She's always arguing with me and belittling me and calling me names that I cannot repeat. I have all those love languages. I'm sure everybody does. I've been praying that God would soften her heart towards me. I thought I was.
The only one that was feeling this way.
Welcome to building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller The Five Love Languages. Today, our final broadcast of 2024. As we take your calls and questions for this trusted author and pastor. And remember, if you'd like to ask Doctor Chapman a question in the New Year, our number is 1866424. Gary. That's 1-866-424-4279.
I am really encouraged with the response to some of our recent programs. Gary, and you're going to hear a number of men's voices on the program today. Love it when men Get Involved. A featured resource at Building Relationships US is the five Love Languages for men. Workbook bundle. Now this is five love languages for men and then the accompanying workbook. You can find out more at Building
Relationships us. But I want you to hear at the start, Gary, tell us a little more about this workbook and this edition that's geared specifically to men.
Well, you know, Chris, on the book itself, the Five Love Languages for men is obviously the same five love languages, but I'm giving the guys a little extra help. Okay. In terms of how do we speak these love languages? And you don't have to have positive feelings at the moment, but you're choosing an attitude of love, and then you're learning how to speak these love languages. But the workbook I am really excited about this because, you know, it's
one thing to read a book. It's another thing chapter by chapter to apply what you've read. And the workbook helps you do that. You read the chapter, then you turn to the workbook and it helps you apply what you just read. So I think it's going to help men in a really practical way, to continue to grow in their ability to share love in a meaningful way to their spouses.
Yes.
Again, you can find out more. Just go to Building relationships.us. The featured resource is the five Love Languages for men Workbook bundle. Just go to building relationships.us. All right I want to begin by reading a question from a listener. She teaches a marriage class with her husband. They use the Five Love Languages book they give them as gifts
and prizes, which I think is a great idea. And she recommends that people take the free quiz, the assessment at the website, and people have said to her that the quiz is no longer free. You have to pay, you know there's a cost for it. So I want you to clear that up for us and tell us what is the difference between the free assessment and the one that has a cost?
Yeah, well the new one is called the Premium Assessment, which gives you a lot more information than simply what your primary love language is. Uh, it will tell you some of the dialects and help you discover the dialects of your primary love language, which are, you know, different ways and avenues in which to express your primary language to others or for them to express it to you. And it also deals with personality and how your personality
interfaces with your love languages. So it's really a lot more help in that premium assessment. The other one, of course, is still free. And we we want to keep it that way because we want people to be able to determine their primary love language easily and freely.
So if you go to building relationships.us, you'll see that assessment right there. Both the free assessment and the one that has a cost with it, the premium. Just go to building relationships.us. Us. Here's another five love languages question a basic one, plus kind of a curious response from a spouse about the book.
Hi, Gary. Question for you. The five love languages. I understand those, but I have all those love languages. I'm sure everybody does. Or maybe. Are they ranked in order? Strangely enough, like, I guess that's question one. Question two would be I gave your book to my wife. This would be years ago. She was furious, and she thought it was inappropriate that I gave it to her. She's a beast. Even these days. Even these days, she's kind of a beast and doesn't take kindly to being told
what to do, but she sure likes to hand it out. Anyways, back to my question number one. Everybody has those love languages built into them. One might be stronger or not. Thanks.
Well, I think it is true that all five of these are legitimate ways to express love. and I think all of us would receive any one of the five. We're not opposed to any one of these five. But yes, the key is that each of us has what I call a primary love language. That is, one of the five speaks more deeply to us emotionally than the other four.
