In November of 2007, after only a few weeks on the air, Moody Radio debuted the first Dear Gary broadcast on building relationships with Gary Chapman. Today you get to hear the first questions posed to Gary on this best of presentation of building Relationships.
Hi, this is Gary. Leave a message and I'll get back to you.
My husband and I are having an issue with his mother.
I would like to know if he could maybe take the subject of getting your husband to open up.
I had got into a relationship with an adulterous woman that went on for four years.
What do you do? Get married even though you don't feel you're ready. Break up. What do you do? I'm calling about. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. It's going nowhere. And I don't think either one of us want a divorce, but we can't live the way we were.
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times best seller The Five Love Languages. Hi, I'm Andrea Fabbri, along with Chris Fabbri, and today we're pleased to present our very first Dear Gary broadcast.
When we first came on the air back at the beginning of October, we gave a phone number out for you to call if you have suggestions for the program. Feedback, some encouragement for Gary and we have overloaded that line. Today is the day we're going to dump your phone calls right here. It's going to be a phone call harvest for us today. Questions from that phone line. So if you've left something there, today may be your day.
Gary, you do get a lot of questions at your seminars. I know, and you have to think fast. Do you enjoy that part of the weekend?
You know, I do. I enjoy interacting with with couples and sometimes just with individuals when they will come up and talk to me, their spouses in the back of the auditorium somewhere and they want to have a private moment.
But I really do enjoy talking with people. Uh, I enjoy doing the seminar, but I enjoy personal interaction because, you know, when people come with personal things that, you know, they're hurting and you also know they're open for help, and when people are open for help, they're most likely to find it.
You know, there's an interesting phenomenon that happens on that phone line, the listener line that we set up. And that is many of them have been to a seminar and they'll say, I talked to you afterward. That's kind of an energizing time for you. But at the same time, there's a lot of hurt out there.
Oh, there is, yeah. You know, I use all the break times on my seminars on Saturday, use all the times, all the breaks to talk to people. I don't like to go back in the room and hide. I want to be with the people. Because the more I am in touch with people's need, the more effective I'm going to be as a communicator when I'm speaking.
Well and to keep you, I'm sure, in touch with what the real issues are, because principles are one thing and yet it all plays out differently in individual lives, doesn't it?
Well, it does because everybody's different. You know, every situation is somewhat different. Principles are pretty much the same, but you have to learn how to apply them in different situations.
Mhm. Well what we want to do and what the mission really is of building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, is not just to sit around here and have a good time on the weekend, but to listen to you, to hear what's on your heart and in the process, help a lot of other people. So let's get started. Here's the first person up for dear Gary.
Hi Gary, I'm so glad to hear that you put this kind of a program on the radio every week. I'm so excited. Um, I have my husband and I are having an issue with his mother, and we want very much to have a relationship with her. It's just very frustrating. Every time we reach out, it seems like, um, it's never good enough or never acceptable. And we really could use some help.
Wow. I think she represents a lot of, uh, a lot of people who are struggling with in-law relationships. You know, the caller wasn't specific in terms of what the what the problem is. But many times when people reach out to in-laws and try to build good relationships, they find that the in-law is not responsive. And, you know, you say that we'll come over and chat and they'll say, well, this is not a convenient time for you to come.
And after a while you begin to feel like, wow, maybe they don't want to have a relationship with us. Maybe they don't like me. You know, so I would say this, first of all, the best person to talk to the mother in law is her son, not the daughter in law. If the son will say to his mother, you know, mom, I don't know what's going on here, but I know that, uh, Margie and I or whatever her name is, Margie and I are really frustrated with with what's going on. Can you help me understand what
the dynamics are? You know what you're thinking, what you're feeling. Because we're getting the impression that you don't want us around. And I don't think that's true, but that's what we're beginning to feel. You know, if you just ask an honest question as you perceive it and let that mother respond to that son, he'll probably get the truth. And once you have the truth, then you can have an appropriate response until you know what the mother in law
is really thinking. Anything you do is not going to help. So, you know, we've got to find out what's going on in her mind before you can solve the problem.
