Dear Gary | October

and you're part of that process. Isn't that invigorating to know?

to the Five Love Languages. I thought I say to parents, you know, if you're reading the the other book, you know, the original book for parents of teenagers and your teenagers reading this book, you will have some good discussions. So yeah, I'm excited about about this book.

the flowers in your car. Also, the flowers example being free would naturally and understandably get old as the gift experience is diminishing marginal returns. I'm extremely curious what your response will be. Thanks.

be a challenge. But I do want to emphasize the fact, and we've said this before, it's the thought that counts. And I've sometimes told this account, I don't know if I've told it on the air or not, but a guy who told me just the other day, he said, Duck Chapman, I was taking a walk. He said my wife's languages were his gifts, and I was taking a walk. And I saw a bird feather and I picked it

up and brushed it off. I took it home. I said, honey, when I was walking today, I found this bird feather and I want to give it to you because it reminded me that you are the wind beneath my wings. And she said.

of something that my spouse would really like. And the other thing is, Chris, you can also look for thrift stores because those kind of stores have things much, much cheaper. You know, there's some of them used to be a dollar store. Now it's a dollar and a quarter. But. So and you can often find some really, you know,

really gifts that will speak to the other person. So yeah, I just think we have to use our creativity if we're limited in funds to look for things that we think our spouse would appreciate, but don't involve a whole lot of money, and I think your spouse knows your financial situation, at least they should. I hope they do. And they know you can't go out and buy expensive gifts if that's the case. So they're not expecting you

to do that. In fact, if you went out and bought huge gifts on a credit card, you'd probably upset them because they don't want to go in debt, you know? So yeah, I just think we have to seek to be creative in terms of looking for things that are free, but also looking for things that are inexpensive.

can say that's coming genuinely from your heart? So all of that with gifts or with words, you're thinking about that other person, right?

not getting the hints. Maybe they knew that there were some complaints in the marriage, but they didn't understand they were at Defcon one.

been clear. They think that it's, you know, their spouse has been given many chances and their spouse who either didn't catch the hints or didn't realize how serious the hints were, they feel blindsided. So that was long winded, but I would love for you guys to talk about that. Thank you very much. Bye bye.

what it is, you know, they kind of minimize it. Well, you know, I just don't think you have to be thinking all the time about, you know, what I can do or say to communicate love. I mean, don't they know that I love them? I mean, I'm working and I'm doing, you know, so we can have an attitude that diminishes the emotional need for love. And I think

that often happens in a relationship as well. They know the concept generally, and they know that this is their spouses language, but in their mind it's not that big a deal. And so if you're you keep telling me you know what your love language is, they might get irritated with it. So that's another factor in this. But I do think the communication factor, which the caller is

really focusing in on is certainly a factor. And that's why, you know, I suggest, for example, this little game that's a word game in which you say to your spouse, on a scale of 0 to 10, how full is your love tank? That's assuming they're aware of the love tank, you know, metaphor. Or you could just say, on a scale of 0 to 10, how much love do you feel coming from me? And if they say anything less than ten, you say, well, what could I do to bring it up? Or what could I do to help

fill the tank? And then that particular day, they give you something specifically that you could do that, that would communicate love to them. And if you do that back and forth, each of you, you know, every couple of weeks, chances are you're going to communicate clearly because they're asking you on this particular day or this particular week, what could I do or say that would make you feel more loved and not always well, not always be their

primary love language. Because let's face it, it's not just our primary love language. We're open to hear other languages spoken. It says that we have to have a significant amount of our primary love language. Are these others will not mean as much, but when we're speaking the primary on a regular basis, these others will be meaningful as well. So yeah, I think just kind of keeps it on the front burner to bring this subject up in an informal way ever. Every couple of weeks.

And euphoric stage keeps getting brought up repetitively, and I feel extremely strong that we did not enter the euphoric stage, that we just dove into the choosing to love each other. And I just want to make sure that that something that others have done as well. I know many have done the euphoric stage and then dove into the twos to love one another, but we're doing it in reverse. And so I just want to make sure that that's a successful outcome. If you could clarify or give me

insight on this, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

They have a lot of things in common. They begin to share life. And in this case, read the five love languages, which everyone should read wherever you are in the journey. And and so they are meeting each other's need for love because they're speaking each other's love language. And now they're reading the book on things I wish I'd known before we got married, which is really good because it deals not only with love language, but a