We can receive love in all five, but if we don't receive love in our primary language, likely we will not feel loved even though the other person is expressing love in some of the other ways. And that, I think, is what has helped so many couples learn how to effectively communicate love to their spouse. Now, the fact that your wife got upset about your giving her the book. I can't read her mind, of course, but my guess is she thought this was you saying to her, girl,
you got to learn my love language. You read this book and you can love me more effectively. And so she's pushing back on that. She doesn't like to be told what to do. And that's why sometimes I've said to to couples, especially if their marriage is a little bit strained. Anyway, why don't you have one of her friends give her the book rather than you giving it to her, because you give it to her as she reads, she's thinking, what is he trying to tell me? What
is he trying to tell me? But if a friend gives it to her, the lights begin to come on. She said, oh, this makes a lot of sense, you know. No. This is why I sometimes don't feel loved by my husband. He's not speaking my primary language, and I wonder if I'm speaking his primary language. Well, just a thought. Okay, too late for you, but hopefully helpful to others.
Well, it might not be too late to go back and say, you know, you must have felt like I had an agenda here or there was an expectations. This is something that really helped me and turned the light on for me. And I thought it might be helpful for you as well. Um, and, you know, to, to reintroduce that and show a little bit of his heart rather than her feeling like, oh, he just wants me to do this so that, you know, he'll feel loved again. That could break down some barriers, don't you think?
Well, I think so. It's certainly worth a try. You know nothing to be lost. So, yeah, you know, I think all of us, we are all self-centered. And when we read the book, many times, we're thinking in terms of, oh, my spouse is not speaking my language. That's why I don't feel loved. You know, we're thinking about ourselves and that's okay. And the book is designed to help us both understand ourselves. But also the emphasis in the book is learning how to express love to your spouse in
their primary love language. And consequently, if you do that over an extended period of time, chances are they're going to start speaking your language because love stimulates love. The Bible says we love God because he first loved us. So in a relationship, that same principle is true. You love your spouse and their primary love language over an
extended period of time. There's a good chance that your love coming through to them is going to stimulate inside of them a desire to learn to speak your love language.
Our featured resource is the Five Love Languages for men workbook bundle might be a great way to start the new year for men who want to learn more about the love language concept, just go to Building Relationships. Dot us Gary. On the second Saturday in November, we aired a program we had with Sheri Mueller and her book, I Want Him to Want Me How to Respond When Your Husband Doesn't Want Sex. And we had a number of calls related to that broadcast that I want you
to hear. So for parents listening with young kids, these next few calls deal with intimacy in marriage.
I heard your program today, Gary. And all I can say is. Wow. Thank you so much. Gary and Chris and Andrea and especially Sherry Mueller. I got married when I was 25. I found Playboy magazines under the couch. He wouldn't sleep with me. I, um, he'd sleep on the couch until I was asleep in bed. I bought a black, sexy nightgown, and he said, you know, I like you better naked. So it was awful. And finally,
I'm 76 now. And now, praise God, and thank you, thank you, thank you all for giving me the answer to what really was emotional abuse. And I was embarrassed to tell anyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Bye.
Well, you know, Chris, I think there may be a lot of listeners, ladies in particular, who have struggled with this through the years but did not want to share it with anybody because they had all these thoughts of, you know, why is he like this? You know, why is he not like other men? Or at least like I think other men are? Uh, but they're just they're just afraid to share it. They don't want to share it.
And this is really a powerful thing for her after all these years, to hear someone talking about this openly and it resonates with her, you know, and she realizes that this is not normal. This is not natural. I don't know if her husband's still alive or not at that age, but at any rate, I'm glad she found it helpful and I hope others did as well.
This next call then, is representative of the women, like our first caller who responded to Shari Mueller and her message in what she said back in November.
Hi, Gary. The program today I've been an answer to a lot of thinking that I've been doing. I am in a relationship with my husband that he does not want to be intimate, and it's very hurtful and very demeaning. And this sheds a great light on what I have hesitated to talk about. I thought I was the only one that was feeling this way. Anyway, thank you for your program. God bless. Bye.
Well, you know, Chris, there may be people listening today who did not hear that program give us the name of that book again, because I would hope that ladies in that situation would read that book because it's very, very helpful.
