Building a Better Dave

The Policeman is Your Friend

Tales From The Couch

Ah yes. Therapy. The lovely activity of paying someone insane amounts of money to have them tell you-you suck. You pay someone to basically watch you argue. We did, and at the end, he said, “I don’t care if you use me or not, but if you don’t change you guys are going to get divorced.” He was blunt. He also dropped F-bombs on a regular basis and came across unprofessional. We found a lovely older Christian counselor. We paid her lots of money to listen to us argue. We also got to learn about the...

Family Fued

Role Reversal

It’s funny when you have young kids. How do they get your attention when they are hungry? They scream and cry. You can shake keys at them, put on Barney (or whatever the latest kid tv is), bounce them on your knee and NOTHING matters unless you solve their one problem: THEY’RE HUNGRY. This week my father was disgnosed with Colon cancer. It’s a scary place to be and a scary situation to live through. The first night in the hospital, my father had gone through a few tests and he thought they had r...

The Wildest Ride of My Life

I spent the weekend with a bunch of Humor Writer at the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. I had an absolute blast. I sat in on a session or two. One was lead by Jerry Zezima (Columnist and author of the book Leave it to Boomer ). I have a new appreciation for authors. I do my little stories with sounds and tone of voice. They have words, and only words. Jerry gave us an exercise to think about “the Wildest Ride I Ever Had.” My idea came quickly. I was about and we were at Geauga Lake Amusement park...

Half Way To Dead

I will turn 45 in a little less than two weeks (Feb 8th). I’m starting to feel like Andy Rooney. Looking back at my life here are some thoughts: Every phone had a chord on it. The phone RANG. There were no ring tones. Movies were about $5 and if you didn’t see it at the movies you waited till it came on TV. There was no way to rewind or pause. If you had to do something you had to wait until a commercial came on. Cars ran on leaded gasoline. Speaking of Gasoline, the air was dirty and the sex wa...

Problems Vs Annoyances

Today I share a voicemail I got from a friend of mine Fred Castenada. He is a great guy, great entrepreneur, and has tons of experience. Fred is a Vietnam veteran. Now when I say Vietnam I don't mean the fun, wacky Vietnam you see in the movies with guys smoking cigs, and joking around in the jungle. Fred was and is the real deal. Fred was on the very front line, and live to tell when many of his friends did not. Thank you Fred for serving your country. This Thanksgiving maybe we were talking ab...

Just Plain Hungry

Today I talk about a lovely trip to Chicago where we stop at a Burger King to get something to drink. When we go back to the to the car only to find our GPS missing. We noticed the homeless guy near my car, and like my GPS he was also gone. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that all homeless people are thieves, and con artists. You should donate to those organizations that help the homeless.This way we know the money is being (hopefully) used for good.

Dave the Baptist

So where have I been? Well I got a job I hated, and now I have a job I love. Then the dog ate a whole box of Trix, and then a WHOLE chocolate cake, and then decided to throw up on the couch. It's been fun. The road to happily ever after has taken a new strange twist. I've had an urge to become a pastor for about 4 years (I occasionally fill in for the pastor), and to make a long story short, when the pastor asked to me to think about becoming an interim pastor I said "yes." This means I get to g...

Can I Help You?

Today I talk about the sport of having sex when you have children in the house. I also relive July 1972 when the Stones came to town. I wasn't allowed out because of the hippies. Most people talk about the oldest child having very strict parents, the youngest having it too easy (and getting spoiled) and of course the middle child getting lost in the shuffle. To me none of these apply. The child that has it worst is the child whose bedroom is next to Mom and Dad's. Maybe I'm weird, but when I wal...

A Relaxing Float Down the River

Today we finish up with stories from my honeymoon. This time we relive the "relaxing" trip we had riding inner tubes down the little river in Pigeon Forge TN. We had a great time. We have the scars to prove it. We talk about scooter and his death defying dives, taking people out of the river, bees, deathly undertows, all for only $8 for the whole day.

Who Wants Pancakes?