lot of other things. And so, you know, I think that this caller is they're moving in the right direction, in a positive direction. And I don't think they should be overly concerned that they did not go through that euphoric stage. It'd be interesting to know whether he or she did have a sense of that in Love's thing. Sometimes one person does and the other person doesn't, you know. But if indeed you you have, you work through those other issues in preparation for marriage, and you work through

whatever needs to be worked through. And you and you are speaking each other's love language, you can have a wonderful marriage in a lifelong, healthy marriage, even if you did not experience what we typically call falling in love. And the reason I say that is because, as you know, that experience is temporary. The average lifespan is two years, and most people begin to come down pretty soon after they get married. And it can be very frightening if

you're not aware of that. So I think the fact that you are aware of the reality that most people do experience that and you did not, and you're you want to make sure you know that that's not going to be a real detriment in the future. I think I think you're on the right track. So I wouldn't I wouldn't say, well, because you didn't have that you shouldn't get married because that kind of love is not the kind of love that's going to carry you for the long haul.

in over 50 languages. So I think 69 languages around the world. And so they they learn that the concept and they are speaking each other's language, even though they didn't go through that euphoric stage, they didn't even have a chance to do that. So yeah, I think you can have a good marriage without that.

euphoric feeling. I get the tingles and they think I married the wrong person. I'm going to, you know, this is the person that's going to make me happy. So that's the struggle. You have to if you're going to commit, you need to commit tingles or not, right?

they did or did not do. That disappointed you? But we don't live by emotions, positive or negative. We don't deny them. You know, we enjoy positive emotions and we don't like to feel hurt or to feel angry because we feel like we've been mistreated. But those emotions are responses to what's going on in our lives. So we have to recognize the key is seeing love as an attitude, a way of thinking. I want to enrich the life of this other person as long as I live, and

then you look for ways to do it. The love language helps you, but there's a lot of other issues too, and how you can enrich the other person's life. And when you each of you have that attitude and you're expressing it in your behavior and your words to the other person, you're going to have a good marriage.

Talk about the tingles. 1866424 Gary. Now here, I'm interested in your response to our next caller, because it's another single person. And I think there are a lot of men and women who have this same question. Here we go.

so for that. But like four days of age or higher and, uh, attractive blonde or brunette hair, it's okay if anyone like to call her so. But she doesn't. Okay. Uh. That's it. Bye.

those can be helpful. I mean, I run into people all the time who say we met online, but he apparently he's tried that and he hasn't had anyone that's responded to him. So and in today's culture, Chris, you know, you would think it'd be a lot easier today than it was before. All the technology stuff.

then the other possibility, Chris, is to remember this. It is not God's plan for every single person to get married. You know, there are people in the New Testament that were not married supremely. Jesus. Right. But there are others that were not married. And throughout history, God has used many single adults who never married, but who have had tremendous impact upon the kingdom of God. And so don't assume that it's God's plan for every single person to

get married. But it is God's plan for you to invest your life in serving God. So if you've given your life to Christ, you've accepted him as your Savior. Seek his direction and how you can serve other people. Now while you are single. And there are plenty of opportunities in every city in this country to plug in, to ministry, to people. And many times it's in the context of ministry that we meet someone who also has a heart for ministry that, you know, we find somebody.

But in the meantime, we're not going to wait till we get married to begin investing our lives in helping other people. So I would look for opportunities to invest your life in helping people now while you're single. You know, Chris, I've had people say we met in Nairobi or somewhere we were both on on a mission trip, a mission group of young people. And in that context, we met and we saw each other's heart for serving God, and we were drawn to each other. So I'm not suggesting

that everybody should sign up to go to Nairobi. I'm just suggesting that we we ought, as Christian singles, we ought to be investing our lives in serving God by serving others.

and maybe a little bit in the next segment. I think that book, A Teens Guide to the Five Love Languages, might help in this situation as we kind of jump into the deep end of the parenting pool for this next question.

exactly what she's asking for. So I let her continue to berate me for a while, until I come up with some sort of excuse of something that I need to do. Usually the topic is that I'm too controlling, and she's supposed to turn in her smartphone at night and she does not get unlimited internet usage or social media. Also, we adopted her from foster care at age three, and I'm not the best at emotional intelligence and I'm at a loss. How should I best respond to these situations? Thank you so much.

they question the things you've told them. Because they're now thinking that doesn't make sense. You know that's not right. And so they're coming back and telling you that. And in this case it's specific things, guidelines that you have laid down for her that she's kind of rebelling against because in her mind you're being too strict on her. So I think we first of all need to hear the teenager, no question about it. They need to be heard.