Yes. I want him to want me. How to respond when your husband doesn't want sex. And the website, if you go to building relationships us and you go through our past programs. You can hear that program if you didn't hear it back in November. So just go to building relationships.us. And when you find that program, you'll also see a link to the book as well. I Want
Him to Want Me by Sheri Mueller. The other thing about that program was Gary, Sherry's husband, came on toward the end of the program, and we had a little conversation with him as well. But it's representative that the wound or the the hurt, the pain of one person can help somebody else. And what I really resonated with that call is I thought I was the only one. There are a lot of women and a lot of
men too, about different issues that feel that way. I think I'm the only one here, and sharing our stories just brings down the walls there.
I think you're right. And this is why, you know, I encourage couples. I don't care what the problem is if you've struggled with it for a long time. Go for counseling and probably what you'll find out. You're not the only one who's struggling with this. Counselors are familiar with all kinds of struggles in marriage, and if people would just be willing to reach out, you know, they can find help. Books can help, but counseling can also be very, very important.
Here's a response from a caller who thought that the program, he could leave the message and get it answered right then. So let me just say, if you call 866424 Gary and leave a message, it will be for a future dear Gary broadcast. Okay. And we'd love to hear your response to this program or a question that you're going through right now. 1866424. Gary. But here's our next caller.
Hi, Gary. For years, I used to fantasize about having sex with imaginary women. And after I got married, it affected my sex life. Could you comment on that, please. Thank you.
You know, Chris, I think many men do not realize how their involvement with pornography or thoughts which this man talks about imaginary thoughts with having sex with a particular woman that you might see in the course of your journey day by day. I think a lot of men don't realize how that is going to affect them later on, because what they've done is built an imaginary picture of what it would be like and how wonderful it would be.
And then they get married in the real world with a real person, and they find out, oh, this is this is not what I thought it was going to be. You know, that's why my conference is you know what I'm talking about this part of the marriage. I say we have to grow together in marriage to learn how to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. It's not automatic, you know, just jumping in bed and it's going to happen.
It's a learning process, just like we have to learn in many other areas of life to work together as a team. And I think all of those unreal experiences, whether it's imaginary or whether it's pornography, set us up to be defeated and discouraged when we get married, because we're going to sense this is not what I thought it was going to be. So yeah, I'm glad he called because I think that's a topic many men need to hear.
Yes, and I think that's what we've done this program before to this topic. I think that's why these Facebook romances from old flames from high school kind of bubbled to the surface in a person's life, men or women, because we remember the the feelings that we had, you know, when we were 17, 18, 19, early 20s with this person and that maybe were never even realized you never got physical with them. But the memory of that comes back when you see them all these years later and
you think, well, what if I'd made that choice? That's a lure that the enemy uses, isn't it?
I think so, Chris. And I think many times they're in a marriage now with another person that's not going well. And they're thinking, oh, if I'd married her, it wouldn't be like this reality. She's a human, too, and you're a human. And you would have similar, not necessarily the same problems, but similar problems as well. And that's why I think communication is so important in this part of our marriage. And many couples don't talk about it, you know,
they just think it's supposed to happen. They don't discuss it. You know what's meaningful to you, what's not meaningful to you, what turns you on? What turns you off? I mean, you know, real conversations, helping each other understand how we can have mutual sexual satisfaction, which I think is God's design for marriage.
Yes.
And that's one of the things that Sherry Mueller talked about again. Her book is I want him to want me. We aired the program the second Saturday in November. Just go to Building Relationships us. And if you didn't hear that, you can hear it again. And you can see more about that book. I want him to want me. Okay. One more response from a man who wanted to give a little different perspective.
