Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. So many people are jumping down each other's throats lately because of differing opinions about Covid-19, the economy, the upcoming election, and so on, so I figured it timely for us to talk about the difference between having an argument with someone and having a discussion.
On the first day of each month, I post a blog entry with some food-for-thought on the Buddhist Boot Camp website, and also send it over email, which I typically get to read out loud and share in-person with our monthly Buddhist Boot Camp Discussion Circles throughout California.
But, since all large gatherings have been postponed until we can all safely leave the house, I tried yesterday to share this month's blog over a YouTube live stream video with an open floor for Q&A, but we experienced a number of technical glitches so I'm not sure I would do that again.
Perhaps it would work better if questions are submitted through Buddhist Boot Camp's Patreon page in writing ahead of time, and I will answer them publicly in a podcast episode for everyone to hear without having to listen to me on the live broadcast repeatedly asking, "Can you hear me now? "Can you see me? Is this working?" And I wouldn't have to scroll through a bunch of comments just to find the questions.
Now, back to the difference between an argument and a discussion: in a nutshell, when you argue with someone, you're trying to find out WHO is right. But in a discussion, both parties are trying to find out WHAT is right. So, next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone, ask yourself what's more important to you: to change what they believe, or to gain a better understanding of how they have arrived at their opinion?
I didn't include this next bit in my monthly email, but this is literally what triggered this month's topic: I used to have a co-worker with a knack for nicknaming all of our office mates based on their special skills. Our marketing director, who could sell you anything you didn't even know you needed, was called Costco, and our receptionist was named the Director of First Impressions.
And because I can load a dishwasher like it's nobody's business and get a lot done in a short period of time, she dubbed me "The Efficiency Expert," a title I've been wearing with much pride ever since. Well, the other morning, I was peeling beets in the kitchen sink, and after each beet was peeled, I would walk it over to the cutting board on the counter, and then I would walk back to the sink to peel the next one.
This went on about seven or eight times, and it occurred to me that if anyone were to watch me do this little dance, it wouldn't seem very efficient to them at all. The piece of information they wouldn't necessarily have is that my priority was to use as few dishes as possible, while avoiding dripping beet juice on any surface other than the kitchen sink or the cutting board, in which I was actually both efficient
and successful. I wasn't trying to minimize the number of times I walk back and forth from the sink to the cutting board. My friend Julie and her husband argue about the quote-unquote "Right way to do laundry." He loads the washing machine with all the dirty clothes, he adds a cup of detergent on top, turns on the machine, and walks away. His priority is to get it done as quickly as possible, and move on with his day.
Julie, on the other hand, is a firm believer in starting the water flow, pouring the soap into the washing machine, and then adding the dirty clothes to the mix. They both want the same end result: clean clothes, but they go about it differently because their priorities are different. His is perhaps minimal effort, and Julie's priority is to make sure the soap
fully dissolves in the water before adding the clothes. It reminds me of working in the kitchen at the monastery, where I remember two members of the kitchen staff were asked to peel and cut ten pounds of carrots into small matchstick-size strips. It took them about four hours, which drove the efficiency expert in me crazy.
"Why not use the food processor?" I asked the head of the kitchen, "They would be done in ten minutes!" And he told me the goal wasn't to get the job done as quickly as possible, it was to offer the students four hours of mindfulness practice in the kitchen. You see, what I failed to do was contemplate the WHY behind his instructions.
The food processor would have definitely chopped those carrots in minutes, that's true, but the kitchen manager prioritized a meditative practice over efficiency and expediency, and this was a Buddhist monastery, so go figure! Why do we always assume we know what's best? I put my tail between my legs and took myself to the meditation hall, and I sat down with my ego until it agreed to play nice.
Man, we sure do excel at judging what people do and how they do it, but we fail miserably at trying to understand the WHY behind their actions. When we share a similar goal with someone, but their priorities differ from our own, their actions seem backward to us, counterintuitive, silly, and even wrong.
Take my friend Sheila and her wife, for example, they both want to quote-unquote, "Make America great," but Sheila thinks we will get there by closing the borders to all foreigners, while her wife believes immigrants make America great in the first place.
And right now, there are people who strongly believe the temporary financial burden on small businesses and individuals is worth everyone staying quarantined at home until there's a treatment for Covid-19, but there are also many who think the damage to the economy, coupled with the health scare, is an unnecessary double whammy, so they want the shelter-in-place order lifted,
so we can all return to quote-unquote "Normal." We each want what we think is best, but what we think is best is determined by our priorities. The question we need to ask ourselves is: what is the WHY behind people's actions? Otherwise, we just go through life assuming our perspective is not only right, but superior. I mean, think about it: if you keep getting irritated by someone who refuses to change, doesn't that mean you also refuse to change?
I think Saint Francis of Assisi knew the importance of seeking to understand rather than to be understood. And since we cannot wrap our heads around other people's logic by using our own, let's not criticize what we don't even try to understand, because once we get it, there is nothing left to criticize. Go ahead and contemplate the WHY behind your actions, and you might find you have that in common with everyone around you.
All technical difficulties and challenges aside from the live broadcast, there was a wonderful point brought up in the live discussion that we had about this topic yesterday. It was by a listener who said that whenever she's in a disagreement with her husband and emotions escalate into what would turn into a full-blown fight,
they remind one another that they are on the same team. This essentially neutralizes the ego and accomplishes exactly what we were discussing: two people trying to figure out WHAT is right, not WHO is right. Inner peace is truly the first step we can take to live in peace with others; so let's take that first step together. Thank you for walking beside me on this journey, even when we don't see eye-to-eye; I appreciate you.
Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