Dear Gary | June

lost a baby. The five love languages for grieving parents. Gary, you wrote that with Candy McVicar, and I wonder if you'd take just a minute here to tell us how that book is meeting needs today.

the depth of the pain that you're experiencing. And that same thing can be true between the husband and the wife, uh, because we tend to process grief in a different way. And sometimes a husband will say after a few months to, to a wife where they've lost a baby. Honey, you got to get over this now. Now it's it's happened

and you've got to accept it. And so he's preaching to her, you know, but this, this whole concept of understanding our basic need for love, emotional need for love is extremely important when we're going through experiences like this

of trauma in our lives. So if a husband and wife can read this book as they're passing through this and can bring back to the front burner if they've heard the concept at all, the idea that, listen, we want to love each other through this and we want to speak each other's love language as we walk through this. Because if we both feel loved and supported and cared for by by the other, it's going to make it

easier for both of us. And so this is a journey we're taking together and we're less likely to, you know, preach at the other person or kind of demand things of them rather than just walking with them through the grief. So I think this book, it already has been very, very helpful to many, many people. And of course, my co-author is a mother who's experienced, uh, the death of children. And she and her husband have walked through this and they found it very helpful themselves. That's why I wrote

the book with Candy McVicar. So, yeah, anyone in the audience who knows of someone, or maybe you've gone through this experience, even if it's been some time in the past, I think you're going to find this book to be very, very helpful.

to love after you've lost a baby. The five Love Languages for Grieving parents are featured resource. Just go to building relationships.us. Now let's get to our calls. First up, a divorce and remarriage question along with a spiritual dilemma.

back married. Actually not thinking. We made the decision that we want to get remarried and as well, um, he has a ring that's put up for me. And here's the big dilemma. And it's not really big because there's a Christian woman. I know that we need to be equally yoked. The only thing he has not gone to the cross of salvation. And every time I talk to him about it, he's not ready. And he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite.

And I assure him and reaffirm him, that that's when we let Jesus Lord our life and we get better. And nobody's going to be perfect until, uh, the day we go and meet the Lord. Um, no one's perfect in this world. We're all human beings. So we can strive, uh, to be the best disciple and follower of Christ as we can be. We both been faithful to each other. And I'm just thinking about, do I really want to go back and remarry this man? You know, my the only stigma that, uh, where I see the issue is

that he hasn't made Jesus Christ as savior. But the prayers that I pray in the house and us being together, he has seen the hand of God. He's just not impressed now to surrender his life to the Lord. Uh, he doesn't do anything wrong. He works very hard. He's a good provider, uh, and head of the household. Uh, but as a spiritual leadership, I am spiritually leading, which I believe is out of the order of the nature

of the family. And the man should. He's the head in the in the carnal way, but spiritually he's not. Can you give me more insight on this, please? Thank you.

second time than you did the first time. And here's what I mean by that. Uh, what if you say to him, you know, I really I really am leaning toward are coming back together, but I don't want us to go back through what we've been through. And I'm not sure that I just think we need to keep learning some things. So would you be willing to go with me for pre-marital counseling, or would you be willing to go with me to a class that's being taught

at our church on marriage or a marriage conference or something? Uh, you know, whatever you choose to do, but let there be some things like that where both of you are being exposed to the same principles on a healthy marriage, before you just simply go back into the marriage with, uh, still having a lot of things unresolved in the past. If you take more time before you make that final decision,

you're far more likely to have a success in your marriage. Obviously, your husband's a relationship with God is extremely important, and I think you're right to be concerned about his not willing to do that at this point. But if you can do some things like premarital counseling or going to conferences or reading a book or working through a book or two on marriage, chances are in that process of all of that, the spiritual aspect of life, uh, may

also be, you know, addressed. And he may God and listen. God is the one who has to touch his heart, you know, and he has to be responding to God. So I would just say make the most of preparation this time, rather than simply just focusing on the decision to remarry or not to remarry.

her eyes. He's not doing that. So I think they're they're trying to be honest with each other. Right.

sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have kids with special needs like I do. Um, and can't work any longer because, um, having to deal with all the different things that we have to do. But our spouses are gone. And sometimes I feel like the equalness of the burden is not there. And I know that maybe some of the military members are actually working more, but mine doesn't always. He has a long periods of lulls where he's not actually working when he's gone, so he's able to go out and

just have fun a lot, a lot more. So I wanted to know, like, how do you work on the closeness when you're gone?