Well, let me go to the next step then. Suppose she says, well, of course I want you around. It's just that you're you're this and you're that, and poor me and I. And so it continues on where the son which I can see where that's the healthier way to go. Even then he feels like I can't win. I can't win, mom, I don't know I don't know what to do. Then what?
Well, I think I would be specific. I would ask questions of the mother. What could we do that would be helpful to you because I want to be a good son. My wife wants to be a good daughter in law. What can we do that would be helpful to you? Be specific rather than general. And if she gives some ideas, then to the best of your ability, you try to do those things. You don't let her manipulate you, but you do take the information. And if it's something that's reasonable, then the two of you can
begin to do that. Now we have to also acknowledge that there are some mother in laws and father in laws that you're never going to satisfy, but they have a negative attitude. It's not just toward you, they're negative toward life. And so consequently, what you whatever you do, it's not going to be right. And you can't change a person like that. But what I'm talking about is trying to build a healthy relationship to the best of
your ability, which is what the scriptures teach. You know, as much as it lies in your side, you try to build a peaceful relationship with them and asking specific questions is the route to go. because if you have some idea of what you might do that would be helpful,
then you can share that. But the other side is true. Also, you need to share with your mother what you're finding difficult about this relationship, because if your mother is not willing to make some changes, you know, again, you can't make her change. But often they need to change. And if they will, the relationship can be better. But the mother in law's got to know what you're feeling. So it's a two way street.
And the rule of thumb is that it's the person whose mother it is or father it is. That's the best person to broach this. Don't put that on the the in-law spouse. Right.
Yeah. Almost always Chris, that's the better route to go. Once in a while, parents will have a really bad relationship with their own child, their own son or their own daughter, and they really love the daughter in law or the son in law. So once in a while, the son in law, the daughter in law would be the one to talk. But by and large, it's better to have the son or daughter talking to their own mother and father about the problem.
I think we have time for one more call before we take a break. Last week we presented a military theme, and here's a caller with a question along those lines.
Hi, I just wanted to see if there's any way that maybe he could do a topic on when a spouse loses a spouse, and then the Lord gives them the encouragement to move on to another spouse and the trials that you go through when this happens. And the reason why I ask is my late husband was killed in Iraq. The Lord has blessed me with another husband who I never thought I'd have, and I'm very happy.
But he struggles with the fact of my late husband and us not being divorced and the Lord taking him away. It's just been a very big struggle and I'd like to hear some more on this.
Well, that's a pretty heavy topic. You know, anytime you lose a spouse, whether it's in a military action or otherwise, it's really a tough time of adjustment. I don't know how long time was between her husband being killed and the time she remarried, but often a part of the struggle is that people get married too quickly. You know, we're told by those who research grief that it takes about two years for us to get back on a normal emotional level, ground after the death of a spouse.
And sometimes we end up getting remarried within those two years when we haven't fully worked through our own grief. So we're still struggling emotionally with that, and now we're in a new relationship. It can also cause a problem for the person we married, because they sense that we are still tied in some way to that spouse that's now deceased. And in reality, we are, because we haven't gotten through the grief process yet. We're still thinking about them,
remembering them, going through things we did together. And and consequently we are to some degree tied to that person. Um, but if you're already married, obviously you can't. You can't extend the period before you get married. So I think we have to start where we are. We have to face the problem, lay it on the table. And apparently this may be happening for this particular caller that her husband, her new husband, is saying to her some things about this,
it's disturbing him. That's healthy because he's sharing with her, uh, what's going on inside of him and what he's feeling about her. And she has to be honest with him and not try to deny it and say, no, he's dead. I'm not, you know. No, but but to say to him, you know, to be honest with you, I am struggling. I guess I'm still feeling some of the pain, you know, of the loss of all of that. I want to go on. I mean, I love you, and I want our marriage to be what God designed it to be.
So just, you know, help me, be patient with me and let's talk about it. Let's work our way through this. Because really, the primary way of working through grief is to talk about it. The worst thing she can do is to deny it or to try to hide it and say, well, no, I'm not having thoughts of my husband, my former husband, because she is. And you can't build a relationship on deception. So she needs to be honest
with him. He needs to be honest with her. And together they need to process the grief of the death of her former husband.
