Welcome to the Buddhist Boot Camp Podcast. Our intention is to awaken, enlighten, enrich, and inspire a simple and uncomplicated life. Discover the benefits of mindful living with your host, Timber Hawkeye. I have made plenty of bad decisions in my life. A few judgment calls were damaging to my own well-being, and many unwise choices ended up unintentionally
hurting others in some way. I've never had a problem apologizing to people for my wrongdoings, and promising to be more mindful in the future to never repeat that same action or inaction again. But, when a decision I make ends up hurting only me, the conversation in my own head is not so civil. It, unfortunately, goes something
You're such an idiot, how could you be so stupid? What a loser! Okay, calm down, you will do better next time. No, you won't... that's what you said last time. Come on, man, if this was a friend of yours, you would tell them to relax. Yeah, but this isn't a friend, it's me, and I know better. Gosh! You're such an idiot. Repeat all of the above sayings on a loop and you'll get an idea of what's going on in my head. Every time I made a mistake, that voice would bully me into admission
that I'm the worst human being on the planet. As if the damage from the mistake itself wasn't bad enough, I would make it worse by beating myself up about it. This continued for years, until one day, I realized that among the many bad decisions I've made in my life, never forgiving myself was by far the worst. It's actually the one mistake from which I apparently wasn't learning, proven by the fact that I was making it over and over again; there was no forward progress.
I was stuck, and that's because not forgiving is a form of self-imprisonment. Let's look at the entire concept of forgiveness and what it needs in order for it to even exist in our social construct. We first create the duality of a wrongdoer versus a victim, and then we play the role of the victim until we get the apology we demand, at which point, we can choose to play the role of the compassionate forgiver or not.
But it's all just a power play; it's a game. I'm not saying we shouldn't apologize, more on that later, I'm saying the person I'm inclined to dub as the "wrongdoer" doesn't need to apologize to me or even be sorry in order for me to forgive them, because forgiveness is a gift you give yourself; the entire process is internal. Externally, however, apologizing is more important than forgiving. Here's what I mean: saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way," is NOT a sincere apology.
An apology is when we regret doing something or not doing something. And it's not only important that we apologize, it's imperative that we apologize for our action, not for the result of that action. THAT is what taking ownership of our part in the equation looks like. Yes, it is vulnerable, raw, and perfectly human. It doesn't imply I'm indebted to you until you choose to forgive me, which means, okay, now I'm going to play the victim.
It says, "Look, I messed up," which is taking ownership of PAST actions. "I am very sorry," PRESENT. "And I will try my hardest not to do it again," FUTURE. "Now, how can I make the present moment better?" FORWARD MOMENTUM. This is so much better than the vicious loop of blaming and waiting for forgiveness
from ourselves or from others. I know it's not the traditional "I'm sorry and I forgive you" model with which we were all raised, but it does obliterate guilt, shame, and victim mentality, to make way for empowerment, betterment, and progress. In this model, nobody is indebted to anyone else. So the question to ask yourself is: Do I want to stay stuck or do I want to move forward? Remember, not forgiving is a form
of self-imprisonment. You can liberate yourself. There are what I call "Mustakes," they are mistakes we apparently must make in order to learn a lesson that we weren't learning otherwise. So it didn't happen TO me, it happened FOR me. Whatever "it" is, it happened for me to learn from, grow from, and most importantly, to move on from. Be grateful for the lesson and move forward.
Some people have a harder time forgiving themselves than forgiving others, and some have no problem forgiving themselves, but they hold a grudge against someone for years. We take weight from our past and we carry it in the present and into the future. You don't have to wait for someone to apologize to you in order for you to forgive them. They don't even have to be sorry. Give yourself that gift of liberation.
If you find value in these podcast episodes, online posts, monthly emails, and events, please consider showing your support with just one dollar a month at Patreon.com/BuddhistBootCamp This podcast is made possible thanks to listeners just like you. Thank you for spreading this message far and wide, and opening the hearts of many. This podcast isn't mine, it's OURS. Thank you. Timber Hawkeye is the bestselling author of Faithfully Religionless and Buddhist Boot Camp.
For additional information, please visit BuddhistBootCamp.com, where you can order autographed books to support the Prison Library Project, watch Timber's inspiring TED Talk, and join our monthly mailing list. We hope you have enjoyed this episode, and invite you to subscribe for more thought-provoking discussions. Thank you for being a Soldier of Peace in the Army of Love. 🙏🏼