Hi, Gary. I hear, um, this lady on the show. She's speaking, um, about the lack of interest her husband seems to have towards her when it comes to sex or being intimate, but I haven't heard anyone mention anything about their husband's age or his health condition. And that's because a lot of men have low testosterone. The urgency for sexual relations is not nearly as strong as it used to be in the past, but also they have
other distractions. And don't forget, we live in a spiritual, wicked world where the spirit of the devil is very present. They can have sexual desires and urgency for other peoples, more so than their wife, and their focus is there. Or they could have secret relationships and their wife knows nothing about it. Therefore, their desires for her gets weaker and weaker and weaker, and whatever the other person they're
being with, it gets stronger and stronger. Over a period of time, they may lose that desire for their wife completely. It doesn't mean they have lost their sexual desires, but they have lost their sexual desires for her. And on the other hand, is she doing anything at all to make her husband desires strong enough that he had that same sexual appetite for her as he does with someone else he could be involved with. They might just want to ask him, can you be honest with me and
just tell me, what is it? Because we have no sexual relationship or it's so weak until it's unreal. Can you please explain to me your position? Some women have an essay or don't know how. I'm sure it's an embarrassing question, but somehow it needs to come up or the relationship would be dead in that area. Thank you and have a great day.
Chris, I think this caller is touching on some very real things in many marriages and why some men are not involved as much with their wives because they're either satisfying their sexual desires with pornography, or they are involved physically with somebody else that the wife is unaware of, that he was giving good advice to wives. If that's if that's the case, you might just ask your husband, be honest with me now. What's going on? Where are
you finding sexual satisfaction? He may or may not be honest with you, but at least it would. It's worth asking the question. Then the other point he's making is there is a physical dimension to sexuality. And yes, there may be a physical problem with the husband. He mentioned one of those. But if a man himself knows that he doesn't have the sexual desire for his wife or anyone else, then it's worth a medical exam to find out if he needs to seek some medical attention as well.
That's really helpful. And again, if you go to building relationships. Us? You can find that book. I want him to want me. The second Saturday in November is when we aired the conversation with Sherry Mueller. Just go to building. relationships.us. Have time for a question here. Gary, that I found going back through my email. And I don't think I ever asked you this question, but this was back during the pandemic,
you know, so it's been a few years. I'm writing about a friend who has a real problem, and I don't know how to advise her. Her husband has a shady past with alcohol, drugs, and adultery. He claims he became a Christian two years ago. He was doing well, but recently he's fallen off the wagon. It started with drinking and he's gone downhill to the point of visiting strip clubs. He will not listen to reason from his Christian wife and won't answer calls. He is upsetting the
entire household, which includes several young children. He's not violent, but she's at her wits end trying to deal with him and caring for her children, which includes an infant. She's been putting up with this most of their married life, and was actually delivering their third baby alone because he had gone away. She's forgiven him over and over again and wants the marriage to work. He keeps saying that
he's sorry and then goes back to his shenanigans. I would like to tell her to leave, but she really has no family here in this area. She's seeking godly advice. What would you advise?
Well, Chris, you have to be moved just by reading. Reading that. And I understand why she would say, you know, just get out that that sometimes seems like the only thing. But it's very difficult when you have five children and no family to turn to. I would really hope that this wife could see a Christian counselor, or if she can't afford that, that somebody would help her find a Christian counselor that can not only hear her struggle, but
also help hold her husband accountable. It would be great.
He said he became a Christian two years ago if that was in the context of a local church, and if he actually joined the local church, I think perhaps talking to the pastor as well, or a Christian counselor, the pastor might suggest, because someone outside the family who is a Christian may be having the information you're sharing, willing to call him and say, you know, your wife came to me for some counseling and I really want to help her, but I really need to hear your perspective.
Would you be willing to come and see me? And a pastor can do that. You know, I've done that many times through the years when only one person would come for counseling, and I've never had anyone that wouldn't come in. If I say I need your perspective on the marriage, but as they come in, then you have an opportunity to hear their side of the story, but also an opportunity to lovingly confront them with the reality that this lifestyle is not going to lead to a
healthy marriage. And God can help you. You know, for two years, it seems like maybe he did fairly well. God can help you break these habits. You don't have to continue in this lifestyle, but someone has. You know, God uses people and so someone confronting him in a loving, kind way. Maybe God's answer in turning him around. And obviously with five children, they need a father, but they don't need a father that's not contributing, that's causing problems.