What I call the primary love language. Speak it when you are together. And then that book has ideas on how to speak the love languages while you are deployed, so that you stay emotionally connected, even though you may be thousands of miles away. Uh, so that that book I think you will find to be very, very helpful. Uh, military chaplains are often giving these books out to people. You might even check with the chaplain on your base and see if they might even give you a copy

of that book. Otherwise, you can certainly get it on Amazon. But that book has been very, very helpful to many military couples because if we meet that basic need and we each have what I call a full love tank, we emotionally feel loved by each other. It's easier to process, you know, the times away and the times that we

are together. Uh, you also mentioned a special needs child in your case, and I have an edition of the Five Love Languages for parents of special needs children, uh, which you might also find very, very helpful because a special needs children need love as much as any other child. But there's differences in how you express love to that child.

we can do. 1866424. Gary, here's our next question. That came from a concerned wife. What do you do when your husband cannot stay away from inappropriate contact with women, meaning text messages or emails? He uses anything to get a woman to say something to him and make him feel validated and not his wife. We've only been married a couple of years. I'm tired of it. We've been through counseling. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. He makes excuses and gets angry with me when he's called

out on it. I'm in my 60s. I don't want to live like this. What do you say to that wife, Gary?

And this has been one of his sources of, you know, feeling good about himself if he feels like other women are interested in, in, you know, sharing things with him, texts and emails and that sort of thing. Now, whether it goes any further than that, I don't know. You know, that may be the limit. He may not be involved with these women in any way physically, may not even go to maybe not even see these women. I don't know who they are, but I can certainly understand her

frustration with this. She mentioned they had been to counseling already. Uh, didn't seem to help. I think she has to decide how important this is to her, and he has to come to understand how painful this is to her. Now, I don't know. It could well be that that these texts and email messages have nothing to do romantically. I don't know the nature of the relationship with those with those people with whom he's doing that. But just generally

that's not a healthy thing in a relationship. I do think, however, I would say to you, if you don't understand his primary love language and your primary love language, I would really encourage the two of you to work through my book, The Five Love Languages. Discover each other's love language and on a regular basis, speak that language because that will create a different emotional climate between the two of you.

And if he understands the concept and you understand the concept and you start speaking each other's language, you're going to feel emotionally connected. And he may well either totally withdraw from what he's doing in these text messages, or you may come to understand that's not an issue. That's not something that he's going to be involved with somebody else in a romantic way. But meeting that emotional need

is important. If you don't have it, then it really gets bigger and bigger and the problem gets larger and larger. So let me encourage you to read the book. You can also go online at Five Love languages.com. If you want to see a lecture on that. You can also see that there as well.

as a lot of people say we should have. A lot of people say that tough love was what we should have done. They don't tell us that now, of course, but. And I'm just wondering what you have to say about tough love versus, um, just trying to talk and, um, use the Bible and use God's word and pray and continually forgive and try to keep that one that you love close to you without, uh, saying, you know, if you're going to make these decisions, you have to leave anyway.

I hope I've explained myself well, and I do thank you so much for being there. God bless you. Bye bye.

I think parents waver between two approaches. You know, which both of which this caller has mentioned and that is, you know, being loving, affirming, you know, having conversations, but never coming to the place where you say, okay, here's what we have to do and here's what we're going to do. And if you don't do this, then here's going to be the consequences, because we love you too much to sit here and do nothing to to to help you. Because this is not this problem is not

going away. And so those two approaches parents sometimes vacillate between and I'm hearing her say that in retrospect, looking back on it, she wishes they had taken more of a tough love approach. I would just say this to her at this point we can't undo the past. We can evaluate. We can try to learn something from it that might help us help others who may be going

through this. That is, God may bring into your life individuals who have children like this, and you can kind of share with them, you know, your regrets in terms of not taking the tough love approach. God wants to use even our weaknesses and even things that we might consider our failures. And he can use them to and can use you to help other other couples who are going through this. But we can't redo that. But here's the good news. Let's say that you're correct in assuming

that maybe you didn't do the best thing. We confess our failures to God. God forgives us for our failures. And the other wonderful thing about this lady's situation is her son became a Christian and she is going to see him forever. And she mentioned that, you know, in her, in her, in her phone call. So let's look forward to the future. Let's thank God for allowing us to have the child in the first place, and let's thank God that he has forgiven us for our failures in

the past. And let's not allow what we consider our regrets to keep us from investing the rest of our life in serving God and doing positive things with with the abilities that we have. Hmm.

you made. And that's why I think this is a this is a great opportunity to really cast yourself on the mercy and the grace and the love of God again, to use it here I am thinking about what we could have done back there. Lord, you know that I can't you know we can't change this. This I've heard Doctor Chapman just say that. But I'm going to praise you in the middle of this right here, right now, with all of the the hurt and the pain and

the loss that I'm feeling. I choose to to to praise you in the middle of this, you start to turn that around. And some of that condemnation, I think might lessen, don't you?