And in one sense, there's a positive in here that she had a good relationship with her husband who was killed, and that she's not coming from a a terrible marriage, that she's trying to get over all of this hurt. There was something good there. And so in one sense, that can be comforting to the new spouse coming in to say, I want to be as good, if not better, a husband than your first.
There is a positive there, Chris. There's also a downside to that. And that is she may compare her new husband with her former husband in particular areas of life. And in her mind, she's saying, you know, my former husband would never have done that. he would have been more thoughtful than that. And so that's what she must guard, because no two men are alike. You know, men can be good men, good husbands, but they're not going to be alike. And in some areas, her new husband is
going to be stronger than her former husband. And in other areas, he's going to be weaker. So she has to recognize him as a human and not yield to those comparison, uh, you know, dialogs in her own mind. Otherwise, she will be unfair to her new husband. So having said that, there's an upside and a downside to her having had a good marriage in the first marriage. But I think it's far better that her marriage was good, because she has a model of what a good marriage
is all about. When we come out of a poor marriage, we don't have the model. So it's much easier to if we've got a good model in front of us.
First of all, thank you that the Savories are back in the biz. I know that Chris is on MBI, and it's nice to have Andrea back because I remember both of them from the old midday connections. As a broadcaster on a secular radio station, it's exciting to have those two people back on the airwaves. And Doctor Chapman, you were in Youngstown several years ago. I came to see you and what an outstanding night it was. Just a words of encouragement. Keep up the good work. Bless
you guys. Good to have you back. God bless. Bye bye.
Hey.
That's the kind of call we like to hear. Welcome back. Andrea.
Yeah, I'd like to thank my brother for calling in. Jim, this is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages.
You're hearing calls that came into our listener line at 1866424. Gary, if you'd like to suggest a topic for a consideration, give some feedback about Gary's ministry in your life, or you just want to try and make us laugh like that did call that number 1866424 Gary.
Well, we're presenting our first Dear Gary program today. Responses to your calls over the past few weeks. And let's get back to the phone and hear our next caller.
Yes, I would like to know if he could maybe take the subject of getting your husband to open up. My husband is very close. He doesn't share any of his feelings with me and he doesn't. We've been married 29 years and it's just like, I mean, I share everything, I'm bubbly and everything, and he's just very withdrawn. And I'm just wondering if maybe you could explain how you could get him to share.
How many times have I heard that one? The wife is talkative, the husband's quiet. You know, I wish I knew what was going on inside of him.
Well, here's the other thing, Gary. They've been married 29 years.
29 years. Yeah, I think they could give us some advice.
Well, it shows it doesn't just go away now, does it?
No it doesn't. You know, in my seminars, I talk about two kinds of people when it comes to talking. One is the Dead Sea. That's the person who can receive lots of things in life, but they don't have any compulsion to share. They have this large reservoir where they store all of that. And the other type is what I call the babbling brook. Whatever comes in the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate. And apparently she's a babbling brook and he's a dead sea.
And maybe she's an extreme babbling brook, and he's an extreme Dead Sea. That's possible. In fact, that sounds like the case because she said of herself, I'm bubbly and always talking. So what I would say is this. He will never talk more until she talks less. A dead sea will never come into a river of flowing words. If you want a Dead sea to talk more, you have to leave little pools of silence. And the best place to leave your little pools of silence is right
after your questions. You see the problem with babbling brooks sometimes, especially what I call super babbling brooks. They will ask you a question, and if you don't give him an immediate answer, they'll answer their own question. They'll even tell you what you think you know. They'll ask you, what do you think about this? And if you don't answer, they'll say, well, I know what you think you know. And so the Dead Sea is saying inside, you know, no need for me to talk. I mean, she can
ask the questions and give the answers. I don't need to say anything. And this is hard, because if a person is a super babbling brook, they've been doing that all their lifetime. It's natural for them.
Well, and it comes out with other in social relationships too. You can practice there being quieter because you can see it in couples. Well, I can see myself in this. You just fill the silences all the time, even in social settings.
