Dear Gary | February

many adopted parents here in this country. And some of them have been shocked at the response, you know, they've gotten and how the difficulties really sometimes in raising adopted children. So I am very excited about this book. I think it's going to help any parent who has adopted children.

an adopted child, you don't have that bond. And then the other factor, of course, is that, you know, loving a child in those five love languages, and particularly as they get a little older, if you adopted an older child, uh, knowing what their love language is, their primary love language is going to help you begin to build that emotional bond with them. And so I think just understanding that this child, you know, has gone through it, they have

a history. If they're four years old, they have a history. If they're nine years old, they have a history. And we don't know all the time what they have been through. And so learning their primary love language and speaking, it is a part of the process. But even then you

have to take incremental steps. You can't just, you know, if physical touch is their language, you can't just necessarily give them a hug and they're going to accept it in the in the early stages, you have to start with, you know, fist bumps and pat on the back and work up to the hugs as they get to know you. Because just as you don't know them, they don't know you. You're new in their lives.

knew God loved him. She now lives in a Western state. My husband and I are in the Midwest. She's dated boys but always pick the ones that needed help. She never picked anyone to challenge her or come alongside her. She is now gay and living with a girl younger than her. She swears she's not gay and she won't admit it. I'm hurting. It's been a long seven years of this and her dad and I can't get over it, and it has emotionally affected us. I can't be happy

and it feels like I'm just getting through life. I'm very depressed. I feel hate toward the girl she's with. This girl has been married to a man before and then found my daughter. How do I get through and handle my daughter and the girl? I'm hurt, angry. She has rocked our world upside down and I'm ashamed. Please help.

gives us freedom. We are not robots. God did not program us, that we can only do what's right and only follow him. He gave us freedom as humans and with that freedom. Throughout history. Humans have made poor decisions and parents have suffered pain from their children who make poor decisions. So I think we have to recognize that we cannot erase the reality that our children have choice. God gave it to them. Yes, we are hurt when they're making decisions that we know are not going to

be healthy for them. But I think, again, we have to do the same thing God did. We have to give them freedom to make their choices and to live with the consequences. Because for every choice, there are consequences. And so we have to give them the same freedom that God gives them. You know, it's always been interesting to me when the prodigal son in the New Testament left, his father asked for his inheritance early and then left

and wasted his inheritance. That father did not go after him and try to talk him into, you know, changing his mind or being a wise steward of the money he'd received. He stayed home and kept the farm going so that when that adult son came to the end of the road that he had chosen and he ended up in the hog pen feeding pigs, he had a place to come home to. I think that's a lesson for parents, you know, when our adult child is made decisions and living a lifestyle that is painful to us,

we need to keep the farm going. We need to keep working on our marriage relationship, not allow this to pull us apart. Yes, we're both hurting, but in our pain we have to recognize. Listen, this is not the end of the world for us. We have a life to live. Let's focus on growing together through this pain. So that if and when our daughter comes to the end of the road and comes back in repentance to God, we she will have a place to come home to. Let's communicate to her. We love her. We love her

no matter what she does. Because God loves us no matter what we do. He always loves us, and he always stands ready to forgive us and receive us. So don't break the ties with that daughter. Let her know she's loved by you. Let her know. Yes. You don't agree with with her decisions. You don't agree. And it's it's very painful for you as a parent. But you love her no matter what. If she lives with that reality, then there's always a place to come back to when

she gets to the end of the rope. So those are my thoughts, Chris. It's a hard journey. I'm not minimizing the pain in any way. It is a hard journey, but I think we have to treat those children the way God treats us as his children.

to choose to live today. And I have a friend who's going through much the same, you know, something similar to this and have seen pictures of we chose to go to, you know, go out to I'd go out to dinner as a couple, uh, a husband and wife and to still celebrate birthdays rather than, uh, saying, this is way to sit down so much that we can't live anymore. It's not that you like. You say you're not pushing that away. The the hurt and the lament for a season, but you're allowing yourself to go ahead

and live. And that's a choice, isn't it?

our adult children to destroy our lives. You know, the emotional pain is there to be sure. And yet, if you need to get counseling to help you walk through the pain of that, but let's not allow their decisions to control us. We have a choice on how we're going to respond to our pain and to our hurt.

five love languages approach. Go to building relationships us to find out more. Again, building relationships with us.

they say Amen. But if you could let us know.

this thing. But my my thought was you're praying at the same time after you close your eyes, you're both praying at the same time, but one of you will finish your prayer before the other. So you say Amen, so they know you're through. Then they can say amen when they're through. Okay, I hope that helps.