Gary 866424. Gary, uh, before we take a break here, Gary, would you just could we just pause here and would you pray for the person who's listening today, who has these huge regrets in their rear view, and they just are having a hard time with those today.

future better. And I pray, father, you just deliver them from allowing the enemy to defeat their future, their present, and their future because of past failures and past regrets. May your spirit minister to them today, I pray.

you know. And when I come home, you know, she will just tell me, you know, go on the stove and get your food or or your food is in the microwave, you know, and I'm not used to seeing that kind of, you know, um, um, lifestyle or treatment,

you know. So I wonder if I am the one, you know, with, with the problem, or would you have any advice, you know, to my wife as to how she can better please me when it comes to, you know, serving because of the way I was brought up, the way I saw my mother treated, you know, my father. Thank you.

They didn't have that picture of what a quote faithful wife would be doing for her husband. So that's a common problem and not always described as openly as this gentleman did. But it's a very common problem that we expect our spouse to be like the opposite. Uh, you know, like if it's a wife, she expects her her husband to do what her daddy did. And, and she may

have some of those same feelings about him. I don't know, she may say, well, you know, my daddy would, uh, mow the grass or my daddy would vacuum the floors and my daddy would clean the toilets. My husband doesn't do that. Yeah. So first of all, we've got to realize every human is different. We came up in different families. We come to marriage with a different concept of the the daily role of the husband wife, husband, wife relationship.

This is again why I think it's important for husbands and wives, first of all, to understand the love language concept. And I know I talk a lot about this, but I think it's so important that you learn each other's love language and you speak each other's love language, because when you feel loved by each other, then you can open the discuss things like this, and you can come

to understand what's important for the other person. And because you feel loved by each other, you're far more likely to make adjustments that would make life more meaningful for the other person. Because that's really the heart of love is an attitude. I want to make your life easier for you. I want to make your life, uh, more meaningful. And so if we have that attitude and we're far more likely to have that attitude if we feel loved

by our spouse. So maybe the starting place, if you haven't read the five love languages, is to read that and discuss it together. And in that context where you're trying to meet each other's need for love, you're more likely to find a resolution to what you're talking about, and you're more likely to learn each of you to make some changes that would be meaningful for the other person. But just to demand that of your wife or to criticize her, it's not going to work. It's not going

to make her want to do that for you. But loving her in her love language does tend to influence her. To want to love you in a way that's meaningful to you.

the extra bowls out there. Uh, and even I'm smiling at that, Gary. Because this, you know, he's saying I don't feel valued by her. I don't feel loved by her. And here's what she needs to do in order to do that. And, you know, you're saying you can't you can't make that requirement. But if she hears him say this, this is how you really value me, how you communicate that to me, that gives her a level of understanding of him that she didn't know. Perhaps. Right.

acts of service. If they understand that. And both of them, you know, talk about, work through the book and talk about it, then they're far more likely to begin to speak each other's love language.

Our next caller, her son in law, has a physical condition. Can Gary help her daughter's marriage? Here's our next call.

revealing that before they got married. I would say as a mother, what you might do is encourage the two of them to go for marriage counseling. And if they need financial help to say to them, I will be willing to pay for whatever it cost for you to go for counseling, because I want both of you to learn how to work together in your marriage in this area.

That would be the very best thing. I think that could happen because they both need to be heard by an outside party, and particularly a counselor type person who can help them, uh, you know, understand each other and where they are and explore whether what the possibilities are. And also even even if, for example, he's never able to have sexual intercourse, what are other things that we

do physically to communicate love to each other in a marriage? Uh, so I just think counseling probably has the most hope for them. And as a mother, that is something you can not only encourage, but possibly make it financially feasible

for them to do that. And maybe if you are in a church, you can contact the pastor or pastors and find out who the Christian counselors are in your area and actually give them a name and a phone number where they can call and make an appointment with that counselor.

And she's running on empty and I'm breaking her down and I look unappreciative and etc. etc. and I think I have a lot of clarity on where I went wrong and my actions during certain disputes or arguments, and I see that clarity. Um, we have a young son. He's young, only a year and seven months. We did get married, buy a house, and had a baby all in one year. So everything happened fast. I don't think we got a chance to enjoy, you know, what marriage

can bring. I feel like at some point there comes a time where you sit somebody down and say, hey, if these certain things don't change, you're losing me. Like, I don't think I can stay in this because you are continuing to not step up as a father or a husband, right? I didn't get that opportunity. Don't get me wrong. Where there, uh, hints at it. Hey, could you tidy up? Could you do this? Could you do that?