Yes. That's correct. You know, it'd be interesting to know if her husband talks more freely around other people when she's not there. I reason I bring that up. My wife and I were visiting a widow some time ago, and in the course of our conversation, her husband had been dead about a month, and we just went by to see her and she said, you know, my husband was a very quiet man. He just didn't talk much. But he was a very good man. And she went
on to tell about his good qualities. Well, when my wife and I got back in the car, I said to her, do you think she's talking about the man we knew? Because the man we knew talked freely, you know, in social settings. When he would be by himself, he would just talk. He would joke. He was. I mean, he was a, you know, very outgoing guy. And then we both smiled because we knew what the problem was. At home, he never got a chance to talk. She filled up all the spaces. I mean, she was the
night we visited her, we said very little. She just talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. So consequently, he had learned that he didn't need to talk at home. So he talked when he was around other people.
So what would you say to the, let's say, the husband listening? Who knows? Who knows? That's my wife. She talks. She fills all those silences. Is there something he could do, though, to help?
Or if she complains to him, if she says such things as I wish you'd talk more. I don't ever know what you're thinking. Then he can take that, that she has the desire for him to share more of himself. So he could then say to her, you know, honey, obviously I'm not the talker that you are, but I would be willing to talk more if you would give me a chance. So the next time you ask me a question, just give me a little silence. Give me. Give me a moment to think about what I want
to say, and I'll answer your question. But when you ask the question and then you give the answer, I'm not motivated to think about what I want to say. So I'm willing to work with you. I'm willing to to to share more than I've been sharing. I know I hear what you're saying, and I'd like to share more with you, but we're going to have to change the pattern because I can't just give you an immediate answer. I have to think about what I'm going to say. So give me a little time and I'll try to
do that. He's being very open and very honest.
And if those opposites which normally attract, you're probably going to have one person that is a little more verbal than the other. But I even see it in the relationship I have with Andrea. I can talk all day long about the Super Bowl and about, you know, how the Rockies did in the World Series and all that, all this other stuff that really freely. But when you get down to the depths of my feeling, it takes a lot of effort to kind of drag that out.
And so maybe what she's asking for is not necessarily for him to talk more. It's to talk more substantively about what's deep down inside.
And most likely that's the case. He probably talks about the logistics of life with her, but he doesn't share what his thoughts and feelings are about issues that she is interested in. So I think you're exactly right. So, you know, you do have these dynamics of of our personality, the Dead Sea and the babbling brook. But there are other reasons why a husband may not be talking. Or sometimes it's a wife who doesn't talk. Sometimes they have tried to share their thoughts in the past, and when
they did, they were condemned. Their spouse came across as saying, well, that's stupid. I mean, why would you think that? That doesn't make any sense at all. Well, you say that a few times, and the next time the spouse is not going to say anything because none of us like to be put down. You like to be clobbered. So you need to also look back and ask yourself, how have I responded when my spouse did share an idea? Did share one of their thoughts or feelings? How did
I respond? You may be shutting down the communication that you deeply are longing for.
Well, there were some really great questions on our listener line. If you don't hear your call, it's not because it's wasn't important. We listen to each one and have struggled to present some representative listeners. So up next, a positive story about the results of Gary's ministry.
I'm a Christian counselor, have utilized Utilize the Five Love Languages book for a number of years. One of the most memorable experiences I had implementing it was when just one man came in without his spouse reporting that basically she was fed up, had given up. She was just, I think, solidifying the plans for getting out. She refused
to come in to counseling with him. As we talked and I introduced the five love languages, I gave him an assignment to go home and ask his wife, what is one thing I can do that would show you I love you? Apparently, she responded in what I took to be probably a rather sarcastic tone and was telling him, do the dishes every night. Well, I told him to do his assignment, come back in a couple of weeks. When he did, he was just amazed. He said, I
don't know what happened. She's not the same woman. He said. She's smiling at me. We're having a sexual relationship again. She's no longer talking about leaving. He said it's like night and day. And he said all I did was do the dishes. He couldn't believe that doing one simple thing made such a huge difference. I have actually shared that example with other couples too, because sometimes I think they underestimate the power of using or expressing love to their mate in their preferred language.