What if you hold his hand, close your eyes as a way of respecting Him and His belief in God, and let him pray. And she said, oh, well, I guess I could do that, you know? I'm just trying to help couples begin the practice of coming to God together, even if it's in silence. And I say, you know, you cannot come to God together every day, and it not begin to affect the way you treat each other. Yeah. And I said, you know, probably six months down the road, one of you might slip up and pray out loud

one night, you know. And then the other thing I do, you know, I have a devotional. The one year love language minute devotional for for couples where there's a scripture verse, there's a devotional that I've written, and then there's a prayer that I've written. And I said, at some juncture you might want to begin using this devotional. And on one night the wife can read the whole thing, including the prayer. So she's praying out loud, even though she's

reading a prayer that I wrote. But she's saying it out loud. The next night he would read the devotional and he would read the prayer. So now they're actually hearing themselves each other pray out loud. And I said, uh, I think you'll find that to help you develop where you get to where you can just pray out loud without prayers that I've written, you know. Oh, just trying to help people spend time coming to God together.

God loves even people that aren't Christians. Listen, we were all unchristian non-Christians. He loved us when we were sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So, uh, I'm just trying to help people in their marriage, wherever they are, in their journey with God.

the relationship now. He well, listen to what he says next.

just feel like. Our relationships are over with. And I read the book cover to cover, and I read about the marriages of 17 years of misery. I'm only six years in, and I would love to be able to figure out how I can grow old with my with my wife and my family and and climb Mount Everest every single day and love. So I want to thank you for the book. And if I don't find the love with my wife, I hope that I can find love with whomever it may be my kids, my family, whoever it may be.

There's no question about that, because he cannot make his wife, you know, give him forgiveness and work on their marriage. He can't make her do that. Now, if they're still living together in the same house, he can speak her love language now, acts of service. But as he said, she's likely saying to herself and to him, it's too late. I mean, I appreciate the fact you're doing these things now, but it's too late. There is one other book that I would really encourage this gentleman to read, and his

wife if she would. It's called One More Try what to do when your marriage is falling Apart, and it's written to people who are separated for the most part, uh, some of them are contemplating separation and divorce. Uh, but I think you'll find that book to be very helpful, because if both of you could read it, which would be ideal. But again, you can't make her read it. You know, you you can you can say, you know,

would you be willing to read this book together? But you read it yourself, and I think you'll find some things that maybe you can do from your perspective. I would say you probably have already done this, but there needs to be genuine repentance. Acknowledging your failure, you know, openly and honestly, not trying to hide it. And I'm assuming you have already broken off that other relationship. I hope that's true. If not, it certainly should be true.

And then acknowledged to her that you've read this book, The Five Love Languages, and you realize that you you fail to speak her language all these years, and you wish you had read that earlier, but you want her to know that you will speak her language if she's willing to give you another, another opportunity. But I think read, read that one more try book first, and also say to her, you know, I am willing to go for

counseling with you if you are willing to go. And at least let's see if there's a possibility that we can rebuild our relationship. Again, you can't make her go to counseling, but you can offer and and tell her you would love to go for counseling with her. If she's unwilling, you can also say to her, well, I'm going to go for counseling myself because I need help. I need help. And maybe if she sees you actually going for counseling, she will say, oh my goodness, he

is really sincere. He is really open to change. And then she may be open to go go to counseling with you. So I would say, don't give up on your side. Don't give up too quickly. I understand how she can be at the place where she thinks it's over. You know she's going to have nothing else to do with you after what you've done. And you have to give her that freedom. Don't preach to her. Don't tell her you know. Well, the Bible says you've got to

forgive me, you know? No, no, don't preach to her. Uh, because she's going through a lot of pain. When a spouse is unfaithful in a marriage, it's deeply painful to the other person. So acknowledge that and allow her the freedom to to have those feelings and to work through those feelings. But just let her know that you have totally repented of that. You've totally turned away from that. And that's not what you want in life. You very much want to to work on the marriage, whatever. It

has to be done, whatever has to be done. So, uh, keep praying that God will work in her heart, maybe bring someone, a friend in her life that would encourage her to get counseling. So don't give up too soon, I guess, is what I'm saying. Okay, God can work miracles.

to respond. And in the timing is always important to, isn't it?