So I think confrontation, loving confrontation, she would have to have someone outside the family confronting him if it's going to be most effective.
Yeah.
The reason I wanted to read that today is, you know, maybe there's somebody who's going through that right now, or maybe that man who was written about, you know, is out there and he's listening, or he's open then to restoration and, and true forgiveness and, and coming back and, and real redemption, you know, that comes along because that can happen. There is hope for that person, even with alcohol and drugs and and all that he was involved with.
There is new life. There's abundant life available for him, isn't there?
Absolutely. And when a person like that, if he really did become a Christian, if he's confronted by a Christian who's lovingly confronting him and gently confronting him, he's far more likely to be open to that person, because they bring not only the realization that this has got to change, but they come with the realization God can give you the power to do this. Many, many people have beaten this kind of lifestyle. So yeah, that's the key. But
it doesn't happen if someone doesn't confront him. Because when you're into alcohol, drugs and sexual relationships of all kinds outside the marriage, that does not stop simply with the passing of time. There has to be confrontation. But if a person is a Christian at all, they will likely respond positively to that kind of confrontation.
This is the building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman podcast. Thanks for listening and for telling others about our conversations. When you go to five Love languages.com, you can find more ways to strengthen your relationships. Just click the resources tab and you'll find the podcast there and today's featured resource. Again go to five Love languages.com.
Gary, you answered a question about a spiritual mismatch on a Dear Gary broadcast. This was back at the end of September. Here's a follow up to that call.
Hi, Gary. A stronger answer could have advised the mother to suggest her son and the Hindu woman have premarital counseling and read premarital books. Also read related articles. And I suggested it would recommend that they talk to others who have experienced pitfalls, from marriage to someone who is not a Christian, but who has another God. This is a serious issue. Thank you.
Well, Chris, I don't remember what my answer was to the original question. This mismatch in marriage. But obviously what she's saying is true. Uh, premarital counseling and reading books on marriage Age beforehand. You know, the book I wrote is called things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got married. And I deal with the spiritual issue in that book, among other things, it has to be dealt with. Are
we marching to the beat of the same drummer? If we've got two different gods and everything that flows out of those beliefs in God, we're setting ourselves up for trouble in marriage. And I have had couples who've read my book and actually decided not to get married, because in this area or some other areas, they realize they were just too far apart to to have, you know, real communion in a relationship. And certainly then premarital counseling
is the ideal. If you sit down with a premarital counselor, uh, even even if they're not a Christian, they're probably going to say to you, you're living in two different worlds, a Hindu world and a Christian world, two different worlds. You guys need to really take this seriously. So her advice was good.
I think the caller back in September was a mom who was concerned about her son and then future daughter in law. That's what I think was happening. And so you were speaking mainly to the mom, and because she said, what can I do? And and so this caller was hearing that through. Well, you should have told her this and that. So if you ever hear Gary answer a question and you say the same thing, Gary, why didn't you say this? Call us 866424. Gary. Gary's humble enough
to say he doesn't know everything. And believe it. Eight. Six. Six. Four. Two. Four. Gary. Because you may say something. You may miss something even in the question. Though you very rarely do that that somebody else can pick up on. That's helpful, isn't it?
Absolutely. Chris, I'm always open to ideas or responses to what I've said, negative or positive.
So your call Your question might help someone else who's listening in the new year, which is right around the corner. Call with your question or response. 1866424 Gary, we'd love to hear from you. Now here's a man with a difficult situation.