I am so encouraged when I hear counselors share stories like that, and I hear it a lot. I'm encouraged. First of all, that counselors are using the concept in trying to help people. And over and over again, counselors say to me, you know, it's amazing how quickly a marriage can turn around when one individual starts loving the other person in the right love language. You know, for something so simple, uh, Chris and Andrea, it's amazing the
emotional difference it makes in a couple. This wife's language is obviously was acts of service. And one of the things that she really appreciated was him washing the dishes. So when he asked the question and then responded to her answer, it communicated deeply to her that he really does love me. And she responded positively to him.
Whether it makes sense or not, to him. And that's what he got past, obviously.
Yeah. That's right. You know, I had a man say to me some time ago, he said, you know, Gary, if someone had told me that my taking out garbage every day would make my wife feel loved, I would have taken out the garbage, he said. But, you know, nobody told me that. So what he was saying was, you know, if I had known this concept earlier, I would have been using it. And I think that's true of many couples. In fact, I've had people say to me, you know, why didn't I think of this earlier? It's
so simple. And the reality is, it is simple. Uh, not always easy to do because sometimes, you know, we're not highly motivated to take out the garbage. But if we realize that it makes our spouse feel loved, then we have the motivation, the Motivation. The results when what we want is for them to feel loved.
And we're not saying that if you have a troubled marriage, all you have to do is one little thing to fix it. But this will help you show that love that you want so desperately to show to that other person.
Yeah, you get on the right track when you discover their love language and it's not doing one thing. It may be a number of things. For example, acts of service. I mean, there are many acts of service, you know, washing dishes and and taking out garbage. Yes, but vacuuming floors, you know, uh, changing the baby's diaper, walking the dog, mowing the grass, I mean, all kinds of things. And any one of those things will likely speak loudly to your spouse. But I say, you know better to ask
your spouse what would be most meaningful to you. Because even if it's an act of service, you may be doing one thing and they would prefer you'd be doing something else, so you may as well spend your energy doing something that's going to be meaningful to your spouse.
You're listening to a best of building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman from almost 18 years ago. This was our very first Dear Gary broadcast from November of 2007. Yes, our voices might sound a little younger, but Gary's wisdom is the constant here, and so is our featured resource, the Five Love Languages. You can find out more at five Love Languages. Again, go to five Love languages.com.
Let's deal with singles issues in this segment, Gary. And here's our first caller.
I'm 20 years old, a college student, and I actually I've just been wondering. My family ties at home are not as strong, and I'm just kind of in fear of having, um, strong my own strong family and, like,
ties with my husband in the future. And just, I mean, I don't even have a boyfriend yet, but I just, I feel like since I don't have strong family ties at home, or how my relationships at home aren't what I want them to be, I just feel like I would likely have trouble making my own way and new relationships in the future.
I am so encouraged that a 20 year old would be asking that question.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, because it says, you know, they're thinking they're looking back at their family. They're realizing there were some flaws in the quality of the relationship and the family. They're looking ahead and they're thinking about, you know, I don't want to have what I came out of. How can this be different? And the good news is that when a person is that open and that insightful, there's hope
and there's help. The reality is skills in marriage and family life, the things that make marriage and family work can be learned. That's why we have so many books on marriage and family. That's why we have marriage seminars, parenting seminars, all these things. Because we know that if people can get the right information and develop the right skills, then they can overcome a lot of baggage from the past when they try to build their marriage and their family.
So I would just say to this young lady, you know, read some good books, take a course. If you're in college, take a course on marriage and family. If there's one offered from time to time, you know, go to workshops and classes that may be offered at your church. Even though you're not married, you can still learn what what
makes marriage work. The more you can learn, even before you get a boyfriend, the better off you're going to be, and the more likely you are to not duplicate what you came out of.
And there's no easy road for anybody, even the best of family circumstances. You're still going to have a road ahead.
