's gotten this way and it's not going to get any better. And that's part of what this book does, is to give you a vision for what it might become if you and your spouse work at some of those problems.
Yeah, absolutely. Chris. People sometimes ask me because the book talks about, you know, the second half of marriage thriving in the second half. They say, well, how do you know if you're in the second half? I said, if you're 50, you're the second half, unless you're going to live to be 120. I mean, I don't care how long you been married, if you're 50, you're in the second half. Okay. Yeah, I'm really excited about this book. You know, Harold, Myra and I wrote this book together.
He was the president of Christianity Today for many years, and we were both in the second half when we wrote the book. So we're writing out of our own experience on how couples can have a marriage that thrives in the second half. So I just want to encourage older couples to realize we're not beyond getting better. Okay? We we can grow. We can make changes. Things can be better. So let's let's make the second half what
God intended it to be. And that is where we are both loving and supporting each other and using our lives to enrich the lives of other people.
From somebody who's been married for 63 years. You can read that book Married and Still Loving It The Joys and challenges of the second half. We have it linked there at building relationships.us. Building relationships.us. All right, let's hear from our first caller on our September edition of Dear Gary. And this one is about marriage. Here we go.
Hi, Gary. Uh, my husband and I have a great relationship. We get along really well, but we don't fight well. We don't argue well. It escalates into something that neither of us wants. He says dumb things, and I get angry. How do we go about this? He says inflammatory things, and I get too angry at his inflammatory remarks, and I have trouble getting over it. Help, please!
Well, a lot of listeners can identify with this caller because a lot of couples have been there. You know, I think we have to learn how to work our way through conflicts. It doesn't come naturally. What comes natural is arguing is what she's describing is what's natural. Because we all are self-centered and we try to defend ourselves. You know, if our spouse is disagreeing with us, I would suggest to a couple that you actually have a sit down time and listen to each other when you
have a conflict. In fact, one of you can just say, honey, I think we have a conflict on that. We need to set a time to sit down and listen to each other. I'm using the word listen rather than sit down and talk, because we can talk about our side, but we're not good listeners. And so what I would suggest then is that you have this sit down time and you take turns talking like like you take five minutes, say, and you share, you know, your perspective on whatever the
topic is. And then he doesn't say a word while you're you're sharing your five. Now he can ask you questions. You know, after you finished your five minutes, you can say, what I hear you saying is. And he can, you know, kind of describe what he hears you saying. Is that correct? And you can either say yes or you can say, well, no, that's not exactly what I was saying. Here's what I
was saying. But he's listening. You're talking. Then he gets his five minutes to share his side and you're not talking. You're listening. So the thing is, we interrupt each other, you know, he says something, and then you jump in and say something against that. He shoots back. He shoots back. You just shoot each other and nobody wins when we're
shooting each other. But if we have a structured time that we're actually going to take five minutes and be a listener while they're talking, trying to put ourselves in their shoes and look at the world through their eyes, not sitting there reloading our guns. You know, they're wrong on this. They're wrong on that. No, no, no. Put yourself in their shoes, look through their eyes. Try to
understand them so that. And you can have as many turns as you like, but eventually you really want to be able to honestly say, you know, honey, now that I've listened to you and I see where you're coming from, I can see how that makes sense. Oh, man, you're not an enemy now. You still don't agree, but you're not shooting them. You can see now how what they're saying makes sense in their head. It does, because it
always makes sense to them. And so when we listen long enough to be able to affirm that, then we can say, now how can we solve the problem? And you spend your energy looking for a solution rather than trying to win an argument. You know, if you win the argument, they lost. It's no fun to live with a loser. So why would you? Why would you create one? Becoming a better listener and having a set time to discuss conflicts, I think is is some of the keys to solving them in a healthy way.
I really like that answer, and that's a hard thing to then live out. But I have another wrinkle for this. What if you are married to a retreater? Or if the person listening today is a retreater? You get into conflict. You didn't have conflict. You know, conflict was bad when you're growing up and you tried to keep everything nice. And so you get into conflict in marriage and you want to run, you want to hide, you shut down. You don't say anything. How do you deal with a retreater?
