Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. I had a realization recently that I was reluctant to talk to my friends about, let alone share it online, but I've learned a long time ago that many of us share a common story, which means nothing I experience is unique to me, to any of us, so why keep it to myself?
After all, I tell you everything about me, from the vulnerable and embarrassing to the uplifting and insightful, so I'm going on record here because this recent revelation might shed some light on on your own journey as well. For as long as I can remember, I've been avoiding being around children, hanging out with friends when their kids are present, and even regularly saying, "I hate children!" And "hate" is a strong word that I typically only use when talking about bean sprouts.
The hatred felt justified when I thought it was because kids tend to be loud and I am sensitive to noise, but that wasn't the only reason for my aversion. I mean, nobody likes a screaming child on an airplane or in a restaurant, but you can't blame a kid for being a kid. Heck, from the stories I've heard, I, myself, was a baby from hell, constantly screaming and throwing tantrums.
But my resistance to being around children was extreme and only intensifying over the years, until I recently spent some time with a few kids ranging in age from five to twelve, and although they were very loud, I was fine. We joked around, played games, ran around to the point of exhaustion... I barely recognized myself. That was until the parents showed up and within seconds, the parents started telling the kids what they can and cannot do,
how to behave... Stop doing that! Quiet down! Don't take that tone with me! Criticizing them, punishing, and bargaining. I immediately felt uncomfortable, removed myself from the situation, and wondered if perhaps the problem isn't children after all, maybe it's being around parents that I hate? But, why? I constantly talk about maintaining inner peace regardless of what's going on around us, so what is this specific and persistent aversion all about?
I gave myself a "time-out" to trace back the events of the day step by step, and finally... at 44 years old, I just realized that I don't hate children and I don't hate their parents, I hate my childhood. THAT'S what I've been avoiding all these years. Staying away from children was simply a trauma response, not a solution. It was a way to avoid any and all triggers of my own experience buried deep inside so I don't have to look at it, but in there just the same.
It's true what A Course In Miracles states: I am never upset for the reason I think. That is to say nothing in the external world causes our fear, guilt, shame, or hurt... it's all internal. This realization liberates us from being a victim and empowers us to claim responsibility for our state of mind. This felt like a profound turning point, much like the phobia I overcame and talked about in Buddhist Boot Camp, in the chapter entitled "Rewriting the Stories We Tell Ourselves."
And this story about hating children or their parents is long overdue for a rewrite. I am grateful to have had this experience even though it was painful to re-live the condemnation, the harsh discipline, the fear of a raised hand in violence, yelling, punishing, and constant disapproval. We talk so much about letting go. I wonder how much more is buried behind layers of pain, but I am no longer afraid to grow.
We are never upset for the reason we think. The upsetting situation is a gift, inviting us to reevaluate our existing, limiting, and narrow points of view that are working against us. It's unfortunate that sometimes pain is our greatest teacher. But if that's what it takes, bring it on! At the end of the day, I am more afraid of staying the same than I am of changing.
And when I shared this revelation online, hundreds of people said this was an "A-ha Moment" for them as well, having said they hate children for years, but really, it's their own rough childhood they want to avoid revisiting. But even if this isn't relevant to you, even if this is not your story, it might still help explain other people's aversion or your own of something else. Either way, I wish you growth, insight, and relief from suffering. Namaste.
Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