Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. This is a recording of another talk I gave at a local congregation, which means it perhaps inevitably includes references to God. If that makes you uncomfortable, simply substitute it with the term of your choice, be it Spirit, Energy, Universe, and so on.
The talk was about Unconditional Love, and there is an old song by Clay Davidson called Unconditional, that's been stuck in my head all morning, even though I haven't heard it in years, and it's the only song I've ever heard by him. Now, don't worry... I'm not going to sing it, but I am going to share the lyrics with you. In the first part of the song, he comes home drunk while still living with his parents.
And the second part is about his wife later in life. Here we go: Daddy waited up in the kitchen by himself, and I came stumbling in that night with liquor on my breath.
Son, I know you live here, but this is still my home. It's my way or the highway.
Alright, I'm gone. And before I slammed the door, I said: I hate you. But he just shook his head and said: Okay, but you can't stop my love for you. It will be here, that's a given. As long as I am living on this earth, one thing is true: you can turn away, forget me, curse my name, but love won't let me let you go. Son, always know: my love is unconditional. Well, life is like a circle slowly turning on itself, and it took losing you to finally know
how daddy felt. We stood in this bedroom, a year ago today, hanging on to pride and anger as we threw our love away. And before you slammed that door, you said: I hate you. But tonight, if only you could hear me say that you can't stop my love for you. It will be here, that's a given. As long as I am living on this earth, one thing is true: you can turn away, forget me, curse my name, but love won't let me let you go.
my love is unconditional. I wonder if saying Unconditional Love is redundant. I mean, if love has conditions, is it really love at all? I'm not talking about relationships; my love for someone can be unconditional, but keeping them in my life can most certainly have conditions. I cry when I hear that song because I think unconditional love is what I've always wanted and, dare I say, what we all search for.
The problem is, when I say the word Love, each of us has a different idea of what it means and how we understand love, let alone express it. There are five love languages, and I quickly looked them up in the middle of my talk to make sure I get them right.
Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, and Physical Touch. The Five Love Languages are typically touted as the love language we understand, which means people with Words of Affirmation as a love language, need to constantly hear "I love you," for example, receive verbal acknowledgements, compliments, words of appreciation and affection, verbal encouragement, and even frequent digital communication like texting and social media engagement in the form of
getting "likes" and a "thumbs up." Quality Time is another love language, where people feel most adored when someone wants to spend time with them. They appreciate eye contact, active listening, and whenever people make time for them. My primary love language is Acts of Service, where I value someone going out of their way to make my life easier. Acts of Service can include anything from someone making you food, or holding the door open for you.
I've never felt less important than when I was carrying multiple heavy grocery bags in both hands and trying to unlock the front door at the same time, while my friend was standing next to me, texting, waiting to get inside. I remember being furious, but it taught me that what I need to do is explain my frustration, not express it. And instead, communicate my unmet need in that moment, rather than lash out, which would only increase the space between us.
Gifts are another love language, which is pretty straightforward, though it's not necessarily about a present's monetary value in the form of diamond earrings, for example, but the symbolic thought behind the gift, be it a drawing that your kid made for you, or a very personal present that took a lot of time or consideration. In many ways, this is the opposite of my love language, probably because I'm a minimalist and I just don't want STUFF.
And finally, there is Physical Touch, where people feel loved when they receive physical affection, including hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, or physical intimacy that holds a powerful emotional connection for people. Again, not me. The pandemic's six-feet-of-distance-between-us isn't far enough.
After years of celibacy, and even abstaining from anything more intimate than handshakes, I've learned how to be intimate without physical contact through vulnerability and transparency, for example, active listening, and so on. Again, although the five love languages are typically touted as the love language we understand, I think it's also how we communicate or express our love for others.
I was traveling the country, giving talks at various bookstores, churches, yoga studios, universities, corporations, and schools, of course, in-person before the pandemic, not over Zoom, and I recall a sweet, little, old lady who came up to me after one of my talks
Can I give you a hug? To which I said: No, because I still wasn't hugging at the time. That's when my friend asked me: When you say No, who are you serving? And that hit me right between the eyes; she was totally right: I was so insistent on love being expressed the way I wanted it, I downright rejected anything else. We all have more than one love language, but we definitely tend to prioritize one form of
expression over another. If we are emotionally intelligent enough, we adjust our love expression depending on the person. Nowadays, I mostly love through food. And since most people love food, that Act of Service is generally a widely-accepted love
language. However, I had a friend once whose mother was never emotionally present when she was growing up, and in lieu of Quality Time together, which was my friend's love language, her mom just showered her with food, which turned into an eating disorder later on, and that's a whole other story.
this friend visited me for a week a while back, and I kept offering her food until she practically yelled at me: STOP LOVING ME THROUGH FOOD. The good part was that she recognized what I was doing as love, so she wasn't doubting it, but she invited me to expand my vocabulary, so to speak, and learn new love languages. Well, since I'm speaking with a fellowship of sorts today, a congregation, I can't help but tie this into God's Love.
It's what I imagine when I think about unconditional love from that song, where we can curse God's name and even walk away from God, but God's love for us doesn't diminish in any way. We are no less lovable or worthy of love, despite what we think of ourselves.
it's not for us to decide. I posted a picture of myself online the other day, holding up a sign that read: MY GOD LOVES EVERYBODY. The intention was to get people to wonder if their God doesn't love everybody, then is it possible there's more than one God? And if so, why is their God so judgmental? All that aside, what about how WE love God? How do WE express that love?
For so many years, I judged people who only loved God through Words of Affirmation, praise and prayer, yet offering no Acts of Service, which is my primary love language, making Words of Affirmation meaningless. But I realized recently this isn't about me or my love language, it's about God.
And if God's love for us is unconditional, whether we express our love through praise or through offerings, through service or by physically going to church, be it in a building or nature, it's all love IN-DEED, not just in theory. Either way, it is never my place to judge somebody else's love for God or how they choose to express it. I think it's my job, our job, to love one another the way God loves us: unconditionally.
Imagine going through life where we don't strictly say Namaste to people with whom we agree or like, but we say it while thinking: you can turn away and forget me, curse my name, but love won't let me let you go; my love is unconditional. Selfless. That's my invitation for you today: Figure out what your love language is. How do you express it, and how do you understand it?
Then, you can start seeing acts of love all around you, and maybe even make every one of your own actions an act of love IN-DEED. Love yourself, love God, and love one another. You can schedule private, one-on-one Zoom sessions with me through BuddhistBootCamp.com to discuss the topic of your choice, from ways of mindfully living with intention and congruence, to being at peace with the world, both within and around us. BuddhistBootCamp.com is where you can also show spontaneous support.
I look forward to seeing you soon. Namaste. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp. For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode, and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions.
Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