Yes. You know, you can grow up in a good family and get married and wonder. Wait a minute. I didn't think this was the way it's supposed to work. I remember my own son said to me, he didn't get married until he's 34. And he said to me, after the first year of marriage, hey, dad, you didn't tell me it was going to be this hard the first year. You know, he had he had seen our marriage and and, you know, he was a good family
and he grew up and he was happy. And he thought he was going to get married and have a marriage just like ours. But of course, he knew, because we had told him that the first several years for us were rough as well. Uh, but you can, you know, you're going to find some difficulty in a marriage relationship,
even if you came out of a good family. But if you have the concepts of of acceptance of the other person and learning how to negotiate the differences and learning how to resolve conflicts by listening to each other and and affirming each other, those kind of skills will go a long ways in helping you have a good marriage, whatever the background.
Well, let's go from a 20 year old to a little bit different age range.
Oh, hi. I just have a subject to discuss. It's, um, older singles, um, that are a couple or in a relationship for several months, but because of prior relationships, prior marriages, they're hesitant about marriage but still have a chemistry going on and know that physical relationship is wrong. So what do you do? Get married even though you don't feel you're ready? Break up. What do you do?
Good question. And there's thousands of older singles who are in that situation. You know, we have attraction, natural attraction, men for women. And even if we're Christians and we had a bad marriage, or maybe a spouse is dead and we're single again, and so we start dating. But because of all the background and all the baggage, we're not ready to jump into another marriage. And yet we have these desires physically for each other. So what are
we going to do about that? And what I would say is, certainly you don't get married just because you're struggling with your your physical desires. That's not a foundation for getting married. Secondly, I don't think you break up. There's nothing really to be gained by that, because what happens is you'll find yourself getting involved in another relationship. I think what you have to do is to be
open and honest about the nature of your relationship. You see, if one of you is anticipating marriage to this person and the other has already decided, you know, I'm not going to get married, at least not for the time being. And you don't know that? Then you can find a lot of hurt and a lot of frustration. But if both of you sit down and say, let's just share with each other where we are, what are you thinking?
What are you feeling? And be open about how you feel about the other person, but also what guidelines you have where you think this relationship might go. What timeline are you thinking about? Or maybe you're not even thinking about marriage at all. Anytime. So opening up and sharing with each other your honest thoughts and your honest feelings, and together deciding whether the relationship should continue or whether relationship should simply stop. But the two of you, if
you're honest, can come. And if you're looking to God for direction, you can come to a good conclusion.
Just one more observation. It seems to me that that from that call. And I'm so glad she left that message that there is this hormonal, this sexual drive that is kind of clouding the issue, much like happens with teenagers who believe I'm in love. I'm in love, and they really have that physical attraction, but not a whole lot else going on for that relationship. Aren't those two kind of similar, even though they're such disparate ages?
I think they are similar because, Chris, you know, when you're in a dating relationship and especially if you have those those feelings of love, which I call the tingles, you know, we get into this real high, euphoric, warm feelings for each other and then the sexual, you know, feelings enter into that. It can be a very volatile situation and we know it is for teenagers. I mean, we have lots of teenagers who never intended to get pregnant,
but they get involved sexually. And before they know what happens there, the girl is pregnant. So the same thing happens whether you're 45 or whether you're 20 or whether you're 55. I've seen single adults, you know, 45, 55, who are just as giddy as a 13 year, 14, 16 year old. And the dangers are just as great at that point as they are when we're earlier. So, you know, we have to have guidelines that to me, this is the key issue, have guidelines on our sexual behavior.
It's fine to admit that we're sexual not trying to deny our sexual desires, but we we have to follow biblical patterns, and we have to have guidelines that help us be true to our convictions.
There's one more issue we want to tackle, and here's a caller with that subject.
Hello, my name is Linda. I'm 44 years old, divorced, two little kids. I'm dating a man that I met through a website and things are going well, although it is a long distance relationship. But one thing happens when we're together that concerns me. This man has been divorced
for only one year. What concerns me about that is whenever we're having a discussion about something, um, that involves our relationship and how we're communicating, he brings up the fact that her filter that she used to hear him included her perception that he was controlling and manipulative. Um, I don't see it that way. He's a very strong personality. He has his own ideas about things, and there's no gray areas with him. It's all black and white, and
I understand that. Um, but every time he brings her up, which happens probably every time we're together, it's with such strong emotion, such anger and hurt. I'm just wondering if maybe this is too soon for him. Or am I assuming it's too soon? I'm not sure how to interpret what I'm getting from him as far as his communication with me about his ex-wife.