Hi, Gary. Um, I just heard a wife call in that was working on. She had been separated with the hopes of reconciliation with her husband, who had been not physically or whatever, you know, abusing her, but more emotionally and invalidating her thoughts and her contributions. And I thought I heard you mention that it might be the other way. It could be the other way. And, you know, my wife hasn't really expressed any terms of endearment or love
for for years. And I've been praying that God would soften her heart towards me, that he would keep me a faithful, loving husband. I've tried to get her to go to counseling. I've been to counseling and she would refuse to go. It's my understanding that I have no option to separate from her because I'm accountable as the husband. I'd like your thoughts on that, please.
Well, I think any time a husband is married to a wife who is not affirming him at all and not expressing, you know, expressions of love to him at all, it's very difficult. But I admire this husband because he is also demonstrating a deep commitment to his faith in God and his commitment to marriage. Because marriage in the Bible is seen as a covenant that we make with each other in the presence of God, that we are
going to be there for each other. And simply because one spouse is not responding in a positive way doesn't give us grounds to divorce them. Listen, many people are not expressing love to their spouse at certain phases in that life. But I would say this if he has a friend or a contact with a friend of hers, and if she has never read the five love languages, if a friend could give that book to her, it may be something God could use to open her eyes. Now,
maybe that's already happened. I don't know. But a wife that's not responding to her husband with affirmation or any expressions of love if she reads that book many times God has used it to help that woman come to see. Oh, this is this. This makes sense to me. And I've seen marriages that were either. Neither one of them had hope that things were going to get better. But they do get better when they understand the concept of the
five love languages. The other thing I would say is if you know her love language, then you continue speaking that language and speaking on a regular basis. Because if indeed you are touching her emotionally, that is meeting that emotional need for love in her life, she's far more likely to begin to treat you in a different way. And I don't know if you know her love language or not, and you can't really tell her. You know, I need to know your love language because I want
to love you better. That's probably too brazen. But again, if she could have that book in her hands and read it, then you could have a conversation that might really turn things around.
That situation is not the the normal slash usual one that I hear. I more often hear women call and say, my my husband, you know, doesn't love me and I can't get him to go to counseling that he, you know, that he is gone. And he says she's not open to this. Uh, as you said, I really respect him for doing that hard work in himself and going to the counselor. But a lot of times it's the other way around, isn't it?
Absolutely, Chris. Far more common that wives say, my husband will not go for counseling. He won't read a book on marriage. He won't go to a marriage conference. He won't even talk about us.
Yeah.
You know, and that's that's tragic because we can't grow if we don't communicate and talk about our relationship in a positive way. I don't mean arguing all the time, but I mean talking about it openly and honestly with each other.
Is there a way? Here's my final question about this. Is there a way to soften someone else's heart?
Well, I think to communicate love to her and to say to her, perhaps, you know, honey, I don't know how you feel about us and our relationship, but I really, in my heart, I love you. Now, I don't know if it comes across to you that way. I don't know if you're really feeling my love. But deep in my heart I love you deeply. And I'm not. I'm not sure I'm coming across. I'm not sure you're sensing how deeply I love you. Can can you can you
give me some insight on that? She may well open up to him, you know, and he may realize that indeed, even though she may know nothing about the love language concept, he may realize he has been missing her because he's speaking. He's loving her, but not in her love language. So she may not feel loved by him, just as he doesn't feel loved by her. But I think in conversation in which you're turning it on yourself and saying, I
really want to have a good marriage. And I know that one of the most important things is that people feel loved. And I know in my heart I do love you, but I'm not sure you feel that I love you. She opens up to that he may get some information that will help him to know how to invest his time and energy in the most effective way, in expressing love to her, which then touches her heart and makes her open to respond to him in a different way.
She feels demeaned and dismissed and doesn't feel heard. How do you deal with that in a marriage? Here's our next caller.
