Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. Once a month, I host a live online video Q&A, during which people from all over the world can tune-in and ask questions or spark a discussion about ways to implement some of the concepts from Buddhist Boot Camp or Faithfully Religionless into their daily lives.
To find out when the next live Q&A will be, simply subscribe to the monthly email list at BuddhistBootCamp.com, and you'll get just one email from me each month with upcoming event information, updates, and as always, some food-for-thought. Even though we experienced some technical difficulties and delays during this month's live stream, I wanted to share a couple of the questions and answers with you just the same.
The first question came from Anne Marie, who is still trying to navigate a relationship with her father, in an effort to minimize or eliminate toxicity in her life, while still being respectful of the fact that he's her father. She's in her early 50s, and he has
a long history of abusive, manipulative, and controlling behavior. While she feels fortunate enough to live 3,000 miles away from him, as he ages, she's starting to feel like she should reach out more, knowing full well that the word "should" is very guilt- and shame-ridden. She's naturally reluctant to let him back in her life because he is so destructive, so she asked if I could shed some perspective on how to handle toxic family members. A quote by Alan Watts is the first thing that came
to mind. He said: Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone. Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone. If we picture our life like a glass of water with some dirt on the bottom, the best way to keep our water clear is by not stirring old dirt into our daily lives. Here's another way to look at it: sometimes doctors choose to leave shrapnel inside wounded soldiers because taking it out would cause more damage than leaving it in.
My mother and I will probably never speak again, for example, and since I'm perfectly okay with that, there is no problem. If I wasn't okay with it, I'd be creating a problem. As you can see, the problem isn't created nor resolved by the two of us reconnecting or never speaking again. I truly believe trying to talk would be the equivalent of
attempting to remove shrapnel that is best left alone. The real problem isn't Anne Marie's dad, it's her sense of obligation and all of that unresolved guilt. Even once she sorts through that, she'd still need to decide whether her dad is too toxic or if she's too sensitive for his toxicity. There is no wrong answer here, just a choice
and a subsequent consequence. The second question came from Hannah, who said she is truly horrified to admit that she is sabotaging her own marriage and personal happiness. "Everywhere I go," she said "I seem to have a hard time getting a positive response "from people. My husband would go to the ends of the world for me. I ask him to "engage me more, but even when he does, I don't appreciate it and then I knit-pick "something else. I just can't seem to be around anyone without causing a scene.
"I seem to have a huge sense of self-importance, confusingly coupled with a lack "of self-esteem. My main question to you is how do I make myself feel unbroken "when I'm addicted to the high of people fussing over me and loving me. Even asking "you this question feels very fussy. I feel this is part of the 'Look at me Timber, "'pay attention.' But I need to break the cycle and I'm desperate." Well, Hannah, there are two ways to feel of-value and increase our sense of self-worth.
The first way is what you're doing: is to have people worship us, give us attention, be addicted to us, hooked on us, love and fuss over us. The ego translates it as us having value, and then it wants more, more, and even more. The problem with that
is our sense of worth is then contingent upon other people. The moment they stop fussing over us, is the moment our self-worth plummets, and we do something else to get attention, even bad attention; the ego doesn't care as long as it is being talked about. The second way to feel of-value is to do things for others, try to make their life easier by helping in ways they appreciate, caring for them, assisting in any way we can
to alleviate their suffering. Be it carrying groceries for an old lady in the parking lot, or cooking for your spouse. We then feel a sense of worth or value because we are valuable to others. Our presence is meaningful in their lives. We can even do good deeds in secret, nobody needs to know that we cleaned up the beach, but we feel good, of-value, because we did. Notice I said helping others in ways THEY appreciate.
Do not help someone by doing something YOU think they need or would be helpful, then it's still all about you. Be vulnerable enough to ask them: "HOW can I help?" You will often be surprised by what it is they really need. As Archbishop Desmond Tutu says, "The greatest joy in life is when we seek to do good for others." Get your questions ready for the October live video Q&A, and I look forward to our discussion then.
In the meantime, I'll record more podcast episodes, all possible without commercials for insurance companies, thanks to the support of listeners just like you who donate as little as a dollar per month through patreon.com/BuddhistBootCamp to make this possible. Without you, there would be no us. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless, and Buddhist Boot Camp.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