Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. I am in Georgia this weekend to officiate a wedding, so it feels appropriate to record an episode discussing what a healthy relationship looks like. As is often the case, we can more easily figure out what it DOESN'T look like,
and then aim for the opposite. The problem with most relationships is that when we enter into them, we each bring a blueprint of what we think it "should" look like, instead of co-creating an ideal that works best for that individual relationship. Where does it say that a couple has to go to bed together at the same time, for example? Share a bank account, or have children? We must question where those ideas come from, and whether they even apply to us?
Most arguments stem from unexpressed expectations that go unsatisfied because of it. In a healthy relationship, it's imperative, above all, to be supportive of one another. Relationships are often misunderstood to be a simple commitment between two people; a dedication to each other with a sense of "belonging" to one another. You don't have to go very far to find people referring to one another as "MY spouse,"
"MY girlfriend..." There's a sense of "belonging" to one another, and that kind of limited perspective breeds expectations, possessiveness, and disappointment. It reeks of ownership, greed, ignorance, and selfish desire. A healthy relationship, on the other hand, is an agreement between two people to support one another in their spiritual practice. It is a vow to encourage each other's dedication, devotion, and path. It is free from attachment or expectations, yet full of caring and compassion.
A healthy relationship is based on unconditional love, not on the need to possess And although you put plenty of heart into it, you lose nothing by giving love away. If each person is equally dedicated to inspire, create, awaken, and enrich the lives of others, then there is no hidden agenda. It is far less important what one receives from the other, as what one can give. This is true of friendships, as well, and relationships with parents and children,
not just romantic relationships. And when it comes to intimacy, it suddenly surpasses warmth and tenderness, and includes patience, vulnerability, honesty, active listening, understanding, connection, and unwavering trust. There is a healing power inherent in this kind of union, and it is capable of enabling deep transformation for both people.
It is an incredible opportunity to actually practice what we learn: from Non-Violent Communication, to meditation, listening, authenticity, resolve, radical honesty, appreciation, purpose, equality, celebration, and mutuality. Healthy relationships are a collaboration of sorts: two peaceful warriors, spiritually supporting one another on their individual journeys to spread positivity and light.
In the Zen tradition, it is actually common for Zen priests to be married and even have children, and I remember asking my teachers if the Zen practice, if Buddhist practice, is about simplifying and letting go, and non-attachment, then why marry? Why have children? And it's because there are lessons we can't learn when we're not in a relationship. There are lessons that are only available to us when we live with a mirror, so to speak.
When someone challenges us to grow, when someone inspires us to be the best version of ourselves there is. When I heard about an old man who introduced the woman he was with as the woman who walks beside him, I finally understood that beautiful quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. He wrote, "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Relationships are a form of nourishment. So, for the couple getting married this weekend, and for all of us in multiple relationships, may we grow because of each relationship in our lives. And may each person who is in our life, grow because of us. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our montly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