Definitely hints, but I just didn't catch on. And so therefore this just continued to happen before my eyes and me not really notice. I feel like I just wasn't being present, very consumed by work and just really not being there. But the book that you wrote, I mean, really touched me in the sense of like, it's incredible. Like, and honestly, it touches a lot. On how she feels.

She did say she would read the book. I feel like there's no way somebody can read this book cover to cover and not at some, like some point, cross their mind. Maybe I should seek counseling or maybe I should try again. I expect with the child involved, it's not just about yourself, right? We would exhaust every option before doing something super drastic like that. But in my opinion, I don't think this is going to happen that way. She seems so firm in her decision. I talked to

her family. Of course they're going to support her. So not staying in the house in the Airbnb, obviously you have a child involved. It's like, I don't know if I can get through to her or if I can bring her back, but when I read this book, it touches on how she feels so much that I'm hoping it would resonate with her to where she would open up her heart just a little bit to let me in to prove to her the man I am. Thank you for the time and I hope to hear from you soon.

and she had agreed that she would. So that's a plus if she follows through with it, because she will get exposed to some concepts, the same concepts that have helped him understand himself, and how he missed clues on what he needed to be doing in the marriage because of his involvement with work and all of that, but

just not doing the things that she felt important. So if she does read the book, hopefully they can have a discussion about the things that he discovered in the book and that she may discover in the book and begin to work and talk in terms of how can we make this different? Because I think he's open. It seems to me he's open to making things different. He's open to understanding more fully. You know, how to love her and and what he needs to be doing in

his role. And let me just throw this out. It's not abnormal that in the first year or two of marriage, couples have problems. I mean, I look back on my own marriage. We struggled greatly in the early years of our marriage. It's not abnormal to be going through what they're going through. It is unfortunate in my mind that she has categorically decided she wants a divorce, and that this is the only way out, because he's never going to be what she thinks a husband should be, because

I think he he is capable. We're all capable of making changes, and sometimes it takes a wake up call like he's just received to make him realize, oh man, I didn't. I didn't realize it was this bad, you know? So if they if she would go read the book, whatever book he read, read that book. And then the two of them go for counseling before they make the final decision of divorce. I think they would both profit

greatly by doing that. And very likely they will find reconciliation, uh, because nobody gets married in a year and a half later, you know, they won't won't divorce. Uh, it's just that she obviously is hurting deeply, or she would not have reached that conclusion so early in the relationship. So I really appreciate the caller calling. I'm glad that he's open. I'm glad he's reaching out and reading and trying to

learn and understand himself better. And let's just pray that somehow God will help her open her heart to the possibility that things can be different if the two of them come to understand more fully what needs to be done to make this marriage successful.

to be married to his partner later this year. I have a lot of concerns. He was raised in the church, saved at a young age. Is he truly saved? Can he live a Christian life while living the gay lifestyle? Do I, as a Christian attend the wedding? He knows I love him with all my heart and that I do not condone his lifestyle. I want to be there for him but I can't support this. What help can you give me? What would you say to that concerned mom.

But it's not his pleasure that we are doing wrong. He wants us to repent, and then he forgives us, and we move on down the road with God. And that's what we want, you know, for for her, her son. But obviously, uh, he's he's largely influenced by the culture in which we live now, which condones this sort of thing, which is contrary to the teachings of Scripture. So in terms of going to the wedding or not, obviously that's

a personal decision. I would not lean toward that. I would lean toward saying, honey, I love you very much. I just cannot affirm something that I know is not good for you. And so I can't affirm you by being at the wedding that I that I disagree with. Not it's not just me disagreeing with it. It's that I know this is not God's plan. God ordained marriage between a man and a woman, not between two men. But I love you. And if you insist on doing this,

I'm still going to love you, but I can't. I can't be there to affirm something that I know is is not good for you and not pleasing to God. I hope you understand, honey, how much I love you and how hard this is for me. I think, you know, she takes that approach. Uh, he's getting a clear message that she loves him, but she also. And because she loves him, she wants him to walk with God and

to obey the teachings of Scripture. Uh, it may not change his mind at all, but at least he has affirmation that she loves him and will do anything she can for his benefit, but she cannot affirm something that she does not believe is for his benefit. That's kind of the approach, I think, that, uh, a Christian should take because we are to be loving, uh, but we're we're speaking the truth in love. True love allows a parent to say or compels a parent to say, I

love you too much. To affirm something that I think is not is not good for you. So it is an act of love, even though it's very difficult on the part of the of both of them.

After You've Lost a Baby. The Five Love Languages for grieving parents. Just go to building relationships. Dot us to find out more.