Or if you are the retreater?
Well, I think that is common, Chris, for the very reasons that you talked about, and I think we have to recognize retreating might keep you from yelling at each other, but it doesn't solve the conflict. At some juncture, we have to recognize my natural tendency is, you know, to just withdraw and not say anything, just walk out of the room. But that's not that's not the way to build a marriage. We have to learn how to talk our way through our differences and just trying to ignore
them are not getting a fight. It's not the issue. The issue is trying to solve them. And so it's fine to acknowledge this is my tendency. This is what I typically have done in the past, but I want to learn how to sit here and listen to you and try to understand where you're coming from, you know. And so and then if you listen to me and we're not yelling, we're just talking with each other, just trying to share our thoughts and our feelings about it.
It's a learned it's a learned experience, but it can be learned.
If you've listened to Doctor Chapman for any amount of time, you know, he has these really good questions that he asks. Here's a caller who wants to know about the outcome of those three questions.
Hi, Gary. I just wonder how many couples did you actually help by which they use your formula of asking those three Questions, which is how can I help you? What can I do to help you? And what can I do to become a better husband? Truly help to get better relationship. Just curious. Thank you and have a wonderful day. Bye bye.
Well, if the caller is asking for numbers like how many couples do I know? This has helped. I can't really answer that that question, but I do know that many couples have told me once they hear those three questions, which I came to ask in the days of my marriage when we were struggling, after I asked God to change my heart and give me the attitude of Christ, who said, The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and then give his life
a ransom for others? And I asked God to give me that attitude toward my wife, that I'm here to serve her. And those three questions, you know, what can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? And how can I be a better husband? We're questions that once I had that attitude of wanting to serve her, I'm asking for information on how I can serve her. And when I started asking those questions, she freely gave me answers. And I started doing those things.
And it was the beginning of a radical change in our marriage. And within three months, she started asking me those three questions. So I think that anyone who has an attitude, I want to enrich the life of my wife or my husband, I just want to find out how I can do that. You have that attitude. You ask those questions. Your spouse will give you answers. You
respond to those things. It's going to make a difference because chances are they will come back in a week or two, or maybe a month or two and start asking you those questions. And now, if you both have that attitude, you're on the road to having a great marriage.
Okay, so let me make sure I get the three questions correct. For those who are driving down the road saying, tell me those questions again, how can I help you? How can I make your life easier? And what can I do to be a better husband or a better wife? Are those the three?
They're the three. Yes. Got it.
Okay. All right, folks, turn your radio off and go to your spouse if you're married. No. Keep listening. Keep listening. Because we have more calls. And we'd love to hear your question. Maybe you'd like to follow up on that. I asked those three questions and she never asked me. 866424. Gary is the number to call. Leave your message. You might hear an answer on an upcoming building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman 1866424. Gary, here's a caller who's been
through a really difficult marriage and needs some encouragement from you. Gary.
Hi, Gary. Um, thank you for taking my call. I have a question. I was married for 25 years, and my husband became emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive and eventually physically abusive. I chose to leave him in 2020. I made mistakes and poor choices, and I acknowledged those things. But, um, what does the Bible say about husbands being harsh with their wives? After I begged for counseling and for him to get help and for us to get help, but he just kept telling me to divorce him and that
I didn't love him. So I don't understand, um, any of that. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Well, you know, when a spouse is continually verbally abusive and physically abusive, which is what I hear the caller saying, there is a place that love will say, I love you too much to just simply sit here and allow you to do what you're doing. I know it doesn't please God. It certainly doesn't help me. And I can't believe you would even feel good about yourself for the way you've treated me now. She asked me a part of that question. What is God? How does God? What
does God expect of a husband? Well, the Bible is very clear. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for the church, he died for the church. That's to be the attitude of the husband. I'm here to enrich your life. I love you, I want to do whatever I can to help you become the person you believe God wants you to become. Abuse that does not fit into that formula,
physical or verbal abuse. And yes, there may be people who grew up in homes where they were verbally abused, and many times the person who as an adult is abusing verbally were themselves abused verbally. But those patterns do not have to persist in our lives. We recognize them for what they are and they're detrimental to any relationship. And we turn to God for help and say, Lord,
you know I lose my temper. I say these hateful things to my spouse, and I know this is not pleasing to you, and I'm asking you to help me break this pattern. God will help you break that pattern. And one of the things that you can think about that will begin to turn the tide is you ask yourself, what are the good things about my spouse? Do they ever wash the dishes? Do they ever cook a meal? Do they ever? I mean, chances are there's scores of things.
