Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. Most of the questions I receive in the mail these days are from people who have a difficult time setting boundaries. In Buddhist Boot Camp, I mention that while Buddhism certainly encourages us to be tolerant and accepting, tolerance does not mean accepting what is harmful.
In sports terms, what we designate as "harmful" is considered "out of bounds," and everything else is fair play. Unfortunately, many readers are still unsure where to draw the line. Whether we do it intentionally or not, we regularly enter into agreements with everyone in our lives. We decide what's acceptable, what isn't, and what's open for discussion. The boundaries we set become the rules of the game by which we play.
I'm not sure if the laws have changed since I was a paralegal in the 90s, but if you were a landlord back then with a tenant who signed a rental agreement to pay you $1,000 a month, for example, but then you accepted a check from them for only $500 because they couldn't come up with the full amount one month, the law said that you cashing their check effectively voided the written contract and entered you into a new verbal agreement in which the new rent is suddenly only $500.
And then, when the landlords tried to take their tenants to court for back pay, the judge always said, "If anything less than a thousand was unacceptable, "why did you accept $500?"
what you allow is what will continue. You teach people how to treat you when you accept a certain behavior. The first problem presents itself when people think setting boundaries means controlling someone else's behavior, but the rules are your own to designate and yours to honor. When I set personal boundaries, for example, I do it to control my own well-being by limiting my exposure to what I consider harmful. My root motivation is self-love and preservation, not control or manipulation.
If I choose not to be around smoke or alcohol, for example, I'm not telling other people what to do, I'm choosing what I want to be around. One person may be perfectly happily married to someone who drinks a glass of wine with their dinner every night, but I wouldn't even go on a single date with a drinker; that is my personal boundary based on what I consider harmful. And that's the second problem we come across: people's definition of "harmful" tends to oscillate between extremes.
On the one hand, some people consider anything that is mildly annoying or slightly uncomfortable as "harmful," and that just makes them intolerant of almost everyone and everything. And if that sounds like you, please consider the possibility that the problem isn't other people, but rather your short fuse. Yet on the other extreme, some don't think anything short of physical abuse is harmful. Never assume that any two people have the same threshold for what's "off-limits."
We decide and convey what's acceptable when we choose to accept it. When it comes to setting boundaries, it's important to think about what it is our boundaries are designed to protect. So imagine there are two beings or entities inside of you: there's the ego within, and there's divinity within. Our precious little egos demand respect from others and thrive on other people's approval, while the divine already has plenty of self-respect that doesn't rely on anyone
or anything external. When we have self-love, nothing can harm us and there's nothing we need to safeguard. So, the next time you feel defensive, ask yourself, "What am I protecting... "morality or my littel ego?" In the smallest nutshell possible, confronting people who upset us instead of confronting our egos, is like blaming the rain for soaking us instead of using an umbrella.
When talking about boundaries, think of them as agreements or contracts that you impose upon yourself, not restrictions you put on others. Keep in mind, however, that if you don't communicate your personal boundaries with people, and then they cross a line, it's not their fault for not knowing where you draw the line. Can you imagine a rental agreement without a set payment amount? Or any sport without a designated field? Boundaries are essential.
Ultimately, what we put up with is what we end up with. And I'm not victim-blaming, I'm intent on all of us acknowledging our self-worth as well as the value of our time, energy, inner peace, and safe space. Define your boundaries and stick to them with conviction; we're talking about your divinity here, after all. Don't ignore it. If the rent is a thousand a month and you accept less, you're effectively saying that less is acceptable.
But let's step away from the metaphor for a minute, okay? If you actually are a landlord and your tenant is one of the millions who have lost their jobs due to the pandemic, if it won't cause you any harm to reduce their rent for a while, then by all means, treat them the way you would like to be treated if you were in their shoes. We are Soldiers of Peace in the Army of Love. Our mission is to reduce suffering in the world whenever and however we can.
So, yes, we are taught to be tolerant and accepting, but remember: tolerance does not mean accepting what is harmful. Define what harmful means to you, and you will be one step closer to setting healthy boundaries.
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Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, Watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode, and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