Hi, Gary. Just wondering, what do I do? My husband always talks down to me like I am not important. And then when I ever try talking to him, he doesn't act like he's listening or that he cares what I have to say. And that even the sentence he tries to hurry me up to finishing it or rolls his eyes so I never feel like he cares what I'm saying and Seems to always not care about me as far as my opinion or my mind, or just don't know what to do anymore. And was thinking yes,
that this was abuse because he doesn't. He talks to me like not good. Thank you.
Well, you know, Chris, when you hear, uh, where she is in this relationship and how she feels, you have you have to have empathy for that because it's very difficult when you feel like, you know, you're not really valued and your ideas are not valued by your spouse. Oh, what might she do? You know, I don't know if she's ever read the five love languages or not, but if she could read it and he could read it,
it could be transformative in that marriage. Another step in the process might be for her to say to him, honey, I've been thinking a lot about us and I want to ask you a question. How could I be a better wife to you? He might be shocked by the question. He may have an immediate answer and tell you 2 or 3 things that would make you a better wife. But what I'm saying is, you can't change him, but
you can change yourself. So if you're open to asking that question to him and he's giving you an answer and you respond to that in a positive way, he may in time ask you that question. You know, you asked me this question some time ago and and I shared some things with you on how you could be a better wife. And I just want to say I really appreciate the changes you've made. So let me ask you, how could I be a better husband. That would be
an approach. I have no idea how he would respond if you asked that, but I do know it would be a non-threatening thing to him. You're not telling him what he should do. You're not complaining about how you feel. You're asking him a question. What could I do to be a better wife? And then if you respond to what he says, you might find that that would be the road to eventually him learning to respect you and show that respect and show that love to you, because
your love would stimulate love in him. That's a pattern.
You know how I responded to her call, especially with the dismissal or hurry up, you know, get to the point. Come on. I wonder if there's. If she felt that way in in the past, in any other relationship, maybe in her family or mom or dad siblings that she had, you know? Come on, get to the point. Move along. And so when he says that, and when he acts that way, it touches this nerve inside that even pushes her down even further. And I'm not saying that, you know,
it's she's the problem. I'm just saying that it makes it more painful for her to have somebody that she's committed to and loves act that way toward her.
Well, that is certainly a possibility, Chris, no question about it. That experiences we've had in childhood and we've if we felt put down, that our ideas are not important to the family members that we grew up in, then we get into a marriage and we find that it triggers back those emotions that we felt way back then. And many times we're not even realizing where it's coming from. We don't realize this is the way it was when I was growing up. Now here's my husband treating me
the same way. Yeah, that could well be a part of it. And that's why her going for counseling could be helpful.
For her.
To understand herself and why she's feeling what she's feeling.
Yes, and that might elicit some questions from him as well. If she if she changes a little bit in the relationship and he's asking what's going on with you, you know, after she goes along for counseling. Um, that's not a panacea. You know, it's not a fix for everything, but learning more about yourself is always a good thing. And, uh, Gary, thanks for that answer. We have one more final call here on our dear Gary, the last one of 2024. And this is another response to the Sherry Mueller program,
which dealt with intimacy in marriage. Again, if you didn't hear that conversation, go to building. relationships.us. You can hear the program from November 8th right there. Building relationships.us. Here's our final question of 2024.
Thank you for your, uh, your show today. It was awesome. I just want to throw my two my $0.02. My wife, she loves to argue and fight and so this makes me not really want to be making love to somebody who is so hateful. She's not a Christian. And also I love her because I'm a Christian, but she hates God and she's always making fun of me for reading the Bible every day. But I will still love her
no matter what. But why? I don't want to make love to her because she's always arguing with me and hateful and belittling me and calling me names that I cannot cannot repeat. But I'm going to love her. I'm going to stay in this marriage no matter what. She's broken up with me like a thousand times, and I've never broken up with her when we were not married. One time I did just to show her that maybe
it's my fault. Whatever. I'm just saying. Fighting and hating and saying that she don't love me and she hates me and all that. And then. Now you want me to make love to you. It's just, you know, I just feel like. And that's what I told her. I only told her one time. I said, I just feel like you don't. You don't love me. You hate me, you despise me. And that's why. Okay. Thank you for listening.