If you sit down and ask yourself, get you, get you a your paper and write them down. Just things that that your spouse is good at. They do they they do positive things. Write those things down and start giving them affirmation for some of those positive things they do. And you begin to break the habit of verbally abusing them. So yeah, there is a there is a time for tough love which says, I just, I love you too much. I like to put it that way because it's an
act of love. I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. I begged you to go for counseling. You will not do it. I'm not going to abandon you. But I am leaving you. And if you ever are willing to deal with this problem and you get help with a counselor, I will be willing to meet with you. And we will see what can happen with our marriage. So it's an act of love to to take that kind of response. When a person is verbally or physically abusive to you.
It takes real courage, fortitude in a sense, a commitment to that love in order to. Because sometimes it's easier to just take it and just keep on going and keep on going and to not stand up and to and to show that kind of courage. But you've seen marriages turned around that had been in that kind of situation, haven't you?
Absolutely, Chris, and things in a marriage like that do not change until the person that's being abused takes a stand against what the other person is doing and takes some kind of step. Now, I have encouraged people to take that bold step. It's it's very helpful if you're talking with a counselor or a pastor or somebody who
can kind of walk with you through that. Because, see, sometimes Christians have trouble taking that kind of loving step because they feel like, well, I know God hates divorce and I'm a Christian and I don't want a divorce, but at the same time, we're called to love our spouse, and we're not loving them by letting them do those kind of things continually. Uh, we're just enabling them to be that kind of person. And what they're doing is
not pleasing to God. But but having somebody to walk with you, maybe it's a friend that walks with you, but somebody that can walk with you through the process of going through a tough love approach.
Well, I want to thank our caller for being vulnerable here today, and our hope is that some question that you hear and some answer you hear will hit you deep in your own heart. We'd love to hear your question. Maybe a response to what you've just heard. Call 1866424. Gary. Leave a message for a future broadcast if you'd like. 1866424. Gary, I really identify with this next caller. It's an in-law Law struggle. Here's our next question.
Hi, Gary. Um, I have a question in regards to my mother in law and father in law. The family recently bought them a home that's closer to family, so they lived quite a ways away, a couple hours away. And they're both getting older ones in their 90s, ones in their 80s. We bought a house for them so that they could stay in that house, and they'd be close to all the rest of the family who could help them. But my father in law is having a
very difficult time. Of course, they've lived in their home for 40 years, and he's having a difficult time making the transition, moving into this new home. And of course, the new home. Everything's being paid for. No one's asking him to sell his old home, but he's very angry at all of us for making him do something that he doesn't really want to do. That's basically what he tells us. But, you know, in that interim, my mother
in law did break her hip. And so it was a blessing that they were close to us so that we could help them. So I'm just wondering how I can help him make that transition and to give him some reassurance that this is all going to be okay. Because he's very angry and lashing out at my mother in law and the rest of the family. Thank you for the time.
Well, you have to have empathy for this family. They have done what they felt was the right thing, the best thing to do for aging parents. And the aging parents don't agree with that. Well, I don't know that there's any magic wand you can wave to change his opinion at this juncture. I do think what she mentioned in that the wife had a hip problem, and it was very, very helpful that they were close enough for
the family to minister to them. That kind of thing will help him perhaps begin to realize, oh, I didn't want to do this, but it was the right thing to do, and it may take some time for that to happen. But when he realizes had they been back in their home when this happened, there wouldn't have been family there to help them. So it's just like when the family makes the decision to take the car away from aging parents because they're just too old or can't
see well enough to be driving a car. Most, most older people are not real happy about that because in their mind, they can still see. What are you talking about, I can't see. But if we share with them messages of people their age who had an accident and killed somebody else, you know, just give. Give them the newspaper, let them see those clippings of those kind of things. Eventually they begin to realize, you know, that was a wise decision, and especially if you then take them wherever
they need to go. So there there are several Decisions that children can make. Uh, adult children can make for the benefit of their parents, but it's not always interpreted as a positive thing. So I would just say, give it time. Uh, express understanding. You know, I can see how, uh, it's so different for you because you were in that
house for 40 years or 60 years or whatever. And I know this is this is different and this is hard, but we did it because we love you and we want to be close to to so we can help you when things happen, when you need the family and the day will come. I predict the day will come when he will recognize, oh, that was a wise decision.
