Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. One of my friends recently attended a family reunion, which in previous years has always been a joyous opportunity to get together with multiple generations of relatives, their spouses, children, and even pets.
Due to COVID, however, the reunion was postponed for two years in a row, during which my friend was diagnosed with cancer, fought it, and successfully beat it. Nobody expected him to live long enough to make it to the party this year, let alone to be cancer-free by this point. Many people at the reunion were still grieving other family members who did not win their battle with cancer, so my friend suddenly felt his presence was an inconsiderate form of bragging, or showing off his survival.
What he was experiencing was a form of Survivor's Guilt, a side effect for which no doctor had prepared him. Weighed down by heavy feelings of unworthiness to be alive, let's lone dancing at this party, he went home to call friends he knew were happy that he was still alive. The people at the reunion didn't wish he was dead, it just didn't feel fair that he had survived. There is a difference.
Thanks to therapy, he now sees the irrationality of Survivor's Guilt, which in and of itself doesn't make it disappear, but much like grief has been described as a large hole in the ground that we keep falling into, while mindfulness doesn't make the hole in the ground go away, it does teach us to acknowledge, but walk around it. My conversations with him about Survivor's Guilt uncovered an old memory that I haven't
recalled since the 90s. I was living in San Francisco at the time, and most of my friends were members of an online community called SFNET. This was before the Internet as we know it today was born. Computers didn't have Windows or a mouse, so "Online" meant people from around the Bay logged into a text-based portal to speak to one another in code, and to plan what we called Net-Gets around the city, such as bonfires on the beach, parties, and get-togethers.
This was around the time people of all ages were dying from AIDS before any of us understood how or why. In fact, the pandemic was so new that the survival rate of anyone with HIV, let alone AIDS, was very low. I remember going to less bonfires and more of what we called Death Parties thrown by those infected with the virus, where everyone in attendance knew that after a wonderful night of being surrounded by loved ones, the host would take their own life the following morning.
These parties became quite frequent until additional information about the disease was discovered, and people who got infected started surviving. Many of the survivors, as well as those of us who never got infected in the first place, started experiencing Survivor's Guilt, ultimately rooted in feeling as if we somehow don't deserve to still be alive.
Survivor's Guilt was originally coined for the few who lived through the Holocaust to talk about it, and soldiers who returned from war without the many friends they've lost on the battlefield, people who somehow survive plane crashes, terrorist attacks, and natural disasters when others don't, and the many who beat a disease from which countless patients have died, all wonder, Why not me?
Sometimes it takes the form of a gnawing feeling that more could have been done to save others, or in the case of car crash survivors, especially if they were the ones who caused the accident, it's even worse. When one person dies to save another, the one who survives may be riddled by guilt for the rest of their lives. Survivor's Guilt is a heavy weight that can quickly present itself as PTSD, anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts.
Survivors understand first-hand that they are fortunate, lucky, privileged, or all of the above and they can feel a sudden and overwhelming pressure to do something about it. The war in Ukraine right now is causing people all over the world to question how they can go on about their lives, laughing and singing, even worrying about anything that seems inconsequential compared to those who have lost their home, families, and friends in the war.
After the millions of people we've lost to COVID, the countless others we've lost to terrorist attacks, and the inevitability of losing more to natural disasters, Buddhism argues we must not lose our will to live. Buddhist teachings highlight the very rarity of our existence, because even though it wasn't our choice, the simple fact that we are alive is a miraculous story of survival.
Rather than feeling unworthy, this awareness ignites a sense of gratitude and purpose, replacing Survivor's Guilt with self-love and acceptance. The way to uphold the sacredness of those who have passed away is to live in their honor by recognizing our own worth and value. I have never met a strong person with an easy past, and it's often those who have suffered the most who aspire to do something incredibly significant to impact others with their lives.
Attempting to figure out why my friend beat cancer when others often don't, or why I survived when so many of my friends did not, is like trying to answer the secrets of the universe. Instead of attempting to unlock the mystery, if we view life as a gift, the only aligned response is to live with appreciation for the present.
The Buddha is said to have taught that only three things matter in the end: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. Survivor's Guilt is not your weight to carry. If we are here to reduce suffering in the world, let's start by minimizing our own. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