Well, Chris, in a situation like this, he's describing what I think other men might describe as the problem in his situation as to why he is not interested in being intimate with her. And when you realize that you're hearing that sort of thing day after day after day, we're not drawn to to a spouse. If we're getting all that negative stuff, you know, coming from them. I really appreciate his commitment. You know, his sense of commitment.
He's not going to walk away from her. The question would be, what can he do that might help the situation? And he probably has no idea. And I'm not sure I have any good ideas, to be honest with you. When you when you hear that sort of thing day after day after day. But again, let me go back to what I just suggested to the other caller. What if he said to her, I know that our relationship is not what it should be, and I have the sense that you sometimes hate me, that you sometimes, uh,
and he can tell whatever he's heard from her. But what I want to do, I want to ask you, can you just give me 1 or 2 things that I could do or not do that would make me a better husband? And the reason I say 1 or 2 is because I want to be able to work on them. And you might have 16 but if you give me 1 or 2 and let me see if I can work on those, then in a month or so I'll ask you again and you can give me some other ideas. Again, I'm operating on the reality. He
cannot make her change. He cannot change her. The only person he can change is himself. And my guess is that he's just been trying to survive all these negative words that she's throwing at him, and he's having not only a hard time in the physical area, but in the rest of life. I mean, when you live with that all the time, it's hard to live with. And so the same God who gives him the power to live with that and to stay in the marriage, can give him the power to honestly ask how he could
be a better husband. And then honestly, with God's help, begin to make some changes and he just might see a change in her. But at least he's taking initiative to do something rather than just, you know, sit there and continue to go through the same old thing over and over.
Right.
White knuckle it. Yeah. You know, the other thing, it sounds like he's not hiding his faith. You know, she knows about his his faith in God. And and she makes fun of him or demeans him for that. And and my question is, I wonder why this intense hatred toward God or toward Christianity. Or maybe it's his his brand of Christianity. Or maybe there's something like the earlier call. There's something that happened to her way back when, and
that is bubbling up here. And this is she thinks, I didn't sign up for this, you know, and he can't know that unless they have those kinds of conversations.
Yeah, you're right, Chris. That's why I think, again, you know, open conversations are important. So many couples go through years of not willing to discuss with each other their problems unless they do it in a negative, condemning way, which is what she's doing to him. And and so they just keep that lifestyle of just shooting each other. And it's it's never going to lead to anything positive if
they continue to shoot each other. That's why I sometimes say the first step in a marriage like that is to call a truce. What if we just say, you know, honey, we've shot each other so much, we both are wounded. Can we just have a truce? And for maybe for the for a month. Agree that we will not shoot each other. We will not throw verbal bombs at each other just for a month and see. See what it's like. And maybe we can get calm enough that we can
begin to work on our marriage. So sometimes calling a truce, if both are willing to do it. But somebody's got to bring it up. And if you go for a month without shooting each other, you might be a different climate that you could then talk about some other things. So yeah, it's communication, but it's hard when you're both just shooting each other.
Well, before we conclude, let me give you our number where you can leave a question for Doctor Chapman or respond to something maybe you've heard today. 1866424. Gary. What you ask? What's going on in your life might help somebody else as well as yourself. Eight. 866424. Gary is our number for any question or comment you have about your relationships in the New Year. We'd love to hear
from you. If you go to the website Building Relationships Us, you'll find our featured resource right there the five Love Languages for Men Workbook bundle. Just go to Building relationships.us.
And next week we begin 2025 with a program about men and sexual purity.
Don't miss the conversation about a bold biblical battle plan for men to start the New Year. A big thank you to our hard working production team, Steve Wick and Janice. Backing building relationships with Doctor Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and.
Happy New Year.