And then we have to think, because there are times in which maybe we do need to make some changes and keep this in mind. The caller said her daughter's 17, now at 18. Typically they finish high school and they go off to college, or they join the military or something else. But if they move out of the house. They're going to do what they want to do. That is, we can control the time that they spend on, on the phones and with screens and all of that. We can do that. But we have to realize in a

year they leave to go to college. They're going to watch as much as they want to. So sometimes we need to think, okay, maybe I need to begin incrementally expanding some of this, you know, and if there's something you think really has to be continued, fine. But maybe there are some things that you need to loosen up a bit on. So I think that what we did when they were eight, nine, ten, 11, 12, which they just accepted, but in the teenage years, they're not likely

going to just accept them. They're questioning those things and feeling like, you know, you're being unfair to them. And it's painful for a parent because I know you're doing what whatever rules you have, you have because you think those are the best rules for them. But I would I would give some thought to, you know, whatever the rules are that you have and just ask, do I need to be thinking in terms of her independence and

getting her ready to be independent? Because once they leave the house and go to college or whatever they're going to, they're going to have to make decisions on their own. And your your decisions aren't going to be controlling them at that point. So I think helping them learn how to make wise decisions. And in this case, I think I would ask I would ask the teenager, what do you think would be what make me a better parent? Or what do you think would be more fair for you?

You know, just take seriously what they're saying, because if we listen to the teenager and try to understand what they're saying and then put ourselves in their shoes, you know, be empathetic with them and think about what if you were a teenager and your parents were telling you this? I think listening to them gives them a sense that you value their thoughts doesn't mean you agree with their thoughts, but you value their thoughts, and you want them to

share their thoughts with you. Because otherwise, if they don't feel heard, then they stop talking to you about the things that that that they're struggling with. They'll go talk to somebody else about it because they feel like you don't hear them. So I think the listening to them, even though it's painful to hear sometimes what they're saying, and we certainly don't have to always agree with it. But we can say, you know, I think I understand

what you're saying. I guess if I were your age and I was thinking the way you think, I'd probably I'd probably think what you're thinking. But let me just share my perspective, you know, and then you share your perspective as a parent. I want what's best for you. And that's what I'm trying to do. And I'm not saying that all the rules I have are right. So maybe some of them do need to be changed. And I'd like for us to talk about it. So it's

dialogue rather than monologue. That is, it's talking back and forth, discussing an issue rather than doing what we did when they were younger to just say, this is the rule. And if you don't follow the rule, here are the consequences. And that works well for young children. I mean, they need that, but as they get to be teenagers, we need to think about their own. A road toward independence. And I want to help them develop, you know, independence.

They're not they're not independent now, but I want to help them get ready so that they'll make wise decisions when they're out there. And I'm not with them.

Known Before Our Children Became Teenagers. And in that book I talk about what's happening in the the teenage brain and what's going on in the teenage brain, among other things. And I think you'd find that book to be helpful.

with someone who is a narcissist? Because my husband is absolutely narcissistic and it's difficult for me to speak his love language when he's so narcissistic, but really, really appreciated if this question could be answered. Thank you.

I'm always right. And and you have to you have to really try to find something to give them words of affirmation, because you're not feeling any words of affirmation coming from them. So it can be hard. I guess I would say a couple of things. One, typically, a narcissistic person will not go for counseling because they think they don't need a counselor. And if you suggested, they'll say, well, why don't you go? You're the one that's got the problem. I would say if they say that, okay, I think

I will. So you go to counseling yourself and you tell them, I've got to find help. I don't know how long I can go on. You know, with the way you're treating me, the way you talk to me, the way I feel put down by you. And so I'm going to go. I'm going to go for counseling and let that counselor help you learn how to respond over the long haul here in a positive and a positive and healthy way. So don't just give up. Don't just cave in. Don't just let the pain that you

feel control you. Take steps to learn yourself, how you can respond differently. And there is a place. There is a place in a marriage for tough love. So I think I would say yes in terms of the process, you want to do everything you can with the help of God, to express love to him, not because you're feeling love toward your feeling that you love him, but because you choose to speak his language. You want to communicate to him that he's loved. God loves him. And

so you're just God's agent. You're not. You're not trying to say, I feel loving toward him, but God, I'm married to him. So I'd like to be your agent, to express your love to him. And then you look for things, words of affirmation that you can give him, and you give him affirming touches. And the hardest part here is the sexual part of marriage, to be sure, because that's extremely difficult when you you don't feel loved

by him, you put down by him. And so at any rate, there is a place when you have tried to affirm him and tried to be God's agent for loving him, and there's no response, there is a place to say in your own words, you know, I don't know how you feel about us, but I feel like I have done everything I can possibly do to show you that I love you, that I care about you, that I would like for us to have a loving relationship. But it seems to me that you really don't care.