The reason I identify with it so much. Gary, you know, this is that we went through this thing with my mom a few years ago when she was in that house. She'd been living in that house since. Well, as long as you and Carolyn had been married, then means, um, uh, and and she just she my dad had died, you know, ten years earlier, and she her medications, she was getting it mixed up. She was falling, and she wasn't telling, you know, all, all that kind of thing. And so
I suggested, we suggested as a family. Mama, there's this place, you know, and you all don't want to do that. Just fought us tooth and nail. And then finally, toward the end of the year, she said, do you think I could? Do you think I could move in after New Years? Yeah, mama, we'll get it all. All done. And it wasn't she wasn't in there 2 or 3 weeks before I called her, and I still remember where I was sitting when she said the the immortal words.
This is the best decision I've ever made. She was just over the moon. She. She kept telling me, you know, the the view out the window and the bird feeder and all of this kind of thing. And the people who come see, she was so isolated in that house for so long she didn't have contact other than us calling and my brother and sister in law going to visit her and other family members that would stop in.
She just didn't have any contact. And then she started, you know, meeting these people who would come in and say, hey, how are you doing? And here's your. Yeah. So just being able to I think it goes back to something you said earlier listening rather than talking. You're not telling your parent what to do. You're listening to the hurt and you're identifying it and showing empathy for what they're
going through. And that will sometimes bring down those walls, you know, where they can really hear the love that you have for them, don't you think? Oh, I.
Think so, Chris. You know, I think to say like to this, to this father. You know, dad, I can understand how hard this must be, you know, because you lived in that home so long and you have all the memories and everything there. I can see how this is hard for you. I really can see that. But I hope that I hope that you'll come to see how even though it's hard, it's going to pay off in the right way. You know that that kind of approach is, is is the most positive approach.
And a lot of times an older person will get in mind. It's kind of the horse with the blinders. You can't see this other thing because it's they're they're doing this to me and that's all that they can, can think about, you know, in this situation. And I'm like you said, you know, I can drive, I can do this, that. And the other thing and just that sitting that time, I think it took it with my mother. It took those conversations, those long conversations on the phone
for her to hear, well, we're not against you. We're for you. We're worried about you. We love you. We want to care for you. And she didn't want to move in with any of us. You know, she she wanted her independence. And it's like, mama, I get that. I understand the independence that you want. But I think in listening to that, she she captured that finally. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I think eventually they will come to recognize that the decisions we made were really good for them, even though it was hard for us at the time.
You're listening to the podcast Building Relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. He's the author of the New York Times best seller The Five Love Languages. Go to five Love languages.com, and you can find more ways to strengthen your relationships. You can also see today's resource married and still Loving It the joys and challenges of the second half. Just go to five Love languages.com.
Gary, you have talked about the importance of finding someone to marry who shares your same values, your beliefs. This question is from the perspective of a parent wondering what to do with her son's choice of marital partner.
Hi, Gary. This is about my adult son who is 30 years old, and he decided to move away from the principles and teachings of Christianity, Bible, church, faith and prayers and wants to marry a Hindu woman who does not believe in anything. He thinks she can. She and her parents can follow Hinduism, and he can still follow Christianity by going to church once in a way, and can have two different marriages, weddings, and then if they have kids, the kids will decide if they want to
become a Hindu or a Christian. Could you please help me And tell me how to guide my adult son. Thanks.