done to you. Uh, and when she sees that you are sincere and that you are willing to turn around and speak our language and, you know, open to doing whatever needs to be done so that you can have the kind of marriage you dreamed of having. And he mentions that he had children, you know, and the divorce. Yeah. Can get her out of the situation. But, boy, it creates another whole stream of problems with those children. Uh,

as well as, you know. Well, anybody that's gone through a divorce will tell you, man, this was not easy. This was difficult.

he's given up hope. He thinks she's never going to make him a priority. Let me share one one concept. The Bible says we love God because God first loved us, and God loved us while we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us. The most positive influence this young man can have on his wife is to love her unconditionally in her love language. And if he hasn't read the love language five Love Languages, I would suggest that'd be the first thing for him to do.

Read the five love languages. Understand the concept that your wife has a primary love language. You're married to her even though you feel hurt and left out. God can give you the ability to love her. Romans chapter five and verse five says, the love of God is poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit. So if you're willing to say to God, Lord, you know the person

I'm married to, you know how they treat me. You know that I don't feel loved, but I'm opening my heart and asking you to pour your love into me and let me be your agent for loving her. You don't have to have positive feelings toward her to love her in her love language. Your God's representative and your love may well stimulate her love. You see, we respond to God. He loved us first. The same principle is true in human relationships. You initiate loving her unconditionally in

her love language no matter how she treats you. You're not very likely to see in time. Give it six months in which you're speaking her love language every week for six months, no matter how she treats you. I think you'll see something begin to happen inside of her when she sees you loving her in a way that's meaningful to her. She may well begin to respond to you in a different way. Don't give up. You cannot make your spouse change. That's true. But you can influence her.

And the most positive influence is for you to love her unconditionally in her love language over a period of time. And just see what happens.

experience is temporary. It's not the foundation for marriage. So whatever motivated you to get married? What you need now is to understand how to build a marriage with the person you're married to, and the love language book can help you do that. Because, you see, this kind of love starts with an attitude. And the attitude is this I'm married to you and I choose. To have an attitude of love, which means I want to do whatever

I can to enrich your life. I want to help you become the person you believe God wants you to be. And with the help of God, you can speak the other person's love language, which is going to touch them emotionally. And if they in turn speak your love language, it's going to touch you emotionally. So yes, emotions come back. We are emotional creatures, and one of our deepest emotional needs as humans is the need to feel loved by

the significant people in your life. And if you're married, the person you would most like to love you is your spouse. But the way we create those emotions is not waiting for them to happen. Say people just say, well, I just don't have love feelings anymore. You don't wait for those feelings to come back. No. You choose an attitude of love, and then you learn how to express love in a meaningful way to your spouse. That's the

whole story of the five love language book. You learn their love language and you choose to speak their love language. Even if you don't feel loved yourself and you're meeting one of their deep emotional needs, and then they begin to reciprocate, they begin to meet your need. So yeah, we all want to feel love. We all need to feel love. But the foundation of falling in love is not the foundation for building it, because it's temporary. It's going to. Everybody comes down off the high. So whatever

led you to get married? You can have a good marriage if you ask God to give you an attitude of love, which is the attitude that Christ said, you know, and we're called to have the attitude of Christ toward our spouse, that that can save a marriage.

that might be a good first step to you. So go to building relationships with us. But wait, there's more Gary, because our next caller wants to reconcile, but he's in a legal bind. Here's our next caller.

communicate to her. So my question is, I've always tried to do a Christian perspective with my situation, and I still want there to be reconciliation, but I'm still trying to be assertive in protecting, you know, my, uh, life safety and welfare because she did, um, demonstrate deprivation, uh, exclusivity. I do think she, you know, just tried to hurt me internally and everything. So, um. Yeah, it's a bizarre situation. Um, but I'd still like to have hope in God doing a.