So I've gone for counseling. I've done everything I know to do. I'm going to move in with my mother. I'm not abandoning you. I'm perfectly happy to go for counseling with you if you want to deal with the problem. But in the meantime, I love you too much to sit here and do nothing because it's destroying me. And if you have children, you can say it's destroying our children. And therefore, this is what I'm going to do. And because you have been loving them even though they don't

deserve love. They're going to be thinking, wow, I'm going to lose something here. I'm going to lose somebody who has loved me when I didn't deserve it. And God can use that, that tough love to touch their hearts. And it doesn't mean they'll always turn around or always be open for counseling. But sometimes it's tough love that brings the person to the point where they realize, I've got to do something here. So those are some of

my thoughts. But you know, a counselor can help you with other things and help you process it on a regular basis.

she's recovering, but paralyzed somehow. They are asking me to sign a consent to move to a long term care facility. Now my question is, I need a sister. I need someone to be with me. I need a wife. How do I go about that? Feel alone. I'm still. This is up to one year, six months and been struggling, going up and down, sometimes moving like someone who is having mental problems, you know, because not only am I traumatized by what happened, I don't have anyone to share

the ideas. And you know, Painswick, I said, God, so should I look for another wife? What do I do? Thank you.

Marriage is a commitment that we make to another person. They're going to love them and be faithful to them. So long as we both shall live. That's in almost every wedding ceremony. It is a commitment that we make, and with God's help, we can keep that commitment even in difficult situations like this. No one would, just by nature, choose to have a spouse come down with a problem like this that apparently is going to be with them the rest of their life. No one would choose that.

But she didn't choose it. It wasn't something she chose. You know, we live in a fallen world. Our bodies are falling. And there are many, many people in this world who have blind and paralyzed and all kinds of other things, and some who have dementia and can't respond at all in any way to you. So I think we have to come back to, to say to God, you know where I am. You know how hard this is, but I've made a commitment and I want to be faithful to that commitment and to you. So give me grace.

Give me courage, give me energy, give me wisdom and how I relate to my spouse through this journey. It is not a time, in my opinion, to be thinking about someone else. Paralyzed is one thing, but my question would be can she talk? Is she ability to carry on a conversation with you? That would be a huge blessing if that's true. Then you can sit down and have conversations with her. Even if she's paralyzed in other ways,

there are people who can't talk. I have a close friend whose wife for ten years could not talk, could not say anything, could not do anything, simply lie. Was lying in the bed and just basically staying alive. And he would still go there every other day and sit down and spend a few hours in her presence. He would talk to her. She couldn't respond. He would sing to her. She couldn't respond. But he was faithful to

his commitment that he made to her. And we don't know how much she heard or how much she took in. But everybody I know admires that man for his commitment. Now, for your own emotional health, your own emotional spiritual health, I would suggest that you try to find a support group in a local church, and many churches have support groups for people that are going through hard times, like you're going through, so that you can be encouraged to

hear other people's stories. Others can hear your story. You interface with people who are going through similar things. You can pray for each other. You can encourage each other so that you're not alone in this process. So that would be my suggestion. And obviously you indicated this. You're drawing on God. He's the one that's giving you the power to do this so far. And he can continue to give you the power to be faithful in the midst of a very, very difficult situation. But all of

us need other people in our lives. I don't think you need another wife, but you do need other people, particularly men who are also going through hard times. So I would ask your pastor, our church leaders, you know, what's available for someone like me. Is there a group that I could attend? And if they don't have a group, check with some of the other churches that locally to see what they might have, because many churches do have support groups that deal with different types of situations.

You need that relationship for that encouragement. So I think what the time left here, Gary, why don't we just go to God and pray for this listener and others who may be in a similar situation? Could you lead us?

And may he do everything he can to spend time with her, and grant our father that she would also bring into his life other people in the family of God who are struggling and who can help him, and even a counselor father who will listen to what he has to say and help him process his thoughts and his emotions. Because in the midst of this, I know

that you've created the church as a family. And so I pray, father, you would bring into his life individuals and the counselors who can help him process his pain and recognize that you want to work through him with his pain, and you want to minister to him through his pain. So, father, we commit him to you and pray that you would bring people into his life who can be your hands and your voice to help encourage him. In the name of Christ we pray. Amen.