Well, Chris, I think any Christian parent can identify with the pain that this mother is feeling. Because as Christians, we know what Jesus said. He said, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the father except through me. So Christianity is unlike all other
world religions. But when we know God and we walk with God, and then we see our adult children who walk away from the faith, who begin to disregard what we have taught them through the years, and then now link up with someone of a totally different religious perspective. It's very painful for us, because we know that the conflicts that are likely to arise in this kind of relationship. It seems to me that neither he nor his wife.
I don't know if they've married yet or about to get married, but neither one of them value the religious part of their life very much. You know, she said, he's walked away from the Christian faith. And but at the same time, he's willing to have a Christian wedding and then a Hindu wedding. You know, probably to please his parents, to have a Christian wedding and a Hindu wedding. But if he were a committed Christian, I don't think he would make that decision because he would recognize it
would not be a wise thing to do. But his parents, we cannot control our adult children, and our adult children many times will make really, really poor decisions. And it hurts the parent because we want our children to have the best possible life. And we know that a life walking with Jesus and following Jesus is going to be the best thing that could happen to them here in
this life and in the world to come. So I understand the pain and the hurt, but I do think we have to recognize that we cannot control our adult children. I sometimes point this out God's first two children went wrong. Adam and Eve. They had a perfect father, God the Father. And yet they they disobeyed. They listened to Satan's voice. Can you imagine how the heart of God must have been hurt when they did that? And it's affected all
of us since then. So I think we certainly need to pray that God will bring into their lives, individuals or circumstances. If they're not married, that might somehow keep them from getting married. It's fine to pray that you know God will not make them not get married if they're if they haven't gotten married yet because God doesn't make us do right. So I think we pray for them.
We certainly talk with them. I'm sure you've had conversations with him about your feelings about this, but other than that, we have to back off and recognize they are free to make wise decisions or to make poor decisions, and they will live with the consequences. Because when we make poor decisions, there are always consequences. But as parents, though we are hurt, we have to allow them the same
choice that God allows them to make their decision. You know, the prodigal son, when he left home, asked his father to have his inheritance early, wasted his money. All those years in riotous living, his father didn't go out to try to make him come home. His father kept the farm going. So when he got to the end of his rope and ended up in the pig pen and decided, you know, I better go home, that'd be better working on my dad's farm than being where I am. And
he went home. The father met him with open arms. Glad you're home, son. Hey, cook some food. My son has returned. Sometimes we have to go through and endure the poor decisions of our adult children, hoping and praying that someday God will bring them back to himself and back to a relationship with him and a relationship with us.
I like it that you said it's okay to pray for them, not not to be married. You know that one or the other will decide this is not worth it, that that kind of thing. But you have to go into that. It sounds like what you're saying is you got to go into that open handed God, this and it's it's his choice. He's an adult now. You can't control him. It's his choice and hers as well, and to be able to be open handed and say, I want to move through this loving well and with whatever
comes next. In a sense, the in the garden, not my will, but yours be done. I trust you, Lord. Right?
Yeah. And I think you don't want to cut them off and say, well, if you're going to do this, then don't ever come back. This is the end of it. Don't ever make that decision. You know, God's arms are always open to us. I don't care what we've done. He wants us to come home. He wants us to have a relationship with him. So they may walk away from us, and they may decide as adult children not to have a relationship with us. But we dare not be the one to say, well, if you do that,
then I don't want to ever see you again. You know you're not my son anymore. No, no, no, that kind of approach is detrimental.
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman. And we'd love to hear your question or comment. Call our listener line at 866 424. Gary 1866424. Gary, we have time for another caller in this segment. This is we heard from a mom about a son. Here's a mom who with a heart for her daughter. She's struggling to love her daughter. Well.
Hi, Gary.
Would like some guidance on, um, how to continue to be patient, how to continue to educate my daughter so I could, um, give her the best advice. So this would help her in her life and her future for herself. She will be becoming 18. She is a lot of work. I've been struggling with her as her father has been incarcerated. He has never been in the picture, meaning he's been incarcerated since 2009. I know that I didn't have my real father and that did not affect me, and I
understand that everybody is different. She says that she doesn't need him. She seems like it doesn't affect it in a factor either. As a working parent. I've been mother and father to her. She's very beyond disrespectful that she's been with. They've been just guiding her. I feel in a very negative way, as I will still continue to do my best to guide her and try to be patient, but I just do not tolerate her being very disrespectful, even putting her hands on me or throwing things, um,
as she did start to insult me. But it's a lot of work factor. And uh, if anything, if we need to send us any information to help her and to lead her in a better future in life. Thank you so much for your time and for your understanding. And even just as I was listening to my voice message. Thank you to everyone. Okay. Bye bye.
