Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. People regularly send me questions on how to apply some of the concepts presented in Buddhist Boot Camp in real life situations.
Most recently, a woman named Alison expressed concern about a scenario many of us have experienced since March: she's in a relationship where one of them takes the Covid-19 epidemic very seriously, uses extreme caution, social distancing, a face mask, and avoids indoor gatherings, while the other is... let's just say less observant of the safety guidelines
from the Center for Disease Control. Though her described scenario was very specific, the main question was how to have this conversation with her boyfriend so that they both feel heard, respected, and honored, without either of them going on an ego trip of superiority by talking the other person down. These challenges can be handled using tools that help us grow as individuals and also deepen various relationships with willing participants in our lives.
I talk a lot about vulnerability, transparency, and being really honest about what we are feeling, but today I want to talk about what's hiding behind those feelings. We already know that anger, for example, often masks our fear or pain, and if we're not comfortable being vulnerable enough to admit that we are hurt, for example, then we get mad instead of explaining that we are disappointed or deflated.
But even if we have gotten better at explaining our anger instead of expressing it, I want to briefly touch on the basic concept of Non-Violent Communication, and what it's all about. According to NVC, we each have a set of quote-unquote "Needs," and every feeling we experience either indicates that we have an unmet need or that our needs are being met.
In addition to our basic needs for physical well-being, like sleep, water, food, broadly speaking, NVC lists additional possible needs an individual may have: a need for connection, for example, acceptance, affection, appreciation, consideration, and inclusion, a need for clarity, a sense of meaning or purpose, contribution, stimulation, or a need for autonomy in the form of being given a choice, freedom, independence, and space... the list goes on and on.
When someone feels jealous, for example, it's possible that what's really going on is they have an unmet need for security, safety, or honesty. NVC invites us to explain our unmet needs instead of expressing the jealousy. The other day, my friend asked me how I was feeling, and I said, "I feel good."
To which she replied, "'Good' is not a feeling, Timber, can you tell me more?" So I looked at the list of feelings, and I was able to pinpoint the reason I was feeling good was because I felt accomplished, relieved, calm, centered, and grateful.
my needs for purpose, information, rest, clarity, and acknowledgment were all met. Ergo, "I felt good." It not only helped me better communicate with her what was going on with me, it also helped me better understand what I appreciated about the day I had. Like I said earlier, this is a tool for deeper connection to ourselves and to others. When we feel joyous, for example, it could very well be because our needs for connection and play are being met.
While frustration may simply express our unmet need for clarity. Since you can't see me while I'm recording this, let me just tell you that I keep putting the word "need" in air quotes for a couple of reasons: one, I'm not entirely convinced that what NVC refers to as "needs" are not actually preferences that we have simply convinced ourselves are needs, thereby creating a void that we then try to fill.
And two, no two people have the same "needs," so it's difficult for me to make a blanket statement claiming some list of needs is universal. If I was to personally rewrite this age-old practice, I would say that every feeling expresses an unmet preference, not a need.
That feels way more honest and empowering to me because it puts the responsibility back on me rather than on others, and yet it still honors that we all have different preferences, and it's important that we know what they are and communicate them accordingly. Having said that, what I DO like about NVC is that it never assumes to know what someone else's needs or preferences may or may not be. NVC practitioners ASK, they don't presume.
It's basically a guessing game that we can play with ourselves or with others; is my friend hurt because her personal need for recognition wasn't met? Do I feel engaged because my so-called need for intrigue is being stimulated? The difference between a feeling and an emotion is that a feeling lasts a few seconds, and then we move on to the next feeling.
Whereas an emotion occurs when we get stuck in a feeling and create a narrative around it, which is how an emotion can last decades based on something that we briefly felt many years ago. If a feeling is, in fact, indicative of an unmet need or a preference, then understanding what that unmet need is could, once and for all, finally stop a gnawing feeling of unworthiness, stuckness, boredom, perpetual anger, and so on.
The experience Alison described in the beginning of this episode, remember Alison? The one in the relationship with someone on the opposite side of the coronavirus narrative.
Her situation is a great opportunity to express her personal unmet need to her boyfriend and his to hers; and for him to better understand that she wasn't angry or upset with him, necessarily, she just wasn't having her needs met, and they both missed an opportunity to have a conversation that brings them closer together rather than farther apart. When we get better at explaining ourselves rather than expressing ourselves, others will better understand us.
But if we keep expecting others to simply "know what we mean," then the misunderstandings, assumptions, challenges, and fingerpointing will continue in a vicious cycle of the shame and blame game.
Now, I'm not going to list every feeling from the NVC materials or all the possible needs behind them, you can probably Google it, but imagine what would happen if instead of saying someone else's action is the cause for your feelings, you acknowledge and explain that a personal need of yours wasn't met. The other person may have no idea, especially if a strong need of yours isn't even on their radar.
When it comes to relationships, this can beautifully work side by side with understanding people's individual love language, be it physical contact, words of affirmation, acts of service, gift-giving, or quality time together. In order for relationships to flourish, we basically need to learn multiple languages so we can better explain ourselves in a way that our partners can understand us. Or as my friend says, "It helps if we become emotionally literate." I like that.
A relationship would evolve from one person saying, "I feel annoyed "because YOU didn't clean up," for example, to saying "I feel annoyed because I need extra support right now." They can then follow it up with making a request instead of a demand, which is generally better received.
So, to answer your question Alison, you could have a conversation with your boyfriend about the coronavirus by explaining what your personal needs are, and what happens to you internally when those needs aren't being met. He loves you and surely wants to do everything he can to ensure your safety, security, and peace of mind.
A relationship is all about people relating to one another. If he can't relate to your need, or if you assume that he has the same, then disappointment and arguments will continue to occur without resolution.
Until now, I've simply said Explain your anger, don't express it. Let's take it a step further and explain the unmet preference behind our anger, and see how making a request for empathy brings you closer together with loving-kindness, understanding, and compassion, fueling the relationship. Call me a hopeful romantic, but I truly believe people generally want to enrich each others' lives, they just don't always know how.
So, let's be proactive in helping them understand us by better understanding and explaining ourselves. Good Luck! Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list.
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