will not make his wife do anything. But God does have a way of influencing and bringing people into our lives that can influence them. I think the other thing is for him not to have the same attitude she has at this point. That is him. Not to think in terms of what can I do to make her suffer. And I don't think he has that attitude. I didn't gather that. But taking revenge on her and and putting her down is not anything that's going to be helpful. I think she knows that he wants to work on

the marriage. It appears like that. She knows that, but she's not willing to work on it. Now, there are reasons why. And of course, I have no idea what the background of this situation is. And she probably has a lot of reasons why she is where she is in terms of his behavior. Uh, so at any rate, he's limited in terms of what he can do in having physical contact with her and talking with her, but

he's not limited in talking to God. And I would say, use this time to build your own relationship with God. Begin to develop a deeper relationship with God. Spend time reading Christian books, spend time reading the Bible every single day and asking God to show you what can make you a person that would be following his plan. So you know life's deepest meaning is found in a relationship with God, not in a relationship with a wife or with children. Those are important. But but first of all,

it starts with a relationship with God. So I would say use the pain and hurt that you're feeling and

the frustration that you're feeling. Use that to push you to spend more time with God and maybe get counseling yourself, you know, just to help you grow in your relationship with God and process your own emotions because, uh, you know, sitting down with the counselor and sharing your story and, and getting some ideas in terms of how you can cope with your own feelings and your own frustrations will be helpful for you.

to go for counseling. We live in Colorado, but I'm hanging on by a thread and actually, we've been separated for three months right now. He was so verbally abusive that I finally left. And, um, I've put up with his verbal abuse for 39 years and I can't take anymore. So I don't know. Maybe you can give us some advice. I hope you have a great weekend and thanks so much. Bye.

for counseling. You're just you if he's not willing to go, which apparently he's not willing to go because you need you need a counselor to help you work through all the pain struggles you've had for these last 39 years and process those things. If he sees you going for counseling, it may at some juncture stimulate him to say, okay, I'm willing. I'm willing to go, and I've got to work on myself. You say you can't work on him, but you can work on you in terms of finding

a counselor if you're in Colorado. I would suggest you call focus on the family. You may be familiar with that. It's a Christian radio program that's been on for years. They have counselors who will talk to you on the phone. They will not do long term counseling with you, but they will hear your story, and they will give you the name and contact information of counselors in your area of Colorado. They are located in Colorado Springs. I would say, you know, go online, focus on the family and and

get their phone number and call them. Tell them your situation. Tell them you'd like to talk with a counselor, and then let that counselor begin to give you wisdom, or where you can find a counselor in your area. So it's not going to go away with the passing of time. 39 years is a long time. And if you've lived with this pattern all these years, it's not going away on its own. It will only change if he ultimately is willing to get help, but that may well start

with you getting help. I know in your mind he's the total problem and he's the one that needs to be going. But you can set an example by going yourself, and you need help to process the pain and hurt that you're feeling after all these years.

Chris made a comment about, um, abusive marriages. I would like to make the point that someone who's abusive after the marriage ceremony, sometimes it doesn't show before the marriage ceremony because they are displaying their most loving persona before the marriage. They have almost two personality years, one before the marriage and one after the marriage. They're very good at, um, displaying what they think you want from a marriage partner

before the marriage. Thank you for listening to my comments.

he's living in an unreal world. He's meeting a physical need that he has, but he's doing it in an unreal world, and that is never healthy and it's always detrimental to a marriage. So. So until he is willing to deal with that issue, the marriage is not going to get any better. You know, he's not going to turn to his wife for sexual fulfillment when he's satisfying

himself in an unreal world. I think in both of these cases, whether it's pornography or whether it's abuse, physical or emotional abuse, the first step for the partner would be to get counseling themselves, because they need to learn how to show tough love. That is, how to ultimately say to that person with some confidence, but but they should be done. I think after talking with a counselor, because you need you're going to need help to walk

this journey. But you're essentially saying to them, I love you too much to stay here and do nothing and let you abuse me the way you're abusing me. You cannot be ultimately satisfied by abusing me this way. And so I'm not abandoning you, but I am going to move out, and I'm going to move in with my mother or whatever plan you have. I'm willing to go for counseling any time you want to go. But I love you too much to sit here and do nothing.

It's that kind of tough love that is far more likely to stimulate someone who is being abusive, or someone who is on porn to reach out and say, okay, okay, I've got to deal with this and I'll go with you for counseling. Now, tough love is always more effective when it's preceded by a period of tender love. Here's

what I mean. If you know your spouse's love language in either of these situations, and you're speaking it and you have spoken it for a period of time, you're doing the most positive thing you can do to influence them. Then if you give tough love, they've got something to lose because you've been loving them. And they don't deserve to be loved. You've been loving them like God loves us. And then you say to them, you know, I'm moving out because I love you too much to stay here

and do nothing. They're far more motivated now because they're about to lose someone who's been loving them, where they don't deserve to be loved. So that's the that's the most positive approach that I can suggest.