I think it is too soon. You know, I said earlier in the program that research indicates that it takes two years after a divorce for a person to get back on level ground emotionally. And the most common mistake people make is they get involved with someone else too early. They're still going through processing the pain and the hurt of that divorce that they went through, or sometimes the death of a spouse. And they get involved with someone else.
It meets needs for them. Yes, it helps alleviate the loneliness and the hurt, but it's too soon for them to be getting involved in a in a in a serious dating relationship. So to me, that would be a red flag waving. The other thing I would say in this particular case is if you're going to continue to see each other, I suggest that you have a personality profile. You're the fellow you're dating as well as yourself, and
let's see what the patterns are in his personality. If his first wife saw him as controlling, and I hear you saying that he's very certain of himself, it's black and white. His first wife may have been right. He may be a controller. And you need to face that clearly. So I'd say go to a Christian counselor and just say, you know, we'd like to have a personality profile to help us understand what the points of conflict might be in our relationship. Uh, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't go
very far without doing that. I mean, to me, that's just simply common sense. And you're being very honest and open with each other about your personality patterns, but I do think it's too early. And, uh, you know, lots of people do meet on the internet these days. But to be honest with you, and I mean, if it's if there's a filtering, if it's one of the programs where they have filtering patterns and, and help you find someone that is more similar to you and beliefs and
those kind of things, that's one thing that can be helpful. Uh, but if it's just simply someone you met on the internet, a lot of red flags there, you ought to do a lot of excavation to make sure that what you think is true about this person really is true about the person.
This is building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman and our special Dear Gary Edition. I think this is something we ought to do regularly.
I do too, as long as listeners have questions and concerns and feedback they'd like to give, we will schedule these types of broadcasts. Our phone number is 1866424. Gary, we would love to have your question and include you on a future broadcast. one 866 424.
Gary, let's get back to the calls. Gary, this is one of those that is so personal. And yet I think it will strike a chord with you and with a lot of people.
I had got into a relationship with an adulterous woman that went on for four years. I've been a Christian since 1985, and the shame and guilt just got to me. And I still love her, still miss her, but I know that I had to get away from it. And I thought to myself, I really came to this revelation that if I really do love this woman, that I would let her go and not be selfish anymore and
try to hold on to her. But I would let her go because she has children and a husband and a home, and I feel really good about that decision that I made.
Wow. I wish we had more of those kind of calls of guys who realize in the middle of the stream that they're doing wrong and they're going to hurt themselves. They're going to hurt someone else, they're going to hurt some children. and in spite of their feelings of love, which is what I heard him say, I'm still loving her. I still miss her in spite of those feelings. They choose to do what is right. It's very difficult because you see in the theme in our society is God
wants me to be happy. And so I'm not happy in my marriage, but I'm happy with this woman. And so even Christians make very poor decisions and break up their own marriage and break up someone else's marriage in order to be happy. The reality is, those feelings only last for a time and they come down off the high. Now, you know, he said they had been carrying on this affair for four years. When it's a secretive affair, the
emotions tend to last longer. The average national level is that after two years of the the strong emotional feelings, you come down off the high. But if it's a secretive affair, those feelings can go on for a longer period of time. And in the middle of those feelings, when he's still feeling those positive vibes for her. He recognizes that what he's doing is wrong and he makes the choice to break it off. I wish other men and women could hear that and understand the reality of that.
It's not easy to break off an affair, but it's right to break off an affair. And to be very honest with you. Chris and Andrea, I've never met anyone who regretted doing right, but they are in my office and other counselors offices every week. Who did wrong? Five years ago, left their spouse, ran off with the person they were having an affair with, and now they've come down off the high, and now they're trying to get counseling in that second or third marriage. Don't misunderstand me.
I'm glad they're trying to get help, but it would have been a whole lot easier if they'd gotten help back upstream. I just wish that more Christians could understand that happiness is not God's goal for us. God's goal for us is that we follow his teachings and that in following his teachings, we will always be the better and our families will always be better when we follow God's teachings and when we violate those teachings, I don't care how we feel or how happy we may be
for a while. We're going to cause problems for ourselves and all the people around us.