Well, Chris, I think any mother in a situation like this mother would be heartbroken. She could she could not control her husband, who's been incarcerated all these years and has been out of the picture as far as this young lady is concerned. And a mother can do her best. And a teenager were going through all those teen years getting to the age of 18, which they're now on the brink of being able to either go to college or get a job, or join the military or, you know,
something else. And apparently this young lady, at least for some time, has been associating with people that her mother thinks are detrimental to her emotional health, her spiritual health. And the young daughter, even though she says the fact that her father, she doesn't know her father, has not affected her, it has affected her. It always affects children
that grow up in a home without a father. And the fact that she is disrespectful to her mother apparently saying harsh mean things as well as sometimes throwing things. I don't know if she throws them at her mother or just throws them in anger somewhere else, or maybe even pushing her mother physically. A mother's heart has to be broken when she sees her 18 year old daughter
responding in this way. And I don't know that there's there's no one magic wand that can be waved, because we don't know all that's going on in the heart of that 18 year old. And sometimes we can do everything we think is right, and our adult children make decisions that are very detrimental to them. And it is even it's it's very painful. But sometimes it takes them making those poor decisions and living with the consequences of those decisions. That brings them back to realize they've been
making wrong choices. They're they're going the wrong way. There are many, many examples of individuals who have become strong Christians and made a tremendous impact for God and good in the world, who went through a stage in those teenage and early 20s years when they made very, very poor decisions. I have a personal friend now who he was in jail, 20 different jails he was in over
those years. Now he's a strong Christian. He's got his undergrad and master's degree now in theology and is working on his PhD in theology, because when people go through those kind of things, just like the prodigal son, and get to the end of the road and are living with, you know, their poor decisions. God can Revolutionize that. So even though we can't make our 18 year old do what we think is the right thing to do, we can pray for them. We can be loving to them.
We can let them know that whatever they do, whatever they say, we love them and we're not going to turn our back on them. We do everything we can for them and we pray for them. We can talk to them, but we ultimately have to let them make the decisions that they're going to make. So I wish I could say more, but essentially those are probably the most positive things we can do. Pray for them, express love to them, let them know we care about their well-being.
You know, as you were talking, Gary, a former guest of ours, came to mind. Remember Kia Stevens, who was with us, who wrote the book Overcoming Father Wounds? Yes.
Exchanging your pain for God's perfect love. My thought was, if this mom, don't get that for your daughter, get it for you, because it will help you understand some of the things that may be going on inside of your daughter, so that you can understand a little bit more about, you know, the hurt and the struggle that's going on in her and maybe even in your own life. So I'll just throw that out as an opportunity to go a little bit deeper there as you try to
understand her. Overcoming father wounds is written by Kia Stevens, and if you go to Building Relationships us, you can actually hear that broadcast. We re-aired it in July. Look for the archive there at Building relationships.us. They've been married 13 years, Gary, and she is struggling with her husband's inability to connect with her emotionally.
Hi Gary, I am both my husband and I have gone through your five Love Languages book. And we're in our 13th year of being married. I am having a hard time because he doesn't show emotions and he's not tender at any moment. Loving. He's not touchy or feely or any of my love languages with me. And when I say something about it or call him out on it, he has no idea what I'm talking about. And so I don't know what to do and I would appreciate your input. We haven't had sex in quite a while.
He does things for me, like getting gas filled for my car, and he does things, but it's not emotional. It's not touching Hurting my heart and I don't know what to do. Will you please help?
Well, you know, Chris, I think anytime that our emotional need for love is not being met in a marriage, there's what I call an empty love tank. You know, there's hurt. There's pain. Because all of us want to be loved. Want to feel loved by our spouse. If we're married above everybody else in the world, we'd like to feel loved by our spouse. And when that doesn't happen and they're unwilling to speak our love language, there's an emptiness there. So one suggestion I would make is this.