Pancake House Diane (my wife) and I headed off for our honeymoon. Destination Pigeon Forge Tennessee. It was about a 9 hour drive and on the way we listened to the radio, and finally popped in an audio book about making your second marriage work. It helped pass the time, and kept us alert. We got to Tennessee and when we got to Pigeon Forge it looked like a hillbilly version of the Vegas strip. Instead of spectacular hotels, you had a pancake house, and a pancake house, and a pancake house, and ...

Just What I Always Wanted

Today I talk about a gift I got for Christmas. I’m going to be 45 in a few weeks, so I know I’m “Half way to dead.” However, what does it say if someone gets you the clapper ? I mean the commercial shows some woman who sits up in bed and claps the light off. This woman looks, well, half way to dead. Now the interesting thing is, the clapper is a great GIFT. I mean IT ROCKS. The sad thing is I ended up using it just like the old woman on the commercial. I have it hooked up to the light right next...

Sex, Drugs, and Christmas

Today I come to you with the demented slant on Christmas music. This was caused by hearing the same 14 songs over and over. I mean I love Andy Williams, but not for four weeks straight. It turns out that while rock music is about Sex Drugs and Rock n Roll, Christmas music is the same. BONUS TOPIC: I also took my fiance's 15-year-old daughter driving for the first time in an abandoned Target parking lot. It was just as exciting as an amusement park ride. She did great, and it will be fun helping ...

She Said Yes

Today I talk about me popping the question last week to "The Nurse" and she made me very happy by saying yes. Today I talk about the absolute guys view to engagement ring shopping. There is a strange aerobic dance that women do when they put on a ring. She loves choices. I mean she LOOOOOVVVES choices, and I love that she loves choices. I am a very lucky man. We will be tying the knot on June 20, 2008. Yes I got on one knee. It was nothing too fancy (I had fancier ideas, but if I didn't give her...

Flight of Ideas Friday

This show originates from www.betterdave.com Words are fun. I want to know who gets to decide when a word is officially a word. I was at a Cleveland Indians game and the other team had a guy named Chone Figgins . (his full name is Desmond DeChone Figgins ). Why do we name the first poo of a baby meconium If it's that special why don't we put it in a jar and sell it? Look at meconium fix this broken coffee cup! Look it's strong enough to pull this 18 wheel truck! Likewise why do we need to name c...

When I Grow Up…

Normally I don't talk about things that involve other people, but this weekend I attended a great event. I went to a family reunion with the Nurse. I had a phenomenal time. First thing first this family takes the time once a year to get together and catch up. How cool is that? In a day when many people don't get along with their families, this one takes time to come from all over the place to get together. The nurses Mom has an awesome laugh, and she never stopped. It was great. I met an Uncle w...

He Was Here A Minute Ago

I lost my cousin Shawn Steinmetz this week. He was 33, and has two very young daughters. It was a freak bike accident. He was here a few weeks ago for my niece's graduation party, and now he's gone. I don't have all the details, and in reality, it doesn't matter. Hug your kids. Call your parents. Love the one your with. Speaking of Love... On the way to Podcamp Ohio the Nurse (my girlfriend) and I drove to Columbus and listened to a book (something like saving your marriage before it even starts...

Kids Are Like Electric Football

Today I introduce you to my new Great Nephew. He sure is little. It really drove home the point of how absolutely life-changing kids are. I can honestly say that at age 43 I'm glad I don't have this kind of responsibility that is soooo 24/7. I talk about how "The Countess" has made the "Show Choir." This scared me as if she had not made it, I would've been there for the meltdown, and I want the best for all of "The Nurses" kids (and I'm not sure I could take watching the meltdown from the front ...

Cereal Killer

Today's show has the F word it. You've been warned. This is one of the "weird" episodes where I just wonder why things go into my mind at certain times. I happened to notice that Apple Jacks has no mascot while most children's cereals have a mascot (Tony the Tiger, Lucky for Lucky Charms, The rabbit for Trix, Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo Berry, The Bee for Cheerios). It turns out there IS a mascot that was launched in 2005, but apparently, it never caught on. Does anyone remember Euell Gibbo...

