Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. When people are filled with fear and paranoia,
they often dump it on others without being asked. If I tell them I'm flying to Seattle, for example, they immediately feel the need to share crash statistics with me, recount a turbulent flight they've had, or casually plant the seed of doom by sharing a story with me about a flight they've missed because they didn't leave for the airport in time. Honestly, I didn't want that extra baggage. Some of the concerns that regularly occupy other people's thoughts don't even enter mine.
And while I intellectually understand these people mean well when they tell me to drive safe, for example, at no point was I planning not to. But if everything we watch on the news, read in the paper, or hear on the radio or from our own families is fear-based, then our lives are going to be filled with fear as well. We are what we eat, after all, and we eat with our eyes and our ears, too, not just our mouths. We're constantly consuming information that is detrimental
to our wellbeing. Air pollution is nothing compared to the pollution in our airwaves. But since I can't live in a bubble, I remind myself that just as a boat cannot sink unless water from the ocean gets into it, we can maintain a positive attitude if we don't let the negativity that surrounds us get inside. People's behavior is simply a reflection of how THEY view the world.
So if you're on the receiving end of unsolicited advice, remember that it has more to do with the person giving it than it has to do with you, so take it, but with a grain of salt because they may be mirroring something actually worthy of your attention after all. But you can reflect on it later when your defenses aren't on a high alert, and just fight the urge to argue with them or to try to control their behavior,
all you can control is your own, so do that. And if you're on the giving end of unsolicited advice, there are a few things you can do to stop. First, practice listening instead of waiting for your turn to speak. And when it IS your turn, ask more questions instead of giving answers. Questions like, Can you tell me more? Or, Is there anything I can do to help?
Many people don't know HOW to ask for help because they've never had to, everyone just keeps giving it to them whether they want it or not. By giving advice without being asked, we are robbing the person of the opportunity to grow vulnerable enough to ask for it, which takes a lot of courage and strength. There may come a time in their lives when they really need help but won't seek it because they don't know how. We are long overdue for a Tyler Durden reference,
there is a scene where the narrator's apartment blows up, so he meets up with Tyler for a drink. After a deep conversation about consumerism, the narrator says, "Thanks for the beer, man, I guess I should find a hotel." To which Tyler responds, "What?! A hotel? Just ask, man!" The narrator plays coy and says, "Well, what are you talking about?" To which Tyler responds, "Three pitchers of beer, man, and you still can't ask?"
"You called me because you need a place to stay. So cut the foreplay and just ask." The narrator says, "Would that be a problem?" And Tyler brilliantly responds, "Is it a problem for you to ask?" The narrator finally says the words, "Can I stay at your place?" And, Tyler, of course, says "Yeah." While this is not an example of unsolicited advice, per se, it's a perfect example of how difficult it is for someone to ask for help if they've never had to.
Like a friend going on and on about how much stuff they have to pack and move over the weekend, about how heavy the furniture is going to be, how many steps there are, or how difficult it would be to do it alone, but not once do they come out and just say, "Hey, can you help me move?" I'm with Tyler on this one: cut the foreplay and just ask. It gets easier with practice. So to maintain your inner peace, first abstain from taking unsolicited advice so personally.
Remember, it has more to do with the other person's fears and their need to try to control a situation or, worse yet, to be able to say, "I told you so" later on." But also avoid giving unsolicited advice for two reasons: one, nobody asked you, and two, by offering it without being asked, you are robbing the other person of the opportunity to practice asking for help. Don't shine your light just so people can see how bright you are.
Make them aware of the light that's been inside of them all along. The idea is not to have power over others, but to empower others. That's a true gift. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list.
We hope you have enjoyed this episode, and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