Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. At a recent Buddhist Boot Camp event, one of the fathers in the audience mentioned that his young kids need constant validation and approval from him and from others, but he wasn't sure where they had picked up that behavior pattern.
We discussed the parenting technique that we have all not only been subjected to, but still use to this day, which is to reward good behavior and punish the bad. It seems logical enough, except "good" and "bad" are subjective, but I'm not aware of too many alternatives. As a result of this, from a very early age, we strive to have our parents affirm that we are, in fact, "good," and we try to avoid being called "bad"
or getting yelled at. Now, that I'm saying this, it sounds very similar to training a dog. When you say, "You're a good boy." Or "Who's a good girl?" We, too, seek reward and praise. So, from a very early age, we look to get that validation from others, and that's how we create the first narrative about who we are.
Those of us who weren't told we were good, but are a constant disappointment to the family and would never amount to anything, often grow up believing exactly that until we change the narrative; usually after a few years of much-needed therapy.
For parents, this sounds like a "Damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation: if you keep praising your child, they are going to grow up constantly seeking praise from everyone around them, but if you point out all their flaws, they'll believe that's all
they are. There is probably a healthy balance of the two or perhaps an omission of both, but I personally know that after many years of relying on validation from other people in order to have a sense of self-worth, I now realize that essentially meant
I was in a co-dependent relationship with the entire world. Think about it: if how I feel or think about myself is contingent upon other people, then my sense of self-worth can either be shot or raised on a whim depending on who I'm around; it's exhausting. I often talk about the importance of living a congruent, life and this is no exception. I've learned that greed, hatred, and ignorance reside within each of us, as does the option to be selfless, kind, and compassionate.
So, now my sense of value is no longer anyone else's responsibility to maintain, it is up to me to live a congruent life; to strive to make sure that what I think, what I say, and what I do, are all in alignment. Living in harmony, as it turns out, is more reassuring and sustainable than constantly looking for compliments from others. Just look at your
own values and how you live your life. You will either affirm your sense of self-worth if your values and actions are in harmony, or you will immediately discover where you have some work to do. Try it for a month or two and maybe you'll save yourself a few years of anguish, a few years of disappointment. a few years of looking to other people to affirm that you are beautiful enough or smart enough or good enough.
Give yourself the gift of true happiness, which isn't contingent on outside validation, but on you and your own goodness within expressing itself outwardly. So, in order to validate your own sense of self-worth, to feel good, DO good. It's that simple! Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