Well, our final call is one of those that probably represents a lot of hurting people.
My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. I've read your book, The Five Love Languages and so has he, but it seems like we still can't get it together and we're still fighting. So I wondered if you had any ideas. Um, I don't know. We don't take responsibility, maybe for what we've done or what's happened in our relationship. Do you have any ideas? It just seems like it's going nowhere. And I don't think either one of us want a divorce, but we can't live the way we were.
If you don't get help from reading a book, then go for counseling. That's what counselors are all about. That's what pastors are all about. That is those pastors who do counseling. Uh, we're here to help people. And you don't have any problems that other people haven't had similar problems. And so you may as well reach out and ask someone, you know, look, here's where we are. We're Christians. We don't want a divorce, but we're we're miserable. So help
us and you can find help. There's no reason that you need to go to divorce, and no reason you need to continue living with a level of stress that you're talking about. There are answers, and Christian counselors and pastors can help you discover those answers. So I would just really encourage people who are in those kind of marriages to reach out for help. I'm amazed at how many people come to the point of divorce. I'm talking about Christians come to the point of divorce, and they've
never reached out for counseling. They say, well, I went to a marriage seminar once, or I went to a weekend retreat, or I read a book and, you know, but this is serious stuff. You need the best help you can get. And the wonderful news is that all over America, there are Christian counselors in every major city in the country, and you can find help. So I would just encourage you to reach out. Don't give up on the marriage, and don't lock yourself into a life
of misery. Reach out and find help. There's help available.
Give a word of hope, and maybe you can use a specific couple that you've seen. Or just generally speaking, I mean, you've seen many couples who didn't think they could make it.
Who have many of the couples that come into my office come at the point of giving up? In fact, most of them are desperate. That's why they come. And what I say to them at the very beginning, I understand you don't have any hope, but I have hope for you. So believe in my hope, and let's try some things. And one by one, we begin to tackle the issues that have driven them apart. The issues they've never resolved. And as they begin to listen to each other,
which is a big factor. Most couples don't know how to listen to each other. They listen long enough to give their opinion and they end up arguing. And you don't win anything by arguing. And so teaching them how to listen to each other empathetically, to understand what's going on inside the other person and then have a proper
response to it. And when couples begin to get the thrill of being heard and being understood and solving conflicts, they don't have to take but 3 or 4 steps in the right direction, and they begin to feel better about themselves. That's why, you know, because of my own experience, I'm so positive on encouraging couples to reach out for help.
And it can get messy. It can get ugly. There can be cross words said. And it you know, a lot of people really shy away from that. I think, you know, marriage ought to be always being happy and never raising your voice. But that's not reality. And if you get past that and get past all of the ugly stuff that it can can bring up, there's hope on the other side of that.
There is. And, you know, one of the reasons Chris and Andrew and you know this about me, but one of the reasons I have so much hope for people is because of my own experience. And Carolyn and I went through so many years in those early times in our marriage in which we just struggled and we didn't seem like we were getting anywhere. And we argued and we put each other down and we withdrew from each other. So I know, I know those struggles, I know that pain.
And that's why I identify with people so well who are in that situation. But I also know that there are answers. And God gave us those answers and brought us through that, and he can bring other couples through that. I'm grateful that people are being honest about their struggle because that's the first step. And then once you're honest, then you reach out and try to find help.
Well, we want to thank all of you who contributed to our program today, and that's why we're here to help. And if you would like to be a part of our program future program, call one 866 424. Gary. That is our listener line. If you'd like to go to our website and email us. The website is five Love Languages. That's five love languages.com.
What do you think, Gary? Do you like being dear Gary for a week?
I'm ready to start my column. Chris. Yes.
All right. We'll see you back here next week.
And there you have it. From November of 2007, our first Dear Gary broadcast. Hope you enjoyed that. Today and next week it's a summer best of conversation with Doctor Patrick Morley. Don't miss his hope filled message for men. Big thank you to our producer, Janice backing and our engineer and musical aficionado Steve Wick. Building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.