Inasmuch as apparently I think she said, both of them have read the five love languages. So he has the concept. Uh, I don't know if they both took the quiz that's in the back of the book. And also at Five Love languages.com. But if they if you didn't take the quiz, I would encourage both of you to take the quiz. Now, I know you can't make him take it, but you can take it, which will give you again a clear picture of your primary love language and your secondary love language.
If he takes it, it'll identify the same thing for him. So you might just say to him, you know, honey, we read that book a while back and I don't think we ever took that quiz, but I'd like for us to take it. I'm going to. I'm going to take it for myself, and if you like. I think it'd be good if you could take it. It might help me know how to love you better. Or how to express my love to you better. So I'd get. Get that clear. What? What his primary love language is
and his secondary love language. And then I would encourage you to set yourself a goal and say, you know, even though he's not communicating to me in a way that's meaningful, I'm going to choose, with God's help, to speak his love language for six months. I'm going to try to speak his love language, whatever his love language or secondary love language is. I'm going to at least once a week. I'm going to try to speak that,
speak his love languages and just see what happens. Because, you know, the scriptures say we love God because God first loved us. Well, that principle applies in a marriage. One of us can love the other person even when they're not loving us, because God loved us while we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So with God's help, we can love our spouse even though we may not have love feelings for them, but we can have an attitude of love. You know I
want to enrich their life. I want to do what I can to meet their emotional need for love. So you speak his love language over an extended period of time and just see what happens. Because love tends to stimulate love. And there's a good chance. And I've seen this happen many times before that six months is over. He begins to warm up. He sees you, he's feeling loved by you, and he starts asking you questions. You know, what could I do? What could I do to show
my love to you? And he said, well, you remember the love language quiz, that this is something you give him. One thing that would be helpful. You know, uh, another approach is that about every three weeks you say to him, on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love do you feel coming from me? Ten means, you know, I really feel loved. Zero means I don't feel loved
at all. Uh, and whatever number he says, if it's less than ten, you just say, well, what could I do this week that would be most meaningful to you? And he gives you he gives you something. Even if he even if he won't take the quiz, he'll tell you something you could do. And after you do that for a few weeks, you know, every other week or so. Chances are he's he's going to say to you one day, okay, well, let's turn this around. On a scale of 0 to 10,
how much love do you feel coming from me? And then you give him a number and he says, okay, well, what could I do this week that would that would be meaningful to you? So I think, you know, it just opens up a conversation to talk about it in a non-threatening way. You're not saying to him, well, you're not speaking my love language. I don't feel loved by you. You know, you're just criticizing him because he's not speaking your love language. That doesn't go anywhere positive. That just
makes him feel condemned. And he can't please you, and he just withdraws from you. But if you focus on him and speaking his love language and checking on how he is doing in terms of your love. Chances are he's going to begin to reciprocate somewhere along the line. Those are my two thoughts.
I love that, she said in the middle of the question. She kind of turned it around and she said, well, he does put gas in the car, you know, and and that made me put my love language, the detective hat on and say, I wonder if his love language is acts of service. And she mentioned they don't have physical intimacy. I wonder if physical touch might be, you know,
we can't know that. But that's those are clues to what really turns the light on in the eyes of love and the emotion that comes from what she it's almost like if he were to say, what can I do for you? And she could say, would you put your arm around me? You have no idea what it feels like when you put your arm around me and, well, that's easy. I'll do that. You know, you never know what's going to happen with that, do you?
No. Absolutely, Chris. And that's why talking about it in a healthy way, rather than a condemning way, often leads you down a positive road.
Well, before we conclude, let me give you the number one more time where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman. It's 86642 for Gary. Leave a comment. Leave a question. Tell us your story. 186642 for Gary. We'd love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out the featured resource. Married and Still Loving It the Joys and challenges of the second half. Go to building relationships.us.
And coming up next week. How do you love your LGBTQ friends and family members without compromising biblical truth?
Hear that practical conversation in one week. Big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.
Thanks for listening.