Drive By Schooling

Today I talk about one of my life’s most embarrassing moments. I made a huge mistake, and I thought about not talking about it on the show. However, the “teacher” in me took over and I thought “If someone can learn from my mistake, it’s worth it.” All signs point to me not passing a class this semester. While I’ve always had good grades, this semester I’m not going to be able to come in at the last minute and save the day. While most politicians don’t understand the concept of accepting your res...

It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Today I tell the story of trying to help my niece as she is in labor. The bad news is Hospitals make me physically sick due to some psychological reason beyond my control. It is very strange as my new great nephew was born on the same day my Mother died 19 years ago (in the same hospital). It made for a day full of many emotions. I also speak about how I regret not asking my Mother to quit smoking more frequently. Quitting smoking is very hard to do. My ex-wife tried every method and the only th...

Hey It’s Your Birthday

I’ve noticed that when you go to just about ANY restaurant these days, if its someone’s birthday they bring the whole kitchen crew out to sing their “Hey It’s Your Birthday” song. I’ve also noticed that after about the 27th time of hearing this song the performance needs some tweaking. I think this whole thing was started by a mexican food chain called Chi Chi’s (which went out of business after giving many people food poisoning). THANKS CHI CHI’S! It may be a bit before my next episode. I’m beh...

Rubber Band Man

So my girlfriend and I listened to the book " Men are from Mars, women are from Venus in the car ride to Dayton Ohio where I was talking to the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. I learned some new stuff as did my girlfriend. Men are like rubber bands. They have an intimacy cycle, where they get close, and then snap away. When they stretch as far as they can they will then snap back. If a woman tries to stop them from "stretching" it causes problems. Women are like waves. They go up and down. If you...

Over the Top Cosmo

Today I talk about being in a house that is 75% percent women most of the time (and how it makes toilet paper and endangered species). Also, this week's Cosmopolitan magazine has a headline that says, "Be a genius in bed." (or something like that). I mean sex has been around for a while. Don't you think we've got a pretty good grip on it (no pun intended). Is there really anything 100% new? So I talk about some of the things I expect to see if and when I read a Cosmopolitan magazine....

Relationship2.0

So my trust went left of center this weekend as I let some small circumstances get the best of me and get “in my head” making me act like someone I don't want to be. I'm not very proud of myself. In the end, my “suspicious” attitude showed “The Nurse” how much I TRULY cared, and that made her happy (not a recommended practice). In the end we put all the cards on the table, and came back with “Relationship 2.0” Its stronger, faster, and built to last. Guys if you find yourself suspicious, its bes...

DRAMA STEW

Today we welcome a new listener - and then piss them off. Wonderful. This podcast is kind of "my diary." But not really the truth. You only get MY side of the story so you know there is another two-thirds of the story. So my last podcast where I got to be a "Dad" for a day. It was a joke. It was a strange moment, and a great memory as the "Countess" won her talent show. Well, double agent 0017 somehow accidentally played that episode for THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER. NICE. I understand her loyalty, but...

Dad For a Day

Today I talk about how “The Countess” and I performed in a talent show. It was amazing, and I am so proud of her. It was great to make a memory with such a great kid. Then I thought about it. As much as we know parents can influence their kids. Does that mean as adults we influence our parents? I mean who can drive you more nuts than your kids (or your parents). So as much as parent should take advantage of every minute they can spend with their children, are we doing the same thing when our par...

Congratulations it’s a Boy!

I went to a Casting Crowns show last night. It was amazing. I had never heard of them (I went to see the opening band), and they just blew me away. Check out their latest CD from iTunes and AMAZON.COM I've always thought about sponsoring a kid. In the end, I never did. Well, its time. Sure its not in the budget, but just like having an actual kid, are you ever financially ready for a kid? We get some feedback from some folks about quitting vs making wise decisions. I also talk about some recent ...

I'M NOT QUITTING!

I'm trying to learn new things as I try to "better" Dave. The one thing I think I stink at is quitting. I've been thinking about quitting things. You can only take so much right? I was watching the movie "Rocky Balboa" (not horrible). There was a great scene in the movie. In the movie, Rocky is talking to his son and says, "It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. It's about how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is ...